//------------------------------// // New Plan: Let's Just Have a Few Drinks // Story: Dude, What the FFFF!! // by Vallis //------------------------------// POV: Me "Chris, go flank them, we don't have much time!" Shouted the bald man with the eyepatch. I nodded, acknowledging his command, and ran as fast as I could with my semi-automatic rifle in my hands. Flashes of yellow and pink filled the sky from detonated bombs that were miles away, the shock waves taking about 10 seconds give or take to arrive in large claps of ground shaking terror. I came to a dead end, and looked over the edge of the road. "A cliff right into the water. Fucking cliché!" I growled. Conveniently, I looked far down enough to spot a jetski. Odd, but I'm not arguing. "Oh, cool I guess." I shrugged, jumped off the edge, and landed onto the sand by the shore with a ground shaking thud. 'Wait, how did I do that?' I stood for a second before continuing. "...I didn't see this beach from above." I questioned even further with a quizzical expression. The floor began to shake violently, causing my train of thought to leave. I lost balance and stumbled horribly around, worse than a drunk man on a tightrope. I gave up and fell onto my ass, the sand flying in all directions. Suddenly, the ground felt like it began to gradually shift towards the ocean. The sand began to trickle towards the ocean as if a magnet were picking up metallic shavings. I got up as quick as possible, and began to run towards the opposite direction of the random gravity change. It was too late though, and the ground felt like it was at an incline of about 40 or more degrees. "Shit!!" I shouted as I began to stumble backwards, going into a full blown tumble down the beach. 'FUCK FUCK FUCK!!' I grunted in between breaths. I luckily stopped tumbling, and got enough grip on the sand to slow down into a slide down the beach. The incline felt as if it were well above 60 now. Nothing to do about it now. I simply watched as the water approached me on my slide down the beach. Suddenly, the ground felt as if it jolted into a complete 90 degree stand, and put me into a free fall towards the ocean. "DUDE WHAT THE FU-" SHIT!! Oh, fuck. That was a dream. Why do I feel like I'm hanging off the edge of the bed- "OH CRAP FU-!" I couldn't finish what I said, slamming into the ground headfirst. It gave a sick 'thud' as the floor vibrated hard enough to shake the lamp, loose coins, and keys on my computer desk. I rolled off towards the wall, clutching the very top of my head in pain. I grunted loudly, wide awake now. "NNNNNNGGGGHHHHHHH!!! FFFFFFFFSHIT!!!" What a way to wake up. Sad to say that it's not the first time it's happened either. Every bed I've had before my current one has always been pretty low to the ground, so whenever I slipped off my bed I would usually wake up with half my body on the ground, other on the bed. Since this one is practically waist height though, it's a free fall to the ground. I think this is the 3rd time now? Wait! Let me check. Now's a good time to mention that I don't necessarily have an anger issue, but it's more like of a rubber band being stretched slowly. I actually have alot patience, but when I run out, I snap. I'm talking like, some Hulk-grade shit. It takes a lot to piss me off to that point though, but since I just woke up feeling like ass, fuck patience. I smashed the wall with my elbow, clearly in a shitty mood. I took a quick glimpse, and counted the amount of holes in the wall there were now. "3 strikes, you're out, you PIECE OF SHIT!!" I got up, and sloppily removed the bed covers, leaving it stripped naked. I flipped the mattress off onto it's side, and began to slide it on its way outside. Soon as I opened the door, I noticed it was dark outside. Now being completely disoriented (time-wise), my rage fit was replaced with confusion. "No. Whaaat?.." I mumbled. I layed the mattress against the wall next to the door, and pulled out my phone to check the time. 9:47 PM. Fuuuuuuuck. Joe and I really just napped through the day. Well, there goes party time... I visibly slouched, rolling my eyes at the same time. I could've easily just set the alarm on my clock to ring a few hours after we began our nap. Too late though. Screw nap, we fucking slept for a full fuckin' 12 hours. I walked over to Joel who was sleeping on the couch in the living room. It was an extremely plush leather sofa, so he looked really damn comfy on it. I gave him a nudge. "Hey, Joe." I said in a quiet tone. I nudged him a bit more forcibly. "Broski, wake up dude." Nothing. This guy is out cold. I slapped his arm over and over, gradually going from gentle to full blown bitch slapping. "Holy fuck, you're hibernating, ain't ya?" I laughed. OH SHIT. Commence troll face. I just had an idea so filled with trololol, that Discord would be proud. I filled about a quarter of the empty coke bottle with water, chuckling at the same time. Remember when I mentioned earlier how I like using empty bottles for those non-lethal yet extremely loud explosions? What I do is fill an empty bottle with a quarter or so of water, drop little pieces of dry ice which is solidified carbon dioxide (simplified: Solid air) into the bottle, then I screw the cap shut and watch it inflate and BOOM! Fun stuff. Basically, the dry ice melts (evaporates) into air if it isn't stored in extremely low temperatures, and the water accelerates its evaporation process. Now, put it in a bottle, and you have a bomb. I slipped a few chunks of dry ice from the freezer into the bottle, and placed the cap on the bottle, not fully screwed though. I slowly walked into the living room, quickly screwed the cap shut as tight as I could, and slipped it beneath the sofa which Joel was sleeping on. I ran as quietly as possible to the outside of my house, and stared with anticipation through the living room window. I must've had the biggest troll face in the world at the moment. For a while, it just sat there, the little clouds of dry ice rotating inside the bottle. Then, it began to inflate pretty quickly. "OHOHOHO SHIT!! FIRE IN THE HOLE!!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. I took cover from the window, and covered my ears. The second right after I took cover, a huge explosion echoed throughout the house, vibrating the window glass a bit. I could just imagine Joel being freaked out by now. I looked through the window, and there he was. At the corner, looking around like a madman as the vapor escaped from beneath the couch. I fell to the ground, laughing the tears and piss out of myself. "CHRIS YOU FRIED PILE OF DICKWEED!!" I heard him shout from the inside of the house. That just fueled my laughter even more. My stomach began to hurt like hell, tears literally coming out of my eyes as they rolled down my red as fuck face. Joel snickered, punching my shoulder. "That was smart, I admit." "Yeah, plus you wouldn't wake up man. I was bitch slapping your shoulder like a pimp." I laughed, but only for a short moment. My stomach still hurt like a bitch. "Shit man, we slept through the whole day?" He said in disbelief as he checked his phone for the time. "Yup. Well, there goes party time. Plus I just got a call while I was laughing my ass off from a guy on craigslist who's interested in buying the Corolla I fixed up last week. He wants to check it out in the morning or afternoon, so there goes my free schedule for tomorrow." I gave a discouraged shrug. "Shit man." He sat on the grass, arms folded as he seemed to be in deep thought. We both sat for a few long moments in silence, him mostly just giving the distance ahead an absent minded look as I plucked the blades of grass individually. "Hey, why don't we just go out and have a few drinks from the bar? Then we come back and have a movie marathon since we won't be able to sleep all night." He spoke up. "Hm. Not a bad idea." I nodded. I wasn't much of a drinker, but hey, I guess I can celebrate my best friend moving in with me by having a few drinks. "I drive the bronymobile though." He smirked. "Oh fuck no. I'm sorry bro, but you know that thing and I are pretty damn close." I stood up getting in his way from the garage, being a bit overprotective. I did love the car with my heart man. I tuned her, set her up, and customized her all myself with my own sweat and time, specifically for my taste and liking. I even tuned her handling performance for countless days, exactly for my driving style. So when I took her to the track, she felt like she knew just what I wanted to do in every single input I gave her. This car was a one of kind, meant only for me. That's how I felt. He saw for a quick moment the grave seriousness I had etched on my face. "Oh shit. Right, right, I forgot about that man, I'm sorry." He held his hands up in an apologetic fashion. Agh, great, now I felt like a douche. Then I remembered something. "But actually... I've been working on a slightly secret project." I smiled. I turned on the lights of my workshop, revealing my 'secret project'. "Tadaaa." I said with a feigned enthusiasm as I held my arm out towards the F2000 formula car that was parked in the middle, it's body panel sitting in the corner. I looked over to Joel, who held a facial expression of jizzed pants. I gave a cheeky laugh. Now. Let me explain. These cars are meant for a specific type of branch of racing called "Formula" racing. They are built, purely for racing. They are made, purely for fast track times. They are made for speed. Around corners, and through the straights all around. These babies unfortunately are only built for the track. However... with a few modifications, I made it street legal. Believe me, it's easier than you think to make a race car street legal. Just check with your state's motor vehicle laws. You'd be surprised to find how little they ask of requirements to make these things road legal. So I hopped on it as soon as I got the chance. "The... fuck." He placed a hand on his forehead. "It has lights n' shit!" He shouted excitedly. He went around the car probably like 10 times practically circle jerking on it by himself. "Oh my god. License plates? Are you telling me this thing is-" "Road legal? Yep." I smirked. He smiled. "Oh, you know I'm going to say yes." He pointed at me. I tossed the car's keys at him, and opened one of my aluminum storage cabinets. I began to rummage through. "What helmet size are you?" I asked. "Large, why?" I grabbed a pair of racing gloves from the cabinet and tossed it at him, then pulled out a helmet for him. I held the helmet towards him, Joel giving a delayed response and grabbing it a few seconds later. "State law requires it. Plus you're going to want it anyway. We're definitely gonna race to the bar. See how good you are in a car that's faster than a Ferrari on a track. Better yet? I'll take the bike, giving you more of a chance to win." I stuck my tongue out. "No way dude. This is epic. SO!! EPIC!!" He hugged me and practically swung me back and forth. "Alright dude! Just let me screw on the body panel and walk you through the operations n' shit of the car." I said with a tone that asked 'put me down'. "You know how to drive stick, right?" I asked. "The real way to drive a car? Hell yeah bro!" He smirked. "So, all clear?" I asked one last time. He nodded. "Man, let's go get our stuff together and go already!" He said practically shitting himself with excitement. We both made our way back to the house, and began to get our stuff together. I grabbed my motorcycle gear and slipped it all on, quickly grabbing the bike and house keys along with my wallet. I went over to the living room where Joel was going through his bags, looking for his stuff. "You ready?" I asked. "Waiwai-" He grumbled as he rummaged through. Then, he pulled out an odd looking contraption that reminded me ALOT of the Gersch device from CoD. Except, it looked a lot more simplified, and more clean looking. And. Pretty fucking small. No bigger than his palm. "The fuck. Is that." I deadpanned. It looked nothing like his usual devices that he brought along. To be honest, it didn't look exciting at all. I sat down on my favorite recliner, just looking at it. "Now, my friend, it's my turn to blow your mind." He wagged his finger at me, smiling. "I call it the PTU-1FEPoW." He said. "LAAAAME. What does it stand for?" I asked, mocking his contraption with a playful smile. "Particle Transport Unit." He stated flatly. Okay. Now I'm interested. If this is what I think it means, I'd shit my pants. "Elaborate?" I said with my best scientist face. That just being a quizzical look with my hand on my chin. "Does exactly what you think it means. Teleports. Things." Joel held a proud grin. AWWWW SHYET, BOI. I. AM. PROUD. O' YOUUUU!!!!! I hopped off my recliner, hugging the shit out of him. He fuckin' did it. Ok, lemme explain. This guy has been working his ass off on this project for countless ages already. Far back before we met. He discovered through his research that he was able to move particles through space. How? He discovered how to utilize the fabric of space as a tool. It kind of acts like a rubber band. Epic so far, amright? Ok, there's more. After that discovery, he tested that by stretching the fabric of space from a certain point (A), to another point (B), space was able to act as a shortcut for particles. Like a wormhole, in simple terms. Similar to the idea of the wormhole, but completely different though. It defied so many theories and laws of physics and what not out there in so many ways, but it worked. Problem was, he could only do it with particles. He wanted to test it with objects, but struggled with moving large masses of particles altogether. The technology that he was making for stretching space at the time was just in its infancy, so he spent countless amounts of hours in dedication to developing the technology. When we met, I remembered how he would never shut up about it. I didn't doubt he could do it, but it got old after a while when it seemed like he wasn't making progress. I kind of heard less and less from him about it throughout the years, so I thought he eventually gave up. But fuck nah. He fokking did eet. "You fucking genius. I thought you'd never do it." I patted him on the back, shaking my head with pride in my friend. "Now, show me." "With pleasure." He said. He began to tinker with the machine. After a minute or so, he flipped the contraption over. "Ok, I tuned its settings to work. Now, what shall we use as an object, and where shall we send it?" I pointed at a penny that was sitting beneath the coffee table in front of the sofa. "I've been too lazy for the past week to pick it up. Send it to my palm." I said as I held out my hand. I faintly heard what sounded like bacon simmering on a hot pan. "The hell was that?" I asked. "The particles literally walking through space." He replied. The genius then pointed at my palm. "You missed it, haha." I looked at my palm, and hot shit. There's the penny. "You didn't even do anything, like flip a switch or press a button-" "For a little epic touch, I gave it thought-controlled operations." He answered without a second to spare. "All I have to do is put it to search for brain waves, and it'll give a list of who's minds it's picking up. Then, I just select whoever and it'll synchronize itself to that mind. All you have to do is think of an object, and the target area of where it should move to." He then sat for a few seconds, thinking. "Actually, I was trying to figure out ways on how to operate the device, like using coordinates and such, but wanna know something odd? I used thought control because... oddly, and thought provokingly enough... for whatever reason, I found out that the material the universe uses for space corresponds to us the best. Our minds, more specifically. More than three times as effective as any other method I've tried with my research and technology, as a matter of fact." I'm sorry, I couldn't help but daydream about eating muffins with Derpy Hooves. It was a lovely daydream, it made me visibly smile. Just giving her loads of hugs, sharing many childish jokes and laughs, smiling, watching the sunse- UH, I MEAN- PFT, CARS, RACING, CALL OF DUT- Y'KNOW. SHIT, FUCKIN', DAYDREAMING ABOUT MANLY STUFF, N' SHIT. Listen, I totally don't have a soft spot and am not like... prone to adorable stuff. Fuck no. Psh. What you talkin' about, boi shaddup before I bust a cap in yo knee. Meanwhile, and inevitably, another troll idea popped into my mind. "Bring it to the bar. We're totally fucking with the people." I disrupted him. He smiled, tapping his head with his finger. "That's why I brought it out." I walked over to the front door, and began turning off the lights, leaving the front exterior lights on. Joel followed behind, but then stopped as he pointed at the mattress that was sitting against the wall by the door. "Is that uhh.. your-?" "Long story." I waved it off. I looked over to my left at Joe, who was sitting in the F2000 strapping his gloves on. He flipped his helmet visor down, looked over at me, and gave me a thumbs up. Both our engines started at the same time, and holy fuck, my veins began to fill up with adrenaline at the sound. I haven't felt like this since my last track day, where I would sit with intense focus, just staring down at the red light timer. Both of us started revving the engines, warming up our machines as we slowly made our way out to the road from the driveway. The roads around my house were pretty empty at these times, since I lived in the outskirts of the city. Kind of rural, filled with a fair share of straights and twisties. Real fun, believe me. Only about 5-10 minutes from town, depending on how I drive/ride. Perfect location to have fun, and close enough to town. I made sure of it when I bought the property. We lined up our vehicles on the road, and gave each other a final stare. We couldn't see each other's faces through the reflective visors, but we could practically imagine just staring at one another's game face. I began the countdown with my horn. Beep. Beep. Beep. Our engine rpms exploded as the sound of tires screeching filled the air. The front of the bike lifted slightly on me a few times on the 1st gear pull, losing acceleration each time. That's the shitty part about bikes. Wheelies are cool n' all, but it's a pain in the ass to get a good acceleration from a standstill. Full throttle from 0-60 can be done within 3 seconds on the first gear alone, but that's pretty much the most difficult part to master without falling onto your ass. By the time I got onto 2nd gear, I had the upperhand, and slowly began to speed ahead of him. Within half a minute, we were already far from earshot if anyone watched that take off from the front of my house. I dove into the parking lot of the bar, and hard braked right into a free spot. Joel followed right behind my ass, and dove into the free spot next to mine in no less than a few seconds. I hopped off my bike and threw my fists into the air. "WWWWOOOOOOOOOO!!!! YOU KNOW U WILL NEVAH BEAT ME!!! WOO! WOO! WOO!" I flipped up the visor, and cupped the mouth of my helmet. I made a cheesy crowd-cheer sound effect, chanting my own name. "Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris!" Joel snapped off the racing harness, and climbed his way out of the cockpit of the F2000, pulling out the keys along the way. "Dude, I don't care who won. That. WAS. FUCKING. EPIC!!!" He jumped in place as he punched the air wildy. "FUCK YEAH THAT WAS!!!" I began mimicking his movements. We probably looked like the biggest idiots on the block, but shit, do I have to mention it again? I. Don't. Give. A fack about what people think. We took off our gloves and stored them in our jacket's pockets, and began to unravel the chin straps of our helmets as we walked towards the entrance of the bar. "We're definitely- doing this again. And soon." He spoke as he fussed around with his chinstrap. "Pft, took the words right outta my mouth." I sounded kind of out of breath. No surprise, racing on a bike is actually physically demanding. Not to mention straight up exhilarating. Nothing like it. "Wait, are we forgetting something?" I halted, sliding my helmet off my head. I hated this feeling, but it never hurt anyone to double check. "Hmm..." Joel finally unraveled the chin strap, and slipped his helmet off, giving a look over his shoulder at his backpack. "I have the PTU here, and my phone, cash. That's it, since there's no space at all in that car." He laughed. I joined in on the laugh, patting him on the back. "Definitely worth sacrificing for, huh?" I asked. "Pft, fuck yah." He stated with a matter-of-factly tone. "Oh, I almost forgot." "What?" "What does the rest of the name of that device stand for?" "1FEPoW?" "Yeah, won-fep-ow, however you pronounce it." "One fucking epic piece of work." "..." "What? Why are you looking at me like that?" "Damn right it is." POV: 3rd Person A little bit earlier back in Equestria... "Luna?" Celestia peered from behind as she addressed her sister with a loving tone. "Ah! Please stop that. You know how easy it is to scare me when I'm exhausted..." Luna slouched as she placed her hoof on her head. Celestia simply giggled. "I actually came to ask you about that. I see it is actually getting a bit worse, now that I heard you have a headache?" Celestia lowered her head to Luna's level, but the princess of the night quickly turned around and began trotting the opposite way down the corridor. "No no, dear sister, I am fine. Really." Luna tried her best to trot without her body aching her to slouch. The sun goddess sighed. "Luna, no lies, please." Celestia begged. The dark alicorn then slouched once more, wanting to just drop onto the ground right there and fall asleep. "Ok, yes... I'm stilled tired, and the paranoid thoughts have only grown stronger. Today it feels as if they are plaguing my mind, for crying outloud. I really don't feel that these are merely thoughts anymore to be honest." Luna ranted, trotting back and forth as she threw a hoof up in the air a few times. Celestia gave a fixed look as she thought for a moment. "Do you feel now that maybe it's true? That something might happen?" Luna turned to look at her sister for a moment. "No. But it still chooses to plague my mind more and more as time passes." Celestia thought for another moment, then looked through one of the tall glass windows to see where the sun was. About three hours before Luna had to raise the moon. "Do you think it shall require attention?" Celestia asked, still looking out the window. Luna shook her head. "No no, not at all. Like I said the other day, it is not bad at all... but it is just there, in my mind all day. Which is why it is confusing. How can something as harmless as this drive me to not be able to sleep?" Luna asked with a hint of frustration. "I still don't understand the reason why it stays in my mind? It's such a ridiculous thought!" Celestia turned slowly away from the window, her head last as she dragged her eyes away from looking outside. "Sister, would you mind if I set the moon tonight?" The sun goddess asked. Luna's ears perked up. "I don't mind at all. May I ask why though?" The dark alicorn held a quizzical expression. "You could really use another... 'chamomile' nap." Celestia smiled. The statement made Luna blush. "Oh, Tia- apologies once again! I didn't think it would put me to nap for 4 hours!" Luna covered her face with her hooves in shame. Celestia began to chuckle for a while. "Sister, no need for apologies! It's quite alright. I was glad that you got a good amount of rest actually! The health of my much loved sister matters more than some extra work." The alabaster alicorn hugged her sister. "Celestia..." Luna hugged her back. "...You should get a coltfriend." The alicorn of the night uttered under her breath. This made Celestia giggle. "Oh, for crying out loud, you should get a nice coltfriend! You deserve somepony to return your love and care." Luna suggested more assertively. Celestia simply shook her head. "Luna, you know how I feel about that. We outlive our subjects, we're certainly very different from our subjects, and most can't even stare at my eyes without breaking down within a minute. Must I give more reasons?" Celestia sounded like a broken record player to her. Although this time, Luna felt like using the card in her sleeve. "Oh come on Celestia. You know what I mean." Luna acted as if Celestia did know, but in truth she didn't. Celestia simply cocked her head very slighty. "You could easily go and find a coltfriend this very moment if you felt like it. I know you've been going off castle grounds on some of your free days, miss... Sunny Skies." Luna gave a gentle elbow to Celestia's shoulder. The sun goddess' eyes shot wide open, causing her to give a faint blush. "How- wha-?" She stuttered. "No? Who told you such a rumor?" She attempted to play it off. Luna simply smiled though. Celestia sighed. "You won't tell anypony, will you? It's the only way everyone looks at me eye to eye, rather than 'divine and almighty'." She whispered. Luna responded with a mild look of shock. "Wha-? No- why would I? Sister, this isn't high school." The lunar goddess chuckled. "That would be pointlessly cruel of me, Tia! Besides, it makes you happy! You know what makes you happy, makes me happy." She gave a loving smile, and nuzzled her elder sister. "Oh-... sorry for ever doubting you, sister." Celestia returned the nuzzle with her own warm smile. "It's just, you caught me off guard by knowing about... Sunny Skies. That's a secret I thought nobody would ever have known about." She then thought for a second. "...Speaking of which, how did you figure it out?" Celestia questioned. Luna giggled. "Celestia, nopony else other than I is old enough to remember how you looked in your youth." She giggled a bit more. "Did you think I would forget after a few thousand years?" Luna questioned with a playful look of accusation. They both laughed as they walked down the rest of the corridor. Eventually, they parted ways and went off to continue with their business, but in a much better mood. 'I'm still not getting a coltfriend.' Luna heard Celestia's voice in the back of her mind. She simply shrugged, and chuckled. "It was worth a shot." She mumbled to herself as she grinned. Luna then began to trot happily on her way to the kitchen to prepare herself some chamomile tea once again.