//------------------------------// // The Road to Tartarus is Paved with Parasprites // Story: There Goes the Neighborhood // by Prak //------------------------------// Prelude The Road to Tartarus is Paved with Parasprites Some ponies said that trains were the best thing that ever happened to Equestria. Others thought they were just noisy things that took all the joy out of traveling and interrupted perfectly good naps when they blew their whistles. But really, who cares what Granny Smith thought? The important thing was that trains had connected Equestria in a way previous generations had never thought possible. The largest hub for the train network was established in Canterlot, of course. It only made sense for it to be the lynchpin of rail travel in Equestria, given that it was right in the center of the nation. The fact that the glistening city on the mountain was the seat of the nation's government, as well as home to the princesses, hardly needed to be pointed out. That's not to say the planners didn't point it out. They did. It was their only argument, in fact. For some inane reason, nothing besides the convenience of royalty ever seemed to factor into their ideas. Princess Celestia had to point out the obvious practical aspects of the plan herself, for which she was endlessly praised by sycophantic nobles and sycophantic engineers alike. She sometimes thought that in addition to having the abilities of earth ponies, unicorns, and pegasi, alicorns must have also been gifted with a monopoly on logic. All that aside, trains had improved life throughout Equestria. Goods moved more quickly on them, ponies were able to visit distant relatives with ease, the national economy expanded, and best of all, a certain pompous prince was able to travel to his vacation home in Los Pegasus twice as often, giving the rest of the palace a much-needed reprieve from his insufferableness. However, the abstract forces that govern the universe can't stand an imbalance, and when something particularly good is brought into the world, it has to be used for something horrific. Therefore, it was the arrival of a train that heralded Canterlot’s doom. Of all the perils that had ever threatened to topple the marvel of gravitational defiance that most ponies thought of as a mere city, this one was easily the most innocuous: much more subtle than a bomb, more difficult to detect than a horde of hungry changelings, and far more destructive than both of them combined. It was a small wooden box, riddled with tiny holes, sealed by a metal lock, and carried in the magical aura of a unicorn stallion whose name is of no importance. * * * * * The unicorn was blue beneath a layer of grime, and his unkempt yellow mane still bore the shattered remnants of leaves and twigs. His return trip from the Everfree Forest by way of Ponyville had mostly been a quiet one, for the other passengers in his train car had been careful to sit at the other end and spoke mostly in whispers—probably about him—but their opinions didn't matter. He had his prize, after all. He comported himself with quiet dignity as he made his way down the darkening streets, holding his head high and keeping his gaze focused directly ahead. The other unicorns stared in horror at the dirt in his coat as passed, probably convinced that instead of harmless earth, it was a flesh-eating cousin of pony pox. Though his destination, the Canterlot Museum of Natural Magic, was already closed for the night, it had a guard to let him in. It was possible that the guard had other functions, such as keeping intruders out, but that didn't matter at the moment. “Evening, doc,” an imposing gray stallion said gruffly. Night Watch was good at his job, no doubt, but he would much rather spend his time studying for his third attempt at joining the royal guard than opening doors. It was the parts about protocol around nobility that always got the better of him. “Don't mind me, Night. I'll be out of your mane in a few minutes. Just have to drop off this new specimen.” The guard nodded his acknowledgement and trotted back to the reception desk, returning to page 4190 of Simplified Rules of Courtly Etiquette as the wildlife researcher made his way to the basement. The laboratory was relatively large, but specimen crates left precious little space to walk. Thankfully, the new one was small enough that it could take up the remaining space on one of the tables instead of being in the way. After setting the box down, he checked on its contents one last time. “Still sleeping,” he muttered. “Good. You have a big day tomorrow, little friend. We'll be putting that appetite of yours to the test.” Years later, he told his old college roommate, Mad Science, about that particularly unfortunate statement, leading to the development of the world's first irony detector, which dramatically increased the warning time before unfortunate events inevitably followed such statements. For the moment, however, he was content to go home and clean himself up, get some rest, and try to not have nightmares about being chased by a manticore. * * * * * Soon after the pony left, the creature in the cage stirred. Its round yellow body rolled upright and took in its surroundings as it fluttered its delicate insect-like wings. The last thing it remembered was chewing on a rock in the forest before suddenly losing consciousness, then waking to find itself surrounded by wooden walls. Of course, it had priorities, and assessing its new environment was of little importance in its tiny mind. What mattered was the hunger. It hadn’t eaten in half a day, which was half a day too long. Fortunately, the wooden cage around it looked positively delectable. Miles away from the impending calamity, its unwitting architect was sleeping peacefully. Since becoming an alicorn and a princess, Twilight Sparkle had been forced to make a few changes to her lifestyle. While she retained her home and position as Ponyville's resident librarian, she also had to spend time in Canterlot, learning the ins and outs of her royal duties. Every Tuesday, she left Spike in charge of the library while she spent the day with Princess Celestia. Of course, Princess Twilight now had her own regiment of guards, and they were adamant about staying close to her. However, she was just as adamant that nopony should be made to feel like a criminal for visiting a library, so her guards had to settle for stationing a few pegasi on clouds above the library. Their days were spent staring down at the streets, looking for potential danger and generally being bored out of their skulls. Their nights were spent striking intimidating poses in an ongoing competition to see which of them would make the best gargoyle. As the first rays of sunlight pierced her window, Twilight's eyes fluttered open in response to the buzzing of her alarm clock. She reached out with a lethargic hoof and turned it off, then sat up, yawning. The pitter-patter of clawed feet on the stairs told her that Spike was already on his way to the kitchen. One by one, the items on her checklist were marked off, and after a bath, two cups of coffee, and a few minutes for grooming, she was ready to face the day's greatest challenge: her royal regalia. Staring at her gleaming golden nemesis, she steeled herself for the aggravation to come. The crown wasn't particularly bothersome (a bit on the heavy side though) and she rather liked the necklace. The real problem was those shoes—those accursed uncomfortable shoes. It always took her several minutes just to align them properly, and once they were straight, they dealt out punishment for her meticulousness by pinching her fetlocks mercilessly. After a few minutes, she was in just the right amount of pain to know she had gotten it right. There was still an hour remaining before court was to begin, but first she would get to enjoy her favorite part of the day: breakfast with Celestia and Luna. It always followed the same routine: some small talk, a few tasteful jokes, a few pointers from Celestia about courtly etiquette, a few disagreements from Luna. They would enjoy some delicious food together, and then Celestia and Twilight would excuse themselves to conduct court while Luna retired to her bedchambers. As Spike waved goodbye, Twilight visualized her destination in Canterlot. Familiar magic flowed through her horn and spilled forth from its tip, twisting space into something that resembled one of Pinkie's most ambitious experiments with pretzels. Then, with a pop and a flash of light, the spell completed, and she was in the gardens outside the royal castle. She turned to face the table where the other princesses were no doubt waiting for her. No princesses. No table. No hedges. No statues. No east wall of the castle. Just a disturbingly familiar buzzing and unusual brightly-colored spots floating through the air. A loud rumbling assaulted Twilight's ears as her mind frantically tried to sort through the implications of what she was seeing. She took to the air and stared at a plume of dust and smoke rising from the city; a building had just fallen. Ponies were fleeing through the streets as swarms of the colorful insect-like creatures descended upon one building after another. The guards were out in force, herding the masses toward the train depot. As she flew closer, she could hear Luna making liberal use of the royal Canterlot voice to direct the evacuation. Celestia soon flew into sight, and with every flash of her horn, several of the pests fell from the air. Wait a minute, she thought. I’ve seen this before. Parasprites eating a city… “Oh dear.” As she focused on slowing her breathing and brushing down errant locks of her mane, which were springing up like weeds, her eyes were drawn to Discord, who was swooping between buildings and cackling like a madpony, smacking parasprites out of the air with a croquet mallet. With a final sigh, she smiled faintly and gathered her magic for another teleportation spell. For once, I’m glad he’s here, Twilight thought as energy swirled up through her horn. I’ll definitely need his help. And at least there’s a bright side to this. When Princess Celestia sends me back to magic kindergarten, I might not have to wear these shoes! The morning had started well enough. As usual, Celestia was groggy when she woke up, but half a pot of coffee cleared her head enough to start the day in the most literal sense possible. It was well-documented that Celestia was a morning pony, full of energy from the moment the sun rose. Unfortunately, she always had to wake up before sunrise. As she stepped out onto her balcony to usher in the dawn, her thoughts drifted to the part of her day she most looked forward to, the time she would soon be sharing with Luna and Twilight. At that moment, however, Luna was still in her chamber, alternating between dreamwalks and paperwork. At the appropriate time, she would lower the moon from there. Twilight probably wasn't even awake yet. Looking out across the sleeping city, she kept a careful eye on the moon, waiting for Luna's magic to grip it and force it below the horizon. The sun, in contrast, had to be coaxed into position carefully. After all, any idiot could push a rock, but it took real talent to grab a ball of burning gas and steer it properly. Still, the things her sister did with the stars were well out of her reach, even after a thousand years of practice. As Celestia waited and enjoyed the tranquility of the sleeping city beneath her, a servant brought her first cup of tea for the day. Hm. Peppermint, she thought as she took her first sip. It's delicious, but I think I would have preferred something with caffeine this early. If the universe could speak, it would have said, “Not good enough for you, huh? Take this, you ingrate!” A loud rumbling in the distance broke her concentration, sending the teacup crashing to the floor. With a small whimper for her lost beverage, she turned her attention outward to find the accursed distraction which had robbed her of it. At that moment, Luna’s magic flared to life and wrestled the moon into the other half of its orbit. She wasted no time in moving the sun, casting light over the city to reveal a column of dust rising into the air. Something about the column was strange though. Why is the dust so colorful? She continued to stare at it, a sense of familiarity tickling the corners of her mind. I know I've seen something like this before, but where was it? Ah, yes. Fillydelphia. I saw something just like this that time they got infested with… Oh no. Taking wing, Celestia quickly caught up with a flight of three pegasi on patrol over the castle grounds who had stopped to stare at the destruction. Pointing a hoof to one, she said, “I want you to go to my sister’s chambers. Tell her parasprites have infested Canterlot and I need her help to deal with it. As for you two, you will alert the rest of the guard. I am ordering full mobilization. I underestimated these creatures the last time I saw them, and I refuse to allow them to do as much damage here as they did to Fillydelphia.” As the three pegasi flew off to their appointed tasks, Celestia turned toward the city. The sprites were spreading out and had already infested several blocks, but she had brushed up on effective countermeasures after the debacle in the east. First, I’ll need to render all the food in the affected areas inedible. And this time, I know just the spell. Her horn ignited in a golden glow as her magic weaved itself into the desired form. She was nearly prepared to release it when she was distracted by the sound of metal being torn. Her spell already ruined by the loss of focus, she redirected the magic into levitation and examined her crown. A pink parasprite had taken a bite out of it and was happily chewing a mouthful of gold. Celestia cast a quick repulsion cantrip, which sent the winged pink ball sailing into the distance as she took a proper look at her surroundings. A nearby baker was trying to shield a tray of muffins from them, but the parasprites just ate the tray and ignored the baked goods. A street vendor’s cart had been devoured, leaving all of its edible contents strewn across the ground. The Princess of the Sun, Bringer of the Day, sovereign ruler and protector of Equestria and all its citizens, raised her head to the sky and, with the full power of the royal Canterlot voice, called upon the one being who could conceivably do something so deranged. “Discord!” In a sudden flash of light, she was joined by her ancient nemesis, the spirit of chaos and disharmony, sporting a bright blue shirt with a floral pattern, and licking the head of a very confused cat that had been unceremoniously forced into an ice cream cone. “Fix this, Discord,” Celestia growled. While stroking his beard with a talon, appearing to be deep in thought, the draconequus simply said, “No.” Celestia stamped her hoof on the ground and glared at him. “You promised you wouldn’t do things like this anymore, Discord!” His face contorted into a mischievous grin as he leaned down to her, looking her directly in the eye. “And I’ve kept my promise, Celestia,” he said. “As much fun as this is, it isn’t my doing.” * * * * * An hour later, Celestia’s horn was no longer glowing brightly as she cast spells; the aura was barely visible. Instead of stunning dozens of sprites at once, each attack was only immobilizing a few, five or six if it was a lucky shot. Each flap of her wings grew heavier as her magic dipped toward the threshold needed to maintain flight. Luna was in just as much trouble. Under her very loud direction, the city’s evacuation had mostly proceeded smoothly. The train depot had been shielded and ponies were packed onto every train that could leave, headed for every corner of Equestria. However, prolonged shouting eventually gets to everypony, even princesses. Her voice was nearly gone. Discord, meanwhile, was having the time of his life. He swooped between the ruined buildings, swatting at parasprites with dangerous-looking objects that turned out to be paradoxically non-lethal. Around his neck, he wore a lei made of sprites, their wings fused together by his magic. In his paw, he held a golf club which had been a giant flyswatter only seconds earlier. His talon held a paddleball game made from a tennis racquet and a cluster of the pests held together by glue. Celestia jumped as somepony else teleported to her side. “Oh. Twilight,” she said, breathing heavily. “I’m glad you're here.” “Princess Celestia, how bad is it?” Celestia's answer was cut off as another building collapsed next to them. “Right. Pretty bad,” Twilight said sheepishly. “Twilight, I’m at my limit. My magic is drained. Luna has been leading the evacuation, but her voice is giving out. I’m going to switch with her. We need to keep these buildings standing to keep the roads clear, so we have to neutralize as many parasprites as possible.” “Don’t worry, Princess. I know exactly what to do,” Twilight said with a smile. She took to their air, chasing after Discord. A minute or so later, the sound of his laughter echoed back through the streets as Celestia started shouting orders to the fleeing ponies and her sister went on the offensive. She looked in that direction just in time to see Discord vanish. Twilight teleported back to her. “Where did he go?” Celestia asked. “Give it a moment. You’ll see,” Twilight said cryptically. True to Twilight's word, Discord came into sight a moment later, this time marching around a corner twirling a drum major’s mace. He was followed by a horde of identical copies of himself, all marching in formation and carrying instruments. Celestia dropped to her haunches and watched in stunned silence as the band started to play. The parasprites all immediately stopped eating and moved closer to watch. A few minutes later, as the parade finally passed, the entire swarm fell in right behind them. “Twilight…” she said, trailing off as further words failed to form. “Yes, Princess Celestia?” Twilight said, her smile having advanced to a grin. Celestia's mouth opened and closed several times before she could settle on a question. “How many were there?” Twilight shrugged. “I counted seventy-six trombones at the front, but I lost count on the cornets.”