I woke up in bed alone the morning after I lost my virginity. Cloud didn’t even wait for me to wake up before she left.
I don’t want to be unreasonable about it. Her mother had just died. Sure, I might not understand how that feels, but all I needed was one look at her face to understand exactly how much pain she was in. I’d tried to take some of that pain away last night. In hindsight, it was silly to think that having sex with her would magically make everything better. That’s just not the way things work. Her mom was still dead, and nothing I could do would change that.
And I understood that she was in too much pain to worry about me—plus, there was her family to think about. She still had her little sister and her father. I wasn’t going to be some sort of horribly greedy and insensitive pony who insisted on getting all of Cloud’s time when her family obviously needed her more than I did. I could deal with her leaving me alone because of that. I understood.
But just like having sex with Cloud didn’t take her pain away, understanding why she wasn’t there the morning after didn’t take the sting out of the fact that she wasn’t there.
I’d spent a lot of time thinking about what would happen the first time we did it. With how long I’d been nursing that crush on Cloudy, it was pretty much inevitable that I’d speculate. If I’m being honest, sometimes it was more like fantasizing.
Okay, almost always. Sometimes very vivid fantasizing.
But my image of our perfect first night together hadn’t been anything like this. It was supposed to be wonderful, magical, and romantic. Instead ... well, I couldn’t complain about her performance during the act itself, but I’d never planned on having Cloud cry herself to sleep afterwards, and then not even be there the morning after. It’s just not how things were supposed to go.
And I couldn’t even be mad at her for ruining my happy fantasy. Sure, feeling that way about it would’ve been stupid and petty, but at least that would’ve allowed me an outlet. Instead, I just wound up feeling like a complete mule because I was upset at Cloud for not being a perfect romantic fillyfriend the day after her mom died.
Ugh. I just didn’t know what I was supposed to do, how I should feel—any of it.
I probably would’ve spent the whole day in bed moping if not for the fact that my stomach had no intention of allowing it. I think the last thing I’d eaten yesterday was lunch back at the Guard camp, which consisted of some sort of brown sludge that technically qualified as food. It was worse than the gunk I’d eaten back at the orphanage and college.
Plus, I guess I had burned a lot of calories last night. Cloud used to always tease me about how intercourse was one of the best forms of exercise a pony could get. From the way I felt pleasantly sore in a couple of places, I could believe it.
I climbed out of bed and shakily wandered in the general direction of the kitchen. Maybe I would get lucky and Cloud would be there waiting for me. It wasn’t too inconsiderate to want just a bit of time from her, was it? Not a lot—just enough for a hug, or maybe a little kiss and a short chat. Hay, I would settle for just three words each. The three words anypony wants to hear after they’ve given up their virginity.
But I didn’t hear those words, because Cloudy wasn’t there. Instead, the only pony sitting at the kitchen table was Rainbow Dash. She awkwardly shuffled on her haunches when she saw me, then offered a pained smile. “So....”
“Yeah...” I stepped the rest of the way into the room, and for lack of better ideas I settled down across the table from Rainbow. Rainbow Dash might be a really good boss, but she wouldn’t be anypony’s first choice when it came to getting relationship advice. However, she did have one big advantage over somepony who was an expert at romance: she was already here, and she knew what was going on. Besides, even if a lot of her advice wound up being terrible and delivered in the most insensitive way possible, she meant well. “So, I guess you figured out what happened with me and Cloud last night...”
Rainbow’s nostrils flared open, and she let out a loud sniff. “I can put two and two together, yeah. Plus, I ran into Cloud earlier and she kinda spilled the story to me.”
Despite myself, I felt a little flare of resentment at that. So Cloud had plenty of time to have a big heart-to-heart with Rainbow Dash, but couldn’t spare a minute for me? “So ... is Cloud still around, or is she out?”
“She’s putting in some family time right now.” I could read between the lines well enough to get the unspoken ‘So back off and let her spend time with them.’ Not that I needed to be told something like that; I wasn’t some sort of horrible insensitive bitch.
I guess righteous annoyance must have been showing on my face, because Rainbow winced and shot me an apologetic half-smile. “So, uh, you okay?”
I suppose I should’ve known Dash didn’t mean anything by it. That’s just how she tends to be: a bit rough around the edges and with all the sensitivity of a lead-lined brick to the face sometimes, but she’d never go out of her way to offend somepony who didn’t deserve it. Well, unless she’s having one of her stupider moments, but even then she’ll apologize for them once she’s realized what she’d done. I answered her smile with one of my own to let her know that everything was alright between us. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m alright. Great, really. I mean, I’ve been carrying a torch for Cloud Kicker for months, and now we’ve finally done the deed.”
Rainbow let out a skeptical little snort. “Just a few months? C’mon.”
“Okay, maybe it was a bit longer,” I conceded. “Maybe even a year or so. It’s kind of hard to really put my hoof on when exactly it happened—it’s not like there was some sort of sudden divine revelation or something.” I mean, I’d found her attractive pretty much from the moment I met her about a year and a half ago, but there’s a big difference between having a friend you’re attracted to and being seriously in love with said friend. We just kind of kept getting closer and more comfortable around each other, and the more I figured out about my strange new friend, the more I grew to care about her.
I idly fiddled with my hooves as I tried to come up with the most delicate way to phrase a difficult question. “Rainbow, can I ask you something?” She waved a hoof for me to get on with it. “How come you never banged Cloud?”
It was a probably a good thing that Rainbow wasn’t drinking anything when I asked her that, because I have a feeling that would have ended with me getting a face full of orange juice. As it was, she settled on sputtering indignantly for several seconds before she could actually manage a coherent answer. “That’s a stupid question! And you’re stupid for asking a stupid question like that!” She glared at me for a few seconds, then one of her eyes twitched a bit and her ears went flat. “Sorry, s’just you caught me by surprise, is all. Didn’t mean to snap at you like that.”
I was a little tempted to make an issue of it, but that wouldn’t really serve any purpose except making everypony mad and bitter. “It’s fine, Rainbow. It was a pretty personal question.”
“It’s not fine,” Rainbow grumbled, slumping down against the kitchen table. “I can’t go ripping ponies’ heads off every time they ask me something like that.” She closed her eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. “Promise this stays between us?”
“Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.” Sure, the Pinkie Promise was a bit silly, but it meant something. Especially since Pinkie Pie enforced those promises with an almost terrifying amount of fanatical glee.
“Cool.” Rainbow sat there silently for a bit, seeming like she was trying to build up her nerve for the big confession. “We thought about it, once. Y’know, just ‘cause we’d gone through so much and we were so close and all. Plus, it was right around the time she was gonna join the Guard, and we’d never see each other again or ... yeah. Anyway, we wound up deciding against doing any of that stuff. I mean, we’re cool and all, but that’s just not how we work.”
I had a feeling there was more to the story than that, but I didn’t want to push her. Frankly, if Rainbow didn’t want to talk about it, then it was none of my business. It’s not like I would appreciate a pony prying into my sex life. “Thanks, Rainbow.”
“Don’t mention it. Ever.” One of Rainbow’s ears flicked, and she very pointedly changed the subject. “So, you and Cloud hooked up. Guess you’re pretty psyched about that, huh?”
“Yeah, it’s great.” Even I could tell there wasn’t anything close to the amount of enthusiasm one would expect from a statement like that. From the way Rainbow quirked an eyebrow at me, she’d picked up on it too. If even Rainbow was picking up on the subtle warning signs that all was not well, then there was no point in trying to pretend that I wasn’t upset. “It's just that I wanted Cloud to be there when I woke up, and...”
Rainbow ducked her head, not quite making eye contact with me for a bit. “Oh. Yeah, guess I could see how that would get to ya. S’probably not a big deal, though. I figure she just didn't wanna to bother you. Got a lotta stuff on her mind, y'know?”
“Yeah, after everything that happened with her mom, it’s no wonder she needs time with family, lots of love and affection, and some time to ... to...” My train of thought derailed, crashed to the bottom of the gorge, and suffered a boiler explosion. “Oh Celestia, her mom! Rule Three!” I introduced my face to the table hard enough to leave a mark.
I could practically hear Cloud Kicker’s voice echoing in my head: ‘Rule number three. Never take a pony to bed when their judgment is compromised. Drugs, alcohol, emotional or psychological things, whatever. If the pony isn’t thinking straight enough to agree, I don’t bang them. Simple as that.’
Psychologically compromised. Sounds like a pretty good term to describe a pony who’d just lost their mother. Guess that was the final nail in the coffin of our magical first time together.
Rainbow Dash letting out a very loud snort knocked me out of my quiet and completely internal panic. “Just hit ya, didn't it?” For a while she just stared at me, alternating between annoyed glares, half-spoken words, and aggravated grunts. Finally, she seemed to settle on how she wanted to handle this. “Look, those are Cloud Kicker's rules. She's the one that put the moves on you and stuff, so don’t act like this is all on you.”
“Yeah, but still...” I groaned and clonked my head on the table again. Sure, those rules might just have been Cloud’s personal code, but they were a good set of rules for anypony to follow. Taking advantage of a pony when they were vulnerable like Cloud had been just wasn’t right. “No wonder she didn't stick around for cuddling the morning after. I bet she's furious that I took advantage of her.”
Rainbow bit her lip and flicked her wings, squirming like she was sitting on a bed of hot coals. I guess she was in a difficult position, trying to play mare-in-the-middle with Cloud’s love life. I certainly didn’t envy anypony stuck with that task. Eventually, she worked out what she wanted to say. “Well, look, I talked to Cloud earlier this morning, okay? Lemme just tell you, she is absolutely unfurious with you. Completely and totally.”
“Oh.” I let out a relieved sigh. “Thanks for telling me that, Rainbow. I just—”
Rainbow cut me off with an exasperated wave of her hoof, then used said hoof to rub her forehead. “Just ‘cause she’s not pissed at you doesn't mean it wasn't a completely stupid thing for you two to do. Hay, the only reason she’s not mad is ‘cause she’s blaming herself for everything instead of you. Her, I can understand, but I gotta ask: what the hay were you thinking, Blossom?”
I flinched back from her, my ears flattening. Rainbow Dash can be pretty intimidating when she gets upset. Especially given that she’s not only my friend, she’s also my boss. Hay, she’d fired Cloud once just because she was in a bad mood. So maybe there was a bit of a nervous tremble in my voice when I answered her. “Look, Rainbow Dash, I—”
She cut me off again, this time so she could let out a loud groan before facehoofing. “Why does everypony get so stupid about banging? You, Fluttershy, Derpy, Cloud Kicker—especially Cloud Kicker! That’s why I feathering hate all this stupid banging stuff! Everything’s going fine, and then it crops up and just ruins everything!”
“It was my first time, okay?!” It took me a second to realize that I was shouting in her face—I’d just kind of exploded once she started ranting at me. It wasn’t fair; I give up my virginity, and instead of being romantic, it was all just pain, misery, and guilt.
“I know!” Rainbow shouted right back, sounding every bit as exasperated as I was. “That's what makes this whole stupid thing so—” Rainbow abruptly cut herself off, presumably having realized that she was shouting too. When she resumed speaking a few seconds later, she sounded much more subdued. “Sorry about that, it’s just ... this whole thing is just so feathered up. Hay, it was feathered up already, and then Cloud goes and makes a huge mistake like this...”
That got under my skin. Sure, the timing was bad, but I didn’t exactly care for the implication that I was a ‘mistake’ Cloud had made. It’s not like this had all been a drunken one-night stand or something. “A mistake? What's that supposed to mean?”
Amazingly, Dash seemed to have actually picked up on what was going through my mind. I never would have believed she could actually read subtext. “Look, I’m not saying you two hooking up isn’t cool and all. Hay, a couple months back I would’ve been glad you two finally got to it. It’s just that she shouldn’t—she should’ve...” Rainbow fell silent for a while, contemplating her options. “This was really the wrong time for this, y’know? How d’you think Derpy’s gonna take it?”
I didn’t have a good answer for that. If I’m going to be honest, my first instinct would be to say that Derpy could go feather herself. I’d tried to get along with her for Cloud’s sake, and I think we’d both been making progress, but at the end of the day I still wanted to be with Cloud Kicker. As long as Derpy stood in the way of that, it was hard for me to be too upset at the idea that me being with Cloud might not make her happy.
But at the same time, it’s not like she was a bad pony or anything. Maybe I was willing to accept her being a little broken-hearted over me getting together with Cloud, but that didn’t mean I wanted her to be hurt. There’s a big difference between saying that I’m willing to play to win if it comes down to a contest between Derpy and me versus saying that I wanted Cloud to rip Derpy’s heart out and stomp it into the ground, then throw what was left into the trash.
It’s a bit hard to explain, really. The equine heart is a complicated thing.
Rainbow rubbed her hooves over her face, letting out a low, frustrated groan. “Ugh, this whole thing is just crazy. Between her mom, you, and Derpy, Cloud is really going to ... to ... feathers, I don't even know what she’s gonna do. Got a feeling it’s gonna make an even bigger mess of things, though.”
Yeah, that part was hard to deny. Cloud seemed to have a real talent for driving her love life from disaster to disaster. If not for the fact that I was afraid of waking up anypony who might still be sleeping, I might have started screaming again. “Dammit, dammit, dammit! It's not supposed to be like this!”
“But it is.” After a few seconds of hesitation, Rainbow scooted her chair over to me and slowly reached out with one of her wings, resting it across my shoulders. It wasn’t quite a proper wing-hug, but it was still a clear gesture of friendship and support. “Look, you wanna talk or something? I mean, I’m probably not the best pony to talk to about the whole big messy love triangle thing, but if you need somepony to spill your guts to ... I’m around.”
Maybe I haven’t mentioned it before, but Rainbow Dash really is a great boss. Sure, she’s temperamental, short-sighted, and has all the patience of a Cutie Mark Crusader, but she cares. I’ll take a boss with character flaws who cares about me over a ‘perfect’ boss who doesn’t give a flying feather about their employees any day. After all, I could never tell a boss who didn’t give a flying feather about me everything I was going through now. “Yeah, if you’ve got time, I could use somepony who’s willing to listen. It’s just ... I always figured when Cloud and I finally got together, it would be this wonderful thing that fixed all our problems. Instead, it's just made everything even worse than it already was.”
Rainbow’s wing tightened across my shoulders, pulling me in for a proper hug. “She didn't think the whole thing was just a mistake, even if the timing was really bad. Right now, whatever happens with Cloud and Derpy is something they have to deal with on their own.”
“Yeah, I guess so. Though I’d like to help.” I couldn’t deny that Rainbow had a point about how Cloud and Derpy needed to sort out their issues on their own, but it’s not like I was completely uninvolved. Hay, if I’d turned Cloud down last night, this whole problem could’ve been avoided. “I just wish this whole mess wasn't so complicated.”
“Yeah,” Rainbow grumbled. “This whole thing sucks.”
“No kidding.” Stupid Derpy, for hooking up with my best friend who I had a huge crush on. Stupid Cloud, for being so stupidly sexy. Stupid me, for sitting on my crush for so long when I had dozens of chances to make my move.
Well, at least it wasn’t all terrible. “Rainbow Dash?” I flicked out one of my wings, so I could hug Rainbow back. “Thanks. You're a good friend.”
“Of course I am. I'm awesome.”
“Modest, too,” I commented dryly.
To be honest, sometimes I wonder how much of Rainbow’s egotism is real and how much of it is just her putting on a show. Hay, maybe she was even poking a little bit of fun at herself, in a roundabout sort of way. Sometimes, I think Rainbow acts like that so we can all have a quick little laugh to disperse any tension that had been building up. I know there have been a few tense moments that calmed down because we all had a laugh at Rainbow’s expense. For a pony who always claims she hates complications, she could be surprisingly deep and self-sacrificing at times. I might poke fun at her and be a bit of a smartflank, but that’s just me being me. I know that deep down, she’s a good pony. No, scratch that—she’s one of the best ponies out there.
Or maybe she really was that self-centered, and didn’t get that we found her egotism amusing and even a bit endearing.
I probably didn’t have time to try and unravel the mystery of Rainbow Dash, though. Not when there were more pressing matters at hoof. “Any idea where Cloud went? I know she’s got a lot on her plate right now, but I really think I should talk to her before I get added to her list of problems.”
“Little late for that,” Rainbow groused. She scowled at nothing in particular for a while before continuing. “I think it'd be better if the two of you didn’t see each other for a bit. I mean, Cloud isn’t exactly thinking right at the moment, and if you two end up doing it again...”
It probably says something about me that the idea of Cloud and me having sex again didn’t sound like a bad idea. What can I say? Cloud’s been a terrible influence. Still, I knew Rainbow Dash was probably right. As much as I wanted to settle things with Cloud, right now I think we’d do less settling and more complicating. “Yeah, okay. We’ll do it your way.”
Rainbow took a deep breath and—to the amazement of anypony who knows her—actually took a moment to think about what she was going to say before she opened her mouth. “Look, Blossomforth, you're my friend. I mean, you used to be a pretty cool coworker, then you were the best friend of one of my oldest friends, but I like to think that you're a friend of mine now, too. It sucks that it’s gotta be like this, ‘cause I know I wanna be there for Cloud as much as I can. I wish you could be there for her too, but she's got a lot of stuff to work through and—well, you get the idea.”
“Yeah, I get it, you don’t need to try and win me over anymore. It’s just ...” My voice dropped down to a quiet, hurt little whisper. “I gave her my virginity, Rainbow. I wanna see her. Even though I know I shouldn’t want it, I do.”
Rainbow gave me a reassuring little squeeze with her wing. ”Yeah, I get that. Tell you what, let's just talk for a bit first. You and me. Okay?” She thought for a moment, and then broke her trend of being reasonably diplomatic for this conversation. “So ... looks like Cloud Kicker can't tease you about being a virgin anymore.”
Despite how crass, insensitive, and incredibly awkward the remark was, it still got an amused little snort out of me. “Yeah, there is that. She’ll need to find some new material.”
Rainbow let out a quick chuckle. “Don’t bet on it. I don’t think Cloud has many jokes that don’t involve banging sooner or later.” We both shared a quick laugh at my fillyfriend’s expense. I love Cloud to bits, but she can have a bit of a one-track mind sometimes.
Okay, all the time.
The laughter couldn’t last forever, though. Eventually, Rainbow started fidgeting nervously and shooting me faintly curious looks. Finally, the question all but exploded out of her. “What was it like?” I’m pretty sure Dash hadn’t meant to actually ask that out loud, because a moment later she was faintly blushing and refusing to make eye contact with me. “Just thinking, that must've been something. I mean, when Pinkie and I do it, it's gonna be way more awesome but, y’know ... it’s a thing.”
Was she seriously asking me that? I guess I couldn’t really blame her, though, given how curious I had been about it. It’s hard not to be when you’ve never done it. And when you’ve got a friend like Cloud, who would probably be willing to bang you whenever you asked...
Sure, Rainbow might have ruled out ever banging her years ago, but even when I was still telling myself that I had no romantic interest in Cloud, a part of me was just a little curious about what would happen if I said yes to her. Maybe Rainbow Dash was just a tiny bit curious too? Not that I expected anything would ever come of it. That door had been shut years ago, and she was with Pinkie now. Still, anypony might wonder about the road not taken from time to time.
On the other hoof, I really didn’t need Rainbow asking me for a play-by-play on my first night of sex. “Dash? No offense, but you're not very good at being comforting.”
Rainbow met my remark with a derisive snort. “You want comfort, get a pillow.” A second later, her face fell, and she spent a second studying the table before she mumbled out, “Sorry.” She took a couple deep breaths before she continued, “Look, I’m not a good ‘listen to your problems and be sensitive’ kinda pony. I’m trying, but this is kinda new ground for both of us, okay? I won't say anything else dumb, I promise. I just want to make sure that you're going to be alright, ‘cause I’m trying to be a good friend and stuff.”
“Yeah, I know.” It’s strange, but sometimes Rainbow’s well-meaning but insensitive fumbling could be a lot more reassuring than having a pony who could give you all the answers. It was oddly comforting, knowing that she was just as clueless as I was but still wanted to help. “Thanks, Rainbow, but I'll be alright.”
Rainbow scowled and shook her head. “Nuh-uh. Not good enough.”
Oh Celestia, what was going through that pony’s head now? With Rainbow, you never can tell. I suspect part of the problem is that it's not so much that she doesn't think things over as it is that ideas pop into her brain and then immediately fly out of her mouth. “Um, okay then. What are you going to do?”
Rainbow tapped a hoof on the table for several seconds. Well, she started off tapping, but each tap was a little bit harder than the last, until she was almost pounding on it. I guess her brain was still catching up with the promises her mouth had made. “Well, since Cloud isn't here right now, how about I make some breakfast? All I’ve had is some fruit outta the fridge, and I guess that you're pretty hungry after ... y'know. Stuff.” She gave a vague hoof gesture by way of explanation.
Now that she mentioned it... “Yeah, breakfast sounds good. Thank you, Rainbow.”
“S’no big deal.” Rainbow shot me a confident little grin. “You’ve never had a Rainbow Dash breakfast before, have ya? Trust me, just sit back and get comfy, cuz you're gonna have a totally radical breakfast that'll knock your pinions off!”
“Looking forward to it, though I hope you’re exaggerating about the pinions.” I’d only just finished growing them back after getting hit with the feather flu a couple weeks back. That had been a pretty miserable experience, even with Cloud playing nurse for me the whole time. Not even her sexy nurse costume had been enough to make me feel better—though it certainly hadn’t hurt.
“Cool, be right back!” Rainbow was out of her chair and halfway to the door before she paused and shot a look back at me. “I'll be done in five ... ten ... well ... just stay here!” She trotted into the kitchen, and shortly afterwards there was a cacophony of clattering pots and pans.
With how much of a racket Rainbow Dash was causing, I couldn’t help but wonder if her skills were up to the task of making breakfast. She’d never struck me as much of a chef to begin with, and as I’d learned the first time I tried to cook at Cloud’s house, there’s a big difference between cloud-cooking and ground-cooking. Nothing huge, but it’s usually the little things that trip a pony up. ”Rainbow, do you need help?”
“I got it under control!” Rainbow shouted from the kitchen. Right after she said that, the smoke alarm started beeping frantically. “Don’t pay any attention, it’s supposed to do that!” A moment later there was something that, judging by the sound, was either a whole bunch of pans crashing into each other or a relatively small explosion. “All part of the plan!” Rainbow shouted, a clear note of rising panic in her voice.
I was about to go in before Rainbow burned the house down completely when she finally trotted out of the kitchen. Her coat was covered in a thin layer of soot, and judging by the state of her mane, she’d been electrocuted at some point. Thin wisps of smoke were drifting off her tail, and she quite literally had egg on her face. However, she was also carrying a tray containing a pretty darn good-looking breakfast: pancakes, orange juice, hash browns, scrambled eggs, a muffin, and most importantly of all, haybacon.
“Huh.” I cocked my head to the side, carefully studying the food. Sure, it looked perfectly edible, but food could look good while still tasting awful. I took an experimental little nibble and found it surprisingly tasty. “Wow, Rainbow! This is really good. Who taught you how to cook groundside?”
“I made breakfast for Derpy enough times back when she was pregnant to get it down pretty good,” Rainbow helpfully explained. “Plus, breakfast for Dinky and Sparkler when I had to watch them for the night. My cooking’s even cooler when I can do all the work cloudside, but Derpy kinda helped show me how to use all the groundside stuff. So, dig in.”
She’d gotten some cooking lessons from Derpy? Well, that explained a few things. That line of thought only reminded me of the quick lessons on groundside cooking I’d gotten from Cloud shortly after we became friends. It had certainly left an impression: I knew far more than anypony should about what kind of foods could help get a pony in the mood.
Still, Rainbow’s food was surprisingly good. I just hope she hadn’t done too much damage to the kitchen in the process of making it.
Rainbow shot me a proud grin. “So, what do ya think? Is it a great breakfast, or is it the greatest breakfast ever?”
While I was quite aware of the dangers of feeding Rainbow’s ego, in this case she deserved a little praise. “It's awesome.”
Rainbow preened at the compliment. “Well, of course it’s awesome. I made it.” She smirked, then sat back down next to me. Shortly after she’d settled in, she swiped a few strips of haybacon off my plate.
I wasn’t going to argue with giving the chef a share of what she’d cooked, but losing any haybacon still annoyed me a bit. “If you were hungry you could've made a plate for yourself.”
“I could’ve.” Rainbow shrugged and finished chewing her current mouthful of bacon. “But if I’d made a plate for myself, then I couldn’t take any of yours.”
I stared at her for several seconds, trying to make sense of that particular bit of illogic. Finally, I gave it up as a lost cause. “You're a very strange pony sometimes.”
“Yeah, well, you’re friends—fillyfriends now, I guess—with Cloud Kicker. That makes you way weirder than I am.” Rainbow gave me a playful little nudge. “I mean, Cloud’s a super-weirdo, so anypony who hooks up with her’s gotta be at least as weird as she is.”
I snorted and nudged her right back. “You’re dating Pinkie Pie. You’ve got no room to talk about anypony having a weird fillyfriend.”
Rainbow glowered and grumbled, but she couldn’t really argue with that point. “Yeah? Well I sign your paychecks, so shut up.” Dash does have a habit of falling back on that whenever she feels like she’s lost an argument but is too proud to admit defeat. Naturally, she couldn’t let the discussion end on such a weak point either. “Also, Blossomforth? You smell. Like, really bad. Worse than Cloud, and she smelled like she’d spent a week in a brothel—and don’t ask me how I know what she smells like after that. What I’m saying is, go take a shower.”
Sometimes, I swear Rainbow doesn’t have a diplomatic bone in her body. Still, a couple quick sniffs confirmed that I did have a bit of a lingering odor. Despite the pleasant memories it conjured, I wasn’t wild about the idea of wandering around smelling like stale sex. “Yeah, sure, one shower coming up. I guess it figures I’d smell a bit after everything Cloud and I got up to last night.” I trotted off to the shower, hiding a smile at Rainbow’s gobsmacked expression.
After finishing the rest of my breakfast and then taking a shower, I found myself wandering around the Kicker compound, at a loss for what to do. Rainbow and Cloud had gone to the train station along with Cloud’s father to pick everypony else up. I wasn’t really in the mood to see Derpy right now. Not after what had happened last night. It just would’ve been too awkward, standing there and trying to figure out what to say to her so soon after I’d slept with Cloud. Not to mention that I was supposed to be giving Cloud space.
Oh Celestia, I had to keep Derpy from finding out I’d slept with Cloud. If that particular tidbit came out, it was a sure thing that the drama would kick back up again. That’s the last thing Cloud needed to deal with right now. She was burying her mother for Celestia’s sake. That particular line of thought somehow ended in me slowly drifting over to the graveyard. I guess it figured; the fact that Cloud’s mom had just died did hang over everything going on right now.
The Kicker family graveyard was a grim place, even by graveyard standards. I think it was just the blank, ordered nature of it all. The way every single grave had the exact same inscription: just the name of the pony and the words ‘For Equestria.’ Would it really have been too much for them to include a sentence about the pony who was buried there? When Cloud came back here to visit her mother, she should have something more to look at than just another headstone which looked exactly the same as every other one.
I guess it was no surprise that my eyes were drawn to the one grave that really stood out: Shadow’s. My curiosity got the better of me, and I started trotting that way. I only knew a little bit about her, mostly vague half-remembered stuff from what I’d learned about the Rebellion in school. In hindsight, I probably should’ve done a little research after I got close to Cloud. After all, it was a big part of her family history, and even if she wasn’t particularly devout in the Cult of Shadow, she was a member. I’d seen her icon once when I was helping her clean up.
The statue of Shadow Kicker certainly looked imposing. I guess whoever carved it must have really known their stuff, because it had this sort of presence to it despite being a chunk of inert rock. It’s hard to put into words; I guess the best way to describe it would be that if the statue just hopped off that pedestal and started barking out orders, I had a feeling everypony would follow them.
Studying the statue brought a lot of other thoughts to mind. I found myself wondering what Cloud and I would do about the Cult if we managed to work things out. If we wound up actually going all the way and stuff. Would she expect me to join? If we had foals, would she want them to be initiated into the Cult too? I wasn’t quite sure what to think of that. The idea of venerating one of Cloud’s ancestors, a pony who’d been dead for more than eight hundred years ... well, it was hard to deny that the whole idea was just a bit weird.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some sort of anti-religion pony or something. Aside from the occasional crazy who wants to worship Discord or something, most ponies who sign on with one of the major cults like the Cult of Shadow, the Unconquerable Sun, Harmony, or the like seem like ... well, like perfectly ordinary ponies. Granted, a few of the minor cults can get a bit bizarre; I’m still not sure what to think of a bunch of ponies hopping around in bunny suits to ensure a good zap apple harvest, especially since it seems like that actually works. Still, even if I think some of them get a bit strange, it’s not like it’s causing anypony a problem.
It was just that I’d never really seen any of those cults as something I’d like to get involved in myself. Maybe I’m too much of a cynic, or maybe I just hadn’t had anypony try to properly sell me on them. I wouldn’t mind getting involved in a religion if one really caught my eye—it was just that none have so far. Maybe none of them ever would. It wasn’t something I really thought about all that often.
The sound of a throat clearing behind me snapped me out of the vague sort of trance I’d been in while I stared at the statue. When I turned around, I found myself facing a vaguely familiar stallion. It took a minute to place him: he was one of the ponies who had stopped by to talk to Cloud’s father. He’d been there with her aunt, and while I hadn’t been properly introduced to him, the dappled black coat, white-and-blue mane, and general family resemblance to Cloud’s cousin Star made it a pretty safe bet that he was Cloud’s uncle.
It occurred to me that I was kind of monopolizing Shadow’s statue at a time when a lot of ponies who were actually a part of the Cult of Shadow might feel a need for a little spiritual guidance. I hastily stepped aside to make room for him. “Sorry, I was just—”
“It’s quite alright,” he reassured me with an understanding wave of his hoof. “Many ponies feel a need for guidance and comfort in times such as this.”
“Yeah, guess so.” Before I even thought about it, the words started spilling out. I guess I just had so much on my mind that anypony made a good sounding board. “I just ... Cloud’s really hurting, and I’m not sure how to fix it. I feel like everything I tried to do to help has just made things even worse than they already were. So that’s left me in a place where I want to help even more, but I’m worried that I’ll just make things worse again!”
Cloud’s uncle studied me for several seconds, a quiet, grave expression on his face. When he finally answered me, I was a little surprised by his response. “I think you’re worrying too much. Be there for Cloud; she’ll forgive any mistakes. Just do what feels right.”
Do what feels right? Well that was so vague that it was completely useless. “How am I supposed to know what the right thing is when everything’s so crazy and confusing?”
The stallion just shrugged. “Most ponies have decent moral judgement, when they actually stop and use it. The problems come when they let their emotions get in the way of what they know is right. Try to put those thoughts aside for the moment. Don’t think about what you want or how you feel. Just concern yourself with what you know is right.”
Huh. I wasn’t sure if I bought into his ideas about emotion and morality, but at the moment I didn’t have any better ideas on how to sort out my current problems. If nothing else, it was worth a try. So I closed my eyes and tried to put all of that aside for the moment. I tried not to worry about the fact that I was hurting, or that I was scared of making things worse again like I had when I slept with Cloud. Instead, I just tried to clear my mind of all that and focus on what really mattered: helping Cloud feel better.
That wasn’t something I could do on my own. Hay, to some extent, it was something nopony could really do. Her mom was dead, and nothing was going to change that. There were no magic words a pony could say that would take all that pain away. And if just being around Cloud would dredge up more issues, then that wasn’t an option. So what was I supposed to do?
The drama. This stupid relationship drama. That was where all the problems came from. So I should try and fix all of that. Clear up as much of it as I could so it wouldn’t bother Cloud. The problem was, I couldn’t do all of that on my own. A lot of the problems were just outside of my control, especially as long as Derpy was mixed up in them. I was pretty sure trying to talk things out with Derpy and telling her that I’d slept with Cloud would just ignite a whole new level of drama, which was the last thing Cloud needed right now.
Ugh. What was I supposed to do? It’s not like I could change Derpy’s mind or anything—I don’t have the kind of amazing social skills that would let me talk a pony around to my point of view. The only pony whose mind I could actually change was my own.
Wait a minute...
I was onto something there. Sure, I couldn’t fix all the problems Cloud had on her plate, but I could at least make sure I wasn’t adding any more. If I could sort my head out and get everything clear before Cloud was ready to see me again, then I could pretty much cut off any big drama explosions between the two of us before they even got started. Sure, it wouldn’t fix everything—not by a long shot—but it would certainly help.
Now I just needed to figure out who to talk to. It would need to be somepony who knew Cloud well enough to give me some good advice. Her family was an obvious first choice, but not one I could go with. Her father might know Cloud better than just about anypony else in the world, but he was also burying his wife right now. The idea of going to him and asking for help with my relationship problems was just ... no. That wasn’t an option. Not to mention the general awkwardness of discussing Cloud’s love life with her immediate family.
So it needed to be a pony who knew Cloud Kicker but wasn’t a member of her family. Rainbow Dash was the obvious first choice, but I didn’t think that would work. Sure, she wanted to help, but I’m not sure how good the advice would actually be. By all indications, Rainbow was already completely fed up with the relationship drama that had been going on lately. She didn’t want to be involved, and to be honest, I couldn’t blame her. I love Cloud, but there were a couple times when I’d been just a tiny bit tempted to drop the whole thing so I wouldn’t be mixed up in this mess anymore.
So, out of Cloud’s old friends, Rainbow wasn’t an option. Neither was Derpy, for obvious reasons. I suppose there was Lyra, assuming she was coming to Canterlot along with the others. But frankly, for all her talk about how being a Heartstrings meant she was expert on love, Lyra had never really struck me as a pony with good judgment. Not to mention she could be a bit flaky. Not in a bad way or anything; she was nice and friendly enough as a pony but still ... I just wasn’t sure going to her for advice on a life-altering decision like this was a good idea. I’d rather have somepony a bit more reliable.
That just left ... well. I guess she would work. Yeah, it would be horribly awkward and uncomfortable, but if I needed some advice on how to be loving, supportive, and sensitive with Cloud Kicker, there probably wasn’t a better pony in all of Equestria to give me a nudge in the right direction.
I was going to talk to Fluttershy.
There were several hours between that decision and when I actually had a chance to get to talk to Fluttershy. For one thing, the train from Ponyville hadn’t even gotten to Canterlot yet. Then there was the fact that Fluttershy was obviously going to want to spend time with Cloud, and then she would need to settle into the guest quarters the Kickers had set aside for us. I wasn’t surprised to learn I would be bunking with Rainbow Dash for the immediate future. I guess she wanted to keep an eye on me, just in case Cloud and I tried to jump back into bed again. I’d like to think I had enough self-control that nothing like that would happen, but Cloud can be very ... persuasive.
Stupid sexy Cloud Kicker.
Even after everypony had gotten settled in, I wound up putting my visit to Fluttershy off for several hours. Part of it was just plain nerves, if I’m honest. I didn’t really know Fluttershy all that well since after I’d moved to Ponyville I’d pretty much just been absorbed into Cloud’s social circle, which hadn’t included Fluttershy until recently. Plus...
Well, this is going to sound a bit strange, but Fluttershy can actually be rather intimidating to talk to. It’s just she’s so nice and timid that most of the times I talked to her, I wound up feeling like I was walking on eggshells. One insensitive or thoughtless comment could end up reducing her to tears and convincing everypony that I was some sort of heartless monster. After all, anypony who makes Fluttershy cry has to be terrible. She’s Fluttershy for pony’s sake!
Finding out about her history with Cloud Kicker hadn’t done anything to help matters, and finding out that she had been Cloud’s first love didn’t do anything to decrease her intimidation factor. Especially since I knew Cloud still wanted her, even after years and years. Worse, I knew I couldn’t fight over Cloud with her. I hadn’t gotten all the details, but I knew Derpy had done a stint in the doghouse just for getting a little snippy with Fluttershy over the whole ‘which one of us would end up with Cloud’ thing. There was just no way to win an argument with her; the instant you made Fluttershy sad, you lost.
But this wasn’t about me. I needed to talk to Fluttershy for Cloud’s sake, so I just needed to buck up and do it. If this was what it took to help the pony I loved, I could handle having a conversation with Fluttershy. I mean, what was the worst that could happen?
Dammit. I should really know better than to think things like that.
A few quick questions to passing Kickers told me where Fluttershy was staying. One aggravation with the whole Kicker compound was that while the directions I’d gotten seemed to have been perfectly clear to anypony who knew their way around, they weren’t so useful to a relative stranger like me. It wasn’t until the fourth time I asked somepony for help that I learned about how the various house numbers corresponded to the old fixtures of the original fortress the compound had been built around. Would it have killed them to just stick with traditional street addresses? Though I suppose I couldn’t exactly blame a bunch of nine-hundred-year-old pegasi fresh from the clouds and in the middle of a civil war for neglecting the finer points of urban planning. Hay, as I recall, most old-style forts had deliberately confusing layouts to throw off any attackers.
Maybe I’d just gotten too used to Ponyville. Between being a relatively new town and the fact that it was on a nice open plain instead of being perched on the side of a mountain, Ponyville had an exceptionally simple and easy-to-follow layout. Canterlot in general seemed to be a lot worse, since the city had a lot more time to deviate from any kind of plan, and being on a mountain meant a lot more work had to go into accommodating the terrain.
After a substantial amount of aggravation, I finally managed to get to the guest house where Fluttershy was staying. Maybe getting lost for a while was a blessing in disguise, because by the time I got there, I was too annoyed over my navigation issues to remember to be nervous about my impending talk with Cloud’s ex. Instead of hemming, hawing, and procrastinating in front of her door, I just marched right up and smacked my hoof on the door to announce myself.
Then the nerves hit, and I had no idea what I was supposed to say or do. I guess it was too late to worry about that now, though. I had vaguely heard voices inside right before I knocked, so I knew somepony was home. I just hoped Cloud wasn’t visiting Fluttershy right now, or the whole talk would be incredibly awkward before it even started.
Thankfully, when the front door opened I wasn’t face to face with Cloud Kicker, but Rarity. “Ah, Blossomforth. Hello, darling. If you're looking for Cloud, I'm afraid she's not here.”
For a long time I hadn’t been quite sure what to make of Rarity. Frankly, my first impression of her hadn’t been all that good. She came across as kind of a stuck-up, prissy, fashion prima-donna. Stuff like the way that accent sounded just a bit too refined and sophisticated to be genuine (especially once you met her family), or the way she just puts way too much effort into the constant primping. I could understand a pony wanting to look their best, but sometimes she takes things a bit too far.
I guess growing up an orphan left me with a big practical money-saving streak; I’m not a believer in spending time and effort to look good for every single little thing. Yeah, wanting a nice dress for a fancy party or something—or hay, just being in a mood to look pretty for one day—I can understand. But what kind of pony would want to slather on makeup or crawl into a dress that’s just going to get in the way for normal day-to-day stuff? It seemed silly and impractical to me.
I was a little surprised when she actually got the Element of Generosity. My (admittedly shallow) first impression of her certainly didn’t reveal any of that. I don’t think I really figured it out until I got to know Rainbow Dash a bit better, oddly enough. The thing about Rainbow and Rarity both was that, at first glance, they're not at all what you would expect to be exemplars of loyalty and generosity: Rainbow was hyper-competitive and had a huge ego, while Rarity came across as prissy, shallow, and incredibly self-centered. It took me a while to figure out just why they’d gotten their respective Elements.
It was funny, but you could almost miss the virtues they both had because they were just such an ingrained part of their nature that they didn’t really stand out. It’s not that Rainbow and Rarity are constantly running around thinking about how loyal and generous they are; it’s a matter of those virtues being so fundamental to their natures that they just can’t imagine any other way to act. That was the thing I’d gotten wrong about Rainbow, and probably Rarity too. Rainbow seemed to make a habit of massively showing off even while trying to be nice and considerate, like making a scared and upset pony breakfast while bragging about her awesome cooking skills. I would bet that Rarity’s the same way—that she’s not doing all her fashion stuff because she wants to show off how beautiful her designs are so much as that she does it because she wants other ponies to see how beautiful they are when they’re wearing her clothes. Or something like that, I guess.
But as interesting as she was, Rarity wasn’t the pony I’d come here to talk to. “Hello, Rarity. I was actually hoping I could talk to Fluttershy.”
That drew a surprised little blink from her, though she quickly covered it with a polite smile. “Oh, I see. And what might I ask did you wish to—no, I suppose that’s really between the two of you, isn’t it? Well, we were simply chatting. Please, come in.” She opened the door the rest of way for me, then trotted into the living room. “Fluttershy, dear? Blossomforth's here to see you. Is now a good time?”
I couldn’t quite make out what Fluttershy said from my position in the doorway, but it must have been an affirmative, because a second later Rarity stepped aside and waved me into the living room. Fluttershy was comfortably settled onto one of the couches and offered me a nervous little wave as I trotted into the room, although her face was mostly hidden behind her mane so she could avoid eye contact with me. “Hello, Blossomforth. How are you? Is something wrong with Cloud Kicker?”
“Hello, Fluttershy. There’s nothing wrong with Cloud. Well, nothing you didn’t already know, I guess I should say.” Best to get that particular worry out of the way fast, before Fluttershy started panicking and I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. She let out a relieved little sigh. I took a deep breath and got back to the reason I’d come here in the first place. “Look, I need to talk to you. About some personal stuff involving Cloud Kicker. So...”
Rarity, being a highly astute social butterfly, knew how to take a hint. “Shall I get you two some tea? And perhaps make a light afternoon snack to go along with it? I’m afraid we don’t have much, but I should at least be able to manage a few sandwiches—and if not, I can always make a quick run to the store for bread.”
I shot her a quick, grateful little nod. “Tea sounds great. Thank you, Rarity.” She didn’t need any further prompting to bustle out of the room, heading straight for the kitchen and producing not a peep of sound that might disturb us. It was certainly a welcome change from Rainbow’s earlier cooking methods.
I settled into one of the chairs opposite the couch Fluttershy occupied. For a few seconds, the two of us just sat there silently while I tried to figure out how to lay the whole situation out. For her part, Fluttershy was alternating between studying me with open curiosity while trying to look like she wasn’t doing so. Finally, she got to a point where she couldn’t hold back any longer. “So, what was it you wanted to talk to me about?”
Oh no. I was getting nervous about saying the wrong thing again. I didn’t really have a choice, though. I was already committed to the conversation, so it’s not like I could just turn around and bolt out the door now. I guess I had to just see this whole thing through—if I went and feathered it up, I would just have to do my best to fix it. Too bad fixing ponies is harder than fixing machines. “I need somepony to talk to about some things that have been going on lately between me and Cloud Kicker. And, well, you do kind of know her. And...” My voice dropped down to the quiet sort of mumble ponies usually associate with her, not me. “Well, you’ve kinda got experience and stuff. With Cloud.”
Fluttershy directed a disturbingly scrutinizing look my way, like I was one of her animals and she was slowly working out how I ticked. “Something happened, didn’t it?” She continued staring at me with that faintly puzzled frown of hers for several more seconds before she worked out all the pieces. “You're not a—” She abruptly cut herself off, presumably because she was trying to work out the most diplomatic way to bring the subject up. A pony didn’t need to be as timid as Fluttershy to be a bit uncomfortable discussing sex with a relative stranger. “You and Cloud did that, didn’t you?”
I let out a nervous little chuckle that, despite all the messy circumstances surrounding the whole thing, ended up sounding a little pleased. Even if my first time had been all kinds of emotionally confused and hadn’t been a good decision in hindsight, it was hard not to be a little giddy about the fact that I’d just had sex. “Yeah. We did that.”
That little bit of joy I had about losing my virginity to the mare I loved disappeared in a flash when I saw Fluttershy flinch down and let out a tiny little whimper at the news. I had a feeling she was trying not to show it, but that just made it stand out all the more. She followed that up with a painfully forced smile. “Oh. That's, um—that’s nice. So, well, congratulations, I guess.”
Thankfully, we were saved from massive awkward silence by the arrival of Rarity carrying a nice little tea set. She gave an annoyed little huff when she realized there wasn’t a coffee table or other suitable location for the tea set, but a little bit of telekinesis levitated a small end table over to the empty space between the couch and my chair. With that satisfied, Rarity poured a cup for each of us, faintly humming to herself all the while. She mixed a little milk and sugar into one cup, which she passed over to Fluttershy, then turned to me. “I don’t believe you’ve ever told me how you like your tea, Blossomforth.”
To be honest, I didn’t really know either. Tea wasn’t all that popular in Cloudsdale or Ponyville, outside of the ponies who were obviously trying to imitate Canterlot high culture. For that matter, Cloud was from Canterlot and she’d never seemed all that interested in it. Judging by one joke Lyra had cracked a while back, Cloud liked lemon in her tea. Maybe I could try that? Or what about…?
Rarity must have figured out why I was sitting there silently with a slightly panicked look on my face, because she decided to save me. “I found some absolutely lovely honey in the pantry. I tried a bit of it and quite liked it.” I gave her a quick, grateful nod, and she mixed some honey in along with a little milk.
Once both our cups were ready, Rarity passed each of them over and offered us a friendly little smile. “Well, just as I feared: it seems I’ll need to pick a few things up if we’re going to have sandwiches. So, I’ll leave you two to it and be back as quick as I can. I think I might pick up some scones as well, if I can find a good bakery.”
I took a quick, experimental little sip of my tea, and liked what I got. “This is great. Thanks, Rarity.”
“Yes, thank you,” Fluttershy murmured. I don’t think she’d actually even tried any of her tea yet; she seemed to be too busy looking at me with this thoughtful little frown on her face, like she was trying to figure out just what the hay she was going to do with me. I had dropped a pretty big bombshell on her, so I guess I couldn’t blame her for needing a bit to puzzle through things.
Rarity probably knew her friend’s moods better than I did, because she didn’t waste much time getting out of the room and letting us get back to our conversation. I had to wonder if she’d been listening in on us from the kitchen, because her arrival with the tea had been just about perfectly timed to smooth over an awkward spot in the conversation before she bustled right back out again. I guess I would know whether she was eavesdropping if her return from the bakery proved similarly well-timed.
For a while, the two of us sipped our tea while Fluttershy continued working her way through everything I’d dumped on her lap. I was starting to feel a bit guilty about bringing this to her, but if anypony knew how to help Cloud, it would be her first love. After we’d gotten about halfway through our tea, her eyes suddenly went wide, and she broke her silence. “Sorry about being so quiet, I’ve just been thinking. It’s ... this is an awful lot to think about, and I don’t want to say the wrong thing.”
“Yeah, I know.” Considering how nervous I had been about talking to Fluttershy in the first place, I had no room to complain about a pony wanting to think things over before they gave me an answer. “Sorry to bring it to you, but—well, I need somepony to talk to about this, and you’re...”
Fluttershy responded with a quick nod and a gentle, understanding smile. “Yes, I suppose I would know about Cloud and ... that.” She closed her eyes for a long moment and took a deep breath. “This isn't something you can brush aside and forget about. Um, if you feel like you need to talk to somepony, I’d be glad to help you, and this does seem very important. How do you feel about what happened?”
“Not so great.” I slumped down into my chair, taking another sip of my tea to buy time while I thought of the best way to explain. “I know she’s got a lot going on right now, but I haven't seen her since we did ... it.”
Fluttershy’s ears perked and her eyes widened just a bit, and there was an inquisitive little frown on her face. “She wasn't there when you woke up?” I confirmed that she wasn’t, causing Fluttershy’s frown to deepen. “That's not like her at all. When we, um—yes, she was always there for me.” She brought a hoof up and brushed her mane back, tucking some of it behind her ear so that it wouldn’t get in front of her eyes again. Now she was looking me dead in the eyes, and instead of seeming timid and unsure of herself, there was a quiet sort of determination radiating from her.
I realized something important about her just then. In hindsight it should’ve been obvious, given my experiences with Rainbow Dash and Rarity. I guess it must just be equine nature though; whenever we meet a pony, we want to immediately categorize them into a simple, uncomplicated little box. Rainbow’s an egotistical show-off who never thinks things through, Rarity’s a vain self-absorbed drama queen, and Fluttershy’s a complete doormat who’s so meek and timid a few harsh words could reduce her to tears.
The problem with those simple categories is that they miss the fact that ponies are complicated. Rainbow’s undyingly loyal, Rarity’s got a generous heart, and Fluttershy can be stronger than anypony gives her credit for. To be honest, when I’d first learned she and Cloud had been a couple, I was a little surprised. I mean—sure, Fluttershy is undeniably attractive, but I just didn’t see her personality clicking with Cloud’s. Cloud has a kind of bold fearlessness to her, while Fluttershy comes across as being scared of her own shadow.
Like I said, though, I’d misjudged Fluttershy. Just because she was usually timid didn’t mean she could never be strong. In a lot of ways, it just made her strength stand out even more. It’s just like all those old and terribly cliched sayings went: true bravery isn’t a matter of never feeling fear, it’s about always pressing on despite being afraid. By that definition, Fluttershy was the bravest pony in Equestria. That made it a lot easier to understand how Cloud could have fallen for her. Hay, if I’m being quite honest, it cast her in a new and rather intriguing light for me too.
Fluttershy met my eyes and gave me a gentle verbal nudge to get the conversation back on track. “Blossomforth, could you please tell me everything that happened between you and Cloud, from the beginning?” She blinked, and a small bit of her normal timidity returned. “Well, not literally the beginning of everything, but...”
“Yeah, start from where things are relevant. You know about the whole love triangle thing with me, Cloud, and Derpy, right?” She nodded. “Well, that’s been going on for a while, and Cloud and I have been kind of ... feeling things out. I mean, nothing crazy, but we’d kissed a few times and stuff. Even spent a few nights in bed together without actually doing anything.” I opted not to mention that I’d shared her with Derpy for one of those nights. Yeah, helping Cloud was more important than the whole stupid rivalry with Derpy, but waking up in bed with my romantic rival had been beyond awkward. Especially since we were spooning—obviously, I mistook her for Cloud in my sleep. “Anyway, last night we were talking about what happened with her mom, and then she started crying and I was trying to comfort her, and things just ... happened.”
Fluttershy subjected me to a new level of scrutiny with her stare. “Alright then. Who made the first move? Can you remember? Or did it happen before you knew it?” While she didn’t say anything, I had a feeling that if I had kissed Cloud first or come across as initiating things and taking advantage of Cloud while she was vulnerable, I would be in a for a world of pain. Fluttershy might be nice and quiet most of the time, but once she got riled up...
Thankfully, I hadn’t done anything that would earn her wrath. At least, I hoped not. “She kissed me first. She pushed most of the other boundaries first, too.”
Fluttershy nodded and finished off the last of her tea, then gently set her cup aside. “Okay. There’s just one more thing I need to know—sorry about the questions, but this is really important. Did she leave any indication of where she went this morning?”
“She told Rainbow Dash she was going to be with her family.” Fluttershy just silently nodded at that, and I felt another pang of guilt over complaining about my problems. “I know her family comes first at a time like this, I really do. But...”
“You still want to feel loved and appreciated after your first time,” Fluttershy finished for me. For a second she wore a fond smile and a slightly distant look crossed her eyes, like she was reliving an old memory. Probably thinking of her first time with Cloud. “I understand how you feel, Blossomforth. But you need to remember that just because she's with her family right now doesn't mean that you’re not important to her too. That's not her at all, she loves you.” A faint blush crossed her cheeks as she added, “Cloud and I, um, we talked about you a bit, after we ... yes.”
I tactfully decided not to ask what exactly they’d been up talking about after. Knowing Cloud, I wasn’t all that surprised to learn that her reconnecting with Fluttershy might have ended in sex. I’d figured out about five minutes after I met her that sex was a big part of how Cloud built up and maintained her connections to other ponies she cared about.
Fluttershy let out a pained sigh, her gaze darting out one of the windows for a bit. “I can tell she's hurting a lot so what I think happened between you two was her trying to reach out and get some love and support. Which is what she needs right now, of course. You just happened to be the closest pony to her at the time, so...”
Ouch. Being told that I was just the closest piece of meat available when Cloud needed to get her bang on definitely hurt.
A second later Fluttershy realized the implications of her words, and her eyes widened in horror as she scrambled off the couch and put a hoof on my shoulder. “No! Please don't take that the wrong way!” She took a shaky little breath and hastily amended her previous statement. “What I meant was that Cloud needed a pony who loved her, not just any random pony she found in the street. Don’t take this the wrong way, but don’t you think that if it had been Derpy or Rainbow or Lyra or me there instead, something similar would have happened? Or at least, that Cloud would have looked for that kind of comfort?” She hesitated, biting her lip and shooting an apologetic look my way. “I'm not trying to say that what you two had wasn’t special or that you don’t mean anything to her, but it happened at a time when she was in a very hurt and needy state of mind. That makes everything complicated.”
Much as I hated to admit it, I couldn’t really argue with Fluttershy’s reasoning. Cloud needed support from a pony she loved, but that pony didn’t necessarily need to be me. Hay, if it had been Rainbow who woke up instead of me ... well, I suspect Cloud still would have made a move on her, but Rainbow would probably have been a lot better at saying no. After all, Rainbow was already in a relationship, and she didn’t think of Cloud that way.
Still, it did sting a bit realizing I was just another name on the list of ponies she loved. It made me feel a bit less special. Especially since most of the other ponies who cared for her probably would have had enough sense to let her down gently instead of having sex with her.
Fluttershy must have guessed what was going through my head, because she gave me a gently reassuring little pat on the shoulder. “Oh, you shouldn’t feel so guilty about it. I understand how hard it can be to say no to her when she's hurting and trying very hard to ... um, be persuasive.”
Yeah, I guess she would know, wouldn't she? I kind of envied her, honestly. I mean, she had shared some huge things with Cloud Kicker that I never could. Not to mention she’d known Cloud before she was ... well, before she had most of the traits I associated with her now. I have a hard time imagining Cloud as a cute, relatively innocent little filly; to me, she’s always been my crazy, sex-obsessed friend.
I could kind of understand why Derpy had lashed out at Fluttershy, now. I mean, she just had so much more history with Cloud than I did, and the only reason they’d ever broken up was a tragic misunderstanding that had all been sorted out now. Frankly, if Fluttershy really wanted Cloud back, I’m not sure I could really bring myself to fight her on it. It would just feel wrong to stand in their way.
Fluttershy, thankfully unaware of what exactly was going through my head, just gave me a friendly little smile. “Don’t worry, Blossomforth. I know exactly how you feel. That uncertainty over whether it was right or wrong, or if you were bad for doing it.” She broke eye contact with me for a few seconds to intently studying the floor. “But I'm afraid there's no easy answer to it. You need to accept that what happened between you and Cloud happened. I think what's more important now is how you deal with the aftermath and that you treasure the good memories, even if things don’t go well later.”
“Yeah, I guess.” Ugh, now I was feeling even worse about bringing the whole situation to her. It felt like talking things out with Fluttershy was helping, but it also felt like I was opening up some old wounds. “Sorry about this, I really shouldn’t have bothered you about my own problems. It's just ... I really needed to talk to somepony who understood Cloud and what I was going through. The way I really wish I could have more from her, even though I understand why she can't give it.”
“You’re not mad at her, but the situation is just so painful and frustrating that you have to be mad at somepony,” Fluttershy finished for me. “And you don’t want to lash out at somepony who doesn’t deserve it, but you also don’t want to direct all that anger inwards.”
Ouch, sounded like there was some history there. After a moment’s hesitation, I leaned over and gave her a friendly little pat on the hoof. “Hey, Fluttershy? I’m really sorry about what happened with you and Cloud. I ... even if it meant that Cloud and I would never be together, I wish there was some way I could turn back the clock so none of that happened.”
Fluttershy offered me a sad little smile in response. “Thank you, Blossomforth. That’s very kind of you to say, but all that’s in the past now. There’s no way we can change it, and we’ve honestly all learned to live with it. We made mistakes and we suffered for them, but I think we’ve moved on too.” Fluttershy ducked her head as her voice dropped down to a worried little murmur. “Besides, we can’t afford to dwell on things that happened a long time ago when we have real problems to deal with now. Like you and Derpy.”
She closed her eyes in thought for a few seconds, then nodded quickly and decisively. “I don’t think you should talk to Derpy about what happened. Not for a while, at least. Cloud's going through a difficult time right now, but she's still the same wonderful pony I fell in love with all those years ago. Once things have settled down a bit, she'll talk to Derpy about it herself, and Derpy needs to hear it from her first. I just hope she doesn’t get too upset...”
“Yeah. I didn’t mean to hurt Derpy when I slept with Cloud. I mean, it was a foreseeable consequence and all, but thinking clearly was sort of impossible at the time.” I growled as I felt my frustration with the whole situation boiling over. It wasn’t supposed to be like that. None of this was supposed to be so messy, hurtful, and complicated.
“It's a harsh truth, but expectations never meet reality.” Fluttershy moved over to the tea tray Rarity had left behind and poured herself another cup. “I know what you mean, though. You wished it could have been just you two, without any complications. There’s nothing wrong with wanting things to be that way.” Her ears drooped down flat against her skull. “To be quite honest, I had my own expectations when I was with her.” She quickly waved away the apology that was already halfway out of my lips. “No, no, it’s fine. What happened between me and Cloud is long in the past. I'll never forget what we had, and at least we're in a much better position than we were before, so that's something to appreciate. I don’t want you to think I’m trying to stand in your way now. Cloud and I are old history.”
“Thanks, but you don’t need to worry about that.” Honestly, I was starting to wonder just why Fluttershy seemed to keep mentioning how she and Cloud were in the past. It was enough to make a pony wonder... Ugh. No, Fluttershy was going out of her way to help me, and I was getting suspicious of her. This whole stupid conflict with Derpy really had thrown me off. I just wanted to be done with the whole thing, before I got to a point where being angry and suspicious of every other pony who cared for Cloud Kicker became normal to me. The guilt made me apologize again. “Sorry if I'm being a burden, but it's just—”
“There’s no need to apologize so much. Ponies will start mistaking you for me.” Fluttershy offered a gentle smile along with that unexpected bit of self-deprecation. “I really don’t mind, Blossomforth. What you’ve been through is one of the biggest moments of a pony’s life, and nopony should expect you to deal with it by yourself. If it makes you feel better, I'm glad to be here for you.”
“Thanks, Fluttershy.” Dammit, why did she have to be so perfect? She was prettier than me, nicer than me, and had the whole Elements of Harmony thing going for her too. Maybe that was part of why I felt so self-conscious around her; when you meet your current partner’s ex, it’s only natural to start comparing yourself to them. And between me and Fluttershy ... well, I couldn’t quite shake the feeling that Cloud was trading down. “You really are a wonderful mare, Fluttershy. It’s a real shame about what happened with you and Cloud. I mean that. You both deserve to be happy. And you make each other happy.”
Fluttershy offered me a small, sad little smile. “Thanks, but...” She trailed off uncertainly, like there was something she was going to say, until she decided against it a few seconds later. “Is there anything else you needed to talk about?”
“I'll be alright, thanks.” It was obvious there was something on her mind, though. “Anything I can do for you? After you listened to all to all of my problems, it’s only fair that I return the favor.”
Fluttershy opened and closed her mouth a few times before she finally managed to work out what she wanted to say. “Could you just be there for her? I know it seems like she doesn't care about what happened between you and her, but trust me when I say that she does. She's just got so many obligations pulling her in different directions right now... Please be patient. Give her time. Until after the funeral, at least. That might seem like a lot to ask, but she really doesn't need extra complications right now.”
“I know!” I was a little surprised to discover that I was practically shouting at her. “I know she needs time and space, and there's too much going on for her to deal with me on top of everything else. I keep telling myself that pushing her to spend time with me would just be greedy and inconsiderate—that I shouldn’t burden her with more problems when she’s burying her feathering mom! But I slept with her! I gave her my virginity! That’s a big deal, and you’d think she could spare two feathering minutes just for me! Would it have been that much trouble for her to just stop by, let me know that she loved me, and we would talk more about this later?” I switched my voice to a passable imitation of Cloud Kicker’s. “‘Hey, Blossom. Last night was great. We have a lot to talk about, but right now’s not a good time. I love you.’ That’s all I want from her. Is that too much to ask? ‘Cause it sounds pretty damn reasonable to me!”
By the time I was done with my rant, I’d half-expected to find Fluttershy hiding behind the couch or just out the door completely. Instead, she was sitting calmly on the couch, sipping her tea like everything was perfectly normal. Then again, with all the care she gives her animals, she’s probably used to scared and confused things lashing out at her. That wasn’t exactly a flattering comparison for me, though.
Once she saw that I was done for the moment, Fluttershy set her teacup down and met my eyes. “If you need to vent, please do it now. It’s perfectly alright to say these things to me, but if any of this came out around Cloud...”
“Yeah, of course.” Now that I was done ranting, I felt a little guilty for subjecting Fluttershy to all of it. Sure, by this point I’d figured out that she wasn’t quite as fragile as I’d been afraid of, but I was still used to thinking of her that way. “Sorry you had to hear that, but I needed to get it off my chest.”
“Oh, it’s alright.” She leaned in, and her voice dropped down to a conspiratorial whisper. “There are times when I get terribly frustrated too. Once, back when I was having a bit of a misunderstanding with Rarity, I got so frustrated that I was screaming and hitting things.” Aside from that one time when she’d gone a little crazy, I had a hard time imagining Fluttershy screaming and hitting things. Then again, judging by some of the old stories Cloud told me while I was down with feather flu, sometimes Fluttershy had a very strange definition for things like screaming.
Fluttershy still looked a bit guilty after that confession of hers. “Well, I hope this talk helped you feel a bit better. Is there anypony else you think you could spend some time with while you're here?”
Oh. Well, I could take a hint. “Yeah, there are other ponies. I’m going to be rooming with Rainbow Dash for a few days. Sorry, I’ll get out of your mane now. It was just ... Rainbow’s a great friend, but I needed to talk to somepony who understood.”
Fluttershy let out a distressed little gasp. “Oh, no, I wasn't shooing you away! I only meant that it might be good for you to be with other ponies for a while to take your mind off things. I actually meant that—well, Rarity's been a wonderful friend for me and I'm sure she wouldn't mind an extra pony tagging along with us when we go out.”
“Oh!” Well, I’d completely misread the situation. “That sounds great, thanks.” I’d never really gotten to know Rarity or Fluttershy, but from what I’d seen of them today, getting to know them would be a good idea. They seemed like nice ponies, and they’d certainly been friendly enough to me so far.
So, in this newfound spirit of friendship, I decided it was time to do what any proper fillyfriend does when she meets one of her fillyfriend’s exes: exchange some harmless gossip and funny stories about our time with Cloud. At least, I’m pretty sure that’s how it’s supposed to work. That’s what ponies usually do in books and movies. Besides, I was a bit curious to hear some stories of Cloud back in Flight Camp. However, after last night too much of my brain was thinking of another topic entirely. “Hey Fluttershy? Back when you and Cloud were still a couple, did she ever do that one thing with you? You know, the one where she takes her tongue and—”
“Meep!” Oh Celestia, Fluttershy looked like she was about to blush herself to death. What the hay had I been thinking, asking a question like that?
“Sorry, sorry!” I sheepishly smiled and apologetically waved my hoof. “Cloud’s been a terrible influence on me.”
“Oh, it’s okay. That was just very ... unexpected.” She let out a high-pitched, nervous giggle. “To be honest, I’m still getting used to the way Cloud talks now. She was much more restrained when we were together. Not that I’m saying I don’t like her the way she is now, it’s just she’s ... different. So am I. We’ve both done a lot of growing up since Flight Camp.” She ducked her head, and her voice dropped to an uncomfortable little mumble. “And, um, about your question ... well ... you can actually blame me for that. I was ... um ... well ... we were in the middle of ... and I was trying things, and ... well ... it ... er ... happened.” Despite the flaming blush on her cheeks, Fluttershy offered me a tentative little smile. “But it made Cloud happy, so that was good.”
“Um, yeah.” I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks. “It—well, it definitely made me happy too.”
“Oh, um...” Fluttershy awkwardly rubbed her forelegs together, then gave me a painfully forced smile. “You’re welcome?” That earned a nervous and incredibly uncomfortable laugh from me, which just seemed to make her even more self-conscious. “I'm sorry... I made things awkward, didn’t I?”
“It's fine, Fluttershy,” I reassured her. “It was a mistake to bring it up in the first place.”
“Well, yes, but if I’d never found out that particular trick, or taught Cloud how to do it—”
I cut her off with an upraised hoof. “Fluttershy, you definitely don’t need to apologize for that. If anything I should be thanking you.”
Fluttershy’s eyes went wide in surprise. “Oh my. I didn't think it was that good...”
Awkward levels ... rising. “It was.”
“Oh.” A second later, I saw something I never would’ve expected. Fluttershy gave a tiny tail toss, and from the way her wings were shuffling I got the impression that they were just a little bit stiff.
...rising...
As the painfully awkward silence went on longer and longer, I started getting desperate for something to say; preferably something that could change the subject. So, as seems to be a bit of a running problem when I’m trying to start up a conversation, I wound up grabbing an awkward topic. “Cloud still loves you, y'know?”
Fluttershy had been busy studying the floor when I said that, and didn’t show much of a reaction to my words. I was starting to wonder if she’d just missed what I said when she very quietly answered. “I know.” She let out a sharp, frustrated little sigh. “And I still—no, that’s not important. I'm not important right now. She is. And you, and Derpy. You make her happy, and that’s the most important thing to me.”
On an impulse, I grabbed one of Fluttershy’s hooves and gave it a quick reassuring squeeze. “No, that’s not right, Fluttershy. You're important too. It’s not just me or Derpy who makes her happy. You make her happy.”
Fluttershy let me hold her hoof, offering me a sad little smile in return. “Thank you, Blossomforth, but that chapter of our lives is over. It’s for the best for everypony, even if...” She trailed off uncertainly.
I felt one of my eyebrows climbing up, and gave her hoof another reassuring little squeeze. “Even if what, Fluttershy?”
“Even if I ... I...” She closed her eyes, and took a few quick, steadying breaths. “Blossomforth, can I tell you a secret? You have to promise not to tell anypony—especially not Cloud Kicker.”
Well then. Whatever Fluttershy was about to tell me, it was big. Especially if she was that worried about not letting Cloud know. I was a little wary of promising to keep a secret when I didn’t even know what the secret was, but at the same time it was almost impossible to walk away now. I had to know what Fluttershy was going to tell me. I suppose if it was really something that horrible and I couldn’t convince Fluttershy on her own, I could just break the promise. Yeah, it would make Fluttershy mad at me, but if the secret was that horrible... “Okay, Fluttershy. I promise, I won’t tell anypony.”
“Thank you, Blossomforth.” She took a few moments to help her build up her nerves, then started talking, her voice so quiet and meek it barely qualified as a whisper. I almost didn’t manage to hear what she’d said at all. Almost. As the torrent of words poured out of her, I settled back onto my haunches, my jaw slack with surprise.
By the time she was done with her confession, I felt like my eyes were as wide as dinner plates. “Wow. Fluttershy, that’s ... that’s really something you shouldn’t be keeping from Cloud.”
Fluttershy’s ears pressed flat against her skull. “I know, but she’s happy now, and I can’t jump in and impose on you and Derpy like that. Cloud’s already happy—she already has two ponies. Please don't tell her. I’m alright now, really, I’m sure I’ll find somepony else who can help me—”
“No.” I firmly cut her off with an upraised hoof. “I’m sorry, Fluttershy, but not telling Cloud just isn’t an option. She deserves to know the truth. You know she deserves the truth.” I paused, and took a quick calming breath. “But you shouldn’t tell her now. It’s just like I’m not going to burden Cloud with my stuff. I think Cloud’s got enough to deal with and as big as this is ... well, it’s not like the news won’t keep a few weeks, until Cloud’s doing better.”
Fluttershy bit her lip, her eyes nervously darting around. “Well, yes, obviously I couldn’t tell her now. But I really think it’s better if she never knows. It’s just ... it wouldn’t be right for me to add to her problems like that. I’ve caused her so much trouble already—Derpy’s already hurt because of what Cloud and I did. If she finds out that it’s not over, that I—”
I didn’t even let her finish that thought. “No. Fluttershy, I know I said I don’t want to hurt Derpy, but that’s not the whole deal.” I took a deep breath and tried to decide on the best way to explain it. “Look, Derpy doesn’t have any kind of exclusive claim to Cloud’s happiness. Hay, unless something’s changed they’re not even seeing each other exclusively to begin with. Frankly, Derpy has no right to complain about the fact that Cloud’s love life involves ponies other than her after she agreed to an open relationship and never discussed going exclusive with Cloud. And the idea that she can lock us out, or that we shouldn’t be a part of Cloud’s life, just because it might hurt her feelings...” I shook of my head, a hint of anger coloring my next words. “No, that’s just not right.”
That’s when something big hit me.
Until recently, I’d been thinking more-or-less the way Derpy was—that I loved Cloud, and wanted her for myself. That sounded all well and good when I looked at things from the perspective of a pony who was going to have Cloud. But right now, thinking about how it must look to a pony on the outside, like Fluttershy ... it wasn’t all that nice. The simple truth was, there were a lot of ponies in Cloud’s life, and she loved every single one of them. The idea of Derpy trying to cut all of those connections and saying Cloud was only allowed to love her ... it just didn’t seem right.
But I’d been thinking of doing the same thing and asking Cloud to cut all those other connections she had. Granted, I hadn’t planned on killing all her friendships or anything—just insisting that she stop having sex with most of the ponies she called friends. But ... well, that’s just how Cloud works. I guess the best way to explain it is just that sex isn’t a strictly romantic thing for Cloud. It’s a love thing, yes, but there are a bunch of different kinds of love. It seemed like Cloud just used sex to express a few more of them than most ponies. And ... well, that was a part of who she was.
I guess it’s a little hard to explain everything that went through my head. The bottom line, though, was that when I looked at Fluttershy, I saw a pony Cloud loved. A pony she loved enough to express that love sexually. And I was ... actually, I was okay with that. I was willing to accept that Cloud had those kinds of feelings for Fluttershy. To put it crudely, I felt like I would be alright with sharing Cloud with her. There was room enough in Cloud’s life for both of us, even if it meant enduring Cloud’s inevitable threesome jokes.
It was just a bit disturbing when I realized that the idea wasn’t nearly as off-putting as it should have been. After all, Fluttershy was a former fashion model, and just an all-around sweetheart.
Stupid sexy ... Fluttershy?
Ack. Let’s just drop line of thought. My life was complicated enough already. I took a deep breath, then faced Fluttershy. “You make Cloud happy, and I want Cloud to be happy. That’s what really matters.”
Fluttershy answered with a tiny little nod. “I ... yes. I feel the same way. I want her to be happy. That’s all I’ve wanted for her for years. If you make her happy, then that makes me happy too.”
“Well ... huh. That’s good.” I gave her a nervous little smile. “I’m glad we cleared that up.”
“Me too.” Fluttershy’s smile looked even more skittish and awkward than I imagined mine was. I wonder if she’d had the same line of thought about Cloud and her love of threesomes.
Oh Celestia, things were getting awkward again. Now would be a really great time for—
“I’m back, and I brought scooones!” Rarity cheerfully singsonged as she breezed through the front door, killing the awkward silence once more.
Okay, that settled it. Nopony gets their timing that perfect twice by pure coincidence. She had definitely been eavesdropping.