It was but a glimpse; such a simple moment in time. It all happened so fast that it caught me completely off guard. I had seen things like it before, but not like I did that day.
The sun was beating down a torrent of heat outside, yet it shined bright with ray of victory. The humidity was kept to a minimum due to the lack of rain for a few days, and a couple of rogue clouds whisked the sky, clearing it of all impurities while the rest of the heavens remained a deep blue. The occasional breeze swept past workers like myself; a gift from the sun, if you will. See, we had become good friends over the years of my farm work. Honestly, I probably spoke to the sun silently more than I spoke to most of my friends. We had a thing.
I was sitting, resting from my work. The shade from a faithful tree was my small oasis. Sis always had a friend over after she finished up with her work, but I rarely saw them. Something about that day was different, I guess. I saw AJ coming up the road towards town, though my mind paid no heed to her. She had come up the same road the same way so many times before. I looked to the sky and silently begged for cooler weather, a prayer that was used often by the Apples and memorized at an early age by the example of our elders. When I looked back at the road, AJ and her friend were passing me by. That’s when it happened.
I had never seen this friend before, and I could not remember AJ talking about her prior to that day. As I saw them passing me, there was not a word or glance given to my direction. Yet my eyes could only behold what was presented before me. I’m honestly not sure whether it was her eyes or her face I noticed first, but I was in a trance the moment I saw them. A trance I have yet to escape from.
Her green eyes seemed to wrap around my mind, assuring me they would never leave. They gave a sense of comfort and calmness. Peace, even. They were the diamonds out of the rough, the kind miners can only dream of, not yet tainted by a world of debauchery and filth. They had more shine than any physical gem and were more priceless than the Princess’ jewels. And yet, they seemed to know of the entire world. Innocent but not naïve; understanding but shining with wisdom. Still they were exciting. I could see a performance inside her eyes, and oh was it a great show. An orchestra full of veteran musicians accompanied by their renowned conductor. They were anxious and prepared, as if the symphony they would bring was the climax of their lives. With the rise of the conductor’s stick, they began to play the songs of the pirates from days of old. Reminding me of my youthful days, days I spent finding adventure instead of finding work.
Days before the tragedy; before I fell into the pit of everlasting loneliness.
Her smiling cheeks seemed to hit me in a way I had never been struck before. They tyrannically dictated my happiness to expand without end giving no regard to whether I wanted to be in such a state or not. I was forcibly joyous when I saw them smile and curve over her jowls. They rounded over her face like two snow-capped mountains in a beautiful scene, the kind of mountains only the privileged could afford to ski on in the winter time. Her smile was the waterfall to my desert existence. Even when not directed at me, her pure face could only reach out and embrace me with the warmth of contentment.
Her body, while pleasant to seek, was unlike any other. It emanated beauty from every corner and radiated with the rays of fulfillment. Smooth yet toned, the likes of which resounded from self-mastery and discipline. Her mane and tail, only shades lighter than her body fur, appeared completely angelic. It sang the songs of organic and natural things and promised purity that the rest of her partook of. Even the posture of her walking form was perfection. She was going somewhere, but enjoying the trip as well, taking in things around her to receive the most the moment could offer. Ironic, in that a consumer of beauty is beauty in and of herself.
Her laugh was art: more pleasant to the ears than any musical journey ever written, resounding with happiness and the radiant feelings she gave to those around her.
So as time stopped for a brief moment as my brain computed what my eyes had seen, it ended as soon as it began. My moment of joy was short-lived as the pair rounded the corner and became veiled by the trees again.
I wanted to reach out and touch her; not to fulfill the urge of lust, but to have a physical connection. I wanted to taste the flavors of her persona; feel the vibrations of life she expounded upon our world. My feelings for her were beyond sexual, surpassed them even. I wanted to be a part of her; to connect on a spiritual level was my goal. I wanted her presence in my life to never end.
And as I thought about these things, I realized I would never have her in my life. She was a creation from above the clouds and I was an unworthy onlooker. She would go on in life as she pleased and I would stay here with my trees. It was the way things worked. Not only was I undeserving of love from an angel of her magnitude, but she deserved far more than a simpleton as myself could ever offer. She deserved more than a farm life of labor and low income. She deserved foals that could not be tainted by the blood of a failure. She deserved a spouse who was strong not only physically but emotionally as well. I certainly lacked the latter.
She deserved to have a mother and father in law. Her children deserved grandparents. Her friends deserved to be jealous of her spouse and her life with him. She deserved to have whatever she asked for, no matter the cost. She deserved something… someone better.
As she rounded the road out of my sight, so she left my life. She left me sitting, once again alone. Clouds congregated suddenly across the sky and it began to rain rather heavily. Thunder and lightning soon followed. Forced to ponder my existence I could not help but feel the agony of failure, the pang of hopes crushed, the dreams of youth die and the life sucked right out of my bones. I was paralyzed both physically and mentally. It was a feeling I would not wish upon an enemy. All this from a passive rejection.
Then came the voices. “You could have done something. You SHOULD have done something. You are nothing. You are not worth the dirt you till. It is good you said nothing. You do not deserve the happiness she would give you.” They go on.
What felt like an hour must have only been about five minutes. Five soul-crushing minutes. I regained the will to move, but not to live. Nonetheless, there was work to do. Work I deserved to do. I was destined to farm this land until death then I would be buried in it. This would conclude my existence. No more love from parents, no spouse, no foals of my own.
After all, I would not want someone to share this pain.