//------------------------------// // 8. The 20th Century Limited // Story: Dash of Humanity // by Kaidan //------------------------------// Dash landed at the train platform and immediately went over to see Twilight. “Hey! So we’re all set to go kick some flank?” She looked at us and smiled. “Yeah, Dash. I just got word from Celestia that she’ll meet us there to check on you. There probably won’t be any flank to kick, though. We’re still hoping Cadence and Shining just got sidetracked and forgot to send regular status updates to Celestia.” “Well, I know better than that. In every movie I’ve seen, when someone stops sending letters, they’re either dead or chained up in a basement with a hacksaw and some poisoned cigarettes.” Twilight tilted her head to the side and cocked an eyebrow. [You should tell her about Freddy Krueger. I bet she won’t sleep once throughout the whole train ride.] “Sorry, Twi. Guess I’m reading Don’s thoughts again. He sure has a fascination with movies about murder and mayhem.” “Yeah, I’m getting that. For an entity that just ‘accidently’ appeared inside you, he sure seems awfully violent and hostile.” [Hey, that’s not fair! It’s my species that loves murder and mayhem. I’m innocent!] Not a very good argument. Besides, I think cinemas in Equestria could benefit from a few movies that aren’t all happy fairy tales. [You have movies? Are you going to tell me you’re holding out television on me too?] It’s not holding out, how would I get any channels in my cloud house? [How do you even get electricity in your house? You have a fridge, lights, even a freaking microwave! And yet, you’ve got dirt roads, outhouses, and ponies who live a century in the past.] Duh! It’s a cloud house. You know, the stuff that makes thunderstorms. Anyway, most ponies who move to Ponyville do it to get away from that busy hustle of city life, and the non-stop ‘inventions’ unicorns are making in Manehattan. Why, the last project they worked on there blew up a small mountain. [Wow, I wonder what they were inventing. I hope it involved using a particle accelerator and sliced bread to create a cold fusion reactor.] You know, being stuck with you in my head is like getting a free college education. Granted, half the stuff is useless trivia, but I bet just using big words like ‘cold fusion’ would be enough to make Twilight’s jaw drop. [Go for it, though you might want to get on the train first.] Huh? Dash looked over at the train which was pulling away from the platform. “Hey, Dash, come on!” Twilight shouted. She ran over to the train and jumped inside. “Thanks. Why didn’t you get me sooner?” “You zoned out while I was explaining a theory I had on long-distance teleportation, which is pretty normal for you, Dash.” “I was actually talking to Don, but no need to repeat yourself. I’m sure it’s fascinating but I’d rather fly than teleport anyday.” Dash followed her to the seating area of the train. The six mares shared one car on the train, and there appeared to be a few private rooms. Each consisted of a sliding door and small bunk. A placard on the wall announced this train as the ‘20th Century Limited’.  “Ah reckon we should just ignore it, she’ll keep zonin’ out ‘til we get that human out of her head,” Applejack observed. “Huh?” I asked. I felt myself assert control as I had many times before. The sheer randomness of it always left me a little unsettled. “Fascinating,” Twilight said. Her horn was glowing as she sent a shiver down my spine. “For a brief moment I could sense the switch. Would you mind me casting a spell to monitor you twenty-four hours a day? If I can observe enough of the switches, I might be able to learn how to control them.” “Uh, spying on me 24/7 sounds pretty creepy. Like, stalker levels of creepy,” I said. [Yeah, I’ll agree with you there, Dude.] “You realize that my monitoring you is the best chance I have at figuring out how to fix this,” Twilight explained. “Yeah, but how much would you monitor? We’ve had some. . . awkward situations, and I’m fairly certain Dash and I don’t need you watching what is already embarrassing enough.” Twilight shook her head. “You’ve got it wrong, I’m not spying. If I wanted to do that, I’d have planted a small crystal in your bedroom above the headrest of your bed. This is just a spell to alert me if you change places, by detecting the spike in electrical activity from the neo-cortex as your perception shifts.” “Well, in that case. . . Wait, what do you mean a crystal above my bed? Were you spying on us?!” I pointed a hoof at her and scowled. “Huh? It was just an expression!” [An oddly specific one!] “Yeah!” I added. “What?” Twilight asked. “Yes to what?” “You’re spying on us, aren’t you? You could have just said ‘cast a spell’ but you said a crystal above my bed. It was too specific!” Twilight began to blush and I saw an eyelid twitch. [Yeah, we got her on the ropes! Serves her right for watching what I do in the privacy of my own bedroom.] “I’m sorry, Dash.” “I’m Don.” Twilight groaned. “Sorry, Don! I just wanted to keep an eye on you when you started acting odd.” “Well, then answer me one question: did you touch yourself while I was in bed with that large—” “Girls!” Applejack interrupted. “Ain’t no need to be gettin’ vulgar. Now, Twilight says she’s sorry and ah doubt she’s spyin’ on ya while you and Soarin were makin’ rainbooms in the bedroom.” “What?!” I shouted. “But I. . . We never. . . No! Soarin hasn’t gotten lucky yet! I mean, he’s not going to ever!” I sat down and crossed my arms, feeling my face blush and radiate heat. I was so embarrassed, and it was made worse by the fact Dash was mortified at being spied on. “No need to get yer panties in a bunch,” Applejack said. “Phrasing!” I moaned and rolled my eyes. Looking down I realized I was sitting like a stallion again, legs wide open. Then again, stallions were rather well endowed and I doubt they sat with their legs open either. Pinkie walked in and could sense the tension in the air from the several awkward directions the conversation had taken. “Hey, let’s sing a song! That’ll cheer everypony up!” [Here we go again.] “Do you have any idea how crazy it is that ponies break out in song and dance randomly? Let alone that you know the lyrics to songs you could never have heard before, Pinkie!” “Oh silly, music isn’t some mysterious, unknowable force shaping the universe. It has rules, common meters, rhyming lyrics, and stanzas. It isn’t such a stretch to figure out what the rest of a song is after hearing a few lines!” Pinkie exclaimed. Everypony, even Twilight, looked at her in shock. We all knew she wasn’t just some pony that loved to party, and that she had some unexplained—possibly supernatural—abilities and insights. For all of that, we never imagined the reason she was so damn good at singing was logical and easy to understand. “Well, that still doesn’t explain why you all start singing.” “Ah reckon it’s just fun,” Applejack explained. “Singin’ can bring us all together and cheer us up.” “As much as I hate to admit it, even a proper lady simply must sing from time to time,” Rarity added. “I’m outta here,” I said. I got up and walked towards the exit to the next car. “Where are you going, silly filly?” Pinkie asked. I looked out the window. “Looks like we’re goin’ round the mountain.” I heard a melody from behind me and turned to see Pinkie with a guitar. “Gotcha, Don!” Pinkie began playing the chords to a familiar song, and I’ll be damned, I couldn’t resist. She’s the devil, Dash. We need some holy water and a blessed crucifix. “She’ll be comin’ round the mountain when she comes!” Pinkie sang. [Better just sing it and get it over with.] No. . . I will resist. . . I felt something soft brush against my side. The smooth warmth passed me by in a second, as Fluttershy stepped in front of me. “She’ll be carried by six white stallions when she comes,” she added. My infatuation with her returned in full force, overpowering my desire not to break out in a song. Part of me knew I had to impress Fluttershy. Heck, if I didn’t sing it, Pinkie would, and I’ll not have her butchering Earth music—not on my watch. “Oh we’ll all go out to meet her when she comes,” I sang. Dash had a lovely voice, able to hit notes I never could have as a human. She still had this boyish accent that betrayed her rough and tumble nature, but it was endearing. “Yes we’ll kill the old red rooster when she comes.” They failed to notice my choice of words. “We’ll be wearin’ pink pajamas when she comes!” Pinkie replied. I had taken a seat next to Fluttershy after the singing was over. Despite the obvious black magic of Pinkie Pie, the diversion had lightened the mood and caused my worries to melt away. I felt like I was actually a part of this circle of close-knit friends, and realized it was something I had been missing out on back on Earth. “So, then Dash’s face is red as an apple and she’s backing up against the vanity mirror. She’s clad head to toe in a maid’s outfit, and the door swings open!” Rarity pantomimed with her hooves, showing them what I had looked like. Applejack and Fluttershy were laughing, while Twilight and Pinkie had actually been there. “I knew Dashie was in there!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Yeah, well don’t tell Dash, but I actually liked that maid’s outfit. So smooth and tight in all the right places.” I leaned over towards Rarity and nuzzled her side. “You really ought to tie me up again in your dungeon sometime, mistress.” Rarity looked at me in shock, her mouth flopping open like a fish. “But I. . . We never. . . Dash!” [Ahaha! Good one, Don!] We all began to laugh again, this time with Rarity. Between the singing and censored stories of Dash’s and my adventures, it was nearly night time. The Crystal Empire was still hours away and we would reach it in the morning. “Ah can see why it’s been so awkward for ya, Don,” Applejack added. “Yeah, and imagine poor Dash. Everytime something bad happens, one of us is stuck back there watching it, powerless to make it stop!” My stomach began to cramp up and grumble. I bent over and pushed a hoof into it, trying to alleviate the pain. “Don, are you alright?” Twilight asked. “Yeah. I don’t know, but maybe it’s something I ate,” I replied. Twilight’s horn flared and she giggled. “Looks like somepony has indigestion. Did you eat some spoiled vegetables?” “No, I ate bac—” [NO! Hey, the bacon was a one-time thing. They don’t need to know about it. Just thinking about it is disgusting!] You weren’t complaining at breakfast. [Yeah, well you were totally forcing me to enjoy it with your mind!] That was sorta the point, on account of the whole Soarin dream. [Fair enough, but, uh. . . just tell them I had brussel sprouts and broccoli. Even I don’t like those vegetables.] “What, Dash?” Twilight prompted. “Brussel sprouts and broccoli. Is there a restroom on this train?” I asked. “Yeah, in the back.” I got up and walked towards the toilet, my stomach growling the whole time. You didn’t tell me your stomach would get upset if I ate meat. [I’m a vegetarian, with flat teeth! You must have sucked at math in school if you can’t put two and two together.] I made it to the tiny train restroom and managed to slide the door closed behind me. This was the first time I had to really look at a toilet and figure out how to use it. The shape was intimidating, but it wasn’t that different from one back on Earth. It had some clever features to keep my tail out of the way and allow me to keep all four hooves on the ground. For what was coming, having an extra two legs to brace myself with could prove useful. After steadying myself, I felt the cramping reach its peak. In what I could only assume the conductor heard at the front of the train, my body was relieved of the bacon. [Holy shit, Dude! That smell! It’s like you cooked a skunk using cow pies!] It’s not over yet— I could have sworn the train shook after the second wave. Part of me wondered if it came out rainbow-colored like my mane, yet I was far too mortified to look. This is a nightmare! Where’s the freaking flush handle? [You step on it with your hoof. Hurry, this stench is gonna make my hair fall out.] Which hoof? [The back one, moron! Hurry up!] I couldn’t hold my breath much longer and just kicked back with my right hoof. It hit a pedal and I heard water filling the bowl. Whew, there we go. [Wait. . . that’s the water! You want the pedal to open the drain to the septic tank!] What do y— “FUCK!” I screamed as fluid seeped out of the bowl. I took my hoof off the pedal and tried to fly inside the confined space. “Shit! I’m not a pony! Get me outta here!” I banged on the door in my panic, trying to escape the mess. [Left pedal, left pedal!] I looked down at the swamp below me. I determined I broke the toilet, as the water was continuing to rise carrying my breakfast with it. Like hell! [Man up and flush it, dammit!] I looked down at the flush pedal and stopped flapping. As I landed with a splash, my hoof connected and I heard the toilet open up and start emptying. I had to close my eyes as I shivered at the thought of what just happened. After a minute had passed and I heard nothing but air being sucked down, I opened my eyes to assess the damage. A small drain in the floor had gotten rid of the excess water, and the toilet was empty. As for my tail and lower legs, I was not in any luck. [Just lean up onto the sink and clean out my tail.] This bathroom is like two feet wide! How the hell am I supposed to get up there? [I don’t know! Just do it!] If it’s so easy, why don’t you? [Fine, let’s go ask Fluttershy to do it.] I gritted my teeth. Damn you, that’s dirty! Fine, I’ll figure out someway to clean this up so I don’t embarass you in front of your friends. [Are you kidding? I bet the only reason they haven’t knocked to check on us is they’re too busy laughing from the sounds alone!] I began washing out our tail and hooves with soap and water, using a combination of flying, hoof-standing, head-standing, and even a backward arching dog—or some variation of yoga—to get the last remnants off of me. My hoof hit the lever to open the door and nothing happened. Having been in the room for several minutes had done little to dull the smell, and I began pounding on it. “The door is stuck! Twilight? Somepony? Let me out!” I continued pounding at the door until I finally heard her on the other side. “Dash, it’s Twilight, are you okay?” “The door is stuck! Magic it open!” I shouted. “Dash, the door is locked, just unlock it and open it,” she replied. “No, it’s stuck, it’s—” I heard the lock click and the door slid open, revealing Twilight standing there with a smile. As quickly as she had opened the door for me, her face turned to one of horror and she backed up, eager to escape the stench. Unfortunately for her, I was so grateful to be out of the lavatory that I dove forward and hugged her. “Thank you, thank you! You saved me!” I gripped her like a vice. “Gah! Dash, get off me! You smell like death!” “I know, I thought I was a goner!” I heard hoofsteps and saw Rarity walking towards us. Twilight used her magic to close the door and lock it. “Everything alright back here, girls?” Rarity asked. “Uh, everything’s under control. Situation normal,” I replied. I climbed off Twilight and began to examine myself. Dash’s fur was clean, and we hadn’t been hurt. All that was left was to keep Rarity from walking into the warzone. “What happened?” Rarity asked. “Uh, we had a slight lavatory malfunction, but, uh. . . everything’s perfectly alright now. We’re fine. We’re all fine here, now, thank you. How are you?” “Oh, I need to use the mare’s room.” I glanced around nervously to see if there was another bathroom. “Uh, negative! That toilet had a leak. Give it a few minutes to, uh, vent. Very large pipe leak, very foul.” Rarity frowned. “It’s rather urgent.” She took a step forward. “Go to the conductor’s car!” Twilight exclaimed. “Trust me,” she said pleading. “You two are so odd,” Rarity observed. After she had gone, I thanked Twilight and followed her to the front end of the car. “Don, are you okay? You look a little pale,” Fluttershy asked. “Yeah, just the usual, rough day,” I replied. “Alright, girls, there are only three bunks in the car so we’ll have to share,” Twilight said. “What? That’s stupid. What about the car behind us?” I inquired. “It’s got a few guards and some supplies, in case we find that there has been a fire or other disaster. Granted, if you’d like to share a bed with a stallion you—” “Don’t finish that sentence!” I barked. “Heh, alright. As I was saying, I’ll share a bed with Applejack. Pinkie and Fluttershy can share a bed, and you can share with Rarity,” Twilight explained. “No!” I looked over at Fluttershy. “Can I share a bunk with you?” [Dude, don’t even!] “Eep!” Fluttershy looked at me and blushed a little. “Why me?” “You’ve been really nice to me, and I feel more comfortable around you. I barely know Rarity, and that was from her fitting lingerie on me. Please?” “I could never say no to Dashie, and I guess you count as her too, Don. You can trade places with Pinkie.” “Awesome! I’ll go tell Rarity the good news!” Pinkie said. “We’ll get to gossip all night long!” [Ugh, this is going to be Dodge Junction all over again.] Wait, you just left her behind? That’s rather unlike you. [Yeah, but read the rest of the memory. I was a little pre-occupied at the time.] Still, not one of the four of you thought ‘hey, let’s go back and get Rarity and Pinkie!’ [Ugh, can we just drop it? I’m more concerned with you and Fluttershy.] Look, I’m not gonna try anything, that’s the truth. I like her, but it’s because she’s so kind and gentle. I feel safe with her because you two are such good friends. [You won’t make a single remark about her delicious flanks?] Nope, but I may think it a little. I chuckled and looked around, noticing everypony but Twilight and Applejack had gone to the small private bunks at the very front of the car. Fluttershy was in the first one and I walked inside. It was basically a cubby with a bed and a door. There was a single window, and plenty of bedding and blankets. “Wow, talk about trying to save space,” I said. “If it’s too small I’ll sleep outside on the floor,” Fluttershy stated. “What? No way! Who would be so mean as to do that to you?” I asked. “Oh, I just meant that I could be nice and let you have the bunk, if it’s too weird.” “No, it’s not weird. Look, I know I’m just some ‘human’ to all of you, but I just want to get a comfortable rest. The best sleep I got since I wound up here was at your house after the massage.” “You had a concussion, and I didn’t let you sleep,” Fluttershy corrected. “Ugh, that’s besides the point. Look, if you’re uncomfortable, I’ll go find a place to sleep outside.” “No, if you’re not uncomfortable than I’m not.” I moved around and got under the covers. Using an imaginary line drawn down the middle I tried to stay on ‘my side’ of the bunk. However, between the wings and hooves I couldn’t get enough room. It felt like I just kept kicking poor Fluttershy. “Ugh, how does Dash deal with these freakin wings and four legs?! There isn’t enough room in here.” I was getting frustrated and it must have been visible in my furrowed brow. “Don, relax,” Fluttershy cooed. She got up and closed the door to the bunk. “Look, maybe you can hide how scared you are from the others, maybe even Dash to an extent. But I know a scared animal when I see one, and you’re afraid of being stuck in her body.” I looked at her and my jaw fell open. “What? I’m not. . . Twilight’s going to fix it!” [Wait, you’re scared? Why didn’t I notice?] Fluttershy got under the blanket next to me. “You use your humor and pranks to deflect it, and I understand you tease us girls because of it, but that’s okay. I think what you need is to be comforted a little.” “No way, I’m not some foal! I’m a man, I don’t need taken care of!” I exclaimed. “Listen to yourself: you wanted to share a bunk with me and nopony else, and I don’t think it was to tease Dash or to score. I think you needed a—” “If you say ‘a hug’ so help me I’ll jump out this window.” Fluttershy giggled and I felt her sneak her way past my last defenses, protecting the human ideal of masculinity. “Okay, but it is nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes all it takes for one of my sick animals to get better is knowing that somepony else will take care of them. Then they don’t have to worry, and they feel safe for a night.” “Uh, I’m not sick. Dash, back me up here!” I said. [I thought you wanted to get closer to her. Besides, she’s right. Your brain’s a mess. That whole side of our mind is like tangled spaghetti. Why do you think I don’t like reading your mind much? It’s so confusing.] “Don, lay down.” Fluttershy looked at me and smiled, a hint of command in her voice. I got under the covers and sighed. I nearly jumped when I felt her wrap her legs around me and cuddle. My heart began to beat quicker as she gently held me in her legs. I wondered if Dash would get angry at me for spooning, yet she said nothing and seemed to enjoy it. The bed did suddenly feel much safer and warmer. “Shhh,” she cooed in my ear. “Tomorrow will be a busy day, who knows what we’ll find. Just relax and go to sleep. I promise to watch over you.” My mind began to get hazy as we seemed to melt together. She draped her wing over my side and I found we didn’t even need the blanket. I was comfortable and content. For the first time since my arrival there was not a hint of fear or worry in my mind.