The Drunken Hero
The town of Ponyville is a nice, quiet… Ah hell who am I trying to fool. Ponyville is not a nice quiet town in the magical lands of Equestria. If anything it’s the craziest place on the Equestrian map. Seriously, it can’t go one day without being attacked by some giant bear made from a star constellation or be overrun by parasprites. It is like a giant chaos magnet, which may actually exist, is under the town that attracts all this trouble. Trouble like this is only supposed to happen in stories and television but here it is happening to us.
Take last week for example. The Secretariat Comet passed by and all hell broke loose. The changelings attacked the town and lured the Elements of Harmony away while at the same time giant cockatrices stormed Canterlot and the princesses had to fight them off. You would think “hey, look the trouble is going elsewhere this time”. WRONG! That's right! Even with all this happening, trouble still found its way to our small town. Lucky for us we are not without other heroes that live in Ponyville.
You see, during the whole Secretariat Comet incident a mad scientist of a unicorn named Halastier harnessed some of the power of the comet to power a creation of his, a Robotic Alicorn or RA for short. He planned on taking out the Elements first before marching onto Canterlot and taking out the princesses. His plan however was short lived as the comet not only powered his RA but also gave it its own personality, and it wasn't nice. Where Halastier’s goal was conquest, The RA wanted nothing more than the destruction of everything it saw.
RA destroyed everything around him, including his maker, in his first few moment of being powered. From the smoking crater,that use to be a lab, he looked around and if you guessed that Ponyville was the first thing he saw, I would say… you're wrong.The RA actually saw a squirrel to his left first and immediately vaporized it with lasers that shot out from his eyes. Then it saw our small little town in the distance and flew in our direction.
It landed in the town square and shot its lasers out at the first building it saw.That building was the only tavern in Ponyville. The Cider Jug. However it didn’t move after the destruction. It just stood there, staring into the smoke. At first we thought it just shut down or broke, a blast like that takes a lot of energy, winding even the most gifted of unicorns. However it turns out it was still sensing somepony still alive in the smoke.
“That was *hic* a mistake.” A feminine voice said from within the smoke.
From the smoke came one of the more famous, or infamous depending on how you look at it, residents of Ponyville. She was an earth pony with a light purple coat and a dark purple mane. Strapped on her back was a wooden keg with two tankards, one on each side of her, hanging from it. For those who knew this mare, the mare known as Berry Punch, also knew that tonight was the one night of the week that she lets loose and get drunk.
“How am *hic* am I suppose to *hic* to finish drinking with the bar destroyed?” Berry said
“Inferior life forms will be… deleted,” the RA said in a cold monotone voice.
“Huuuuuuuu, that doesn't sound *hic* sound like get *hic* getting me a new tap”
The RA responded by shooting the lasers from its eyes… again. The beam hit Berry right in the forehead knocking her back causing her to roll backwards a few times. To everypony’s surprise we saw Berry got back on her hooves, a small black dot of smoldering fur could be seen in the middle of her forehead. A look of fury was now visible on her face.
“Now, Now I’m *hic* angry!” Berry said as she pulled the keg off her back.
“Life forms resistance to lasers high then calculated, switching to more primitive measures.”
The RA lowered its head and the horn that was on top started to spin like a drill bit. While the RA was doing that, Berry took one of the tankards she had and filled it up with the booze in the keg, from the smell it must have been pumpkin ale today.
“Ramming mode engaged!”
The RA started to charge at Berry, all the while Berry was chugging down the ale. Right before the RA made contact, Berry let out a battle cry and went to meet his charge with a headbutt of her own. The two clashed with a loud boom, Berry narrowly dodging the spinning horn of death by just a few centimeters as their heads connected.
“You may *hic* man be a super pow *hic* powered robot bent on killing us all *hic*, but it’s not *hic* not going to help you any because I’m *hic* I’m drunk. Strange isn't it.”
“Your statement is illogical and makes no sense”
“Berry - ” Berry said as she lifted one of her fore hooves up, readying it for a strike.
“Sudden power build up. scanning for-”
Berry’s hoof caught fire as she thrusted it forward into the metal chest of the RA.
“PUUUUUUUUUUUUUNCH!”
The RA was sent flying back by Berry’s fiery punch before it could finish speaking. The RA was stopped as it collided with on the the nearby home, yet it still stood strong as if nothing had happened to it. Then there was a sudden twitch of its head and sparks flew from its neck.
“Organic, no… Statement: Meatbag possess strange powers, activating… activating zero one five.”
The metallic wings of the RA started to glow in a blue light and it began to hover. Berry panting from her last attack went back to her keg and filled her tankard up again and began to chug the pumpkin ale once more.
“Statement: Meatbag’s strength found. Targeting alcohol container.”
The RA then started its approach, flying through the air at high speeds as it charged Berry and her keg. Berry saw the RA closing in and took one last gulp from her tankard, however she didn’t swallow it. Her cheeks were puffed out as she held the liquid in her mouth. She brought her hoof up and a small flame appeared. She waited till the RA was in range and spit the Ale out, causing a cone of fire to engulf the RA.
The RA’s, though mostly unaffected was thrown off course by the flames, causing it to fly over top of Berry and her keg.
“That *hic* that actually worked?” she said ,wide eyed in surprise.
The RA crashed in another house, however this time was having problems getting up. Berry seeing a chance to end this fight, quickly grabbed her keg and started running to the flying death machine, oddly only on her hind legs while carrying the keg with her fore hooves.
“This is for destroying the only *hic* bar in this town.” She yelled as she brought the keg down on the RA’s head. It’s head became nothing more than a flat piece of metal and sparking wires. She lifted the keg back up into the air.
“And this is for *hic* for making me scare the locals… again,” She said ramming the keg down on the body of the RA.
Though it didn't flatten the body like it did the head the damage was clear from the bent frame and sparking wires that the RA was destroyed. There was dead silence in the town as the dust started to settle. That silence was soon broken by the sound of a door slamming open.
“Momma!” A small pink filly unicorn yelled out as she ran into the street.
“Pinchy! You're supposed to be at your Grandmothers tonight!” Berry said clearly as if she immediately sobered up.
“But… But I saw you fighting the bad thing and...”
“It’s ok,” Berry said giving Pinchy a hug, ”you should know better than anypony nothing can beat your momma when she gets drunk.”
Pinchy just stared at her mother for a second before giggling in her mother's embrace knowing the truth behind her mother's words. All was well for the moment and a few “dawws” could be heard coming from the ponies still in their homes, myself included.
Then there was a horrific and loud roar coming from the distance. Looking in its direction we could see it, a giant green lizard, bigger than any dragon, was walking straight towards our town. Why couldn't Ponyville catch a break, just once.
“Pinchy. Go home and get my other keg. This night is far from over.”