//------------------------------// // Chapter six completely wasted hours // Story: My Voice in a Head // by Lord Destrustor //------------------------------// Chapter 6 *flush* We stepped out of the bathroom, closed the door behind us, and slumped against it. Welp, that was super-awkward for everyone involved. -I can’t believe this just seriously happened. --I feel like an exhibitionist. -Well I feel molested. Silver rubbed a hoof across his still-lobster-red face and looked at the time. -Oh my god that took forty-five minutes? --It’s really hard to concentrate with somepony watching me! I just get nervous, it’s not my fault! -Boy, I sure am glad I’m not actually a pony; we’d have been there for hours! --You know what I meant. It was even worse than having someone staring at me the whole time. -Yeah, I never want to have to live this again. There has to be someone you can ask for help! You already have unicorns and all that fairy-tale stuff, there has to be an old wizard in a tower or something who can fix this! --Why yes of course! I’ll just go and have a chat with Starswirl the Bearded, because every town in Equestria has been assigned a mystical problem-solving sage years ago as part of the anti-weird stuff initiative! -I get the distinct feeling you’re pulling my leg. “Well of course I am! What makes you think there’s anyone in Ponyville qualified to handle strange and unusual… problems like those that seem… to… happen… every... other… week. …Right here in Ponyville.” -Hmmm, I seem to suddenly feel like a goddamn idiot. Could it mayhap have something to do with you, good sir? --Why didn’t I think of her before? -Because my charming personality has you mesmerized? “I don’t even like you!” -Oh yeah. So who is this pony and how can she help us? “Twilight Sparkle.” --Wait for it… -Wait for what? --Aren’t you going to mock her name or something? -Look, if she can get me back home I don’t care about her freaking name. As long as she can fix this she could be called Poopface McSnuggleshaft and I’d still get her portrait tattooed on my heart! “Uggh, you are so vulgar!” -All the more reason to do everything you can to get me out of here as fast as possible! Now get up and let’s go meet that Twister Pickle! --But… -But what? You had other plans for tonight? You want us to go cuddle next to a good fire and read a book? You’d rather cook us a nice romantic dinner that we could eat by candlelight? I must say I was glad to feel a reassuring amount of disgust at my own words. “What are you even talking about? We’re not a couple! Eww!” -Well, I just lived through what felt like another guy touching me places while simultaneously touching that same guy in the same places. For nearly an hour. I’m pretty sure that qualifies as marriage in some countries. --I don’t want to hear about your creepy human countries! -Well then get off your brown hairy butt and do something about me! Yeah, confidence, annoyance and frustration! He was fed up with me, and he was going to go find a way to fix this! I could feel it! I could feel his teeth grinding and his forelegs twitching, in a way that made me think that if he had hands he’d have been clenching his fists. “You know what? Fine! I’m going to do it! I’m going to make you go away! I’m getting tired of you, your attitude, and your vulgarity! No one thinks your little jokes are funny! Just shut up forever and let me deal with this!” He rose to our hooves and marched straight to the door. -Okay, this… this is kind of awesome. --Pfft. That ridiculous tree? -Oh, yeah, of course! The only thing I like about your stupid world is the one thing you hate. What a surprise! We were standing about twenty feet from a gigantic tree, unnaturally wide for its height, whose trunk was covered with a surreal amount of windows and little birdhouse-like extensions sticking out everywhere. Balconies and platforms stuck out the sides to allow access to stuff like a telescope and even a live, buzzing beehive. --I don’t hate it, I just don’t like the idea of it. -It’s a giant tree that is also a house. How can it be anything but awesome? It’s the ultimate treehouse! Every kid’s dream! --Yes, well, who do you think drew the plans for that house? No one! If this thing ever becomes popular I’ll be out of a job! Also there are bees up there; all the more reason to be vigilant. -Oh that’s just rich! That’s such a stupid, bullshit… uh, actually legitimate concern. …Huh. Well, not the bees, I mean, but… Wait, since when can you make sense? --Shut up, I’m an engineer, it’s my job to make sense! -Yeah, like that whole story this morning about a princess bringing the sun itself down on everyone’s heads. That was wholly credible. I felt him hesitate for a moment, raising a hoof off the ground. --Well, I don’t think she actually would, but… anyway, let’s just do this. -Yeah, get to it. His hoof came back down as his first step towards the bright red door. He knocked politely once we were standing in front of it, with a little leg motion that felt like sweeping crumbs off of a table. -Are you sure she’s even going to be there? And what are you even going to tell her? --Of course she’s going to be there, she’s always here! And I’m just going to tell her that- A young male voice interrupted his thoughts with the fairly obvious-in-hindsight news that “Forget it, we’re closed! Twilight’s not here!” Because of course. Of course he would say something like that. Silver Spring responded to the apparently irritated young guy with a sound that would probably be spelled something like “Wdlgluduh”, raising both forelegs in a kind of “oh come on!” position just long enough for me to wonder how that was possible without falling on our face. “WHAT?” He yelled through the door. “What do you mean, she’s not here? She’s always here! And why would her absence make you close?” -Dude calm your tits. The kid let out an audible grunt of frustration before we heard him grumble his way to the door. -I’m starting to like this kid. He seems way cooler than OH WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING? The door had opened just wide enough for a weird purple-and-green lizard thing to peek through angrily. “Look, pal,” The reptile said with the kid’s voice, “Twilight’s not here, okay? She freaked out about an hour ago about a book order from Canterlot being late and took off to go track it down. And surprise surprise, it got here about fifteen minutes after she left. Now guess what? Guess who has to sort and shelf it all? Little old me! And that means I don’t have time for you or whatever you want, and since the lady Booktyrant isn’t here to stop me from closing the place, you can just deal with it!” And with that, he slammed the door in our face. -Aw man, why couldn’t I get stuck in his head? He sounds so much more fun than you! --Could you at least pretend to be serious for a moment? “Hey, Spike, wait! When is she going to be back?” Silver Spring called out, his eyes apparently trying to bore right through the wick of the candle painted on the door. “As if I’d even know that!” Came the annoyed reply. “It’s not like she gave me a schedule! She’s probably halfway to Canterlot by now, so I don’t know! Try again tomorrow, we’re open from nine to three on weekends.” Silver opened his mouth to protest, but simply chose to lean his head on the wall next to the door. For a moment I could hear the little lizard boy doing what I had to assume was some book-related work while cursing under his breath. Then Silver put a few inches of distance between the wall and his forehead, and brought them back together again. And again. And again. --Why. Why. Why. Why. Is. Everything. So. Stupid. And. Annoying. Today? Why. Is. This. Happening. To. Me? I. Hate. This. I. Hate. You. I hate. Every. Fucking. Thing. Ever. Yep, banging his head on the wall to punctuate every word. That’s how frustrated he was. It was getting pretty annoying, to be honest. And painful, too. -Okay, now would be a pretty good time to calm down, you jackass. The good thing is that this made him stop his little drum solo of pain, although it wasn’t hard to guess that the sound of my voice was the very last thing he wanted to hear. Being located inside his mind didn’t really make it a challenge anyways, but still. It wouldn’t have been hard even if I wasn’t in there. He stepped away from the door to start stomping his way back to his house, his jaw clenched tightly to avoid screaming out loud. Or maybe he was just that angry. I know I was getting really fed up with all of this. --Calm down? Why would I calm down when the entire world just wants to make me mad? Everything has gone wrong all day and I’m just supposed to be happy about it? -Oh boo-hoo! How do you think I’m feeling? At least you still have your goddamn body! Do I really have to remind you how your day hasn’t been as bad for you as it’s been for me? You beat the deadline on a big project so hard that it earned you an early weekend, that’s something, right? In the meantime, I only had the immense pleasure of being trapped in the head of a guy who hates me and tells me to be quiet all the time while he goes on with his stupid boring life I couldn’t possibly care less about, when all I have left of myself is my fucking voice! How in the world can your day have been even remotely as bad as mine? Oh poor little pony, all trapped in the horrible TOTAL FREEDOM AND SAFETY he enjoys! His steps lost their intensity as he slowed down, his rage quickly faltering. He opened his mouth just long enough to say “I” before catching himself and continuing mentally: --I… Is that really how it feels for you? How I’ve been treating you? Having all my anger robbed from me in an instant like that was pretty destabilizing, and it took me a second or so to comprehend what had just happened. -I, uh, I guess? Uh, look, I know I can get pretty annoying when I want, but… I mean, who wouldn’t in my place? Do you even realize how much this sucks for me? I would kill to get back in my own body! I lost an extremely fundamental part of myself, the one thing I was reasonably sure I could rightfully take for granted in my life, and then I hear you whining about stupid shit like that! It’s not fair! You have no right to complain about anything! I felt his ears flatten on his head, which he kept low to the ground while a feeling of wordless guilt crept up in our minds. Ergh… I shouldn’t have said all that. What was even the point of it if it just made me feel terrible for nothing? --I don’t… hate you, I just hate the fact that you’re here. You… you’re right, I guess my problems aren’t that horrible when you say it like that. I’m sorry. -Yeah, I guess I should apologize too for being such an asshole all the time. Besides, it’s just one more day, right? We can survive until then, can’t we? His posture straightened back up, as did his ears - which was still something that was weird as fuck to feel- and he looked up to see that we were already back at his house. The nice little lawn unevenly trimmed and surrounded by a small fence seemed almost inviting when I saw it, noting a hint of pride about it. Or something. I don’t really understand how one would be proud of a lawn, but anyway. --Yes, maybe one more day won’t be so atrocious if you behave. Who knows, maybe you’ll go back sometime during the night, just like how you got here? -Man, that’d be awesome! In the meantime, how about doing something fun? I propose getting absolutely plastered! His hoof hesitated on the door latch. --Uh, what? -You know, getting totally shitfaced? --Uhhh… eww? -Wasted? --Nope, still no clue what you’re trying to say. -Oh for the love of… DRUNK! Let’s get so drunk you pass out until tomorrow to see if your little theory pans out! If anything, it’ll make the time seem to pass a hell of a lot faster! --Oh sweet pegasus pinions no! I can only guess about you, but I drink responsibly! And most importantly, I certainly don’t want to even think about trusting a drunk me with you still in here! You’d suggest stupid things and I wouldn’t have the common sense to tell you no! Can you imagine the chaos? -Ugh if I had to be stuck in someone duller than you I’d be in a freaking rubber knife! And even then the knife would be useful for some funny pranks at least! He rolled his eyes and entered the house. The comfortingly familiar mess of the main room greeted us once more as Silver paced around the place without any particular goal in mind. --Well excuse me for not obeying the alien voice in my head telling me to go incapacitate myself for “fun”. No matter how you twist it it still sounds like a recipe for disaster. -But the fuuuun… --Oh stop whining will you? I don’t want to go out there right now just to give ponies more reasons to think I’m insane! I’m not blind you know, I know how odd I’ve been acting all day. So I’m just going to sit here, lay low, and wait for tomorrow. And with that, his butt hit the floor on the spot and he crossed his arms. Trying once again to ignore how a pony’s legs could ever work like that, I noticed I could see the wall-mounted clock from our position. -You do realize it’s like three in the afternoon, right? It’s going to be a looong while to wait. He deflated, lowering our torso back to the ground with a sound halfway between a sigh and a groan. --Ugh, you’re right, I can’t just sit here! I should probably go clean up the mess in my room and… stuff. I’m definitely not used to getting home so early on Fridays. He got back up, making his way up the stairs after grabbing a broom from a closet. Oh goody, I’d soon get to know how one can sweep floors without hands with which to hold tools. Yay. Before we could get to that, though, the wall caught his attention. He raised a hoof to feel the small dents left in the wood. --Did I… really leap and bounce on the wall this morning? -I guess so. I didn’t pay much attention to the wall-jumps in the middle of all the yelling and being-a-pony. What, so you don’t normally do this? --Of course not! That would be completely insane! -Yes and you’ve already proven without a doubt that you are an exceptionally stable individual. --I would be perfectly calm if you weren’t here and you know it! -Enh, fair enough. He decided to stop lingering in the staircase and actually do what he had set out to do. It was then that I noticed that walking up stairs was a much bigger difference for ponies when compared to normal walking. Since their normal stride kept their hooves much closer to the ground than a human would, climbing the relatively steep incline of a set of stairs required a noticeably different set of motions; much like going from walking to climbing a ladder for humans. -How do ponies climb ladders, actually? “Waddajshu ewwen dakgging abawd?” --What are you even talking about? Even though the words had been slurred beyond recognition by the broom held in our mouth, the thoughts themselves were perfectly clear. Oh yeah, some other weird stuff I had only subconsciously noticed until now: every time he spoke out loud created an echo, where I’d hear the thoughts he was speaking juuust before the ears actually heard them. I’d have been more thrilled by these little discoveries if I had actually wanted any of this in the first place. -Why are you still talking to me out loud? --I don’t know! Sometimes I slip, I guess! The bedroom was a mess: the upturned furniture, the pieces of broken mirror littering a corner, the sheets lying just about everywhere except the bed. I felt bad for that, considering it had all been indirectly caused by me. I probably would have offered to help if I had been here in person, but I guess being literally puppet-ed into doing it anyway was more or less the same. Sweeping the floor with teeth clenched around a broom and arms only useful for direction proved to be only one more occasion to miss my hands dearly. Righting a dresser with what amounted to boxing gloves in terms of dexterity was another, and making a bed with my mouth made me seriously question why ponies would even bother with civilization when even its most basic tasks made anything but hands feel so depressingly inadequate. But hey, at least it was done. -So what else are we going to do until tomorrow? I’m getting pretty bored and depressed now. --I don’t know, maybe I could show you around my workshop? -You have a workshop? --Well, yes. I think I told you I’m good at tinkering with machines, right? I noticed he had taken a habit of standing perfectly still while we were having conversations like that, the broom currently leaning against the base of his neck. I guessed he didn’t want to be distracted by my unease whenever his body moved. Fine by me, actually. -Yeah, and that you’re an engineer. --I have this shed in the backyard where I just make all sorts of contraptions in my free time, it’s really entertaining! There was a faint sense of excitement slowly creeping up, something I should have known was a bad sign, something I should have been wary of, but at the time I had no clue. That awkward feeling of being told in great detail about something you just don’t care for, by someone extremely passionate about it, and being too polite to just up and say that you don’t really give a shit? It’s even worse being on both sides of the scenario at once. If only I had known of the following hours, I’d have insisted for the booze, to go take a walk, or just about anything that would have helped me avoid the consequences of saying: -Sure, let’s go check it out, I guess. It’s not like we either have anything better to do, or that I have a choice anyway. Hey, Past Dave? Sometimes you should learn to shut the fuck up.