//------------------------------// // Irony // Story: Subject 27 // by Phyrexian //------------------------------// Chapter 75 - Irony I didn’t sleep well at all last night, or very much to be correct. Cloud and I went at each other like rabbits. Lessons were taught, punches were thrown, tables tested; all around a very productive night. But the one thing that kept me up all night was this dreadful feeling of giving Cloud the untested vaccine. I don’t know what the side effects are, or if it even works for that matter; just threw it together during my moment of clarity that was brought upon by a drug high. It’s out of my hands now, I guess I just have to hope for the best. Which brings us to the present. I’m outside, sitting on my roof, watching the sunrise for the very first time. The crisp morning mountain air smells faintly of last night’s rain. The morning dew glistens in the sun’s rays. “Whelp,” I said outloud, “guess I’ll get to it then.” I jump off the roof and land on my feet. Tail snags the two buckets by the door and I head for the lake. A brisk walk down to the lake doesn’t take too long; gives me some time with my own thoughts, and for once, I have none. An uneventful trip down to the lake side, I fill the buckets up with water and Tail carries them back for me. By the time I get back, it’s barely early morning, almost breakfast time for the early birds. I set one bucket on the kitchen table for Colt and his harem. I take the other one to our room, were I find Cloud and Fade snuggled up under the blankets and Stella rubbing the sleep from her eyes. “Mornin’ Horror,” she says sleepily. “What’s for breakfast?” Tail picks her up on our way out the door. “Mornin’ Tail.” She gives Tail a mighty hug. “Sleep well?” I asked as I set her down at the table. “I slept really good! Fade is really snuggly.” Tail digs through the boxes and fishes out a variety of different fruits for Stella. “Oh, kiwi!” Tail looks at her, a bit confused by the demand. “No kiwis?” He digs through the crate once more and fishes out three kiwis for Stella. “Thanks Tail!” I settle for carrots. “Horror?” “Hmmm?” I asked with mouth full of carrots. “Can we go play after breakfast? Pwease?” “Sure thing Stella. Had anything special in mind?” “I’m kinda scared of the woods...” “Why’s that?” “It’s big and scary.” “Oh. Well then, I have an idea. How about you and your big bro explore the scary woods?” “Hmmm, ‘kay.” The both of us finish our light breakfast and walk out the front door. We walk to the edge of the forest with Stella staying close to my side. As I walk in, she stays at the edge. “Big bro... I don’t know about this...” Stella shrinks away. “There’s nothing to be afraid of Stella,” I try to reassure her, but she shakes her head in denial. “T-This is my first time out of the city... It’s so big and quiet here... I don’t like it big bro.” “You’re right... It is quiet. Too quiet.” I don’t know how I didn’t notice it, but it’s eerily quiet right now; no wind, no wildlife roaming about, nor any songbirds singing. “Nothing to worry about Stella, monsters are just as scared of you as you are of them.” “Really?” “Yeah.” Just a little white lie. Just a little. “Shall we?” “Mhmm!” And so we spend the morning exploring the forest. At first, Stella hid behind me or in Tail, but as we journeyed deeper, she really seemed to be taking a liking to her surroundings; soon enough, she became the leader and I the follower. The forest quickly comes to life as we pass over the half mile threshold.  We see deer grazing far in the distance, Stella hides on my head as I creep closer so she could get a better look. Wild flowers had Stella oohing and awing. But at last, our little adventure comes to an end when she sees a wolf spider the size of a dinner plate. With her cowering on top of my head, we decided to head back home to see if anyone else is finally awake. - - -         “The sink won’t work!” Pinkie Pie shouts, angrily spinning the knobs on either side of the faucet.         “Does this house have water yet?” Trixie asks.         “I guess not,” Colt replies.         “Awww,” Fluttershy whines.         “I’ll go ask 27 what needs cleaning up, one second.” Colt heads out the bathroom and down the hall to my room. “Anyone inside?” he asks through the slightly ajar door.         “You may enter, Colt,” Fade cheerfully answers.         He walks in to see Fade laying on her back with Cloud curled up next to her and Shell Shock laying on a small makeshift bed in the corner. “Alright, just not wanting to walk in on anything I shouldn’t. So, where’s 27? The girls want to shower and what not.”         “I haven’t the slightest clue. He didn’t wake me this morning when he got up, so he might be outside exercising or already working on the house.”         “Faaaaaaantastic, looks like no shower. Unless you make a lot of ice and we melt it.” He says jokingly.         “If you do find 27, tell him I’m hungry,” Fade calls out as he leaves the room and heads to the kitchen. As he rounds the corner, he sees a large bucket sitting on the kitchen table.         “Why is there a bucket of water here?” he asks no one in particular. He hears the front door open and turns around to see me walking in with Stella perched on top of my head.         “Surprise to see you up this early, Colt,” I greet him with a warm, fanged smile.         “So am I. Also, Fade is hungry.”         “Is she now? I mustn't keep her waiting then. But, before I depart, the pail there is for you all to wash up, if you require more I can fetch some from the lake. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a hungry Fade to attend to.” Tail places Stella at the kitchen table as hastily walk to my room.         “I just got your message Fa-” I walk through the open door, not seeing Fade. The door quickly closes and Fade pounces me from behind and sinks her fangs into my neck. “Ahhh, Fa-” I slur as I drift off in sweet bliss.         “Seems Daimon isn’t the only one who hungers for human flesh,” Colt blurts out, which gets Fade’s attention. She pulls away from my neck and I drop to the floor like a sack of potatoes. “Huh, hope he has a hard head.” Okay, so, one thing I figured out the hard way is you never-ever interrupt Fade while she feeds. She’s easily flustered and it never ends well.         “C-Colt, how long have you’ve been standing there?” She asks, quickly regaining her composure.         “Long enough to see you giving 27 the hickey of a lifetime,” he says jokingly.         “I was feeding. Your sudden appearance startled me. Please, come in.”         “Alright then, is he going to get up soon?”         “He’s just enjoying the after effects, let him be. Is there something you need?”         “Nope, wondering what he needs me to do today, preferably nothing fire related.”         “When he comes to, I’ll let him you know you’re looking for him.”         “Okay. So how do you exactly feed? Blood, flesh, soul, life energy, orphan meat, or what have you?”         “Blood is essentially life energy. Souls are what sustain me, 27 can feed on both life energy and souls. Best method for me is to enter someone’s mind and devour them from there; but the neck works just as well.”         “So you give him hickeys to survive, seems legit.”         “D-Did you get enough, Fade?” I whimper from my awkward position on the floor.         “We’ve got plenty my dear, thank you.” With the help of Tail, I stagger to my feet.         “O-Oh hey Colt. Was there something you needed?”         “Yeah, what’s the plan for the repairing/rebuilding this place today?”         “Much needs to be done before this is really liveable. The roof needs repairs and water needs to be restored. I’ll be going into the mine to fix the electricity, should be an adventure in and of itself. The floorboards that I ripped up yesterday need to be replaced, and the minor things like paint and what have you.”         “So how about water and electricity first? It would be nice to have indoor plumbing and lighting.”         “How’s the leg doing? Is it up to the task of spelunking?”         “My leg is fine, and I don’t swing that way bro.” ...Why does everything has to revolve around sex with this guy?         “Spelunking, i.e. cave exploring.”         “Yeah, that’s how the changeling got you, is it not?”         “Laugh it up now boyo. Go get some food in you, you’re going to need your strength for this adventure.”         “Alright. Food, then work.” He follows me out into the kitchen.         “Colt, how well do you handle in yourself in the dark?”         “You kidding, this wimp screams like a litt-” Daimon blurts out.         “Shut up Daimon!”         “I take it that you can’t see well in the dark either?”         “No, and thats why it freaks me out.”         “I’m assuming you never ate your carrots when you were young?”         “I did, but bad eyes ran in the family. To read from afar I need my glasses, lost those a long time ago.”         “I suggest that we make a few torches for you then.”         “Okay, but they need to be lit by some other source than myself, my hands are killing me.”         “The more you use your... abilities, the more calluses your body will create. But I have some flint and tinder in Cloud’s saddlebags that I can use.”         “Yeah, although my body will slowly become as calloused as a guitar player’s fingertips, it doesn’t stop two things: A, the pain of baking organs; and B, the fact that it shortens my lifespan. I don’t even want to know how much I’ve wasted these past few days.”         “You need to retire, or at the very least, take it easy. Come on, get some fuel in yas; don’t want to be carrying you out of the cave from lack of blood sugar and being scared silly.”         “I am, but I use my fears as motivation.”         “Of course you do. I’m just going to avoid dark places, and kill every spider I see.”         “You can’t kill what you can’t see.”         “Yeah, that’s another problem!” he shouts.         “I’ll be outside making the torches. Before you come out, go get the flint and tinder from Cloud’s bags.”         “Fine...” Once outside I do just that, make torches while Colt finishes up eating. After he finishes eating breakfast, Colt heads to my room, only to be greeted by a closed door. Without a second thought, he opens the door and barges in, not paying attention to anything around him he heads straight for Cloud’s bags that rest on the floor.         “C-Colt! Do you not know how to knock!?” Fade yells, he turns around to see her standing by the closet door naked.         “Well... Back to what I was doing.” He says monotone. Ignoring the naked Fade behind him as he rummages through Cloud’s bags.         “Please tell me you weren’t raised in a barn, shut the door!” He sighs as he turns around to close the door. “What is it that you’re looking for?” She asks, finally breaking the awkward silence.         “Flint and tinder, but all I seem to find are unlabeled potions.”         “I don’t know how Cloud can pack so much into those bags of hers; it amazes me.” Fade kneels down beside him, sporting a loosely fitting white shirt and black shorts.         “Any reason you were naked?” A hint of pink flashes across her cheeks that quickly fade away.         “Sometimes I don’t like wearing physical clothing, your timing couldn’t be any better.”         “Okay... Why are these potions all weird? One’s warm, and the other is cold as hell.”         “Those? Both of their effects are the same but different side effects. The intended goal for those are to increase your sexual drive; the cold one makes you attracted to the opposite sex and the warm one is same sex. I wouldn’t take either of those, both are untested.”         “And 27 needs these why?”         “He doesn’t. While he was a prisoner, he created sugar glass quickly so he had free time to experiment with potions. Those are just a few he created.”         “Sugar glass?”         “Umm, he referred to it as LSD during the creation.”         “Leave it to him to bring club drugs to Equestria.” He says, facepalming for a moment.         “Cloud, sweety. Where did you put the flint and tinder at?” Fade whispers into Cloud’s ears, she rolls over in the bed; mummifying herself in the blankets. “Cloud, please wake up.” She mumbles something incoherent.         “From what I heard, she should be tired after last night.” Fade turns to Colt with a confused look.         “What did Cloud do last night?”         “Something that was perverted and awkward to watch, that’s all I got out of Belle.”         “Oh, I see.” Fade gently pushes Cloud, who just grunts again.         “No mum... Just a lil’... longer.”         “Cloud, sweety, where did you hide the flint and tinder?”         “Fro-.. pocket.. Bot-.. left.” She moans, burying her head into the pillow.         “Thanks!” He shouts loudly, digging in the front bottom left pocket. He finds what he’s looking for and bolts out the room. “Also Fade, don’t worry, I didn’t see anything!”         “I did! Heheh.”         “Shut up Daimon!”         “Just shut the door on your way out!” He does as he’s commanded.         “Alright, now to find 27 before Fade decides to kill us.” Fearful for his life, that any moment a ice shard would somehow manage to lodge itself in his cranium.         “Hehehehehe, her tits were huge!” Daimon says, just outside the door.         “Just shut up already.” Colt says loud enough for Fade to hear. - - -         “What took you?” I asked, twirling a torch in each hand.         “Daimon was checking out Fade and Cloud wouldn’t tell me where the flint and tinder were.”         “I see. Here you go; hopefully you know how to use it.” Mid-twirl, I toss one of the torches, thinking he would be able to catch it. But I thought wrong, it just smacks him square in the face.         “What the fuck!?”         “Oops, my bad.” That was pretty comical to watch. “Thought you could catch that.”         “And yet it just smacked me in the face.” Ohhh snap, someone is a salty sea dog. “Next time just hand it to me.”         “Simmer down now, no need to be all hot headed. Simple mistake; that’s all.”         “Whatever, so where do we start?”         “Fuse box on the house needs to be repaired. But first off we need to follow the power cable into the cave to see if there’s any breakage in the line.”         “Fantastic, any idea how deep the cave goes?”         “Nope. But if what Cloud said is true, there used to be a mining operation here. So, my best bet is deep.”         “Even better, you first.” He insists.         “Just don’t burn me with your torch.”         “Says the guy who throws torches.”         “Because it wasn’t lit at the time, you might want to do that unless you feel like using Tail as a guideline.” Tail happily wags at the sudden notion of someone talking about him.         “I would, but I have no idea how to use it...”         “I see... Okay, it’s simple really. Take a blade or some kind of sharp object and strike the flint in a forward motion; creating sparks. You do this very close to the dry tinder until it catches. Once it does, blow lightly until the ember becomes strong enough to create a flame. After that, light whatever you want on fire; see?”         “Alright then, I think I got it, let’s get going.”         “Watch your footing while we’re in here; last night’s rain could’ve made the entrance slippery.” Colt follows me blindly into the cave. The mouth of the cave is fairly large, and the main tunnel as well. Colt stops follow me, for what I don’t have the slightest clue. I leave the torches’ light and adventure on ahead. I can’t see almost at all in here, but I still have my sonar.         “Fuck...” Colt says in realising that he’s alone. “Where the hell are you dude?!” He calls with a trembly voice.         “Right here, told you to stay close.” I step back into the light, as I do, Colt’s face quickly turns from fear to relief. “Oh right, I blend in, don’t I?” He doesn’t need to know I left him here.         “Just give me Tail. I’d rather hold onto him then get lost in here.” Tail happily offers himself as a tether for Colt. Who in returns wraps his forearm around Tail and grabs firmly.         “Okay, just stay behind me, okay?” He nods silently and we continue our adventure.         I honestly have no idea how long we’ve been in here, time seems to just stand still. Heck, if it wasn’t for the power cable, I’d most likely be lost right now. “I wonder how deep the substation is?” I think out loud. “It couldn’t be too far ba-.” The bottom of my sonar vision goes from a light grey to a complete and utter black. Colt, doesn’t know I’ve come to a dead stop and walks right into the back of me.         “What happened?” A bursts of clicks echo out to make sure it’s just a drop and not me going crazy.         “That could’ve been interesting. Look.”         “Dude, I’m nearly blind in this lack of light. What am I looking at?”         “Nothing.  That’s the point. It’s just a straight drop here.” I pick up a rock no larger than the palm of my hand and drop it over the edge. “One mississippi. Two mississippi. Three mississippi.”  I count out loud until the rock lands on something metallic, maybe an old mining cart? “Three seconds, roughly two hundred foot drop. Hmmm, whatever is down there peaked my curiosity.”         “Yeah... How do you intend to get us down there? And jumping isn’t an option.”         “I've survived greater, though I certainly don’t recommend it.”         “So you go down there and I go back inside? Sounds great.”         “I would love to, but the cable leads across the gap. Do you trust me?”         “I don’t trust a lot of things, cables are one of them.”         “That wasn't the question, I asked if you trusted ‘me’.”         After a short period of time, Colt finally answers me. “No idea... Kinda?”         “Meh, good enough for me!” Before he can respond, I grab the torch and toss it over the pit. Before I even see it land on the other side, I grab Colt by the scruff of his shirt and his belt and hurl him across the gap. He flies across the gap, screaming his head off and promptly lands on his face on the other side. - - -         “Ohhh, he didn’t stick the landing! That’s going to hurt his overall score.” Friend holds up a whiteboard with a three on it. “Better luck next time Lad!” - - -         “The fuck was that?!”         “Ah, good! You made it across; was afraid that I undershot it.”         “Again, THE FUCK?!” Someone’s a salt sailor.         “This is the fastest way across, make way! I’m coming over.” Colt grabs the torches and presses himself against the wall. I get a good running start before I do the leap of faith. I sail across the gap and clear it, landing on all fours and come to a sliding stop. “Missed me?”         “No, also, why the fuck couldn’t we just go get a few boards to walk across?!” So salty. Can he not appreciate a good shortcut?         “My previous statement warrants itself, don’t you think?”         “You would be that guy who runs across the street, dodging traffic rather than wait for the light to change.”         “If it suits me, then yes. Let’s keep on moving, shall we?”         “You’re almost on the same level as Daimon, you know that?” Excuse me?         “Please elaborate.”         “Likely to do things without thinking about what could go wrong, risking others’ saftey, doing it randomly.” I’m sorry that I can think on my feet.         “I thought it through, I took the risks into consideration.” Oh no. You died. Wait, just kidding, because the all great and powerful Daimon can bring you back from death! “And I went with the most probable and reasonable scenario to save time; thus leading us here.” Deal. With. It.         “What would you have done if I plummeted to my death in a mine shaft?” You know what? I’m calling it now, this whole situation is going to come back and bite me in the ass. Now that would be ironic. I don’t know when, but I know it’s coming.         “The likelihood of that happening is ten to one; always more fun with the odds stacked against you; no? Furthermore, if you met your untimely demise in this shaft, I would’ve crossed that bridge when I needed too.”         “... I hate you right now.” He states.         “What? Sorry if I thought things through.”         “Let’s just go...” Tail places himself in Colt’s palm, a suggestive tug from Tail tells Colt that I’m already moving. “Fine, just stop throwing me places.”         “No promises.” For the majority of the trip there, we chat amongst ourselves. Colt expresses his deep hatred for the dark of course, and spiders. I’m a bit worried for us because we’re already on the second torche and I don’t know how close we are to the substation. Shortly after the second torch is lit, we walk across a narrow bridge, small enough that Tail had to carry Colt across.         I let out a sigh of relief as I lay eyes, well, sonar on a large metal box. “There she is, aren’t you a beaut?”  Colt walks into the back of me again, not paying attention of course.         “What’s that?”         “Substation that we’ve been hunting. I’d thought I never be so glad to see such outdated tech.” Tail pushes Colt closer to the substation, the light from his torch lights up the majority of it. “Hey Colt, step over here for a second. I need to figure out how this thing works, don’t want to accidentally blow everyone up now, do we?”         “Yeah, that wouldn’t be as fun as if we just blew up some random house with no one in it.” We stand there in silences as I look it over. No real idea what any of these do... Oh, big lever hiding on the side. Now, what do you do?         “Master switch?” Reads the dusty label above it. “Gotta start somewhere I guess.” I try flipping it with one hand, but it doesn’t budge. I try with both but still no give. “Wise guy, eh? Let’s see how you like me now?!” Tail joins in on the struggle against the rusted metal. A few grunts and curse words later, the rusted lever groans and squeals as I and Tail force it up. “Heh, good work everyone.” Tail and I high five.         “What now?” Colt asks, seemingly board.         “Trial and error Colt. Trial and error.” Tail dusts off the rest of the machine, sadly, no more labels to guide me. Oddly enough, it doesn’t take us long to get the lights on due to Colt leaning on the secondary master switch. “Huh, good work Colt.” Most of the lights kick on with a dull yellow hum, others flicker sporadically and the rest are plain dead. “That’s much better than torch light.”         “Agreed. Can we leave?”         “Yeah, I can come back later and tinker with this ol’ girl later, make sure she stays running.”         “Cool.” So we backtrack our way through the cave, the lights make it easier for us to actually see where we’re going. “Hmmm, yeah, I’m not going to allow you to throw me over the whole again.”         “Oh? How come? I can see the other side this time.” Colt backs away from the ledge and myself.         “Nope, not no way, not no how! We find another way around! I don’t care if it takes us an extra hour or all day!” Well this isn’t going to work. I didn’t see any other paths that looked like they lead out.         “Ah, I see. Well, I respect your wishes. Butttttttt, I’ve got a better idea?”         “Wha-?” Tail grabs Colt as I barrel down the pathway. “FUCK NO!” Colt screams as we near jump off point. “S-S-STOP!” Just as I’m about to jump, the unstable ledge gives way and we begin our descent into the bottomless pit. “What the fu-!”         “...” Called it.         “Do som-!”         “Shut the hell up!” Tail’s power artery pulses furiously. Doing the only thing we can, Tail puts everything into his throw and tosses Colt out of the pit and onto the other side.         “DUDE?!” The echos from Colt’s screams are the last things I hear as I plummet to another painful landing. Credits Editors frieD195 - Tsujin Rilauco