//------------------------------// // Sharky Bears // Story: Cauldron Club // by Biplane //------------------------------// "So that's the rundown: the fires are being caused by what seems to be Carrot Top, an earth pony who took a unicorn mimicry potion that is way stronger than should be possible; the train to Canterlot is a runaway and in severe danger of overheating and exploding; Trixie has taken some kind of want-it-need-it spell infusion potion, and Zecora, the mayor, the fire brigade, and a number of animals have fallen under it; Spike is a giant dragon again; Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie seem to believe they're ninjas; and, of course, the bear-sharks. I have no idea what combination of potions and/or errors made during the making of the potions caused the various effects, but I do believe most of these incidents to be potion-related. I don't know yet what will work for antidotes," Twilight finished her flashback slash explanation to the Princesses and Discord. "Thou've no idea which potions were used? And no idea what to use to counter the effects? That is... not particularly informative, Twilight Sparkle," Luna said. Twilight shrugged. "Well, Ah ain't just gonna sit around waitin' for this all to blow over, Twi'," Applejack said. "Ah know ya said y'all didn't need our help, but Ah reckon this'll all go much quicker if we all split up and each tackle a different parta this mess." Twilight shrugged. "Right. Well, Ah reckon me 'n' Big Mac can wrangle those sharky bears for y'all. That's a start at least." Big Mac's eyebrows raised. This was the big red stallion's equivalent of screaming, "Wait a minute, what!? Are you insane?! Did you count those teeth?!! Sigh... fine." What he actually said was, "Eeyup." Celestia turned to Applejack, "Very well. It's a good plan, my little pony, but you will need a way to restore them once you've caught them," here Celestia paused and put her hoof to her chin in a most exaggerated display of intense thought, "Now, who do we know who has experience with mutated animals...?" Celestia turned a not-so-subtle eye towards Discord. Discord had of course missed the exchange, as he had been paying very little attention. He'd summoned a chair, some popcorn, and a pair of red and blue 3D glasses out of thin air, and had settled in to enjoy the show, munching obnoxiously loudly on the far-too-buttered-to-be-healthy popcorn. Celestia rolled her eyes (though thousands of years of practice still left her technique lagging behind the CMC), "Discord!" she shouted. An annoyed Discord turned towards her, putting his finger to his lips and making a shushing sound before turning back to watch the chaos once more. Over the millenia, poets had used many words to describe the great Princess Celestia, Goddess of the Sun, and Benevolent Ruler of Equestria. Regal. Patient. Wise. Motherly. Comforting. If they had seen the Celestia that stepped up behind Discord on this particular firelit evening, they probably would have thrown away their quills. Her eye twitching, her hoof grinding a ditch in the ground, her wings flared, and her teeth gritted, a very, very tired Princess Celestia addressed Discord, the Lord of Chaos, in a sweet whisper, her voice perfectly even, "Discord. Have you ever had a sunburn? Because I swear to... well... me, that if you do not assist Applejack and Big Macintosh with the bears that have turned into sharks," Celestia did not seem to be aware that the volume of her sweet whisper was steadily increasing with each word, "Then I will personally redefine the word 'sunburn' for you! Did you know the sun burns at over 5,000 degrees Kelvin?! Ha ha! What an amusing and hopefully irrelevant fact!" Celestia was shouting by the time she finished. She did not stop smiling once. Her eye did not stop twitching. Discord, however, did stop eating popcorn. He got up, and chair, popcorn, and 3D glasses vanished. "Oh, very well!" he said, sounding slightly put out. How melodramatic these ponies could be sometimes! "Bring them to me, Applesnack, and I'll fix them." Applejack glared at him, plainly pleased neither with having to work with him, nor with his "clever" nickname. But she nodded. Time to get somethin' done. "Thank you, Discord, and you as well, Applejack and Big Macintosh," Celestia said, her regal facade restored. "I wish you luck. Now, Luna, Twilight, what shall we do?" "Sister, I think it would be best if you resolved the situation with the want-it, need-it potion, since you have done so in the past," Luna suggested. "I should return to Canterlot, to see what damage has been done by the train and, if necessary, assemble a disaster relief team for Ponyville. Twilight's unique knowledge of magic makes her the best equipped to deal with the earth pony that has become the unicorn, and her relationship with Spike also makes her the best choice to deal with him," That Luna's a smart cookie, I tell you what. On any other day, she might even notice the alligator suctioned to her head. "Very well, Luna," Celestia said, her voice still just slightly hoarse, "Your plan is a good one!" . . . "Thank you, Discord, and you as well, Applejack and Big Macintosh," Celestia said, her regal facade restored. "I wish you luck. Now, Luna, Twilight, what shall we do?" Applejack returned to the Cutie Mark Crusaders, who were sitting in the tall grass next to the sleeping forms of Granny Smith and Berry Punch, who seemed to be competing for the loudest snores. "How can we help, sis?" Apple Bloom asked, hopping up to her little hooves ready for action. "Cutie Mark Crusaders bear-shark wranglers, yay!" Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo said in unison. "NO," AJ said, with definite finality. "Aww," the three fillies said. "Look, you three just stay here. Ah don't want y'all gettin' into any kinda trouble, alright? I don't want to hear about no... I dunno... 'Cutie Mark Crusaders firefighters, yay!' or any other crazy thing like that, alright?" Applejack has obviously made a grave error here. It's frankly amazing that she has failed to see it, and more amazing still that she missed the insane gleam in the eyes of the fillies when the words "Cutie Mark Crusaders firefighters, yay!" were uttered. "Alright, sis," said Apple Bloom sweetly, smiling innocently. "Good. Alright, Big Mac, ya ready?" Applejack said. "Eeyup." "Ready, Discord?" Applejack said with a bit less enthusiasm. "Sheeoot! Ah reckon ah aim! Lit's git alaong, doggies, we got us some hawgtie-in' ta do, y'all!" said Discord, now clad in giant white cowboy hat, chaps, spurs, and vest. He had an enormous lasso on his hip. Applejack did not roll her eyes. That was her sister's area of expertise. She just glared. And at this, I assure you, she excelled. . . . "Grrt rrne!" Applejack shouted through clenched teeth, biting down hard on her lasso rope. The other end of the rope had found its way into the sharky mouth of what had once been a much more normal and much less bloodthirsty bear. This particular bear-shark began running as soon as it was roped. AJ barely had time to think, Uh oh! before the rope went taut and she went flying. Trailing like a kite behind the insane abomination of nature, Applejack struggled to get her hooves to find purchase on the cobbled street passing below her. First, her right hind hoof made contact, bouncing harmlessly and ineffectually off the rocky surface. Then, her left hind hoof made a go of it, with similar results. The her right hoof came down again, and she almost managed to keep it on the ground this time. Finally, she was able to get both of her hind hooves on the ground at the same time, and wrapping her way up the rope forehoof over forehoof, she dug her hind hooves into the ground as best she could and leaned back with all of her strength. The result was awesome. Particularly in slow-motion. Which, because of the magic of words, we now get to experience in glorious detail. The bear-shark’s legs kept going, but it’s sharky head did not. The growling, flopping shark gnashed and twitched as the bear legs kicked out from underneath it. It gnawed on the rope as the legs rose, up and now over the hideous fishy head. The shark head found itself looking upside-down at the street, as the bear-shark’s body continued to flip, and started to rotate mid-flip. As the legs came back down on the other side, the bear-shark twisted mid-air, turning the face towards the sky. The sharky eyes widened perceptibly in surprise at this point as the body began its second flip, bringing the face up, over, and down… SMASH. Yet more shark teeth went flying this night as the sharky bear slammed shark-face-first into the street. The shark tail and the left hind bear paw each twitched once, but then the creature was motionless. Applejack grinned. It would take some kind of miracle to ruin this awesome moment. “HOOOOOOOOEEEEEEE! That’s sum naaaaaaaaaice wranglin’ pardner! SHEEOOT!” yelled Discord from immediately behind her. She cringed, and shuddered involuntarily. Or Discord. That would do it too. “Whut would happen if Ah force-fed you poison joke?” Applejack growled. Discord, put a claw to his chin and pondered the question “seriously” for a moment, his ridiculously large white cowboy hat askew. “Hmm. I can certainly appreciate the sentiment. There would be a certain amount of chaos in that event, no doubt. Whut would happen if Ah force-fed you oranges?” he countered, mimicing Applejack’s voice with disturbing perfection on the last sentence. Applejack elected to skip the dialogue this time and skipped straight to the growling. The door to the Ponyville Bistro exploded, and a bear-shark lunged out, with Big MacIntosh clinging desperately to its back, attached to the monster via headlock. Big Mac's eyes were wide, his pupils tiny, and his mouth set in a frown. The shark-tail slapped him repeatedly in his face and the beast struggled this way and that to dislodge the stallion, but his grip held customarily strong. “eeeEEEEENOOOOooooope,” Big Mac said, as the beast struggled to the right. “eeeeEEEEENOOooooope,” he said, as they ran back to the left. Heh. Doppler Effect. "Hang on, Big Mac!" Applejack called out. "Ah got an idea!" and she ran off, grabbing her rope in her mouth. "Can I just... can I just take a moment to appreciate this? I don't usually get so emotional, but it's just so... beautiful!" Discord wiped a tear from his eye as Big Mac glared back at him from his new mount. "Bear-sharks..." Discord continued, ignoring the taciturn pony's glower, "That's brilliant! I would have never thought of that! Oh, I'm having a wonderful evening!" The shark-tail gave Big Mac a good slap in the face, and Discord burst out laughing. After about a solid minute of laughter, Applejack interrupted Discord's fun, as only Applejack can: around the corner of the bistro building charged a bear-shark, this one with a distinctive hammerhead. Clenched in its teeth was Applejack's trusty rope, which was wrapped at either end around Applejack's forehooves like reins. AJ's hind hooves were pressed into the bear-shark's bear back, allowing her to see over the shark. Steering her beast towards Mac's, she whipped her tail against its backside, and it picked up speed. No longer of a mind to care if Discord mocked her speaking habits (because after all, she was riding a bear-shark; everything was awesome right then), AJ let out a heartfelt, raucous "YEEEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAAAAA!" and grabbed her hat in her hoof, holding it to the sky. Applejack's bear-shark slammed into Mac's with thunderous force, full on shark-face-to-shark-face, and launched both ponies several feet clear. The monsters slumped instantly to the ground, while the ponies tumbled and rolled some bruising distance before coming to rest. Somewhere between the impact and the tumbling, Applejack's hat came off and she lost her trademark hair-tie. Getting slowly to her feet, spitting out a tooth, and placing her dislodged hat firmly back on her head of now-loose hair, Applejack looked at her handiwork. She felt every bruise, and her mouth tasted like iron, but the bear-sharks looked a fair bit worse. Grinning widely, and revealing the hole where her tooth had once been, Applejack's only comment was, "Buck yeah." Discord's mouth was agape. . . . It took a simple three snaps of Discord’s fingers to restore the three bear-sharks to mere bears. Applejack recognized the formerly hammerheaded bear as Poncy, Fluttershy’s friend. One of the other two bears bared his now-mostly-missing teeth and pointed, frowning. Applejack responded by baring her own teeth and pointing, smiling. Twilight could probably fix all the teeth later. Celestia knows Applejack was not going to ask Discord to do it. Big Mac stumbled over to them. He had a black eye, and was just as covered with bruises and scrapes as Applejack was. “You hit me with a bear,” he said to Applejack, frowning. “Oh, hush up, ya big crybaby,” Applejack said, rolling her eyes. Big Mac blinked. “You hit me with a bear.” he said again, simply. “My, but you are uncharacteristically talkative tonight,” Discord observed. Shaking his head, Big Mac decided to ignore Applejack and Discord and get down to brass tacks. “How many more?” he asked the bears. Poncy held up two claws weakly. “Twilight said there was one already knocked out and trussed up at the train station,” Applejack reminded Big Mac. Poncy amended his count, holding up one claw, holding his head with his other paw. These bears had had a rough night. . . . Three down (well, four, technically), one to go! The brother and sister team charged through Ponyville, searching for their final target. Well, Applejack charged. Big Mac kind of limped along. And Discord just kind of lounged on a balloon shaped like a potato, tied by string to Big Mac’s tail (which, knowing Discord, was no doubt a real giant potato inexplicably given flight… that tasted like an orange). Ah, but this final creature was elusive! Where could he be hiding? “WHERE IN THA HAY ARE YOU HIDIN’?!” roared Applejack, fire in her eyes as she scanned the streets for signs of her prey. Discord snapped his fingers. Applejack turned into a goat. “WHY-Y-Y-Y-Y DIDJA DO THA-A-A-A-AT?!” meh-eh-eh’d Applejack the orange goat. Discord shrugged, “Was bored.” Big Mac was torn between a desire to absolutely let loose with a full-bodied laugh for ten solid minutes, and a desire to buck Discord in his face until he put his sister back to normal. On the one hoof… she hit him with a bear. On the other hoof… he was Discord. Ultimately, he decided to raise an eyebrow. And remember this. Oh yes. He would remember this. “FI-I-I-I-IX IT! NA-A-O-O-O-W!” Applejack said, stomping her goaty hoof, her tiny adorable chin-beard swaying indignantly. Discord sighed. “The precious moments never last,” he said wistfully, snapping his fingers and re-pony-fying the farmpony. Then a flying bear-shark smacked into him. . . . Wait, what?