It should have been a much better morning than it was. The sky was clear, nothing significant was on fire, and what birds were left were happily chirping outside. It was the kind of morning that Ponyville had not experienced in some time. No apocalyptic violence or spontaneous pregnancies anywhere, but Twilight was still unhappy.
Being the efficient, schedule-prone pony that she was, Twilight had tried to make good use of the downtime. The calm did give Twilight the opportunity to read all of the books in her library a tenth time, and engage in important, totally-not-stalking-or-creepy fact finding missions, related to absolutely-legitimate-not-nosy-at-all questions that she had about the good citizens of Ponyville. Who was responsible for the Bonbon clone army? What did the flower ponies do when they were not being useless, and what was their connection to Jam Pony? Was that a Gatling gun that was just delivered to Screw Loose's house? Still, Twilight was having a difficult time escaping her own growing sense of irrelevance.
"Are you feeling okay, Twi?" asked Spike.
"Yeah… I’m fine." was her melancholy response. She didn’t look at him but continued to sit on her bed and stare out the window.
"Is it about Chuck Norris?"
"No, not everything is about Chuck Norris," replied Twilight. This was the biggest lie she ever told anypony.
"Do you feel ordinary because the presence of Chuck Norris in our universe was enough to change every mare in Equestria into alicorn princesses?"
"No. Spike" she said, grinding her teeth.
"Was it because Chuck Norris drove off all of the villains for the next thousand years with only one roundhouse kick"
"Okay, okay! I admit it! I'm not feeling okay! I haven't felt okay since he got here! And what about you, huh?! Aren't you the least bit angry that Rarity is carrying his foal or abomination or whatever he calls it?!”
"Well, what can I do about it other than give him a drink of water? Cause, well, Chuck Norris."
"So we are all supposed to just lie down and do nothing while he completely messes up our lives and our whole kingdom?!"
"It's better than having to deal with his roundhouse kick!"
Twilight growled in frustration and pulled the blankets over her head. "I'm done talking with you, Spike. Just leave me alone."
Her friends showed up later to try and cheer Twilight up, but there were subtle clues that made Twilight suspect that they were no longer entirely on her side on the matter of Chuck Norris. Only Pinkie Pie was absent because she was working at Sugarcube Corner. Or she was travelling the multiverse, only Schrödinger's cat knew for sure.
"Ah think you got him all wrong, Twi," said Applejack, who was wearing a Stetson hat handmade by Chuck Norris from the hides of Flim and Flam. "He's been nothin’ but helpful to all of us since he got here. Why, just the other day he roundhouse kicked just one of ma apple trees and low and behold he had harvested all the apples in ma whole farm for the next five years!"
"And who can forget what that gorgeous hunk of man meat did for by dear sister Sweetie Belle and the Cutie Mark Crusaders!" said Rarity, who was wearing a Stetson hat made from Jet Set's and Upper Crust's hides (made by Chuck Norris), and a pregnant belly (also made by Chuck Norris). "They got all of the cutie marks, transformed into star fillies, and started roaming the galaxy in a giant, black monolith! And all he had to do was tell them 'Good job'!"
"Yeah, but nothing can top my awesome new moves!" said Rainbow Dash, who was already cooler by a factor of Chuck Norris and didn't need a hat; and smelled like the aftermath of a NASCAR race. "Chuck Norris taught me how to do a superluminal, supersonic rainboom that reversed the rotation of the earth!"
"I will always be grateful for the help Chuck Norris gave me," said Fluttershy, who, even in a scary, reptilian-looking black suit of armor, looked kawaii. "Chuck Norris gave me the courage to fulfill my lifelong dream to become Fluttermaximus, the despotic ruler of the Dragon Kingdom and Mistress of Hugs."
Spike made a low bow to Dark Queen Fluttermaximus. "Forgive me, your Majesty, for not greeting you properly when you arrived."
"You are forgiven, you can live for another day. "replied Fluttermaximus, Ruler of the Dragon Kingdom and Mistress of Hugs, with a regal wave of her hoof and an I.O.U. for a hug. "If... that's okay with you."
"Well I'm not convinced," replied Twilight. "A.J., how are you going to supply apples over the next five years when all of them were harvested this year?”
“Already taken care of, Twi.” said Applejack cheerfully, “He already planted a new apple farm on the smolderin’ ashes of Cherry’s cherry farm. And I might add, he can make the best lemonade ah've ever tried from the oranges he picked from ma apple trees!”
“And what about the tsunami that was caused by that reversal of the earth’s rotation?!”
“No problem, Chuck Norris took care of it with a roundhouse kick that sent it to someone else’s shore,” replied Rainbow Dash without a hint of worry.
Twilight continued “And don’t you miss your sisters Applebloom and Sweetie Belle since they started travelling to… wherever in the far reaches of space?”
“Well, they always write home twice a week,” replied Rarity, who suddenly got a strange smile on her face. “And it has given me plenty of time to… pursue… other forms of recreation… “
“ANYWAY!!” interrupted Twilight. “What about Chuck Norris’s gaze that turns boys into men? One look from him and Pipsqueak and Featherweight are now twice as big as Big Mac!”
"I haven't heard any complaints from their mare-friends," offered Fluttermaximus with an eyebrow wiggle.
Twilight was becoming more and more exasperated with every comment that wasn’t in agreement with her world view. "But it's getting ridiculous and out of control! Don't any of you see the problems he's causing here in Equestria? All of the brick walls have collapsed because Chuck Norris keeps beating them in tennis! The avian population is taking a nosedive because ponies keep asking him to kill two stones with one bird! The reason everyone has a positive impression of him is because all the neigh-sayers are dead or missing! There has been nothing but chaos, death, and destruction ever since he got here! You know what, I'm just going to say it: I don't think Chuck Norris should be here!"
All of Twilight's friends gasped in horror, as did everyone within a two-block radius. Left-handed albino parasprites became extinct.
Spike spoke first. "Twilight, you can't talk like that about Chuck Norris! He'll come and hunt you down!"
"Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting," corrected Rainbow Dash, "Because hunting implies that he will fail. Chuck Norris goes killing!"
"And then... he feeds!" commented Fluttermaximus, in a now uncharacteristically fearful tone.
"And then... he loves!" said Rarity with a faraway look and a satisfied grin.
Unfortunately, there was no stopping Twilight. "I don't care! Chuck Norris doesn't belong in Equestria! He needs to leave! And if he were here, I'd say it to his face!"
Suddenly, Twilight's roof caved in, not because of any force acting upon it, but because the roof knew that worse things would happen if it didn't comply. Five-foot-ten inches of bearded perfection flew in from above and hovered in the air, because Chuck Norris doesn't have to obey gravity or any laws of physics.
Chuck Norris's deep, manly voice blew out Twilight's windows. "Chuck Norris was kicking Discord in the back of the face when Chuck Norris heard a discouraging word spoken about Chuck Norris."
"Please don't kill her!" cried Applejack, throwing herself at the feet of Chuck Norris. "Twilight asks too many questions and says too many thangs that no-one in their right mind would ever ask!”
"Your accent reminds me of my native country of Oklahoma, which Chuck Norris was a citizen of before Chuck Norris became his own country, and warms his ice-cold, vengeful heart," replied Chuck Norris. "Come, allow Chuck Norris to express his appreciation to you."
"NOT IN MY HOUSE, YOU'RE NOT!" cried Twilight in both rage and disgust. "I've got a lot of things to say to you, Chuck Norris, and I'm not afraid to tell you about every last one of them!"
"Your courage has been duly noted by Chuck Norris, but there are much larger problems to be dealt with. Chuck Norris has a hunger and a thirst that can only be satisfied by revenge or Ponyville Cafe's cooking. He will carry you there."
"That really isn’t necessary. We could--you know--walk and use actual doors instead... "
"Fear not, my little light grayish mulberry equine, there is no safer place in the multiverse than the armpit of Chuck Norris!"
He grasped Twilight under his arm and sprang into the air. Again, the roof opened up to accommodate his exit.
"Call me!" exclaimed the voices of four mares and one dragon.