Twilight had left me with a conundrum, three doors, two of which might have nasty surprises behind them.
Ha! Twilight thinks she’s won, but I can just use my magic to find the safest door.
I used my magic to probe behind the door on the left. However, before I was able to see anything, I stopped abruptly because it felt as if my horn had just been kicked.
“YE-OUCH!”
Afterward the same addendum etched itself into all three doors simultaneously.
Uh-uh-uh, noooo peeking!
“Okay, fine.” I grumbled under my breath as I tenderly tried to rub the pain in my horn away. However, it was not working. My horn had gone numb.
Note to self, a magical kick to the horn hurts worse than a normal one.
I tried to cast a simple levitation spell, however, I was hit with magic feedback, which consisted of a sharp ringing in my ears, a throbbing headache, and the sensation of my horn being stung by a swarm of angry Monkey Bees. Robbed of the use of my magic, I had no choice but to leave picking a door up to blind chance. However, the fact that Twilight stopped me from magically examining the left door made me extra curious as to what was behind it. I walked up to the door on the left and lifted my hoof to open it. Suddenly, the other two doors started glowing. They shook violently and quickly sank back into the roof as though they were never there.
I guess, now that I’ve made my choice, I have to stick with it.
The messages that were etched into the door started to disappear. I turned the knob and pulled on the door only to find out it was locked.
More than a little miffed I shouted, “Twilight! The Luna dammed door is locked!”
I could swear a sweat drop appeared on the door as a clicking noise came from the other side. I turned the knob and pulled on the door again and this time the door opened. I knew better than to just to step in, the inside was pitch black. It was darker than a cloudy, Luna’s moonless night.
With Twilight blocking my magic, I had no choice but to physically “test the waters.” I felt around just on the other side of the threshold, the first two inches felt solid. I reached in another two inches, still solid. I was emboldened so I reached in another four inches; whatever was beneath my hoof was still solid. I slid my hoof left to right, and whatever was inside went from wall to wall. I got closer and reached in another six inches; it was still solid. However, as I pulled my hoof of the gaping black hole, I noticed the entire hard surface was on the same plane.
“No stairs, it feels like a floor of some sort.”
I reached my fore hoof in once again and stomped on the floor as hard as I could three times.
CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!
The floor was metal, and quite sturdy. However, I did not want to go inside, the floor might have felt solid, but I knew better. That was when I realized that I could just use the fire escape. However, I had no idea where it was, but it would not be too hard to find, the roof was square, after all. There were only four options, and it was not on the wall behind me, so that narrowed it down to three. I trotted to the wall along which were the picnic table, the grill, and the bar.
“Yes! Got it in one!”
The fire escape was attached to the wall three meters to the left of the bar. It was only one and a half meters below the rooftop, so I jumped down to it. It took me a moment to realize that I was standing on magical barrier. A violet magical barrier. A violet magical barrier that I was slowly sinking into.
“Eew, gross! It feels like molasses mixed with grape jelly!” I bemoaned aloud.
I stopped sinking half way up my flank, covering the bottom half of my Cutie mark. My hooves were stuck, hovering just half a meter from the fire escapes floor. Obviously, Twilight’s beautiful, evil mind was light years ahead of mine, and she had long since made sure to eliminate the fire escape as a viable option. With quite a bit of effort, I struggled to pull my left foreleg out of the thick, goopy magical barrier. It slowly emerged with a sickening *SCHLOOOORRRRP-POP!* I examined it, there was no gross magical residue on it, also, the bloodstain was gone. Hopefully, this meant that when I finally got out, I would not be covered in a mysterious unknown fluid. With my front left hoof out of the magical muck, I tried to get a grip to pull out my front right. However, my front left just sank back into violet goo.
I was trapped, I had no choice but to humble myself and ask for help from the adorkable psychopath who put me in this predicament, I shouted to the sky, “Twilight! I’m stuck flank deep in your sticky magical essence!… …I realize I probably shouldn’t have shouted that! Anyway, could you please help me out of it!?”
A powerful violet glow enveloped my entire body and lifted me out of the gooey magical barrier. Being the only Unicorn in my entire family, I had never before been levitated. The sensation was incredible! It was as if a trillion tiny tingly hooves were grabbing, groping, and fondling every single millimeter of my body as they carried me back to the roof. Every. Single. Millimeter. This was the first time I have ever experienced this stimulating sensation, and despite my objections, my body was enjoying it way too much. Does being levitated always feel this… amazing? It took every bit of willpower I had not to give myself over to absolute pleasure.
Twilight’s magic slowly, very slowly, painfully slowly carried me, not just to the roof, but also to directly in front of the door, and set me down. I collapsed to my knees and tried to catch my breath while I becalmed the excitement that Twilight’s levitation had built up. When my enthusiasm finally ebbed, it was time to step inside the mysterious portal before me.
I could not see anything while inside, and to make matters worse, the door closed behind me. While locked inside I could not hear anything outside, not even ambient noise, like birds singing, or the wind blowing. All that I could hear was the beating of my heart, my own breathing, and the clanging of my hooves on the hard metal floor as I shifted my weight from leg to leg.
I do not know the tiny room’s exact dimensions; however, it was long, wide, and tall enough to be just barely big enough for me to fit into, as long as I did not try to turn around. I restlessly stood in that small, confining sensory depravation chamber for seven minutes, waiting for something, anything to happen. The only thing that happed was that the tingling in my horn slowly subsided. However, I refrained from using magic for fear of having my horn reinjured by Twilight.
The fear of not knowing what comes next, the suspense of having to wait for it, and the terror of absolutely nothing happening while I waited, started to enter my mind at minute four. I was about to voice a complaint, however, before I could, the floor fell open and I plummeted.
“AAAHHH-OOF-WWWAAAGGGHHH!” I screamed as I fell about two meters, then I landed on something hard, metal, and slick. It was a stallion sized twisty slide, and when you do not know that you are going to be on one, it is very disorienting when you suddenly are, especially when you are in complete darkness.
I was in complete darkness for the first two thirds of the ride, the last third was brightly lit, blindingly so. I was not in the light long enough for my eyes to adjust before my ride came to a strangely soft end. I landed flank first on a lumpy pillow. A lumpy pillow that seemed to be vibrating.
“MMPH-MMPH-MMPH! MMPH-MMPH-MMPH!”
“That doesn’t sound like vibration; that sounds like muffled speech.” I looked behind myself, to find a yellow tail and the back of an orange body. Peeking out from beneath my short red tail, was a yellow mane that was tied off at the end. To the right of my right hind leg was a brown Stetson.
“MMPH-MMPH-MMPH! MMPH-MMPH-MMPH! MMPH, NOW!”
With that “NOW,” Applejack pulled her head up, sending me tumbling forward.
“Where in Tartarus, did that slide come from, how’d ya git on it? Whut’s this sticky stuff in mah mane?” The slide that was conjured by Twilight’s magic disappeared when Applejack turned to ask me how I happened to be on it. She turned around to find the slide gone and yelled angrily at the sky, “Twilight! Whut’s the big idea throwin’ this very male Rarity analogue at me?”
“Very male?” Sweet.
Applejack put her hat back on, then turned her wrath on me, “An, you! Cain’t ya watch where yer fallin’? Who in Tartarus are ya anyway? Whut’s the big idea of landin’ on me? Did Twilight put ya up to this? What’s wrong with ya, why won’t ya answer me?”
“Um, uh, Twilight magicked the slide into existence. I fell onto it from above. I’m pretty sure you don’t want to know what that sticky stuff is. Not really, I was blinded when I landed. I’m Camerashy; I’m from Hoof Beat Magazine. You just happened to be at the bottom of the slide when I fell off. No, but I think she wants me to interview you next. Ponies tell me I’m too uptight. I am politely waiting for you to stop speaking so that I can answer you. By the way, that ‘very male’ comment was very kind of you, thank you.”
Applejack quietly regarded me. “Ya know, if ya hit Sapphire Shores in the back of the head with a semi-hard-on, she’d throw yer flank in prison. Then, when, or more likely, if ya finally got out, ya’d have to go door to door havin’ everypony sign a li’l form whenever you moved into a new neighborhood. I, on the other hoof, would just kick ya.”
“Please, don’t. I’ve already been head butted and magically kicked in the horn today.”
Applejack loomed ominously behind me, “I was thinkin’ of kickin’ ya a might lower than yer head.”
“Please don’t kick me there either.” I begged, as I quickly turned around and slowly backed away, “I’ve already had that crushed today as well.”
“Heh, heh, heh, now that ya mention it, ya do look like ya’ve been through Tartarus.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“Ya look like Twi midways through ‘Lesson Zero.’ Well, minus the crazy manedoo.” Applejack said, as she noogied my head where my forelock should have been.
“Come on, I don’t think I look that bad.” A feeling of unnamable dread washed over me and I shouted to the sky instinctively, “But I mean that in the nicest possible way!”
Great, now she’s even got me doing it.
“Ha! Now she’s even got you doin’ it!” Applejack said this at the exact same time I thought it.
I blushed as I rubbed the back of my neck and smiled wearily, “Um, yes, apparently. I’ve only been here a couple of hours and she has me trained like her pet owl.” I looked around and realized that I did not recognize this part of the building. It was a huge room filled with shelves, boxes, and a large number of unwieldy random esoterica from the show. “Where are we, anyway?”
“I guess ya could call this a giant closet, we store the props and the practical effects in here. See? Here’s Twi’s wings, these are some back-up wigs and tails for Pinkie, here are a couple of mah lassos, and these over here are The Great and Powerful Trixie's wheel-less carriages, the wooden one and the glorious golden four-poster bed one.”
I was too confused at the impossibility of the existence of this room to be impressed. “How- how- how is this place even here? There is nothing outside that even hint’s that this place even exists.”
Applejack’s face became solemn, “Do ya really wanna know?”
“Yes, of course, the fact that I know that this place exists will drive me mad if I don’t find out the why and how.”
“Are ya sure? ‘Cause knowin’ the why and how might drive ya mad faster.”
“I’ve seen Fluttershy destroy a cement wall without even trying, I almost swallowed the grass on the roof, I’ve talked to ‘Mistress Pinkamena,’ and still I am sane, but just barely. However, if I don’t find out the why and how of this place’s existence, I may go cupcakes.”
“‘Go cupcakes?’ Whut does that even mean?”
“Seriously? You don’t- Never mind, it doesn’t matter, I’m too decent or cowardly to do so anyway. I believe I can take it, so, if you would, please explain this place to me.”
Applejack shrugged, “Okay, don’t say I didn’t warn ya. This place was literally dreamed up by Pinkie Pie; then it was made real by Princess Luna and Princess Celestia. Pinkie had a dream about a large storage area that existed nowhere and everywhere at the same time, she called it ‘Hammerspace.’ She told Princess Celestia about it, who told Princess Luna, who dove into Pinkie’s dreams and made this place real.”
My eyes widened in terror, “Please tell me we’re not in Mistress Pinkamena’s head.”
“Nope, we’re not. Princess Luna, with the help of Princess Celestia, pulled the Hammerspace out of Pinkie’s mind.”
I breathed a sigh of relief, “Then, where is it, or rather, where are we?”
“Like it was in Pinkie’s dream, we’re in a magical place that exists nowhere and everywhere all at once.”
“I know how I got here, but how did you get here, Applejack?”
“The only way non-magical types and everypony else who’s not Pinkie can git in here,” Applejack gestured behind herself at a huge white void, “through the door.”
In the middle of the white void, on what appeared to be where the floor met the wall (it was hard to tell, because there was no line of horizon, in fact the only way to tell there was a floor were the shelves, items and ponies standing on it), was a door. The door was just a normal, wooden, interior door.
“What door in the studio leads to this ‘Hammerspace?’”
“All the interior doors in the studio lead here.”
“How?”
“Every inside door in the studio has a permanent enchantment on it, which was placed there by Princess Celestia herself, which can be activated by anypony who has the pass-code. If ya enter it correctly, the door ya use becomes a portal ta this place. Once ya step through, the door closes behind ya, and outside of Hammerspace, a picture of a hammer appears on both sides of the door, and that door cain’t be used ta git here until it’s exited through on this side, although it can still be used as a regular door. If somepony else needs ta git in here, they enter the pass-code on a different door and the door appears next ta the one, or ones that are already here. When this happens, since all the exit doors look exactly the same, the ponies’ cutie marks appear on the door that they used, so that they can return ta the same place where they entered Hammerspace.”
“What happens if somepony exits through the wrong door?”
“More’n one pony can enter and exit through the same door. Say Ah’m in here and RD also comes in through her own door, and then she leaves through mah door. Her door would disappear and become available for Hammerspace use; and she would come out of Hammerspace from wherever Ah entered. As long as somepony is still in here, and they came in through a door, one door will always stay, that way, nopony will git trapped in here.”
“What is the pass-code to enter this place?”
“Ah can only tell ya that if’n ya promise not ta tell anypony else or put it in yer article, ya know, fer security reasons.”
I Pinkie promised not to reveal the secret entrance code and Applejack demonstrated to me what it was. “Well, that’s just silly.”
“It was Pinkie’s idea.”
“Then I suppose that it could have been sillier. Why is this... space called ‘Hammerspace?’”
“‘Cause that’s whut it was called in Pinkie’s dream and nopony else could think of a better name.” Applejack gasped as something occurred to her, “Stay right here, Ah wanna show ya my favorite prop, Ah’ll be right back.” She ran off and disappeared between the shelves.
With no discernible way to tell where the floor ended and the wall began (or vice-versa), I just stood in place. I could not even tell if the door was small and close or big and far away. I looked up and could not tell how close or far away the ceiling was. Was it just a few inches above the two and a half meter tall shelves, or was it several miles? I obviously could not rely on the height of the magic slide that unceremoniously dumped me in here to get a good reading on the enormousness of this magic void.
“MU-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!”
The gravelly, ominous laugh came from behind me. I turned around and came face to goat knee with Discord.
“BUCK!” I shouted as I quickly backed away. I stopped backing away after about half a meter when I realized that Discord was no longer completely evil. “Oh, wait, you’re not evil anymore. Sorry, you startled me; please, forgive my foul mouth and knee-jerk reaction.”
“That’s okay; your reaction wasn’t as bad as those of some ponies, also I was never evil.”
I was in awe because I was in the presence of the most powerful magical being in the entire world (and if he says he was never evil, who am I to argue). If not for the Elements of Harmony and his reformation, he would still be the ultimate ruler of the world, and this year would have marked the six thousand three hundred sixty-second anniversary of his tyrannical yet silly reign. Well, approximately, most of the books and scrolls from that time were either lost or destroyed, by either the princesses, Discord, or the ravages of time.
“Hello, I’m Camerashy,” I said as I genuflected, “I apologize, I meant no disrespect. I suppose it would be more correct to say, ‘no longer malevolently mischievous?’” I continued as I stood back up. “I didn’t expect to see you here, but if you can wait until after my interview with Applejack, I would love to ask you some questions.”
“Ah don’t think that’ll be possible, ‘cause Ah ain’t really Discord.”
Applejack’s voice was coming from Discord’s mouth, or rather, from above his head. I looked up, and there was Applejack, lying atop one of the top shelves, controlling Discord like a mareionette. I squeezed Discord’s goat leg; it was made of foam rubber. His mane was made from broom bristles; his lion paw was made from gold lamé. His eagle claw was a mechanical, motorized claw from a UFO Catcher. His antler was a small UHF antenna. His bat wing was made from taffeta. His Pegasus wing was made from molted feathers and wax. His fang was a broken arrowhead; and his horn looked like it was a sock stuffed with cotton. How could I have missed all of that? To paraphrase one of Hoity-Toity’s lines from “Suited for Success,” he was a piled on mish-mash of everything but the kitchen sink. He. Was. Magnificent.
“Discord is a mareionette?”
“Actually, he’s a Mareppet. You know, like The Mareppet Movie, The Mareppet Show, and The Mareppets Take Manehatten? It’s the big lie of the show. We cain’t use real villains like Discord in the show ‘cause they’re too unpredictable, so Princess Luna hired the Gem Hen Son Company ta make a life sized Discord Mareppet. She told ’em ta make ’im as eclectic as possible, and two weeks later, they delivered this guy. He was operated by Princess Celestia’s magic, M.C. read Discord’s lines durin’ filmin’, and then a voice over artist was hired to be his voice for the sweetenin’.”
“I guess Discord’s not a fan of puppeteers, huh?” I said with a cheeky glint in my eye.
“Ah don’t know, we never asked ‘em.” Applejack replied without a clue in the world.
“Seriously?” I asked, crestfallen. “Oh, well, I suppose it doesn’t matter. I was going to say that you do an excellent imitation of Discord’s voice, however, I suppose it would be more correct to say you do an excellent imitation of Discord’s voice actor.”
Applejack blushed, “Aw shucks, t’ain’t no big deal.”
I shrugged and nonchalantly said, “Alright, whatever.” Getting a modicum of revenge for her lack of fandom knowledge.
“Well, you could make a l’il fuss over it.” Applejack said, slightly offended.
I could no longer hide my cheeky smile or contain my laughter.
“Hardy, har,” Applejack deadpanned.
“Sorry, you voice imitation skills are quite impressive. Could we go somewhere for our interview?”
Applejack pulled the Discord Mareppet up to the top shelf, climbed down and stood in front of me, “Why don’t we stay here? It’s quiet, nopony’ll bother us, and we have a comfortable place ta sit on The Great and Powerful Trixie's Alicorn sized glorious golden four-poster wheel-less bed-carriage.”
I blushed at the thought of getting into bed with Applejack. However, I am a professional and a gentlecolt, and I can control my baser instincts. Besides, Applejack scared me, I always thought there was something… wrong about her, and today, I was going to find out why.
I gestured to The Great and Powerful Trixie's Alicorn sized glorious golden four-poster wheel-less bed-carriage and said, “Fillies first.” Upon closer inspection, I noticed that The Great and Powerful Trixie’s Alicorn sized glorious golden four-poster wheel-less bed-carriage was just wood that was painted gold.
Applejack climbed up onto The Great and Powerful Trixie's Alicorn sized glorious golden four-poster wheel-less bed-carriage and sat at the head of the bed by the left post and I sat on the diagonal from her at the foot of the bed by the right post.
When she saw where I had sat, Applejack patted the mattress next to her and said, “Come on, ya can sit a might closer.”
“No, it wouldn’t be proper,” I said somberly as I averted my eyes, “and after my first question, you may not want me in your presence at all.”
Applejack’s eyes widened as she raised her eyebrow.
“The question is about your,” I made the air quote motion with my front fetlocks, “‘apple farm.’”
“Why’d ya put ‘apple farm’ in quotes?”
“Because I don’t think ‘apple farm’ is quite the right term to describe your homestead. ‘Ranch’ may be the more apropos term.” I paused a moment to let what I said sink in.
Applejack seemed intrigued at the direction our interview was going. This might have been the biggest piece of news I have ever stumbled upon, or the dumbest question I will ever ask.
“Go on.”
“Okay, to start off with, Sweet Apple Acres looks to be bigger than all of Ponyville. In ‘The Best Night Ever,’ you sold ‘that big apple pie!’ to Soarin’ for two bits. Later, in that same episode, you sold two apple fritters to Rarity for four bits. This means that you charged the same price for a tiny fritter as you do for a large pie. This means that you’re either charging too much for fritters, or not enough for pies. I know how much work goes into making pies, and I know how much work goes into making fritters. Therefore, I believe you‘re not charging enough for your pies.
“In ‘The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000,’ it looks as though you also charge two bits per mug of cider. You also mention that the cider sales keep your business afloat through the winter. If you really make the cider the same way you do in the show, and it really is as high of quality as you say it is, then two bits is hardly enough to charge for a mug of cider.”
“Whut’s yer point?”
“My theory is that you keep your ‘farm’ afloat by trading in something other than apples. In ‘Return of Harmony,’ you have a cornfield. In ‘Family Appreciation Day,’ Apple Bloom, imitating Granny Smith, says, ‘I have to shear the flowers and water the sheep, I mean I have to water the flowers and shear the sheep.’ In ‘One Bad Apple,’ a cow is on your farm. In ‘Show Stoppers,’ the Cutie Mark Crusaders are on your farm feeding pigs. In ‘Sisterhooves Social,” you and Apple Bloom herd sheep together on your farm. You also mention to Sweetie Belle that you and Apple Bloom are collecting the bruised apples to feed to the pigs. In ‘Apple Family Reunion,’ there is a pig dancing with a chicken. Finally, in ‘Applebuck Season,’ it looks as though the cow stampede starts from your farm.”
“Wow, ya sure know a lot about the show.”
“I also know quite a bit about farms. Everything on them serves a purpose in helping them run, nothing is superfluous. For example, dogs help herd and cats catch pests. Obviously, you let the sheep stay on your farm and in return, they let you sell their wool. I assume you split the profits evenly with them. I would think you have the same arrangement with the cows for their milk.”
Applejack sat silently. I believe she knew where my line of reasoning was going.
“Cows and sheep, like ponies, are sentient, sapient, and self-aware. Chickens, however, are more like pets; their minds are not capable of rational thought. However, since they’re on a farm they’re not pets, you sell their eggs. We cannot make cakes without eggs. This brings me to my biggest point.”
Applejack shifted uncomfortably, she knew the question that was coming, but said nothing. I sort of knew what the answer was, but was not certain, and I wanted to get the truth from the horse’s mouth.
I almost lost my nerve to ask, but I forced the question out slowly, almost at a whisper, “Why… keep… pigs?”
After the question was out in the open, it was easier to continue. However, Applejack’s face was stolid.
“Pigs serve no purpose on a farm, you cannot milk them like cows, you cannot shear them like sheep, and they do not lay eggs like chickens. However, like chickens, they’re like pets, they are not capable of rational thought. All pigs do is consume and make messes, why do you keep them? Moreover, every time there are pigs on your farm in the show, they are always different. Why are the pigs on your farm in the show never the same?”
Applejack was stoic as she narrowed her eyes at me, “It seems ya already know the answer ta those questions.”
“I’m afraid that I do, but, I hope I’m wrong. I actually hope you keep them for comic relief. However, I believe the pigs are the reason you can keep a farm that is bigger than the town that it’s on the outskirts of from going under.”
“How do ya think that in a world filled with super powerful carnivores, like manticores and dragons; that herbivores, specifically ponies, became the dominant species?”
I smiled brightly and my heart filled with great reverence as I asked, “Is it because Princess Celestia is an all powerful, benevolent ruler that is a beacon of love and charity that inspires all races to live together in peaceful, joyous harmony?”
“No.”
My fantasy was crushed by one tiny word.
“The world is full of dragons, hydras, minotaurs, manticores, griffons, sea serpents, diamond dogs, and many other bugaboos and whangdoodles that eat meat. Ta make sure as li’l as possible of that meat is pony meat, Princess Celestia struck a bargain with all those races a long time ago, back before Ponyville existed, when Granny Smith was a filly. The entire Apple family is a part of that deal. Princess Celestia pays every Apple family farm a hefty sum ta raise pigs, and, when the pigs reach the proper… when they‘re ready, she sends her representatives ta pick ’em up and they deliver ’em to the representatives of the carnivorous races.”
“What do you mean as little as possible is pony meat?”
“Accidents happen; and it’s not uncommon for a pony ta go wandering somewhere she shouldn’t and never be heard from again. Not even Princess Celestia can stop every single tragedy from happenin’.”
“So, Princess Celestia in her infinite wisdom, sacrifices pigs to the other races so that war doesn’t breakout among ponies and the sentient beings that eat ponies?” My eyes began tearing up. “And you,” I pointed my left hoof at Applejack as my voice quivered, “are loyal enough to honor her request; sweet enough to care about the carnivores; compassionate enough to do what needs to be done to keep the peace; and honest enough to own up to it when directly asked. Your heart must break each time when the time comes to give up your pigs.”
Tears welled up in Applejack’s eyes, but only for a moment, “It used ta hurt a lot, but after a few years, ya temper yerself, and now, it only hurts as much as sellin’ apples. Poor Apple Bloom, she found out the truth sooner in life then Ah did, and she already knows not ta git attached to the pigs. And poor Fluttershy, she accidentally found out about the arrangement ‘round about a year ago. She was so angry with Princess Celestia that Princess Luna had ta be the one ta console her. Of course, Fluttershy couldn’t do any real harm ta the princess, but the only thing that stopped her from tryin’ was Luna. Celestia understood Fluttershy’s feelin’s though, she didn’t hold it against her.”
“I imagine finding out something like that would drive Fluttershy to all kinds of horrible ends; and I don’t think it would’ve stopped at attempted regicide.”
“After Fluttershy snapped, Princess Celestia decreed that anypony past the age consent who’s clever enough ta wonder about the pigs would be told the whole, unvarnished, ugly truth. Now, I know a lot of yer readers are minors, so I’m gonna ask ya ta consider not including the pig question part of the interview in your story. You were the one who asked, and I told ya, and ya seem to be a reasonable stallion, so you’ll realize that if somepony’s not clever enough to ask the question themselves, then they ain’t ready ta know the truth.”
“Yes, I understand, if Fluttershy almost resorted to regicide because she wasn’t ready to know the truth, who knows what somepony less gentle would do if they found out.”
“Princess Celestia has a sayin’, if they don’t ask, don’t tell em’, if they do ask, tell em’, or somethin’ like that.”
I chuckled as I wiped the tears from my eyes.
“Princess Celestia also said that after we told somepony the truth that we should comfort ‘em or subdue ‘em, dependin’ on the situation. And ya do look like you need some consolation.” Applejack said as she patted an empty spot to the immediate right of herself on the mattress.
I am a professional and a gentlecolt, and I figured that it would be rude to deny the request of a mare who just poured her heart out to me, besides; I was a little emotionally drained myself. Therefore, I crawled to the head of the bed-carriage and seated myself at her right hoof.
“Since it wouldn’t be wise to use my juiciest question in the article, do you mind if we continue with the rest of the interview?”
“That’d be fine; whut would ya like ta ask?”
The same boilerplate I asked everypony else.
“I suppose my first question would be: who is your favorite villain from Friendship is Magic?”
“Ah showed ‘im ta ya earlier, it’s Discord. Ah’ve always been a fan of the Mareppets, Ah grew up watchin’ reruns of The Mareppet Show and Fraggle Rock, and Ah loved Mareppets Tonight. Ah’ve also seen every Mareppet movie. When Ah found out that Discord would be a Mareppet, and that we were hirin’ the Gem Hen Son Company, Ah was as giddy as a schoolfilly. Ah think Luna’s as big a Mareppet fan as Ah am; ‘cause she was all too eager ta hire the Gem Hen Son Company herself.”
I smiled as I leaned to my right and looked up into Applejack’s green eyes. Why is every mare here taller than I am? It’s somewhat humiliating.
“You know, you’re the first pony to name an actual villain when I asked that question. Everypony else named an antagonist, or somepony else who was just the weekly guest star. Mistress Pinkamena’s favorite villain was just herself from ‘Party of One.’”
Ah don’t mean to pry, but why do ya keep callin’ her ‘Mistress Pinkamena?’”
I looked around Hammerspace from my seat on The Great and Powerful Trixie's Alicorn sized glorious golden four-poster wheel-less bed-carriage to make sure we were alone, “We made a deal, I call her ‘Mistress Pinkamena,’ and she won’t beat me to a bloody pulp.”
Applejack rolled her eyes and whispered under her breath, “She’s added another one ta her stable, huh?”
“I wouldn’t say that, it may be true, but I wouldn’t say it.”
Applejack blushed as she pulled her Stetson over her eyes, “Uh, Ah didn’t think ya heard that.”
“Sorry, I have impeccable hearing; besides, I’m only sitting a couple centimeters away from you.”
The more red Applejack’s face got, the more she looked like her brother.
“Perhaps we should- LUNA’S LUCIOUS LIPS, WHAT THE BUCK ARE THOSE?” I shouted as I pointed in fear at two humongous pink pillars emerged from somewhere near the upper echelons of Hammerspace.
Applejack jumped when I shouted, however, when she removed her hat from he face, she did not seem at all worried, in fact, a slightly smug smile danced across her face. I stared in horror as the two massive pillars quickly descended into Hammerspace. Applejack braced herself by grabbing the nearest bedpost a few seconds before the immense pillars landed with a loud THUD! somewhere fairly close, shaking the whole of Hammerspace and knocking me down onto my face. Luckily, The Great and Powerful Trixie's Alicorn sized glorious golden four-poster wheel-less bed-carriage was soft and fluffy. The giant pillars started moving around, as though they were searching for something, all the while shaking the whole of Hammerspace and making a horrible, nerve-racking scraping noise.
I covered my ears with my hooves, tried to brace myself, and as the horrible scraping and shaking continued, I shouted, “W-w-what i-i-in Ta-a-arta-a-aru-u-us i-i-is go-o-oi-i-ing o-o-on?! W-w-what t-t-the bu-u-uck a-a-are tho-o-ose thi-i-ings?!”
“W-w-wait fe-e-er i-i-it!” Applejack shouted above the noise.
Three and a half minutes of shaking and scraping later…
“Thi-i-i-s i-i-is t-a-a-aki-i-in’ a mi-i-i-ght lo-o-onger-r-r tha-a-an i-i-it u-u-usua-a-all-y-y-y do-o-oes!” Applejack shouted over the horrible din.
I was in full on panic mode, “F-f-for s-s-some re-e-easo-n-n-n, thi-i-i-s is-s-s li-i-i-fe now-ow-ow!”
Three more minutes of the scraping and rumbling had passed and Applejack and I had finally gotten used to it. Kind of like having a pain for years, you either forget it is there, or you become used to it as a natural part of life. We had regained our balance, no longer needed to cover our ears, and reacquired the steadiness of our voices. However, we did still have to shout over the noise as we bobbed up and down, and shook back and forth on The Great and Powerful Trixie's Alicorn sized glorious golden four-poster wheel-less bed-carriage. Luckily, for the both of us, it had a canopy and there were not any heavy items above it that could have crashed through, although that may have been by design. However, the constant shaking did knock the Discord Mareppet off his perch on the shelf where Applejack had put him and to the part of Hammerspace that I assumed was the floor; because as I said, there are no lines of horizon.
It looked like he was smiling at me, laughing at my confusion. I could not help but laugh, as I shouted above the din, “I curse the name, the one behind it all: DISCORD!”
“This ain’t Discord’s doin’, sugar cube! Besides, I already told ya, that ain’t really Discord, it’s a Mareppet!”
“What?! No, I know that! I was just- never mind!” I loudly sighed in frustration as I continued. “Are you ever going to tell me what those giant pillars are!?”
“Well! From their color and the way they’re movin’ around, I’d say they’re Pinkie’s forelegs!”
“What?! How is that even possible?!”
“That’s easy! She’s Pinkie Pie! But, if’n ya want a more detailed answer, it’s that since she was the one who dreamed it up, Pinkie is the only non-Unicorn that can access Hammerspace without using the door trick! Did ya ever see her do that thing where she reached behind herself and pulled somethin’ outta nowhere?! Well, this is where those things are stored!”
“That happens instantaneously, though! It only takes her a few seconds to reach behind herself and pull something out! Right now, however, we are going onto the eight minute mark!”
“Time in here is exaggerated! An hour in here is only a second in the real world! You could spend a year in here and only a day would pass outside!”
“Oh! Just like the Hyperbolic Time Chamber! That made no sense either!”
Applejack looked at me with the most confused look I have ever seen on a pony and shouted, “Ah don’t know whut that is!”
Once again, I involuntarily face hoofed. “Oh, come-”
Suddenly Mistress Pinkamena’s massive forelegs stopped moving, and the scraping and shaking that was rocking Hammerspace also ceased.
“ON!” I finished my exclamation a little too loudly considering the fact we were sitting in silence. I was a little embarrassed to be the one to be shouting when the noise stopped, so, for some reason, with a blush, I apologized, “Sorry.”
The sudden silence caught our attention; we both looked up and saw Mistress Pinkamena’s foreleg pillars ascending caring a wheelbarrow that contained a multi-layered cake that looked like a wedding cake.
I turned to Applejack with a look of consternation on my face and asked, “Who keeps a wedding cake in a wheelbarrow?”
“Pinkie Pie.” Applejack answered matter-of-factly.
Once again, I involuntarily face hoofed.
I am a professional and a gentlecolt, so it was easy for me to hide the frustration in my voice, “Okay, moving on.”
“Yeah, did ya say ‘Luna’s luscious lips’ when you first saw Pinkies hooves come down?”
“No! I mean, yes, I mean, it’s an expletive.” I said as I started sweating and my eyes quickly shifted back and forth.
“Not where Ah come from it ain’t.”
“It is where I come from?” I offered with the world’s third worse poker face.
“Fair enough.”
Strangely enough, for being the Element of Honesty, Applejack could not tell when she was being lied to. Thank Celestia
“If we could continue on with the interview, my next question is: What is your favorite song from Friendship is Magic?”
“The only song Ah git to sing by mahself, without the help of the others, is in season three, but, Ah wouldn’t say that it’s mah favorite. It’s too new. Ah would say that mah favorite song is ‘Art of the Dress,’ from ‘Suited for Success.’”
“Really? I would never have expected that.”
“And why not? D’Ya think Ah’m not classy enough to like a song about dresses?”
I could not tell if Applejack was kidding or if she was righteously indignant. Therefore, I decided to err on the side of caution and apologize.
“I’m sorry, I apologize. I meant no offence.” Huh, I have been saying that a lot today. “I just meant that everypony else I have interviewed so far today said their favorite song was one in which their character was the main, or, one of the main vocalists. I must say, it is refreshing to talk to somepony who does not seem to be shamelessly promoting themselves.”
Blushing, misjudging my weight and the slipperiness of the silk bed coverings, and not realizing her own strength, Applejack pushed me so hard that I slid to the edge and fell off The Great and Powerful Trixie's Alicorn sized glorious golden four-poster wheel-less bed-carriage. “Shucks, Ah didn’t mean it like that, Ah just enjoyed the chorography between Rarity and the dress forms. It took a lot of work and it paid off in a big way. Hay, where’d ya go?”
While Applejack was talking I landed, painfully, on my back. What I assume to be the floor of Hammerspace was very hard. Oddly enough, I landed next to the Discord Mareppet in the same position that he was in. I swear this thing is laughing at me. When she inquired as to my whereabouts, I raised my left fore hoof and waved it back and forth, “I’m down here, I’ll be back in a moment, I kind of hurt myself when I fell.”
“How’d ya do that? Hammerspace is soft.”
The confusion I felt at that statement made me forget the pain I was in as I quickly sat up and climbed back onto The Great and Powerful Trixie's Alicorn sized glorious golden four-poster wheel-less bed-carriage. “Well, the floor- ground- part you walk on is hard.”
Applejack smiled with realization, “Oh, Ah git it, ya don’t understand. I bet ya see Hammerspace as a big ol’ white void, don’t cha?”
“Of course I do, that’s what it is, right?”
“Ya could say that it‘s a ‘white void,’ but Ah prefer ta think of it as an easily erasable blank canvas. Remember, this is a creation from the mind of Pinkie Pie. Whutever you imagine Hammerspace ta be, that’s whut it’ll be.” Applejack stood up and walked to the edge of The Great and Powerful Trixie's Alicorn sized glorious golden four-poster wheel-less bed-carriage, looked behind herself at me, and winked. “Watch, I’ll show ya.”
With that, Applejack crouched down and, using all her might, jumped off The Great and Powerful Trixie's Alicorn sized glorious golden four-poster wheel-less bed-carriage and about two meters into the air. She curled up into a ball and let gravity pull her down to what I assumed was the floor of Hammerspace.
“Woo-Hoo! Cannonbaaallll!”
When she hit what I thought was the floor, she splashed through the bottom of the white void sending a huge column of it into the air where it disappeared and ripples through the white void water that dissipated before they hit anything. Then, instead of swimming to the top, which would have made sense, the void changed texture again, this time it took the form of a giant trampoline canvas that was stretching down with Applejack at the center. It stopped stretching down, however, and a split-second later, as trampolines are wont to do, quickly returned to its non-stretched state rocketing Applejack skyward.
Applejack shifted her body weight so that all four of her legs were pointing upward, her ascension slowed and then finally stopped. She was hanging upside down in midair looking down at me for several seconds before I realized she was standing on the ceiling of Hammerspace. Or, was it the floor?
As though she anticipated my thoughts, Applejack shouted down to me. “Ah’m on the ceiling! Don’t think any different, ‘cause if’n ya do, you’ll fall up!”
She’s on the ceiling, I’m on the floor. She’s on the ceiling, I’m on the floor. She’s on the ceiling, I’m on the floor. She’s on the floor, I’m on the ceiling… BUCK!
The gravity of Hammerspace pulled my body upwards towards the floor that Applejack was standing on. Lucky for me, I was still on The Great and Powerful Trixie's Alicorn sized glorious golden four-poster wheel-less bed-carriage and was able to grab hold of the canopy and pull myself to the center of it. However, it was not strong enough to hold my body weight and quickly ripped sending me careening upwards toward the floor. In what seemed to be almost no time at all, I reached terminal velocity. Needless to say, this entire ordeal caused me to scream like a little filly.
“Stupid flimsy fabric!”
Applejack sighed, rolled her eyes, muttered something that sounded something like “numb grass,” then shouted, “Hold on! Ah’m a’comin’ ta git ya!”
She stood up on her hind legs, jumped off the ceiling, and swam down to me. I was sort beginning to understand how Hammerspace worked. As I watched Applejack swim towards me, my body slowed down as if it was surrounded by water. Now that I was underwater, I was afraid to breath, because I did not want to drown.
Applejack, who was treading water beside to me now, she is a fast swimmer, saw that I was struggling to hold my breath and scoffed, “Ya know, ya don’t have ta hold yer breath, yer not underwater.”
I took a few deep breaths, thankful for regaining the ability to fill my lungs with precious oxygen, and started treading water with Applejack. We were treading water in midair several meters above the storage shelves for about two minutes before I asked, “So, how do we get down?”
“Well, ya seem ta have gotten the hang of treadin’ air, why don’t cha swim down? Remember, ya don’t have ta worry about holdin’ yer breath. Me? Ah’m gonna take the stairs.”
I am a professional and a gentlecolt, however, hearing that there were stairs made my frustration almost impossible to hide, “There are stairs?!”
“Only if ya imagine ‘em, but that’s kinda advanced fer a beginner, you’d be better off sticking with swimmin’, which is somethin’ ya know.”
With that, Applejack began walking on air in a downward corkscrew motion and I swam through the air behind her doing the frog stroke. Successfully slowly swimming downward through the air is a weird sensation. After several seconds, we made it to what I assume to be the floor of Hammerspace. I faced another problem when I got there because I was stuck standing upside down on my front hooves with my hind legs floating limply back and forth above me in the nonexistent water.
“Uh, Applejack, how do I-”
“Imagine yer not in the water.”
I did as she said and gravity asserted itself on my hind legs. As we climbed back onto The Great and Powerful Trixie's Alicorn sized glorious golden four-poster wheel-less bed-carriage, a thought occurred to me and I voiced it aloud to Applejack, “If Hammerspace is like this, what was with all the scraping and shaking when Mistress Pinkamena’s legs were here?”
“‘Cause either you, Pinkie, or both of ya’ll thought they should exist. If ya imagine Hammerspace ta be a certain way hard enough, then it'll be that way fer everypony inside Hammerspace. The strongest imagination wins here, but as long as nopony thinks too hard, then Hammerspace will be whutever to whoever. Or, ta put in simple terms, because magic.”
I began pacing in a circle around the mattress of The Great and Powerful Trixie's Alicorn sized glorious golden four-poster wheel-less bed-carriage, “Even though I’m a Unicorn, I loathe that explanation. ‘Why can Pegasi move clouds?’ ‘Because magic.’ ‘How can a bear be made entirely out of night sky?’ “Because magic.’ ‘If the world is round, how did Nightmare Moon expect to trap the entire world in eternal night?’ ‘Because magic.’ ‘How can Princess Celestia make the two thousand billion billion billion kilogram sun rise and set?’ ‘Because magic!’”
By the end of my little rant, I was seething and had a tiny bit of spittle foaming at the left corner of my mouth. I looked up at Applejack and she was staring down at me with a look that questioned my mental stability. I realized where I was and what I was supposed to be doing. I cleared my throat, wiped the spittle off, made an attempt to straighten my mane only to be reminded that it was not there by not feeling it, composed myself, and said, “Sorry, I seem to have gotten a little sidetracked, please, forgive my tirade.”
“Ya came close ta treason there with yer li’l rant, but Ah suppose since it wasn’t technically treason, Ah could let it slide.” Applejack said with a smile and a wink.
“It is not treason, it is science.”
“That’s whut Ah said, or whut Ah meant.”
“Getting back on track, what is your…” I thought for a minute, I had forgotten what questions I had already asked. I checked my notebook and, “Ah, yes, what is your favorite episode of Friendship is Magic?”
“Mah favorite episode? Hmm, it’s hard ta decide, but, Ah guess, if’n Ah had ta choose just one it would be: ‘Fall Weather Friends.’”
My ears drooped and crestfallen I said, “Oh.”
“Whut’s with that reaction?”
“It was so refreshing to interview somepony who was not…” I had to choose my words carefully. I did not want to say the word “selfish,” because none of them were. I also did not want to say “vainglorious” for the same reason. Therefore, I changed my wording, “I mean it was refreshing to interview somepony who put the talents and accomplishments of her friends above herself.”
“Rainbow is the center focus of the episode, Ah’m just a li’l off ta her right, helpin’ her along ta learn her lesson.”
“There was always something that bothered me about that episode. Twilight was there to be the judge, so why did she not disqualify Rainbow Dash when she continuously used her wings to gain an unfair advantage?”
“The truth is that there are a lot of plot holes in that episode.”
I am a professional and a gentlecolt, however, my dirty mind combined with that perfectly innocent single entendre made me fall backward onto the silk sheets in a fit of laughter.
“…Ah’m not sure whut’s so funny. Sure, if the writers tried harder, they might have been able ta fill those holes-”
My laughter grew more raucous and uncontrollable, and in between laughs, I howled, “Ha! The writers, ha, ha, ha, could have, ha, ha, filled the plot holes!”
Applejack looked at me in bewilderment, “Of course, if the plot was more defined it would’ve been more enjoyable-”
It was getting hard to breathe and my sides were aching, “Stop!” I shouted between gasping breaths, and a weird wheezing sound I make when I laugh too hard, “I can’t (gasp!), it hurts (gasp!) My sides! (gasp!)”
It was at this moment that Applejack thought that I was hysterical and figured a good way to bring me back to my senses was to shake me by my lapel and bitch slap me across both sides of my muzzle. She was not wrong, that sobered me up real quick.
As she shook and slapped me she shouted, “Git a hold of yerself! Whut in Tartarus is yer problem?”
Now back to my senses, I rubbed the pain out of my stinging cheeks. “I apologize, however do you really not realize what you just said?”
With a look of concern on Applejack’s face she said, “Sugar cube, all Ah did was tell you whut was wrong with ‘Fall Weather Friends,’ and for no reason you just fell over in a laughin’ fit.”
Once again, I involuntarily face hoofed. “No reason?! You just… you were… Aargh!” I took a deep, ragged breath, hung my head, and continued in defeat. “Is there anything else you would like to say before we wrap up this interview?”
As obliviously as possible, Applejack answered, “If’n ya git tired of the big city, come ta Sweet Apple Acres, Granny Smith says we could always use big, strong stallions ta help with the buckin’.”
“You’re just messing with me now aren’t you?” I deadpanned. “You know that I am shorter than you, and you have more than proven that you are much stronger than I am.”
As earnestly as possible, Applejack tried her best to comfort me, “Sure, yer a li’l short, but, if somepony took the time ta train ya, help ya workout the muscles in yer hind legs, Ah’d bet ya’d be great at buckin’. Come harvest time, we could use all the help we can git.”
Un. Be. Lievable.
That was it, I had had enough. She was too innocent (or I was too much of a degenerate), if I stayed here any longer, I may have to spell out a few things for her. However, to do that would be to steal that innocence, and as tempting as that would be, I was too much of a gentlecolt to do so. The only thing left to do was to say our goodbyes and part ways.
“Thank you for your time, Applejack,” I said as I stood up, smiled, and offered my left foreleg for a hoofshake, “it has been… interesting interviewing you.”
“Aw, shucks, Ah had a good time too.” Applejack said as she reciprocated the smile and the hoofshake.
I jumped off The Great and Powerful Trixie's Alicorn sized glorious golden four-poster wheel-less bed-carriage, pointed to the door, turned my head back to face Applejack and said, “So, I just go out the door and I will be back in the studio?”
“Eeyup, That‘s whut I said.”
“And you didn’t come in from anyplace strange or embarrassing?”
Applejack tapped her chin and thought for a moment, “Hmm, Ah don’t think so.”
Thank Celestia for that.
“Goodbye!” I shouted behind myself as I figure skated to the door, pulling off a perfect double Salchow, however, I face-planted while trying to pull off a triple lutz, causing Applejack to applaud then laugh. Luckily, the floor was a memory foam mattress so I was fine. I got up and continued rowing my canoe toward the door.
I finally made it to the door, I walked through it and it closed behind me. Once again, I was in total darkness.
“BUCK!”