//------------------------------// // Chapter the Sixth // Story: Arby 'n' the Chief in "Equestria Ho!" // by metroid_freak //------------------------------// “AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!” Canterlot palace seemed to shake to its very foundation as a blood-curdling scream of anguish audibly tortured anypony within earshot. Under traditional circumstances, such a cry would’ve mobilized every last division of the Royal Guard and galvanized them into action on the Princess’ behalf. “Think she died again?” one royal guard whispered to the other, who snickered as quietly as he could. “Sounds like it,” the other replied. “Wonder what the score is.” “No idea. I don’t think she’s winning, though.” Clearly, these were not traditional circumstances. Normal, but certainly not traditional. Every day at exactly 4:00 in the afternoon, the usually-nocturnal Princess of the Night woke from her midday slumber and began a two-hour (and sometimes more) marathon of one of her favorite games, Haylo 3. And like clockwork, such an endeavor generally entailed many, many cries of frustration and some very, very interesting language unbefitting a pony of her stature. “How’s she doing today?” another guard asked, approaching the pair. As if to answer his question, the floor suddenly shook as a slightly perturbed Princess Luna voiced her displeasure. “THOU HATH USED HACKS AND CLEARLY MODDED THINE CONTROLLER, RUFFIAN!” “That bad, huh?” the guard continued. The others nodded as the rant continued. “THOU DAREST CALL ME A ’NOOB’? THOU SHALL SPEND ETERNITY ON THE MOON FOR THINE IMPUDENCE!” “Man, remember what happened last time she ragequit?” The others nodded solemnly. “Ugh, what a mess. Those poor bastards...” A sudden calm made them freeze as Luna’s rants ceased altogether. They swiftly returned to their posts and held their breath. Seconds later, the doors flew open and an extremely displeased Luna exploded from within, still wearing her iconic headset. The guards gulped as she stormed down the hall, her mane flashing and pulsing, making it seem as if a violent squall had taken refuge within. “TIA! TIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAA!” The guards looked at each other. “This ain’t good.” Meanwhile... “Did you hear that?” the Arbiter asked mid-turn. For a moment, he could’ve sworn he heard the obnoxious voice of the Chief. Smarty Pants looked up at him. “Hear what?” “Never mind. I’m sure it was nothing.” He checked his pieces. “Okay, that makes 10, then with the triple word score…” “…ARBITER, ARBIT3R HLEP M3, H3LP ME PLIXY PLOX…” “Did you hear something?” Smarty asked. “It sounded like…” They leaned towards the door, listening intently. “…OMG ARBITER I R G3TTING A TACKED BY FUCKING ANIM4L CR0SSING” “Was that…?” Smarty began as the Arbiter face-palmed. “There’s only one way to find out, right? Please excuse me for a moment.” He got up and wandered over to the door and opened it. His eyes widened at the outrageous sight that met him. Racing towards the library as fast as his plastic legs could carry him was the Chief, pursued very closely by a pack of woodland critters straight out of Noah’s Ark. Unsurprisingly, each and every one of them looked upset. For a moment, the Arbiter considered slamming the door shut, barricading it, and letting the creatures have their way with his dim-witted companion. “SWAN DIVE” the Chief exclaimed as he literally dove through the door and slid straight into the coffee table, upsetting the Scrabble board, and sending Smarty Pants into the air. Fortunately, the Arbiter’s reflexes were on full alert and he managed to catch her just in time with a ‘swan dive’ of his own. “Nice catch,” Smarty offered as the Chief slammed the door. “Okay, Chief, I think this warrants an explanation,” Arbiter said, gently setting Smarty down on the table next to the overturned Scrabble board. “What did you do, challenge Satan to a game of Jumangi?” “LOL ur so silly, arbit3r. SI11Y BILLY.” “Cut the shit. I know you must’ve done something stupid otherwise that ravenous gang of woodland creatures wouldn’t be out for your ass. Now spill it.” “ROFL th4t R wat ur m0m sed lololololololololol!!!one!!1eleven.!” “I’m gonna count to three, Chief.” “Fin3 u butthurt faggot I r gon tells u nao. I r axed Fluttershy 2 merry m33 and haz bebehs w/me. Is taht s0 bad Arbiter?” “‘Bad’ isn’t the word I’d use to describe it, Chief. That also doesn’t explain why all of her animals were after you.” “IT R N0T MY FAWLT TAHT TEH BITCH PA55ED TEH FUCK OUT” “So that’s it; your ridiculous proposition must’ve frightened her into a Goddamn coma.” the Arbiter replied. “Jesus, you’re really got a way with the ladies, don’t you? Must be all that Keys to the VIP.” “Wat can I sez arbiter?” the Chief asked with a shrug. “I POUND TEH PUSSY SO GUD” *** “Tiiiiaaaaaaaa!” Celestia groaned and rubbed her temples as the shrill screech of her sister met her ears like cheese to a grater. “I’m sorry but would you all excuse me for a minute? I’m expecting a…” No, no, no, she couldn’t say ‘catastrophe’ in front of foreign dignitaries. “…visitor.” she finished with a pleading smile. They took the hint, slowly filing out of the throne room, grumbling as they did so. And just in time, too. No sooner had everyone vacated, the double doors flew open and a seething Moon Princess bolted in and slammed the doors behind her. “Problem?” Celestia asked with an innocent smile as Luna practically hyperventilated with fury. “I am so sick of losing to those assholes!” she hissed, forgoing the usual Ye Old Times way of speaking. “They are not better than me! If they didn’t have those hacks, I would’ve ended their pathetic Haylo careers already and sent them crying to their MOTHERS!” she finished as a thunderous boom resonated throughout the throne room. “Okay, take it easy, Lulu,” Celestia replied as comfortingly as she could. “Start at the top. What happened?” “My clan and I entered a Haylo tournament and we’ve been beating everypony so far but then this clan just came out of nowhere and beat us!” “And that’s what’s got you so worked up, my sister?” Celestia asked. “No! Okay, maybe a bit. But they were hacking! They could shoot through walls, had permanent oversheilds, infinite ammo, and even unlimited use of their Armor Abilities! It’s not fair Tia! If I had better teammates, I would’ve crushed them!” Celestia stifled a laugh under the guise of clearing her throat. “Luna, I still don’t understand what the big deal is. You can’t win everything in life. Sometimes, you just lose and that’s the end of it. The important thing is that you have fun!” She wore a proud smile as if having just explained it to her own child. “Where’d you dredge out that nonsense?” Luna asked with a scowl. “Well, excuse me for not putting as much emphasis on winning some silly video game as…” “The winners get cake.” Dead silence. Like dead dead silence. “What was that, dearie?” Celestia whispered, looking way too eager. “The winners of tomorrow’s Haylo Tournament receive a special exclusive set of Spartan and Elite armor permutations as well as a card that promises a lifetime supply of cake, free of charge, from Sugarcube Corner. Apparently, Pinkie Pie thought it would be a great way to advertise all over Equestria and it’s not like handing out a few free treats every so often would bankrupt…” Luna stopped as she glanced at her sister. The look on the Sun Princess’ face was a mixture of wistfulness, enthusiasm…and pure, unbridled lust. Oh yes, her expression spoke of a powerful yearning for something sweet and delicious as the monarch sat and grinned like a deranged psychopath dreaming about their next unwitting victim. Just as Luna was sure she’d have to commit her sister, Celestia snapped out of it and blinked a few times to clear her head. “…You said they were hacking, right?” “Um…yes?” Luna answered hesitantly. “Guards! Get in here at once!” Celestia bellowed, making Luna jump. Moments later, two surprised yet vigilant guards stood at the ready beside their princesses. “Rally the Third and Fourth brigades! Tell them not to return until they’ve found the greatest Haylo players in all of Equestria!” “Actually, I only need three to compete as a team…” Luna quietly interjected. “Very well! Recruit a trio of gamers with attitude! Go, go, GO!” “Yes, your Highness! Right away!” the guards exclaimed, saluting as they dashed off to begin their mission. “Do not fail, for this is business of the most serious degree!” Celestia added, making them pause. “Find us the best gamers…and hurry!” Luna was dumbstruck. Sure, Celestia had gained a little bit of notoriety for her ‘appreciation’ of fine baked goods but this was on a whole other level. Meh, Luna thought with a shrug as she made her way back to her gamer’s loft. Now where did I leave Borderlands? *** “For the last time, Chief, they don’t have Halo here,” Arbiter exclaimed vehemently. “BULLSHIT. HOWE C4N TIHS BE TEH PR0MIS4D LADN IF TH3Y DOESN’T HAS THE GRAYTEST GAEM EVAR CRAFTED BUY HUMAN KINDS?” “Seriously Chief, stop putting an ‘s’ on everything. There’s only one kind of ‘human’.” “JU5T ANSWER THE FUCKING QUEST CHIN” “Fine. Does this place look technologically advanced enough to have a Goddamn 360 in every home?” Arbiter demanded. “BUTT THAY HAZ TEH MAGICS” The Arbiter just looked at him. “REMEMBER? LOL REMEMBER ARBITER?” “I’m not getting into this again. You’re obviously too retarded to comprehend how this world works and I’m not going to waste my time trying to explain it to you.” “NO UR RET4RDED” “No you.” “Hay!” the Chief protested. “TAHT R MAI THIGN ARBITER. MINE. CANT HAZ IT.” “Whatever, Chief. Who don’t you read something? There’s like 9000 books in here and I’ll bet at least one of them would be of some interest to you.” “UM EXCUSE M3 ARBITER BUT CAN I AXE U A QUEST CHIN?” Without waiting for a response, he continued. “DUZ U SEA A GODDAMN STAR ON MAI ASS? DOES U? DUZ YOU? DOES U S33 IT ARBITER CUZ I DON’T.” “No I don’t, Chief, but I’ll bet Twilight really likes a person who’s well-read.” “K I’M GONNA G0 REED NAO STFU” “Wow. Those hormones,” the Arbiter exclaimed as the Chief suddenly scooted up the ladder and began rifling through books. “If there’s a special place in the afterlife for those who enjoy cartoon ponies as more than just friends, I think you’ll fit in quite well.” “Fit in well where?” a pleasant and inquisitive voice asked behind them. “OMFG IT R TWILIGHT SPARKLE” the Chief cried from his perch before promptly falling off of it, rocking the library with a crash. “OW. GODDAMNIT” “Hey guys,” Twilight greeted as she set her saddlebags down. “Did you manage to find something to do while I was gone?” “Well, between some Scrabble and a stampede, we’ve managed to keep the home fires burning fairly warmly for you.” Arbiter replied as he helped Twilight unpack. He set a stack of books on the desk when a small flyer caught his eye. He picked it up and studied it. “Excuse me, Miss Sparkle, but does this mean what I think it means?” “Maybe. All I know is that every single guard in Canterlot was handing them out. There must’ve been hundreds of them!” Twilight replied. “I’m not even sure what this is. I mean, I’ve never even heard of ‘Haylo’ before.” There was another crash as the Chief fell from his perch for the second time, followed by a series of rapid stomps as an excited Chief ran over and grabbed the flyer. “OMFG ARBITER WII GETS 2 PLEH HALOS AGEN!” “Settle down, Chief, let’s see what the flyer says,” Arbiter interjected, liberating the sheet from his enthusiastic friend. “Ahem; Hear ye, hear ye, your Princess of the Night cordially invites you to showcase your gaming skills at a special gathering reserved for only the best nerds gamers in Equestria, at which time your skills will be tested and you will be pushed to your limits and beyond. The fate of the gaming world lies in your hooves. It is imperative that you come to Canterlot RSVP as soon as possible. Please note that there will also be a raffle.” The Arbiter scratched his head. “This is certainly interesting. I wasn’t aware that such a thing existed here. I wonder if it’s like Halo back home.” “UR RETARDED. EVERYBODIES GOTS HALOS DUMBFUCK. EVEN TEH PWNIES” “Okay, I get the point, Chief,” Arbiter replied, rolling his eyes as he turned to Twilight. “So, who is this ‘Princess Luna’?” “JESUS CHRIST ARBITER IF U DIDN’T SP3ND ALL UR GODDAMN TIEM PLEHING TAHT STUPED GHEY FUCKIGN HELO KITY BARBIE ADN KEN SESAME STREET PU$$Y POLYPOKIT WIMPY KIDY GHEY STUPID BROTHARZ BRAWL AND JACKING 0FF TO FUCKING FAGGOT EMBLEM AND KINGDOM FARTS U MITE KNOWD WHO TEH FUCK TEH PRINCESSES IS” “Alright, Chief I get the picture. Settle your ass down already. I’m gonna take a wild stab in the dark here…” “UR M0M <3 A STAB IN TEH DARK LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL” “As I was saying, I’m gonna guess that this is something you’d like to check out? If we can win our way into the Princess’ favor, she might be able to help us get home.” “FUCK HOAM I JUST WUN PLEH HALOS” “Listen, Chief, I know you really like it here and to be honest, I’m getting pretty fond of it myself but you can’t expect me to believe that we can just stay here forever.” “FUCK EARTH, EQUESTRIA R BETTAR” The Arbiter sighed and face-palmed. “We’ll talk about this later, Chief. I think that for now, we should concentrate our efforts on actually getting to the contest and doing well enough to earn an audience with the Princess.” He turned to Twilight. “Can you help us get there?” The lavender unicorn nodded. “Sure, I’d be happy to help. We’ll take the train first thing tomorrow morning.”