//------------------------------//
// Paperwork Morning 
// Story: The Pony Project 
// by Palm Palette 
//------------------------------//


    



Paperwork Morning


The next morning, Celestia was having her morning tea in the throne room. It was pre-dawn still, but she'd raise the sun soon. She was simply waiting for her sister to return and pass things off to her. Well, she'd wait no longer.

The huge doors burst open and Luna strode in. Her mane was a tangled, disheveled mess and she had bags under her eyes. Her head hung low and her eyes were narrow, and twitched. A light aura enveloped her horn and soon she was followed in by stack after stack after stack after stack of piles and piles of paper. They moved ahead of her and hovered in rows around the room.

Rather than bothering with the normal custom of stopping to chat with her sister and flying out to the balcony, Luna simply turned left and opened the door to her private chambers. “Your turn,” was all she said, and left.

She slammed the door and the moon and dropped all of the papers all at once.

Celestia stared blankly at the mess. Her vision blurred and it looked as if the piles of papers merged together to form dunes. A desert of forms. Celestia blinked and rubbed her eyes. Was she still dreaming? All of the piles were still there when she opened her eyes again. She frowned and walked outside to raise the sun.

When she returned, she magically picked up some papers to inspect them. They were complaints about harassment and reports of property damage. It seemed that Luna had already gone through the trouble of sorting the papers by town and city. Given the sheer number of piles, no town, no matter how minor, was unscathed. It was deeply troubling and it'd take her forever to get through them all.

Perhaps Luna had been right all along. They should have intervened. Celestia had been certain though that Cadance could fix the problem with the Crystal Heart and stop things from devolving this far. Well, there was no going back now. All she could do was carry on and try to clean up this mess.

Celestia looked around and spotted the pile for Ponyville. It was a larger than she expected for such a small town but didn't stop to go through it. Instead, she pulled out a blank paper and penned some instructions. Twilight would have to learn how to handle these things eventually and what better way than through practice? With her note written, she dematerialized the whole stack and sent it off to Ponyville. (Somewhere, someplace, Spike cried out in agony.)

Celestia was about to start on another pile when movement caught her eye. A loose sheet of paper hit the floor. She picked it up. It was her note. Oh, how silly of her, she'd missed sending that too. With a tap, she sent it off (adding insult to Spike's injury). Twilight, the poor dear, could tie herself in a knot sometimes when she tried to work with incomplete material.

Celestia looked back at the Great White Desert. That had been just one pile of papers and there so many to get through...


***


Twilight awoke when she heard the rooster cry, sort of. The back of her mind was still asleep and she couldn't remember what day it was or where she was. The floor was hard and uncomfortable. She tried to lift her head up but hit her horn against something. “Ow.” The pain sped up her awakening process and jolted her eyes open. “Ugh.”

She crawled out from under the bed and tried to piece together what had happened. After Spike had left, she'd tried to remove that 'Want it-Need it' spell she put on herself. She must have accidentally put herself to sleep instead. That should not have happened unless there was no 'Want it-Need it' spell in the first place. Clearly she'd messed up again. She took out a parchment and quill and started a list. Item one: review the principles of decursing.

“Aaahguurrrp-Agh! Ooooh.” That sounded like Spike. Twilight accidentally broke yet another quill when his scream startled her. She dropped what she was doing and ran to her bedroom door. It refused to open.

“Spike! Spike. Are you alright?” Twilight called out to him through the door as she stopped to remove her enchantment.

“I'm oka- Agguurrp!”

Twilight opened her door and ran downstairs. Spike was lying on his back surrounded in papers and the latest one came fluttering down on his nose. Spike groaned. Twilight looked around at the mess. There were papers everywhere. Where would the best place to start be? Twilight picked Spike's nose.

The paper that perched on his draconian protuberance was actually a letter from Celestia with instructions about what to do with the rest. These were complaint forms. Typically lower offices handled this kind of work. In Ponyville, Mayor Mare  would be in charge of it. Complaint forms such as these would only wind up at the palace if they were too difficult to resolve satisfactorily or if there was an overwhelming number of them. Twilight cringed, she had an awful feeling about this...

Spike got to his feet and steadied himself. He looked up at Twilight while she frowned and bared her teeth. He looked around at all the papers he'd coughed up. “Oooh, What's all this about? What are these for?” He was a little less steady than he thought and leaned against the wall for support.

“These are all complaint forms. They'll be easier to get through if we sort them by type. Check the box on the upper right,” Twilight said.

“Well, okay.” Spike bent down to pick up a loose pile. The sheet on the bottom crinkled. When he picked it up, globules of tree sap that hadn't been cleaned up yet stuck to the page and stretched all the way to the floor like bubblegum. “Eww.” Spike shook the paper trying to get it to break free.

“Spike! Stop fooling around.” Twilight leaned down and glared at him.

“Ah.” Spike jumped back and dropped what he'd picked up. Twilight leaned forward and snorted at him. “Okay. Okay.” He bent down and picked them up one at a time reading aloud as he did so. “Twilight... Twilight... Twilight... Twilight, what did you do?”

She avoided telling him that he could read the forms to find out. “Never mind that, just keep sorting.”

“Okay. Twilight... Twilight... Twilight...“

Twilight's heart pounded in her chest. This was terrible, awful, disastrous. Every single pony in this town probably hated her now. What would Celestia do when she found out? OH NO! Celestia already knew. These reports came to her first. Right now, she was planning her punishment. She'd remove Twilight's wings, or banish her, or lock her up, or-

“Twilight...  Twilight... Pinkie Pie...”

“But I don't want to go to magic kindergarten on the moon!” Twilight blurted out.

“Huh?” Spike asked. “Who said anything about magic kindergarten or the moon?”

“I'm doomed. Doomed! I'll be banished for a thousand years. I-” Twilight suddenly froze. “Did you say... Pinkie Pie?” Twilight eyed the report Spike was holding, and grabbed it in a lavender glow. “Let me see that.”

“Ow, hey!” Spike's claw was caught in her glow and he wound up getting pulled along briefly when she yanked at the paper. He fell over and dropped all the papers he'd already sorted. “Hrmph.” Spike got back up to begin again. This time he sorted silently while Twilight read.

“What?” Twilight looked over that report, and looked over it again. It didn't change the second time, no matter how much she'd wanted it to. For all her fear of Celestia's wrath, the knowledge that she'd truly failed her friends was far worse. She'd underestimated them. They hadn't given up. Sure, they got off to a rough start... but they tried to complete the project too. Even Pinkie... Happy bubbly Pinkie... 

And now... Twilight knew she'd been wrong all along. But she hadn't told her friends... Not yet. She looked up from the complaint form and walked over to a window. Some of them were already gathered outside. Their heads hung low. Their hooves dragged. Their smiles were all upside-down.

“Spike. I want you to sort these papers into three piles. One pile for my friends – bring that one out when your done – and one pile for myself.” Twilight scratched her chin. “Anything else don't bring out.” Twilight walked outside before Spike could get her to clarify those confusing instructions.

Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash were just milling about where the mailbox used to be. They weren't saying anything, and Pinkie Pie's midsection was completely wrapped in bandages.

Twilight walked out slowly, dreading every step. What if... what if one of them had actually succeeded? What if... they all had? Was she looking at three ponies, or the beginnings of six? Three of whom were unnecessary... Twilight swallowed. How could she break the news?

Her thoughts were interrupted by a scuffing noise. Big Mac was backing up and dragging Applejack in by her tail. She was on her back, legs sticking straight up in the air, eyes wide, unblinking, and staring into the sky. She didn't even twitch when she was dragged over rocks and her head bounced off them. 

“You,” Fluttershy said. Her tone of voice was hardly flattering.

Big Mac twisted around. “You,” he responded in kind.

They locked eyes – eyes that narrowed. They bent their heads down, snorted and growled. The crouched down a bit, and scrapped their hooves on the ground as if preparing to charge.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's gotten between you two?” Twilight got between them. “Big Mac what's wrong? Fluttershy, I never thought I'd see you behave like this.”

“She started it.” Big Mac stamped his hooves and snorted again.

Fluttershy dropped her offensive stance, crossed her hooves and meekly swung her head away. “Twilight, I-”

“Twilight, Twilight.” Sweetie Belle came running up. “Have you seen Rarity? She's missing. And she was supposed to take me to the Wonderbolts derby today.”

“Uh, sorry Sweetie, but Rarity left for the Crystal Empire yesterday,” Twilight said.

“What? The Crystal Empire?” Sweetie Belle said.

“Aw, heh heh. Sweetie, you should come with me and Scoots then,” Rainbow Dash said. “I could be like your, uh, half-sister or something for a day. I promise I won't let you down. Well, if they're even still having the race today, that is.”

“Really? Thanks Rainbow Dash! Wait. Why wouldn't they – uh.” Sweetie Belle stopped talking to look up at the sky. Twilight followed her gaze.

A royal chariot was approaching. Twilight knelt low to the ground and whimpered. At any moment now, Celestia would hop off, strip her wings from her, assign her first-year magic homework, then banish her straight to the moon for a thousand years. Wait, that wasn't Celestia's chariot. He fear was replaced by apprehension as Cadance flew in. So far, she was the only pony smiling. Rarity was sitting next to her with a fake grin plastered over-top of her grimace.

When the chariot stopped moving, Rarity hopped off and hugged and kissed the ground.

“Uh, Rarity, what are you doing?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“I just really hate flying. That's all,” Rarity said in a harsh whisper.

“What, but you had no problems with flying during the young flyer- oh.”

“Precisely.”

Cadance hopped off herself and ran over to greet Twilight. It took her a moment to realize that she was singing about sunshine and ladybugs by herself. “Twilight, are you okay?” she asked.

“No! I screwed up! I thought- I mean; and now all my friends...” Her face scrunched up in a huge frown, and tears were dripping down her cheeks. He friends watched her break down. Despite their own problems, they looked sympathetic. Big Mac wasn't.

He leaned over to glare at Twilight and pointed a hoof at her. “Ai'm very disappointed in you Twilight. Applejack told me all about it. Have you no shame? How could you ask your friends to get pregnant?” 

“Pregnant?” Cadance and Sweetie Belle asked.

“What kind of awful friend are you?” Big Mac added.

“But, I thought Celestia-” Twilight tried to excuse herself but Big Mac cut her off.

“Celestia'd never ask any pony to do that. If she asked me to breed ai'd spit in her face.” The other pony's eyes widened in shock. “'Cause that wouldn't be her. It'd be an impostor.”

“He's right.” Twilight hung her head in shame. “She didn't ask for that. It was an art project all along. There's an exhibit next year at the Canterlot Gardens. We'd have to get started early by making reservations due to limited space.” The atmosphere relaxed a few degrees. Her friends let out some of the breath they'd been holding tightly. But there was still a lot of tension. They glanced around at each other nervously. Applejack continued to stare blankly at the sky. Big Mac grunted, and Sweetie Belle wrapped herself around Rarity's leg. Rarity whispered something to Cadance, who nodded.

Cadance walked up and gave Twilight a rather embarrassing inspection. Twilight knew what she was doing but submitted to it all the same. Cadance repeated the process with Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy. She was gentler with Pinkie, due to the bandages. She prodded Applejack in the flank a few times before starting on her. Applejack didn't respond.

“They're clean,” Cadence said. Now they relaxed.

“I'm so glad to hear that,” Twilight blurted out. “Uh, I mean, not that I would have been upset at all if they weren't...”

“But you would have felt responsible for it,” Rarity said.

“I'm already responsible for so much! Applejack hasn't even blinked yet, and Pinkie, are you all right? What happened?”

“I got a bit carried away. That's all. It's just a cracked rib. It'll mend in a few days. The doctor says I have to keep the bouncing to a minimum, try not to stress it too much, and definitely no pouring myself though any faucets again anytime soon.” The other ponies looked at Pinkie with strange expressions – except Applejack, who continued to stare up at the sky.

“I think she's exaggerating. There's no way that could be possible – even for her,” Rarity said.

“As much it it pains me (literally sometimes), I've learned it's best not to question things too much when Pinkie's involved,” Twilight said.

“I always aim to please.” Pinkie smiled.

Twilight walked over to Applejack and looked her in the face. The Earth pony was one with her element. She was breathing steadily but nothing they'd said so far had gotten a response. “Big Mac, do you have any idea what's wrong with your sister?”

Twilight turned around when he ignored her question. “Big Mac – hey!” With Twilight out of the way, he was free to resume glaring at Fluttershy. She was glaring back in kind. They started growling. “I thought I told you two to cut it out!” Twilight got between them. “Fluttershy, I don't get it. You never act like this. What happened?”

“He insulted me for being a pegasus, he called me a 'cow', he said my body 'sucks', he spat in my face!” Fluttershy listed her grievances.

“She refused to take 'no' for an answer and kept trying to force herself on me,” Big Mac said.

“What! Why did you do that?” Twilight asked Fluttershy.

“I just couldn't help myself. When the sky turned red, I was overcome by the most intense passion I'd ever felt. I... I knew it wouldn't ever work. I knew I'd never be able to overpower a pony as strong as Big Mac, but I felt compelled to just keep trying anyway.”

“Wait, you felt it too? All the way out here? But you're not even close to the Crystal Empire.” Rarity looked around in surprise.

“I felt it too,” Rainbow Dash said.

“Same here,” said Pinkie.

“Ooh, do you know what this means?” Cadance looked up at the sky with a huge smile and rubbed her hooves together. “This is even better than I'd thought! Not only can I spread love across the Crystal Empire, but across the entire world?”

“Uh, maybe I should explain what happened,” Rarity said. “Before Queen Shipper here spouts off an evil plot to destroy the world.” Cadance playfully stuck her tongue out at Rarity.

“When I got to the Crystal Empire, I went to see Cadance to seek her advice with the 'pony project'. She wasn't available, so naturally I went to admire the Crystal Heart. Can't really blame me for being so fascinated with a giant, magical gemstone can you? That's when I was overcome with raw magical power; power so great it let me look through the heart and deep into the entirety of the Crystal Empire."

“I briefly had to struggle with some tacky lingering dark magic that tried to tempt me into overthrowing Cadance and ruling the empire with fear and hatred like Sombra did.”

“I couldn't believe it myself. All this time we'd been living with a second shadow.” Cadance sat down and placed a hoof over her heart.

“Dark magic! There's dark magic still lingering in the heart itself?” Twilight asked with urgency.

Rarity waved her off. “Not anymore there isn't.” Rarity couldn't lift her other foreleg to thump her chest proudly because Sweetie Belle was still clinging to it. “Sweetie...”

“Oh, sorry.” Sweetie Belle let go.

“Now, as I was saying, I'd never quite felt more connected to the Element of Generosity than I did at that moment. It was supplying me with magical energy, and well, generosity and slavery don't mix.”

“Wait,” Twilight said, “your magic surge came from your tie to the Elements? Because right about that time I'd botched a 'Want it-Need it' spell. It was going out of control when the Element of Magic absorbed it. That explains everything. It must have sent the spell to you somehow, and from you to the heart where the spell could effect everyone!” Twilight's teeth chattered as she gnawed at her hooves.

“No, Twilight. That doesn't quite explain it. I'd only gotten raw magic. I had to cast the spell myself.” Rarity sighed and looked up at the sky. “It was unpleasant, but it only took a little magic to cleanse the heart. I had a lot of power left over, and with the dark magic gone, I felt three things.

“First and foremost, I had a strong connection to the empire. I could see all the inhabitants. I could feel what they felt; I knew who they were, as if I'd known them all my life. They had such trouble adjusting to life after being banished for so long, and didn't feel truly alive again yet.

“Secondly, I was very generous. While I could see into their hearts, I wanted to bear mine, to show them everything I had to offer. And I had a lot to offer. Lastly, ever since I left for the Crystal Empire, I'd been getting intense bouts of passion for the crystal stallions. Whenever I saw one I'd just heat up. Since I was connected to all of them, I had an enormous amount pent up and I decided to share.”

“Wait, that doesn't make sense,” Rainbow Dash said. “Passion that strong just isn't natural. Twilight's explanation makes more sense.”

“Well, maybe not for most ponies. But it seems to run in my family. My mother mentioned feeling something similar to that when she met my father.” Rarity bared her teeth and frowned.

“That sounds like a lovely story. Why are you cringing?” Fluttershy asked.

“Yes, well, she didn't then have to go on and explain in great detail about how I'd been conceived.” Rarity lowered her head and her cheeks flushed a deep crimson. Cadance and a few others giggled at that.

“Regardless, that's how the sky turned red and where the passion came from.” Rarity finished her tale and sat down. "It was such a lovely sky too," she added wistfully.

“Well don't just stop there,” Pinkie said. “You were just getting to the juicy part.”

“Whatever do you mean?” Rarity asked.

“Yeah,” Rainbow Dash said, “tell us about how you chased some tail.”

“Hrmph. A lady does not just 'chase some tail'. That's hardly prim or proper. I just asked some stallions politely and they said 'no'. That's all.”

“That's not what I saw,” Cadance said. Rarity waved for her to stop but Cadance ignored her. “A lady should not bite or kick so much. That's hardly prim or proper. But don't worry, the doctor assures me those stallions will make a full recovery.” Rarity collapsed on the ground and buried her head in her hooves. She was blushing again.

“Rarity-” Sweetie Belle poked at her sister. “-That wasn't nice.”

“I'll explain it to you later,” Rarity replied in a whisper.

“Well then you two-” Twilight stepped out from between Fluttershy and Big Mac and turned to face them. “-now that you know the full story, don't you have something to say to each other?”

With attention back on them, Fluttershy and Big Mac felt obligated to resume glaring at each other. 

“I think I know something that would cheer them up.” Cadance stuck out her tongue and lit up her horn in a soft, blue glow. Little red hearts began to bubble out of its tip.

“Cadance-” Twilight waved a hoof at her dismissively “-these two don't need a love spell. They just need to apologize.”

Big Mac and Fluttershy totally freaked out when Twilight said 'love spell'. They jumped in the air, eyes wide, and scrambled away. Cute little hearts floated to the ground where they'd been standing. They did not want to get close to those things at all. Sweetie Belle seemed to enjoy playing with them, though.

“Look, I'm sorry I started the whole thing. I should have known better.” Twilight said.

“And she should know better too. It's still her fault.” Big Mac pointed at Fluttershy. Her eyes narrowed in anger and... her expression softened when she caught Twilight glaring at her.

“It's true. I'm sorry I tried to force myself on you. I should have left you alone when you said 'no'.” Fluttershy closed her eyes and sighed. “Big Mac, I know it doesn't seem like it now, but, when I helped with your chores, and set out that picnic, I really was trying to get to know you better. I felt like I was making a new friend but, when you rejected me so harshly you took that all away.” Fluttershy was trying to do her best not to cry but she wasn't doing a very good job.

“Ai guess ai could have been nicer too,” Big Mac said. “The first time.”

“Then I guess it's settled. You two don't have to be lovers, but you can still be friends.” Twilight extended a hoof. “Deal?”

Fluttershy and Big Mac looked each other in the eyes. “Deal,” they said and extended a foreleg to tap their hooves together. It seemed like a great weight had been lifted from between them. They no longer suffocated from the smothering pressure of a relationship. They could, at least, tolerate each other again.

Big Mac tuned to walk away. He prodded Applejack's flank. “You've got a lot to be sorry for too,” he said.

Applejack didn't budge, she still stared blankly at the sky.

“Applejack, what is wrong with you?” Rainbow Dash asked. She flew over and started making faces at hopes of getting a response.

“There isn't anything physically wrong her. But she looks like she's frozen in shock.” Twilight also loomed her head over Applejack. “Perhaps I could try a memory spell?”

“Unless you can erase memories I don't think that would help. I mean, it was just last night, but I know I'm going to get chills for weeks thinking about what happened in Cloudsdale.” Rainbow Dash shuddered.

“Huh, did something happen to Cloudsdale?” Fluttershy asked.

“Did something happen? Did something happen? Cloudsdale is holey-er than the Changling army.” Rainbow Dash threw out her forelegs in exasperation. “You can see the sun straight through the Rainbow Factory.”

The other ponies just stood there, blinking.

“What goes on in the Rainbow Factory was never meant to see the light of day.”

The other ponies just stood there, staring. They stopped blinking.

“Well, rainbows are pretty sensitive to light.”

“Why is Cloudsdale full of holes?” Rarity asked.

“Oh, right, that...” Rainbow Dash closed her eyes and swallowed. She opened them and rolled them upwards while pointing a hoof at the sky. “Well, when the sky turned red, I wasn't thinking of any particular pony so, uh, I decided to find one. I didn't want just any pony though; I wanted the best. I'd already exhausted my options in Ponyville, so I went to Cloudsdale instead. But when I got there, I found that there weren't any stallions to be seen. All the mares were out though.”

“The same thing happened in Ponyville,” Pinkie said.

“A similar thing happened in the Crystal Empire too, but all the ponies were outside when the spell took effect and they were slow to separate,” Rarity said. “I think I botched the spell up and made the stallions feel different somehow.”

“No, no. The stallions felt the same way,” Cadance said, matter-of-factually.

“What?” Rarity asked. “If that was true than wouldn't they have been more...” Rarity's voice trailed off and she started blushing again.

“Approachable?” Pinkie Pie asked.

Cadance sat down on her hind legs and waved a hoof in front of her. “Well, it must be pretty confusing for a stallion to feel like a mare in heat.”

That was just too much for them. The lot of them just burst out laughing and rolled over.

“Oh, my ribs,” Rainbow Dash cried out in pain.

“Oh, my ribs,” Pinkie Pie cried out in actual pain.

Twilight bumped into Applejack, but she just rocked back and forth and continued to stare up blankly at the sky.

“Oh, oh man... That explains sooo much,” Rainbow Dash said. “Well, as I was saying, I wanted only the best pony I could get. Well, I wasn't thinking clearly – clearly – so I was only going to keep the stallion who it took me the longest to catch. But there weren't any ponies to catch. They were all in hiding.

“So I took the direct route, and busted a hole in the nearest wall. Sure enough, there was a pony there. I caught him very quickly, and released him because he was too slow.” Rainbow Dash took a deep breath. “The other mares saw me and started kicking the walls down too. I... I wanted to condemn them for the vandalism, but every time they flushed a new stallion out of hiding, I... I wound up chasing him instead.

“So I spent the rest of the night uselessly catching and releasing ponies while Cloudsdale was being destroyed around me. I think I'd set my standards so high that a pony wold have to actually outrun me before I'd even consider him.”

“Heh heh, well, I'm sure you can just put Cloudsdale back together again right?” Twilight asked.

“Any building can be repaired eventually, but we'll need water for that. We may have to extend the summer dry spell. We'll have to make clouds just to patch up the place before we can make clouds for rain. If it takes too long though, I guess we could try importing rain from Las Pegasus.”

“Las Pegasus?” Applejack fell over. 

“Applejack!” Rainbow Dash bent down to help her up.

“Are you all right? You really had us worried there.” Twilight ran over to lend a hoof too. The other ponies crowded around as well. Sweetie Belle just spun in circles humming to herself, though.

“Alright? Alright? NO! Of course ai'm not all right.” Applejack accepted their help standing up. Once she was standing up, she reached a foreleg up to her crest. “Dang blast it all. Ai've lost my hat, too.”

“Applejack, we can get you a new hat,” Rarity said.

“Yeah, forget the hat.” Rainbow Dash hovered above the ground and extended her forelegs. “What's so special about Las Pegasus anyway?”

“But that hat's-” Applejack dropped the subject. “Oh, never mind.” She put all four hooves back on the ground and snorted. “Las Pegasus is the only place left with an active sperm bank. But it's a pegasus town, and ai don't want a pegasus donor.”

“You too.” Fluttershy narrowed her eyes.

“Ai'm sorry Fluttershy, but ai can't help how ai feel.” Applejack drooped her eyelids. “Pegasus are still better than unicorns, though.”

“What.” Rarity glared at Applejack.

“Uh, ai mean-”

“Ooh, ooh, do you treat Earth ponies like dirt too?” Pinkie asked.

“I think we're getting a bit off topic here.” Twilight stepped in. “Good thinking about the sperm bank though. But I'm sure they carry all pony types. After all, pegasus have varied tastes but only other pegasus can live in a cloud city. Heck, if this 'pony project' had turned out to be real, I'd offer to take us all there right now.”

“That doesn't explain why you were so... 'out of it', though,” Rarity said. “What else did you do?” Sweetie Belle rolled over towards Rarity. Rarity stopped her with a hoof and sent her rolling off in the opposite direction with a gentle nudge.

“Ah, well, ai kind of hit the cider, hard,” Applejack said. “Big Mac found me, and we got into an argument, and that's when the sky turned red.” Applejack swallowed. “And then ai hit on him.”

The other ponies cringed, even Cadance. Sweetie Belle stopped rolling. “What?” she squeaked.

“He ran off, of course, and right then and there ai decided 'no more cider'-”

“That's right. You can't just make your problems go away by drinking,” Pinkie said.

“What?” Rainbow Dash hovered over Pinkie and pointed at her. “But you're always the first one in line to buy cider and you buy so much there's hardly any left for the ponies that come after you.”

“I never said drinking was bad. You just have to be responsible first. That's all.” Pinkie sat down and crossed her forelegs and looked away with closed eyes.

“Ai said, 'No more cider,' because ai needed something stronger,” Applejack said. (Pinkie slapped her face with a hoof.) “Ai went for an old elixir. It was so old it tasted rotten. But it was still potent. It clears all worries and inhibitions while it lasts but... It won't let you forget anything either.

“At that point, with the cider mixed with the elixir and the red sky, ai... Ai just wandered around town, begging the ponies ai met to have sex with me.” Applejack's eyes were wide and she was shuddering, reliving the memory she couldn't forget. “Caramel, Twilight Sky, Quick Fix, Comet Tail, Bright Idea, Lucky Lavender...”

“What? But those aren't all Earth ponies,” Twilight Sparkle said.

“And some of them are mares,” Pinkie Pie said.

“One of them, said 'yes'.” Applejack blurted out, to her own horror.

“Really?” Rarity asked. “What happened then?”

“What do you think happened? Ai threw up and passed out,” Applejack said. “Eventually,” she added; too faint to hear.
“And when you woke up you couldn't come to terms with what you did, and Big Mac had to drag you here, right?” Twilight asked.

“Oh Twilight,” Applejack collapsed on the ground in front of Twilight, grabbing one of her forelegs and looking up into her eyes. “Can't you do something, anything, to make me forget that awful night? Please, ai'm begging you to at least try.”

“Not without causing massive brain damage.” Twilight removed her foreleg from Applejack's grip.

“Well, it's not like ai was using it anyway...”

“I think I can help you feel better,” Cadance said.

“Really? Well lay it on me then – the most powerful spell you got.” Applejack clenched her eyes shut in anticipation. Candance just walked over and bent down to whisper in Applejack's ear. “Ai didn't think about it that way... but ai'm not that kind of pony.”

“I wouldn't worry too much. Most of the ponies you asked were still male, after all.”

“Thanks, Cadance. That does make me feel better.” Applejack got up and dusted herself off. “And ai'll keep that other thing in mind too.” 

Sweetie Belle rammed her horn into the ground and kicked herself upright with her hind legs. She stood upside-down briefly, before falling over backwards.

“Uh, Sweetie Belle?” Rarity asked.

“I'm booored,” she whined. Pinkie Pie looked down on her face, practically touching noses.

“Well we can't have a frown. Not in this town.
So please reciprocate, when I say that you are great.
You'll unquestionably, be happy for me;
for I'm unquestionably, Pinkie! - Boop” 

Pinkie Pie stuck out her hoof and tapped Sweetie's nose.

“Hey,” Sweetie Belle said. She rolled over and got up. “I'll get you back.” She chased after Pinkie trying to hit her with a hoof, but Pinkie kept dodging. “Boop, boop, beep, beep – Bop!” she said, as she swung at Pinkie. Her last attempt made a connection, hitting Pinkie squarely on the bandage. “Ha ha, that was fun, Pinkie.”

Pinkie's eyes went wide and her pupils shrunk to points. She talked through clenched teeth, “Any... time... Sweetie...”

“Okay, 'Sweetie Bot', why don't you settle down a bit. I think we're almost done here. If you're good we'll get you some ice cream,” Rarity said.

“Yay! Ice cream.” Sweetie Belle bounced in the air. Then she saw Rarity's expression. “Uh, I mean... I'll just sit over here... quietly.”

“That's a good girl.” Rarity patted her sister on the back.

“So, uh, Pinkie?” Rainbow Dash landed in front of Pinkie. She held a foreleg out in front of her but wasn't pointing in any direction. She was looking around though. “You'd said that the stallions were all hiding inside but Applejack said that she'd met several of them. This place doesn't look destroyed so... What happened here?”

“Well, yeah, the night started off, like that thing you said, but I wasn't going to let all the mares just wallow in misery outside while the boys hid; so I came up with a plan. We pretended that Twilight had come up with a cure, but they had to come outside to get it. Once they did, we locked them out.”

“You impersonated me?” Twilight frowned at Pinkie.

“Well I'd of asked you if you were there. Duuh. I'm surprised I didn't see you at all. I'd have expected you to at least show up when the screaming started. That library's not completely soundproof.”

“She has a good point. What were you doing Twilight?” Fluttershy asked.

“There's not much to say, really. I just happened to look into a mirror when the sky turned red. I thought I'd cast 'Want it-Need-it' on myself so I hid under my bed. I tried to remove the spell, but my counterspell misfired since there was nothing for it to remove and I wound up knocking myself out.”

“Well, now that you've all told me what happened, I think I can make a summary for Celestia when I meet with her.” Cadance got up to return to her chariot.

“Wait Cadance, we're not quite done yet.” Twilight motioned for her to stop. Then she swung her head around to face the library. “Spike! Spike!”

“Yes, Twilight?” came his muffled reply.

“Aren't you done yet?”

“I'm trying but these last few papers are just so sticky...”

“Just bring out what you have then,” Twilight commanded.

Spike kicked open the door and came out with a pile of papers. It was a fairly respectable pile, a bit more than a hoof-width in height. A couple of other papers stuck to his side. “These are the complaints about your friends,” he said and dropped them in a pile by her feet. He turned around and went back inside.

“What,” Applejack said.

“Complaints about us?” Pinkie Pie asked.

“That's right,” Twilight said. “Each and every one of these is a grievance that you've inflicted upon a fellow citizen. Now, as you can see: there are quite a lot of them. I know you weren't quite feeling yourselves but the sheer number is still disappointing. I expect each and every one of you to go through this pile and-”

“-and this-” Spike came back outside again. He was carrying a much larger pile – about three times as large. Twilight spun around when she heard his voice. She frantically waved her hooves in the air in an effort to get him to stop – but it was no use. He couldn't see over the top of the pile. “-is the pile of complaints about you.” He dropped it next to the other pile.

The ponies stared at the two piles of papers. The enormous difference between the sizes of them was enough to crack them up. They all stood there laughing while Twilight tried her best to bury her head in the sand. (There was no sand – she wasn't very successful). Failing that, she just pressed her head on the ground and covered it with her hooves. She burst out crying.

“I'm such a failure! I made such a fool of myself. Celestia has to be so disappointed in me. She'll come by at any moment now and punish me for my horrible mistakes. She'll banish me straight to the moon! No, the moon won't be good enough for me. That's only for her real family. She'll have to send me somewhere else – like Uranus! She'll banish me to magic kindergarten for a thousand years and make me do all my homework on Uranus and-”

“Woah there.” Cadance stepped in. She put a hoof on Twilight's shoulder. “Remember what I taught you. Deep breaths.” She demonstrated the technique again: she took in a deep breath and extended a foreleg as she exhaled to let the tension out. Twilight followed suit, but didn't look any more relaxed.

“Twilight,” Cadande said, “Aunt Tia doesn't want to punish you.”

“What? But she sent me all these complaint forms,” Twilight said.

“Exactly. She's giving you the opportunity to be responsible for yourself. It's not like Celestia never gets any complaints about her own behavior, either.”

“Oh.”

“Uh, Twilight?” Applejack asked, “Ai don't mean to pry, but if you were hiding under the bed all night then what, exactly, did they have to complain about?”

“Oh, well, I kind of spent the entire day-” Twilight paused for a bit as her eyes rolled down to look at Spike then back up at the other ponies “-asking every pony I met for 'that thing' that I'd need to complete 'that project'.”

“'That thing'?” Sweetie Belle asked, “Don't you mean- uumph.” Rarity stuck her hoof in Sweetie Belle's mouth.

Rarity leaned down and whispered in Sweetie's ear, “Not in front of Spike, you understand?” Sweetie Belle nodded, and Rarity removed her hoof.

“What, aren't you ever going to tell me what this was all about?” Spike asked.

“No.” Every pony shook her head, then tried her best to avoid laughing at him.

“Oh, fine. I see how it is. Well I have better things to do anyway. I have to go reshelve all the books in the library because some pony thought it'd be funny to rearrange them all by color.” Spike stormed off and slammed the door to the library behind him.

This got odd looks from the others. “Heh-heh, heh. I may have done that, too,” Twilight confessed.

Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash laughed at that.

Twilight glared at them. “It wasn't a prank,” she said. Great. Now all her friends were laughing at her. Twilight covered her face in shame.

Once she stopped laughing Rainbow Dash poked at the paperwork. “Well, I guess all that's left is to, ugh, go through these forms,” she said.

“Well, if that's all, than I think I could be excused?” Fluttershy asked. “I only bothered one pony and we already apologized.”

“Ai think that's fine Fluttershy. You know, for all that ai'd said about pegasus, ai think it's a shame that things didn't work out between you and Big Mac. Ai'd never heard him talk so much before, he must have enjoyed your company.” Applejack scratched at her crest. Her lack of hat was bothering her again.

“I wouldn't give up on them just yet,” Twilight said. “After all, the best relationships are those that blossom from friendship.”

“Of course, you would say something like that,” Cadance said.

“Hey, I mean it. You can't have a healthy relationship without friendship. Infatuation might be cute and all, but I'd hate to be put in a spot where that was the only thing that tied us together. Cough. Equestria Girls. Cough,” Twilight said.

“Hey, are we breaking the fourth wall now?” Pinkie asked.

“Sure, Pinkie, go right ahead. We've just been standing out here chatting for hours. The narrator's probably moved on to the next scene by now. It wouldn't make sense for to go on for 7k+ words for a chapter that's basically a summary of the previous 40k words,” Twilight said.

“Oh, well, in that case. I'm going to complain about this line I was given: 'La la la-la la-la la'. Urgh!”

“Seriously, Pinkie? Seriously?” Applejack asked. “Out of all the things you've done, and out of all the lines you were given, you had to pick that to complain about?”

“Well, it makes me sound like a complete ditz.”

“Nice earrings, by the way,” Applejack said.

“Thanks.” Pinkie's voice dripped with venom.

“Well, ai've got something that's really been bothering me too,” Applejack said. “You, uh, do know that ai can say the word, 'I', right? I think every pony already knows what I sound like by now. You don't have to just randomly make up words just because I'm the one that's speaking. How the heck would you even pronounce 'ai' anyway? Ah-ee? It makes no sense!” Applejack threw up her forelegs.

“Oh, and one more thing: why do you capitalize Earth pony but not pegasus or unicorn? Isn't that inconsistent?” Applejack asked.

“Well, the narrator has to distinguish the Master race somehow,” Pinkie said.

“Well, in that case: carry on.”

“Well I don't have any complaints really,” Rarity said. “Any story where I can be crystalline again is one I'm willing to put up with.”

“I kind of liked it, I guess,” Fluttershy said. “I mean, I didn't get what I wanted, in the plot, but I didn't have to be timid much at all. Nor was I really all that mean, either. Except to Big Mac, of course, but he kind of deserved it.”

“Well I give it a 4/10. It needed way more sonic rainbooms.” Rainbow Dash flew up and did a back-flip and smacked her hooves together.

“You act like you've been reading the story. I couldn't get past the first word,” Twilight said. “Who, in their right mind, would ever start a story with the work 'meanwhile'? It makes no sense! It means that an action is concurrent with another one, but if it's the first word in the story than there's no action to be concurrent with! Grah!”

DEAR SWEET CELESTIA! WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU PONIES DOING? I step out for five minutes and you've decided it'd be more fun to rant about the story than to finish it? You only had about two more lines in this section to go and then you could have ranted all you want. But noooo, now I'm going to have to go back and edit this all out. Thanks a lot.

Rarity put on her glasses. “While you're at it, why don't you start at the beginning of this whole chapter. It's kind of... dull.”

Really, Rarity, really? For that you get an unnecessary epilogue.

“Uh, thanks?” Rarity drooped her ears.

“Ooh, ooh, cam I be in the unnessa-what's it too?” Sweetie Belle asked.

Uh, sure, Sweetie. Why not?

Well, we might as well pick up where we left off. Cadance, line.

...

Cadance?

...

It seems like some pony would rather be chasing butterflies. CADANCE!

“Oh, sorry, what?” Cadance asked.

Line.

“Right. Ahem. Of course, you would say something like that,” Cadance said.

“Well, I guess my opinion of love will change once it happens to me,” Twilight said, and blushed.

“I think you ponies have your work cut out for you.” Cadance pointed at the paperwork. “So if there's nothing else, I'm going to give my report to Celestia.”

“Wait, shouldn't we report what we've learned?” Twilight asked.

“I think, in this case, what you've learned is mostly personal and not something that needs to be shared.” Cadance pointed to Applejack, who nodded.

With no further other objections, Cadance left for Canterlot. Twilight and most of the others sorted through the forms. Rarity and Sweetie Belle left for ice cream and Fluttershy returned to her cottage.


***


Celestia was hard at work in her throne room. It wasn't even noon yet, and she could feel the bags building under her eyes. She wouldn't have to go though every page individually, but she still had to go through enough to get a sense of the kind of damages and grievances that had occurred. One she'd decided what kind of actions to take, she could turn things back over to the lesser offices and issue a blanket statement. It'd help if she knew why all of this had even happened in the first place, but only Cadance could tell her that.

As if thinking of her was an actual summons, the guard at the door spoke up, “My lady,” he said, “Princess Mi Amore-” The huge double doors burst open in a flash of blue magic and Cadance came running in. The huge piles of paperwork strewn across the room didn't deter her in the least. As a matter of fact, she lept on top of the largest pile she could find and used her momentum to slide across the room. She was body-surfing on the suffering of others.

“Wheee.” Huge piles came crashing down and papers scattered in every direction as Cadance came to a stop at the foot of Celestia's throne.

“Cadance-” Celestia looked up at chaos that had arrived in her wake. She'd carved a rut clean through the Great White Desert. “-what is the meaning of this?”

“I had the most magical night last night,” she said. She looked up at Celestia and winked at her.

“I can only imagine. But surely you knew there was something wrong with the Crystal Heart. How could you let that go on for so long? Shouldn't fixing it have been your top priority?”

“What? And turn down such a wonderful gift?” Cadance's eyes went wide with shock.

“Gift?” Celestia's world view was proving to be about as stable as the piles of papers that had come crashing down.

“Oh yes, and what a marvelous gift it was.” Cadance finally got up to address Celestia properly. “The story doesn't start with me though, it began in Ponyville.”

“Ponyville?”

Cadance laughed. “Did you even read any of those forms you sent off to Twilight? Most of those complaints were about her, you know.”

“What? What did she do?” Celestia's eyes shrank to points at the thought of her most prized pony getting herself into so much trouble.

“It's less of what she did, and more of what she almost did; for you see...” Cadance leaned forward and whispered in Celestia's ear. She was doing about as much giggling as whispering. Celestia wasn't laughing, though.

“What?” ... “She thought I what?” ... “She did what?” ... “They all did WHAT?” Celestia's mane stopped flowing and faded to pink. “But I don't understand, how could this have happened? I thought my instructions were perfectly clear.” Cadance shrugged. “Did anything come of this?” Celestia shook Cadance by her shoulders.

“No, I checked them over,” Cadance said. Celestia closed her eyes and let out her breath. “As for how this ties to the Crystal heart; Rarity...” Cadance leaned forward and whispered again.

“Dark magic!” Celestia went stiff.

“Not anymore, she removed it. But believe me, I had no idea it was there either,” Cadance said.

“Removed it?” Celestia asked.

“Yes, it's gone for good now. As much trouble as all of this has caused, I'd say that that alone makes it worthwhile. I'd rather have one night of craziness than have to deal with something like Sombra again.”

“Now that I can agree with,” Celesta said.

“And the night wasn't crazy so much as it was amorous. In those few hours, I leaned so much about the Crystal Heart and what it's truly capable of.”

“Uh...” Celestia felt a sense of dread wash over her. Had she given a superweapon to the Princess of Love?

“It'd be a shame not to use it again. I've already got plans for next year.” Cadance rubbed her hooves together and smiled.

“Next year?”

“Oh yes. You know, last night used to be an old holiday, the 'Night of Life'. I doubt I could bring it back in its original form, but if I tone things down a bit-”

“Obviously.”

“-and change the name, I think I can bring the holiday back. I was thinking along the lines of 'Marehood Day'.”

“Cadance, are you sure that's wise?” Celestia asked.

“Hmm, now that you mention it, I should probably add a 'Stallion Day' too. And I can light up the sky for all our other holidays as well.”

“What I mean is: I'm not sure it's such a good idea to fiddle with ponies' emotions all willy-nilly like that.”

“In moderation, I'm sure it will be fine.” Cadance turned to walk out. She walked through the groove she'd cut through the piles of papers when she'd come in. It was as if the desert sands of suffering had parted to let her pass.

Before she left the room, Celestia called out to her, “And you're absolutely positive that nothing came of this?”

Cadance shrugged. “No more than I was when you first asked me that.”

“I still don't understand how it could even happen in the first place. I was sure to send both my note and the flier.”

“Oh, is that what happened? And to think, this whole mess could have been avoided if some pony had used a stapler.” With that, Cadance walked out.


***


Far from pony civilization, or any civilization for that matter, exists a small island out in the middle of the ocean which consists entirely of sharp rocks. 'Island' might not be the proper word for it really, since it's exposed in low tide and flooded in high tide. Indeed, there's nothing that can really grow or prosper there since the treacherous surf will uproot any plant that tries to grow there and exposure to air will suffocate any sea creature that tries to move in.

Despite that, there are some creatures that can still survive, but certainly nothing large or intelligent. With nothing of any use there, the place has remained completely untouched by pony kind. As it exists now, it's only a hazard to shippers, really.

And then they had sex.

The end.


Next Chapter:
Unnecessary Epilogue
Alternate Title: Sweetie Belle's Waffle Iron – The Revenge of the Hats