//------------------------------// // Chapter 1 // Story: Hearts and Hooves Day Hurts // by totallynotabrony //------------------------------// Hearts and Hooves Day Hurts Spring was in the air, not a cloud was in sight, and the streets bustled with happy activity. Ponies moved to and fro in smiling pairs, side by side in the shining sun of morning. Songbirds flitted about in the skies above, weaving around pairs of pegasi and adding their chirping voices to the already glorious day. Through it all, one pony trotted alone down the street. A stallion yelped as he was roughly shouldered aside by the scowling lavender mare. Before he could even begin to be affronted, the mare had already disappeared back into the crowd. He shrugged and turned back to his special somepony before him, his smile already back in place. Cheerilee kept moving. The happy ponies all around were beginning to get on her nerves. That stallion she’d bumped hadn’t done anything to deserve such rough treatment, but Cheerilee maintained the excuse that he had been in her way. In reality, she was just in a bad mood. Most ponies were out and about with their significant others, wide smiles on their faces. A few were sequestered away in their homes, staving off lonely sadness by themselves. Cheerilee was neither of these; she was just angry. For decades now, something about this time of year had rubbed her the wrong way. Now it had gotten to the point where the sickening, dopey grins of the crowds around her just made her want to go out to the woods and chase down rabbits until their little hearts exploded. Suffice to say, Cheerilee was having a bad day. She trudged through the hoards of sappy sweetness, luckily able to contain her temper without blowing up at anypony. She had developed masterful control of her emotions over the years, but Hearts and Hooves Day always strained her to the limit. Fortunately for Cheerilee, and perhaps far more fortunate for the ponies around her, she arrived at her apartment before too long and went inside. The place was sparsely furnished and contained few personal touches. Cheerilee rarely had guests visit her, and even fewer close friends. Cheerilee closed the apartment door and made her way to the bedroom. There, she removed the dress and colored contacts she wore, shedding her disguise. She’d been working all night, and the bloodstains of the task had taken hours to clean off. She never wore a disguise to school, of course. Working as a teacher was still an excellent cover for the grim toil of her night job. That didn’t mean her nocturnal service took precedence, however. Despite how Cheerilee’s life had changed so much over the years and decades, her special talent was still in education. Hearts and Hooves Day had fallen on a weekend this year, and for that Cheerilee was glad. The foals always got a kick out of the event, but Cheerilee always felt cold and alone with no special somepony of her own. She always hated for her students to see her that way. This year, she was planning on staying home and distancing herself from the cheerful public. However, as Cheerilee finished disrobing she heard a chime in a frequency that was undetectable to most ponies. She picked up a small mirror from on top her dresser. Reflected in the glass was not her own face, but Princess Luna’s. The sudden appearance of an alicorn face to face with them would be enough to startle most ponies out of their skins, and cause them to quickly bow in deference, but to Cheerilee it meant something much simpler. She had a new task ahead of her. “Good morning, Princess,” Cheerilee spoke to the mirror. The enchantment on it functioned at least as well as an electronic video conference. It was a secure and inconspicuous way to communicate. Luna nodded in greeting, her eyes looking a bit tired after being awake all night. “Hello Cheerilee. A situation has come up that I think you are most qualified to handle.” Cheerilee very nearly smiled with pleasure. A little work would take her mind off of this most hated of holidays, and was certainly a lot better way to pass the time than sitting in an empty apartment and brooding. For once, Hearts and Hooves day was looking up. That left the question of what the Princess wanted, however. Cheerilee had experience in a wide variety of tasks, and was probably Luna’s most qualified agent for many of them. Still, if there was a minor problem that could be handled by somepony else, Luna probably would have sent them instead. You don’t use a grenade on a housefly, and you don’t send an experienced vampire to make petty arrests. “Try not to look too excited, Cheerilee.” Luna smiled. Decades of working together had allowed her to read Cheerilee's mannerisms like a book, and the Princess knew just how much her agent would relish the chance to get out and work on this particular day. Luna’s expression turned more serious, getting down to business. “Something strange appears to be happening to the residents of Ponyville. They are... rather more taken with Hearts and Hooves Day than usual.” Cheerilee blinked. “No offense, Princess, but this doesn’t exactly seem like something you would need me for. What’s the catch? Is everypony suddenly more in love with each other than normal?” Luna nodded. “Yes, actually. We think it’s something in the water.” “I suppose that does make a difference,” Cheerilee mused. She had no need for sustenance other than blood, and therefore should be unaffected by a contaminant in the town’s water supply. “It’s partly because you wouldn’t be affected,” said Luna, almost as if reading Cheerilee’s mind. The Princess’ tone shifted. “More importantly, your policy of celibacy should keep you out of trouble in a town run amok by love.” If her blood still flowed naturally, Cheerilee’s face would have flushed bright red. “Uh, just because I haven’t...” “Calm down, that’s not what I meant.” Luna appeared to be hiding a smile. “I merely didn’t want to send an agent that would... interact with any of the citizens until we know what is causing this.” Cheerilee nodded and allowed a bit of a smile to show on her face. In the years she’d worked for Luna, the two of them had established something more than a business relationship. Cheerilee looked up to the Princess of the Night as a mentor, but more importantly, she saw Luna as a friend. That allowed a great deal of both personal conversation and good-natured ribbing. Both of them knew quite well how immortality could be very lonely. “So, Ponyville,” Cheerilee said, steering the conversation back to her assignment. “It’s been a while since I’ve visited.” Cheerilee hadn’t lived in her hometown for more than a century. Anypony she had known there was long gone. Still, it was only a few hours’ distance by highway. She could begin her assignment that day. As if sensing her urgency, Luna said, “The information we’ve collected will be sent to you.” Simultaneously, Cheerilee’s cell phone beeped. Even a few decades ago, such a thing would have been impossible. Cheerilee had grown up in the age of steam, and here she was living among computers and personal electronics. Cheerilee nodded. “I’ll get started.” Luna said goodbye and the mirror returned to its former silvery reflection. Cheerilee put it down and moved to her closet. Inside, hidden behind clothing and a clever bit of false paneling was an array of instruments vital to her job. Some tools were useful for chemical testing, picking locks, or other covert tasks. Some were simply weapons. A finely crafted sword was the centerpiece of the collection. While Cheerilee was an earth pony with no telekinesis to wield it, over the years her hooves had gained literally supernatural dexterity. Learning to fight while standing on two legs had taken some doing, but with enough practice she had eventually become quite proficient at it. However, there was nothing to indicate that any weapons were necessary. Princess Luna was apparently not expecting Cheerilee to have to fight anypony. Although, if it came to that she was more than capable of handling things while unarmed. Cheerilee picked up a bag with a few vials and reagents. If there were something in the water of Ponyville causing increased lust, there were a few possibilities as to what it could be. Cheerilee had read all sorts of books during her many years in various classrooms, and possessed a wealth of knowledge on many subjects, including potions and potioncraft. She rifled through a few cards and documents, selecting her identity for this trip. Something that would not inspire single ponies to seek her out, preferably. An older appearance might work, but that left the possibility of drawing the eye of more mature stallions. Instead, she picked out an old favorite, Countess de la Cheer, a persona that was guaranteed to be out of the league of most residents of Ponyville. Completing the look was simple. After restyling her mane, Cheerilee put on an expensive dress just barely long enough to conceal her cutie mark in case of the unlikely event that somepony in town actually knew it. Some gaudy and clearly expensive jewelry accented it, along with a pair of sunglasses that cost more than some ponies made in a month. The crowning piece was the attitude. Countess de la Cheer was an important, wealthy pony and knew it. A slight sneer slid into place on her lips as she checked the mirror and grabbed the rest of the things she would be taking. Disguises came easily to Cheerilee, as she essentially wore one every time she went out in public. It actually took effort to maintain the appearance of a normal pony. Cheerilee was the next best thing to a corpse, and if she didn’t remember to breathe and affect a heartbeat, ponies might notice. The books and movies about vampires had never really gotten things right. Her reflection in a mirror, for example, was just as visible as any other pony’s. She was also not an impossibly beautiful creature inside and out. Instead, her condition made her more of a monster than a mare. The shell she wore to contain it, Cheerilee had learned, was thinner than she’d like to admit. Cheerilee had not yet given up on her identity as a pony, but she had begun to wonder if branding herself as something else would be more accurate. Often she caught her mind wondering just how long it would be until there was no equine left in her at all. So many years had passed since she’d allowed herself any casual contact with anypony outside of business. All these thoughts scattered about her head as she turned away from her equipment closet, making sure to close and conceal it again before leaving the room. Cheerilee went out the front door, descending to the parking garage beneath the apartment. Her schoolteacher sedan was parked in its usual place. Across the way was a red sports car that would have cost several years’ worth of her school salary. Of course, she hadn’t paid for it with that job at all. The government expense account Luna had granted her helped with some things like that, but mostly Cheerilee drew income from long term investments. There were certainly some perks to immortality, she had to admit. The car smelled new because it was. Cheerilee got in and started the engine, the rumbling exhaust making clear that it was a very powerful automobile. She adjusted her sunglasses and pulled out of the garage, pointing the car down the road towards Ponyville and peeling out as she made for the horizon and the little town that lay beyond it. With superior reflexes and situational awareness, Cheerilee had no qualms about driving well above the speed limit. It was practically required by her haughty current disguise, anyway. In addition, the faster she made the trip, the faster she could get started on getting to the bottom of the love crisis in Ponyville. At that speed, she arrived in only an hour or two. Modern cars and roads still managed to impress Cheerilee from time to time, having grown up traveling on a train that would have taken all day to make the same trip. Pulling into town, Cheerilee was struck by just how much everything had changed over the years. Very few of the original buildings remained. They had been mostly made of wood and thatch anyway, not exactly a design to stand the test of time. The street layout had remained roughly the same. Cheerilee drove around the fountain circle near the town hall. She passed the old site of the town’s best bakery when she lived there. Cheerilee remembered that it had been an almost impossibly accurate imitation of a gingerbread house called Sugar... something. The site now played host to a six-story block of slate gray condominiums. She wasn’t sure why it struck her to see the brightly coloured and whimsical building replaced by utilitarian rectangles. It really shouldn’t have come as much of a surprise, given just how long she lived, but that didn’t mean she had to like it. There were other things to dislike that took Cheerilee’s mind off the buildings. Everywhere, couples walked the streets together, somehow even more lovestruck with each other than was normal on Hearts and Hooves day. They didn’t even look up when the exotic and expensive car rolled by, still staring into each other’s eyes with big dopey grins like a bunch of pubescent colts and fillies overcome with hormones. Cheerilee shook her head. No, it was worse than that. At least teenagers tried to hide it. She drove slowly, looking around for somewhere to begin her investigation. If Princess Luna was correct, the municipal water supply might be contaminated. However, she couldn’t show up there looking like this. In fact, if she was going to be snooping around the water tower and associated equipment it would be best if nopony knew she was there at all. It was time for a little stealth, but first she’d need somewhere to stash the car. A nearby parking garage, built on the site of Ponyville’s historic library, was available. Cheerilee pulled in and found a space. She heard what sounded like a farm truck enter the garage after her and come to a stop somewhere nearby. Getting out of her car, Cheerilee heard hooves coming in her direction, presumably from the driver of the truck. She put on an annoyed look that was partly for the sake of her disguise and partly real. Regardless of who they might be, Cheerilee didn’t want to meet up with anypony if she could help it. A red-colored earth pony, large in every dimension, strode into view. His mane was dusky orange and he wore unshorn fetlocks. It took Cheerilee several seconds to process what she was seeing, remember who he reminded her of, and marvel at the uncanny resemblance. A slight breeze blew through the garage, carrying the stallion’s scent to her. The visual resemblance might have been one thing, but Cheerilee’s nose didn’t lie. This was exactly the same stallion that she remembered from so many years ago. There were few things that surprised Cheerilee anymore. She had fought everything from zombies to manticores, uncovered conspiracies that had the potential to topple the government, and had survived dozens of assassination attempts. Meeting this stallion, seeing his distinctive profile, smelling his unique essence, it astonished her so much that she literally forgot to breathe. The red stallion glanced at her, catching her staring. He paused and took a step in her direction, his heartbeat picking up slightly and curiosity plain on his face. Cheerilee swallowed hard and asked, “Are you Big Macintosh?” The stallion nodded slowly. “Eeyup.”