A/N: Please make sure the setting in the upper right reads “Dark” and not “Light”. Thank you.
He Who Follows is the one who leads.
…
Eh heh heh heh heh.
…
Properties in this chapter belong to Hasbro, Screw Attack, and Parsec Productions.
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The Moment No Pony Was Waiting For
Season 2
(14)
*cough* *hack* Help… me. The… The Darkness has returned!
*bzzrt*
…
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A/N: N…Narrator? What’s going on? Why is everything going fuzz-*bzzrt*
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…
Something feels very wrong about today.
I know what you mean. Due to the recently charged Halloween spirit, our two combatants are wielders of the greatest weapon known to mankind: fear.
King Sombrero…
King Sombra
Right, he’ll face Slender Tentacles.
Slender Man.
He’s W and I’m B.
And it’s our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
---Death Battle---
King Sombra
-Unicorn
-Wields dark magic fueled by hatred and fear
-Can alternate between gaseous and solid forms
-Can grow dark crystals out of the ground
-Can trigger his own magical traps from a large distance away
-Has very little motivation beyond crystals and slaves
-Hasn’t heard of an elevator
King Sombrarero used to be the self-proclaimed dictator and oppressor of the Crystal Empire. He ruled with iron chains and a dark hoof.
Sombra is a unicorn capable of wielding dark magic. Unlike the rest of Equestria’s magic which is fueled by light and hope, dark magic relies on the emotions of fear and hatred. These feelings are quite prominent in Sombra’s case.
What’s so dark about this dark magic, you ask? Well, it can conjure forth black and purple crystal structures out of nothing. It can also strike fear into his victims, causing them to s**t their pants… if they had any.
He can also trigger crystal-based traps that cause people to see their worst fears and interfere with magic cast by other unicorns. In addition, he can switch between his normal unicorn form and a large smoke cloud at will.
But here’s the thing. In all of his grand efforts to become the Crystal Empire’s most intimidating villain, he never installed an elevator. Seriously, I bet this guy’s castle has more stairs in it than the stairway to Heaven.
How can you possibly know how many stairs are on Heaven’s stairway?
Research, W. Research.
Well, if the Crystal Empire needs a permanent solution to King Sombra’s tyranny, they can concentrate their hope energy into the Crystal Heart.
Kaboom!
“No! Stop! Wraaaaaaugh!”
---Death Battle---
Slender Man
-Species: unknown
-Favorite environment: the middle of the woods at night
-Leaves eight pieces of paper around for newcomers to find
-Is rumored to devour children
-Wears a suit and tie; has no face
-Method of attack: approach victim very slowly, make their vision imitate a static-filled television set, then appear right in front of them doing who-knows-what with his tentacles
-Now humorously being associated to the song with the lyrics “Gimme $20”
Tentacle Man is an entity shrouded in rumors and mystery. Though, you can be sure that the place he’s in will be dark.
I’m beginning to wonder if you’re doing this on purpose.
W sighs.
Sightings of Slender Man have included a surprisingly well-kept outfit. Apparently, he dresses in a full business suit complete with a red tie.
But that’s about where his good looks end. He’s got gray skin and tentacles instead of hands. To top it off, he has no face. Ooooo.
As if this wasn’t weird enough, his favorite hobby seems to be leaving around eight pages of paper with vague words and illustrations made in pencil. Sometimes these pages are picked up by random wanderers carrying flashlights.
But after some time passes, he always manages to kill the page collector. Always.
Whenever he gets closer to his victim, their vision starts to become blurry by what appears to be television static. Once he gets close enough, the victim is forced to lay eyes on his featureless face before they are presumably murdered.
I bet he’d be popular in Japan. Tentacle porn is all the rage.
Ahem! There was very little information we could find on what can actually kill Slender Man. One rumor has it that he will leave you alone if you give him an Andrew Jackson dollar bill. Other than that, it seems to only defense is to find all eight of his pages and then to hurry to wherever the player started.
But don’t get your hopes too high. For someone who just stands there and stares without any eyes, he sure can catch his victims pretty quickly.
In lieu of a quote, the screen simply goes static-y as an image of a faceless man flashes briefly.
---Death Battle---
All right, the combatants are set. Let’s settle this debate once and for all.
It’s time for a DEATH BATTLE!
---Death Battle---
For the duration of this battle, I shall temporarily modify my circuits so that my voice imitates that of Narrator. *click*
Why do these battles keep getting drawn to forests? Meh, whatever. I can see a dark cloud with greenish-red eyes and a fanged smile. But… where’s the other combatant?
“FIGHT!”
No, seriously, where is Slender Man? I don’t see him anywhere. All I can see in this nighttime setting are some dead trees, grass, and a flashlight.
Sombra growls in confusion before floating forward. The forest is not very pleasing to his eyes. There are no pretty crystals to behold his presence. There isn’t even a staircase. There are only trees.
He keeps floating on. Occasionally, he makes a turn in his path. He starts floating closer to a giant rock formation. Attached to the side of one of the rocks is what appears to be a piece of paper. It has crudely drawn twigs, possibly pine needles, and a stick figure of a person.
The page inexplicably dissolves as Sombra’s smoky body gets in close proximity of it.
*Collected 1/8*
Sombra lets out another confused growl before floating in another direction.
*boom*
Sombra’s confusion doesn’t leave him when the all-around noise of a drum beats.
*boom*
Feeling like his time is being wasted, he keeps floating forward. A weird flurry of snow briefly crosses his vision, though it leaves just as quickly. Eventually, he carries himself near a brick wall. After floating around, the camera can see that it is actually two brick walls, one crossing through the other.
It is here that Sombra discovers another page. It has another twiggy illustration as well as an all-capital letter message. It reads, “DON’T LOOK… OR IT TAKES YOU.” This page dissolves just as the first did.
*Collected 2/8*
*boom*
The drum noise from earlier starts to beat a little faster. This time, Sombra ignores the weird snow in his vision and floats along. He has yet to find a single tasty crystal in this Elder-forsaken forest. In an attempt to search the forest more quickly, Sombra spreads his smoky body over a much larger area.
His form reaches its way into a bathroom complex, near some yellow oil tankers, next to a blue truck, behind a red truck attached to a mobile home, inside a dome-shaped tunnel, and on a silo.
*Collected 3/8*
*Collected 4/8*
*Collected 5/8*
*Collected 6/8*
*Collected 7/8*
*Collected 8/8*
In a frustrated growl, Sombra pulls himself back together next to a chain-linked fence in his solid, unicorn body. All he has are eight useless pieces of paper. Where are his crystals?
An off-screen piano hits a dissonant chord. Sombra’s vision is overtaken by a barrage of snow. His hearing is filled with an annoying buzzing noise. A white, faceless head flashes in his eyes before everything goes dark.
“K.-! *bzzrt*”
*click* Um… Announcer? Announcer! Where’d you go-? *bzzrt*
---Death Battle---
Uh…
Hold on a second. There we are! My voice changer is ready to go.
Wait, what?
*click-clack*
…
*Bang-bang-bang-bang-bang!*
SURPRISE, FATHER MUCKER!
~Right! *dubstep* All right! *dubstep* Bangarang!~
Uh… Ah… Uh… What?
There we go. I don’t know why we were so worried before. That Slender Pedo is easy.
…
W? Are you still with us? *waves his hand in front of W’s face* Hello? Huh, I guess not. Well, I can’t blame him for being speechless. These Death Battles really aren’t that exciting for the viewers that only read our text files and don’t watch the actual fight. Oh, well. At least the combatants went out with a bang.
You just shot him… with a sniper round… at point blank. What.
The winner is me! Ha ha ha ha ha!
---Death Battle---
Hey, we’re alive again!
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A/N: What, huh?
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How did that happen?
We must have miraculously recovered while we were off screen.
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A/N: … Neat.
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Yeah, neat.
“-O.!”
---Death Battle---
Next time on Side Battle...
...
No, I will not fetch the g**-d*** stick for you. Get it yourself.
...
"You scared the begeezus out of us."
"Likewise."
---Death Battle---