//------------------------------// // In which Twilight has a plan and Colgate gets a new drinking buddy... // Story: Mayor Mare is too old for this Mayorship. // by Einhander //------------------------------//  MAYOR MARE IS TOO OLD FOR THIS MAYORSHIP by Einhander Chapter Two: In which Twilight has a plan, and Colgate gets a new drinking buddy...                     Twilight Sparkle was in crisis mode. She felt fine. She was calm. This was her element. Not her actual Element, that was magic, of course. But still, she was in the zone (as Rarity called it), and now that Ponyville’s leader was MIA and TUI (Trotting Under the Influence), it was time for her inner Princess to rally.   First, she had to address the troops. Or in her case, troop. Senior Mint was eying her warily.   “Now, Mr. Mint, the first and most important thing is this: don’t panic.”                           There was a silence.   Senior Mint coughed. “I would feel less panicked… if you would get off the ceiling.”           Twilight’s eye twitched. She raised her head, which from Senior Mint’s perspective, was Twilight looking down. Her horn was glowing, and somehow her magic allowed her to stand on the ceiling. She had been there since the full enormity of the situation had descended upon both of them: namely, that the mayor was on an epic drunken bender, and any minute now the whole town was going to realize this when Mayor Mare came crashing through their window.   They had both dealt with the situation in their own ways. Mint started to panic. Twilight simply reversed her gravity, and had been pacing up and down the ceiling with flow charts that were not as cooperative as her hooves. Mint had to duck out of the way of several falling markers and large sheets of paper.   Now, Twilight’s attention and crazy eyes had been diverted from their earlier tasks, and were focused squarely on him.   “To solve a problem like this, Mr. Mint, you have to think outside the box.”           “Princess, this is an office.” He looked around the Mayor’s office. “Furthermore, it’s an oval. And we’re no closer to finding the Mayor.”           “Hey!” Twilight fell from the ceiling, spun in midair and somehow landed right side up. She got up in Mint’s muzzle and started poking him with her hoof. “I have EVERYTHING under control. I’ve got a five point crisis plan that will be safely return the mayor before sunrise.”           Mint shook his head. “It’ll be too late, Ma’am.”         Twilight hesitated. “Late for what?”            He sighed. “Twilight, did you actually READ the fine print of Citizen Speak Up Day? If Mayor Mare hasn’t issued a proclamation before midnight, tonight, on how to address all of the citizen’s concerns, then there is an immediate special election called, where she is not allowed to run for office.”   Twilight’s face scrunched up like a prune. “Who wrote this stupid-” Her voice died as she looked into Senior Mint’s tired face. “Oh, crud. I did, didn’t I?”   “Verily.” he coughed. “You did.”   “Okay, okay. Okay, I... Okay.” Twilight paced. “I can fix this. I can fix all of this. We just need to get her back here to issue a proclamation. No problem.” She put a hoof to her chin, thoughtfully. “If I were a depressed, angry, recently off the wagon, Mayor, where would I go?”           Senior Mint looked out the broken window as the lights of the town came on one by one.         Specifically the lights of the various bars, taverns and cider sellers.         “Where indeed.”                                   Colgate had a dream. It wasn’t a secret dream, because if you got two glasses of wine in her, she’d tell you what it was. She’d whisper it, loud enough for the whole room to hear.   But it was her dream, nonetheless. And she’d lean over to your ear and say…   “I wanna be a writer.”   True, she made her bits as a dentist. But that was her profession, not her passion. In her heart of hearts, if she had all the time in the world, she knew it was a writer’s life for she. Colgate wanted to tell stories, epic yarns and heartwarming (or breaking, whichever) dramas that would make her readers weep. And laugh. And beg for more. And most importantly, pay for the next chapter. It would be a wonderful endless cycle. However, she hadn’t quite started yet. She believed all authors had to live their stories before they could write them. Conjuring up adventures was for ponies who were too scared to live.   Currently, she was living her next magnum opus: Where the Wine Went, a Story of a Tuesday.   She was also drunk. Because it was Tuesday.   The maya and periwinkle blue unicorn was slumped over the bar, over a third of the way into a terrific bender. She magically rose her glass to her lips, only to find it empty. “Barkeep, another!” she shouted. “Let’s get this party started!”   There was a resounding silence, finally broken by a sigh. Berry Punch ducked underneath the counter and fished out a new bottle of Pinot Noir. She placed it on the counter and stared Colgate down.   “Are you sure you want another one, Colgate?”   The unicorn stared at her, blinking heavily. “Is Fluttershy… shy?”   Berry Punch rolled her eyes and opened the bottle. Wine met glass, which always sounded to Colgate like a pony using the little filly’s room, and she started giggling. Berry Punch gave her a look, but kept pouring until the glass was full. Then she poured herself a glass. It was a bad idea, but she had long decided to write the night off as an excuse for bad ideas. It’s not like there was anypony else to serve.   Pony Up was a great name for a bar, but Ponyville, Berry would learn too late, was a terrible town to be a barkeep in. Still, business was business.   “Salud.” Berry said, raising her glass.   “Gesundheit!” Colgate cheerfully replied, clinking the glass and then downing half of it.   “Easy, easy Colgate! Jeez. You’d think we were running out or something.”   Colgate gaped. “Is the wine gone IS THE WINE GONE oh please Celestia say there’s still some left… “            “Of course there’s wine left, it’s a bar, for cryin’ out loud…” Berry Punch sighed.   “Shouldn’t you go home? Most ponies work on Wednesday.” Colgate rested her head on her hooves. “If you spent most of your time reaching down other pony’s throats, and pulling out oats that they would have gotten rid of with proper flossing…” She drank the rest of her glass in another gulp. “...you wouldn’t be too excited about going home either.” Sneaking a glance at her customer’s cutie mark, Berry smirked. “Last time I checked your flank, my dear, you being a dentist was a choice, not your destiny. Shouldn’t you be, I don’t know, measuring time or something?” There was a gleam in Colgate’s eye. Using her magic, she lifted the her empty wine glass and turned it upside down. “I am aware of every moment in every hour of every day of every year.” A single drop of wine made its way down the curve of the glass, perching on the lip. “And I can feel all of it passing, full of opportunity, and being wasted by pretty much everypony.” After a few seconds, the wine drop jumped and made a mad dash for the ground. It was intercepted by Colgate’s tongue, which darted out like a snake and swallowed it whole. Closing her eyes, savoring the small taste, she murmured, “You might well imagine, it gets really bucking depressing.” She leaned back, stretching herself out. “That’s why I d-”         Berry Punch would have liked to spare no expense in building her tavern, but times being what they were, she had to opt for the bar stools without proper backs. And this is why Colgate’s eyes flew open right before she fell straight back and landed on her flank. The shock broke her concetration, and her floating glass dropped and shattered on the bar counter.         The pieces went everywhere, almost in slow motion, falling over the counter and onto the ground on both sides of the bar. Berry watched them impassively, doing the mental calculation of how many glasses the shoddy stools had cost her. She then re-calculated, realizing that it wasn’t the stools, necessarily, it was Colgate herself who kept breaking her glasses.         Colgate hiccuped. “Wh...what happened?” “You, madam, are drunk as a skunk. And right now all you’re achieving is annoying the buck out of me, and breaking my stuff.” She corked the bottle of wine. “You’re cut off.”         “No!” Colgate yipped, then tried to calm herself. “I mean, Berry, my friend, there’s no need to rush to conclusions. Or decisions about serving alcohol. I’m fine.” Colgate stood, trying to balance herself.  “See? I can drive.”         “Drive?” Berry arched an eyebrow. “Drive what?”           Colgate’s determination melted as she stared into the distance. “My life.”         The words were only deepening the riddle. Berry leaned her head to one side. “Drive it where, exactly?”         An awful silence filled the room.         “If I knew that, I wouldn’t be here.” Colgate slumped back onto the barstool.                  Berry Punch was a grump, but not a sadist. She sighed, and pulled out another wine glass. “Just one more, alright? Then you’re out-”         The front doors kicked open, and a pony appeared. Berry Punch gasped. The silhouette. The posture. The voice. It couldn’t be any other pony.                  “I have come to drink booze and kick flank!” roared the mare. “And I am all out of booze!”                  “Oh horsefeathers…” muttered Berry Punch. “It’s Mayor Mare!”         It was indeed, Ms. Mayor Mare. “I hear tell a rumor that you, madam, have the booze.” She staggered over to the bar counter. “I shall have a round.” Mayor Mare looked around the bar, seeing Colgate staring at her from her bar stool, eyes blinking heavily. “In fact, a round for everypony at this bar.”         “Thank you, you’re too kind.” Colgate slurred, picking up her new glass and holding it out.         “Um… Sure.” Berry Punch kept her head pointed at the counter and away from the Mayor, a nervous smile on her face, trying not to be too obvious as she glanced at the back door. “I’d be happy to, Ms. Mayor…”                  “Barkeep!” Mayor Mare stared at her and she flinched. “If a special election was held tomorrow, would you vote for me?”         Berry grinned the grin of the damned. “Surrrreee, I would.”         The Mayor glared at her, then turned to Colgate. “What say you, citizen? Can we trust her?”         “Who are you again?” asked Colgate, trying not to hiccup.         “The name’s Mare. Mayor Mare. I run this town.” She squinted. “At least, I used to. What time is it?” She glanced at the clock. “I run this town for the next three hours, and then, I retire. What about you?         “Ohhhhh right, I’m Colgate, your dentist.” Her eyelids were see-sawing. “I also drink.” “Good, I like you already." She wrapped a hoof around Colgate's shoulder. "Citizen Colgate, can I ask you a question?" “Sure,” she slurred. “Hit me with your best shot.” “Citizen Colgate, this mare-” she pointed in the vague direction of Berry Punch, who had finished pouring the two glasses of wine. “-this mare says she would vote for me tomorrow. But I’m not sure if she speaks truthiness, despite my electoral instinct. What say you?”         Colgate leaned forward and sniffed at Berry Punch. “I dunno.” She narrowed her eyes, inhaling and exhaling loudly. “She smells honest. But, I just don’t know.”         Berry retained enough of her self worth to glare at Colgate. “Don’t you sniff me.”                  “Citizen Barkeep! I sense you’re withholding the truth. Would you vote for me?”         “Look, I would, if I could, but I can’t, so I’m not.”         “Why?!” Mayor Mare pounded the table top, leaning over to the side. “Because you don’t like my policies?” Berry Punch looked away, sheepishly. “Convicted felon.” Colgate gasped. “Oh, Berry. I’m sorry, I didn’t know.” The Mayor nodded solemnly, raising her glass. “Voting Rights in Equestria are a complicated matter. Very well, small business owner. I toast to your economic develop- PBBBTTTTTTTTTTTT!” The wine went all over Berry Punch’s face. Fortunately, she was an experienced barkeep (and felon), and knew when to shut her eyes in protection. It wasn’t the first time another pony had spit all over her face.   “What… is this?!” The Mayor roared, slamming the glass on top of the bar counter. “It was a perfectly fine Pinor Noir.” Berry Punch wiped her face, grimacing. “May it rest in piece.”         “Why would you serve this in a bar that has whiskey?” The Mayor asked, genuinely curious. She studied her reflection in the curve of the glass, cut off by the little wine that was left in it. “I like it, I mean,” Colgate sipped hers, “I’ve been drinking it. You know. Wine.” Mayor Mare shook her head. “Just give me all the Jameshoof you have.” Berry Punch finally relaxed. This was her chance. “Right away, May-” “Wait. I fear what you heard was ‘give me a lot of Jameshoof.’ What I said was...” She grabbed Berry and held her close. “… give me ALL the Jameshoof you have. Do you understand?”         Berry Punch swallowed, and nodded slowly. Her hooves were shaking. “Um… this is the only bottle I have now. I’ll just pour-” She stopped, feeling the glare of the Mayor’s stare. “-I’ll just leave this for you and go get another.”         “Five stars. You will go far in your chosen profession. You have my leave.”         Berry Punch smiled and ran out the front door, stopping only to grab a small unmarked tube that was hidden by the door.         There was a silence. Mayor Mare uncorked her whiskey bottle and took a swig.         “You gonna drink that?” Colgate asked, eying the Mayor’s glass.         “Citizen, would YOU vote for me if there was an election held tomorrow?”         “Actually, I can’t vote either.”         The Mayor sighed. “Also a felon?”         Colgate shook her head. “Interdimensional being on interstellar quest. I don’t believe in election fraud.”         The Mayor nodded. “I wondered why you were a dentist with a completely unrelated cutie mark.”         Colgate sighed. “The universe is a cruel place.”         Mayor Mare held out her bottle. “To failure.”         Glass met bottle with a clink. “To failure!” Colgate crowed.                 “I like you, dentist slash interstellar traveller.”         “What I really want to do…” Colgate whispered loudly. “Is write.”         The Mayor took another swig. “How would you like to write my story?”         “What story is that?”         Mayor Mare squinted and held her hooves out, framing the bottles in front of them. “‘The story of how Mayor Mare burned her career to the ground.’”         Colgate squinted. “Needs a better titl-”         There was a bright flash outside the doors of the bar, followed by a loud bang.                    “You see, Mayor Mare always knew she might relapse one day. That’s why she had a failsafe built in.” Senior Mint gestured out at Ponyville. “In order to have a liquor license in this town, you have to have an alert system set up in case the Mayor shows up demanding alcohol.”         “What kind of alert sys-”         Suddenly, there was a burst of light in the night sky, followed by a loud explosion.         Mint coughed. “THAT kind of alert system. Looks like our Mayor has gone to…” The neon sign in the distance was in disrepair, spelling out only P _ N _  _ P B _ R. However, a small amount of mental energy could generate the answer to the riddle. “Berry Punch’s place?” Twilight was puzzled. “I thought that burned down in that fire last year.” “Half of it did. The other half is, unfortunately, still open for business…”                   Colgate quickly turned around in her stool. “What’s th-” It came a bit too quickly as she fell off the stool again. “Cheese it!” The Mayor shouted. “It’s the fuzz!” She grabbed the Jameshoof and ran out the back door. “Who in the what now?” muttered Colgate. “There’s no time!” Shouted the Mayor, who suddenly appeared behind Colgate, picked her up and ran out the back door again.         As she was carried out, Colgate rambled, “Do we even HAVE cops in this town…?”