The Wheel and the Butterfly A Dan X Pinkie Pie Saga

by Justice3442


Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate: Chapter 22 Dan Vs. Groceries

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate

Chapter 22 Dan Vs. Groceries

-ooooooo-

Dan stirred from under the bed covers and sat up, groggily coming to his senses. The bright California sun was shooting into his bedroom in bright strips of light through the space between his window blinds.

Once again, he was surprised to find the other half of the bed empty. Especially since his roommate had spent the night next to him tossing, whimpering, and waking him up to explain in gory detail the gruesome murder she got to play victim in in her nightmare for the seventh night in a row.

“…Pinkie?” He called out tentatively, sure the bathroom door would fly open and he’d be tackle-glomped again.

“Meow” was the only reply as Mr. Mumbles trotted into view and jumped on the bed, a note of some sort carried in the mangy grey cat’s mouth.

Dan took the note and absentmindedly stroked Mr. Mumbles as he read it. Elck... She wrote it in her pink glitter Pen of course, and even dotted each 'i' with a ridiculous heart. At least it's legible, I wonder how much time she had to put in to accomplish that herculean feat.

'To the bestest, most super, roommate in the whole wide world,
Went grocery shopping.
Love,

Pinkie Pie

P.S. Take a shower and brush your teeth, OK?'

And of course that last sentence warranted another giant, gaudy heart. Well, at least she didn’t draw a knife through it…

Just my luck I’d end up sharing living space with the only person on the planet who’s capable of threatening potentially lethal violence one moment and at the mercy of a cheesy slasher-flick the next…

Dan looked towards the bedroom entrance, which was kitty-corner from the bathroom entrance, and sighed. Well, she hasn't threatened me recently, but she seems to take sadistic glee in playing a doting mother... I mean... I think that's what she's doing. Mom never cared what I did so long as I was chained up for the most part... Still it's either wash up or have her threaten to do it for me. And if I avoid brushing my teeth she's going to stand behind me and physically assult my mouth with that painfully spiky brush and burning mint-flavored toothpaste.

…I could just escape the apartment for the day…of course, she’d probably just make me shower and brush my teeth when I get back. And I have been missing lots of high quality TV with all this trying to avoiding her…

Dan grumbled irritably to himself. I can't believe she's somehow made torturing myself in the bathroom the sensible decision! He walked over to his dresser and nabbed a change of boxers, some socks, a black “JERK” shirt, and jeans.

-ooooo-

Dan opened the bathroom door and stepped out into what was essentially the living room of the tiny apartment. His breath was still shallow from the self-inflicted torture of removing plaque. Perspiration and water from his still damp hair covered his face and dampened the collar of his shirt a bit.

He looked up to notice Pinkie had returned and was grinning widely at him.

Dan scowled at back at her, recognizing Pinkie's smile as a mixture of happiness and amusement.

Pinkie was dressed in her red, floral shirt, rolled up denim shorts, and light pink flats with a set of two blue and one yellow balloon per shoe. She stood in the kitchen next to an open brown bag and a couple more that had been neatly folded and set to the side.

Pinkie giggled to herself as she poured herself a rainbow assortment of 'Fruity Circles' into a plastic bowl from a red cereal box, “Congratulations on surviving the deadly medley of shower gel and toothpaste. Thanks for not making me force good sanitation habits on you, today,” she said closing her eyes and smiling warmly.

Dan shot her a glare. “How can I force you to clean me?” he demanded. “Your bizarre compulsion to get me to smell like I was assaulted by a minty sandalwood plant elemental is hardly my fault.”

Err…sorry.” Pinkie said, her expression going a bit more serious. “I really meant it…thank you,” she said with wide, honest skyblue eyes.

“Whatever,” Dan said dismissively, walking over to the fridge. “What you get?”

“Oooo! Oooo! I got a cantaloupe, watermelon, some oranges, apples, lettuce, milk, cheese…”

“You stocked my fridge with poison and unnecessary food groups?!” Dan said as he threw his arms out to the side.

 “I’m pretty sure fruits and vegetables are necessary if you don’t want to die of malnutrition, somehow,” Pinkie responded, putting a ponderous index finger on her chin as she looked towards the ceiling.

“Well, maybe I do want to die of malnutrition!” Dan said, folding his arms.

Pinkie put a pout on her face. “What if I don’t want you to die of malnutrition?”

“You are the most selfish person I’ve ever met, you know that?”

Pinkie frowned and sighed. I guess forcing Dan to eat something besides a vegetable free hamburger or turkey sandwich is something I'll have to do today...

Dan opened the fridge and began taking stock of the various items Pinkie had just stocked it with. “WHAT IS THIS TREACHERY?!” He demanded, pulling out a light green stalk with equally green branches and darker green flower heads.

That treachery is also known as ‘Broccoli’,” Pinkie answered, casually pointing at the green item in Dan’s hand.  

“You know how I feel about broccoli!”

“I know you created and were almost eaten by a giant broccoli monster. I figured this could be your way of getting revenge on broccoli kind,” Pinkie explained with a smile.

“Oh, no! I won’t have you trick me into eating empty calories by appealing to my sense of justice.”

“Danny, I’m pretty surey broccoli is likey the completely opposity thingy of empty calories…ees.”

“DON’T CALL ME ‘DANNY! Also, broccoli is highly triggering for me. I mean it. I’m triggered. You triggered me Pinkie. Way to go.”

Pinkie rolled her eyes. “Yes, I can see that…”

“DON’T YOU DARE MAKE LIGHT OF MY TRAUMATIZING EXPERIENCE!”

Pinkie motioned out to Dan. “Dan, your life is a series of traumatizing experiences!" She motioned to herself. "MY LIFE is now a series of traumatizing experiences! I…” Pinkie stopped, extended her arm, and took a deep breath.

Maybe a different stratagem will work…

“Dan, please eat some broccoli, for me?” she asked. She fluttered her eyelashes, puffed out her lips, and looked at Dan with wide, sad-looking sky-blue eyes.

“I’ll eat it if you agree to eat some meat,” Dan said, finally smiling, but not the type of smile Pinkie was hoping for.

Pinkie’s shoulders slumped and her expression changed to a defeated look. “Dan…you know I’m still working out my feelings on that.”

Dan shrugged, sly grin still coating his face. “If you’re going to cut a food group out of your diet, I don’t see how you can expect me to live up to some ridiculously high standard you yourself won’t abide by,” Dan said smugly.

Pinkie brought both palms up to her temples and ruffled her hair in frustration. “Fine! Don’t eat the stupid broccoli! I’ll eat it.”

“No! I don’t even want this thing in the apartment!” Dan declared. He quickly opened the door to the apartment and lobbed the broccoli outside, nailing a cyclist in the face and causing said cyclist to lose control of his bike and crash into a red hatchback.

“My car!” Dan exclaimed. He wheeled around on Pinkie, accusatory finger at the ready. “YOU DID THIS!”

Pinkie put her forearms up and held up open palms as she rolled her eyes. “Yes Dan, you caught me. Buying broccoli was an elaborate ploy to have an irritating fight with you complete with you assailing a bicyclist with a vegetable so he would crash into your car,” she answered sarcastically.

Dan furrowed his brow angrily at his roommate. He took note of the bowl of dry cereal she had set down next to her. Reaching back into the fridge, he grabbed a full gallon carton of milk.

“Dan! Don’t…” Pinkie began to plead.

Without any hesitation, Dan lobbed 8 pounds of milky, plastic wrapped projectile out into the street, hitting a second cyclist that had stopped to check on the first and knocking both cyclist and bike into the car while exploding milk over the pair and red hatchback.

“What’s with all the cyclists around here?” Dan asked irritably. “Don’t they know this is a dangerous neighborhood?”   He paused and his eyes widened slightly as he heard a “Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…” that was slowly rising in volume.

He turned to see his roommate fixing him with a glare.

Expecting her to utter a number, Pinkie fished out a small, plastic bottle of two percent milk from the brown bag next to her instead. “Luckily, I had prepared for the possibility of a Dan level temper-tantrum.”

“Don’t you pour that milk!” Dan demanded, violently pointing at the offending bottle.

Pinkie grinned mischievously. “You mean…this milk?” Pinkie unscrewed the top of the bottle. Holding the bottle in one hand she bit down on the foil seal and held it over the bowl.

Don’t you dare pour that milk!” Dan closed the door to the apartment and took a few steps closer to his roommate.

“Oh…I’m pouring.” Pinkie said as she tipped the bottle slightly.

“Pinkie! Don’t…”

Without hesitation, Pinkie poured 8 ounces of milky liquid onto her cereal.

Dan uttered an irritated “Gah!” and held his hands up in angry claws at face level.

Pinkie giggled to herself and looked back to the bowl of cereal. Her smile fell as she realized she was missing something.

Dan’s evil, toothy grin surfaced as he patted the flatware drawer next to him.

Pinkie lifted the cereal bowl and raised it to her determined looking face.

Dan raised an eyebrow. “You wouldn’t.”

“I used to devour entire collections of cakes without a fork in sight.” Pinkie grinned slyly. “Do you reeeeaally think I’m scared of getting a little milk on my face?” she purred.

“Pinkie, if you put that cereal in your mouth, I will attack,” Dan said. He resolutely added, “I bite.”

Oooooh…bet you don’t bite as hard as meeee~.” Pinkie responded in a sing-song tone.

Dan focused his emerald eyes on his roommate’s sky-blue ones.

Pinkie’s teeth gritted.

The two roomies had a tense sta--
Pinkie buried her face in the bowl and began devouring cereal with an audible “Om-nom-nom-nommy-nom-nommy-nom-nom.” Getting cereal and milk everywhere.

Dan gave off an angry roar and charged his roommate. He was short but scrappy while his roommate was a bit taller... and equally scrappy.

One tackle later: Dan, Pinkie, and moist cereal were a heap on the floor.

Dan immediately brought his milk soaked body to its feet. “Ghaaaaaaaaaa! Unclean!” He announced, running towards the bathroom.

“Dan, wait!” Pinkie called out after him. “I didn’t want to…”

SLAM

“… fight.” Pinkie finished softly.

The sound of the shower running emanated from the bathroom.

Mr. Mumbles bounded up to the mess on the kitchen and began lapping up milk.

Pinkie sighed and surveyed the damage. Her shirt and shorts were covered in milk and cereal, as was the kitchen. It would go down in apartment history as one of the cleanest battles the two had ever fought.

Dan threw open the door and emerged, fully clothed and sopping wet. He angrily trudged towards the apartment door.

“Dan! Stop! At least let me…”

SLAM

“…say ‘sorry’,” Pinkie finished softly.

“Mew?” Mr. Mumbles said, looking up at Pinkie Pie with large, green and black eyes.

Pinkie sighed and bent down to take the cat into her arms; Mr. Mumbles purred in response.

“He’ll come around,” she assured to herself as much as to Mr. Mumbles.

Mr. Mumbles licked at the milk on Pinkie’s face in response.

Pinkie giggled as the rough cat tongue dragged across her cheek.

She thought back on something Dan said earlier.

“Meat, eh?” she said to herself. “I wonder if Twilight…”

-ooo-

Dan ran towards the stairs, slipping on his wet socks as he descended, and tumbling half a dozen steps before landing hard on the concrete below.

He raised to his feet, balled his hands into fists, threw his arms into the air, and shouted at the heavens.

“ROOOOOOOOMMAAAAAAAATE!”

Dan Vs.

Roommate