Somepony Still Loves You, Trixie Lulamoon
by Present Perfect
So I find myself in Equestria, which is strange for a number of reasons.
Reason number one: Equestria is a fictional kingdom in a cartoon show. I am a real person. This shit just does not happen.
Reason number two: I am not a pony. Everyone knows that if a human goes to Equestria, they turn into a pony; it's in the fanfiction. But here I am, standing in Ponyville town square, looking distinctly, unfailingly human. Still fat. Still beardy. Thankfully clothed. I take this as a sign that I will not be stuck here forever and ever, and also that I won't have to learn how to do everything with hooves eventually.
Reason number three: I did not particularly want to go to Equestria. I may be obsessed with the show, but I am now too old for the whole escapism via fantasy worlds shtick.
Also, I have no idea how I got here. All I know is that one moment, I was not in Equestria, and the next moment, I was. I'm an unemployed English major and I do stuff with languages. I definitely did not create or get caught in any kind of reaction that might break the fabric of space-time and shunt me into a cartoon.
Reason number four: There are ponies all around me, and they are not freaking out.
Corollary to reason number four: These ponies are not what you'd call friendly. They in fact seem to be regarding me with some level of apathy, perhaps even disdain if I read their expressions right. That's definitely unusual. Everyone knows when you end up in a terrible self-insertion "Human in Equestria" story, the ponies either freak the fuck out at your presence or welcome you with open arms -- hooves -- and neither is happening to me.
The mood around here is, in a word, muted. Foals are not cavorting through the streets. Salesponies are not shouting their wares. There's hardly any conversation going on at all, actually. I guess I'm not in a self-insertion fanfic, then. At least I don't have to worry about being mobbed by Pinkie Pie. What I do have to worry about is whether or not I can even communicate with them. I've seen that issue come up in numerous fics before, and fanfiction, as we all know, is basically a travel guide for realms of the fantastic.
I choose a target for my first attempt: two ponies seated on a bench to one side of the square, pony-watching and definitely trying to ignore me. And yes, one of them is sitting upright. I pick my way through the herd -- the streets aren't exactly crowded, but these guys only come up to my waist, so I'm gonna trip over somepony if I don't watch out -- put on my best "I'm not going to eat you, I swear" smile and approach the bench.
May it please the court.
"Lyra and Bon-Bon, right?" Boy, that sounds stupid.
Bon-Bon continues to ignore me, while Lyra groans rolls her eyes. "Yeah, whaddaya want?"
They speak my language! Joy!
"Umm... I'm not sure, really. I just got here. I am not sure how." Fidgeting. Wide grin. "Could use some assistance. Don't mean to be a bother."
"Uh-huh." Lyra waves a hoof off to my left and I turn to see what she's pointing at: city hall.
I try to defuse the mounting silence with a nervous laugh. "Isn't there, uh, a conversion bureau or something I should be going to? I mean, who handles interdimensional visas around here?" The humor, it does nothing.
Bon-Bon scoffs and climbs down off the bench. "Let's get out of here."
"Yeah." Lyra slides forward onto her hooves and they move off.
"Thanks, I guess!" Fanon, you have led me astray.
So, city hall then? Do I really want to meet the Mayor? I mean, is that a good idea?
To keep my mind off my bizarre infatuation with Ponyville's number one cougar, I try taking in the sensations of things around me.
First of all, I can't tell if I've been made into a cartoon person, or if Equestria is realistic. It's like I've lost my depth perception as well as my mental frame of reference for the way things are supposed to look. I remember what My Little Pony looks like on TV, but I'm not sure if that's what I'm seeing or not, no matter if I'm looking at the ponies or at myself. It's extremely disconcerting.
The ground crunches under my shoes. That's interesting; it at least sounds like I'm walking on real dirt or gravel or whatever. The air is moving against my skin, ruffling my shirt and what little hair I have left. It smells... fresh. Like, I shit you not, a load of laundry. Though, I guess that would be a load of laundry freshly washed in detergent meant to smell like a summer day, just not all fake, you know?
Sun's warm, check. Celestia's rays shining down on me and all that garbage. Ponyville, uh, sounds like a real place? There's not much besides ponies around to make noise.
What am I doing? Standing awkwardly around, smelling the air and getting funny looks from passersby. I need to go see someone and figure out what to do next. Someone like... Twilight.
Yes. Twilight will know what to do. Plus she'll be full of friendship, not like the strangely aloof ponos around here. And it should be pretty easy to find a huge tree in the middle of a small town, right?
It is not easy to find a huge tree in the middle of a small town, especially when no one wants to give you directions and you're in Tree City, Equestria. I've tried to amuse myself by naming everypony I see walking around, but the plethora of sour looks as I rattle off names are making that game no fun at all. I have to wonder what Pinkie Pie would do if she saw me. I mean, if anypony is gonna act closer to how I expect them to act, it'd be her, but I suppose she could also just throw a cupcake in my face while shouting "Welcome to Ponyville!" and run off.
Thankfully, despite having noticed Sugarcube Corner hereabouts, I see neither hide nor hair of her. Suddenly, I'm wondering if maybe the mane six aren't off saving Equestria or something. That would suck lots, because I'd be stuck with no money or food or friends for at least a little while, until they finished beating up Chrysalis or Sombra or the Lord of the Flies or something.
I wonder momentarily what season I'm in.
I step off the main road to let a cart full of apples -- big, uniformly red, and looking extremely good -- pass by, and then I see what I think might just be my goal. Yep, that's definitely a tree with a door in front. Lots of little balconies in the branches. Sign outside that says... actually, I'm not sure. Equestrian writing just looks like sparkles and horseshoes. Fuck, man, I can't get a break here.
Anyway, this has to be the place, so I go up to the door, knock a few times, and then crouch down because fuck me, I'm over six feet tall and fat and there's no way I can fit through this shit.
Someone's moving inside! I've got butterflies. Time to make a good first impression. God, I hope I don't smell.
The top half of the door opens inward and a purple and green face pokes out.
"Hell--whoa!"
I grin. This has got to be the best thing that's happened since I got here. "Hi. You must be Spike."
He blinks at me a few times. At least he doesn't seem upset. Yet.
"Yeah, uh... Lemme go get Twilight, hang on."
The door closes -- not slams! -- and there's more movement from inside, plus some voices. Then I can hear Twilight yell, "A what?" through the tree wall, and more movement, and finally the door opens again.
"What are you doing here?"
Whatever I was about to say dies an untimely death. I'd hoped we were past that. Dropping all pretense of being polite, I say, "I dunno. I was kind of hoping you'd help me out with that. Y'know, do the friendly thing."
The lower half of the door opens. "Get inside so nopony else has to see you."
I crouch down on all fours and crawl my way into the library. There's thankfully enough room to stand, but I need to keep toward the middle of the room to avoid scraping the ceiling.
Twilight lets out a cry of frustration. "I don't need this right now. Every time one of you 'bronies' comes to Equestria, you expect us all to just drop what we're doing and cater to your every whim. I've seen too many of my friends hurt by you creatures and your sick fantasies, so don't you go lecturing me on what is and isn't friendly, all right?"
Oh. Okay, that more or less explains everything. I clear my throat. "Sorry. Look, I'm just as in the dark as you are though, honestly. I have no idea how I got here, I didn't particularly want to come here in the first place, and I think I'd just like to leave now, since everypony's got a giant stick up their ass."
She snorts. "Well, unfortunately for you, it's not that easy." Sighing, she grabs a rather thick book off a high shelf and slaps it down on her coffee table, sending dust everywhere. Oh god, my allergies, you have no idea.
"Once you're here in Equestria, the only way to get back to human land is to do whatever it is you set out accomplish by coming here."
"But I--"
She holds up a hoof and glares at me. "Since you ended up here by accident, that means you essentially have carte blanche to do whatever you want and fulfill the requirement."
I frown. "Which is?"
"Fifteen minutes with a pony." I can hear her teeth scraping together. "You can do whatever you want with them for that time. Once that period is over, you go home." She takes a deep breath between each sentence, like saying this is causing her physical pain. "To get started, I just need your name."
Immediately, I answer, "Present--" and am cut off by her hoof slamming down on the book.
"Not your sun-damned made up fucking pony name!"
"Uh." In between heart beats, I give her my real name. She scrawls it into the book, closes it, and shoves it back into its spot.
"There. Fine. Now, decide what you want to do, and please don't tell me I'm your favorite pony."
Not anymore you ain't, Sparkle. Of course, Fluttershy's always been top of my list, but... I don't know what I'd do with her. Plus, I don't think I could stand my view of her tarnished by whatever awfulness exists in this Equestria of regret.
So who else? Lyra I saw already, and fuck her. Chrysalis would be... probably awkward and weird and I really should not tread down that path. The more I think about it, the more I realize that tarnished image problem is going to ruin just about any interaction I have.
"I'm waiting!"
Not that I have much choice. "Uhh, look, how much do most ponies know about us?"
Twilight snorts. "Not much. The further you get outside Ponyville, the less they're likely to know."
It suddenly hits me. "I think I've got it, then." I tell her my plan, and she displays a new level of disgust that I would not have thought possible a moment prior.
"You know that's going to require a lot of effort on my part to track her down."
I shrug. "The sooner you do, the sooner I'm out of your mane."
She stares at me for a good long moment, just enough for me to start sweating. That's most likely what she was waiting for, as she snorts once more and trots off to the library's lower level, calling back, "And don't touch anything while I'm gone!"
Well. That was dumb.
I have a seat on the couch, which is of course way too small for me, forcing knees up against my chin. I take a look around the inside of the library, but other than being way close to stuff, it looks pretty much like it does in the show. Which makes the wrongness of this situation all the more palpable. Why did I end up in crapsack Equestria?
Spike emerges from the kitchen, drinking something with a straw. He glances over at me, and then very obviously starts checking the room.
"Hey," he says, as casually as possible.
"Hey," I say back, feeling dumb thanks to knee-beard. "D'you, uh... Hate bronies too?"
He shrugs. "Nah. I mean, Twilight's got good reasons to be wary around you, no lie, but me? I'm cool so long as she's not watching."
Wow. Way to go, Spike. All I can think to do is hold out my fist. He looks at it for a moment, then waddles over, smirks at me, and bumps it with his own.
Oh man, so many people are gonna be jealous. I hope that doesn't count as part of my fifteen minutes. Although if it did, I wouldn't complain.
Spike sits down on the arm of the couch and finishes his drink. Then he excuses himself and heads off to do some chores, and that leaves me alone. Waiting.
Great.
I close my eyes and try to see if I can remember anything about how I might have gotten here. My memory's not that great, after all. But then I somehow get Winter Wrap-Up stuck in my head, and then the Flim Flam Brothers song, and then it's just all over. I resist the urge to stomp my feet or sing or anything. I'm sure it would annoy Twilight, and as much as I'd like to do that right now, I refuse to sink to her level.
Also I'm hungry. I wonder momentarily if I could even gain sustenance from cartoon food. What would it taste like? It's not likely I'll find out, since I doubt Twilight would be willing to feed me for any length of time, and I don't think Spike wants to test her patience any more than I do.
I get up and stretch, walking around where I can fit and inspecting things. Moving to grab a book off a shelf, I remember Twilight warning me not to touch things. Again, that rebelliousness wells up in me, but in the end I figure it's not worth it. It would be interesting to see what Equestrians write about, of course, but I probably won't have time to get too invested in anything. Browsing the titles seems the best way to keep myself occupied.
I get to the P's before Twilight shows up again, my stomach growling fit to wake the dead.
"All right," she says plainly, "I found her."
We saddle up, as it were, and hop a carriage to Manehattan. Oh boy, big cities, just lovely. The carriage driver is rather leery of me, or maybe just leering at me, but Twilight's explanation was that a train would have been too expensive, not to mention the logistics of trying to get me onto one, and a sky chariot wasn't even in the equation. I am privately thankful that I won't be added to her list of airsick brony experiences.
The ride is probably the most awkward one I have ever been on, and this is speaking as a lifelong nervous passenger. She spends it pointedly avoiding looking at me and giving curt answers to the few questions I muster up the courage to ask. Eventually, I give up and just try to ignore her.
That feel when you will never stroke Twilight Sparkle's pretty purple coat.
Manehattan as it turns out is neither as far away as I expected nor as large, though it's larger than Fillydelphia, which we pass in between. It's like everything in Equestria is scaled down for pony use. This isn't to say the buildings aren't looming skyscrapers, it's just that there are fewer of them and they don't loom quite so much. It helps that the streets are fairly broad and filled not with noisy cars but with noisy ponies and carriages like the one we're currently on.
Also thankfully, we seem to be headed not for the center of the city but to what I can only assume is an artisan district. There are murals absolutely everywhere, and strangely those are the first things I've seen that really make me feel like I'm not in an entirely different world. The art styles are as numerous as the paintings themselves, and they all tend toward bright colors even if some are more abstract and frankly more terrifying than others. I don't think they mean to be, given the overall upbeat subject matter depicted in them, it's just a style thing.
We disembark from the carriage, Twilight pays the driver, and then she tells me to keep an eye out. My height doesn't give me any advantage, because our target is nowhere to be seen.
"What if she's not here?"
Twilight frowns. "She will be. She always comes here on Thursday afternoons. We're probably just early." She blows a lock of mane off her face. "The sooner she shows up, the sooner we can get this over with and go back to our lives."
As I keep looking, fruitlessly, I notice something weird.
"They must not get a lot of humans here in Manehattan, huh?"
"I told you as much."
"I mean, they're all kinda staring at me." Silence. "Do we always show up in Ponyville first?"
"Yes." Her irritation is palpable. "Do you ever stop talking?"
"Do you ever stop being a bitch?"
Ooh, I can't believe I just said that. She whirls on me and her eyes are like fire. Twilight gallops two steps over to me, collides with my knees, knocks me over and then clocks me in the arm, which, no lie, hurts like a mother.
"Fuck!"
That feel when you will never be horsepunched by Twilight Sparkle.
"Don't you even judge me!" she shouts, attracting a lot more attention than I had alone. "My life was just fine before you people started showing up in it! Do you have any idea what your kind has done to Fluttershy? To Rainbow Dash?"
"I can guess," I say, holding my arm and gritting my teeth like a champ. "You know we're not all like that though, right?"
"I know you're all more trouble than you're worth!"
Nope, hurts too much. I roll onto my side, still clutching my arm and hissing through my teeth. "The show's about friendship and shit! Can't you at least act civil?"
Purplebitch gets right up in my face. "The 'show' is a load of horseapples! I just want you people to leave me and my friends alone!"
"Fine," I say after I've rolled onto my back. "Fine, Twilight. Whatever. I don't know what you've been through. So you keep on being bitter and I'll shut up now."
"Just what seems to be the problem over here?"
That voice! Finally! I roll over to see Trixie moving up to us. She appears the way I expected her to, cape and hat and everything. She looks at me, then her eyes flick over to Twilight and she raises an eyebrow.
"Is this what I think it is, Sparkle?" she asks.
"Yes." Twilight backs off from me. "This brony wants to meet you. Now please give him his fifteen minutes so he can leave."
For a second, Trixie does nothing. I have to wonder if she can say no or something. Then she flicks her head and says, "Very well, human. What do you wish from Trixie?"
Twilight backs off more and I take a deep breath. "Got any Tylenol? I'm kind of in a lot of pain right now."
Trixie, believe it or not, gasps in horror, her mouth dropping open as she looks from me to Twilight. My arm heats up and out of the corner of my eye I see a glow. Holy shit, magic! Feels awesome, bro, like liquid soap mixed with quantum glitter or something. And once it's gone, my arm doesn't hurt anymore. I poke it just to be sure. Nothing.
"That should last fifteen minutes easily. Feel better?" Trixie casts a little smirk at Twilight for some reason. I wonder just what her reaction is, but I've decided to focus on my fifteen minutes here.
"It is, thanks!" I smile. What in the heck could I actually do right now? "Uh, what else can you do?"
I hear Twilight groan, and the sound of what I'm pretty sure is a hoof hitting a forehead. Trixie takes a step back and launches seamlessly into a quick magical display. It's nothing much, considering, just a bunch of fireworks and light drawings, but... I'm one of those people who's always wanted there to be magic in the world, and it's just really amazing to watch up close. Maybe I did want to come to Equestria and just didn't know it.
"How was that?" she asks, with a flourish and a bow.
"Bravo!" I exclaim, applauding lightly. "You really are talented!" I figure a little ego-stroking can't hurt. After all, she doesn't seem to be as awful as Twilight, so I might get brownie points.
"Trixie likes this one, Sparkle," she practically purrs at Twilight. "Can she keep it?"
"No."
Not surprising to hear. I'm actually slightly thankful for that, though. No way do I want to end up Trixie's slave or something. Trixie makes a noise of disgust and turns back to me.
"Well? There is still time for the Great and Powerful Trixie to regale you with feats of magic. What else shall she do?"
I get a dumb idea.
"Uh. How about I do something for you?" I take a look around the courtyard. Twilight's got a book out, facing away from us but glancing over now and then. Since the fighting stopped, ponies around the plaza are shuffling back into their usual routines. It looks like Trixie even caught the attention of a couple passersby with that little display. Over to the side, I see what I'm looking.
"'Scuse me," I say as I wander up to the earth pony, "would you mind lending me that for a minute?"
He gives me a look of pure terror as he cranes his head up at me.
"S-sure," he says, holding his guitar up. "H-here you go."
Feels bad. "Don't worry, I won't hurt it." He doesn't seem reassured.
I take it back over to Trixie and sit down. Everything seems in tune -- not that I'd know, I always use an electronic tuner -- so I go ahead and start playing the song I wrote about her. Of course, pony guitar and hands, so it sounds awful. And I feel a little stupid playing it, since, y'know, stage fright plus singing about someone to their face, plus it's really, really season one. But she listens to the whole thing, and Twilight chokes on her own spit when I get to the line about shipping them, so it's all good. When I'm done, she applauds softly, with her hooves, not by stomping on the ground.
"That was..." Trixie's obviously searching for something nice to say. "Admirable. Trixie appreciates that you would write a song about her."
I smile. "I thought you might."
She glances at Twilight. "How... Er, how much time do we have?" Twilight just shrugs.
Trixie starts to look uneasy. I suddenly wonder if she might think I'm buttering her up for something unseemly.
"This doesn't happen often, does it? For you, I mean."
Probably not the best thing to ask. She turns away from me for a second, clearing her throat.
"Trixie will admit, she has not had as many... admirers of your sort. Not as many as Twilight Sparkle suggests other ponies have." She meets my gaze again, smiling but somehow not meaning it. "Which is not necessarily a bad thing, of course, given the stories Trixie has heard. The other one only wanted a magic show, and Trixie appreciates being appreciated."
"Well, uh..." I scratch the back of my neck. "I know you've had it kind of rough and stuff. Like, if what I know about you is true and all. Pretty much all I wanted to do, since I had the opportunity and stuff, was just let you know that there's someone out there who cares."
Her smile relaxes. I guess it gets more natural? "Thank you for saying so."
Better get it over with. "Could I have a hug?"
It's obvious that she's thinking about that. It takes a few extremely awkward moments for her to make up her mind.
"The Great and Powerful Trixie accepts."
I kneel down and hold my arms out and she trots up against me and then pony hugs. Wait'll I tell the guys back home, right? Well, I'm not going to, and I'm not going to describe what it was like here, other than "nice". I just went through a good deal of mental and physical turmoil, so the way this feels is my reward to myself.
She whispers into my ear, "You're not going to do anything creepy, are you?"
"No."
Goddammit, bronies, this is why we can't have nice things.
Once the hug ends, me not wanting to be greedy, I start getting tingly all over, kinda like when Trixie numbed my arm. I look down at my hands. They're doing that glowy disintegration thing.
"Aw, butts," I say eloquently. "That was not fifteen minutes just now." Sadly, my unintentional referential joke is lost on my audience.
Trixie smiles at me. Twilight moves into my view as I slowly fade from this reality. The last thing I do before leaving Equestria is give her the double deuce, because seriously, fuck her. Trixie wins at everything.
And then I'm back home.
Just, like, standing in my living room, nothing untoward having happened.
I check myself over, finding nothing amiss. I poke my arm and notice I can feel stuff, not pain thankfully, whereas before it was numb. I guess both the magic and the pain wore off when I came back here.
"Fucking shit!" I yell, twitching like an autist.
"What?" comes the voice from the other room.
"Nothing." I look around the room, just to remind myself where I am if nothing else. "Just the usual."
I pull out my desk chair and plop my ass down into it.
"Fucking ponies," I say into my palms. "Fuck."
My computer's already on. It's like I got up for a drink and stepped through a portal into magical pony land. All that stuff might as well not have happened.
But, lest I forget any details, I open up a Word document and start typing up a recap. And now here I am.
That fucking sucked.