June 20th, 1001 CR*
Well, I’d better start this thing off by introducing myself.
My name is Copper Hand, I’m 6’ 1”, short brown hair, stubble, dark orange eyes and average build. I was born in Trottingham to Mr and Mrs Hand. Yeah, not the most amazing name I know, but apparently it belonged to my great-add as many greats as you can be fucked with here- grandfather.
The reason why I’m writing these stupid entries is because mother insists it’s a great way to express my feelings and remember the highlights of my job.
Hah!
I’ve only been here two days and I'm already regretting this! The only bloody reason I took the bloody job is because mother wouldn’t shut up about how my older brother, Golden Hand, looked in his Manehatten guard armor.
‘Oh he’s so handsome, all the girls love a man in uniform…’
Fuck. Off.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I love women. I love their smiles, their hair, their personalities… and have you ever seen anything more finer than a woman’s arse?
Sorry, getting off topic… and ignore the drool spot. Now, where was I?
Oh that’s right, I didn’t even want to be a bloody guard! I was quite content being a baker. Seriously, the food smells great, the customers aren’t bitchy and are generally nice people, and, at the end of the day, you got to eat the leftover food.
But I guess it was worth it to become a guard, just to see Golden’s face when I told him I had gotten into the Canterlot garrison… it was b-e-a-utiful.
I’m getting off-topic again. Like I said, mother suggested I keep these entries, and I guess I might as well. Would be a good way to vent alongside the cider and smokes.
Like I said, it’s two days in and I’m already regretting it. All I’ve done these past couple of days is stand in a corridor and try to look like I hold some form of importance.
Yeah, real difference I’m making to the Kingdom mother!
I shouldn’t complain too much, I suppose. Tomorrow is when I get my first proper assignment. I’m going to be part of the guard that escorts the princess herself to Ponyville for that Summer Sun celebration she does.
Suck it, Golden Hand.
Not a big problem, right? Just stand there, look important, maybe flirt with some of the local women? Either way, I’m actually kind of looking forward to it.
~Copper
June 21st, 1 DR
Okay… so I think it’s safe to say, the captain is fucking terrifying when he is pissed.
Why do I say this? Well, remember how yesterday I was apart of that squad sent to accompany the princess to Ponyville? It seemed simple enough. Hell a child could’ve done this task.
Now, as a guard, you’re expected to take certain duties on board. Namely to give your life for the kingdom and the princess, and I have no problem with this. What I do have a problem with is, WHY DID NO ONE FUCKING TELL ME THERE WAS A SECOND PRINCESS, AND SHE WAS FUCKING EVIL?
I mean, for the love of everything holy, Princess Celestia raises the damn sun and moon, right? Well, it turns out she had a sister who used to control the moon. That’s right, the moon. Making her essentially a god.
They never covered dealing with a god in basic training! Hell, Princess Celestia fucking vanished in a split second, how the hell do you counter that?!
Short answer, YOU CAN’T!
So there we were, the three of us doing our thing, guarding the Princess, when this other woman appears and announces she’s going to take over. So, naturally, we charge in ready to save the day when WHAM! Lightning bolt knocked us all out for the count.
And, just to add salt to the wound, when we woke up. the Princess was back and the day had been saved by SIX. LITTLE. GIRLS!
Okay, maybe not girls per say as they clearly are adults. But six civilians nonetheless! Although… the long, pink-haired one with the yellow jumper had a sweet arse on her…
The Princess commended us for our brave efforts - though I damn well know she must have been pissed as hell - and we flew back to the capital. And that’s when we were… debriefed.
Now, most people know what a debrief is. You report to your superior about what happened and you basically discuss it. The captain, however, took a different approach.
I can still feel the old bastard’s spit on my face.
He must’ve been shouting at us for a good half hour about what a bunch of incompetent, lazy, worthless, maggoty, poor excuse for royal guards we were. Frankly I didn’t care, because I had a lovely image of him being ripped apart by hydras in my mind. So I just took the verbal bashing.
After the spit-bath that was our debriefing, we were all given harsh assignments to carry on with for the next month. That was until the princess had insisted the punishments weren’t that harsh as she felt bad (supposedly) we were not trained to fight a demented goddess, so we were given low ranking assignments in stea, Much to the captains annoyance.
Miserable prick…
Tomorrow, I get to have the grand job of guarding the new princess for the next few days. Yeah, I know that doesn’t sound low ranking, but she’s been gone for a thousand years. Guess what muggins will be doing for the next few days?
Answering all her questions on whatever she doesn’t understand.
Ah well, least it beats cleaning out the lavatories with a toothbrush for a month. What’s the worst that could happen?
~Copper
June 22nd, 1 DR
I think I’ve gone deaf.
No, I mean it, I think I have literally gone deaf.
I mean by Celestia, why does everything princess Luna have to say, she has to shout it? I’m not even exaggerating, she literally shouts about everything! She says that, apparently, it’s how they spoke ‘back in the day,’ or something like that, but I swear she’s doing it to just piss me off.
And that wasn’t even the worst part of it.
Remember how I was to answer all her questions? Yeah, there was one question she asked which made me shit bricks like you wouldn’t believe.
She asked me what pornography was.
Have you ever, ever had to try and explain pornography to someone who doesn't know what it is? It’s difficult. Try explaining it to a damn princess!
I don’t think I have ever felt that nervous and terrified in my life. I didn’t have any idea how to start that conversation at all. Instead, I tried to steer the conversation away from the topic but would she give up? Noooo she just insisted on knowing what it was.
Because I’m the only schmuck who was stuck with the job, I reluctantly tried my best to explain what it was. Easier said then done.
I don’t really remember exactly how I described it, but I think it embarrassed the princess somewhat. After all, it took three guards to pry me from the wall after I was embedded in there by her damn voice. Seriously, that shit was loud!
So now, I’m off princess babysitting duty for the meantime and currently back to guarding the hallway. And frankly, I couldn’t be more happier with that at the moment.
Princess Luna still won’t speak to me when I see her. She only blushes.
It’s the little things in life that keep your spirits up.
~Copper
*CR - Celestia’s Rule
*DR - Diarchy Rule