Only an Imaginary Friend

by i_am_the_jam


An Imaginary Date

√-1 √-1 √-1

An Imaginary Date

Outside Town Hall, the three ponies could hear the mares inside practically scream their bids at Stormfront…or Bulk Biceps, since he was after him. At least he wouldn’t have to hear Mr. Biceps’ annoying shouts and grunts which he would definitely do in front of an almost exclusively female audience.
It was a cool night, and the pegasi had cleared the sky precisely to help out in the dates that had already started.
“So, Immy,” said Dame Dash as she hovered above Imaginary again. “That was very cool of you. Are you also going to pay for dinner? I think Pinkie Pie has a nice pastry setup ready at Sugar—”
“The two of you wanted to date me?” he suddenly asked, whirling toward the bouncing pink mare behind him. “Why?”
Dame Pie blinked at his sudden question, but she smiled and replied, “Oh, silly Immy! How else were we supposed to find out more about you? After all, Rarity did have a point: if you’re friends with the Apple Family, then by extension, we’re your friends too! And friends should know about one another as much as they can! And, considering that you know about most of the stuff we’ve done to help Ponyville and Equestria in general, it’s only logical that we should also know more about you!”
Imaginary snorted at Dame Pie’s “infallible” logic.
“Dashie already told me where you live, and sadly,” she sighed, “you’re right, you don’t live in Ponyville, which means that I can’t give you your Welcome-To-Ponyville Party or your Housewarming Party. But,” she suddenly lit up, “There’s still your birthday party! You just have to tell us when it is, because for some reason, Big Macintosh refuses to tell us, even Applejack,” she wondered. “Not to mention there’s your We-Saved-My-House-And-The-Train-Tracks-From-The-Avalanche Party!! You’ve just GOT to let me set that up for you and Big Macintosh and Bulk Biceps!!! And don’t worry, I can get all the guests to Pinkie-swear not to tell the railroad or the logging company about it!”
Dame Dash added, “Yeah! I mean, we don’t know why the announcer was having trouble giving out all your details, but that’s not important now. We’re all out here now, and we can start getting to know each other more right—”
“You two want to know more about me?” he suddenly asked.

Again, the two mares blinked at him, but didn’t answer his blunt question.

“Okay, here’s one bit of information about myself: I’ve always wanted to gallop down the path that runs through Whitetail Woods and around Mount Canter, you know, just like The Running of The Leaves, but at night, breathing in the cool air and enjoying Luna’s moon and stars. In fact, I think I’ll try that now. If you want to, you can run with me, if you’re up for it, that is! Readysetgo!!!”

At that, Imaginary began galloping north.

The mares blinked again at his sudden departure, and then Dame Pie yelped, “Hey! Wait up! Immy, why are you doing this?? Where are you going??”
“Immy, wait up!!” added Dame Dash.
The pink mare first tried bouncing after him, but the unicorn was unusually fast for somepony of his girth, so after a minute or two, she also began galloping. The blue mare, naturally, simply flew after her “date”.
“HEY!!! Why are you doing this???!!!” Dame Dash demanded to know.
Imaginary, however, ignored her and simply continued galloping north, heading out of town. His reply several moments later was, “How odd, Dame Dash. I thought you wouldn’t have any problems galloping next to a unicorn, and wouldn’t choose to fly above him. Didn’t you participate in the last Running of the Leaves by…you know…actually running most of the way?”
“You little—I can run just as fast as you!!!!”

The stallion smiled. Mr. Apple was right: Dame Dash’s weakness was indeed her ego.
And now the two mares were galloping along with the unicorn between them.

“Very romantic, don’t you think?” he asked. He wasn’t panting, but then again, the run had barely begun.
“This is your idea of romantic?” asked the blue mare.
“Why not? Normally I wink just about everywhere, but this way I can take in the sights! And even you dash from place to place! Wouldn’t you agree that now you can take in the beauty of your surroundings?”
“Look, I’m not—”
“Say, Immy, could you slow down? I’m not as fast as you!” Indeed, Pinkie was starting to lag behind the two.
Imaginary turned a trifle, and replied, “I don’t understand it, Dame Pie. Mr. Apple told me that you were the fastest earth pony mare he’s ever encountered. Didn’t you race Dame Dash from the top of Smokey Mountain down to Sweet Apple Acres, and nearly win?”

Pinkie Pie blinked.

“Um…I kinda have a hard time remembering what happened that day…until my birthday party actually began. I do remember being very angry…Dashie, did I almost run as fast as you were flying?”
The blue mare thought for a moment, and would have shivered if she wasn’t galloping. “Uh…not quite, but you did kinda run faster than any other earth pony I’ve met, Pinkie. But to be fair, you were kinda very angry at me and the rest of us, so what happened there was Angry Speed, not actual Racing Speed.”
Imaginary scoffed, “Oh, come on, Dames!! You two are Champions of Equestria! You’ve gone on overnight hikes, raced up and down mountains, chased each other all over Ponyville, fought against a hydra and won, and are even great dancers! Dame Dash, you’re the most athletic pegasus in Ponyville and Cloudsdale! Dame Pie, do you not practice parkour with practically all of Ponyville? You two couldn’t possibly have any problems running—not racing, running!!!—with a pencil-pushing unicorn from Canterlot like me!!”
Rainbow Dash eyed him strangely. “Pencil pusher? Immy, if you’re a pencil pusher, why are you so buffed??”
The stallion blinked and looked down at himself. “Oh, that. I’ve been going to a gym since I was 13. I may be a nerd, but hey, who says nerds can’t go to gyms? There’s this great place in Canterlot that has machines for all three pony types. I can help you get in with a letter of recomm—”
“NO!!!” yelled Pinkie Pie. “Look, I may know parkour, but normally I warm up first!!!”
The male blinked again, and replied, “Oh, excuse me, then. I knew I had forgotten to do something before we began.” And he slowed his gallop considerably. Pinkie Pie was able to catch up with him and Rainbow Dash, but despite their lower speed, the three were still galloping. “Sometimes I forget my own strength and speed, and you’re right, Dame Pie, we shouldn’t have taken off so fast at first. After all, we have to go around Mount Canter. We shouldn’t have any problems finding our way, thanks to Princess Luna’s moonlight.”
“But…is this how you want to start our date?” asked Rainbow Dash. “Just…galloping?”
“Think of it as ‘aerobic sightseeing’, Dame Dash,” he smiled, and pressed onward, following the path that led across the forest and toward the foot of the mountain.
Suddenly, Pinkie was galloping next to the pegasus, and she whispered, “Maybe it’s his way of working up an appetite for dinner?”
“Maybe,” she whispered back. “But perhaps this is why he didn’t fill out all the details when he signed up for the auction; maybe he thought mares would think he was too weird or something.”

The three ponies continued their trek through the moonlit forest, in silence, save for the sound of their gallop.

√-1 √-1 √-1

Equines were built for running. That is, their body shape and physiology enables them to gallop for very long distances and for prolonged periods of time; originally they developed that ability in order to escape from predators by simply running for a long distance rather than running faster than them.
In the last Running of the Leaves, Dame Apple and Dame Dash had further proven that fact by very much running that race twice in the same day. Then again, both mares were the most athletic in Ponyville, so it was not something that left them collapsing from exhaustion at the end.
On this night, three ponies were running down that same path, and being ponies and doing what they were built to do, none of them showed any signs of fatigue or exhaustion as they galloped around Mount Canter.
Even Dame Pie, with her habit of having desserts compose 90 percent of her meals, was able to keep up with the other two athletic ponies. It also helped, of course, that the other two weren’t exactly running at their maximum speed.

As the night went on, the two mares tried—unsuccessfully—to start another conversation with the stallion:

“So…how old are you?”
“Do you live by yourself?”
“What’s your favourite colour?”
“What’s your favourite food?”
“Do you like chocolate cake?”
“How do you get your coat so shiny?”
“How long have you lived in that house?”
“Where do you work?”
“Did you ever see Twilight at school?”
“Did you see my Sonic Rainboom when you were a colt?”
“Were you even born yet?”
“Do you think you can do an illusion of an Ursa Major?”
“Where do you want to go after we finish dinner at Sugarcube Corner?”
“What’s your full name?”
“How did you get your cutie mark?”
“What does your cutie mark mean, anyway?”
“Where were you on Nightmare Night? Don’t tell me you were working!”
“Do we know your parents?”
“Are they part of the nobility?”
“Do you wear contacts?”
“Did you see my last Sonic Rainboom?”
“Where were you when Discord attacked?”
“How did he attack you?”
“Were you scared when Nightmare Moon stopped the sunrise?”
“Were you surprised when your bid went up so high? Were you? Were you?”
“What’s the farthest you’ve winked so far?”
“Why do you live in the middle of nowhere, anyway?”
“Have you ever been to Twilight’s basement? It has the neatest machines!!”
“Would you like to try some parkour yourself?”
“Do you know any cloud walking spells? You could visit me if you did. If not, Twilight can teach you.”
“How long have you known the Apples?”

The stallion, strangely enough, did not answer any question whatsoever. Occasionally he glanced at his watch, but beyond that, he just kept his eyes up ahead, following the path as the three galloped around the mountain.
And as the three came back around, the questions got more and more pressing.

And personal.
And annoying.

“Pip Squeak is your nephew? Do you get to foalsit him often?”
“Would you ever want to have foals of your own?”
“Do you have a Very Special Somepony?”
“Are you a virgin?”
“Why is your eye twitching?”
“Know any pranks?”
“Have you ever pranked anypony?”
“Which do you prefer? Unicorns, pegasi, or earth pony mares?”
“Or…stallions? You know, if you do, we’ll totally understand, and—”

The stallion skid to a halt as they arrived at the outskirts of Ponyville.

He was panting and sweating, which was understandable, but not as much as Dame Pie, whose mane and tail—while still in their curly mode—were sagging due to all the sweat, and she was panting somewhat heavily. Dame Dash, the most athletic and with the most endurance, had barely broken a sweat, and she was not panting at all, just breathing deeply.
“Most Excellent Knights of Harmony,” he said with slight gasps. “Thank you for joining me in such a vigorous run. I hope you enjoyed tonight’s date, even if it was extremely improvised on my part. To be honest with you…I didn’t expect any mare to actually bid on me.”
“DATE??? You call that a DATE???” spat the pegasus. “All we did was run around the mountain!! And we haven’t even had dinner yet!!!”
“Not…to…mention…you…never…answered…our…questions!!!” panted the earth pony.
“Yeah!!! What’s up with that???!!! Come on, you’re our date, you HAVE to take us to dinner and have a POLITE conversation with us!!!” Rainbow Dash snorted.

And that made Imaginary blink.

“I…beg your most honourable pardon?” he asked, glaring at the pegasus.
“You heard us!!! We bought you, so we OWN you!!! Now you WILL take us to dinner RIGHT NOW, and you WILL tell us why you want nothing to do with us!!!”

Imaginary blinked again.

“You…own me, Dame Dash?” he asked slowly. He glanced at his watch again, and then continued, “Dame Dash, Dame Pie, if you recall, you didn’t actually pay for me at the auction.”
“Hey! Yes…we did!!! No…wait…we…we didn’t…” Pinkie suddenly realised.
“No, you didn’t. I paid for myself, and even then, I politely decided to take you both on a date which, sadly, I had to improvise, because I had no previous plan for a date whatsoever…because as I mentioned before…
“…I…
“…wasn’t…
“…expecting…
“…to…
“…be…
“…sold!!!” He snorted, “And I don’t think you had tonight’s date planned either, did you?”
Dame Dash snorted at him, and stomped up to him, “No!! And so what???!!! Do you really think you’re being polite right now? You don’t want to tell us about yourself, and you don’t want Pinkie to throw a party for you, even though she’s going to pay for everything…just what the hay is wrong with you???!!!”
“Now…are you going…to take us to dinner???!!!” Even Dame Pie was getting angry.
“Yeah!!! If you’re really the gentlecolt you say you are, you’re GOING to take us to dinner RIGHT NOW and have a Faust-freakin’ NORMAL date tonight!!! AND STOP CALLING US ‘DAMES’!!!”

Just then, the three heard the bells of the clock tower ring in the new day.

Imaginary snorted again, and growled, “One: It is now midnight, so our date is officially over. Even if you two DAMES had bought me, I’m no longer officially bound to do your bidding. Two: Even if the date hadn’t ended, I have no reason to answer any of your annoying questions, because…” his eyes almost seemed to glow with anger, “...I don’t answer to the likes of YOU two.”
“What???!!!” screamed Dame Pie. “What do you mean by that???!!! Don’t tell me you’ve suddenly turned tribalist on us, you Immy-Meanie-Pants!!!”
“What I mean by that,” he continued, “is that I don’t answer to ponies as nosy and as INCONSIDERATE and as…bloody DISRESPECTFUL OF OTHERS AS YOU!!!!” He panted for a moment, letting the shock sink in to the two mares. “And finally, the reason I address you two as ‘Dame Pie’ and ‘Dame Dash’, is because as Element Bearers, Knights of Equestria, and Champions of Equestria, that is the respect you deserve. But when dealing with you two personally, as far as I am concerned, that is the only respect you deserve. And concerning your ‘tribalist’ accusation: in case you forgot, two of my best friends, my nephew, and my brother-in-law are non-unicorns, ergo, your argument is invalid, Dame Pie. But from what I’ve seen and heard…sadly…the only tribalist pony here…” he turned to the blue mare, “…is YOU, Dame Rainbow Dash.”

At that, the pegasus practically roared with rage and hovered above the strangely disrespectful stallion, “I’m tribalist?? I’M FREAKIN’ TRIBALIST???!!! YOU MISERABLE…BIGOTED…BUCKING…HORNED FREAK…JERK!!!! WHAT MAKES YOU BUCKING THINK THAT I’M SOME BIGOTED TRIBALIST????!!!! DO YOU SEE ME PUSHING FOR THE SLAVERY OF UNICORNS AND EARTH PONIES AND DEMANDING THAT ALL PEGASI BE IN CHARGE OF EVERY SINGLE GOVERNMENT POSITION???!!!”

Imaginary didn’t bother looking up at her. Instead, he just turned around and sighed. “Dame Dash, sadly, you’ve just proven my point. Not by your words, but by your actions.”
“Wh—what? What the buck do you mean by that???!!!”
The pink mare, meanwhile, still in shock, leaned toward him and said, “Um…Immy…why do you think that about us? And about Dashie? I mean…the Element of Laughter and…you know, Loyalty? That…doesn’t make—”
“And to further prove—” he suddenly turned to face them, “—that I’m not a tribalist or as rude or as mean as I may have come off tonight…I will take you both to your homes, right here, right now. But as far as I’m concerned, this date is over.”
He charged his horn one more time, just as Dame Pie said, “But Immy, wait! Would you like it if we treated you to din—”

[WINK!!!]

The pink pony disappeared.

“Hey! Where did she go???!!!” Dame Dash demanded to know. She hovered above him one more time and demanded, “Imaginary, where did you wink her to???!!! And look up at me when I’m talking to—!!!!”

[WINK!!!]

The blue pony disappeared.

Imaginary sighed.

Now quite exhausted himself, he charged his horn yet once again, and—

[WINK!!!]

—also disappeared in the darkness.