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// [ARC II] Chapter 19- The Hardest Part is Finding a Unicorn and Making It Cry 
// Story: Building Walls, Burning Bridges 
// by MonolithiuM 
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"I like control." -Michael Jordan

"Why do you need to go to see Applebloom again?" Sweetie Belle trotted alongside Scootaloo and I. Turns out she wasn't all that she was cracked up to be. While certainly unbearably adorable, she was also unbearably… good. But, she was very prone to peer pressure and so Scootaloo and I managed to guilt-trip her into coming along after a rather uneventful day at the Schoolhouse. 

"I want to check out Applejack's trees. I know they're apple trees, but how does she grow apples that big? And if it's magic, I want to know." I saw Sweet Apple Acres encroaching on the horizon. "Hi ho Silver!"

"Get off," Scootaloo deadpanned. I rolled my eyes and did so. I made a half-promise to behave myself. And just so you know, a half-promise is a promise that you can skirt around half of the time. I divide my time well, thank you. 

As we walked up the drive to the farmhouse, I saw Applebloom waving to us with her sister standing just behind her. I waved back with my eyes closed, a friendly smile plastered on my face. 

"Corny mode, activate." 

"Heya A.B.! What's cookin'?"

She smiled broadly and laughed. "Not much, Chibs! How about you?"

I felt my smile twitch along with my eyes, and I painstakingly smiled harder than before. "Not much. You said you had a tree house around here?"

"Yeah! C'mon slowpokes!"

Applejack motioned a hoof to her eyes and then to me. Next she pointed at her trees and rose a hoof. She then brought that hoof down, making a significant indent in the dirt. 

I shrugged and followed Applebloom until Applejack turned around to head back inside, then I blasted past the Cutie Mark Crusaders and appeared at the step of their hut. 

"What's up, slowpokes?" I grinned deviously and Applebloom huffed. As they all went inside, I stretched and yawned. Sweetie Belle looked back at me before going inside. 

"Mono? Are you coming in?" she asked. I jogged in place and nodded. 

"Yeah. After I take a little jog." Sweetie Belle nodded and closed the door. 

With my arms over my head and behind my back, I opened one eye in the midst of my stretch, and when I was sure they weren't checking on me, I pulled out a huge saw. 

Pulling out The List, I checked it once more. 

"…rings of a tree," I whispered slowly. Picking a direction, I ran deeper into the orchard. 

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I made my way out of the orchard with a three-inch sliver from the trunk of a tree. I don't know which one and what part of the orchard specifically, there were a lot of fucking trees. 

Next on The List was Cloud Mist, followed by a rubber hammer and nails, and then laughter. That would have to do for the day, as a lot of the others required either some thought, a lot of thought, or shattering the space-time continuum whilst committing royal crimes. 

"I'm down with that," I mumbled. I had already desecrated Applejack's trees, so I was in deep enough as it was. For Cloud Mist I would need a particularly moronic, prismatic pegasus and a healthy batch of complete cartoon bullcrap. 

Ask and thou shalt receive. I saw Rainbow Dash snoring on a cloud just as I entered Ponyville. I was in no real rush, so I had walked the entire way. Undoubtedly, Applejack would be racing here to find me, and that would just supercharge the situation and make it all the more beneficial. 

"Hey! Rainbow Douche!" She didn't stir. I grumbled and kept moving anyway. I could get the rest while she slept in the sky. I skipped to laughter, because I couldn't think of where to nab some rubber nails and a rubber hammer. 

I made my way, regrettably, to Sugar Cube Corner for the Laughter. I opened the door and Pinkie smiled brightly. "Hiya Chibs! Come to enjoy a tasty Equestrian treat?" I walked past the counter and stopped in front of her. 

This was the key to the ingredient. 

"Where are the twins?" I asked immediately. The faster I got to my ingredient the better. While she might have been the Element of laughter, she was god-awful annoying. Better to just get the foals to laugh and leave it at that. 

"Oh, they're upstairs. Why do you want to see them?" she asked. I thought quickly. 

"To give them hugs and kisses of course!" 

She giggled, said "okay" and went back to work. I made my way up the stairs and into the first room. A bathroom. Damn. I couldn't remember the room the twins stayed in. 

"Oh well…" 

I made my way to the next door, and was buried in cleaning equipment and toys in an instant. Grumbling, I kicked the lot of the junk back inside and stomped to the third and final door. 

I opened it hastily, and calmly shut the door immediately afterward. "Well, seeing two ponies screw is the last thing I wanted to see today, but at least it's not an ingredient." I then turned around and saw the one door I hadn't entered yet. 

Going inside I saw that Pumpkin and Pound were asleep, and so I took my sweet time opening my laptop and getting the recording software prepared. After opening Audacity, I approached the cribs slowly. 

Inside, both foals were sleeping peacefully. This was easily amended by saying "hey". As they blinked and stared up at my equally-flat eyes, they tilted their heads to the side. I made a silly face and they continued to stare at me. 

Rolling my eyes, I pulled a bag of flour from behind me and ripped it open, letting the white powder cascade over my glare. They loved it, obviously, and began clapping and laughing. With that done, I went back to my laptop and closed it, hopping out the window and leaving the floury mess behind for that diabetic she-devil. 

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"Cheesiness," I read from The List. "Now where in the hell would I find-" 

Nanny Joyful trotted by and I tucked The List back into my coat. "Bingo." 

I followed her to the park, where she sat on a bench, or laid down more like. I quickly approached her and asked the golden question. 

"Can you tell me a joke?" I asked her. She smiled and nodded, taking a second to chew and swallow her food, which I think was some kind of flower sandwich. 

"Two stallions are walking down the street and see a dog licking its genitals. One stallion says to the other, 'Whoa! I wish I could do that!' The other stallion raises his eyebrows and says, 'Go ahead dude, but if I were you, I'd pet him first.'"

My brows furrowed. I didn't want to laugh, this was serious shit. I needed a legitimately corny joke, but that was pretty good. "Damn, too good. Almost there, but not terrible enough," I said, making my way back into town with my bag slung over my shoulder. 

"Where am I going to get a corny joke, someone who has never had any major social interaction and is a total friggin' softie?" I heard trumpets blare and wings beat, bringing my attention to the sky. 

There, being ushered in by a platoon of pegasi in white armor, was Twilight Sparkle. 

"Mission objective is a go." I grinned and straightened my hat. 

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I pushed open the door to Twilight's home after I led the guards away from the door. It wasn't really that hard to be honest. After making my way inside, I saw her using magic to create a suitable bed and furniture.

"Twilight," I said calmly. She jumped and spun about.

"Mono? What are you doing-"

"ACH!"

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"-here?" Twilight made her way down the wooden stairs, forgoing the use of her wings. Mono kept with his deadpan, his hands stuffed in his pockets. He flinched momentarily, but made no comment on it.

"I'm bored. I was wondering if you could maybe tell me a joke?" His bored expression seemed to certainly entail his need for humor, but was he really so deserving?

Twilight sighed mentally. "I guess I might as well…" 

"Okay. I know a few good jokes!" She smiled and sat. "When does Friday come before Thursday?" She was met with silence and furrowed eyebrows from the chibi.

"In a dictionary!" She beamed at him, her eyes sparkling with amusement. Mono simply nodded and wrote something down, then turned around and left. Twilight was left in the afterglow of… nothing really…

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Mono walked outside and groaned. "Holy shit that was cornier than penicillin." He continued to travel down the road whilst reading The List he had so furtively copied from an old commercial. 

By doing so, he withheld his attention from the pathway, thus marring his ability to sidestep approaching ponies.

"Next I should probably do some stuff back in Canterlot… The rest I can save for later I guess…" 

He continued to walk because someone hadn't yet managed to do the thing that was supposed to take place. Mono walked through town obliviously, luckily not hitting any other pedestrians except the one he was supposed to. 

A coin dropped, the clear, echoing clink reverberating in Mono's ears.

Mono heard the sound crisp and loud, and his blood froze. Before he could even react, he hit something blue. Mono promptly hit the ground, dropping The List and landing on his shoulder bag. 

"Ah!" He quickly got up and glared at the strange-looking pony in front of him. The pony regarded him… almost fondly… The green eyes sparkled brightly, as if inviting Mono to take part in conversation, which the little human certainly did. 

"What the fuck is your problem?" He stood up and got in the blue pony's grill. The mysterious pony simply grinned. 

"My name's Penchant. I own Transition Tech in Manehatten. Pleasure to bump into you, Mr. Nucleosis. I'd like to discuss business, as I'm very interested in how you may play a role in Equestria's future."

The stallion's voice reminded Mono of his own, yet slightly more gentle and stoic. His blue coat shone like he had recently groomed it, and the mane atop his head seemed to reflect, no- radiate light. His wings remained tucked at his sides and his mane was combed back professionally. All in all, this stallion looked as if he had prepared for this encounter ahead of time. 

Penchant gave a confident grin and picked up Mono's list with a hoof. "Interesting list…" 

"Hey." Mono snatched it back with a nasty snarl. "Hooves off, fucknuts."

Penchant chuckled and gave a reserved smile. "Ah. That is so refreshing, you have no idea." While Mono quirked an eyebrow, Penchant continued. "In Manehatten, I'm continuously referred to as 'sir' or 'master'. It was getting absolutely ridiculous. None of my employees refer to me as a common pony. Every Faustdamn day I trot in and am immediately surrounded by suck-ups and flank-kissers. To be honest I'm just tired of their bullshit." 

Mono didn't know what to make of this stallion. "He's pretty okay, I guess. I mean, he does have a metric fuckton of bits I bet. And he's opposed to the view his employees have of him. I'll humor him for now, I suppose." 

"Let's talk over a nice lunch. Know any good spots around here?" Mono asked the new stallion.

Penchant grinned. "Yes, in fact I do. The Spotted Lupus."

"Hooray, let's eat s'more fucking grass. In fact, let's just be a bunch of fucking nutless pansies who can't stand a little meat," Mono spat. Penchant just raised an eyebrow to fit his knowing smile.

"I never said you could go without getting a nice lamb flambe."

Mono paused. "I'm in."