//------------------------------// // An Existential Crisis // Story: Why Did I Choose to be Trixie? // by Mike the Red //------------------------------// I continued to hug Trixie for awhile, contemplating my intent to tell her something, though gathering my courage to tell her this caused my resolve to flounder. For awhile, I simply lingered in her presence, wanting to allow myself to take comfort in her warmth. The fact she allowed me to hold her made me feel happy for a time, but I may have held her for a little too long as she seemed to sense something within me and gave me a quizzical glance. "Is something wrong, Amethyst?" she asked, perhaps in an attempt to read my emotions or to gauge my sincerity. "Trixie, I've been thinking," I mused pensively as I noticed a look of unease make its way across her face. "What have you been thinking about? How sad you made Trixie?" she asked, her voice taking on an almost accusatory tone. She seemed to want to break free of our embrace, though she chose not to force the issue. She furrowed her brow as she frowned at me, sensing my concern was perhaps a bit deeper than I was letting on. "That's part of it, Trixie -- but there's something else. As you may know, being asked to rule Equestria took a heavy toll on me -- there were times when I was bored out of my mind, as I'm sure Celestia may have told you about how her days go when she holds Solar Court," I offered. I gazed into her eyes at this point, trying to convince her of my feelings. "Do you not think Trixie is bored here in Canterlot? There is nothing to do here!" she replied with a degree of exasperation. "I think about that as well, Trixie, but there's something else that's bothering me." I ruminated over the previous times she had stated this fact, reflecting upon the years she had been gone and what measures I had been forced to undertake to rescue her and help her out of certain predicaments. "Amethyst, you're talking in circles! What are you trying to say?" she asked as her exasperation became a bit more evident. "All that time gave me opportunity for introspection and contemplation -- time I spent reflecting upon my life, re-examining the choices I made, re-evaluating myself, and ultimately trying to come to grips with a certain inevitability," I replied flatly. "Trixie does not understand, nor does she like where this is heading," she intoned as worry started to overtake exasperation. "Trixie, I know I did wrong by you, and for that I am deeply sorry. I want to do everything I can to regain your trust and earn your forgiveness. But there is something that troubles me on a very deep and existential level -- something that I've been trying to deal with for the entire time I've been in the body of a pony," I explained as some sadness started to creep into my voice. My ears started to droop a little as a frown expressed my unhappiness. "Trixie is not sure what you mean by that," she responded, her concern deepening. She sensed a change within me at this point. "Trixie wants to know why you bring this up now." "Trixie, I've been trying to put it off for as long as possible -- I have been thinking that I could go around as a human wearing a pony's body, that I could allow myself the luxury of trotting around looking like a pony -- and when Celestia interfered by turning me into an Alicorn, it served as a distraction from that concern I had -- I had no intention of being a Solar Regent, nor did I desire such an occupation --" "Amethyst, Trixie loves you regardless of what you are! Trixie needs you, Amethyst!" she exclaimed as tears started to well up in her eyes. "I think you know what I mean, Trixie -- I do not wish to make you sad or see you cry -- it's hard for me to hold back my tears as well. Oh, Trixie, I love you so much -- but I don't know if I can keep going on living a lie. I was never meant to be a pony, Trixie. I was never born a pony, I was never raised or educated as a pony, but as a human. There is this part of me (I raised my right fore-hoof and tapped that side of my head) that knows I can never hope to be a pony, no matter how hard I have tried to be one, no matter how hard I have wished to be one." I stopped talking at this point, as tears had started to trickle from my eyes. I took a moment to regain my composure. "Trixie, I need you -- I love you more than life itself -- but I just don't know --" My show-mare wife embraced me even more tightly, tears streaming down her cheeks as she tried to choke back her sobs. I needed her to hold me as tightly as she was holding me. "Trixie forgives you, Amethyst -- but she needs you to stay with her! Trixie cannot face the thought of being alone any more! Trixie is sorry for everything she has done to you, Amethyst! She wants you to be with her for as long as you can! Please be happy for Trixie once again -- it makes Trixie happy when you're happy!" she cried, increasing the tightness of her hold on me. "Trixie, it is not your forgiveness I need, though I thank you deeply for doing so. It is my forgiveness I need, and considering what I have done, I don't know if I can bring myself to do that. Trixie, I need your help -- I want to love you as much and as deeply as you love me -- but I don't know if I can go on any more. I cannot escape the truth that I am a human wearing a pony's body, and the thought of losing what little humanity I have left scares me, but the thought of continuing to live a lie leaves me feeling extremely depressed and unsure of my future. Trixie, please hold me as long as you can -- I promise I will hold you forever, Trixie. I want you to be happy as well, Trixie. I need you and I love you, Trixie," I stated through choking sobs. I had never felt such deep emotions coming forward, but my internal conflict was creating chaos in my mind. There was a part of me that wondered if Discord was still out there, messing around with me or other ponies. Trixie said nothing as I continued holding her, though the sounds of both of us sobbing and crying as we embraced each other tightly were the only audible noises in our room. I don't know how much time we spent in each other's forelegs, but it felt reassuring and comforting to have her in my embrace like that -- it could have been hours, it could have been days or even weeks. It seemed to me that all that mattered to me was to hold onto the love of my life with all my might in an attempt to maintain some shred of hope that I could find a middle way through my internal conflict. We didn't notice the sun having been lowered, nor the moon raised, nor did we acknowledge any hunger, except for that we shared for each other. Our shared feelings were interrupted by a knocking at the door. "It's open, come in," I announced, still maintaining my embrace with Trixie. "Um, am I disturbing something?" Twilight asked as she entered our room. She had brought Marina, Jade, and Garnet with her, and our little filly hopped onto the bed to greet us. When she noticed me, she gasped in astonishment.. "Daddy? What happened to you? I thought you were white, not purple!" she exclaimed in surprise. "Twilight? You didn't tell her? Way to surprise her," I stated with some small annoyance. 'Um, it slipped my mind, sorry Amethyst," the lavender Alicorn responded, grinning sheepishly. "Thanks for bringing my foals back, Sparkle," Trixie offered warmly, a small smile on her lips. "Mommy? Daddy? Have you been crying?" asked Marina. "Why?" "It's complicated," I replied flatly. "Perhaps when you're older, I can explain it fully. Your mama and I love each other very much." "Amethyst told Trixie about his past," the show-mare replied matter-of-factly. "All this time you've been here, Amethyst -- you never opened up to me about your past like that," Twilight stated somewhat disappointedly. "I did -- but that was way back during my birthday party about four and a half years ago," I chided gently. "There are other things which are bothering me at the moment, but I feel that this is not the proper time or place to express those concerns." "Oh, um, okay. I guess I can come back some other time then -- Amethyst, if those concerns are that serious, perhaps you might bring them to Celestia's attention -- perhaps she might be able to help you if you're having a hard time adjusting to your new status," the lavender Alicorn offered cheerfully. "That's not what my concerns are, Twilight, though that's perhaps a small part of it. There are other, more pressing matters concerning my psyche and an internal conflict which rages inside me. I would like to address my concerns with her Majesty, but at this late hour, I think it would be a better idea to sleep on it. Tomorrow, perhaps." "Trixie would like to come along as well," my wife offered, a hopeful look on her face. "Me too!" Marina chimed in, smiling broadly. I think I even heard little Jade coo in agreement as well, though he had a tendency to make random utterances whenever the mood suited him. Trixie giggled a little at the sound. "It's late, Trixie, Twilight. I'm hungry, but that can wait until tomorrow morning. Let's get some rest," I suggested, before straightening out the bed sheets and fluffing my pillows. An extra bed had been brought in for Marina and a little crib for Jade so we could share the chamber. "Sounds like a good idea," Twilight concurred, adjusting Garnet on her back and trotting towards the door. "Sleep well. I'll see you at breakfast." "Good night, Twilight," I replied. "Bon nuit, Sparkle," Trixie added. "Good night, sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite," Marina offered in a sing-song voice, causing me to chuckle. "Where'd she learn that?" Trixie asked me, glaring at me in disapproval. "It's a little something I taught her from my human home world," I chuckled. Twilight grinned before closing the door behind her and trotting to her bedchamber. As soon as Twilight had left, Trixie and I laid down in our bed, wrapping our forelegs around each other, our muzzles lightly touching. I gave her a small kiss, which she returned. "I will renew my vows to you, Trixie," I said softly. "I promise to love you and only you." "It makes Trixie happy to know you will do this for her. I love you, Amethyst," she cooed softly to me. "You make Trixie feel special." I chuckled softly and kissed her again, a little more passionately in an attempt to prove my love for her. I mentally promised myself not to succumb to the temptations of any other mare for as long as Trixie and I were married. "You have no idea how special you make me feel, Trixie," I whispered into her ear before giving it a very light nip with my teeth, causing her to sigh in contentment.