Canterlot Inbox

by MDNGHTRDHTLN


Chapter Two: Hot and Heavy


PLEASE READ THE AUTHOR'S NOTES WHEN YOU FINISH THE CHAPTER!


Rainbow Dash smiled for the camera. “Hello, and welcome to Canterlot Inbox, where we answer your questions. I’m Rainbow Dash, and with me are my co-hosts Pinkie Pie, and Princess Luna, and we are also joined by the snack petunias.” At the end of this sentence, she motioned to the silver tray on the table in front of them. “Say hi, guys.”
“Hello,” Luna welcomed.
“Hiya!” Pinkie said.
“And you guys don’t have to call me Princess. I don’t like the word,” corrected Luna.
“Really? Why not?” Pinkie asked.
“Well, when I was a little filly, I had always wanted to know what it would be like to be normal. I had grown up with ponies at my beckon, and nothing was fun. Well, except for my sister, Discord, and I, running around the castle grounds.”
“You were friends with Discord growing up?”
“Yeah.”
“So why didn’t we know about that?”
“Well, that’s a funny story, really. Remember when we told you that we sealed him away a long time ago? Well, when we did it the first time, he was drunk out of his mind.”
“Discord was drunk?”
“Yup.”
“Don’t you think that would have worn off by the time he came out of his stone prison, then?”
“Draconeqqus hangovers are terrible and long-lasting. But he’s completely sober now. So don’t get him drunk.”
Rainbow and Pinkie were dumfounded by this, but had to lock away for the well-being of the show.
“Let’s start the show,” Luna suggested.
“Good idea. And we did get some mail from last week’s episode from some viewers, so hopefully we can answer some nice new questions. Question one comes from somepony named xXShadowSniperXx. I think that’s his e-mail address. Anyways, he asks, ‘Dear Canterlot Inbox: Liked the show from last week. Anyways, you have to choose. Your options are Princess Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia, and Princess Cadence. You must kill one, fuck one, and marry one. Make your choice.’ Oh, fuck me.”
“What do we say here?” asked Pinkie. “We know these ponies! We’re close to them!”
“We need to just answer and get it over with, alright? In advance, Princesses, we’re sorry for our answers,” Luna said. Keep in mind that all three of our intrepid hosts were trying to contain their laughter.
“I’ll go first,” Dash said. “I would…” She put her hoof into her face and leaned, giggling. “Oh, fuck. Okay, I would…fuck Twilight, marry Celestia, and kill Cadence.”
“I would do the same thing,” Pinkie said.
“This is friggin’ awkward for me no matter what. Do I fuck my sister, kill my sister, or marry my sister?” Luna asked herself, laughing. “Um…I would kill Celestia, marry Twilight, and fuck Cadence.”
“Why would you kill Celestia?” Pinkie asked.
“She stole my special edition copy of X-Ponies #1! I have a grudge.”
“Um…okay. Ooh, I like this next one,” Rainbow said. “’When was the first time you lust your verganity?’ Yes, it’s spelled ‘lust your verganity’.”
“Who cares about the first time you lust your verganity?” Luna said, shouting a bit and remaining straight faced. “It’s the second and third times that are worth talking about! You idiot! Next question.”
“We haven’t answered this one yet.”
“Fine. Remember the story I told you earlier, with Discord getting drunk? Well, before he got all ‘I’m-feeling-chaosy,’ I had also gotten a bit drunk. And we…you know, did the deed. He lost his then, too. And we’ve been ultra-best friends ever since. I cried when we imprisoned him for the first time, because I thought it was permanent. But nothing lasts forever.”
“Don’t you live forever?” Rainbow asked, intrigued.
“No. We just live longer. Our lifespan, starting from the moment we become a princess to our death, lasts about one thousand, five hundred years. So, when I came back from the moon, we were about one thousand years in. My sister and I have about 475 years left, Cadence has about 1,000, and Twilight has about 1,495. We wouldn’t make more ponies princesses if we wouldn’t die eventually.”
“I guess that makes sense,” Rainbow Dash said. “I feel kinda bad for Twilight now, because she’ll have to go awhile without us.”
“No, she won’t. Princesses can travel to and from the afterlife as they please.”
“Oh. Never mind then. What about you, Pinkie?”
“I was at a baker’s convention in Fillydelphia, went to a bar, and met a stallion. You can guess the rest.”
“I can,” Rainbow said. “I was in flight school, and it was on graduation. My friend Thunderlane seemed a bit off, and when I asked him why, he said that he was going to miss me. One thing led to another. He lost his, too.”
“Doesn’t Thunderlane live in Ponyville, too?”
“Yeah, but he didn’t know it then. As far as we knew, he was going to military school, which he did, but he was kicked out for disorderly conduct. He always was a bit of a troublemaker. Now, we go for lunch every week and catch up. Anyways, the moral of the story is that it doesn’t matter about the first time you lust your verganity! It’s the second and third times that are the ones worth talking about! You idiot! Next question.” She leaned back in her seat.
Pinkie laughed. “Icy Glaze asks, ‘When you go to the movie theater, which armrest is yours?”
“BOTH!” Rainbow shouted, leaning forward. “Lemme see the paper with the questions.” Ever since they had accepted e-mails and comments, they had to put those onto a paper. “Dragonis999 asks: have you ever been in an awkward/compromising position? Yes. When I lost my virginity. That was pretty awkward. Didn’t go very smoothly. How about you guys?”
“Once, I was at a baking competition, and the judges found trace amounts of baby powder in the cake. That was awkward, considering that was when those baby-powder-sniffing attacks happened out in Mareami,” Pinkie said.
“When I became Nightmare Moon, lots of ponies were there, and the transformation feels like giving birth to a fully-grown pony. Never wanna go through that again. Probably my most awkward one,” Luna added.
“Next question,” Rainbow started. “Horizon asks: what’s your most embarrassing moment?” She put a hoof to her chin. “Hmm…embarrassing? Well, one time, Thunderlane’s parents caught Thunderlane and I having sex. That was really embarrassing. That was after we had lost our virginities, mind you. I had visited him in military school. So did his parents. Things happened, and Thunderlane and his parents had an argument. I am actually one of the reasons he was kicked out of military school. And he thanked me for it. Hated that place, he did. Anyways, what about you guys? Most embarrassing moment?”
“Well, when I changed back to Princess Luna from Nightmare Moon, that was pretty embarrassing for me,” Luna said, slightly blushing.
“One time, about two years ago, I walked into the stallion’s room at a baking competition,” Pinkie divulged. She giggled. “What is it with me and baking competitions?”
“Dunno,” Luna said, “but I do know that that’s gonna wrap it up for this time. I will not be here for a few weeks. Important diplomatic stuff.”
“Where at?” Rainbow asked.
“I’d tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.”
“I won’t be here for a weeks, either,” Pinkie said. “A ton of parties to plan and throw.”
“What am I supposed to do, then?” Rainbow asked.
“Find a guest star.”
She pondered this for a moment. “Good idea,” she said, a smirk curling her mouth. “I know just the pony. In fact, I think I’ll ask her to make some sort of uniform for Inbox, too. She’s good at that.”