Chapter 5: Paint This Town, You're Stuck Here!
"Whadda ya mean you can't find anything?!" I yelled in disbelief at the purple pony leader. "Whassa matta with you?!"
"I meant what I said, Vinnie." Twilight replied. "We've gone through every book that covers portals and then every book that doesn't. Ergo, we've read every single book in the library!"
"Are you keeping something from me?!"
"What? Oh no no no no no! listen, you've got to trus-"
"Because if you are, you're gonna fuckin' regret it!"
As soon as I finished that sentence, I was the one having regrets on account of I had just threatened the leader of a world to which I was a stranger. Oddly enough however, they didn't seem to take it as seriously as I would have expected.
"Vinnie, dude." Spike said. "Chill the fuck out. She's not keeping anything from you."
"Yeah c'mon." Pinkie said. "Cool your shit."
"Alright alright alright!" I responded. "I'm calm. I'm just cool as a cucumber." losing hope that I would find the answers I needed, I plopped my ass back on the sofa. "So whadda we do now?"
"Spike." Twilight said. "Any word from the princess yet?"
"Sorry, boss." Spike answered. "Nothing yet. But um...well wasn't she gone on some political tour or something?"
"Oh shoot, I forgot! She just left for Saddle Arabia this morning and she's supposed to be there for a week!"
"Okay but why aren't you using these cool new words Vinnie's been saying?"
"That's not important, Spi-"
"Uh I don't mean to be a prick" I interrupted. "But who's this 'princess' you're talking about? And what does that have to do with me?"
"Princess Celestia" Twilight answered. "She's the ruler of Equestria"
"Oh so that's not you then?"
"No it's not."
"Okay, so you're telling me that until she gets back from that trip, I'm stuck here for a week?"
"I'm afraid so. In the meantime, you can stay here at our library."
"I can stay here? No shit! Ya know, for a bunch of fruity little namby pamby wusses, you guys are alright!"
"Uhh, I'll take that as a compliment I guess."
"Heh, yeah you go ahead and do that, sparks."
"Sparks? hmm. I wonder why my brother has never called me that. That sounds like something he'd say."
"Hey cool, Twilight!" Pinkie said. "He's got a nickname for you too! Mine's 'Pinkster'!"
"Well If I'm gonna be stuck here for a while, then I might as well make the best of it." I said. "Care to give me a tour of the town?"
"You bet your ass I care! let's go! I'll introduce you to all my other friends!"
"Wait!" Twilight said before Pinkster and myself went out the door. "Before you go, I fixed these things for you."
All of a sudden, I saw my pack of cigarettes floating right in front of my face and they were as good as new.
"What the fuck?!" I snapped in disbelief.
"Oh sorry." Twilight answered. "I probably should have told you about unicorn magic first. I and others with a horn like this can levitate objects."
"OH MY GOD MY SMOKES!" I yelled as I immediately lit up and inhaled. As I blew out a cloud of smoke after hours upon hours of withdrawal, I felt better than I had before I even got to this fucked up place which was starting to prove to be not all that bad. Although I had gone too long without my precious nicotine, it still didn't excuse me being an asshole to these...ponies. I've gotta take it for what it's worth and appreciate their hospitality even though it'll take a while for them to help me get outta here. Still, I can't afford to get too attached to "anypony" while I'm here.
"Thank you so much!" I said to the purple Twilight as I knelt down to her level to hug her.
"It's no cough pro-cough blem, Vinnie." She replied as she tried to wave the smoke away with her hoof. "I hope you have a fun night on our cough town! Just stick with Pinkie and you are guaranteed to have fun."
A few minutes of running and stopping for a breather later
"So Pinkster" I panted as I stood there trying to catch my breath. "What's there huff to do puff around here?"
"Well." Pinkie started. "What do you wanna do?"
Thinking about it for a moment, I looked down at my now dry but filthy, torn up clothes.
"I don't suppose you have any clothing shops around with something that would fit somebody like me would ya?"
"None that would have anything in stock but I know somepony who could make something for you! This way!"
"Hold up! Not so fast! listen Pinkster, I know you don't do slow but if you want me to keep up, you'll have to just bear with me. I'm not that young ya know."
"Sorry, Vinnie. I'll slow down a bit. I'd like to introduce you to all of my friends tonight but I'm worried you won't like my friend Rainbow Dash with that attitude."
"I'll worry about that later. I just need a change of clothes."
"To the Carousel Boutique!"
A comic book style transition later
"Wow!" I said in awe at the structure I stood before. "This is a store?"
"Yeah, this is the Carousel Boutique." Pinkie Replied. "My friend Rarity runs it. She's super good at making new outfits so you being a two-legger shouldn't be a problem for her."
"Whoa, ease up on the labels, Pinkster!"
"Oops, sorry. Bipedal individual."
"That's better."
"Okie dokie lokie! She's only open for about another half hour now so lets get you some new duds."
Instead of knocking this time, Pinkster opened the door and went right in. Of course it made sense seeming how it was a retail establishment open to the public during business hours.
"Wait here while I go get her ok?" Pinkie said to me. "I just want to explain what she'll be working with."
Pinkie then left the door open just a crack behind her and went inside to talk to this "Rarity" character. All I heard coming from inside the carnival ride building that would never pass building code where I come from, was the muffled sounds of the Pinkster talking to another more sophisticated sounding female voice. After just a few seconds of the two voices taking turns, the unfamiliar voice started getting louder and started sounding more excited with each exchange between the two. Suddenly, I heard what sounded like a "fangirl" squeal followed by the sound of a set of hooves galloping towards the door at full pace. I soon learned a very important lesson on the dangers of one putting their ear too close to a door with a pony sprinting over to it.
SMACK!
"Where is he then, darling?" The voice said behind the door that had just plowed into my face and tossed me to the other side. "Pinkie, you said I was going to get to make an outfit for one of those bipedal beings that Twilight told us about! I should have known you would be one to pull jokes like this. you got me all worked up for not-"
"I'm over here!" I yelled while laying in a small bush on the other side of the open door. "And I'll expect a damn good discount for my busted nose by the way!"
After a moment of awkward silence, the door slowly began to close a little bit and a white pony with a purple mane poked her head from the other side. This one had one of those twisted horns on her head and looked as if she took a lot of pride in her hairdo and was wearing toxic amounts of mascara. While I was laying in the small shrub wiping blood from my nose, the pony gave me the same blank stare that Twilight gave me before. Fainting seemed to be a popular fad today so I was expecting it to happen again. Instead, to my surprise, her eyes just lit up as if she were looking at the eighth wonder of the world.
"Oh do come in!" Rarity said as I stood up holding a handkerchief over my bloody nose. "I'll just get you measured up and while I do that I'll also try to fix that dreadful makeup on your face. That wouldn't be my choice in lipstick but I'll be more than happy to show you how to properly appl-"
"Or you can try fixing my fuckin' nose you moron!" I interrupted. "I'd rather stop this 'lipstick' from gushing outta my head!"
"Oh dear, I'm ever so sorry about that! I'll try to be quick. I can get you a new outfit made and send you to one of our friends who can help you with your nose."
Before I knew it, I was bending down going through another door, and I was inside this merry go round with a measuring tape being levitated around me.
"Hmm...ok six hooves and four trots in height..." Rarity muttered to herself giving me a sigh of relief due to a measuring system similar to what I'm used to. Seeming how I'm six feet and four inches in my world, I just put two and two together. "Aaaaand thirty-eight trots at the waist." Yup, that sounds about right. "Hmmm...I think I have all the measurements I need. Hold this towel on your face for now, dear. Uh what was your name now?"
"It's Vinnie" I replied as I applied slight pressure to my wound. "No fancy crap. I just want a casual, night on the town outfit, that's all."
"IDEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAA!"
Rarity then went over to a small table with a sewing machine on it, levitated a few stacks of fabric and started putting shit together.
Ten Minutes Later
"Well?" Rarity said to me. "What do you think?"
What at first I thought would take all day and end up postponing my night on this nice little town only took a few minutes with amazing results. I was staring at this two legged mannequin that was also not there a few minutes ago with my new outfit. It was a spiffy looking but still casual dark blue jacket with a black pair of slacks and a fedora.
"Holy shit!" I said, my bloody nose no longer bleeding completely forgotten about. "I like it!"
"I'm ever so glad you do. It's not my best work since I've never made an outfit for a human before but I'll be more than happy to try again anytime."
"I'm gonna be here for a week so you'll have plenty of time for that. how much do I owe ya, Gem?"
"Oh don't you worry about tha- Gem? Hmm, I never thought about having a nickname before but I think that suits me quite well."
"yeah I thought so too. I just noticed that everybody has these tats on their sides so I guess that works for you. I'm not planning on taking no for an answer though." I pulled out my wallet and from it I pulled out a thick wad of twenty dollar bills. "That kick ass outfit is gonna be paid for. how does five hundred sound?"
"Being the element of generosity, I will not accept any payme- what are those?"
"Ah, I keep forgetting I'm not in New York anymore. What do you guys use for currency around here?"
"BITS!" Pinkster shouted as she popped out of a box startling me and Gem. "And they look like this!"
Pinkster then tossed a coin to me to which I caught from the air. It was about the size of a nickel and It was a shiny gold and very heavy.
"Uh, is this gold?"
"Yes indeedy!"
"As in pure one-hundred percent?"
"You betcha!"
"Any businesses hiring? It'd be cool if I could get a few of these to take back home with me."
"Sugarcube corner is! We've been super busy lately because it's cider season and everypony wants some baked goods when they get sloshed."
"Sloshed? You mean to tell me you guys get drunk?"
"Yup! But only if you're old enough."
"I almost wanna say I'll be sad to leave. I could use a drink."
"Well we gotta get that shnozz fixed first. My friend Fluttershy is good at that stuff."
"Now that you mention that, it still hurts like a mother fucker. where's she at?"
"She lives in a cottage on the outskirts of town."
"Alright, sounds like a plan" I then turned to Rarity now dubbed "Gem". "Hey thanks for everything, Gem. See ya around."
"Oh you'll see me very soon" Rarity replied. "I'm about to close up shop and head right over to Sweet Apple Acres before Rainbow Dash drinks all of the cider. She gets very aggressive this time of year ever since these crooked salesponies came to town a while back so I don't want to go without a much needed drink. If you need a release, then you simply must try their cider. It's simply divine!"
"Sure, I'll check it out. Their cider foams right?"
"But of course"
"Good, because where I'm from, ponies get drunk from just eating apples. I guess they ferment in their stomachs somehow and turn into alcohol."
"Whoa hold up!" Pinkster cut in. "There are ponies in your world too?"
"Yeah, but they don't talk much and they're actually pretty boring. They're all plain colors like tan and brown." I replied. "They also tend to bite and they shit when they walk. ugh, I'm still shaking from that time when my Ma took me to a petting zoo for my fifth birthday. I didn't have a fighting chance when that thing got a hold of me."
"She sounds like a complete son of a bitch." Gem said, finally catching on to my cursing lessons with the Pinkster. "Such violent and uncouth behavior gives the civilized beings like us a bad name."
"Alright, well the more I talk, the more pain I'm bringin' on. We're cool by the way, Gem. See ya later, capiche?"
On the Outskirts Of Ponyville
"This is gonna be tricky, Vinne" Pinkie said to me as we came across a little cottage that looked like it belonged in a fairy tale on the edge of the forest. "Fluttershy is very kind but she's also a super scaredy pony."
"Aww c'mon Pinkster" I replied jokingly. "Sure I might be something she's never seen before but I'm not that scary."
"Oh it's not you, it's her."
"Really? She's that much of a wuss? I find that hard to believe."
"She's a pegasus and she's scared of heights."
"Ok, that does sound pretty weak. But can't you just do what you did at Gem's place and talk to her before you let her know I'm here?"
"I'm thinking about it but I'm still not sure she'll stick around very long. We'll have to just try it and hope for the best."
Pinkster and I then walked up to the door of this little cottage and she gave a few subtle knocks as I took a step to the side as to avoid startling this Fluttershy. The top portion of the door opened slowly just a crack and within a few seconds, the rest of the way.
"Oh hi, Pinkie" A very quiet voice said. "I though you would be at Sweet Apple Acres on a day like thi- I. Oh wait I didn't mean it like that. I wasn't trying to imply that you drink too much, I'm sorry, that came out wrong."
"Fluttershy, c'mon!" Pinkie replied. "You're acting like we just met. As long as you've known me, you should know that you can openly talk about my party habits all the fuck you want!"
"Oh ok. Thanks, Pinkie. What's a fuck though?"
At this point, still standing to the side out of fluttershy's view, I was having a hard time keeping myself from busting out in laughter. I could only cover my mouth so much due to my injured nose.
"Anyways" Pinkie continued. "I have a friend who needs your help with something."
"Oh really?" The shy one replied now sounding more enthusiastic. "What do they need help with?"
Pinkie Pie then inhaled a huge gulp of air and went on another crack rant.
"Earlier today I met one of those humans that Twilight told us about and he's stuck here until the princess comes back from her tour his name is Vinnie by the way so I took him to see Rarity to get himself a new outfit 'cause he'll be around for a week but when Rarity opened the door he got his nose smashed in and was bleeding all over the place but he really needed the new clothes even though ponies don't usually were clothes but I guess humans usually do so we got his outfit and I told him you could help bandage his nose for him and now we're here"
"Um, ooookayyyy?" Fluttershy Said. "So where is he?"
"BANG!" I yelled as I jumped out from a bush with my gun pointed in the yellow winged pony's face. If there was anything I had learned from being in my line of work for so long, was that if you were going to pull a prank and scare the shit outta somebody with a gun, take the shells out first. I had to learn that the hard way though and I was lucky to it have been a guy I was gonna snuff out anyway.
From what Pinkster had told me about her friend, I expected her to be flopping to the floor very quickly but instead stared up at me with her big teal colored eyes and her frown very slowly turned into a tiny little smile. I didn't see that coming.
"Vinnie, you asshole!" Pinkie yelled as I lowered my revolver. "I told you not to startle her! What the fuck where you thinki-"
"It's ok, Pinkie" The yellow pegasus with the light pink mane interrupted. "He just enjoys a good joke like you do. come on in, you two. I'll go get some bandages and we'll have that nose fixed in no time at all."
The next thing I knew, I was sitting on a tiny wooden stool next to a small table covered with medical supplies including gauze, scalpels, tweezers, a bottle of what I assumed was some type of antiseptic and a pissed off looking little white rabbit.
"So your name is Vinnie?" Fluttershy asked me. "That's a very nice name. So what brings you to Equestria?"
"It was a complete freak accident that I could have gone witho-OOOWWWW!"
"I'm sorry, Vinnie. I just needed to clean that with this apple alcohol. It will turn into a nasty infection if I don't."
"Alright, that's all fine and dandy but try concentrating on my nose and not my eyes. It's giving me the creeps."
A Few Minutes of Having a Pony Awkwardly Staring at My Eyes Later
"Ok, all done!" Fluttershy said as she held a mirror in front of my face. "I hope I did ok. I've never fixed a human before."
"I'll be damned" I said, very impressed with such precise work all done with big, awkward hooves. "I hardly even notice anything happened to it! Thanks a million, Doc!"
"It's no problem at all, Vin- Doc? Hmm, I like that. That can be my nickname that you and only you call me."
"Uh-huh sounds great, yo, Pinkster! lets get outta here and get wasted like we was plannin' capiche?"
"It was very nice meeting you, Vinnie. Maybe I'll see you two at Applejack's farm later."
"Sure, right right right right, we're outta here!"
A Few Steps Down The Road Later
"So what's the deal with that Fluttershy?" I asked Pinkie as we walked towards the apple farm. "Did you see how she kept spacing out when she was staring at me like that? And then she even started blushing."
"Dunno" Pinkie replied. "She's never acted like that before but I kinda think she's into you."
"Well that's a shame. She's a sweetheart and all but she's not my type. I mean really not my type, as in not my species. I don't swing that way. That's sick."
"Yeah, I'll have to think of a way to tell her that so we can let her down gently. Now let's go get shitfaced!"
"Ha! I've taught you well, Pinkster."
End Chapter 5