//------------------------------// // Part 3 Pinkie Vs. Daily Life: Chapter 16 Pinkie Vs. Mr. Mumbles // Story: The Wheel and the Butterfly A Dan X Pinkie Pie Saga // by Justice3442 //------------------------------// The Wheel and the Butterfly A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 3 Pinkie Vs. Daily Life Chapter 16 Pinkie Vs. Mr. Mumbles -ooooooo- Dan sighed as he looked over the mangled mouse in Pinkie’s palms.   To her credit, she obviously wasn’t squeamish about vermin or even dead, mangled ones. To her detriment, she was looking at him with sad, pleading eyes and quivering lips. A look he had begun to associate with him having to do some bizarre, asinine task if he wanted his roommate to be more than a sad, depressing heap for the foreseeable future. “What is it, now?” Dan said in an exasperated tone, rolling his eyes. “I…sniff…I opened the door…sob…and I found this…whimper…ma-ma-mouse…” Pinkie choked out. “…And?” Dan said impatiently. Pinkie’s lip quivering intensified, “and…sniff sniff…IT’S DEAD! WHOUAAAAAAAA!” Pinkie turned into a fountain of tears. Dan buried his face in his palm and slowly dragged the hand downward. Thanks, roomie. Couldn’t have figured that one out without you. “Well, I can’t resurrect the dead! I mean…not without them becoming twisted versions of their former selves,” Dan replied. He shivered slightly as an unpleasant memory surfaced. “…I’m not sure they’ll ever clean all the blood off the pet cemetery….” Pinkie regained her composure enough to choke out, “We…sniffle…WE NEED TO HAVE A FUNERAL!”  Pinkie began crying once more. Dan threw his arms to the sides and looked to the sky in a 'seriously?' pose. Yep, bizarre and asinine.     He cupped a hand over Pinkie's mouth and stared into her watery, blue eyes. “Okay, I’m going to remove my hand. And when I do you’re going to calmly explain to me why we’re having a funeral for vermin.” Dan raised the index finger on his other hand and pointed at Pinkie. “Now I want you to focus here, you’ll be graded, and a bad score means you’ll be sleeping in the car for one or more nights.” Pinkie stifled her sobs and tears somewhat. “Understand?” Dan asked. Pinkie solemnly nodded and Dan removed his hands. “We…we need to have a funeral so the family can move on,” Pinkie answered Dan sighed. This is probably going to be another explanation about stupid animals in his world being even stupider in than the ones in her world…save Mr. Mumbles, who understs English well enough to read… “…Also, if the body isn’t laid to rest properly, the mouse’s spirit might seek revenge upon the living,” Pinkie added. Dan paused. Okay, yeah, that’s actually sort of a pretty good reason… Dan sighed, “Fine!” Pinkie’s expression brightened. “Really?” “Yes, really.” “Yay!” Pinkie said, taking her roommate in a hard embrace. In addition to his bones cracking, Dan felt something wet and viscous press against his back. “Oops…” Pinkie muttered. Still held tightly in Pinkie’s embrace, Dan fixed her with a ragefull stare, his lips pulled up into a sneer. “Pinkie,” Dan said through gritted teeth, his eye twitching, “did you just squish mouse guts against me?” Pinkie pensively looked to the side. “Ummm….yes?” she admitted, meeting his angry glare with a nervous smile. “… Do me a favor and find a box or bag or ANYTHING to keep that thing in and then wash your hands. I’m going to go burn this shirt then take a shower…” Pinkie nodded vigorously. “Sure thing, Dan.” -ooooo- Elise examined a tape measure carefully. “Alright Chris, that should do it.” She clicked a button on the tape measure and the tape slid back with a 'snap!' Chris smiled standing up and looking over the chairs that had been strategically placed. “You think that’ll do it for the load-bearing structures?” Elise unfurled a blue and white set of blueprints. “With the couch and loveseat at the ends, yes.” Chris heard his phone ring. He pulled it out of his pocket and answered it with a, “Hey Dan.” “Chris, I need you and Elise to come over here,” Dan replied. “Yeah, we’re kinda too busy for a venge…” Chris’s eyes went wide as he fully processed what Dan asked. “Did you say me and Elise?!” “No, I said ‘you and Elise’, what you should have said was ‘Elise and I’.” Dan shouted into his phone angrily. Elise rolled the blue prints up and looked up at her husband. “Okay…well, why does your scheme include both of us?” Chris continued. Dan sighed, “It’s not a scheme. We need attendees.” “We?” Chris asked. “As in ‘you and Pinkie’?” Elise smiled. Oh good. If Pinkie's involved it probably means something a bit tamer than Dan's usual rampage. And even if it is a vengeance run, Pinkie should keep acts of violence to a minimum... Elise paused as she dwelled on this more. Though, we may be looking at more property damage... Dan sighed louder this time, “Yes, she and me.” Chris smiled smugly, “I think you mean, ‘She and I’, Dan.” “No one likes a grammar Nazi, Chris,” Dan responded. It was Chris’s turn to sigh. Is it too much to ask I win won argument with Dan? “Attendees for what? Pinkie throwing another party?” “Actually, she’s throwing a funeral.” Chris looked concern. “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Who died?” Elise’s expression also changed to one of concern. Dan said something inaudible into the phone. “What?” “A mouse.” Chris paused, then started laughing. “Dan…chuckle…we’re not attending a funeral for a mouse.” Elise, likewise, broke into laughter. Dan put on a wicked smile and handed the phone to Pinkie Pie. “They seem…reluctant.” In an instant, Pinkie snatched the phone. “Oh Chris! You two have to come! You just have to!” “Pinkie? I…” “Because if you two don’t come the mouse might not be at peace, and if he’s not at peace, then his whole family might not be at peace!” “I don’t think…” “And if they’re not at peace, they may become distraught with grief! And if they become distraught with grief, they may commit mass suicide!” “Mice don’t…”  “And if we don’t have funerals for them, then their extended family might become distraught and that means more mice suicides! And then there will be dozens, hundreds, thousands of mice that need funerals and if they don’t get them they’ll never be at peace, and all those mice who can’t rest will rise up and then we’ll have an army of zombie mice seeking revenge upon the living for ignoring them and then we’ll need funerals!” Chris sighed as he replied to Pinkie, “Alright, we’ll be there…A funeral wreath? Uh-huh. Okay…Yes, we’ll dress up. See you soon…” Chris terminated the call. Elise was grinning from ear to ear. “He put Pinkie on the phone, didn’t he?” Chris looked up towards the ceiling with a frustrated grimace, hands balled into fists at the end of extended forearms. “You just can’t say ‘no’ to her!” Chris’s face went serious for a second, “Her logic is impeccable!” “Mouse funeral?” Elise said, trying to stifle more laughter. Chris hung his head. “…Yeah.” Elise put a hand on her husband’s arm. “I’ll get your suit…hehe…” -ooooooo- Knock, knock Dan opened the doo., “Chris! Elise! Come in, I only wish we could meet under better circumstances.” Dan motioned for his guests to come in. He was wearing most of his Mr. Moneybags outfit, opting to leave out the mustachio and top hat for this somber occasion. “We saw each other, yesterday, Dan,” Elise said flatly. Chris came in, dragging a large funeral wreath in with him. Elise followed, holding a bouquet of white lilies. She had opted to dress in her black dress and even went so far as to wear a black veil. The small group stood in front of the still erect ‘Fort Dan Pie.’ “Hey Dan,” Chris began, “I hope…” Chris and Elise stopped and stared at Pinkie. She was holding a shoebox that she had obviously decorated herself given all the colorful stickers, bedazzle jewels, and glitter pen messages of 'We’ll miss you!' with the ‘i’s dotted with hearts. What was strange was that she was wearing jeans and one of Dan’s black 'JERK' t-shirts. “I don’t own anything black…” Pinkie explained. Elise tried to stifle a laugh and turned to Dan. She handed him a CD case. “Here, I thought this would be appropriate music for the deceased.” Dan looked down at the 'deadmau5' album, then looked up, lowering his eyelids slightly, “You bought this on the way here, didn’t you?” Elise lips pulled up into a smile desperately trying to hold back laughter. “Totally.” “Funeral music is no joke, Elise. You should respect the dead.” “Dan,” Chris began, “you played ‘Ding Dong the Witch is Dead’ at your grandma’s funeral.” “Which old witch?” Pinkie asked. “The wicked witch!” Dan answered. Elise couldn’t take it anymore, she burst into fits of laughter, doubling up on herself. Pinkie frowned. “Elise! This is serious.” Elise looked up, smile still plastered on her face, and put a hand on Pinkie’s shoulder. “I’m sorry…they’re…hehe…laughs of…pffffft…sorrow…bwahahahahahaha!” “Oh,” Pinkie responded. She attempted laughter but it came out as a flat “Ha ha ha ha ha ha…” She paused before saying “...Yeah, that just feels icky to me.” Dan put a hand on his roommate’s shoulder. “Would you like us to say some words for the departed.” He asked with a sympathetic look on his face. Pinkie smiled warmly at him, “That would be very nice, Dan.” Tears began to form behind her eyes. “Thank you,” she squeaked out. Dan nodded. “Elise? You’re up.” Elise immediately ceased her laughing. “Me?! Why me?!” Dan grinned a malevolent smile. “You’re clearly the most griefstricken of us.” Pinkie nodded in agreement. “That was the most 'sorrow laughter' I’ve ever heard!" Pinkie thought for a moment. "...Also the only 'sorrow laughter' I’ve ever heard.” Elise nervously looked from side to side. “Uh…Mousy was a good mouse…always running…great at avoiding carving knifes… he lived a nice, full life of eating cheese before it was cut short by…cut short by…” “Mr. Mumbles eviscerated him and left him at our doorstep,” informed Dan. “Yeah…that.” Elise said, pointing an index finger into open air. “How did you know his name was ‘Mousy’?!” Pinkie asked, wide eyed. “Just a hunch!” Elise said, nervously grinning. “Alright, Chris. You’re up.” Dan said. Chris put a fist up to his mouth and cleared his throat, “Friends and loved ones of the deceased, we are gathered here today not only to say goodbye to our dear, dear friend, but to come together and honor the memory of one who enriched our lives with their very prese…” “LAAAAAAAAAAAME!” Dan interrupted. “Dan! I worked very hard on that, and…” Dan turned to Pinkie. “Would you like to say some words?” “Hey!” Chris protested. Pinkie nodded. “Mousy? I know you can hear me as your wrathful spirit is no doubt floating about, plotting it’s terrible vengeance on Dan’s cat. But we want to remember you as the quiet little mouse that you were. And although we know you desperately would like to remain on the mortal coil, Dan has informed me that he totally knows the number of The Real Ghostbusters. And I’ve watched the documentaries…" Pinkie paused before adding, "They’ve taken out a Sumerian god!" in an impressed sounding tone. "So please accept this offering of flowers and be at peace.” Elise collapsed to the floor as hysterical laughter escaped her mouth. Pinkie sighed. “It’s OK Elise, we’ll make it through this together,” she said resolutely. Pinkie looked at her roommate. “Dan?” To Chris’s surprise, Dan produced a worn Bible and opened it up to a bookmarked page. Elise stood up and quietly observed.  “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.” Dan began, in a dramatic tone. “He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.” Dan motioned with a flat, even palm. “He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.” Dan clutched a hand to his heart and looked up to the ceiling. “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.” Dan shook a fist within inches of his determined looking face. “Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:”—Dan’s fist shaking intensified—“thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.” Dan opened his fist as his head bowed slightly “Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.” Dan closed his Bible and added a small “Amen” which Chris and Elise echoed. Pinkie was crying. “That was…sooo beautiful!” she said. The four went silent. “So ummm…What do we do with the box?” Chris asked. Dan and Pinkie exchanged glances. Pinkie’s face flushed with embarrassment. “We uh…didn’t think about that…” she admitted. There was the sound of scratching at the door. “Meow.” Dan opened the door to reveal Mr. Mumbles, a small, brown, dead, mangled bird sitting next to her. Dan, Chris, and Elise’s faces went pale and they slowly turned to look at Pinkie. Box still in hand, Pinkie slumped her shoulders and looked down. Mr. Mumbles trotted over to her. “Meow?” She turned on her back exposing her belly. Pinkie slowly passed the colorful shoebox to Dan. “I give up.” Pinkie announced quietly, bending down to scratch Mr. Mumbles’s belly. “Whoa, really?” Dan asked. “Just like that?” Pinkie nodded. “I’m afraid even I don’t have the energy to hold a funeral for every animal Mr. Mumbles sends to the afterlife.”  Pinkie continued scratching Mr. Mumbles, “She’s just sooo cute! Oh whosa cutie kitty murder machine? Whosa cutie kitty murder machine? Whosacutiekittymurdermachine? Oh yes you are, yes you are,”—Pinkie shifted from cute baby noises to full on screaming.—“YES YOU ARE! YES YOU ARE!” “What about…” Chris motioned with his head to the dead bird. Pinkie sighed, “Dan could you throw the bird in with the mouse?” “Uhh…sure.” Dan eyed the mangled bird pensively. Elise rolled her eyes, grabbed the bird by a wing. She swiftly opened the box, placed the corpse inside, and closed the box after it. Dan smiled. “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust!” he said, opening the door to the apartment and walking outside. “Where you taking it?” Pinkie asked. “Dumpster!” Dan called back. Elise and Chris turned to Pinkie. “Are you sure you’re okay with this?” Elise asked. Pinkie glanced up, a side of her lip pulling up as well. “Eh,” was all she had to offer. Pinkie looked back at her two friends with a smile. “Now who wants cake?” Chris’s eyes went wide. “You have cake?! Why didn’t you say so in the first place?!” Pinkie lightly scratched at her face with her index finger. “Sorry. Must have slipped my mind.” Pinkie opened the fridge to reveal the whole thing was filled with baked goods. Chris dropped to his knees and slowly extended his palms out. Everything looked delicious. Even by non-Chris standards. “Pinkie, where did all this come from?” Pinkie rubbed the back of her head. “I’ve kinda been on a baking frenzy ever since I started grocery shopping…” Pinkie grabbed a multi-layered chocolate cake and handed it to Chris who eyed it with glee. “Dessert time?” Dan asked, walking towards the sink and washing his hands. Pinkie strategically searched the fridge, pulling out a colorful cupcake and handing it to Dan. “Yepper!” she replied. Dan gleefully took it and dug in as Elise washed her hands. “You think the bird will seek vengeance on us?” Pinkie asked, grabbing plates from a cupboard. Dan shrugged, “doon worrry ‘bout it.” He said through a mouthful of cupcake. -ooooooo- The night was still. Like a predator in the darkness of a deep forest, quietly waiting for the perfect moment to strike unsuspecting prey. Slowly, the lid to the dumpster began to rise. Beady red eyes flashed in the darkness. A tattered wing slinked out from the shadows, and raised the lid more. Slowly, the eyes moved forward into the moonlight, a small, yellow beak broke through shadow, followed by the rest of the tattered face of the once living bird. Half of its face was simply black blood caked onto a skull. “Cheep, Cheep!” It cried to the night. It would not dwell in that box of dead, squashed mouse. Nor would this stinking land of garbage be its tomb. It would have revenge. It would feast on… “Cheeeeeeeeeeeeep!” The undead bird uttered a startled cry as a liquid sprayed out and made contact, the substance causing its very body to smoke and fall away. It stumbled back into its refuse sarcophagus and fell dead...er as the liquid ate away at its body.  Dan moved the squirt gun towards his lips and blew on the barrel. “Holy water, huh?” Pinkie asked. Dan twirled the gun in his and holstered it in his jeans waistband in a swift movement. “Yep.” “Neato!” Pinkie said. “Teach me?” she asked with a hopeful smile.  “Do you think you can bless salt in the name of the Father Almighty, recite a psalms’s worth of scripture, exorcise creatures of water by invoking a prayer of Solomon, and buy bottled water despite the fact that tap water is perfectly safe to drink and is practically free?” Dan asked. Pinkie smiled and shrugged. “I have no idea!”  Pinkie said cheerfully. “Well, let’s find out," Dan said as the roommates turned and started walking back towards their apartment.