The Wonder Years
Chapter 1: O Captain My Captain
Wonderbolt Academy, Cloudsdale
Captain’s Office
She cradled the small piece of tin in her hoof. Funny, really. It was nothing more than a few pieces of metal and paint—it had probably cost five and a quarter bits to manufacture. But packed into the little pin was everything Rainbow Dash desired—everything she’d ever dreamt of.
Captain of the Wonderbolts.
When she had so brazenly barged into Spitfire’s office to complain about Lightning Dust’s recklessness all those years ago, Dash never figured she’d be sitting on the other side of the desk—well, not so soon, at least, and definitely not under these circumstances.
Captain of the Wonderbolts.
A lightning bolt set between open wings, brushed in gold. The insignia marked the dividing line between Wonderbolt First Class Rainbow Dash, the fastest flyer in Equestria, and a new title that was rapidly turning into a lead weight.
Captain of the Wonderbolts.
No one had seen Spitfire’s sudden resignation coming, least of all Rainbow Dash. It wasn’t how she’d imagined earning her promotion. It left a bad taste in her mouth.
Even so, that first day she’d fastened the last button of her new uniform, it had felt like a lover’s first caress. Thrilling. Sexy. But always lurking in the back of her mind, undermining, neighsaying, always bringing her down, was a little voice.
Fraud. You didn’t really earn this.
It was the same voice.
Her self-doubt.
The Best Young Flyer’s competition? It was there. Those first days at the academy? It was there. No matter what heights she achieved, she’d never truly left it behind.
She pinned the badge back onto its proper place: the right-breast pocket of her suit jacket. The crisp navy-blue uniform fit perfectly across her trim body; cut with all the precision of a perfect V-formation. The ponyester fabric flowed around the wing openings and up around her neck, with none of itchiness, none of the feeling of constriction she’d expected—a testament to Rarity’s excellent tailoring.
What a difference a week made, however. Now, the cuffs had begun to feel more like manacles, and her tie, a ten-ton yoke weighing down her neck.
Ha! Even the spacious office she’d inherited with its spectacular view overlooking the training field below now felt like a prison cell. The window didn’t need bars to make it so.
If it was any consolation, it did come with a beautiful new oak desk, finished to a glossy shine. Each time she ran a hoof over its smooth varnish, it felt to her like as sensuous as a dawnlit flight through Ponyville skies. On the flipside was the stacks and stacks of paperwork—about ten times that of even her worst days as Ponyville's Lead Weather Manager, by Rainbow's estimate—so large that any regular desk may well have snapped under the burden.
Rainbow Dash wondered, and not for the first time, if fate was playing a cruel joke on her. The term, “Be careful what you wish for,” echoed in her mind.
Just as they slipped, she slid her Hayviators back up her snout. The smoked glass obscured her eyes as they flicked over the newspaper clippings scattered haphazardly over the surface of her desk. They told the tale of her predicament quite succinctly.
‘Wonder-bolting! Budget Cut Has Famous Flyers Scrambling For An Exit’ screamed one headline, gargantuan block letters taking up half of the frontpage. Others followed in a similar vein, chronicling the departure of members of the Wonderbolt senior staff.
A three-point shot, and another ball of crumpled paper joined the mishmash of budget reports, editorials, and hatemail penned by fans of the former captain. All gathered into a pile at the bottom of the wastebasket parked several feet away in the furthest corner from her desk. Rainbow prefered a challenge.
The chair’s casters let out an irritable squeak as Rainbow slumped in her high backed executive’s chair. “Great. Just great.”
One week trying to stem the outflow of fellow officers and here she was: calling every Wonderbolt from across Equestria for a single meeting.
It left her drained. The faux-leather cradling her form was a comfort. Like most every other piece of furniture, it was brand new, an ancient tradition meant to give each leader a fresh start, free from any bad omens left by their predecessor.
Her gaze fell onto the cloud-couch parked by the door, and its current occupant, the first of her officers to show up. She appeared to be in middle of shifting a few out-of-place feathers in her right wing, and, in an impressive display of flexibility, all the while lounging on her back.
“Lightning Dust, you mind not grinding your grubby hooves into my new couch?”
Dust paused in her preening and smirked. “You mean like this?” Dash frowned as Dust ground her rear hooves into the fluffy cushions. “Oh yeah, this is real comfy.” She rolled onto her side and spread a large muscular wing open, going back to her task. Both the upholstery and floor quickly became speckled with little green fragments. Catching her superior’s glare, she returned the same signature cocksure grin she’d always sported. “Didn’t anypony tell you it’s impolite to stare, Dash?” she said, flexing her wing fully open. “Not that I blame you for being interested, of course.”
Rainbow Dash just rolled her eyes. Even now as Second Lieutenant Lightning Dust, the cocky stunt flier hadn’t changed much since they’d started at the Academy. Dust reminded Dash of an immature version of herself, with the same hotshot swagger that rubbed many of her squadmates the wrong way. Luckily, she had just enough raw talent to back up her attitude. At the very least a reprimand or twelve had tempered her former wingpony’s reckless streak…a tiny, tiny bit.
Their previously heated relationship had cooled into an almost friendly rivalry since what Rainbow Dash referred to as the ‘You feathering flank-face! You almost killed my friends!’ incident, or as Lightning Dust called it: the ‘Not my fault a feathering balloon flew into restricted airspace!’ thing. Dash had no doubt Dust resented being number two once again; she certainly gave her more attitude than usual the moment news of Rainbow’s promotion came out.
“No fair, Dusty. Dropping innuendo on Rainbow is my schtick.” Cloud Kicker slipped into the office with a flourish of violet plumage, stretching each wing open individually and spreading them wide like a peacock in mating season. Then again, every season was mating season for Kicker. “Heh, ‘in-your-end-o’,” she snickered. “Anyway, boss, I got—wow. New couch?”
During her time as Ponyville's weather manager, Rainbow had witnessed Cloud Kicker's uncanny ability to sculpt clouds into just the right shape. Now, she watched as her second lieutenant ran a practiced eye over the couch's luxurious cumulus cushioning… and its current occupant, caught in the act of preening a particularly difficult feather.
“Hey, Dust,” she said, brushing away a sharp green splinter of feather from the upholstery. “You thinking what I’m thinking?”
“That depends. Are you taking a vow of celibacy?” Dust dryly replied.
Kicker laughed off the absurd suggestion. “HA! Cute, but wrong. How ’bout we break in this new couch, you and me?” she said with a suggestive wiggle of her eyebrows. “Give it a hard test run.” Lightning Dust tried to scooch as far away as possible only to be too late. With a playful growl, Cloud Kicker pounced on her prey.
Pulling a hoof down her face, Rainbow Dash watched what were supposed to be her two senior wing commanders wrestle like foals. If only replacing them wasn’t so hard.
Looking over at her trophy case, she lingered over an early one from Junior Speedsters. It looked fairly heavy. Yeah, a swift blow to the back of their skulls and it’d all be over. Hiding the bodies among the clouds would be the hard part, but still… accidents happen.
The contest ended quickly with Lightning pinned down, straddled by Cloud Kicker at the waist.
“The winner, and still-reigning champion of the world! Ass Kicking Cloud Kicker!” she cheered, raising her hooves in victory. “And the crowd goes wild!” If she expected applause, she was in for a disappointment. “Never try to outwrestle a Kicker, Dusty. What you gonna do when ‘Cloudamania’ runs wild on you?”
Rainbow let out a long-suffering sigh and clapped her hooves. Yeah, Dust was a pain in the rear sometimes, and if Dash was still a cadet, she would totally be joining Kicker in the roughhousing. She was a different mare now, though. More mature. Tempered by experience. She expected more disciplined behavior from her officers.
“Alright, alright, CK, break it up.”
Cloud Kicker blew a raspberry at being foiled. She helped Lightning Dust back to her hooves, but not before playfully swatting Dust’s flank with her tail. “Anyway, I’ve got good and bad news, boss.”
“Alright. Give me the good news.”
“Your nameplate finally arrived!” Cloud Kicker said with a cheer, removing the slip of metal from one her uniform’s pockets and tossing it into Dash’s waiting hoof. “Nothing’s as official in the military as an etched nameplate on your door. Congrats, O Captain my Captain.”
Grinning for the first time today, Rainbow looked over the black lettering spelling out her name on the gold plate. “Captain Rainbow Miriam Dash…” she read.
Wait a minute.
“CLOUD KICKER!” she snapped.
“What?” Cloud Kicker shrugged her wings. “Hey, don’t blame me. Blame your parents.”
Lightning Dust rolled on the floor in uncontrollable laughter. “Your middle name’s Miriam?!” she wheezed, clutching her sides as she fought for breath. Cloud Kicker clamped her own lips together, doing a poor job of containing a chuckle.
Captain Rainbow Miriam Dash glared death at her subordinates. The effect appeared lost on the pair. One wore a sheepish grin while the other remained coughing on the floor from laughing too hard. “Cloud Kicker,” Dash growled out, her ears flat. “Only my folks call me Miriam! You know that!” Another shrug was all she received in return.
“What can I say, Dashie? If it’s on your birth certificate, it goes on your door.” She snorted. “If the Guard taught me one thing, it’s that the military takes legal names and titles very, very seriously. Besides, I think it’s cute.”
“Yeah, calm down, Miriam,” Lightning Dust sniggered from the ground. “Ha! Miriam!”
Rainbow just rolled her eyes. “Whatever. Like you’re one to talk, Britney.”
“Heh heh… Miriam.” Dust continued to giggle under her breath before clearing her throat. “We should probably get this meeting started.”
Rainbow gathered a stack of papers and patted them together. “Shouldn’t we wait for the others first?”
Two pairs of ears flattened as they shared a wary look.
“Heh... Yeah, that’s kinda the bad news,” said Cloud Kicker. “Which I’ll leave to good ol’ Dusty here.”
Lighting Dust protested as Kicker used a wing to push her forward. “Me? Why me? You tell her.”
“To hay with that!” responded Cloud Kicker. “Why should I do it?”
“She’s your friend!” Dust hissed back.
“Exactly.” Cloud nodded. “That’s why you should say it. Nothing to lose. She already hates you.”
“Hey! She doesn’t hate me, featherbrain! Well, not anymore.”
“Okay, a mild dislike then. I don’t see her mailing you any Hearth’s Warming cards.”
As the bickering escalated, Rainbow Dash gave the wood grain of her new desk a thorough inspection—with her face. She had to admit, Rarity sure knew how to pick furniture; real oak, miles above the cheap particle board Rainbow had suggested. Perhaps she’d invite the designer up to decorate the rest of the office. Aside from the furniture and her trophies, the space was still rather drab. It could certainly do with a touch of class and maybe a touch of color on the walls. Something other than gray, she considered as she watched the argument degenerate into petty insults.
“Okay, guys, I need you to chill, like, right now.”
“At least I didn’t piss off my entire class with my ‘Ooh, look at me, I’m such an ace’ attitude!” shouted Cloud Kicker while poking Lightning Dust in the chest. “Some of us know how to make friends.”
“Guys, seriously…” Rainbow repeated as she massaged her aching temples, growing more frustrated.
Lightning Dust scoffed. Wings flared, she barged forward until she and the blonde pegasus were snout to snout. “Oh, that’s real rich coming from you. I bet I’d have tons of friends too if I’d lift my tail for everything with four hooves and a pulse.”
“Sometimes less than four. I don’t discriminate.”
“You know what? I’m ordering you both to shut up!”
“Well that makes it all right then. Perhaps you should write a book. I can see it now: Relationship advice from the Flying Venereal Disease known as Cloud Kicker.”
“Okay, number one: I get tested on a regular basis. Number two: already writing it and with a much better title. And furthermore—”
“SHUT UP!” Rainbow slammed a hoof on her desk. She took a deep breath and yelled, “What. The. Buck?! Just tell me what the feathering feather is feathering going on! Where is everypony?!”
The pair looked at each other and shared a mutual shrug.
“We’re it, boss,” admitted Cloud Kicker.
Rainbow’s brows furrowed even deeper. “Tell me you’re not serious.”
“I’m not serious,” Cloud Kicker repeated to her captain’s teeth-grinding chagrin.
“...CK.”
Cloud Kicker shrugged.
Dash briefly considered throttling her. She was faster than Kicker; she’d just wrap her hooves around that soft, lavender neck, and squeeze. Dash knew Cloud Kicker had received extensive combat training with the guard before quitting to come to Ponyville, but she figured if she struck quick enough, it wouldn’t be a problem. Besides, saving the world counted as a get out of jail free card, right?
Fortunately, Lightning Dust confirmed the bad news before Dash could put her equicidal plan into action. “’Fraid the perv is right, Dash.” Cloud Kicker playfully stuck out her tongue, which both Dash and Dust ignored. “We’re all that’s left of the senior staff. Can’t really blame them for quitting,” Dust added with a shrug of her wings. “They didn’t wanna risk a hit to their pensions.”
A vein Rainbow had never felt before throbbed at the surface of her forehead.
“Whoa, Dash, you okay?” Cloud Kicker pointed towards the pulsating vessel. “Might want to get that checked out.”
Dash ignored her, still addressing Dust. “So everypony followed Spitfire out the door huh? What about Soarin? Rapidfire? C’mon, even Echo Fleetfoot? She’s not much older than us.”
“Err… let me see, umm…” Lightning Dust grabbed a personnel file from the inside her jacket pocket. “Soarin: early retirement—everypony knows he and Spitfire are an item so no surprises there; Rapidfire didn’t want to stay without his sister in charge, so another early retirement; and Fleetfoot’s got endorsements and modeling offers out the wazoo—ex-Wonderbolt, young, cute, and blind. She’ll end up making more money than any of us.”
Dust raised an eyebrow at the next sheet, showing it to Cloud Kicker. “Kicker, this your hoofwriting?”
Cloud Kicker looked and scratched her head, just as puzzled. “Not mine. I don’t dot my I’s with balloons.”
“Lemme see.” Rainbow Dash reached across and snagged the folder from Cloud Kicker’s outstretched foreleg. An odd command was written in a whimsical scrawl at the bottom of the page. “‘Look in the file cabinet, under the letter S’?” she read aloud.
They all turned as one towards the old, dented file cabinet sitting in the corner, one of the few items not replaced upon Rainbow’s takeover. It took on a sudden malevolence, like a long forgotten unmarked container lurking in the back of a fridge.
Noticing she was currently closest to the suddenly infernal cabinet, Dash joined the other mares, on the side of the desk furthest away from it.
“Well, you’ve always led from the front, Rainbow. You open it,” Cloud Kicker said, pushing her visibly reluctant superior towards the set of drawers.
“Will you chill?” Dash said, shrugging her off. “It’s just some old paperwork or something. But since you’re both so scared of the ohhh so terrifying filing cabinet, I guess it’s up to the Dash, as usual. You two chickens just watch my back in case I’m suddenly attacked by a bloodthirsty swarm of manila folders.”
Lightning Dust and Cloud Kicker might have bought her bluster had she not grabbed a trophy off a shelf.
Slowly, ever so slowly, she pulled open the drawer marked ‘S’, raised the trophy like a cudgel in her other hoof…
And…
“SURPRISE!”
“ARRGH!” Rainbow Dash leapt backwards, blinded by the explosion of confetti at point blank range. Carefully organized stack of documents went flying across the room and to the floor in a flurried mess as she hit the edge of her desk, her hip noting that oak was indeed a very hard wood, flipped over the top, and ended up overturning her chair, one squeaky wheel left spinning lazily in the air.
At some point, she had lost grip of the trophy, and it flew across the room. Its final destination: Cloud Kicker’s face.
Lightning Dust looked from her likely concussed wingmate over to the blonde, white-coated pegasus who was now struggling to extract her torso from the tight space.
Like anypony who had lived in Ponyville and wished to remain relatively sane, Cloud Kicker and Rainbow Dash had developed a certain quirk to the way their minds reacted to impossible events, and in particular, Pinkie Pie. That psychological fail-safe carefully shunted the question, "How did a pony that size get into the filing cabinet?" off to a nice safe deserted area to be properly disposed of later.
Lightning Dust, unfortunately, didn’t have the same fail-safe.
“Phew!” the newcomer cried, pulling her wings out with a pop and wiping the sweat from her brow. “Took you long enough. I’ve been waiting in there for, like, fore-ev-eerrrr! Wow, I haven’t seen a pony fall down and start foaming at the mouth like that since I wrecked Spitfire’s living room while riding a hippopotamus that one time… okay, two times. Soarin thought it was funny.”
With a groan, Rainbow hauled herself up back into her chair. She ignored her subordinate currently having a fit on the floor in favor of staring at her surprise guest feeling a terrible sense of dread.
Poofy blonde mane and tail, powder-white coat, random non-sequiturs. Dash’s eyes lingered on the trio of violet balloons on the mare’s flank.
Surprise. Why did it have to be Surprise? Dash mentally banged her head against an imaginary wall. There was a reason Spitfire had sent the Wonderbolts’ self-proclaimed party planner far far away, all the way across the continent to the western coast of Equestria, put in command of the Wonderbolt reserves. Dash hadn’t personally worked with Surprise much, but she knew of her reputation. She was too wild, too crazy, too unpredictable.
Like Pinkie Pie.
Had an annoying tendency to break out into song at any moment.
Like Pinkie Pie.
Now that she thought about it, Dash wasn’t sure how she’d missed the pattern. Suddenly, she was forced to lean back, her view overtaken by huge violet pupils.
Again, Rainbow found the lack of respect for personal space eerily familiar.
“So were you surprised?! Were ya were ya were ya?” The vibrating facsimile bounced up and down with each repetition. Rainbow opened her mouth, but was cut off as the pegasus backflipped off the desk to land flawlessly with what Dash swore was a sproing. “I really, really hope so. Surprise is my chief weapon… or is it fear?” she added at the end, rubbing her chin. “I always get those two mixed up.”
At Rainbow’s still-blank expression, one shared by the other pegasi in the room, Surprise smacked her noggin. “Silly me. I forgot to introduce myself,” she said with a blush of embarrassment. “How rude. I tell ya, if my wings weren’t bolted on, I’d forget where I’d left them. Thank Celestia I’ve got spares, am I right?” Her smile displayed all her teeth in all their smileriffic glory.
“Err…” Rainbow scratched her mane, still lightheaded.
“Sorry, sorry. Rambling again,” the white pony apologized, then stood up straight, wings flared, chest puffed out. “First Lieutenant Surprise Surprise Surprise, Head of the Wonderbolt Reserve Division reporting for duty, Captain.” Surprise finished with a picture-perfect salute, one that would make even the most stringent drill sergeant weep with joy. Rainbow Dash was about to say something, but was cut off as Surprise pulled a large scroll from her mane. The scroll unwound as she continued, “And acting Lead Drill Instructor, and acting Assistant Drill Instructor, and acting Head Stunt Coordinator, and acting Head Chef of the Cafeteria…” As she rambled on and on, the mound of paper rapidly rose up to her knees. “...And finally, acting Assistant to the Assistant Janitor. But you can just call me Surprise, ma’am. All my friends do.”
Rainbow stared in silence at the stock-still Surprise. Even Cloud Kicker appeared impressed by the lieutenant’s posture. It was textbook perfect; she would have seen enough at Westhoof to know.
“Nice to have you onboard, Pink—I mean Surprise,” Rainbow quickly corrected. Surprise still stood at attention like a marble statue. “Umm… at ease?”
“Oh, thank goodness.” A loud breath escaped from Surprise, and she resumed lightly bouncing. “Standing still is just tooorture!”
“…Right, so—” A thought. The reserves! Of course! Dash felt like smacking herself. The answer to her personnel problem was standing right in front of her. “Surprise,” she said said with her first smile of the day. “Just the mare I need. How fast can you round up the reserves for inspection?”
“Way ahead of you, Captain,” Surprise chirped. “All members of the reserve are present and ready for orders, ma'am.”
“Excellent! Let’s take look.” Dash spun in her chair to face the practice field. It was empty. “Surprise, why don’t I see anypony outside?”
“Because they all quit, duh! It’s just little old me. Not sure why you were looking outside.” She giggled. “Geez, Captain, I figured listing off all my new jobs would’ve tipped you off. Speaking of, any chance I can get a raise?”
“What?!” Dash shouted. “The entire reserve quit? Why?!”
“I dunno.” Surprise gave a small shrug of her wings. “A few of them did say something about not wanting to take orders from Princess Twilight’s pet parrot. I told them, ‘Rainbow Dash doesn’t even like crackers!’ They just looked at me like I was a few snowflakes short of a blizzard. Reserve HQ being empty is a huge problem though,” she added in more serious tone. “ The higher-ups might think we don’t need it anymore and reassign it to somepony else. I know I saw some Royal Guard eyeing up the place when I skedaddled.”
Dash buried her face in her hooves. “Wonderful. Anypony have any more good news?”
“Eh-heh…” Cloud Kicker had a crooked grin on her face. It didn’t fill Rainbow with confidence. “The thing is boss… Actually,” she shoved Lightning Dust forward. “Dust will tell you. Go ahead, Dusty.”
“What? No way! You tell her!”
"Ooh, ooh! Can I not tell her too?" Surprise asked, waving her hooves in the air.
“You don’t even know what we’re talking about!” Cloud Kicker yelled.
Surprise pouted and crossed her forelegs in a huff. “I know. I just didn’t wanna be left out of the conversation.”
“Just get to the point, Cloud Kicker!”
“Alright, alright. Cool your jets, Dash.” Cloud Kicker handed over a newspaper from her saddlebag. “Here. Read it and weep. Page two, second article down.”
They gave Dash a minute and watched. Her face contorted, scowling and turned redder the further along she read. The first line proved enough to get Dash fuming.
In an example of Princess Twilight’s new cronyism, noted associate Rainbow ‘Danger’ Dash of Ponyville was promoted to leader of Her Highness’s Wonderbolts. Some critics of Equestria’s newest ruler point out that the resignation of the Wonderbolts’ entire command was a direct result to Her Highness’s proposed budget restructuring. Many mark the coincidence that said resignations paved the way for the appointment of her close friend. Nepotism aside, this reporter wonders how effective Equestria’s top air defense team will be in a crisis now that it’s helmed by a pony some call an upjumped weather manager of a small rural village.
Rainbow launched out of her chair and began to pace around the room in mid-air. The rest of the squad prudently flattened against the walls.
“Upjumped small-town weather manager?! Why those little muckraking…”
She paused and, to Kicker’s surprise, exhaled in a slow controlled manner while running a hoof from her chest outwards. ‘Push the stress away and let it dissipate into the air.’ Twilight’s advice. It certainly was a much better short-term stress reliever than Dash’s first instinct: ‘Trackdown the feathering featherbrains and stomp them into a red paste.’
“Okay, so not everypony likes me in charge—”
Lightning Dust used a wing to cover a cough.
“—but Rainbow Dash has been doubted her whole life. But you know what the Dash does?”
“Curls up into a ball of self-loathing and doubt?” suggested Cloud Kicker.
“Gives a self-righteous and condescending lecture on friendship?” offered Lightning Dust.
“Binge on a dozen cupcakes then fly around the track really fast ’til the sugar rush wears off and you crash into the guys’ locker room, sign a sexual harassment warning, and then do it all over again, but with different flavor cupcakes?”
Dash sat in silence for moment before giving them all a flat look. “Why am I friends with you again?”
“Because I’m Lighting Dust, duh,” Dust answered with a cocky smirk, spreading her wings in what Dash guessed was an action pose. “Why settle for the rest when you’re friends with the best?”
Not to be outdone, Cloud Kicker turned to shake her flank in Dash’s direction, glancing back with a cheeky wink. “’Cause I’ve got a kickin’ backside? Yeah, I’ve seen you sneakin’ a peek. No need to deny it, Dashie,” she teased, flicking her tail.
“Wow, we’re friends already?” Surprise fluttered her wings in excitement. “We only just met, but I feel the same way! We should totally hang out. How about next Friday? No, wait. I’ve got balloon animal training that day. I’m this close to pulling off the flaming hoop trick.”
And the throbbing vein made another appearance. “No… I prove them wrong by being the most awesome pony at what I do.” Dash said, picking up her previous thought. She turned and motioned towards the gold pegasus statue which dominated the center of the practice field outside.
“From now on, whenever ponies think of the most legendary run the Wonderbolts ever had, they’re going to think of me: the most awe—”
“Yeah, geez, we get it, Dash,” interrupted Lightning Dust, rolling her eyes. “You’re the most awesome thing to ever awesome, yadda yadda. We’ve heard it a million times. Stop beating your chest; you’re gonna bruise it.”
Rainbow sat back down, kicking up her rear legs onto the desk. “You’re just jealous,” she said smugly, eliciting a snort from Lightning. “Thinking about it now, I’m obviously the best candidate for the job.”
“And don’t forget, the only candidate!” Surprise chimed, causing both Lightning Dust and Cloud Kicker to send her angry glares. She shrugged. “What? Was that supposed to be a secret?”
“Wait, what?” Rainbow narrowed her eyes at the trio of officers. “Guys, talk to me.” Cloud Kicker had a hoof over her face. Dust was staring really hard at the ceiling. Surprise… well… looked about the same as always, grinning from ear to ear.
“It’s just that…” mumbled Cloud Kicker, unconsciously rubbing behind her neck.
“Well…” Lightning continued.
“Being captain blows worse than finding oatmeal-raisin cookies hiding among a plate of perfectly good chocolate-chip cookies! I mean what sort of monster does that?! Am I right?” Surprise complained.
“That doesn’t make any sense!” Rainbow yelled at Surprise’s ridiculous statement, throwing up her hooves. She wasn’t sure which bit made less sense, but, for the sake of her sanity, questioned only the ‘no one wants to be captain’ part.
She pointed to each of them in turn. “Surprise, of the four of us, you’ve been in the Wonderbolts the longest. Just by experience you’re qualified for the job.” The white pegasus shrugged, letting out a small “meh.”
Rainbow then directed her hoof at the Cloud Kicker. “CK, you attended Westhoof. You’ve got practical military leadership training coming out your—”
Cloud Kicker perked up and grinned.
“—ears.”
The grin disappeared.
Finally, she turned to face the fourth pegasus in the room.
“And you, Lightning Dust. You’ve always tried to one-up me ever since we met.”
“True that.”
“Yet now, for some crazy reason, you never threw your hat in the ring. Why?”
Lighting Dust looked over to Cloud Kicker who shrugged and nodded.
“Being captain sucks,” she explained matter-of-factly.
Dash blinked. “What?”
“She’s right. It blows horseapples, Dash,” Cloud Kicker admitted. “Trust me. As a military brat, I know.”
“But-but being Captain of the Wonderbolts is supposed to be a dream job. Every kid dreams of joining the ’Bolts. The fame, the fans, everything! Becoming captain is like becoming the best Wonderbolt. Why wouldn’t you want the job?”
“Same reason my dad hated being a officer in the guard,” Cloud Kicker explained. “The higher up you are, the more paperwork gets sent your way. Then you’ve got the brass coming down from the top, plus worrying if somepony below you is going to screw up.”
“Yeah, and you've got to say no a lot,” added Surprise, hanging her head and allowing her tail to droop, “and that makes ponies sad. I joined the Wonderbolts to make ponies happy. Oh, and the parties!” Perking up, she pulled a noise-maker from her mane, thrusting it into Cloud Kicker's mouth. Wrapping the surprised pegasus in a tight hug, she squeezed, giggling as the party favor squawked. “Those are supertastical!”
“Let’s not forget the functions with snobby bigwigs you gotta attend. Total snorefests.” Lighting Dust stuck her tongue out. “No thanks. Plus, the Princesses are your bosses. You screw up, it’s a trip to the moon. Way too much pressure. Me, I’ll stick with the carefree life of the wing commander. Less responsibilities and more time to fly.”
Surprise and Cloud Kicker high hoofed her in agreement.
“More time for banging!”
“More time to party!”
“Tch, how much harder can it be than my old weather manager gig?” Rainbow waved dismissively. “I turned Ponyville’s team into a well oiled machine, didn’t I?”
Cloud Kicker shook her head. “Let me be serious for a moment.” A snort escaped Lightning Dust. “Have I ever lied to you, Dash?”
“Err…”
“Correction, have I ever lied to you about anything important?”
“Can’t say you have, CK.”
“Then believe me when I say this: the Wonderbolts are a huuuge leap from managing a small-town weather team, boss. Command, especially military command, isn’t a lazy flight on a clear day. Expect heavy turbulence.” Leaning forward, Dash listened intently as all of Cloud Kicker’s usual humor was absent. “There are no breaks, no naptimes, and no pawning off responsibilities onto somepony else. The bit stops with you, Captain Dash. If, even for a split second, you don’t feel absolutely, one hundred and ten percent sure you’re up to the job, then you should resign right now.
“Think really carefully. It’s not just your reputation on the line here, Dash, but Princess Sparkle’s too. You’re behind that desk by her appointment; one of her first, in fact. You screw up and it’ll reflect really badly on her. If nobility smell blood in the water, they’ll be all over Twilight like a school of wild piranhas. Anything she touches from then on will be tainted by the failure of her first official appointment.
“You quit now and nopony will think any less of you. You stay, I’ll have your back just like always. I’m sure my two comrades here will too, right girls?” The other two officers nodded. “So what’s it going to be?”
For Rainbow Dash, it wasn’t even a question. “Twilight picked me to do a job and Rainbow Dash doesn’t let anypony down, especially not one of her best friends. I’m staying.”
“I never doubted you for a second, Dash,” said Cloud Kicker, nodding. “First order of business: how to address the huge holes currently in the senior staff.”
“Can’t we just promote some ponies?” Dash asked. “Who do we have on the standby list?”
Consulting a clipboard, Cloud Kicker listed off, “On standby we’ve got Cloudchaser, Raindrops, Bulk “Snowflake” Biceps, and Thunderlane, most of our graduating class.” She chewed the bottom of her lip and shook her head. “If we pull them, don’t expect any birthday presents from Blossomforth for a while.”
“Terrific,” Rainbow growled into her hooves before throwing them up in the air.
She had promoted Blossomforth to head weather manager before joining the Wonderbolts full time. From the times she visited, Blossomforth was doing a great job. Not as great as when Rainbow was in charge, of course, but she was getting there.
“Ugh, fine. We’ve no choice. Poach Ponyville’s weather team and draw up assignment recommendations. Maybe I can get Pinkie to bake Blossom a ‘Sorry for gutting your department’ cake or something.”
“You’re not the only one with problems.” Cloud Kicker tried to lighten the mood with a joke. “Take me for example. I’ve got to deal with the new cadets coming in.” A wistful sigh. “Imagine. Me, around all those tight, toned bodies. Everypony at the peak of fitness. Muscles taut after flying laps, outlined through those clingy, barely-there little uniforms. Beads of sweat glistening...”
“Umm… CK, you’re drooling on the carpet,” Lightning Dust told her.
“Sounds like your dream come true,” Rainbow Dash added, passing her a spare napkin.
“Pfft, I wish,” Cloud Kicker grumbled. “You know the military’s policy on fraternization. Subordinates are off-limits. I’m stuck window-shopping or risk getting court-martialed. Totally draconian if you ask me.” She groaned and put her head down. “Arrgh, this is gonna be torture.”
“I’d worry more about actually getting anypony to ogle first,” Lightning Dust said. “We’ve got a major recruitment problem right now.” The bad news kept piling up.
“How’s that even possible?” Rainbow asked. “The academy processes hundreds of applications every year. There’s never been a shortage. Everypony I grew up with would give their left wing just for a shot at joining the Wonderbolts.”
Dust pointed a hoof at the new captain. “Yeah, but they wanted to join Spitfire’s Wonderbolts. Not Rainbow Dash’s Wonderbolts. You’re an unknown quantity, Dash. The best flyers are waiting to see how you pan out. If you crash in a flaming pile of fail, they don’t want any of it to stick to them.”
“Unknown? Did somepony do a Sonic Rainboom or save the world while I was sleeping?”
“Those things, while great, Dash, only prove you’re an exceptional pony. Doesn’t mean you’ll make a exceptional leader. Spitfire proved she was both, and they idolize her for it. I know I signed up just for the chance to fly under her.”
Dash couldn’t disagree. Spitfire’s magnetism was certainly what had driven her to train hard every day. She remembered the magic of the first show she’d attended as a fledgling. Watching from on top of her father’s shoulders as the then-rookie Spitfire performed one blazing fast stunt after another. The flash, the power, the buzzing excitement the flame-haired pegasus had generated. It was at that moment that Dash knew without a doubt what she wanted to do with her life.
“Bottom line: with Spitfire gone, our usual pool of recruits has gone from overflowing to dry as a bone.” Dust finished with a defeated shake of her head.
“Oh that reminds me.” Surprise rummaged around her yellow cotton-candy-soft mane before presenting Dash with a brown parcel. “The captain—not you, Captain, the old captain—wanted me deliver this to you. I don’t know what it is. Oooh, maybe it’s candy!” she said hopefully. “Please let it be candy! Can I have some if it’s candy?”
Ignoring Surprise, Rainbow Dash took a letter opener to the package and laid out the contents: a letter, a bottle of brandy, one dog-eared copy of How to Swear like a Sailor in Ten Easy Lessons and finally, what Dash found most intriguing, a trio of snapshots.
Snapshots of Spitfire and the other ex-Wonderbolts.
At the beach.
In swimsuits.
Posed in what some would call a rather provocative manner. Each was signed, “Betcha wish you were here!”
“Yoink! I’ll just take those.” Cloud Kicker snatched the pictures and tucked two away in her shirt pocket. The third was… well, extra special so she hid it in her mane for, what Dash could only assume was quick access later. “You know… Umm… I think I need to take these to my room for…” She circled a hoof searchingly, “…safe keeping. Yup, wouldn’t want these to get lost.”
Lighting Dust craned her neck to see what could make the usually unflustered Cloud Kicker sweat all of a sudden. She let out a loud wolf whistle.
Glancing back over her shoulder with a flirty wink, back arched to the camera, was Spitfire in a sheer black one-piece. The already smoldering image was made even hotter when one noticed that she was being treated to suntan oil rubdown by a gleaming Soarin. The buff stallion’s wet and matted coat glistened in the sun, clearly just returned from a swim in the ocean. It was enough to give any pony, mare or stallion, a massive nosebleed.
Rainbow motioned Cloud Kicker to stay. She knew her old flight camp buddy too well. If Cloud Kicker was allowed to leave now, she wouldn’t be seen for the rest of the day. Dash chose not to ask, and frankly didn’t want to know, what Cloud Kicker would be getting up to later. Ignorance was bliss in this case.
Taking the cue from her teammate, Lightning Dust helped herself to the brandy. After all, it was free booze. “Not bad,” she commented after taking a swig. She offered the open bottle to Cloud Kicker, whose wings were unfurled all over the sofa.
“Indirect kisses, Dusty?” she chuckled, grabbing the bottle. “You shouldn’t have. Mmm… I’ve wanted to get a taste of you for a while.”
Eyes rolling, Dust made a gagging noise.
Glad to be left out of Cloud Kicker’s shenanigans for once, Rainbow Dash opened the letter.
Congratulations on your promotion, newbie. Just letting you know there’s no hard feelings about you getting my job. As a gift, because I’m just generous like that, I’ve included two items that helped me survive command. Use them well.
Word of advice, kid. The Wonderbolts are yours now. Since its founding, each leader has left his or her own mark. I know I was your role model; heck, it’s flattering to no end. I rub it in Soarin’s face every chance I get. But—and this is huge—don’t try to copy me. Be your own mare. Show Equestria what the Wonderbolts are capable of under the first pony to do the Sonic Rainboom in forever.
I’d ask you to do me proud, but I already know you will.
-Spitfire
P.S.
I put your name forward, so don’t blame Princess Twilight. Consider it payback for that itching powder cloud prank you pulled at graduation.P.P.S.
Read the book cover to cover. Trust me, you’ll need it.P.P.P.S.
Included is a special present for Cloud Kicker. Try to keep them clean.
Right. If Spitfire believed in her, Dash vowed not to let her down. When she was done, flyers from all over Equestria would be kicking down her door.
It’s not like she’d be alone. Rainbow looked at the three faces across from her: the playful yet dependable smile of an old friend and colleague, the confident smirk of a rival, and a oddly blithe grin of Surprise.
Rainbow Dash chuckled to herself. If anypony would’ve told her younger self she’d someday understand what a word like ‘blithe’ meant, let alone well enough to use it in correct context, she’d have laughed her tail off. Heck, if Twilight found out, she’d probably use her Princess powers to declare a national holiday.
Straightening up, the new captain issued her first orders with a sweep of a hoof.
“Cloud Kicker, I want a list of possible promotions on my desk first thing in the morning.”
“You got it, boss.” Cloud Kicker saluted.
“Lightning Dust.” Dust nodded. “Find us some cadets. Winners of recent major racing events, skilled weather ponies, stunt flyers, anypony.” Rainbow Dash leaned forward with the beginnings of a feral grin forming. “Leave no cloud unturned, and I mean none of them. If you think a candidate is Wonderbolt material then I don't care where you find them. Keep a special eye out for any guard recruits who wash out for discipline reasons or even if they look like they may want an alternative career flying instead of impersonating statues all day.”
Lightning Dust gave a sloppy salute. “Consider it done.”
“Surprise, you—where’d you get that cloudcake?!”
“Wha? This?” Crumbs sprayed from Surprise's mouth, decorating Dash’s blue fur with tiny specks of vanilla frosting.
Rainbow looked on, expressionless, at the fluffy white layer cake. A specialty exclusive to Cloudsdale, the special mix of leaveners meant one risked the cake floating away unless it was tethered a specially designed weighted cake stand. While this property was thankfully lost to each piece when cut, the taste was lighter than any other type of cake known to ponykind.
The words ‘Congratulations Ranblow Dish!’ were written in multicolored frosting on the one now hovering over a small side table.
“You want a piece?” Surprise bounced over with up a large chunk of misspelled name balanced on her wing. Unfortunately, the trophy from earlier made itself known, catching the edge of one her forehooves. “Oopsie!”
Splut!
Good thing the shade of frosting matched Dash’s coat. Bits of moist sponge cake slid down her face as she drummed her hooves. Her so called ‘friends’ collapsed on the floor laughing while Surprise hopped over.
“I’m sooo sorry!” she said. “I’ll have you cleaned up in a jiffy!” Before Dash could blink her vision turned pink, moist, and a bit sticky. The others stared in fascination. Lightning Dust couldn’t figure out how anypony could fit such a ridiculously long tongue in their mouth, while based on the lecherous leer painted on her face, Cloud Kicker had a much different thought.
“I really, really like where this is going.”
“Mmm… sweet and spicy!” said Surprise as soon as she finished ‘cleaning,’
Fortunately for Surprise's continued survival, years of dealing with ‘Pinkie baths’, a phrase coined by Applejack, had worn her down. She found getting upset pointless and simply settled for begrudging acceptance. She took a hopelessly outmatched tissue to her drool covered fur.
“Surprise, you’re close friends with all the Wonderbolts who took off, right?” the spittle-covered captain asked her springy subordinate.
“Absolutely-positutely! They don’t call me ‘The Party in the Sky’ for nothing!” Her blonde curls bounced as she nodded vigorously. “My aftershow parties were the best.
“Everypony loved them, except for the one time with the tuba, the bottle of vodka, and the flock of skylarks. I may have been a bit tipsy when I planned that one. It all worked out in the end though. Still,” she huffed, “Fleetfoot totally didn’t need to yell at me. Her eyebrows grew back. And then there was that other time at the Manehatten zoo—”
The party pony’s rambling continued for another minute until, at a nod from Dash, Cloud Kicker stuffed a hoof in her mouth.
“That’s great, Surprise. And exactly why you’re the best pony to convince them to come back,” Dash spoke quickly then nodded for Cloud Kicker to remove her hoof, who, apparently enjoying the wet sensation, did so with reluctance.
“Roger roger, dodger dodger, Dashie!” Surprise cranked out a salute. “But first, you know what this calls for?”
“…A party?” Dash guessed, rolling a hoof in the air while resting a check against the her other.
“Wow! How’d you guess?” Her eyes narrowed, Surprise leaned forward and smooshed Dash’s cheeks together. “Are you psychic?” She circled her hooves against the sides of her head. “Quick! What am I thinking right now?”
“...Cupcakes?”
Surprise gasped with such force, she inhaled Rainbow’s mane. On the off chance she’d missed some frosting the first time, Surprise chewed the chromatic strands idly for a moment. To her disappointment, it did not taste sweet at all.
Again, years of built up tolerance allowed Dash to calmly wait for the slobbering ordeal to end. Like the Iron Pony herself, Dash’s mane was tough and had survived far greater disasters. She had been struck by lightning, set on fire, shaved in various degrees by both Pinkie Pie in an ill-conceived plan to use hair as an ingredient and Scootaloo in an ill-conceived plan to create an enchanted wig granting… Awesomenessity. Her mane had even survived being styled by Rarity on at least three occasions and a terrifying trip to the spa that had involved curlers.
Not finding any sweetness, Surprise flew in reverse. She reared up, criss-crossing her forelegs like a shield. “She’s scanning me! Get out of my head!”
The others watched, not sure what to make of Surprise as she rolled around on the floor, clutching the sides of her noggin.
“Hey, Dash.” Cloud Kicker waggled her eyebrows. “Can you guess what I’m thinking?”
Without missing a beat, Dash listed off in a deadpan manner, “Surprise. Her tongue. Me, drinking ’til all the brain cells storing that image die, or I black out. Whichever comes first.”
“Wow, either you can read minds or I’ve become really predictable.” Cloud Kicker lifted a hoof to her chin. “Maybe I need to get some new material.”
Lightning Dust snorted. “Does it involve you stopping with the dirty jokes and double entendres? Maybe come up with something with actual class. Or can we just expect more butt jokes?”
Cloud Kicker gasped, looking offended at the very notion. “I think we both know the answer to that question. And since when do you know that brain cells store memories, Dash?”
“Meh.” Rainbow gave her wings a slight shrug. “Kinda picked it up through osmosis hanging out with Twilight all these years. And yes, the fact that I know what osmosis means scares me too.”
Cloud Kicker shrugged. “Better late than never. Some of us actually stayed awake during Basic Weather Management.” She turned to Surprise who was still rolling around, yelling about mind invasion. “You up for some drinking, Surprise?”
“Drinking? I love drinking!” Surprise exploded, previous mental invasion apparently forgotten, bounding to her hooves. She pulled her fellow wing commanders from across the room into an impossible hug. “The only thing I love more is partying. And partying involves drinking. Unless it’s a children’s party, then no booze, only punch. I don’t mean to brag, but I do make the best fruit punch in all of Equestria!“
“I don’t know about that. Bet Pinkie Pie could give you a run for your money.”
Surprise quirked an eyebrow as she squinted at Cloud Kicker. “Pink earth pony?”
Nod.
“The Element of Giggliness?”
“More like Element of Jigglyness. Am I right, Dash? Up high!” The captain remained unamused. Left hanging, Cloud Kicker muttered, “Spoilsport,” lowering her hoof. “Yeah, that’s Pinkie all right.”
“Nope, never heard of her,” said Surprise. She turned and hopped out the door. “C’mon, I know a great place downtown. I’ll race you there.”
Lighting Dust grunted as she stretched her wings. “Alright, but Cloud Kicker gets a head start. No way I’m flying with her on my six. I swear she hangs back on purpose.”
“Sometimes it’s good to slow down and enjoy the sights, Dusty.”
“Well, enjoy them all you like, cuz you’ll be fighting for second place,” Dash bragged. She was halfway out of her chair before Surprise surprised her by gently pushing her back down.
“Nope nope.” Surprise shook her head. “No partying for you, Captain. You’ve got to sign and stamp these maintenance orders by tomorrow.” A large stack of papers were pulled out of her mane then plopped on Rainbow’s desk. “And here’s a brand spanking new ink pad for your hoofstamp. Enjoy! Let’s party, girls!”
A white blur marked the trio’s departure, leaving Dash with only a half-eaten cake and a near-empty bottle of brandy for company.
Rainbow Miriam Dash, Captain of the Wonderbolts glanced from her newly minted captain’s pin to the mountain of paperwork laid on her desk and, not for the first time, wondered—no, knew—she’d been tricked.