Yet Another Human in Equestria Story
By: Bardic Knowledge
Chapter 14: August 23, Call of the Cutie
I leaned back in the replica of my maternal grandfather's office chair, in the room that was my dad's office in another world. The Active Exploits manual had been sent off to a publisher that had connections to a game company (which made the pony equivalent of Clue, also called Clue. The big difference was finding out who used what to eat the special cake, instead of who killed Mr. Boddy. And no, not all Equestrian mysteries involve pastry), and I was working on an Earth classic: “A Hobbit's Tale: There And Back Again. By John Ronald Reuel Tolkien.” Having read that the Princesses both had enjoyed the works by Mercedes Lackey, I figured some truly legendary literature would be something else they would enjoy.
Anyways, I put my quill in the ink pot and held my wrist, twisting it around in an attempt to alleviate the soreness of constant writing.
“Maybe I should get around to re-inventing the typewriter,” I muttered.
“Typewriter?” asked Trixie, who was looking over what I had already written for errors. It was early afternoon, and both of us had actually gotten up early that day. I was still feeling a little awkward around Trixie, but, thankfully, acting experience and previous attempts at stoic-ness helped hide that. I think.
“It's kinda like a piano, only instead of the hammers hitting wire to make music, there's letters embossed on them that imprint ink from a ribbon, which I have no idea how to make, onto a sheet of paper. Sorta like a miniature printing press.”
“That would probably speed things along, yes,” agreed Trixie, flipping to the next page.
As the ache in my wrist died down again, I heard a frantic pounding from a door upstairs. Trixie and I glanced at each other and she returned the incomplete manuscript to the desk. Taking the stairs on all fours as I enjoyed doing, I glanced out the windows of both doors to see who it might be, only to find no one. But the knocking continued. Judging by the sound it must be coming from the front door, which meant someone who hadn't visited the house before.
I walked over to the door and found Apple Bloom was the one beating a dent in the door. No, seriously, there was a dent in the door. I waited for her to just start for another knock before opening the door swiftly, her momentum carrying her over the threshold and into the dining room.
“Yeeeessss?” I said, in what I believe to be a smarmy voice.
“Joe, you know tha future, right?” she said, jumping straight to business.
“Yeeeaasss,” I answered, mimicking that one maitre de on The Simpsons (That one guy “I had a stro-oke!” You know?).
She paused. “Why are you talkin' like that?”
“Personal amusement.”
“Anyways, you know the future, which means you gotta know what my cutie mark is!” Ah. That was it.
“To be honest, your cutie mark was never confirmed in-show.” Her jaw dropped, her ears flattened, and I think I saw tears start to well up before I continued. “However,” she perked back up, “the Brony Herd does have a pretty concrete suspicion as to what your special talent is.” She jumped around me in a circle cheering.
“Can ya tell me what it is?” She asked, eyes shining.
“No.” Instantly, she went back to depression. I sighed. “Look, I vowed not to interfere too heavily with the future, because it could have dire consequences.” No CMC meant Discord might not get out on schedule, not to mention the Cutie Mark Chronicles and The Show Stoppers wouldn't happen. Or at least it would be less likely. “And, it would be incredibly irresponsible of me even if I could. A lesson that's been pounded into my head over the last two weeks has been similar to an old Earth saying: 'Give a man to fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.' Do you understand?”
“...No.” she mumbled. Behind me, I heard Trixie go back down to the office.
“Okay, let's put it this way. If you were hungry and I gave you an apple pie, for instance, what would that do for you?”
“Well, I wouldn't be hungry anymore.”
“And what about the next day, if you were hungry again and no one came along to give you another?”
“I guess... I'd still be hungry?”
“Right. Now say that, instead of giving you that pie, I gave you an apple seed. What would happen then?”
“I can't imagine I'd last long on a single apple seed, neither.” I rolled my eyes.
“Why not find somewhere to plant that seed, instead of eating it? Then what?”
“Then I'd have an apple tree. Eventually, anyways. Then I'd have lotsa food!”
“Exactly. If someone just gives you something, you don't learn anything, but if you learn how to do it yourself...”
“I get it now!” I smiled. Then waited while she continued smiling up at me. And waited a bit more. “So, what's my special talent, then?”
A loud smack reverberated through the house as I facepalmed. Seriously? “I just told you I can't tell you that, and even gave an allegory or parable or whatever as to why. Figure it out on your own.”
And with that, I shoved her out the door (she's pretty heavy for a waist-high pony) and closed it again, returning to the basement office. I hadn't even made it down the stairs yet when Apple Bloom began pounding on the door again, so as I entered the office, I pointed my thumb behind me and told Trixie it was her turn.
With a long-suffering sigh, Trixie put the pages back down and went up the stairs herself. I flicked my wrist and started writing again as I heard the knocking stop, checking the timer on the corner of the desk every once in a while. It was timed to stop when the memory spell ran out, which would be in another fifteen minutes. At that point I'd have to head back into town to pay Twilight for another casting. She didn't want payment at first, but I reminded her that I was being paid as a result of the spell, so she deserved compensation.
Trixie had tried to cast the spell herself, but at her current level it didn't last more than ten minutes per casting without utterly exhausting herself. And neither of us had any idea where the Alicorn Amulet would be to look for it, and even if we did, we didn't want to risk the corruption side-effect.
After a hushed conversation I could barely hear over my focus, I noted the closing of the door and the clack of hooves on wood.
“She's decided to seek help from her family, since we were being so unhelpful.”
I nodded. “She'll attempt to earn her cutie mark in selling apples, which will result in scaring Time Turner away from the stall. His appearance inspired the idea of several Doctor Who crossovers. Then she'll force Applejack to give away a stupid amount of apples to Bon Bon by accident.”
“A comedy of errors, then?”
“Yep. She then enlists Rainbow's help in trying as many different things as she can, none of which work, then Pinkie tries teaching her to make cupcakes. After that, she tries to persuade Twilight to use her magic to reveal her cutie mark.” I heard a thud outside and stopped talking. Then I turned toward Trixie. She continued reading. “You have better ears than I do. I know you heard that.” I muttered. Not a twitch. I checked the timer as I put the quill away again. Five minutes left. May as well pause here.
I leaned over to the window, which was the normal hinged style instead of the version I was used to, and swung the window completely open. I quickly drew upon the memory of “The Fellowship of the Ring” for my next sentence.
“Well, bless my beard! Apple Bloom, what may you be doing?” The sudden change in the way I talk definitely got Trixie's attention. Not quite as impressive as Sir Ian McKellen's lines to Sam in the movie, but I wasn't going to write the movie.
“N-nothing!” squeaked Apple Bloom. Curses, that's right. She wouldn't be using Sam's “trimming the hedges” excuse. Guess I'll have to improvise. Oh, well.
“Nothing, hmm? And how long have you been at this nothing? And doesn't it go by another name, say, eavesdropping?”
Apple Bloom's ears folded back. “I... I haven't been-”
“Don't be a fool. I heard you out here. I imagine there was a plan perpetrated by you and Trixie to get me to 'accidentally' reveal my future knowledge as you sat outside the window. But I have, through various media, learned how to speak vaguely of uncertain events.”
“So, I wouldn't hear about my cutie mark from you?”
“Not from me. The variations of your eventual cutie mark is great, so even if I wanted to, I couldn't tell you that. Your quest for your cutie mark influences a great many future events, and on top of that, well... You'll find out. Now, off you get. You've got some searching to do and-” the timer dinged behind me as the clarity of the past faded from my mind. “-I have a memory spell to renew.” Apple Bloom nodded quietly and trotted off as I closed the window. I then turned around.
“That's what I expected to have happen,” Trixie replied, now facing me. “Which is why I told her there was no guarantee you'd reveal what she was looking for.” Trixie looked past me, and I turned slightly to confirm Apple Bloom's distance. “Her search really impacts the future that heavily?”
“Well, if all goes right, she'll found the Cutie Mark Crusaders with Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle tonight at Diamond Tiara's cute-ceañera. The three of them will give Twilight a few friendship lessons, and they'll help unlock Q from his prison, which is a pivotal event.” I was actually looking forward to the day DisQord would be freed, despite what it would mean for Equestria. I had plans in the works for that Draconequus.
“So, are we going to this cute-ceañera, too?”
“Why not? I'll even get to explain to all the foals that humans don't get cutie marks in the first place. Won't that annoy Diamond Tiara?” I laughed. Trixie rolled her eyes and we got ready to leave for Twilight's, as the cute-ceañera wasn't for another three hours, according to the invitation Pinkie gave us the day before. I'd probably be able to knock off another chapter or two before going.
Once we reached the market “district” (A.K.A. where everyone sets up their stalls), Applejack came stalking up to me, a mild rage in her eyes. I stopped short, and leaned away.
“What's this Apple Bloom's tellin' me about you making her cost me sales?” she growled. “I had to give away two bushels of apples to Bon Bon, and I don't want to know what Time Turner's going to react next time he comes by!”
I held up my hands in a “wait a moment” gesture. “I didn't tell her to do that. She tried to get me to tell her her cutie mark, but I told her I couldn't because it would change the future. Then she overheard me telling Trixie some things about the rest of today, which included what you just talked about. Apparently, she took my words about not changing the future too far, if she's using my words as an excuse.”
“That silly filly,” Applejack sighed, visibly calming down. “I told her her cutie mark would come in time, and that's how she took it?”
“Don't worry too much, she has good friends because of today, if things go right.” I smirked. “If I wasn't already in the middle of transcribing a book already, I'd write up another book she could sympathize with. The tough part would be explaining the subject matter to pony audiences...” After all, ponies didn't have to deal with periods and wouldn't know what was meant by “bust,” which were two of the big subjects of “Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret.” Hadn't read that book since I was twelve-ish.
What? I read too much, even as a kid.
“Well, I guess if everything turns out alright.” Applejack glanced around to check who was in hearing range. “Just between us, what is her cutie mark?”
I raised my eyebrows and adjusted my glasses. “As long as you Pinkie Promise that she won't find out, save through her own efforts.” I glanced at Trixie, whose horn glowed for a moment before she nodded. Good, not somehow Apple Bloom under an illusion.
“Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.” chanted Applejack, doing the requisite motions.
“We don't actually know what her cutie mark will eventually be, but her talent, as revealed near the end of season one, is carpentry. You give her your old treehouse around the same time as the school talent show, and she fixes it up beautifully. In season three, and I have no idea how far away that is, she and the rest of the Cutie Mark Crusaders, her friends, manage to build a Harvest Festival Float in one night after a couple bullies ruin their first one.”
A wistful smile formed on Applejack's face as she stared into the distance. “Just like Pa.” she adjusted her hat and nodded resolutely. “Thanks for lettin' me know. I won't tell another soul.” With a hoof/handshake, she returned to her stall.
“Well, that didn't go as expected,” I commented. “Shall we off?”
Trixie blinked, presumably at my turn of phrase, then nodded. She was oddly silent today. I still hadn't figured out something to do with the situation between us. And I had kept it between us, because neither Celestia nor Luna nor even Cadence, Alicorn of Love, needed to know about this. I needed to do something.
But what could I do?
We reached Twilight's and I retrieved my money pouch. There were about six, six-and-a-half, months until my house was paid for and I was getting a full fifty bits from my Royal Liaison “job.” And it turns out that writing is a decently lucrative job.
Huh. Not sure why I wrote that...
Anyways, I paid Twilight for a recasting of the memory spell, and felt a minor headache as my mind coped with the flood of information. I had learned from experience that that would fade in a few minutes. As I started for the door, Trixie told me she was going to stay behind for a bit. I said okay and returned to “my” office.
But instead of getting right to writing, I leaned back in my chair and started thinking. I have no interest in the pony form, but I still wanted to give Trixie a chance. She fulfilled my other criteria, she was pretty smart, had developed a kind heart from her time in Ponyville, and could put up with my Asperger's Syndrome. But I just couldn't get over the form.
“There has to be a solution somewhere,” I muttered, then closed my eyes, diving into my crystal-clear memory. Obviously, I was looking for the few romance stories I had encountered. I was more of an adventure reader, after all.
Magic. I had to remember that was now an option. The word seemed to reverberate with a memory.
“Magic do as you will. Magic do as you will...”
I leaned forward, eyes flying open. “The Last Unicorn.” I bit my lip. Twilight might be able to help. Even if she doesn't know many polymorphic spells, she may have connections in Canterlot's unicorn society with someone who does or can develop an anthropomorphizing spell. Though...
Spell research has to cost something. And I needed to be discreet. And I wanted to set some guidelines for her human form if I can (while I look at the mental attributes over the physical, I still prefer petite).
If only I had a proper idea of how to describe a human body, especially one of the opposite sex, to a pony who hasn't seen any besides me.
Grabbing a spare sheet of parchment, I quickly wrote down my idea and slipped the scrolled note into my coat pocket where it disappeared amongst my spare clothes. That done, I returned to writing, a subtle smile on my face.
Just under an hour and a large stack of pages later, I checked the time. I should get to Sugarcube Corner. Trixie will probably arrive with Twilight. She'd been going over there for a couple weeks now, and said she was expanding her repertoire. After I had to trim a bushier moustache than usual, I didn't doubt her.
I arrived early, as I am wont to do, and heard clattering from the kitchen as Mr. and Mrs. Cake finished up a few of the decorations.
“Pinkie and Apple Bloom back there?” I asked.
“Uh, yeah,” replied Mr. Cake. “You're certainly early, Mr. McCord.”
“Well, if I'm not early, I'm late. Just one of my tenets, Mr. Cake.” Seriously, I'm never on time. “Need a hand?”
“I think we're set, but thanks.” I nodded to them and walked to the stairs just off the store front to sit down. I pulled out my scroll and a writing set and started extrapolating on the idea, glancing up from time-to-time to keep myself aware of the surroundings. Others started trickling in as the time for the cute-ceañera drew nearer, presents being set on a table nearby, obscuring my view.
I re-pocketed my humanization scroll. Sometime in the next couple weeks I'd see if I could find an art tutor of some kind to draw an appropriate model of the human body. As mentioned before, my drawings are terrible.
Not long after the place filled up and Diamond Tiara declared that to be her name (apparently, before her cutie mark appeared her name was Spoiled Rich. Appropriate), I stood from my “hiding” place and stretched, glancing around the room. Trixie was chatting with Berry Punch off to one side, but Twilight was nowhere in sight, which I took to mean that she was in the kitchen with Apple Bloom.
“So, how's things?” said, announcing my presence to the celebrating filly. She flinched.
“Oh, its you,” she said snottily. “What do you want?”
“Just saying hello, and letting you know that I think your old name was more appropriate, considering your personality. Have a nice party!” I smiled and waved as I walked away. I'd save the “all humans are 'blank flanks'” surprise for later. I'm pretty sure I heard her snarl after me, but I was smirking.
I lurked at the edges of the party, snacking on the cupcakes that didn't smell like charcoal. A couple ponies said hello, and I replied in kind. I was feeling mildly uncomfortable with the party itself, since I don't do well with crowds, but at least the ceiling was high enough to let me stand straight up. Well, as straight up as I usually do.
After a few minutes, Apple Bloom trotted out of the kitchen door I had been keeping an eye on. I took a deep breath. Here we go. I watched her mutter to herself and dart around the room, attempting to hide her way to the door, but getting stymied every other hiding spot. Trixie sidled up to me and watched with me as Berry caught the table with the punch on it. And, in a moment that wasn't in the show itself, Berry belched at a respectable volume, then covered her mouth as she excused herself.
“You know,” I muttered conversationally, “we extrapolated almost the entirety of Berry's personality from that scene there.”
“Oh?”
“She didn't burp on-screen, but that right there was considered her Establishing Character Moment. She was then associated with alcohol. Though most sources make her an alcoholic, rather than a bar owner.”
“She does go home tipsy from time to time, but only if the bar's been busy that night.”
“Huh.” Apple Bloom back away from the door quickly as Applejack came in, pushing her back to the middle of the store front. Quickly, Apple Bloom grabbed a tablecloth and tied it around her, hiding her flank. I described Apple Bloom's attempt at deception to Trixie as best I could, and kept an eye out for Sweetie and Scoots. There they were, under another table near the door.
With a wrenching noise, Apple Bloom knocked into the record player, stopping the music. All conversation stopped as the ponies in the room looked in that direction.
“Oh, wow,” started Diamond Tiara.
“That is an amazing cutie mark,” finished Silver Spoon.
“Nice try-”
“BLANK FLANK!” They chorused.
“You got a problem with blank flanks?!” shouted Scootaloo. For some reason, everypony gasped. “I said, you got a problem with blank flanks?!” The two emerged from their hiding place.
“The problem is,” replied Silver Spoon, “that she's totally not special.”
“No,” retorted Sweetie, “it means she's full of potential!”
“It means she could be great at anything!” added Scootaloo. “The possibilities are, like, endless.” Her tone turned mocking at the end.
“She could be a great scientist, or an amazing artist, or a famous writer! She could even be mayor of Ponyville someday.”
“Ponyville is in her history,” I added. Apple Bloom beamed.
“And she's not stuck being stuck-up like you two.” Everypony in the room started chuckling.
“Hey, this is MY party,” said Diamond Tiara. “Why are you two on HER side?”
“Because...” started Scoots, before she and Sweetie turned to revealed their flanks.
“You don't have any cutie marks either?” gasped Apple Bloom. “I thought I was the only one!”
“We thought we were the only two!”
“Technically,” I said, approaching the three of them, “I'm a blank flank, too.”
“What?!” chorused the three and the rich kids.
“Humans don't get cutie marks, and most go through their entire lives without knowing anything about what they're good at. I didn't figure it out 'til about six or seven years ago, and I was only a couple years away from being considered an adult by U.S. Law.” My piece said, I stepped back to let Twilight speak her piece, smirking at the rich kids the whole while.
As the nascent CMC gathered around a table to decide their eventual name, I walked over to the door.
“Hey, Joe!” I turned to look at Apple Bloom. “Thanks!”
I nodded. “You're welcome, AB.” And then I turned back, attempting to add dramatic flair to my coat as I walked out the door.
Probably would have worked better if I hadn't stumbled over Apple Bloom's discarded tablecloth dress.