I f*beep*ing hated that f*beep*ing highway. Thank God all-f*beep*ing-mighty that I'll never have to f*beep*ing drive all the f*beep*ing way back!
Ugh. You know what, f*beep* cars. I don't care anymore for the things, they can all just rust or something. I got where I wanted to be, that's all that matters.
One would think such a monumentally important building would be a little bigger than some dinky community center that was conveniently next to an apartment complex. I bet this place is seeing a significant shortage of chairs.
Or not.
Pretty empty walking in. Main lobby, desk, two hallways, pretty white and sterile all about. The only splash of colour was a rather disinterested looking teal unicorn sitting in a chair. Sitting... Like, a person. It, in no way at all, looked comfortable or even healthy for the little thing, but there it was, sitting, in a chair, like a proper, bored human. Huh.
"Well look what the cat dragged in."
Let me handle this.
"Who are you talking to?"
"No one."
"Ah."
This one's just gotta be a convert, why else would it feel so compelled to slouch like that?
"Because it's comfy and it drives my Bon Bon crazy."
Oh f*beep, it can hear my thoughts!
"Do you talk to yourself often? Do I need a medic in here? I think there's a hospital not too far from here that still treats humans."
"Well, I guess you can end up creating imaginary friends when you're alone for one year, seven months, eighteen days, one hour, and fifty-two minutes. It's supposed to stop me from going crazy."
"Doesn't work so well, does it?"
"Guess not."
Okay, inside thoughts... inside thoughts... Hello, anyone hear this? Oh thank goodness, my brain's still mine.
"So, umm... I got this letter, and I guess I'm here to get converted, like you?"
"I was born in Equestria, so were my parents."
"Oh, okay... now this is awkward."
"Wanna just sign a few papers, and I can call the Doctor in?"
"Please, umm... miss..."
"I'm Lyra. Now if you just sign your name on this sheet, I'll know your name."
"Kennedy Baxter, or Ken... Kenny... I could care less so long as someone calls me something."
"Alright Mr. Something."
I'm not going to bore you guys with the details with how long this conversation with this troll of a pony goes, so let's fast forward a few seconds.
"And I said "Oatmeal, are you crazy?""
"Wait, where the f*beep* did oatmeal come into this?"
"Oh, don't mind Lyra here, Kennedy. She used to hang out with a very random crowd back home in Ponyville."
Woah, totally didn't see the brown pony pop up there.
"Hey, Doc. Here's the human, all ready to see his room for the week."
"Alright. Would you come with me, Mr. Baxter?"
Gotta remember the name, Lyra. Every time I see her, gotta stick out the tongue and turn up the nose. "The sniffing of the turd", so gramps would call it.
Oop? We're going up an elevator, are we? alright. I guess that means we're in the apartments now. Turning around some halls... stopping at a door.
"And here's your room, Ken. Protocol is that you're in here for a week, sort of get familiar with your roommate and mentor, whom is due to be back in around five minutes from her excursion to the pub. She's a native to Equestria, so feel free to ask questions if she's not too tipsy. If you need any help, just call the Doctor."
"Alright, Doctor. Umm, I don't think I really got your name, though."
"Oh, I'm the Doctor."
"Doctor who?"
"Just the Doctor."
And as fast as that, door shuts, and I'm alone. This place gets weirder and weirder. Huh, maybe it's just this province, or maybe Manitoba's the only normal one to me?
So, two beds, one smaller, one bigger. No doubt the bigger one's mine. Just gotta dump all these here CDs, find something to play them on, and pray my roommate's not tone-deaf and stubborn. Ugh, just like all my project partners in college.
What luck, a stereo, and another collection that far surpasses mine. Let's check the titles here... Deadmou5... Daft Punk... Madeon... Skrillix. Can't be so bad if they even got some oldies in here. Just take out the CD here and pop in my own and...
"What are you doing?"
Dammit, what's with all these ninja ponies?
"Oh, umm... Sorry. The "Doctor", said I was being placed in this room with a mentor, and I have this box of CDs, and there's a CD player here, so I just-"
"What do you have?"
"I got some BTO, Audioslave, Cooper, Nine Inch Nails, Girl Talk, Beats Antique-"
"Really? Can I see that last one?"
"Uh, sure. It's right in the box there on the bed."
"My bed."
"'Scuse me?"
"Ya, my bed. That's where I've been sleeping. On my nice, big, comfy bed."
"Oh, well, I didn't see anywhere else I could sleep."
"There's the little bed right there."
"I've gotta be twice the size of that thing."
"I'm just kidding. The small one's really mine. The larger one has a spring that pokes you in the back anyways."
I'm so lost. Do I want my legs freezing over the foot of the bed, or do I want a spring stabbing me in the back? Wait a minute...
"Uh, what's your name?"
"Vinyl Scratch. Best you just call me Scratch or Vinyl. What do I call you?"
"I'm Kenny."
"Alright, introductions are over. All rumours you've heard about any of the ponies here are most likely true. The Doctor's a time traveler, Soarin loves Spitfire, but she doesn't know, Lyra and Bon Bon are, indeed, lesbians, and I'm totally not DJ P0N3, the greatest pony DJ in Equestria."
Subtle, my new, equine friend... About as subtle as two trains crashing into each other.