//------------------------------// // Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate: Chapter 18 Pinkie Vs. Mess // Story: The Wheel and the Butterfly A Dan X Pinkie Pie Saga // by Justice3442 //------------------------------// The Wheel and the Butterfly A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate Chapter 18 Pinkie Vs. Mess -oooooo- Dan uttered a few groggy grumbles as he slowly rose from bed, rubbing the sleep from his eyes, clad in nothing but his white with red stripes boxers. He glanced to the other side of the bed to find it empty. It took him a few seconds in his sleepy haze to remember he had the mattress (now reassembled into a bed) all to himself once more. The bed was pretty small by basically any metric, so having more than a few feet of space was certainly nice. Though, weeks of sharing the mattress with someone suddenly coming to an end left him with a vague sense of emptiness he had no desire to dwell on and even less to talk over with anyone. Especially not… … Dan peered through the open bedroom door into the living room, seeing a blanket neatly draped over the couch. Now where is… Dan had time to turn and little else as the bathroom door flew open and the pink blur of his roommate was on top of him and enveloping him in a crushing embrace. Definitely going to miss her not having a running start each morning/afternoon to do that… Pinkie released her embrace and held herself up, her pink pajama clad arms and legs now straddling her roommate. “Did you miss me?” she asked, fluttering her eyelashes. “No!” Dan answered grumpily.  “Daaaaaaaan~,” Pinkie cooed. “You know what happens to liars in this apartment.” Pinkie fixed her roommate with a playful grin, “Don’t you?” Dan met her playful grin with a glare. “Don’t you dare!” Pinkie’s hand’s curled and her fingertips found Dan’s bare sides. “No! Stop!” Dan pleaded. “Mercy is for the weak, Dan.” Pinkie said, adding some fake gruffness to her voice. Rapidly, but lightly, she began running her fingertips over Dan’s sides. “NO!..hehe…stop…hahaha…no!..not…giggle…there…” Dan feebly attempted to get Pinkie off of him or restrain her hands. He was at a distinct tactical disadvantage given she already had him pinned down and also had several inches on him to begin with. “That’s right!” Pinkie declared, grinning wickedly at her hapless victim. “Liars get tickle tortured!”  Pinkie doubled down on the tickling intensity, reducing her roommate to little more than a frantic squirming mass of laughter and tears. Through the unrelenting onslaught of frantic finger brushes, Dan found enough strength to raise his torso and leverage enough weight to push his roommate neatly to the side of the bed, roughly pushing himself off the bed in the process. Dan hit the floor with a resounding thud. Pinkie cautiously poked her head over the side of the bed and put on a pained expression, “Sorry, Dan…” She offered. Dan was up on his feet in an instant leveling an angry finger at his roommate, though angry snarls ended up filling in for a coherent sentence. Pinkie scooted back a few inches and met Dan’s enraged look with a concerned and apologetic one. Dan threw his hands up in frustration and trudged over to his giant pile of blue-jeans, pulling a pair up over his bare legs and boxers. She needs like a…sign…or signal or anything for when she’s going to be all hyper, and bubbly, and touchy! ...Which I guess is pretty much every day… Pinkie hesitated to say something given she was at least, temporarily, in Dan’s bad books. The urge to improve her roommate’s habits got the better of her. “Uh, Dan…shouldn’t you…you know…shower before getting dressed…and maybe swap out articles of clothing?”  She asked with a big smile, fluttering her eyelashes a couple times. “Why?  I’m just going to get dirty again,” Dan countered, hunting for a pair of socks on his floor that looked clean enough not to give him some sort of horrible foot fungus. …Again. “Well…” Pinkie began, “maybe it’s more for the people who have…Imean get to be around you?” she added hopefully. “You mean all the people I hate?” Dan responded. Pinkie frowned, hoping she was somehow exempt from that list that, in all likelihood, contained close to the entire planet’s population and probably a few aliens Dan still had a bone to pick with. Dan grabbed a wrinkled shirt off his dresser and put it on. “Dan! Is that the same shirt you wore yesterday…and the day before that?” “It’s fine!” Dan insisted, stepping over to his roommate. “Here, smell.” Pinkie plugged her nose with her thumb and forefinger. “I did! From over there!” she responded nasally. Dan made a frustrated grunt and took the shirt off, throwing it into a black pile of “JERK” shirts. He then fetched a shirt out of the same pile and put it on. “Better?” He asked with an irritated expression. Pinkie frowned slightly. “Don’t you have any that are…clean?” “What! It’s clean!” Dan insisted. “Look, I know your sex hasn’t evolved enough to get past binary levels of sanitation, but we men have discovered there are many levels and degrees to cleanliness.” Dan said holding an informative index finger up. Pinkie’s frown slowly crawled across her face, encouraging her eyes and brow to join it. I need to develop my Pinkie sense to warn me when Dan is going to be grumpy and irritable, or something… Which I guess is pretty much every day… Pinkie suddenly glanced up at the ceiling. Hmmm…Pinkie sense… Pinkie looked up as she heard the jingling of keys. Dan placed his keys and wallet in his pockets and headed for the door to the apartment. “Wait! Dan, where are you going?” Pinkie asked. “Out,” Dan said flatly. “Oooh, can I--” Dan quickly opened the door and left the apartment, slamming the door behind him. 'SLAM!' "--come?” Pinkie sighed. I guess having a funderful day with my favorite roommate in the whole-wide-world will just have to take a rain check. Ooh! “Funderful”…I’ll have to write that one down… Now, about that Pinkie sense… That tingling sensation before the fort went all crashy last night…that must have been my tail twitching… Pinkie craned her neck and attempted to inspect her tailless rear.   And my knees got pinchy when I first arrived on this world…though I guess I was too distracted with the new body to notice… Pinkie set aside attempting to ascertain the new signals her super-natural senses had shifted to in favor of surveying Dan’s messy room. The floor was more dirty clothing than carpet at this point, and what was under the layer of clothing could probably use a good washing as well. Hmmm…Well, if Dan is going to be out, I could probably take this opportunity to clean this place. I mean…I keep tripping over stuff on the way to my closet. Either static electricity is going to turn this mess sentient or I’m simply going to get stuck in a pit of it and die surrounded by Dan’s dirty laundry. As amusing as the thought of having some sort of pet created out of clutter was, the horrifying and more likely thought of passing out from the stench of a soiled t-shirt mountain then ending up entombed in it filled Pinkie with a newfound desire to clean Dan’s room and the rest of the apartment. -ooooooo- Dan trudged up the stairs of Casa Paradisio, grumbling to himself. “Okay, Burgerphile getting my order wrong, again, was bad enough, but seriously ..? It’s a crime to fill a Super-Soaker full of tabasco sauce and fire it at mouthy middle schoolers? It wasn’t even the habanero! What kind of fascist police state is California turning into?” - Pinkie smiled as she finished frosting her chocolate cake. In between walking to the Laundromat and waiting for things to wash or dry, she had found time to do some baking. She even took the time to make a half a dozen lactose-free chocolate cupcakes for Dan. Pinkie glanced at the cupcakes. Maybe those will cheer Dan up! Pinkie picked up her finished chocolate cake and brought it towards the fridge. Whoa! Pinkie paused as a series of sensations washed over her… Ear flop…or wiggle…they don’t really flop, do they? Er…eye flutter, knee twitch…another ear wiggle? That doesn’t… The apartment door flung open. Pinkie’s world quickly went brown followed shortly by black. Ahhh... 'Watch out for opening doors.' AND 'You’re about to need a bath.' Dan paused. Huh, the door doesn’t usually stop like that…or make a 'splat' sound. Dan closed the door to reveal his roommate wearing a fashionable chocolate cake mask complete with metal platter. The platter fell and clattered on the floor, followed by most of the cake which exploded as it impacted the ground. “Seriously? All over the door, floor, and my clothes? Nice one Pinkie.” Pinkie wiped away a thick layer of frosting and cake from her eyes and leveled piercing blue eyes set to ‘kill’ at Dan. Dan wiped a finger full of frosting and cake from Pinkie’s cheek and put it up towards his mouth... … “Does this have milk in it?” “…Why don’t you try it and find out for yourself?” Pinkie said irritably. “Ulch, that’s a ‘yes’.”  Dan wiped the mass of cake on the nearby, previously spotless, fridge. “Hey!” Pinkie protested. Dan punted a mass of cake across the room. It sailed messily over the couch and splatted against the wall on the other side. Pinkie’s chocolate caked jaw dropped and her eye twitched. A mental counter suddenly ratcheted up to 5 in her brain. “Wha…why?” She stammered out. Dan leveled an accusatory finger at her. “You were going to let me poison myself!” “Well…” Pinkie glanced to the side, the side of her mouth likewise following suit. “…Okay, but I would have felt bad about it afterwards,” she assured. “Besides, you could have pointed that out without messing up the living room.” “I’m not sure that I could,” Dan disputed with closed eyes and folded arms. Pinkie grumbled a few unpleasant things under her breath and grabbed a kitchen towel to clean her face. She looked down at her white and red striped, chocolate covered shirt and pouted. “Are these poisoned as well?” Dan said, pointing at the chocolate cupcakes. Pinkie looked up from her chocolate stained shirt with an angry frown, considering lying to Dan as passive aggressive payback for his Danness. Her conscious got the better of her. “…No,” she answered. Dan eyed her suspiciously, grabbed a cupcake, and took a bite. “Hmmm… this is really good.” Pinkie took a few calming breaths. “…Glad you like them.” SPLAT   7 “DAN!? WHAT IN TARTARUS?!” Pinkie screamed shrilly, examining the cupcake Dan just threw at a window. “THAT’S for hesitating.” Dan answered, picking up another cupcake and biting into it. “Grrrrr…Dan, WAIT! At least take off your shoes! I just…scrubbed…the…carpets…” Pinkie buried her face in a palm as Dan tracked chocolate and dirt across the apartment. “WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY ROOM?!” Dan demanded from the bedroom. Pinkie sighed and walked into the bedroom. “I cleaned it, and your clothes.” “You RUINED my system!” “Your system was a pile of jeans, a pile of shirts, and socks and underwear strewn across the floor.” “MAYBE to the untrained, female, eye! But I had everything carefully laid out in order from cleanest to dirtiest.” Dan insisted angrily. “Well, now everything is clean, and in your dresser, so what’s it matter?” Pinkie asked, frustration having already taken up all the space on her face but finding more on the rest of her body. Dan narrowed his eyes and lobbed the cupcake he was holding at the bedroom closet full of pink, blue, and yellow clothes. 14 “GHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” “You really need to work on that temper or yours,” Dan said, taking off his chocolate splattered shirt and jeans and unceremoniously dropping both to the floor. Pinkie took several short, shallow breaths as Dan fished out a clean top and jeans out of his dresser. Dan quickly got dressed, including his still chocolate covered shoes, and made his way back towards the living room. 16 “Dan, couldn’t you at least have put those on in the kitchen.” “What? And get chocolate on them?” Rage, confusion, and coherence struggled for control of Pinkie’s vocal cords. “I…I…just…but…you…” Coherence was whisked away to the emergency room in critical condition. Dan grabbed the rest of the cupcakes. “Well, I think I’ll head out again. I’ve still got about a pint or more of hot sauce in my Super Soaker, and I need to figure out what to do with it. And besides,” Dan motioned to the chocolate sprayed and splattered apartment, “looks like you have some cleaning to do.” Pinkie face contorted as anger pulled it in several directions at once. Her mouth hung open angrily, but Pinkie was having trouble vocalizing anything at this point. “Toodles!” Dan said cheerfully, waving as he closed the door behind him. Pinkie stood in place for a few seconds, her face still twisted in fury. With a heavy sigh, Pinkie hung her head and slouched her shoulders. She looked up to survey the damage. The main mess is in the kitchen, of course. Dan’s kick has left a trail over the couch, meaning both it and my blankets need to be cleaned if I don’t want to sleep in chocolate tonight…Wait, that actually sounds kinda awesome… Pinkie smacked her forehead a few times. …NO, NO, NO! You’re trying to clean the apartment, not make it worse… Pinkie sighed. Cupcake on the window. Pinkie sighed deeper. Cupcake in my closet… Chocolate on the shirt and jean-shorts I’m STILL wearing…Maybe I should call Elise up and see if she can take me clothes shopping later. I’m not sure if Dan can survive 16 stab wounds… The door flew open again, a chocolate cupcake sailing through it and hitting the landline telephone. “And THAT’S just to keep you on your toes!” Dan announced, quickly closing the door behind him. 20 “GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” -ooooo- Pinkie looked over her freshly frosted chocolate cake and smiled. Alternating cleaning and baking was tiring and she nearly dumped a cup of carpet cleaner into the batter at one point, but it felt good to have the place clean again and to finally get to have some cake. She took the slightly chocolate covered apron off and placed it neatly on the counter, her pink dress with blue and yellow balloons having escaped baking and Dan unscathed. Pinkie felt a series of tingles, wiggles, and flutters. Ear wiggle, eye flutter, knee twitch…twitchy…rear? Pinkie backed up just as the door swung open, narrowly missing her. “Dan! Welcome back! Please don’t throw anymore cupcakes!” Pinkie pleaded, cupping her hands under her chin. Dan shrugged. “Ate ‘em.” He closed the door behind him and surveyed the apartment. “Heeeeeey! Looking good! You’ve really outdone yourself.” Pinkie smiled. “Thanks! It took a lot of scrubbing but…” “You didn’t by chance make more of those lactose-free chocolate cupcakes?” “No, but the fridge is full of…” SPLAT Forgot about the twitchy…hindquarters? 27 “OH, COME ON!” Pinkie screamed, her chocolate cake now getting rather intimate with her socks and the floor beneath them. “And THAT’S for only selfishly thinking about yourself!” Dan said as he grabbed a kitchen towel to wipe the chocolate off his hand. Pinkie’s face turned red, and Dan was sure he heard a kettle start to boil… Pinkie mustered the last of her will to calmly ask, “Dan, can you please go outside for a minute?” “Fiiiine,” Dan said. “Left something in the car, anyways…” Dan returned outside. Pinkie quickly removed her socks and toweled off her feet. She fetched her pink laptop bag. Setting it down on the counter, she pulled her smart phone out of it and pressed the screen a few times. “Hey, Pinkie,” a feminine voice answered. “Hi, Elise!” Pinkie said excitedly. “So ummm…I know it’s a little late but…errrr…could you maybe…swing by…” “What he do?” Elise asked flatly. Pinkie sighed before she continued, “That obvious, huh?” “Well, you are living with Dan.” Elise responded. “…Yeah…Okay, he sort of got chocolate everywhere…including my clothes…like…almost all of them…also he destroyed a cake…two if we count accidents.” Elise whistled into the phone, then asked, “What’s he up to?” Pinkie sighed again ans answered, “27.” “Ouch…does he know?” “No…I kinda hoped I could get through the night without threatening him with bodily harm and likely death.” Elise chuckled. “Alright, tell you what. I’ll be right over. We’ll go shopping, grab some dinner, and even catch a movie. How’s that sound?” “That sounds like a splendiferous evening of awesome fun times! Way better than spending it in jail or figuring out how to dispose of a body.” There was a pause on the other line “…You KNOW I just happen to have a body bag or two out back and a number of cleanup kits specifically designed for…” “So! See you soon?” Pinkie interrupted with a worried smile on her face. “Sure Pinkie! I’ll be right over.” “Great! Bye-Bye, Elsie!” “Bye.” Pinkie paused as she felt her ears wiggle. Oh no… Dan kicked the door open and leveled a Super Soaker directly at Pinkie, shooting her between the eyes with a red stream of hot sauce. “Now, be honest with me. Does that seem hot enough to be labeled ‘felony worthy’?” Dan asked. Pinkie wiped away tabasco sauce from her eyes and leveled piercing sky-blue eyes set to ‘disintegrate’ at Dan. “WELL?!” Dan asked impatiently. “37,” Pinkie said simply. Dan’s expression shifted from impatience to surprise to fear. Uh-oh... If she uttering a random number it can only mean on thing... Dan gulped, “That bad?” He was never quite sure if Pinkie would really inflict multiple stab-wounds on his personage, but by the time she suggested it as an option she was usually managing faces of rage that made Dan’s best rage faces look like he was just asked to kitten sit in comparison. “Let’s see…I’ve cleaned the apartment TWICE, not to mention all your clothes! I even made you cupcakes! And you squashed a cake on me without so much as an apology, destroyed another one out of spite, threw cupcakes…ONE AT MY CLOSET, and you just drenched me and one of the few non-chocolate covered articles of clothing I had left with hot sauce…” Pinkie licked the hot sauce from around her lips. “…Yeah, this is pretty mild. I’m not sure what the fuss is about.” “That’s what I sa--” “DON’T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!” Pinkie roared. Dan refocused his attention on Pinkie and went quiet. “NOW! Elise will be here any minute to take me out. Possibly with a body bag and some sort of international spy murder clean up kit. I’m going to shower and change into what’s probably my LAST set of clean clothes and go out with her.” Pinkie leveled an index finger at Dan. “You are going to clean up this cake, take a shower, change into something clean, brush your teeth, and make me a NEW cake by the time I get back…OR ELSE.”  To make her point, Pinkie grabbed the chief’s knife from her bag, unsheathed it, and tossed it on the countertop in one swift movement. The knife tip stuck in the counter and swung back and forth like a metronome, if a metronome was sharp and could be used to stab your roommate 37 times. “SAVVY?!” Pinkie screeched. “Uh…savvy…” Dan responded. He tentatively raised an index finger. “Just one thing…I’m not sure I can bake…” Pinkie shoved an open recipe book in front of Dan’s face. Dan used his finger to slowly lower the book enough to meet his roommate’s death glare… “Er…this has milk, how am I…” “FIGURE IT OUT!” Pinkie angrily dropped the open book on the counter, grabbed her knife, sheathed it, returned it to the bag, stormed off towards the bedroom, picked out some jeans, white button up shirt and vest from the closet, taking care to hold them away from any hot sauce, walked out the bedroom into the bathroom, and slammed the door after her. Dan quickly grabbed his smartphone out of his pocket and pushed the screen a couple times. “Dan!” Elise answered cheerfully, “Did you mean to dial Chris or the hospital?” “Haha,” Dan said sarcastically, “Have you left yet?” “I was just about to walk out the door.” Elise responded. “Great, bring Chris and leave him here with me when you come to pick up Pinkie.” “Ooooooh, well…that depends. Is this vengeance related, or ‘I don’t want to be stabbed 27 times’ related?” Elise asked. “The latter…and I’m up to 37.” “Wow! That’s a record! And you got 10 more in the two minutes since I got off the phone with Pinkie. That’s got to be some sort of speed record.” “Can I have Chris, or do I need to take him?” Dan asked. “Alright Dan. I’ll get him. But I want you to know I’m only doing this for Pinkie…specifically because I find her objectively terrifying when she’s this angry.” “I know, right? It’s like under all the cotton candy and rainbows there beats the heart of a psychotic serial killer.” “Well Dan, you do tend to bring out the worse in people.” Dan went silent.  “Dan?” Elise asked with a touch of concern. “Nothing. Bring Chris…and please leave the body bag and clean-up kits at home.” “’Yes’, and ‘I’ll strongly consider it.’ respectively,” Elise responded. “…Good enough.” Dan terminated the call. Dan sighed, looking at the open recipe book and hoped that despite his lactose intolerance and Chris’s complete incompetence at everything, the two of them could make one decent baker.