So in case you forgot, I'm back in Equestria with all of my weapons after Shrek gave me some h4x0rz on my guns. Now I'm busting a cap in the ass of every single pony I see. It's really quite fun. So far I've killed a blue one, a purple one, and a red and black one. The red and black one was screaming something about being super original, and it was pissing me off.
I've currently got one with crossed eyes and a grey coat in my nefarious vengeful clutches.
"Please sir, I have two kids, and no husband. Without me they're all alone." says the cross-eyed pony.
I smack her in the face and yell nonsense words to illustrate just how pissed off and insane I am.
"What's your name?" I ask.
"My name is Derpy Shanequa, I'm a loose-cannon cop who doesn't play by the rules."
"Well miss Shanequa, I'm in a bit of a rage-induced killing spree right now, but I'm willing to make a deal with you. If you accept it, I'll let you live."
She lets out a few sobs before accepting the deal.
"Alright, tell me about your youngest child. What's her name? What does she look like? What does she...unnn...smell...like." I sniff her ear as I say this.
"My little girl's name is Dinky. She's five years old, and she's just about the most adorable thing you could ever imagine."
"And the smell."
"She smells like...PB&J, it's her favorite."
I sniff the air,"mmmm, sounds delish."
Then I put the barrel of my gun right up against Derpy's head.
"I can't wait to pay her a visit, we're gonna have so much...fun...together."
"Wait," she whimpers,"You said you'd let me live if I took the deal!"
"I lied."
I pull the trigger, only to hear another click. Dammit, Shrek gave me unlimited ammo, but not bottomless clip? That jerk! Suddenly I feel a sharp pain in my loins. Derpy kicked me in the balls. I huddle over in pain as the pony I'm going to kill soon runs away.
A cold feeling rushes over me, and suddenly I'm pinned up against the wall. A cloud of blue smoke materializes in front of me, taking the shape of a pone, but bigger; with both wings and a horn.
"HOW DARE YOU HURT OUR LOYAL SUBJECTS?" she screams, getting all up in my grill.
"Okay lady, it's called deodorant, it's not expensive."
She pulls me away from the wall, only to slam me back into it.
"WE'RE GOING TO MELT YOUR BONES, AND USE THEM AS RANCH DRESSING!"
"Wow, are you sure you want ranch? It's very fattening, something that wouldn't benefit YOU at all."
"ART THOU CALLING US FAT?"
"I'm not calling you anything. I'm just implying that you could stand to lose a few pounds."
She tightens her magical grip, nearly crushing my rib cage before getting even closer to me.
"Listen here mysterious creature, you have one chance to make this right. Our sister Celestia has the power to revive the ponies you so viciously assaulted. Otherwise, we will kill you."
"Whatever bitch, I'll just respaw-" wait a second," I'll do whatever you need me to, retard pone."
She drops me, but holds up a magical spear. I shoot the bitch in the kneecaps. She immediately falls over.
"Ah! WE'LL FLAY YOU ALIVE!"
"K then, Imma save your sister now."
"What? Why did you shoot us then?"
I get close to her, and whisper in her ear.
"Because, I needed to teach you not to fuck with me. Anyway, I gotta go."
"But we haven't told you where they are."
"Well, what are you waiting for, bitch? Make with the exposition, our audience is bored."
She looks at me like I'm stupid before beginning.
"We believe she is being held in King Sombra's fortress near the Crystal Kingdom."
"And who the tampon is King Sombra?"
"He's a supervillain the likes of which we've never seen. We thought we had killed him after we blew him up, and scattered his pieces all over the world, but alas we were wrong. King Sombra is actually forty-six percent starfish, so when we blew him into a million pieces, we actually made an army of Sombra starfish."
I nod, telling her how stupid she is for not automatically assuming her opponent is a starfish.
"Well ugly pone, I'm gonna go rescue your sister."
"But we haven't told you where the Crystal Empire is."
"What are you, an idiot? I'll just google it,"
I hold down a button on my wrist pad, which was fixed when I respawned.
"Siri, give me directions to the Crystal Empire."
A map appears on my wrist screen, so I use my sexy legs to run in that direction. It's only three hundred miles, and luckily I'm not bringing anyone with me, so absolutely no hi-jinks will ensue. I'm all set for my journey alone.
"You know you could just take the train..."
I stop and turn to see Lyra looking at me with a smirk. She tells me that she's in love with me, and that she wants to come with me on my journey to defeat Sombra.
I kick her in the jaw and run towards the train station.
"Lol nope."