//------------------------------// // Chapter 20: Bored // Story: A Black Belt in a Colorful Land // by DismantledAccount //------------------------------// Chapter 20: Bored The Same Day, Day Three of Alexander's Calendar stick, Afternoon... "I'm so bored," sighed Alexander, while lying down on the too small couch. "I take absolutely no joy in staring at this wall for another day while twiddling my thumbs. I could try contemplating the absurdity of my situation then descend into depression and insanity; so I think I'll pass. Although, if I am lucky then the door that brought me here can take me home. But I shouldn't think about that either because at the rate my leg is healing I won't be able to walk for weeks, at least without a crutch. And, even if I find the place that the door dumped me, there is no guarantee that the the door will be there again. So, once again, depression; I'll pass on that one too." "Oh, I got it!" said Alex. "I'm going to talk to myself. And that ends in insanity as well... Once again, I'll pass." He felt his stomach rumble as it requested his daily lunch. He sighed as he got on his hands and foot in a three limbed crawl. He crawled his way into Ditzy's kitchen and began inspecting the available options for his lunch. "No..." he said, ignoring a can labeled 'canned hay.' "Also no..." he said, passing over a jar that had 'fresh grass' written on it in sloppy letters. I see... he thought upon seeing the inside of an empty pantry that had a thick layer of what looks like... Bread crumbs? Or maybe... muffin crumbs? Damn, is this girl an addict or something? Having that many muffin crumbs means that you had quite a few muffins. I know firsthand how good they taste, but the amount of muffins that would have to be eaten to cause this many crumbs can't be healthy. He bent down and put his fingers into the mass of crumbs on the floor. They weren't even stale yet. That's kind of scary, Alex thought. "Finally! Something edible." he said in relief, spying a carrot lying on the counter top. He carefully inspected it with his sight and smell. Seems fine, he thought, nibbling on the carrot. Better than fine actually. As a matter of fact, all of the food here tastes better than I remember it tasting on Earth, animals included. I wonder if its from the lack of advancement I've seen in their society. The absence of technology indicates a relatively new society, meaning that they haven't been farming the ground for as many years as humans have. Therefore, the ground should have more nutrients and vitamins in it making it taste better to my taste buds. Or it could be magic. It's probably magic. Either way, I don't really care. Alex stuck the carrot between his teeth and exited Ditzy's house using his now preferred method of travel. Getting out of the door was a little tricky because even though he was short enough to go through it in his current posture he was still too wide. He managed it, but not without a bit of work and some grunting. Once Alex was out of the house he was able to stand up, now that the ceiling wasn't a foot too short. He sighed in relief as his back cracked several times upon him straightening it. He hopped forward several times on his one good foot then sat down in the soft grass. He looked up at the once again cloudless sky and took a bite out of the carrot. I can't even look for shapes in the clouds, for some reason there aren't any. Come to think of it, I haven't even seen a cloud since I arrived. Clouds have to exist though, right? Alex thought, searching for anything even resembling a cloud. He turned around and looked at... whatever the unicorn called it town/village. I found a cloud! They do exist! Let's see here... That looks like... a house. Really looks like a house. A lot like a house. A crazy looking house with rainbows. I can see a door in the house too... I think that: I am either losing it or that is an actual house. I give up. Alex laid out prone and closed his eyes. Well, crazy inhabitants aside, this place isn't so bad. The food tastes great, the grass is unrealistically soft, the animals don't know that they should run from me, and the food tastes great. This place would make a fortune as a resort. I'll just think of this as a vacation. As a matter of fact, this is my vacation, I was overdue for one anyway. Until I get home, I am officially on vacation, he thought as he laced his fingers underneath the back of his head. All I have to do is pretend that the talking horses don't exist and I'm good. Alex woke up to the feeling of something hitting him repeatedly on the right side of his hip. He groggily flailed his arm in that direction and hit something soft and furry. He was immediately rewarded with a cry of anger. Cue crazy horses, stage left, he thought, his senses slowly reacquainting themselves with his surroundings. "Hey! Wha was tha for?" cried an angry, scratchy, muffled voice. Angry, scratchy, and muffled? Who do I know with a voice like that? More accurately, who do I wish I had the pleasure of never meeting but did anyways voice is that? Alex rubbed his eyes and slowly sat up. What greeted him was a rather angry looking pair of magenta attached to a grumpy blue face. Her broken wing was still standing straight up and her other was flared intimidatingly. She was holding a hoof up to her muzzle and glaring daggers at him. To put it simply, he couldn't take her seriously, at all. "What was what for?" stalled Alex, still not quite awake. "You hith my muzzle, noh cool," said Rainbow, still glaring at him. Alex started chuckling, his chuckles soon led to full blown laughter. "Whath's so funny?" she angrily demanded. "Shtop laughing at me!" "You... This... Everything!" gasped Alex, still laughing. "I don't even care anymore!" "I'm serious! Stop laughing!" she shouted, placing her fore hoof on the ground. "That's what makes it even funnier," choked out Alex, still laughing for apparently no reason. "Stop it before I start bucking you! Then we'll see who is laughing," said Rainbow, with a mildly maniacal grin. "I just... I can't... You..." said Alex, finally able to get his senseless laughter under control. "I haven't... been awake long enough to take talking horses seriously yet," he said, still chuckling. "For the last time, we are ponies not horses!" she replied angrily. "And the difference is?" "..." Rainbow froze with her mouth slightly open. "...Ask Twilight, she's better with that kinda stuff," she said after a moment. "Now stop trying to distract me. I came over here to ask you some questions and I won't leave until I get my answers," she said commandingly. "I thought Twilight would be the one who would be asking all the que-" "First question!" yelled Rainbow, cutting him off. "Why are you here? All you have done so far is hurt me, hurt Pinkie, and been a general nuisance to everypony." "I... am on a long overdue vacation," said Alex, grinning slightly. "Fine then, don't answer. Why did you hurt me and Pinkie?" "Yes." "Are you a danger to my friends?" she asked, seething in anger. "Depends, does the pony swat the fly?" Rainbow's eye twitched. "You're so infuriating!" she yelled, stomping her hoof into the ground. "Give me a straight answer!" "I like vaginas," said Alex with an innocent smile. All of the air left Rainbow's lungs in a quick huff; her mouth forgetting how to form words. "Well, you asked for a straight answer. So now you know that I am one hundred percent strai-" "I hate you," interrupted Rainbow, blushing lightly. "You don't mean that. You just think you hate me," said Alex. "No, I can say with complete certainty that I hate you." she said, getting her blush under control. "Wow. I managed to make a magical talking pegasus with a rainbow for a mane hate me. I think I'm proud of mysel-" "Shut up and answer me one question!" she roared. Because it was a female(ish) talking horse with the voice of a teen, the roar came out more like a shrieking mew that was mildly painful to Alex's ears. Rainbow rapidly closed the distance between their faces and put her hooves on top of his thighs to prevent him from moving away. "Just answer me one thing," she growled menacingly. "Will. You. Hurt. My. Friends. Again." Alex sighed lightly blowing her mane slightly. He stared deep into her eyes and spoke with absolute sincerity, "I have never attacked any sentient being without good cause and I don't plan on starting now." Rainbow stayed staring at him for another minute or two before finally getting off his lap and returning to a more normal conversing distance. "...I guess that will have to do," she said reluctantly after a short pause. "But remember, I'll be watching you closely." "So you're a stalker now?" said Alex, stoking his beard. "Somehow I can't really put the two together and take it seriously." Alex could literally hear her grinding her teeth from where he sat. "I don't have to take this anymore. I got an almost satisfying answer from you. I have better things I could be doing right now." Rainbow turned away from him and began walking back to the town. "Come again! I enjoyed our conversation immensely!" Alex called after her. That went well. Now, once again, boredom. Alex sighed. I know what I could do. I might as well just because I can and should. Alex rolled over onto his stomach and tucked his wrists next to his ribcage. He placed his knuckles on the soft grass and hooked his injured leg over his uninjured one. He pushed his knuckles into the ground and his body rose up in an almost perfectly straight line. "One," he said calmly. He lowered himself until his nose touched the ground then repeated the motion. "Two, three, four, five..." "Ninety-eight... ninety- nine... hundred," grunted Alex, significantly less calmly. One hundred push-ups and sit ups, I think that's good for now. I just wish I had a chin up bar- Is that... clapping? he looked over to his side and saw a small bunny softly applauding him. That can't be right, he thought, closing his eyes and shaking his head vigorously. When he opened them the bunny was still there but it was nibbling on a plant instead of clapping. Stupid talking horses, messing with my head. Where did I put that carrot? Alex thought, looking on the ground around him. Here it is, he thought as he picked up the half-eaten carrot and held it out towards the bunny. Alex made a soft clucking noise to try drawing the bunny's attention, and it worked. The bunny locked its eyes on the carrot and began hopping over. It took the carrot from his hand and jumped on his lap, chomping away happily on the newly acquired snack. "You are, in fact, a stupid bunny. And for that I thank you," said Alex, grabbing the bunny's body with one hand and its head with the other. He slowly twisted until he heard the telltale sound of its neck breaking. "Now, to make dinner," he said carrying the freshly dead bunny inside. Alex placed the bunny in the sink and looked around until he found Ditzy's collection of kitchen knives. He picked a short, thin, and mostly sharp knife with an oddly shaped handle. I bet this fits perfectly in a horse mouth, he thought. "Ewww, that's nasty," he said, pausing and staring at the handle in his fist. He slit the bunny down the middle of its chest, careful not to slice the organs, and began pealing its skin off. He picked the skeleton clean of the muscle and tossed the meat into a nearby pot. He added some water, whatever spices he could recognize, and the rest of the carrot. He turned on the heat and sat down to wait. A short while later the soup finished cooking. Alex poured some of the soup into a too small bowl and grabbed a too small spoon to go with it. He carried it into the living room and sat down on the sofa. He took a small sip to test the flavor. The rest of the bowl followed a minute later. He refilled the bowl four more times but didn't finish the last bit of the final bowl. "Not bad, not bad at all," said Alex, finishing his soup. I couldn't find all the spices I wanted but it was by no means terrible. I wonder when Ditzy will be back... I should just go to sleep again until she gets back. I still need the rest to help my body recover. Alex took one last mouthful of soup then laid down on the sofa. I can't help but think that there was something important that I was supposed to do... *Huagh* *Ouaugh* *Pubth* "What is this!? I never made anything this bad! Well, at least not recently..." came a familiar voice. "Wha? Mad wha ba?" asked Alex groggily, waking from his slumber. "This soup, it tastes terrible. And what are all of these slimy disgusting chunks?" "Wait, you drank the soup I made?" he asked, hoping she wouldn't realize what those "slimy chunks" actually were. I may not know much about these "ponies" but I know they are probably vegetarians. "I need to wash this taste out of my mouth, I'll be right back," Ditzy said, walking toward the kitchen. Alex sat up and waited patiently for five minutes, then five more. "Are you okay?" he called. Ditzy slowly walked around the corner, her cheeks completely wet because of the tears silently leaking out of her eyes. Without warning she flew into his chest and hugged him tightly. As if that was the signal, she suddenly let loose a loud wail that she continued with excessive sobbing. I wonder what this is all about, Alex thought, awkwardly wrapping an arm around her shoulders and petting her mane gently with his other hand. Ditzy stayed like that for fifteen minutes, sobbing uncontrollably and soaking Alex's shirt in the process. That gave Alex plenty of time to remember something important. I never cleaned up the bunny, its bloody carcase and organs are still lying in the sink... I don't think "oops" quite covers this. "Its okay, Ditzy. Just let it all out..." he cooed gently as he continued rubbing her mane. Eventually her crying died down to sniffling. She cuddled closer to him and gave a shuddering sigh. "Better?" Alex asked. She gave a noncommittal head movement and whimpered slightly. "D-d... do you... k-know... what h-h-happened... in t-there?" she asked haltingly. "I know exactly what happened in there, but you won't like the answer," sighed Alex. "P-please... t-tell me." "I guess you deserve to know the truth. The soup used to be that bunny," said Alex. Ditzy didn't say anything but he could feel her tense up underneath his arms. "The bunny used to be alive but I killed it for dinner. I am an omnivore, meaning I eat both plants and animals. I just forgot to clean up my mess after I was done." Alex felt her pushing away from him so he released her. She kept her head down until she was sitting on the floor. She slowly looked up at him with a hard edge in her eyes that he hadn't seen there before. "Get out of my house," she said in a quiet voice full of steel. "Now." "Would you at least like me to-" "Now," she said again. "Fine," said Alex, complying. That also went well, he thought, standing outside Ditzy's house in the falling night. So much for a vacation. I hate vacations.