Meet the Demoman
’The heck? “The Bar”? This doesn’t look like a bar at all!’ I complained to myself. It took me at least half an hour to find the place because I was told he often worked in “The Bar” and I had ignored this place because the front window was filled with instant noodles, bread rolls, cheap plastic toys, and other knick knacks.
The interviewer unhappily stomped into the store.
“What makes me a good Demoman?” The mismatched creature was sitting on a stool, stroking his chin. “I’m not sure. I like big booms. That’s pretty much it.” He shrugged. “They just asked me if I want a job that actually entails screwing around with everything as long as I follow certain orders, so I ... believe I accepted right away. Kinda fuzzy around there.” He grabbed a can of chocolate milk from under the counter and drank from it. “But hey, its a relaxing job, organized chaos. Not exactly my type of lunch, but at least I don’t get Rainbow’ed."
Discord sat in a darkened room, silently nursing a glass bottle. A star filled mane wavered beside him. “Can I have some water?” she asked. Discord grunted slightly woozily and handed over the bottle. After a moment: “Thanks,” the bottle floating back in a light blue haze.
“Ugh,” he grumbled to himself. “All this non-chaos is making me itchy.” He pulled a grenade launcher from hammerspace and popped the chambers open. Two of the chambers were noticeably cleaner and less worn. He pulled out a grey grenade and drank from it, dumping sprinkles and silicon chips out of it.
The runes in the corner glowed and blinked in a pattern. “Ah. Finally.” He wiped some bits off his face, which sparked as they fell through the air like miniature comets, and stepped onto the runes. He flipped the grenade launcher shut. “Let’s do it,” he said tiredly.
He reappeared with a flash of light besides the roar of a heavy minigun. He took a look at the chaos around him. A tiny grin slowly worked its way across his jaw as energy ran through his veins. ‘Finally.’ With a quick flap of his wings he shot up into the air.
“I guess another one of my good traits is my chaos abilities, which I carry on my person and use them in places where it seems fit,” Discord said, drinking from a grenade. “The shrinks at this place are still wary of any large scale effects, so they put bracelets to contain much of it.” He fingered wrist gauntlets on his forearms. The section closest to his wrists vaguely looks like handcuffs. “Sometimes, I just really want to....” He paused, dazed, then turned around back at the interviewer with an odd grin. “And then Kablooie!” he shouted, raising his limbs as a small shower of miniature gunpowder fireworks went off around the startled pony.
Discord hovered high above the building, warm with his black wooly cap. “Another wave? Let’s see how you fare with a bit of natural chaos tossed into the mix.” He rolled a round, purple-blue, legless bird into his palm and a large slingshot with the other. “Have a Joak.” *Fwump*. The bundle of avianfied Poison Joak cawed in fury and exploded within the mass of soldiers.
Discord landed on the roof. With the slingshot, he imbedded several C batteries into the surface in a circle. He then stepped back and flipped open his grenade launcher. He spat chocolate milk into one of the chambers then snapped it closed. “Boom.” Crystalline brown particles shot out the end of the launcher and detonated the circle of batteries.
Springs rolled between two confuddled guards. Suddenly, their legs grew at a rapid pace and smashed their craniums against the roof. Discord peeked his head in from the doorway. “Ouch.” He dragged his body into the room and looked at the banks of servers. “Ah, here we are.” He opened the chambers of the grenade launcher and dumped the remaining three shells out. A banana, some pink paint, and a tomato bounced across the floor. They were replaced with a bat skull.
*Fwump* went the bat skull.
Discord held up a claw. A single sheet of paper appeared in it. He examined the first page, then flipped to the back. “Mm hmm, second.” He flipped it counter clockwise again to read the third page. Satisfied, he stashed it within the second empty chamber.
He raised a claw and shoved it into a random USB port. “Purple spiral stairs, plane train chairs,” he sang. The machines shuddered as CPU power was diverted into sending out random broadcasts. “Ha ha, have some Love Letters, kids!” He pulled out his finger and licked it. He chuckled. “Mm hm-!”
Discord clenched his teeth as a stab of pain went through his stomach, forcing him to his knees. He hastily retrieved the emergency grenade from his launcher and ate it entirely. The yellow in his eyes receded somewhat. He slowly pushed himself up, leaning against the wall as he caught his breath. His eyes turned glassy for a moment, but he shook it off and quickly picked up where he left off, dropping several decks of cards, numerous dice, jelly beans, cheese slices, sawdust, and rubber balls into the chambers. He slapped the edge of the chambers, sending them spinning wildly. He held it with both hands and observed it.
He grinned. Someone was yelling out orders below. He held the grenade launcher like a pistol in front of him. “Instead of orders, how about chaos instead, capitan?” he called, grinning viciously, pulsing piss yellow eyes gleaming from the darkness.