//------------------------------// // Chapter the First: Captain Monkey Wins World War II // Story: A Homeric Epic in Equestria // by KingHonorius12 //------------------------------// The movie showed several views of a dark, lonely estate. Then it entered a window and closed in on a snow globe clutched by a dying man. “Rose…bud…” “BO-RING,” said the viewer, who changed the channel. “We now return you to our feature presentation, Captain Monkey Wins World War II,” said a narrator. “Ooh!” “Ah cannot believe zat we ah being defeated by a mone-kee!” said Adolf Hitler. “Not just any mone-kee mein führer," said his underling. "A CAPTAIN MONE-KEE!” Captain Monkey Wins World War II was one of the silliest films made in the Twentieth Century. The concept was ridiculous, the writing was corny, the acting was terrible, and for some reason the Nazis all had French accents. To the average human being, this was one of the lowest forms of entertainment… …but to one simple, stupid man, it was a masterpiece of action, drama, suspense, and romance. Homer Simpson watched the Z-grade flick with awe as the eponymous primate crashed into der Fuhrer’s office of evil. “Ooh-OOH. ooh-OOH-AH-AH-AH!” proclaimed Captain Monkey, with Gusto. “But ze mone-kee! She cannot fly!” said Hitler. Captain Monkey produced a jetpack from thin air, and went straight for the megalomaniacal tyrant when… “Homer!” called a nagging voice. “Muuuhhh.” Replied Homer. Marge Simpson walked into the living room to stand in front of the television. “Homer, have you mowed the lawn yet?” asked the Simpsons matriarch. “Monkey punching bad guy. Me mow later,” said Homer. Marge plucked the TV remote from the couch and turned off the TV. “You’ve put it off for too long! The grass is taller than Bart is!” “No it’s not,” said Homer. “Look, you can see Maggie playing out there!” Indeed, Maggie Simpson’s head was poking out of the top of the grass. Then Bart walked inside with Maggie atop his head. “Mow the grass, Homer.” “But I CAN’T stop watching now!” pleaded Homer. “If I don’t watch Captain Monkey, then we’ll lose World War Two!” He turned to Marge. “Do you want to be responsible for letting the British take Pearl Harbor? Do you?!” Marge’s frown of disapproval remained unchanged by the fallacious remark. Homer walked to the garage to get the lawnmower, grumbling under his breath as he went. Homer thought his day couldn’t get any worse as he mowed his forest of a lawn when… “Howdily doodily, neighboreeno!” It never failed. Every time Homer was doing chores in the yard, the stupidest jerk in the world was just across the fence. “Hello, Flanders,” grumbled Homer. “Did you forget to mow the lawn too? “Almost did. I was just about to sit down and watch a movie, but thank the Lord, little Roddie noticed that the grass was half an inch too high. He doesn’t like when it tickles his feet. If not for him, I’d be sitting around watching TV when the grass is screaming to be trimmed!” Homer glowered straight ahead of him at nothing in particular. If it wasn’t enough that Ned was right next to him doing the exact same thing he was doing, it was that he was enjoying it while Homer… didn’t. “Lousy grass,” he mumbled, when he heard a car sound from his driveway. He saw Marge drive away with the kids in tow. “There goes Marge and the kids. I’ll bet they’re having fun while I’m stuck cutting this… green… stuff.” He imagined his wife and children eating ice cream on a moon bounce with sexy beer cans. “I’m sure glad Dad isn’t here, because this is way too fun,” said Lisa. “I love making Dad miserable,” said Bart. “What ‘chu talkin’ ‘bout boy?” said Maggie. “Stupid moon bounce.” Said Homer. “Wait, you fool! While Marge is gone, you can watch TV!” said Homer’s brain. “I can do what now?” asked Homer. “With Marge gone, you’re free to do whatever you want!” said Homer’s brain. “Including that?” asked Homer. “NO! You can watch Captain Monkey!” said Homer’s brain. “Captain who?” said Homer. … Inside Homer’s head, footsteps sounded, and then a door slammed. “Wait…” said Homer. “With Marge and the Kids gone… then I can watch TV!” He rushed through the tall grass back into the house, forgetting to turn the electric lawnmower off. Once inside, Homer plopped back down on the couch and turned the TV back on. “Oh, Captain Monkey,” said a young woman with long blonde hair. “I wish you were President! Then all of our dreams could come true!” “Ooh-ooh-ah, ooh-ah-ah,” said Captain Monkey. Entranced by the TV, Homer didn’t notice the runaway lawnmower tearing up the carpet until it ran over his toes. “OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!” shouted Homer. He jumped up and down on one foot, shouting all the while. Then with the clumsiness of a Simpson, he slipped and fell headfirst into the TV, crashing through the display. “Ooooooh… owwwww…” Homer moaned as he collected himself (which was easy, as there wasn’t much to collect). Suddenly, a flashing light caught his attention. While the lawnmower was tearing up the kitchen, he noticed that it had revealed a flashing, strobing blue hole on the wood underneath the living room carpet. Homer inspected it with confusion. “I don’t remember this being here. Or do I?” He pondered. “Well look who’s come crawling back,” said Homer’s brain. “But I’m standing up,” said Homer, nonplussed. “Do you want me to try and remember what that is?” asked Homer’s brain. “Yes, please,” said Homer. “Let's see,” said Homer's Brain, “Food... sex... food... beer... food... sex... food... Marge... how to do number one... how to do number two... a boy and two girls... why are some guy's kids in here? Food... more food... crayon shoved up nose out of curiosity at age six... universal translator shoved up nose for Science Fair project at age thirteen... wait, it's upside down. universal translator shoved up nose for Science Fair project at age thirty one..., more food... celebrities met... guys at the bar... food... repressed memories... ... I can't find anything,” said Homer’s brain. “You can't?” asked Homer. “No,” replied Homer’s brain. “Well look who’s come crawling back,” said Homer. … More footsteps; another door slam. Homer returned to inspecting the flashing blue hole. “Hmmm…” And now we come to the part where Homer demonstrates the sort of behavior that proves that he should have died years ago, in that he has the same sort of instinct for finding trouble that other humans do for avoiding it: Homer touched the hole. Immediately, the hole pulled on him, sucking him into an inter-dimensional portal that would lead towards hi-jinks abound. We leave you with his commentary on the event: “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”