//------------------------------// // The case of the missing scrotum // Story: Sonichu and the Autism that Pierced the Heavens // by Good Christian Ethesto //------------------------------// Skin-scorpions, and thousands of them. They hounded Twilight, their needle-nosed-plier-like claws clacking madly as their many tiny legs cacophonously drummed against the pavement. Twilight's heart was beating faster than a racehorse-cheetah-hybrid, the muscular organ betraying her as her pursuers were able to hone in on the sound of pumping blood like a pack of scientifically-enhanced sharks. She could keep running forever, but the skin-scorpions would never give up. They had already gleaned a taste of her delectable life-fluid, and now hungered for more. One look at the horde's many beady eyes was all it took to see the bloodlust etched within their very souls. Twilight suddenly skid to a stop, the coarse tips of her tentacle-like legs supplying an ample amount of traction against the asphalt. The scorpions weren’t far behind, and would be upon her in moments, but she didn’t care. She had an epiphany while running: If they wanted her blood, why not give it to them? Before the marauding, fleshy arthropods could reach her and snip at her ankles, she turned around, rearing up on her back hooves, exposing her soft, rubbable tummy to them. Her six pony nipples were dry and caked with blood. Clearly she needed to take better care of them. She let out a huff as her tummy split open like a scrumptious banana and a geyser of scalding-hot blood and vital goo gushed out as though she held within her some kind of unholy supersoaker. The liquid rained down on the approaching scorpions, their pink and vulnerable flesh sizzling as the heated liquid made contact. The skin-scorpions screamed and moaned and begged, waving their claws to the heavens, but their gods had forsaken them. Their death cries filled the air as they melted down into a nutritious batter. After depleting her goo reserves, Twilight sank back to her normal, four-legged stance. Her nostrils flared as she smelled something yummy cooking. It smelled just like pancakes! She looked down to see that the scorpions were forming into a collective mass of pancakes. Twilight’s primary digestion-gland roiled in anticipation, prompting her to begin her dark feast. She leaned forward, vacuuming pancakes into her mouth as though they were naught but dust-bunnies. They tasted remarkably like a pillow. Her eyes shot open and she began coughing, a few stray feathers being ejected from her mouth before she finally got her breathing back under control. She looked around briefly, noting that her pillow was nowhere to be seen, and that she now had a plump, pony belly, making her look 8 months pregnant. She sighed to herself, instantly realizing her mistake. "SPIKE," she called out, "I ATE MY PILLOW AGAIN!" Thankfully, she has intestines of steel, or this would be a big health concern. After not getting a response from her dragon slave, she grumbled to herself as she flopped out of bed, finally noticing the smell of cooking pancakes. Spike was probably already up and making breakfast as is his duty. Her eyes were next drawn to the clock hanging on the wall a few meters away. Apparently it was already passed noon. It wasn't uncommon for her to sleep in considering her habit of staying up into the early hours of the morning. Her oversized eyes were next drawn to the bulbous lump that had taken residence in the guest bed. Christian laid there, still asleep despite her yelling, looking like a beached whale. She walked over and pressed one of her forelegs against him, the tip of her leg sinking into his fatty exterior and stirring him awake. He groaned and rolled over, clearly not wanting to do anything productive with his fleeting life. "What is it?" he mumbled with his idiot lips. "I'm making pancakes," said Twilight, taking full credit since Spike belongs to her. It took a lot more prodding, but eventually the promise of food was enough to get Chris off his fat ass. Before long, Sonichu, Chris, and Twilight sat around the kitchen table as Spike served them a veritable mountain of pancakes, topped with enough butter and syrup to give en elephant diabetes. Once food was served, Spike left the room. He wasn't allowed to dine on pony food. All Twilight allowed him to eat were colored rocks. Despite the pillow no doubt reeking havoc on her sensitive internal organs, Twilight was still starving, and she used her magic to shove pancake after pancake down her open throat tube. On the other side of the table, Chris was doing much the same, however he also had Sonichu hanging from his teat as he scrambled to fit as many pancakes into his mouth as possible. Many 'schlorching' sounds were made as the pair continued, and any observer would have likely vomited at the disgusting display and lack of manners. Before long all that was left at the table were three very sticky people. During their feast, Sonichu had had an 'accident', and now lay coated in Chris' viscous, almost glue-like milk. "I'm all sticky daddy," commented Sonichu innocently. Chris was just glad it wasn't semen this time. "Maybe next time you'll be a little more careful. My milk isn't free, you know? It takes a lot of work to get it just right," boasted Chris like the massive faggot that he is and always will be. Meanwhile, Twilight rubbed her face with her fore hooves, noting that she was, as Applejack would say, "stickier than a catfish in a tar pit". Applejack says a lot of stupid things. Unfortunately, despite being one of the most powerful unicorns in Equestria, she didn't have a spell to get syrup out of hair. She doubted that such a powerful and useful spell even existed. Just goes to show you, not all problems can be solved by magic (I'm looking at you every fanfic writer... What's up with Twilight or Celestia with their deus ex bullshit magic solving all problems like it's nothing? You all make me sick.). No, the only way she was getting all this syrup out of her fur was with a bath and some shampoo. Maybe even a cameo with her squeaky, yellow ducky because that'd be really cute. She was about to get up and get right on that when she remembered her guests who were equally sticky. "Do you guys want to use the bath to get cleaned up?" she asked. Chris looked at her as though insulted. "I have a pleasant musk. Besides, I don't like to take a bath every day because it's a waste of water." In truth, Chris hadn't properly bathed in weeks, but he considered his brief dip in the lake the day prior a good enough bath. Twilight could have easily argued the point, but she was more focused on her desire to get clean at the moment. Having sticky fur was pretty unpleasant. She hopped up off of her stool, landing on the hardwood floor with a 'clop'. She only made it halfway out of the room before she felt a chill. An involuntary shiver ran up her body as she noted an uncomfortable breeze. "Spike, did you leave the window open? It's cold in here." Spike, who was eating colored rocks from his bowl in the other room, looked up and shook his head. "It doesn't feel any colder to me." "Strange," she noted, looking around to confirm that no windows were open. Chris, wondering what she was going on about, turned from his chair. His eyes instantly fell on something strange below her rump. "Hey, what's that?" he asked, pointing at her backside. Twilight twisted her long neck around, taking a look to see what he was talking about when her eyes widened in surprise and horror. Her testicles hung down limp behind her like a pair of fuzzy-mirror-dice, completely naked and exposed without a scrotum to cradle them. Her mouth fell open and she yammered incoherently as her mind tried to process what it was seeing. Eventually, her pupils shrunk to pinpricks as she slowly came to terms with what she was seeing. "MY SCROTUM IS MISSING!" -- It had been three years since The Onioning, and the sunion- two words cleverly combined to describe an onion sun- floated carelessly over Equestria as it had every day since. Celestio's retinas narrowed as she watched the glowing fruit travel on its orbital pattern across the sky. It may not have done anything harmful yet, but she knew better than to trust it. She continued to watch it suspiciously as it traveled through the heavens at a snail's pace. She would have watched it for the remainder of the day, had she not been interrupted by one of her many palace guard-slaves. The clippity-clop of his shoe-covered hooves on the marble floor was impossible to ignore as he walked in through the doorway and stood idly, waiting for her to address him. She sighed, still keeping her eyes on the onion star, before speaking. "I trust this is important. You know I don't like to be disturbed during my daily-sunion-loathing hours." "Of course, your highness," the guard replied. "A letter arrived from your former student, Princess Twilight Sparkle." "Bring it here," she said simply, her brow furrowing as the sunion flickered ominously. The guard-slave walked up, placing the rolled-up letter in her telekinetic field before exiting the room. Celestio glared at the sunion, silently daring it to even try anything, before she briefly looked away to scan through the letter as quickly as possible. She instantly noticed that something was different about this one. Normally these letters were about friendship and magic and other such garbage, but today the news was dire. Apparently, deep in the night someone had snuck into Twilight's tree home and stolen her scrotum right out from under her very nose. Celestio's mouth fell open in shock and she dropped the letter to the floor. "No, it can't be..." she said in denial. "I dealt with them a thousand years ago. They can't possibly be back!" Unfortunately, as she played the information through her head over and over again, it became clear that there was only one obvious answer: the scroachers were back! Will Twilight find her missing scrotum? Is this story going to get progressively weirder as it goes on? Will Chris ever tell Twilight that he's pregnant? Find out next time on Sonichu and the Autism that Pierced the Heavens!