//------------------------------// // The Wedding Planners // Story: Shotgun Wedding // by Titanium Dragon //------------------------------// "How'd you find us all the way out here?" Apple Bloom asked as Pinkie Pie bounced up and down in place. "Well, my right front hoof was achey this morning, which means there was a party I didn't know about! So I asked everypony in town if there was a party that I had forgotten about or if somepony new had moved to town, but no one knew anything! But Rarity wasn't home, so I thought about where I might find her, and then I started shaking! It was a real doozy! So I thought about something I would never expect, and I realized she must be with Applejack, so I was heading to Sweet Apple Acres. But then I heard you talking about a party and now I know you were the ones keeping it secret!" The energetic pink pony was springing up and down in place, grinning broadly. The three crusaders stared at Pinkie Pie for a few moments, before Apple Bloom spoke up. "Well that makes sense!" "It does?" Scootaloo asked skeptically. "So what's the party?" "My sister is getting married!" Sweetie Belle said, making Pinkie Pie's eyes widen, before she began to shake uncontrollably. "Applejack and Rarity are getting married?" she asked, her voice oscillating as her hooves erratically clattered against the ground. "Yup! You okay, Pinkie Pie?" Apple Bloom took a step forward. The fillies stared at the vibrating pink pony, watching her erratic movements before they suddenly stopped. "Okay? Okay?" Pinkie Pie's voice rose into a shriek, before she looked down at herself. "Yep, I'm okay." She grinned as she started bouncing up and down again in a more usual manner. "That sure was a doozy though! I haven't felt one that big since this morning! And I never would have expected that Rarity and Applejack were getting married!" The fillies blinked. "Wait, you do that all the time?" Apple Bloom asked. "Nope! Just today." The three fillies exchanged glances as the pink pony began to prattle on. "Oh! But if they're getting married I'll have to throw them a party! So the party I didn't know about was my party! That has never happened before!" She sat down after a spring. "Ooh, I haven't thrown an engagement party for two friends before! Usually there's at least one pony there I haven't met! I'll have to make a lot of cupcakes, and blue frosting, and-" "You're gonna do all that before the weddin'?" "Of course! What kind of friend wouldn't throw her bestest best friends in the whole wide world an engagement party?" "Aw. We were hoping you would help us with the wedding," Sweetie Belle said. "Oh, I'll help with that too! A wedding is just a really big party, after all, with dancing and music and cake and presents and rings and invitations and..." The fillies' eyes grew wider as the list grew longer. "We gotta get all that together by this afternoon?" Apple Bloom eventually asked, cutting off Pinkie Pie halfway through the utensils. "Oh no, silly! A wedding takes weeks to prepare. Why, it usually takes a whole day just to make a wedding cake! And that's not including all the other cakes they might need." "Uhhhh..." the three fillies said. "What is it?" "The wedding is this afternoon," Apple Bloom admitted. "This afternoon? As in, this afternoon this afternoon?" "Yup!" Sweetie Belle said. Pinkie Pie's eyes bulged. "No! That can't be right! Why didn't they tell me! Don't they know I only have enough blue and orange streamers for an engagement party?" "I don't think they knew before this mornin'," Apple Bloom admitted. "Rarity seemed a mite bit surprised when Granny Smith told 'em they were gettin' married this mornin'." "Ohhhhhh, I see now. It's a shotgun wedding. I understand." Pinkie Pie smiled, then paused, her tone of voice rapidly shifting. "No, no, no! This changes everything! I'll have to find shotguns! And what if it is a boy? I'll already be using all the blue streamers for Rarity, I won't have any left for him!" The fillies exchanged glances. "Uh, what are you talkin' about?" "Apple Bloom, does your family have any shotguns?" Pinkie Pie asked, grabbing and shaking the hapless filly. "I don't think so," she said dubiously. "Ohhhh, where will I find one? I don't think anypony has one. Maybe Rainbow Dash would know." Pinkie Pie looked pensive, before blinking. "Wait, has anypony sent out invitations yet?" The trio of fillies shook their heads. "Then there's no time to lose! Scootaloo, can you go find Rainbow Dash and ask her if she knows where I could find a shotgun? No, make that TWO shotguns. Oh, and tell her that she's invited to the wedding, but her invitation might be a teensy tiny bit late. Apple Bloom, I need you to go to Rose and tell her that Rarity and Applejack are getting married. We need every red rose, blue violet, yellow daisy, celandine, and buttercup she's got. But not one marigold! Not. One!" Pinkie Pie held up a hoof, shaking it in front of Apple Bloom's face threateningly. "What do I do?" Sweetie Belle asked. "I need you to help me with the invitations! We have five hundred to prepare and only," Pinkie Pie looked up at the sun, "five hours to do it! Plus you know where Rarity keeps the gold thread." Sweetie Belle blinked. "Gold? But Rarity told me not to touch it!" "Which means you know where it is. Sheesh, keep up will you? Don't worry, I'll touch it instead." "I dunno..." Pinkie Pie threw herself on the ground to latch onto Sweetie Belle's legs. "Please?" Sweetie Belle smiled. "Okay!" *** Rarity never thought it would end this way. In the full bloom of her youth, trapped between an unstoppable force and an immovable object. She could feel the life being squeezed out of her with every second that went by. And worst of all, the suit itched. "And this is my cousin, Orange Julius, and his wife Juniper. They lived all the way down in Hayseed. But when they had the big freeze, all their orange trees withered up and died! Things were mighty tough, what with settin' up the farm and not havin' any sales yet, but we Apples stick together; when they showed up without a bit to their names, we couldn't help but let them stay. The house weren't so big back then, though, so they had to stay in the barn. Good thing, too; lil' Valencia came not ten months after they moved in, and the walls in this place ain't so thick." Rarity shifted uncomfortably, scratching at her suit. She couldn't move much more than that, crammed on the couch as she was; Granny Smith was holding one end of the photo album, while Big Mac helpfully held the other from the far side of Applejack, who looked about as uncomfortable as Rarity was in her motheaten dress. While she certainly didn't mind being snuggled up with Applejack, somehow this lacked the intimacy of the previous evening. The old pony flipped the page in the book. "Ah, I remember this like it was yesterday. Me and my Skeeter." "Skeeter?" Rarity repeated dubiously, looking down at the yellowed picture. "Oh my, is that your husband?" "Sure is. He was the finest stallion I ever done laid eyes on. Might not look like it, but he was mighty strong for his size, too. Spect Applejack got that from his side of the family. Looks too, I reckon." Granny Smith nudged her granddaughter, who smiled weakly. "He was very handsome." "He was! Right up until he fell out of the hayloft on his face, anyhow. Turns out bein' called Skeeter don't make you any better at flyin'. Didn't matter to me none, though." "I... see," Rarity said slowly. "I must admit, Skeeter is a very unusual name. How did he come by it?" "T'weren't the name he was born with. I reckon he got the name when he first started courtin' me. He was quite the biter. I thought Applejack might take after him, the way she grabbed the tail of that colorful friend o' yours, but I guess it didn't work out." "For the last time, Granny, Rainbow Dash is just a friend, and always has been. She doesn't even like mares!" Applejack waved her hooves for emphasis. "Oh, that's what they all say. But I suppose we shouldn't be talkin' about things like that in front of your bride-to-be." Rarity spoke up. "I do hate to be a bore and go on about this, but I do want to ask - and in no way, am I saying I am pleased with this arrangement - why, if I am a bride, I am wearing a suit. Shouldn't I be wearing a dress as well?" "Don't got another dress that's fit to be married in, leastways not 'less you can grow a foot by two," Granny Smith said, grinning. "Well, if you just let me get back to my shop, I am sure-" Granny Smith cackled. "You just wanna run. Don't worry, it's just the jitters. My son had the same when he was gettin' married." "Dad was scared?" "Sure was! Practically had to drag him to the barn. But once he was there, wasn't a place in the world he'd rather be." The old pony chuckled as she paged through the photo album, flipping past several pages of yellowing photos before holding it open, pointing her hoof at the page. Rarity blinked at the page. "I never realized your mother was quite so... sturdy." "Sure was! She was built like an oak tree. Bout as heavy as one too," the old pony chuckled. "She was a mighty fine mare, though." "Mom really was somethin' else," Applejack said wistfully. Rarity sighed. It was easy to forget that the stubborn mare had had such a tough life. Shifting uncomfortably between Granny Smith and her marefriend, Rarity managed to put her hooves around Applejack's shoulders, drawing a smile from the farmer as she leaned over to give her a light kiss on the nose. "Course, after the weddin' was over, Red started gettin' antsy again. He weren't like you kids, he waited 'til after he was married before spendin' the night with her; he was awful nervous. Somethin' about her weighin' a hundred pounds more than he did." And the moment was lost. "I know your heart is set on this, but don't you think this is all rather sudden? All of these moments were true love. Shouldn't we wait to be sure before jumping into things?" Rarity's voice carried a hint of hope in it. "You sayin' you don't love Applejack?" Granny Smith gave Rarity a searching look. "N-no!" "Then what's the problem? If ya love her, can't be no problem in marryin' her." "Granny, I think what she means is, it's awful sudden. I love her to bits, but I'm not sure if it's the marryin' kind of love just yet." "Oh, it's definitely the marrying kind of love, if the way y'all look at each other is anythin' to go by." The pair ducked their heads. "Plus if y'all had as good a time last night as I think you did, she's definitely a keeper." Applejack's cheeks were crimson, and Rarity could feel her own face burning. "I keep tryin' to tell you, it ain't like that!" "And I keep tryin' to tell you, you ain't a very good liar. This ain't my first rodeo." The old mare cackled before rising from the couch. "I gotta stretch my legs. Not the same as they used to be." As she stepped across the floor, her joints popped. "And I just remembered where I put your parents' marriage album. I'll be back in a jiffy." As Granny Smith vanished from the room, the pair of lovers relaxed, slumping on the couch. Stretching her legs, Rarity looked over at Big Macintosh and noticed for the first time a smirk tugging at the big stallion's lips. "I don't see what's so funny," Rarity huffed, taking a few steps around the coffee table. "Nothin'," the big stallion said blandly, drawing an irritated sigh from Applejack. "I ain't seein' you be much of a help here," she groused at her brother, glaring at him. "Nope." "You should be ashamed, lettin' her get all worked up like this! We ain't gettin' married, Big Mac, leastways not today." "I reckon I know that," the stallion drawled. "You goin' to tell her that?" Big Mac shrugged. "Nope." Rarity frowned. "You don't think we should get married, do you?" The stallion shook his head. "Nope." "Then why ever don't you say so?" "Cause he thinks it's funny," Applejack groused. "He's bein' mighty helpful to her, even after Apple Bloom ran off." Big Mac leaned back into the couch, smiling. "Eyup." "You wouldn't think it was so funny if she was doin' it to you." Applejack crossed her hooves. "Nope." Applejack narrowed her eyes at that; apparently she had caught something in his laconic response that Rarity had missed. "She do somethin' like this to you, too?" *** "Now Granny," Big McIntosh said, nervously backing up. "It ain't like that." "I reckon it's 'xactly like that. It's Hearts and Hooves day, you ain't been around all day, and now I find your sister and her friends doin' your chores for you while you try and sneak off with Miss Cheerilee." Big Mac's ears fell back against his head as the pink pony beside him spoke up. "Granny Smith, I understand your concern, but we were simply teasing the girls. They—" "I know what they did! I heard from the Cakes that they was helpin' y'all get ready to get hitched earlier today. How could you not tell your Granny, Big Mac?" The stallion shook his head in denial. "We ain't gettin' married." "Changed your mind, did you? Or did you think y'all would sneak off and spend some time alone and skip the weddin' part? Every Apple has had a family, and I ain't gonna let you be the first one to break that tradition." Granny Smith's voice was stern as she scolded her grandson, the large stallion quailing before her. "Granny Smith, this is all just a misunderstanding," Cherilee began, before the older pony cut in. "And you!" Granny Smith pointed her hoof at the pink pony, ignoring her protest. "What kind of example are you settin' for those little fillies, sneakin' off with some handsome stallion' ya ain't married to?" "Am I not being clear? I am not dating your grandson." "And what's that supposed to mean? He's good enough to sneak off with, but not for lovin'?" Granny Smith advanced menacingly. The mare blinked. "That wasn't what I meant. I—" Cheerilee began, before she found herself nose-to-nose with the Apple family's matron. "Fiddlesticks! You ain't eatin' supper before you say grace, not in this house you ain't! " Granny Smith hmphed. "It's a good thing I caught y'all before y'all did somethin' y'all might regret." "But Granny—" "Don't 'But Granny' me ya big galoot!" She represented her grandson. "I ain't listen' to any more of y'alls lies. The Cakes were real nice about it, but the way they were talkin' about y'all carryin' on, y'all sounded like you was gettin' mighty 'fectionate in their shop. And here y'all are denyin' it to my face. Well I won't have it!" Granny Smith stomped her hoof. "If y'all are gettin' married, your family is standin' by you for it. It's time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope." Cheerilee stared at Granny Smith, and even Big Mac looked confused. "I mean it's time to stop fussin and just do right by each other. If y'all are so anxious to get to it, there ain't much time to be fancy. Lucky for you your ma and pa kept their weddin' outfits." The older pony turned around and began walking away. "I'll be back before you can say apple pie. Y'all behave now, you hear?" Big Mac bowed his head to his grandmother while Cheerilee just stood there staring long after Granny Smith had disappeared. "I'm real sorry 'bout all this," Big Mac said to his companion, who laughed nervously. "No reason to be sorry! It's just a little misunderstanding, that's all. I'll let you two sort it out." Cheerilee wheeled around, turning towards the door and tried to push it open; the door rattled in its frame. Her eyes flicked around for the lock, before finally noticing the latch and awkwardly trying to nose it open with her snout. After watching her struggle for a few seconds, Big Mac stepped forward to help. "Here, let me get that for you," he said, the big pony leaning past the smaller one, his snout bumping against Cheerilee's before making it to the latch. Gripping it in his teeth, he jimmied it from side to side before finally sliding it open and lowering his head. "There ya go," he said, moments before Granny Smith's voice came from behind. "I thought I told y'all to behave while I was gone," she said, drawing a blush from the pair who had crowded together in front of the door; the two ponies stepped a pace apart as Granny Smith chuckled. "Naw, it's alright. I know y'all love each other, it's fine to show some 'fection." Turning around to face his grandmother, Big Mac could see the older pony had brought down his mother's dress and his father's old suit. The big stallion sighed and shook his head. "Granny, I don't know how you 'spect to fit me in Pa's old suit." The old pony cackled. "Who said the suit was for you?" Granny Smith grinned before turning towards his mother's voluminous dress, grasping it in her mouth. Big Mac gulped as she started to advance on the big stallion with a gleam in her eye. *** "Nnnope." Applejack sighed at her brother's response, slumping back onto the couch and pushing her hat down over her eyes. "Maybe I should simply leave?" Rarity suggested. "You don't know Granny too well. Once she's got an idea in her head, she'll latch onto you tighter than bark on a tree. She ain't gonna just let you go, and if you try and sneak off, she'll just catch ya." Applejack pushed her hat back, shaking her head. "So what do we do then? We can't get married!" "You don't think I don't know that?" Applejack lowered her voice. "Sorry. I know this's got to be tough on you, too." Rarity sniffed. "Well, things could certainly be better. That dress you're wearing is simply atrocious. I know that the Apples were certainly 'roughing it' when they founded Ponyville, but a wedding dress is supposed to be special. Getting married in something like that is practically criminal!" Rarity shook her head. "The seams are all wrong; you can see that the stitches aren't straight, and the fabric isn't even around your barrel." Rarity reached over to run her hoof over the offending fabric. "And that is to say nothing about the color! It is fortunate those old cameras only saw the world in gray, or else you might think a vegetable garden was getting married. I am surprised the moths even bothered to dine on that dress; I would have thought they had better taste." "Uh, you do know Granny Smith had to hoof-stitch this dress together herself, right?" Rarity swallowed, shifting uncomfortably as she showed her teeth in a terrible imitation of a smile. "Well, I'm sure the colors weren't so bad. Perhaps they've just... changed over the years. Yes, that's it." Rarity nodded her head. "Some dyes do age poorly, after all, and it is not as if she had much choice in the matter all the way out here, the old dear." "I take it you don't like the suit much, either," Applejack said blandly. "Oh, the suit is fine, though it is more the sort of thing one would wear to a funeral than a wedding." The unicorn shifted again, scratching at herself with her hoof. "Though I am afraid the mothballs do not agree with me." Applejack's mouth twitched. "Well, at least its in one piece." Rarity smiled. "Yes, well, I am certain that the moths were not thinking of comfort when they made sure that dress would be well ventilated." The pair leaned back into the couch, sharing a moment of comfortable silence. "I must admit, despite all this, I am rather relieved of Granny Smith being so accepting of... us." "A bit too acceptin' if you ask me," Applejack groused, earning a giggle from Rarity as she moved over to give her marefriend a hug. "Quite," Rarity said, her smile fading into a frown once more. "But she doesn't seem to be willing to take no for an answer." "Well, she can't exactly marry us by herself. I reckon the way she's been runnin' around, she'll probably tire herself out and have to take a nap in an hour or so. I 'spect by the time she's woken up, she'll have plumb forgotten about this whole mess." "A whole hour?" Rarity pouted. "'Fraid so, 'less you have a better idea. Least this way you get to know all about my family up front. Not exactly how I would have planned things, mind, but you were gonna have to hear 'bout it sooner or later." Rarity smiled and leaned over to nuzzle into Applejack's jaw. "I suppose so. Your family certainly has some... interesting history." Applejack laughed. "That we do. I 'spect we're not short in that department, at least." "Well, I suppose I can stand it. Though I would like to get out of this ghasty suit. It itches." "Maybe I can help," Applejack said, leaning over to start pawing at Rarity with her hooves. "I'm here, you know" Big Mac said stoically from the far end of the couch, making Applejack blush. "I didn't mean it like that!" she said crossly. "Oh, and I so was looking forward to it, too," Rarity said flirtatiously, before leaning up to give Applejack a peck on the nose, making her face flush all the more. "Gettin' comfy over there?" Granny Smith said as she dropped a large, dusty album onto the table. "Can't leave you two alone for a minute, can I?" "I guess not," Applejack said, grinning. The warmth of contact fled from the unicorn as her marefriend leaned away to sit properly. As Granny Smith nosed open the photo album, Rarity sighed and leaned forward. It wouldn't be so bad; another hour of this and she would be free to put this whole awful business behind her.