"So...e-explain to me again why we *gulp* have to be out here?"
Agent Coltson glanced down at Spike before turning his attention back to the darkened path. His customary sunglasses were tucked in the pocket of his suit jacket, as it was simply too dark even for his sharp eyes to wear them (and he always wore his sunglasses at night So he can, So he can watch you weave then breathe your story lines) . The gloom of the Everfree Forest hung around the trio as they marched down the path, hiding the dangers that lurked just beyond the edges of the path (dangers that included, but are not limited to spooky trees, possessed pumpkins, ghostly swords… apparently Game Freak was in charge of designing the Everfree’s residences). Occasionally Scootaloo or Spike would flinch when a strange cry pierced the air; Coltson was the only one to remain calm and not look about with wide eyes whenever a twig snapped.
"Because Scootaloo sensed that there was a Twilight out here," Coltson said."
"Right, that explains why you are here," Scootaloo said, "but it doesn't explain why Spike and I are here."
"You two are at the center of this mess and have to clean it up," Coltson said, ducking under a low-hanging branch that just happened to look like a gnarled hand darting out to wrap around their throats and strangle them to death (Scootaloo made a mental note to ask Princess Celestia who the hay thought it was a smart idea to have A CREEPY HAUNTED FOREST IN THE MIDDLE OF EQUESTRIA!).
"But that's not fair!" Spike whined. "I didn't even cause this... I wanted Twilight to not do the experiments! Why am I getting lumped in with Rainbow Bash over here!"
"Hey!" Scootaloo shouted. "That's not... wait... Rainbow Bash, huh? That's kinda cool." Scootaloo pulled a notebook out (don't ask where she was hiding it) and muttered, "change... name... to... Rainbow... Bash."
"Spike, we all have things we don't want to do," Coltson said, stopping at a fork in the road. "Scootaloo?"
"Uh... I am getting the feeling that we should... hmmm... turn around and go home to a nice safe beds?" She gave him a weak smile but the agent wasn't having any of it. "Fine! The left path!"
"Thank you," Coltson said, heading down said path, the two youngsters following after him. "I suggest you both work with me on this... the sooner we are done the sooner we can go on a more dangerous mission." He turned towards them and, seeing their scowls, coughed. "That... that was a joke... ok, not in a laughing mood."
"Of course we aren't!" Spike complained, kicking as some leaves that had fallen onto the path. "We are walking through a bewitched forest that is full on big scary monsters that would love to gobble up ponies and baby dragons!"
Coltson looked at the two and smiled. "Come on now, there is no need to be scared. It’s just a dark, spooky forest full of vicious carnivores that was also home to Nightmare Moon."
"...so if we turn around and run really fast we should make it back to Ponyville before supper," Scootaloo said.
Coltson stopped walking, gesturing at the trees all around them. "Buck up... do you know what I do when I am scared?"
"Run away to someplace safe?" Spike asked.
"I sing!"
"Please... no..." Scootaloo whimpered.
Coltson
Sometimes life is scary
And situations are quiet hairy
You feel as if you are caught in an evil curse
When you’re caught in the thistle
Don't start crying... give a whistle!
And things will be sure to work out for the best
And...
Always look on the bright side of life!
(Whistles)
Always look on the bright side of life!
(Whistles)
When something gives you a fright
Don't be scared of the night!
Just open your mouth a bit and begin to sing!
When shadows make you stumble
It does no good to bumble
Just purse your lips and whistle, that's the thing!
Always look on the bright side of life!
(Whistles)
Always look on the bright side of life!
(Whistle)
I know this seems absurd
But please take my word
There is nothing out here you need to fear
Forget about your frights
Or the clear lack of lights
We are as safe as safe can be!
Coltson opened his mouth to sing more, only for a terrible roar to fill the air. Scootaloo and Spike hugged each other in fright... before remembering about the dreaded scourge that was 'cooties' (remember, the only way to know if you have cooties is to get tested!). Coltson spun about, his body tense, but when nothing appeared he gave a shaky laugh. The two whipped around, marching towards the agent, eyes narrowed as they glared at him.
Scootaloo
Always look on the bright side of death!
(Spike tries to whistle and fails)
Just before you draw your terminal breath!
(Spike tries again then just gives up)
Spike
This might be our end
and when we need a friend
We just have this crazy singing fool!
Coltson
Chase your fears away with a laguh!
Scootaloo
Dear Celestia, you're a sap!
Spike
I hope the first one eaten is you!
All (singing over each other)
Always look on the bright side of life/death!
(All whistling, save Spike who can't)
Always look the bright... side of life/death!
(Spike looks around wondering why he can’t whistle)
Coltson began a softshoe routine, hoping that his dance number would convince them he was right. Scootaloo, not to be outdone, pulled a top hat and a cane (hidden by Pinkie Pie in case of ‘Put’n on the Ritz’ emergencies) and went into an elaborate tap dance routine.
Coltson (does a little jitter dance move)
Always look on the bright side of life!
Scootaloo (Does a complex tap and spin)
Always look on the bright side of death!
Spike (does a disco move)
Always look on… uh… I can’t tap dance, either
Coltson and Scootaloo
Always look on the Always look on the bright side of life/death
bright side of life/death
Life is quite absurd
And death’s the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow
Spike tilted his head as Derpy walked onto the path, dragging a wagon with a shrubbery in it. “Uh, Derpy what are you-“
“No time to talk, I have to get this to the Knights Who Say Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-PTANG. Zoom-Boing. Z'nourrwringmm!”
“…uh, ok… bye Derpy!”
All
Always look on the bright side of life/death
Always look on the bright…side of life/death
Side of life/death
Side of life/death!
"See, don't you feel better?"
"No!" Scootaloo screamed. "I don't feel better! You know what I feel? I feel... I feel..." Scootaloo whipped around, tugging on a branch and ripping it away to reveal a huddled form beside the road. Coltson instantly was on the offensive while Spike seized up in terror. "-like we are being watched!"
"Please lower every hoof and arm... I tell you now, I mean you no harm." The bundled figure shifted forward, her tiny voice nearly swallowed up by the folds of her robe. It was hard to tell just how big she was, as her hooded cloak was much too bulky and hid her form. They could only make out the tip of her muzzle, which was a blackish purple . "I ask you this, my small orange dear... what brought you forth and why are you here?"
Spike eyed the strange creature carefully. "What are you doing here?"
"Your disillusions this will not burst, I shan't answer... I asked first."
"She has a point," Scootaloo stated. “A poorly worded point, I admit, but a point nonetheless.”
Agent Coltson eyed the rhyming figure carefully. "Intel says that a zebra lives in these woods."
'That she does, tis no joke, but I am not her, simple pony folk."
"I'm not simple!" Scootaloo complained. "I'm complex!"
"Like a sheet of blank paper," Spike joked, earning a glare from the filly.
"We are looking for somepony that just arrived here," Coltson said, deciding that they could use some local help in their search."
"We're looking for a pony about this tall," Spike held up his hand as high as it could go, "purple coat, likes to read a lot instead of having fun and letting me party till 4 in the morning..."
"Hmmm, no pony like this I've seen in a week. But perhaps it is Twicora that you seek." The stranger nodded to herself and began to run along the path, calling for the others to hurry up (only, you know, in rhyming form).
"Is this smart?" Spike asked. "It doesn't feel smart."
"How could it not be smart to follow a strangely dressed creature we know nothing about through a dark enchanted forest?" When Scootaloo and Spike looked at him oddly once more Coltson sighed. "Once more, it is a-"
"RRRRRAWWWWWRRRRR!"
"Was... was that either of you?" Scootaloo said nervously, earning twin headshakes from her companions. "Yeah, I thought soooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The filly screamed as she was snatched up, her eyes going wide as the massive manticore that had pounced lifted her up in the air, his clawed paws holding her squirming body in place just above his gaping jaw. "No! No please don't eat me! I'm way too fatty and I will go straight to your hips."
"Rawr?" The manticore looked down at his rump then began to growl, flicking his head about.
"Of course I don't mean you are fat! I am just saying that you could get fat eating me!"
"Rawr rawr rawr!"
"Well yes, stick-thin ponies don't look good either but you don't want to be a bloated tub of fat."
"Rawr rawr!"
"I am not promoting a bad body image! If anything I am promoting good physical health!" Scootaloo rolled her eyes. "I swear, it is apologist like you that have led Equestria into having an obesity problem."
"Rawr rawr?"
Scootaloo shrugged. "Well, not to get too egotistical but I do think my body type is pretty good. I mean, I am physical and don't have much fat on my... aw crap."
"Rawr!" The manticore cheered in delight, thrilled he had caught the pegasus filly in a lie. He opened his mouth to gobble her up once more, saliva dripping from his fangs...
WHAP! WHAP WHAP WHAP!
The manticore stumbled a bit, Scootaloo falling on top of Coltson with an ompf. The three travelers watched as their guide leapt onto the manticore's back and struck him again on the forehead with a heavy oak staff. Her bigger, bulkier robes had been tossed aside, leaving her dressed in a much smaller cloak that let them see more of her frame.
Now visible to them, Scootaloo was surprised to find that the stranger was roughly the size of a standard Ponyville mare. Her purple tail, which was braided with bits of bark interwoven throughout the design, flicked out and caught her oak staff, which she slammed against the manticore's ear before tossing it back towards her mouth. Though it was hard to see her legs, due to her constant movement, the three of them could tell that blackish-purple stripes ran along her lighter purple legs. Her robe was held to her frame by a hemp belt, upon which hung all manner of strange gourds and bottles.
"Yah!" the strange cried out, hitting the manticore one more time on the snout. The hybrid let out a whimper and quickly returned back into the safety of the shadows, thinking to himself that it would be better to leave travelers alone from now on (better just to go to McDonalds and get a McPony with fries).
"T-thank you," Scootaloo said, stepping forward. "You... you saved my life."
"I saw you in trouble and this I knew: if I were in trouble, the same you would do. Now answer me this and be truthful, you see..." the stranger threw off her hood, "...what is it you want with me."
"TWILIGHT!" Spike and Scootaloo exclaimed in shock, staring at striped unicorn.
~MC~MC~MC~
"I ask that you forgive me please,” the stranger (who they now knew as Twicora) said. "It has been some time since I spoke Ponese."
"Ponese?" Scootaloo asked.
"What we are speaking right now," Spike said with a chest filled with pride; he was secretly thrilled that he was, for once, the holder of knowledge. "Most species speak the same language but each have different accents and structures. Griffish is more posh and formal, Caprish sounds like a blend of Griffish and Ponese with more growls and more curse words, and Zebess..." Spike rolled his hand around. “Rhyme. Though, I don’t know why this Twilight speaks it.”
"If you were from my world I’d say duh, for all know my father is the ambassador of Zebrica," Twicora said slowly. "To their culture I took too like many strays, and I adopted their wonderful life ways.”
“Wow, these are really clunky,” Spike said.
Twicora glared at him. “Through strange it be, don't be a cur... speaking in rhyme is now second na-ture." Twicore nodded to herself, ignoring the looks the others were sharing, wondering just how ‘second na-tured’ it was. "In times of good and times of strife, I've been around zebras all my life. To me you ponies are a might strange creature, especially with all I was taught by my teacher."
"Your teacher... I am assuming she isn't Princess Celestia," Spike said.
"It was that Zecora lady, wasn't it?" Scootaloo asked. When the others stared at her she shrugged. "What? She's the only zebra I know."
"That is a racist as the sky is blue... but I have to admit you are quite true." Scootaloo beamed in pleasure as Twicora turned her attention back to the fire. "A tug I felt that pulled me here, away from all that I hold dear."
"Don't worry, Miss Twicora," Coltson said. "We are working on a way to get you home."
"Though it might take a while," Spike said, leveling a cool stare at Scootaloo.
"What?" The filly said in confusion.
"I thought you were supposed to be some magical Twilight-finder... and yet we had one standing right next to you and you didn't even notice? Lame."
Scootaloo's brow furrowed. "That... wait..." She shut her eyes, murmuring to herself. "That... that isn't right." Her eyes shot open. "You aren't the Twilight I sensed!"
"But I must surely be, for your magical gift led you to me!"
Scootaloo shook her head violently, her mane flopping about. "No no no! I sense you right now, of course, but I also sense the presence from before, a presence-“
“You haven’t felt since you were a padawan?” Spike said excitedly.
“Uh…no.” Spike pouted as Scootaloo stared off into the shadows. “I feel the presence of the one that brought us to the Everfree-"
A ghastly screech, like banshees raking their nails on a chalk board while strangling a cat that was playing a kazoo filled the air.
"What was that?" Spike exclaimed.
"It sounds like Diamond Tiara trying to sing a showtune," Scootaloo said. When the others stared at her in confusion she shrugged. "Just... trust me on that one."
Twicora leapt up, her oak staff levitated in front of her by her magic. Her eyes rolled back in her head as she began to grab bottles from her cloak and spill the contents onto the wooden staff. "Fear not, good folks, it will not come near; I have something it should fear. Juice of mushroom and hair of cat, worms from deadwood and breath of bat! Listen now as I say this verse, lest you be caught in my terrible curse. Be you squirrel, bird or bass, I say this now-" Twicora slammed her staff against the ground, a ring of magic flaring up and lighting up the clearing they were in, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"
A twisting shadow lashed out at the barrier of energy, hissing in fury before darting away. Coltson lowered his potato gun (pies were only used in times of war) while Spike and Scootaloo peered into the darkness, wondering if the black terror would return.
"What... was that," Spike finally whispered.
Scootaloo gulped. "That would be the Twilight I sensed."
"Of course it was," Coltson mumbled.