//------------------------------// // CUTIE MARK CRUSADER SPARTANS! YAY! // Story: Halo: X Team in Equestria // by The Good Dark Lord //------------------------------// October 13, 2552 "Two months," James cynically thought to himself, "It has been exactly two months since we got stranded in this god forsaken land of ponies, and repairs for the Longsword still aren't done. F. M. L." James was currently sitting on the open ramp of the Longsword. He was waiting for Ashley to get back from patrol, so he could start his own shift. Next to him, Rose was tinkering away at the ramp openers, fixing them up so they wouldn't pop open like last time. "Hey James, could you hold this for a moment?" Rose asked, handing him a bolt. "I'm gonna need that in a moment, so don't lose that, okay?" Not really paying attention or caring, James took the bolt and stuffed it into one of his belt pockets. "Uh huh, sure, whatever." Rose resumed working. James resumed angsting. Ashley stepped out from the trees, walking towards the Longsword. She and James nodded to each other. He stood up, and made his way into the forest. She sat down on the ramp, relaxing slightly. All was quiet for about five minutes, until... Without taking her eyes off of her work, Rose held out an open hand to Ashley. Ashley noticed and raised an eyebrow. "Ahem." Rose coughed. Now Ashley was confused. "AHEM." "Is there something you need?" Ashley asked. Rose's head immediately snapped up towards Ashley. "When the hell did you get here?! Where's James?!" "We switched patrol shifts a little while ago." "That freaking dumbass!" "What's wrong?" "I asked that idiot to hold onto a bolt that I needed to fix our ship!" "So? Just find a new one." "It was our last bolt." "... Uh oh." ********** James was stalking through the dark gloomy forest, his trusty shotgun in hand. Three blips appeared on his radar ahead of him. He crouched, and raised his gun. He slowly crept through the bushes, looking ahead for whatever was near. That's when he heard the pitter- patter of little hooves, and distinctly childish voices. He peeked over some bushes and saw an orange pegasus, a white unicorn, and a yellow earth pony. They were talking about something, but James wasn't really listening. James stepped out from the brush and spoke up. "Hey, you three!" He called out while putting his gun on his back. He doubted he would need it. "What are you doing here?" The pony children stopped speaking and gasped at him. They stared at him in horror, frozen in place, with those big adorable eyes. "D'aaawwww," James mentally slapped himself, "No! I hate ponies, dammit!" And then the three ponied broke out into a cheer. "YAY! WE FOUND ONE!" James stopped. "Eh?" They started circling him while excitedly bouncing up and down. "Wow! So cool!" "Ah bet you've been all over the world!" "Do you do your own stunts?" "What sort of weird armor are you wearing?" "Show us what your WMD can do!" "Why are you so tall?" "ENOUGH!" James yelled. The three stopped and immediately huddled up fearfully in front of him. "So cute." *Mental slap* "Alright, this is how it's gonna go down. I ask, you answer. Got it?" They nodded. "Good. Okay, first, identify yourselves." "Identi- what now?" The yellow one with a bow asked. James facepalmed. "Your names." "Oh! Ah'm Applebloom!" "I'm Scootaloo!" "And my name's Sweetie Belle! What's your name?" "James. Now, what are you doing here, exactly?" "Well, you're one of those Spartans, right?" "Yeah? So?" "And you're a professional at being awesome, right?" "Well, I don't mean to brag-" "So, we decided to try to get our Spartan cutie marks!" "... Your what?" "Our Spartan cutie marks! The three of us are on a never ending quest to find our special talent; our cutie mark! And together, we are..." Pause for dramatic effect. "... THE CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS!!! YAY!!!" James was fairly certain that his ears hadn't been ringing five seconds ago. He shook his head and grumbled. "No. That's not gonna happen." The CMC frowned. "But whyyyyy?" "Because my job right now is to make sure nobody trespasses in this area and see them out. And right now that means you." "You can't do that!" Scootaloo challenged. "Watch me." "But all we wanted was to ask y'all to teach us how to be a Spartan!" Applebloom said. James looked down at her. "Listen kid, flattered as I am, you don't have what it takes to be a Spartan. No pony does." "Yes we do!" Sweetie Belle protested. "We have what it takes. We'll take you on to prove it!" James chuckled. "Well ain't that cute? But you're wrong." "He's got a point Sweetie," Scootaloo glumly said, "We're no match for him." Sweetie Belle struck a confident pose. "Anypony can take on a Spartan so long as they have courage!" "You're not letting this go, are you?" James deadpanned. "Nope!" He sighed. "Okay, how about I humor you? If you can beat me in an arm wrestling match, I'll give you a tip on how to be a Spartan. Deal?" "Deal!" Sweetie Belle squeaked. She held her hoof out in preparation. James kneeled down to grab her hoof. She was a tiny little thing so he was only going to use 1/1,000th of his strength. Yeah, that should be safe enough. "Okay now on the count of three we're gonna start, got it?" "Yes sir!" "Alright, three... two... one!" Sweetie Belle promptly flipped the seven foot- two ton- cyborg death soldier off his feet and over onto his back. Apple Bloom and Scootaloo cheered in celebration while Sweetie Belle did a cute little victory dance. James silently laid there, staring up into the tree canopy. "How... just... HOW? How does a foot- tall unicorn DO THAT?! Oh god, I can feel my sanity slipping away..." Sweetie Belle's face suddenly filled his view. "Are you okay?" She asked. James could have sworn he saw her pupils whir like a camera optic. Anyways, he stood up and dusted himself off. Then, he picked up Sweetie Belle and tucked her under his arm. "Hey! Put me down!" He ignored her and went over to Scootaloo and Apple Bloom. They dove for the bushes to escape, but it was in vain. He picked them out from the bushes- not really caring that some twigs had gotten stuck in their manes- and tucked them under his arm with their friend. He started walking. "Hey! Where are ya takin' us?!" Apple Bloom asked. "To the edge of the forest," James deadpanned, "I've had enough of you three." "Can't you put us down for a sec? These sticks in my mane are really bugging me!" Scootaloo complained. "You can pull them out once we get out of here." "What about our deal?" Sweetie Belle whined. "You were going to tell us how to be a Spartan!" "I only recall agreeing to giving you a tip, so here's your tip: when given an order, don't argue and just do it. And here's my order to you. Be quiet." "But-" "Shh!" "Ya can't-" "Shh!" "We-" "Shh!" "Hey-" "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "Shh!" "Look-" "Let me tell you a story about a little pony named Shh!" They were about to protest again, but were cut off before they could start. "Shh! Even before you start. That was a preemptive shh! Just know that I have a whole bag of shh with your names on it." A low growl was heard. "My god, you three just don't get it, do you?" "Th- that wasn't us mister!" Scootaloo whimpered as she fearfully eyed some rustling bushes. James blinked. "Wait, growling? Rustling bushes? Oh snap, this is gonna suck." He looked to said bushes. Out from the bushes stepped forth a panther- wolf creature with scales, spines, and claws that had a purple/ blue/ green color scheme going on. It snarled, revealing a nasty set of fangs. The CMC screamed in terror. "Oh no! It's a CHUPACABRA!" James quirked an eyebrow. "Huh, so that's the chupathingy Sarge was always going on about. Not quite as devilish as I expected it to be, though." "REEAAW!!!" The chupacabra roared. "Devilish enough." James noticed that the chupacabra was licking its lips and getting ready to pounce while eyeing something in his direction. He looked around, then set his gaze on the three quivering little fillies. "Heh, with those sticks in their manes, they almost look like... goats..." The chupacabra lunged forward, jaws wide and claws spread out. James immediately shifted his position so that his whole body was between the beast and the children, his fist held up. The chupacabra's face collided with his fist, breaking its nose and shattering some of its teeth. It fell back, dazed, but then struck a pose of newly found savagery. It started to creep forward... And then it gave a whimper, flattening its ears and backing off. Then it just flat out turned around and ran off. James laughed. "Ha! Yeah that's right bitch! Run to mommy!" "Um, mister Spartan?" Apple Bloom said. "I showed your punk ass what's what!" "Sir!" "You ain't got nothing on me!" "JAMES!" "What? What is it?" "Timber wolves behind us." James turned around, expecting the animal he had seen videos of during training. Instead, what he saw was an abomination made entirely out of sticks and leaves. That was snarling at him. From just a few feet away. With several more of its kin behind it. Normally James would have gladly started a brawl then and there, but, seeing how he was currently in possession of three children, well, he had priorities. He bolted in the opposite direction, holding the CMC close to him. He could hear the timber wolves behind him as he swiftly maneuvered through the trees, their barks and yaps echoing through the forest. The fillies were crying in terror. Out of the corners of his eyes he saw timber wolves breaking formation, going ahead of him. "Trying to flank me, eh? Clever sons of bitches." He ran faster, putting his superior physical abilities to full use. Shame that James didn't know the layout of the forest as well as the wolves. James suddenly found himself face to face with a rock wall in a small dirt clearing. A dead end. He turned around. Timber wolves surrounded them from all sides, they were trapped. James realized then that the wolves had herded them into this spot, and had played him like a sap. That pissed him off. He set the three fillies up onto a rock ledge well out of reach of the wolves. "Stay there." James ordered. He grabbed his shotgun. "Are you seriously going to take them all on?!" Scootaloo yelled. "Yep." "But what if you lose?!" He cocked his shotgun. "I won't." James suddenly twirled around and fired at the nearest wolf, making its head explode in a shower of splinters and tree sap. The rest of the pack swarmed James, gnashing their teeth and scraping their claws against his armor. More than a few of the wolves were blown away from point blank shots to the chest, leaving them either torn in half or with gaping holes in their torsos. The rest were brutally torn apart with his bare hands and tossed around like ragdolls. One particularly smart wolf decided to quit screwing around, and grabbed hold of James' shotgun. And no, I don't mean it grabbed the gun with its mouth, it physically grabbed the weapon with its paws and tried to pull it away from James. James kicked it away. "Piss off ya freak! Why I outta- ah- AH!" Why did James freak out, you ask? Well, for starters, he had just noticed that the top half of the timber wolf's head was gone. "What the hell happened to you?!" Spittle gurgled up from the wolf's exposed throat in a sad attempt to growl. "Oh whatever." James promptly blasted the wolf away. He looked around at the piles of broken wood. Apparently that had been the last wolf. "Huh. Guess that was the last one." He walked back over to the CMC. Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle were staring at him with slack jaws, while Scootaloo was jumping up and down with cheers. "Now I really wanna be a Spartan!" Scootaloo declared. "Not in a million years kid," James said, shooting her down, "We're leaving before anything else comes by." The sound of wood moving was heard. "Eh?" James turned around. The broken pieces of the wolves had become enveloped in a sickly green glow, and began forming together, drawing in nearby trees, stumps, and sticks to create one giant entity. *TSCHE-CHU-CHU-CHU-TSCHE* James blinked as he stared up at the giant timber wolf with a dopey crown on its head. "Well fu-" "REEEEEEEAAAAAWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRR!!!" The king timber wolf roared. James raised his shotgun and stayed his ground, the CMC cowering behind him. Tree sap dripped to the ground from between the wooden fangs of the giant wolf as it snarled. It stalked forward, each step making the earth vibrate. "Hey, what's that?" Apple Bloom asked, pointing up at the sky. The others looked up, even the king wolf. A little blue ball that was wreathed in what looked like blue flame was arcing in the sky, and now falling towards them. "A flying blue fireball?" Scootaloo inquired. The ball landed just above the wolf's left eye, and stuck there. "Is it a spider?" Sweetie Belle added. And then the blue ball EXPLODED, blowing out the top left quarter of the wolf's head in a glorious shower of splinters and tree sap. James and the CMC got splattered by the tree sap. "OH COME ON!" Sweetie Belle yelled at the tree sap. The great wolf screamed in pain and horror at its disfigured state, and began thrashing around violently. Then, from the cliff edge above them, Rose appeared. She leaped into the air and fired upon the giant timber wolf with a pair of submachine guns. While upside down. Having spent an entire clip for both guns, she set them on her back while still in mid air, landed on the wolf's head and took out her magnum. Rose held onto the wolf's ear as she blew away entire portions of its scalp with the godly side arm. The king timber wolf started shaking wilder than ever before, foam forming at the corners of its mouth while garbling madly. Rose jumped off her mount and landed in front of James. "Aw, so you do have a soft spot." She taunted, obviously referring to the three fillies. "Shut up," James deadpanned, "But thanks for the save. Good thinking with that plasma grenade." "Hm? Oh, that wasn't me." "It wasn't?" "No, that was Ashley." "Then were is she?" "Just give her a moment." The king timber wolf, practically insane at this point and done with screwing around, got ready to pounce upon his prey. "Hello." A soft voice from behind said. The wolf froze, its eyes widened, and it slowly turned around. There, standing just behind it, was Ashley. "It has been a while." She said. The wolf dared not move an inch as Ashley calmly walked up to it. Once she was just a foot away from its muzzle, she reached for her shoulder, and pulled off the decorative top half of a timber wolf head she had set on it. She set the piece on the king timber wolf's snout, and let it absorb into the larger monster. Then, she leaned forward, and whispered a single word to it in a deathly cold tone. "Run." The king timber wolf gave a "YELP!" and ran off into the forest screaming "YIPE! YIPE! YIPE!" as it went. Ashley walked over to the others. "Problem solved." "Wonderful," Rose said, "But first thing's first." She turned to James and held out an open palm. "Give me my damn bolt back." James stared at her for a few seconds. ...DING "Oh yeah, I was holding onto that for you. Heh, sorry." He reached into his belt pocket and gave Rose the precious bolt. "Maybe it was for the best. If we hadn't come looking for you, I'm pretty sure that pile of sticks and leaves would've kicked your ass." "Don't push your luck." "But hey, seriously James, you did a good job protecting those children. I didn't take you for the type to actually care about ponies." James looked over at the CMC, who were currently being helped down by Ashley. "There's more to these ponies than I first thought, Rose. They are human like in an uncanny, but not disturbing way. And they possess something that I... that I haven't felt in decades. ... Heh, wow. Here I am spouting philosophy after only knowing those three kids for a few minutes." Suddenly, Ashley. "We need to get the children out of here." She said. James and Rose nodded. "Alright you three, come along now," James said, "You've got a full armed escort so there shouldn't be anymore bumps on the road." The CMC gave the Spartans a salute. "YES SIR!" "Move out." As they left for Ponyville, Apple Bloom started making small talk with Ashley "So miss, uh..." "My name is Ashley." "Oh okay. So Ashley, just wanted to ask, were you that one bat who asked me for directions to Canterlot a couple months ago?" "... Yes." "How'd ya do that? With the bat?" "Let me tell you about a little trick called ventriloquism..." The group left the clearing and disappeared into the treeline. Literally one minute later a blue- armored fist holding a plastic spoon burst out from the ground in the middle of the clearing. Richard pulled himself out from the dirt and stood triumphant. He turned back towards the hole he had just crawled out from and reached down into it. He pulled out Bon Bon. "Sky! Air! Sunlight!" Bon Bon cheerfully exclaimed. "We made it! Aha! AHAHAHAHA! WE MADE IT!" Lyra followed suit, climbing out after Bon Bon. "Suck it Crab Ponies!" Lyra yelled down the hole. "Help me fill this up." Richard said. The trio began filling up the hole.