chapter 1[title: panic and other related useless emotions.]/
I woke to screaming. I was screaming. There was no conscious thought to scream, but I could not stop as I threw myself from my bed and crashed through my nightstand, blue and grey filling the edges of my vision. A feral growl escaped me in between thrashing and kicking myself free from the suffocating feeling that I woke to.
With a tremendous rip I felt myself come free in a way that seemed more like a mutation, a twisted bursting from a cocoon I had never crawled into. My world fell sideways as I threw myself away from a pale sky blue shape creeping up on me from below.
They know.
The voice demanded, screamed without changing tone directly into my mind. It was right. They knew. They all knew and I had to hide it, they couldn’t know, they couldn’t figure it out. I turned sharply, my head whipping heavily towards a closet door that stood slanted open and reflecting the far corner of my room, an anger filling me as I realized I would have to break the mirror for it’s disobedience, before I thought it through a second time, my face screwing up in confusion.
No. That’s not right. That’s not what needs to happen at all.
With a shaking uncertainty on hefting limbs I felt were wrong and that I did not understand, I forced my point of view vertical so the world behaved itself, my mind swimming as I stumbled roughly towards the mirror, my every sense screaming terror at alien emotions and motions my muscles took in order to do so, my few thoughts focusing on seeing myself, because something was wrong.
You are wrong.
She was right, of course she was right, she knew and she will always know, I must help her...
Her... Who is ‘she’? Who is speaking to me? Why do I agree with them? This is wrong. This is terrible, no I am not wrong. Something else is wrong and I’ve been caught up in it. This isn’t my fault. This isn’t fair...
I finally met with the heavy wooden door and pushed it closed so I could see myself.
Kind violet eyes hiding such crippling pain. Hair, mane? A mane torn and frayed by panic and fear. front right hoof raised in hesitant greeting, front left grinding into the scratchy and cold carpet in a neurotic pattern. Twist left, twist right, twist right, slide forward, slide back, slide right, pick up and move to center. Repeat. Soothing, it was a calming motion, something that needed to happen, something that distracted me from tears dropping from my eyes as I watched those same tears fall in the reflection of a tired and noble mare, brought low by a secret, brought low by a system that cares for the safety of others more than the truth. The neverending truth.
It was so cold. I hadn’t realized it until I turned off the shower and felt the warm air of my apartment flow over me. I shook, this body shook and shivered as strange stubs threw themselves over the edge of a bathtub I found myself in. Without thought they heaved and I landed on the other side of the icy white wall, frantic looks around the room confirming that I was alone despite the feeling of being watched by a disapproving and furious taskmaster. The voices were just whispers slightly beyond comprehension, I pulled down a towel with my teeth and curled up under its protective white plush, my shivers slowly subsiding as I drifted into sleep.
I woke instantly, feeling no more refreshed, as though shaken awake by an invisible force. I blinked slowly, trying to get my bearings, trying to drown out the static as I finished drying myself, finished drying this foreign body so unfairly thrust upon me.
Slowly I made my way through the dirty and neglected apartment to my bedroom, where I flipped open a wallet tossed carelessly into the mess of splinters I had landed on. Some of the splinters were red, then I slowly realized that I was bleeding. How had I missed that? It sure seemed important then, but before it had been such a minor inconvenience I hadn’t even bothered to remember. Now my eyes traced the trail of blood drops through the house, examining with a critical eye the towel I wore for total liquid content.
Roughly an ounce through the apartment, maybe another one or two in the towel.
I decided with a dull equation of blood loss and inability to repair my own damage to call someone. Not the police of course, I need not bother them with such trivial things. An ambulance would only steal me away in the night and replace my mind with shards of pain and awareness so crippling, I don’t want to understand. I didn’t want to understand. I decided to call for food. I was hungry.
“Papa John’s, what can I get for you tonight?”
For a moment I pondered the time. It must be night time. No wonder I was so tired, so sleepy and warm in the blanket I had wrapped around myself, the cheerful red spreading across the cream-colored sponge-like material.
“I need a pizza,” I whispered, my voice making me cringe.
“Of course. What size?”
“I’ve lost a lot of blood...” I growled, the inconvenience of it all angering me. “So probably a large.”
“I’m sorry Ma’am, what was that?” Panic slipped into her voice. Unnecessary, emotional, useless.
“I said, I’ve lost a lot of blood!” I screamed. “So probably a large!”
“Ma’am where are you?” she asked, more emotion pouring over her voice and only making me angrier, I snarled as I dropped the phone, barking and shouting at the stubborn thing, while kicking it against the wall until the dizziness came back, convincing me to lay down, my eyelids heavy.
Just before I slid into darkness a while later, I heard sirens in the distance.
/chapter 1