Scent of Roses
Part 3
"Well... Here we are." Rainbow Dash said, as the group came to the end of the now faint trail, emerging from the forest and into a more clear area. "Guess this is the end of the road, these days. It used to go a little further. Looks like it's been grown over from not being used, though, since the army's been gone."
The ponies found themselves in a grassy field, sprawling out before them, slowly rising to a cleft that suddenly dropped vertically for maybe forty feet, beyond which the field continued again as far as the eye could see. It was covered in longer, wilder looking grass that grew taller below the cleft. Bordering the sides of the shorter grassed section of land the ponies were in, trees intermittently dotted, providing convenient shade alongside the wide open, sunny areas. It would have been a wonderful, almost picturesque, place for a picnic or an outdoor party, had the occasion not been so somber.
"Out there." Rainbow Dash walked to the very edge of the cleft and stared at the field beyond. "It was all right out there."
"What was out there?" Twilight Sparkle asked.
"This is was the base camp I was assigned to. I flew over this field a million times." Rainbow Dash said, staring out at the long grass, rippling in waves in the sun and wind, deep verdant green tipped with shimmering amber gold. "Flying out on missions... Coming back in... I knew every inch of it. We all did. I patrolled over it, flying guard duty. I shovelled snow in winter. I cleared rocks from the walkways in summer. The grass was trampled down into bare dirt, it was so busy. There were so many soldiers camped out and coming through to the front lines. Catapults and giant war machines on wheels tore up the ground and left ruts. Now it's... It's all so different. Empty. Lonely. No more war... All the grass is back. The meadow is growing again. The way it should be, I guess. The way it should have always been..."
Rainbow Dash continued walking along the top of the cleft, slowly, taking in the landscape.
She slowed down hesitantly as she came to a particular spot, and her gaze left the distance and the surrounding land. It fixed onto a circular white rock about two feet wide laying firmly planted on the earth a few feet from the cleft's edge. None of the others had even noticed it at first, resting as if it had been there since time immemorial, half hidden by being ringed with a fringe of high-growing grass. After briefly stopping in her tracks, Rainbow Dash stepped lightly, reverently, and walked to the stone. She gently pawed down some of the grass with her front hooves, revealing it to the world.
Most of the surface looked natural, like a rock straight out of the ground or a quarry, but this was contrasted by an inscription, carved in simple but dignified and elegant letters.
In Memory
Alabaster Storm
Combat Flier,
Soldier Of Equestria
Farewell
All the rest of the group walked up to the stone and read it. None of them said a word for a long time.
Finally Twilight Sparkle spoke up in a quiet voice, barely more than a whisper. "Is that... Is she... Here?"
"No. It's not a gravestone, just a memorial." Rainbow Dash said, shaking her head. "She was cremated and her ashes were sent home to her family. Pegasi soldiers don't get buried in the ground. We get burned. We rise in the smoke, back into the sky where a pegasus belongs. But we needed something to remember... So we put this stone here for her. There's others like it, too, scattered around... Mostly out there." She nodded out into the vast field beyond the cleft. "Ponies who didn't get to go home. Memorial markers like this for pegasi, and some real graves where earth ponies and unicorns are buried. This... This is the thing I was the most afraid of seeing again..."
Rainbow Dash Sat down in front of the stone and stared quietly at it.
"Guys... Gimme a minute here?" Rainbow Dash asked, voice slightly cracking, over her shoulder.
"'Course." Applejack said, then nodded at the others. Wordlessly, all of them backed away a good distance and waited.
Rainbow Dash turned to her bags and opened the one on her left. She pulled out the bundle of roses - white, alabaster white, the tiniest tinge of beige-grey - she'd bought earlier in town and dropped them on the stone.
"Roses, I know those were your favorite. I remember how you used to hang bunches of them upside down drying out in the tent, to make it smell better 'cause that camp never smelled like anything but dust and mildew." Rainbow Dash said. She bent down and inhaled deeply, taking in the scent of the fresh flowers. "You're right. They smell pretty. They always did... You always did..."
She stared at the flowers. "I still remember a lot of things like that, when we were here. Like the way you flew. I remember how you could sneak from cloud to cloud like some kinda ninja in the air. I was always a little faster but you were always more... Tactical. Trickier. Better at positioning for the advantage. I always... Envied that about you. I always wanted to be more like that, and I tried to learn, but you were always a step ahead. But you pushed me to keep up with your tricks just as much as I pushed you to try to keep up with my speed. You made me better. I never said that to you when you were alive, and I still can't believe I didn't. You made me better for having known you. I never said thanks. I wish I had." Rainbow Dash said.
She stared at the stone for a few seconds.
"I still think about it, you know." She continued. "I still think about everything... The missions we flew. And Advanced Combat Flight school... When we had to make the time metric on the flight course to graduate. You were so nervous because you thought you wouldn't be fast enough. We practiced all week until you were sure you'd nail the dive and get the speed. Run after run, diving as hard as we could. I still think about those things. I still dream about them at night. And sometimes, in my mind, I see those days like they were still happening... It's crystal clear. Even all the little things. All the conversations we had trying to pass time. All those trips into town to hit the bar and get a drink on an off-duty night. I remember every once in a while how you'd snore in the tent, and it drove me crazy even though it wasn't that loud, so I'd nudge you over onto your side to make you shut up. I don't know why I remember that so well, but I do."
"But it's a mix, you know?" She paused. "Good memories, good things... And bad things. Like the times we got hurt. That griffin that came outta nowhere and got us both pretty good. That's how I learned that stitches itch like crazy. I still have the scars... I always will, they'll always be a souvenir. I remember when you thought you broke your ankle. Just sprained, lucky you. The way you landed, it shoulda broke. You limped everywhere for a week. You had me tape it up for you to keep it stiff. Then the tape took bunches of your coat with it when we peeled it off, and you got mad 'cause it hurt like crazy and I was a jerk and I laughed about it. I couldn't help it. And... And then the worst thing of all, you know I remember that... I still don't know exactly how they found us. I just remember being ambushed and knocked to the ground, both of us. We... We never saw it coming, did we? We never figured out how we got caught. It drove me crazy, not knowing. But I don't think about it much anymore because it's not important. Not as important as the effect it had, in the end... What happened while they had us... That's the worst memory of my whole life. Knowing what that did to you."
Rainbow Dash was quiet for a long time, just staring at the stone, breathing at an even pace, slow, deliberated breaths. Her eyes watered while an expression of faint anger crossed her face.
"It's not right." Rainbow Dash said, in a suddenly loud, stern voice. She stood up. "It wasn't right, what... What they did... No pony should have had to go through it. And you couldn't take it. It killed you. And I watched. I couldn't help. I couldn't save you. I watched... I had to watch, while they killed you, inside."
Rainbow Dash was quiet and still for a moment. Her teeth were clenched tightly, her jaw muscle straining.
"I hate it!" She suddenly screamed, causing the other ponies to startle in fright at the outburst. "I still hate this whole bucking place!"
She walked to the nearest tree, a thick, ancient looking oak, and studied its trunk briefly. Then she turned around, looked back over her shoulder, aiming, and reared forward onto her front legs. She lifted her rear legs into the air and landed a vicious kick on the tree's trunk. A dull thump resounded from the impact of hooves on bark. After the blow landed, she jumped back up and kicked again, even harder, grunting. Unsatisfied, she kicked again, and again. She kept kicking over and over, with her face contorting more and more angrily as she went on. Savage wordless growls rose from her throat, breaking loose louder and louder with every harsher and harsher blow. Soon she was yelling out, at the top of her lungs, to punctuate every impact. Her eyes were filled with rage, hot and fiery. Chips of bark flaked off under her hooves and dropped to the grass.
"What on earth is she doing?" Rarity asked frightfully.
All the other ponies were silent. Most of them looked dismayed, and at a loss. Applejack, however, was staring at Rainbow Dash intently, with a growing scowl on her face. Finally, as the storm of wild kicking continued unabated, something inside her seemed to have had all it could stand. She reached up with a foreleg and swept her hat off, grabbed it with her teeth, and threw it to the ground forcefully with a toss of her head. Quickly, purposefully, she walked over to join Rainbow Dash near the oak tree. She turned her hindquarters to it, reared up, and gave it a hard kick of her own, like she was bucking apples back on the farm. Her face grew grimmer and more determined, and she bucked it again, then again. Yelling out now, like Rainbow Dash was, she kept kicking, as if she was bent on knocking the entire tree itself right out of the soil.
The two of them continued like this for several minutes, raising a fierce racket of terrible thumps, yells, and screams.
Eventually, Rainbow Dash started to tire. She was breathing heavily and sweating profusely. It looked like she was finally exhausting her legs, and like a mechanical toy winding down into motionlessness, she began to subside. Her kicks lost their power, slacking into ineffectualness. Applejack noticed and slowed down with her. The blows were weaker and weaker, fading, until finally, a minute later, she was done. One last weak, feeble but desperate kick with a single rear leg, tapping the trunk but not much more, and it was all over. Rainbow Dash and Applejack just stood motionless, for another half a minute or so. Applejack silently looked at Rainbow Dash, while Dash just stared at the ground with empty eyes, their blazing fury drained and extinguished, huffing to catch her breath.
Rainbow Dash sniffed and swallowed heavily. She looked up at Applejack, and the two locked eyes for a moment. Dash's lip quivered and her eyes started watering. Tears welled up and swelled over, breaking onto her cheeks and running down her face. Applejack walked over to Rainbow Dash and without saying anything, embraced her with her forelegs. Rainbow Dash leaned on Applejack, burying her face in her friend's shoulder, and erupted into sobs. Applejack just held her friend and let her pour it out. Rainbow Dash's body shook with ragged breathing and she cried in loud, jagged wails of pain.
Applejack and Rainbow Dash stood there alone, the other ponies standing at a distance observing the scene in a kind of saddened awe, none of them daring to make a sound.
Rainbow Dash cried for a long time before she finally began to quiet to a low, softer weeping.
"I'm guessin' it still doesn't feel any better." Applejack said at last.
"No." Rainbow Dash shook her head bitterly.
"I'm sorry. I s'pose... Sometimes ya just can't buck hard enough." Applejack said softly, caressing Rainbow Dash's head gently. "Can ya?"
"I just want her back." Rainbow Dash wept. "I'm so angry... It still hurts so much..."
"I know, Dash." Applejack comforted her. "I know."
Applejack held Rainbow Dash for a while longer. The other ponies watched until Fluttershy stepped forward, uncertainly at first, and approached the two of them. With tears in her own eyes, she walked up and embraced Rainbow Dash from the side, resting her head on the ridge of Rainbow Dash's neck. A few seconds later, Twilight Sparkle did the same, and after her, Pinkie Pie followed, then Rarity. They encircled Rainbow Dash, every pony hugging her from a different direction. Even Gilda joined in.
Nopony said a word for a long time. Nothing really could be said, they all sensed that.
At last, Rainbow Dash took a couple of deep breaths, no longer crying. She sniffed a couple times, clearing the last of her tears, and sighed as she looked around. "Thanks, guys." She said.
"No problem." Applejack said quietly.
One by one, the other ponies, and Gilda, let go of their embraces, until they were all standing in a group once again, facing each other.
Rainbow Dash started to glance back over her shoulder, but stopped herself, painfully, almost cringing, before her eyes could reach that white stone. She forced herself to look forward again, turning away from the stone, the cleft in the ground, the old encampment field beyond. She stared forward, at the path they'd come from, leading away from this place, back into town. "Can we just get out of here?" She asked, tiredly, a note of pleading caught in her voice.
"Yes." Twilight Sparkle said, all the others in silent concurrence. "Yes, good idea, I think. Let's go."
Without another word they all turned toward the path and left, heading for the way back to town.
After returning to town, it was late in the day and the group consensus was that it was high time to seek shelter for the night, something they mostly hadn't thought much about in their haste to just get here and get Gilda out of jail. They set out searching, but had some trouble for a while finding any place that would lodge all seven of them... Let alone one that would board a griffin, most of them citing their inability to accommodate her species' "special requirements" (whatever that meant), despite the pony's arguments that she was just like any of them, more or less.
The afternoon faded and the day was turning to night before they could finally harangue some accommodation from the manager of a less-than-conveniently located hotel near the edges of town - and that only after Twilight Sparkle was finally fed up and frustrated enough to flash a piece of royal correspondence and threaten to write to Celestia herself on the topic of investigating and rooting out discrimination within the Kingdom, starting with that very hotel. It worked, but even after that, what seemed like an abnormally large security deposit was requested. Too tired to press the point and argue any more, though, every pony just tossed in some extra bits to cover it.
But, at last, all that overcome, they finally settled in to their room - a large suite big enough for them all. When they saw that, their attitudes turned a little. Even given the hotel manager's reluctance and lousy treatment, they were still lucky to have found this and not be forced to split up, they had to admit.
The sticky point after getting inside was that the room had two, and only two, beds. They could probably have requested extra mattresses or cots, but they were sure they would get gouged for it, and nopony was really in the mood to give the hotel even more bits, not after the treatment so far. Some ponies were just going to endure camping out on the floor.
When an argument inevitably broke out over it, Rainbow Dash insisted that Gilda should get one of the two beds, since she was the one who'd been stuck in an uncomfortable jail cell for days.
Other than that avocation for her friend, however, Rainbow Dash had been very subdued ever since they'd returned to town. She spent most of her time staring at the ground, shuffling her hooves listlessly when she walked. Also strangely for her, she didn't even try to put in a claim to the other bed in the room, which, normally, her competitive nature would have driven her to make a grab for (Twilight Sparkle was eventually awarded it instead, by group concession that it was only fair, since she'd gotten them the room by having the brass to challenge the manager in addition to having put up the most bits out of her own pocket to cover the cost).
Dash's depressed-seeming reticence was not unnoticed by her friends, especially a blonde earth pony keeping a careful eye on her since the events of that afternoon.
Once the initial shuffle of moving into the room and unpacking saddlebags had died down and things had calmed, Applejack decided it was time to approach the issue.
"Hey... Rainbow... Do you wanna talk about what happened out there today?" She asked.
"I dunno." Rainbow Dash shook her head despondently.
"C'mon." Applejack smiled at her. "It'd make ya feel better. Don't take a genius to see that it hurt somethin' terrible. Who was that, out there?"
"Her name was Alabaster." Rainbow Dash said. "Alabaster Storm. Or Ally for short, sometimes, I guess."
"Alright... So tell us about her." Applejack continued.
Rainbow Dash just stared off at a picture hanging on the wall, a bland nondescript landscape, for a short time.
"She was... My best friend... One of my only friends... While I was out here, during the war." She finally said. "We were really close."
"And what happened to her?" Applejack asked.
Rainbow Dash just glared at Applejack, hesitant, slightly upset.
"Sorry..." Applejack apologized. "... Not ready?"
"Maybe not. Don't know if I ever will be, completely. But... Jeeze... It's been five years. If I'm not as ready as I'm gonna get by now..." Rainbow Dash shook her head. "It's just hard, I guess. I've only ever talked about this once with one other pony in all that time." Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle glanced at each other, subtly, for just a fraction of a second. None of the others noticed. Rainbow Dash decided she wouldn't elaborate as long as none of them asked. It wasn't important right now.
"Ya don't need to if ya don't wanna." Applejack said. "I understand."
"No..." Rainbow Dash said, determination setting into her face. "No, I do need to, 'cause the truth is, this is it. This is my one good chance, back here in Jennetstown again. It's not easy but I know that I have to face it. I've known from the second I found out I had to come here. Might as well get it all off my back. I'm tired of wearing this saddle. The way she died... It..." Rainbow Dash hesitated and looked around.
All the other ponies were watching her, waiting for her to speak.
Rainbow Dash suddenly felt self-conscious, being the center of attention, and about to say what she was, but she steeled herself, determined to get it out.
"She killed herself." Rainbow Dash spoke. "That's all there is to it, really. She committed suicide." She was worried that finally letting it out would make her get upset again, but it didn't. It was surprisingly easy - she was all cried out, she realized, too emotionally tired to get worked up now. All there was when she broke the long silence of those years was a sense of relief and release. It was a simple way to state things, no details, no circumstances explained, but even just to say that much felt like something finally accomplished that was long overdue, a wall finally torn down that gave her more room to breathe. She welcomed it.
"Oh... I'm so sorry, Rainbow." Applejack said. She seemed uneasy and stared down at the floor. "Had no idea..."
"It's alright, A.J." Rainbow Dash said. "It's been a long time. It doesn't sting so bad anymore."
"Still aches, though." Applejack said. "Not too hard to see that."
"Always will." Rainbow Dash nodded. "Always will..."
The room was quiet for a few moments.
Something in Applejack's face looked indecisive and contemplative, like she was deciding if, and how, to approach something she thought might be tricky. She opened her mouth to start to speak, a couple of times, but each time closed it again and rethought, cocking her head at slight angles, ponderingly.
"Ya loved her, didn't ya?" She finally just asked, directly, but gently, in a soft voice. "I mean, I could be buckin' the wrong apple tree, there, but it just feels like..."
Rainbow Dash's sighed, her turn to ponder an answer. "Yeah." She nodded, after a delay. "Yeah, I did. I guess I never... Never really said it, before... 'Cause maybe I didn't really think of it like that myself, at the time. But now that you ask... Yes. Not in the 'special somepony' kind of way, if that's what you're asking, but yes, I loved her. Like family. Like a sister, like twins, I guess. That's what she felt like to me."
"I understand ya." Applejack nodded. "I got Applebloom and Big Mac, and... Yeah, I know the way you mean. With family, you don't always realize all the time how much you love 'em, you just... Do. There's nothin' I could love more than them."
"Maybe. That's how you could say it... It's hard to explain, exactly..." Rainbow Dash thought for a minute. "I guess what is was mostly about was that... We shared things, Applejack. Things we went through together... I mean, I love you guys, too, with everything I've got, and we share a lot, but... But not always in the same ways. We're all different ponies, you know? There's just things we can't understand about each other in the same way that me and Alabaster did. We met in basic training. We went through that together 'cause we enlisted at the same time. That was just random chance, but that's how it started... And the rest is history. We went through our Combat Flight schools together. We trained and we qualified together. We went out to the front together, fought together, flew missions together. We watched each others backs, we took care of each other, we lived together, we worked together... Everything. We both went through that war. It's the kind of thing that most ponies can't understand 'cause they haven't been there and done it, but we did it together. We went through this living hell, and we were still really just kinda kids when we showed up, and in a lot of ways we grew up side by side, by doing that. After you've done that with somepony, you know them and they know you inside and out. And... And I can't explain how much it hurts to lose somepony that close to you. I just can't. There's no word I know for how it feels, Applejack... For how it feels to have to go through the rest of your life without somepony that feels like they're a part of you."
"Guess you're right, Dash." Applejack nodded. "I lost my parents, and there's just no way I found yet to say what that really feels like. And I couldn't imagine losing my brother or sister. Not in a million years."
"I couldn't either, before it happened." Rainbow Dash said. "When she died, a piece of me died. It burned up in the flames when she was cremated. Sometimes it feels like a big piece. There's nothing that can ever fill it in or replace it. You try to put it behind you, you keep living your life, and little by little you don't think about it so much anymore... You let go of the conscious sense of pain and you start to feel normal again. But it can never completely be the same as it was before... Something's gone that you'll never get back. And it's little things... Just knowing that we'll never lie down next to each other and preen each others wing feathers at the end of a rough day, when they were all ruffled up and out of shape, like we used to do. It's something so simple, but there was a lot of trust and connection, in it... Even just those little things. Especially those little things. When somepony like that is gone forever... There'll always be a hole in my heart. Always."
There was a silence in the room.
"Dashie, you big jerk!" Pinkie Pie suddenly burst out loudly. All the heads in the room suddenly swung over to her, in surprise. She was standing, glaring at Rainbow Dash with a mix of anger and pain shining in her eyes.
Rainbow Dash looked confused by the outburst. "Pinkie... What...?"
"Why didn't you ever tell us?" Pinkie Pie demanded. "I mean, jeeze Dashie, five years... Five years! I mean, we knew it was tough for you when you first came home but then we thought you got better. You were still hurting like this all this time and you never came to us, you just let us think you were doing alright? You never talked about it? You just kept it inside, all alone! Why? We're your friends!"
"I... I don't know, Pinkie..." Rainbow Dash began hesitantly. "I'm sorry... I just didn't... I don't know... I didn't wanna put that weight on you guys..." Her voice was cracking.
"We could have helped, Dashie!" Pinkie Pie said. "I mean, I know some stuff is secret 'cause it's embarrassing or it hurts or whatever but sometimes, when something's really serious... I mean, REALLY serious, like having your friend die... You can't carry everything alone all the time! You just can't! And I know maybe it wasn't something easy but we're not weak, Dashie. We all got chosen to be elements of harmony just like you did and there's a reason for it! All of us can take it. You shoulda just let us in." Tears were streaming down her face. "We could have helped..." She sat down on the floor in front of Rainbow Dash and hugged her tightly. "We could have helped..." She sobbed weakly.
Rainbow Dash teared up, looking remorseful. "Oh, Pinkie..." She closed her eyes and returned the hug.
"You scared me so much today." Pinkie Pie cried into Dash's shoulder.
"I didn't mean to." Rainbow Dash spoke quietly into Pinkie Pie's ear. "I'm sorry. I never thought you were weak. I just didn't want any of you to have to see the bad things that happened out here. All the things that happened in the war, you know? They just hurt so much... I didn't want any of you to get hurt by them, too. I just wanted to protect you all. I'm sorry... I'm sorry."
Another few moments of emotional embrace, and Pinkie Pie slowly let go of Rainbow Dash, composing herself, and stood back up in front her. She looked over at Rainbow Dash's right wing for a second, then, to Dash's surprise, grabbed it gently with her mouth and pulled it open.
"Hey, whoa!" Dash protested. "Excuse you, Pinkie! Ever heard of personal -"
"Hold still. You got some feathers out of place, silly filly." Pinkie Pie said, interrupting her.
"Huh? No I..." Rainbow Dash began. She stopped herself. She stared at Pinkie Pie, and Pinkie Pie stared back at her, and all Rainbow Dash could see in her big blue eyes was a pleading sadness. "... Well... Yeah. Yeah, I guess I do." Rainbow Dash reevaluated, glancing back at her wing. She left it open in front of Pinkie Pie.
Pinkie Pie muzzled Rainbow Dash's wing, trying to push the primary and secondary feathers around in a clumsy way. She ruffled them a little, but otherwise didn't accomplish a lot. She looked slightly confused and uncertain.
"Most pegasi use their teeth as a comb to preen with." Rainbow Dash gently clued her in. "We start at the base of each feather, work outward... I try to just smooth it up and close any breaks in the surfaces."
"Alright." Pinkie Pie nodded, gaining a look of determination. "I've watched you like a million times... I think I can get this..."
Pinkie Pie worked on it for a while. She made Rainbow Dash wince a few times, pulling feathers a little too hard now and then. It was obvious that it was her first time, but Rainbow Dash forgave her. She knew it wasn't easy when you don't have your own wings to practice on, and besides, she couldn't help but feel unbelievably grateful for such a friend and moved that Pinkie Pie was trying her best. It was so sweet of her that Dash had no will to even try to stop it.
The other ponies and Gilda watched the two of them for a couple minutes.
"If ya don't mind me asking... Do you know why she did it?" Applejack asked, eventually breaking the silence.
"Lot of different reasons, I guess." Rainbow Dash sighed. "Stress. Guilt. Shame. Pressure. Maybe the pressure most of all. I don't really know, but if I had to guess, I'd say that. It just... The way it just ate her away from the inside out, after it happened."
"After what?" Applejack asked.
"She was with me when I got caught by the griffins." Rainbow Dash said. "I told you all about that... But... I left that out. I didn't tell you that there was another pony with me at the same time. Alabaster got captured, too. She got the worst of it. They tortured her.. The stuff they did was horrible. I don't even wanna talk about it, it was so bad. They made me watch. Three days, Applejack. Three days we were there, before we got rescued. And by then, it was too late for her. She wasn't in that bad of a condition, physically, but in her mind, she was hurt so bad that she couldn't recover. She couldn't get over it. It kept hurting her. Her personality just totally changed. She was in a lot of pain... And she was so scared, every day. Every time we had to fly again. I tried to help but I couldn't. She needed the kind of help I didn't know how to give her, and she never got it. She kept it inside. She never talked to anypony about it. It was killing her but she just... Kept trying to deal with it on her own. And it didn't work. It broke her down. Eventually she just couldn't take the pain anymore. I guess she was trying to deal with it the only way she felt like she had left that she could resort to. I guess that's why she did it."
"That's so sad..." Fluttershy said glumly.
"Why didn't she just get the help she needed? I mean, it's there, ain't it?" Applejack asked.
"Yeah. It's there, Applejack." Rainbow Dash said. "But it's not... I dunno how to explain it, exactly. It was just... Different for us. Especially at a time like that. It sounds easy to just say she shoulda gotten help but it's not easy to actually do at the time. It's not easy at all when it screws with your pride and your idea about what you're supposed to be. Being a Combat Flier, and a pegasus, and... I dunno, Applejack. I don't know what it's like for earth ponies or for unicorns. I wasn't raised on the ground with them. I was raised in Cloudsdale. Me and Alabaster both. We grew up hearing the stories about the old cloud empire. The old pegasus warriors. They're still admired up there. They're role models, they're heroes - at least that's what's implied. No pony just comes out and encourages being a soldier anymore and it's not really spoken in so many words that you need to try and be like them but it's understood that it'll make everypony proud of you if you do. There's still a warrior culture there, left over, and some of us still get into it. We still feel the pressure from it because we put in on ourselves - we decide it's what we want and we try to live up to these... These heroes... I guess we try to be them. We feel like it's our responsibility. We feel like we're the ones who carry the weight of Equestria's safety. We want to make it so that everypony can live a good life and not have to ever see a war themselves."
Rainbow Dash thought for a second. "I remember when I was talking to my parents just before I joined. When I told them I was thinking about it, they were so scared. They kinda didn't want me to, and I could tell, but they didn't try to stop me. They let me choose for myself, and after the contract was signed and I was enlisted, they were so ridiculously proud of me. They were so happy for me because I was so excited to really get to be a hero myself. Instead of me looking up to them, I suddenly felt like they looked up to me. My mom got all emotional and spent like fifteen minutes hugging and kissing me when I told her the news. My dad even told me he wished he had my courage. They were... They were so proud... It was amazing. I knew that whatever I decided they'd always be proud of me, but after that, it was something even more. There was this huge admiration in their eyes, and they were proud of me in this kind of way I'd never even imagined. I didn't want to let them down on that. That felt like the worst thing that could ever happen."
"That sounds like what happened with my brother." Twilight Sparkle said. "How everypony looked at him when he was leaving for duty in the guard. What you're saying is really hitting home for me, too. I'm sorry I never really gave it that much thought before now. I didn't consider there might be a downside to it."
"What about yourself? When you left to be Celestia's student?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"That was a bit different." Twilight said. "I was just a little filly. I still got to see my parents a lot of the time, and it wasn't like it was dangerous to be a student. But yes, you're right. I guess it's true there, too. I knew I was making my family proud. Even if they're not trying to put any pressure on you on purpose, just wanting to be something great in the eyes of the ponies you love makes its own pressure. That's definitely part of why I studied as much as I did for so long and so hard."
"Exactly." Rainbow Dash nodded. "That's what got to Alabaster and some other ponies the most. I know, because her family was just as supporting and loved her just as much as my family did for me. She wanted to be perfect, for them, 'cause she loved them... 'Cause she wanted to protect them... She wanted to be able to go home a hero. At the very least, a good soldier who stuck it out to the end with honor. She couldn't stand the thought of being anything... Less. Throwing it in and admitting needing help - I think she felt like she couldn't do it because she thought it was her fault, somehow. Getting captured by those griffins, I mean, and all the fallout that came from it after. I think she felt like there was something wrong with her for this to happen, and the only way to prove herself and get back what she felt like she'd lost was to tough it out on her own. I know how she felt, because I did the same thing, out there after she died and when I first came home, and about some things even for a long time after that. She couldn't let herself face the shame of what she thought of as quitting. So she just tried to keep soldiering up and kept it inside. It hurt so much, but there comes a point where you're less afraid of the pain than of thinking you're letting down the ponies you care about. You're less afraid of dying than of that, because you know that everypony you love is depending on you to be strong. So you just keep your mouth shut and try to deal with it the best you can on your own. That's the price she - we - paid. She paid worse than me. It broke her. It cost her everything."
"I've always been grateful that there's ponies that feel a sense a' duty." Applejack said. "'Cause I know we need 'em. But now that I hear it from you, I'm sorry for what it did to her. I get what you're sayin'. I suppose... I never thought about it that way. I admit it, I never really stopped to think about how what they do can hurt ponies in the service that way, inside. It's too easy sometimes t' forget that they're just like the rest of us. Guess it's hard to see sometimes under the armor and such."
"Yeah. Somepony has to do it." Rainbow Dash nodded. "But that price is there to pay and I guess that's just part of the deal sometimes. It's just... I dunno... Shouldn't have had to be that way for her... Didn't need to be. Nopony would have thought any less. Nopony would have loved her any less. Didn't have to end like this..." She shook her head and trailed off.
The silence in the room when she stopped talking hit Rainbow Dash. She realized that the attention of every pony (and griffin) in the room was all latched intently onto her, hanging on her words. Pinkie Pie was still laying on the floor by her side, half working on preening, half absorbed in what Dash was saying.
Rainbow Dash was suddenly self-conscious, feeling like she was monopolizing the room, bringing everypony down with her going on about her dead friend. "I'm... Sorry to talk so much." She mumbled.
"Naw, that's alright." Applejack smiled at her. "Shoot, let it out, this trip's about you, sugarcube. We're just here to help. Now I know why Twilight wanted us all to come. Believe me, I know it ain't easy, wantin' to look after everypony... Tryin' not to let anypony down... I had my own little problem with that, didn't I? Pinkie said it best - can't always carry everything alone. I know how important it is to just talk about it instead a' trying to cover it up with a front."
"Yeah. You're right. Took me long enough to figure it out." Rainbow Dash said sardonically, with a slight laugh. "Guess you won that race, A.J."
"Aww, it's alright. Yours is a little bit bigger of a deal than just not winnin' some rodeo." Applejack shook her head. "And, uh... I just wanna say, I'm proud of ya, Rainbow. I'm proud ta have a friend like you."
"As am I." Rarity declared with a smiling nod.
"Me too." Twilight Sparkle added.
"And me, also." Fluttershy agreed softly.
"You're the best friend I ever had, Dash." Gilda tossed in. "On top of being the baddest pegasus I know. I'm proud of knowing you."
Pinkie Pie finally let Dash's wing go and stepped back a little to look at it. "Is it okay? Did I do alright?" She asked anxiously, biting her lip.
"It's just fine, Pinkie." Rainbow Dash looked at her wing briefly, and turned to Pinkie Pie. She smiled warmly. "It's perfect. Thanks."
"Aww, hey... That's what friends are for, Dashie." Pinkie Pie said, smiling widely. "And don't you forget it!" She gave Rainbow Dash a quick nuzzle on the cheek. "And I'm proud of you too."
"I won't forget, Pinkie." Rainbow Dash said quietly. "Never again. I promise."
"Pinkie promise?" Pinkie Pie prompted her.
Rainbow Dash raised her right fore hoof. "Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye." She recited. "... Although I don't think I should have to say the hope to fly part..." She grinned briefly and fluttered her wings just slightly for emphasis. Pinkie Pie smiled back at that, and Rainbow Dash was relieved to see her mood lighten a little.
"Well..." Applejack yawned. "How 'bout we get some shuteye now? We still gotta spend another whole day in this town tomorrow before we can leave."
"I'm all for that." Gilda piped up. "Gotta admit, it's been a heckuva day, Dash. Probably gonna be another long one tomorrow, too, with the train not leaving 'till pretty late."
"Yeah." Rainbow Dash nodded. "I guess so."
No pony had any protest against getting some sleep, by that point. The ponies all said goodnight, then went around and started turning off the lights, subduing the room into darkness and slumber.