My Little Pawny: Fragouts Are Magic
By ANTIcarrot
Based on Friendship is Magic, created by Lauren Faust
And My Little Pony, created by Bonnie Zacherle
Render Unto Hasbro That Which Is Hasbro’s...
Chapter One
Twilight stood, her head silhouetted against the pale blue sky as she frowned down at the ground. She had found a big piece this time, she was sure of it. She delicately dig at the dried mud with a hoof until she caught on something, then bent to examine the spike of sharp metal sticking that was now exposed.
Her horn started to glow, as did the spike, as she gave it an experimental tug. It barely moved. She smiled. Definitely a big piece. She redirected her magic and dirt turned ambulatory as it flowed away from a vaguely star shaped piece of jagged metal. With most of it now exposed she pulled it out of the ground and shook the last of the dirt clear.
Stepping out of the footprint she walked up the slope, avoided a dip containing a nasty smelling pond of water, and jumped into the trench at the top. Quickly passing through the artificial cave, she turned left and emerged into the undisturbed half of The Patch where a full regiment of the Royal Guards had set up the command tents.
Pegasi and carts flew high overhead. While all around her, Guardsponies, Royal Engineers, and other Ministry Investigators examined, dismantled, and sorted. Thoroughly cataloging the mysteries that had arrived with this eight acre Patch of land when it had appeared out of nowhere in the middle of the Everfree Forest.
Twilight ignored the command tents. She really didn’t know why the Guard had bothered. She and the other Ministry ponies had just set up benches in the open near the statue/monument thing. (The other investigators were still arguing over that.) They had been here three days so far. It never rained. The wind never blew. And the sun shone constantly. Even when the trees beyond The Patch’s borders were soaked, or hidden in darkness, or leaning over sideways, within it was always a temperate summer’s day.
That had taken some getting used to, at first. No it no longer bothered her. The Patch was full of much more interesting things to focus on.
Sidestepping several large boxes, full of brass tubes (sorted by size, shape, and markings) Twilight took her scrap of sharp metal to some smaller boxes sitting on her personal bench. Holding the scrap above an examination tray, the unicorn focused her magic and cast Restore. There was a white flash and a snap, as the fragment transformed from a jagged deformed star, into an equally jagged but perfectly formed section of sphere.
Twilight immediately grabbed another dozen pieces and began trying to fit the jigsaw back together. It was like putting an egg back together after someone had stepped on it. A metal egg, but an egg none the less. Twilight had managed to do it six times so far, but there were still hundreds of fragments left over. Twilight suspected she could be here for a week looking for more fragments and not find them all, and another month trying to put them together, and still not get it done.
She spent another five minutes trying before giving up, and letting the large piece settle on top of the fragments. She had a report to file.
A report. To Princess Celestia of Equestria’s Principle Executive Office.
Twilight paused and frowned. She hated having to write to her mentor this way.
From Special Inspector Twilight Sparkle of the Emergency Aftermath Ministry...
And hated that ridiculous title the Ministry had lumbered her with. But a formal report was a formal report. If every investigator, special or otherwise, filed reports however they wished, then sorting the mess out afterwards would take years!
Dear Princess,
I write in response to your questions concerning the sphere fragments found throughout the western half of The Patch. The evidence I’ve gathered supports Commander Silverwing’s theory that there is a pattern to their placement and use. However this entire area seems to have been exposed to extensive sphere usage. While it is clear that the use of the spheres is potentially extremely dangerous, I feel it would be presumptuous to conclude that they are weapons. Fire is dangerous, and yet it has many constructive uses.
I’m sure you’ve had time to examine the physical and magical charts of this area, the reports of the flora, schematics of the strange and bizarre machines, buildings, and furniture that we have found here. And of course, the bodies.
Finally at your request I have personally verified the magical traces atop the building near the gravesite. As we suspected the signature of the one responsible for this anomaly matches my memories exactly, as I’m sure it does your own.
Twilight snorted as she cast her gaze about the warped landscape. As if there had ever been any doubt on that issue...
# # #
“Counter UAV is up! They’re blind!”
Like hell they are! Cpt_John thought sourly, as another sniper round wizzed past overhead. Bloody camper was half a map away and could see him perfectly clearly thank you very much! He was one kill away from an Emergency Airdrop and he did not want to lose that to some damn quick scooping wall hacker!
He hated Wasteland.
He stabbed ESC to bring up the map and looked at the strong red mark in on the edge of the pile of tanks beyond the graveyard. That had to be the sniper. How the hell was he supposed to shoot back at this distance?! He shrugged, and took the opportunity to grab a Pringle while he was stuck in place.
Options: Run? Bad idea. Hacker get’s another magical headshot and another AC-130. Wait for another player to take the hacker out? See above. Wait for hacker to hunt for other targets? Would work, but he had already shot off half a magazine as cover fire. Other enemy players would be homing in on this location, and he couldn’t see everywhere at once. Noobtube and trust to luck? He had a thumper and two rounds, but chances of hitting anything at this range were nonexistent, even with splash damage. Ask for help?
“Anyone care to take out the aimbot near the tanks?” He said into his microphone. Most players turned off sound by default, but it never hurt.
[FCUK]BSG:WIN////: Want to cry about it noob?
Cpt_John frowned and tapped TAB. Yep. Sure enough. Guess who had the highest kill score? And who the hell joins a clan with that idiot name?
Sod it! Cpt_John thought as he switched to the thumper. Tanker tactics. Shoot. Hide. Move. Shoot. Hide. Run the hell away!
He scuttled sideways, stood, shoot in roughly the right direction, ducked just in time to avoid a headshot. He scuttled sideways, reloaded, stood and shoot. Ducked, moved to the sides, switched back to his beloved M4 - and then fell over dead. The screen switched to killcam, and the sound of a breath being sucked in.
“Bloody lag,” Cpt_John muttered. Quietly, making sure that talk was off. “Bloody tachyon pistols at bloody dawn my bloody arse.”
He watched in slow motion as the scope jerked three meters left to put the crosshairs centre in his torso with not even a slightest bit of overshoot. Then there was a pause. A noticeable pause by twitch-game standards, and the sniper finally fired. He was dead, and money was exploding out of his back before he even fired his own thumper. Typical. Bloody typic...
What was that?
On the very left of the sniper scope he could see the overgrown monument on the sniper’s side of the wall. Something had just stuck it’s head out from behind the stonework. It looked at the Capt_Tara’s dying body, then at the sniper, then back at the falling body. Then it grinned, stepped out, grabbed it’s chest and fell over in a comical example of bad acting. It sat back up, grinned, and pointed to itself, then it’s eye, then the sniper, and held up two fingers in a V for Victory sign. Then it waved.
Cpt_John stared. What the hell was that?! It looked toonish. Like it wasn’t even rendered using the MW2 engine. It wasn't like he hadn’t played hacked games sometimes. NeverEnding on Highrise. Hide&Seek in Terminal. Big Team Deathmatch in Rust with Gungame. Big Team Deathmatch in Rust with a Gungame mod was completely insane! Especially with AC-130s! But he’d never seen anything like this.
It almost looked like some kind of brown chinese dragon with...
He respawned.
He blinked. Worry about it later. He was... Near the sniper houses on the west edge of the map. Suddenly a soldier ran in front of him with a red tag above his head. Cpt_John grinned. He loved karma... He lined up, aimed carefully down his sights, and held down the left mouse button for half a magazine.
The enemy player disappeared behind the muzzle flash, then reappeared as they sidestepped, firing back with akimbo P90s spraying all over the place. Cpt_John jumped and ducked sideways rapidly, shooting back the rest of his magazine in the soldier’s direction, hoping that dumb luck and lag might help him dodge like it had the enemy player.
They both emptied their magazine about the same time. Cpt_John took the opportunity to duck behind a building, drop a claymore mine, and then lie down facing the other way. Sure enough the enemy player was smart and tried to flank rather than follow him. (But didn’t throw a flashbang, so not too smart, Cpt_John noted.) As he appeared out of the doorway he stepped right into Cpt_John’s sights, and he simply held down the trigger.
It didn’t work. It didn’t bloody work! For pity’s sake... The other player danced sideways, and emptied his guns into Cpt_John in turn. Which also didn’t work. Both players gave up on shooting and tried to Commando rush each other. Cpt_John saw his own knife pass through the other player again and again as they both tried to frantically stab each other.
After a few moments Cpt_John began to laugh. They were practically dancing! If only he could record this it would be a great youtube video. Maybe set to some Disney music? What was that song? La da daaa, da da da da, da da da da daaaaaa? Something or other...
He stood still. Let the other payer stab him repeatedly. This game was seriously FUBARed and he was probably going to get a host stack error in the next few seconds. Speaking of which who was the host?
The score screen appeared before his eyes as the other player kept trying to stab him.
Wait, that couldn’t be right. Everyone had ten bars? That made no sense! You’d be lucky to get that at a LAN party, not an online match!
//M.A.D//Pitbull: lag
Tspliters: LAGGY
N00BT00BR: Host leafe
Xanxanxx: BG
RottyPawnz: Laaaaaaaaaaaaag
Tsplitters: LEAVEGAM HOST
[FCUK]BSG:WIN////: hacked game
Oh the irony, Cpt_John thought before added his own 'voice'.
Cpt_John: Bad game. Host leave.
Oh screw this. I’ve got better thing to do with my time.
Cpt_John looked down to aim for the ESC key, and leave the game. Except he didn’t see a desk and keyboard. All he could see was a pair of arms holding a rifle, a suddenly heavy rifle, and he could feel water from soggy grass seep into his boots.
His mind went blank, before he not only saw words appear within his vision, but also heard a voice speaking them inside his head.
Discord: Oh but don’t you like me? I like you! Why humans are almost my favorite species.
Everything went white, and then he was standing in a different part of the map, the eastern tip of the ridge, near the car wrecks, facing the north bunker entrance. Everyone else was standing there. Only they didn’t look like models anymore. Eyes and lips moved as they all glanced around uncertainly. Cloth folded, and arms and legs no longer intersected when they moved. Buckles and weapons gently clinked as they shifted.
...
...
...
Discord: What a lovely game you have here! I hope you don’t mind, but I just had to make a few improvements. And these are just the first of my changes...
There was another flash of white light behind them.
Every single player turned as one in that direction.
Now if you wish, you may accuse MW2 players of being uncivilized, uncouth, unimaginative, and unintelligent - but never ever accuse them of having poor reflexes, or bad aim. Within a fraction of a second rifles, hand guns, rocket launchers, light machine guns, and sniper rifles were being emptied into the long slender creature lying atop the burnt out house.
Two of the players even scored perfect headshots. It would later come as no surprise to anyone that [FCUK]BSG:WIN//// had been one of them, despite facing in the exact opposite direction one second earlier.
Or at least they would both have scored perfect headshots if all the bullets, grenades, and RPGs hadn’t stopped just short of the creature’s body. The players didn’t stop, emptying magazine after magazine into the stationary target, which gradually disappeared behind an opaque cloud of lead and copper jackets.
One by one they all ran dry, and stood there, staring, running on reflexes, uncertain what to do next. Shooting worked. Shooting had always worked before.
There was a deep and hearty chuckle, such as might be issued by an evil father christmas, and all the players found their guns jerked up, as all the bullets came back towards them - only to vanish back inside their individual barrels.
Discord: Oh trust me, you don’t want to waste them on me. In fact... Oh that’s a simply marvelous idea!
The creature waved its hand and there was another flash, and the guns jumped. They felt, lighter somehow?
Discord: In fact you’ll almost certainly need a lot more! So have as many as you wish. Oh I’m just so going to enjoy your visit!
# # #
A request for Information, for Special Inspector Twilight Sparkle of the Emergency Aftermath Ministry
My most Faithful ‘Special Inspector’,
I must thank you once again for agreeing to help the Ministry with this investigation. In the aftermath of Discord’s vandalism, locating and correcting the last pockets of his disruptiveness is as vital a task as rebuilding and counseling was several months ago, and it pleases me greatly that I have been able to entrust you with this duty.
I am saddened to learn of the deaths caused by Discord’s meddling on this occasion. Any information on the events immediately prior to their arrival, or their death, would be greatly appreciated.
Finally, I would ask you to check on my sister, Princess Luna. She has regained much of her former strength and wisdom since you first meet her. Nightmare Moon is long gone. However she still has much to learn in the way of balance. She always had a tendency to devote herself to a task and exclude all else, sometimes to her detriment. Not unlike another certain unicorn I could think of.
Twilight blushed, then giggled. The Princess knew her well.
The artifacts of The Patch may represent an irresistible lure to her. I ask that you be her friend and ensure she remembers that there is still a world outside the strangeness found within the Everfree Forest. I have mentioned you often over the past year and I believe you’ll find you have a lot in common.
A Major directed her towards the ‘pentagon hut’. Literally a strangely curved metal hut sitting on wheels, with a tail, and with five long planks sticking out of the top, forming a pentagon. Nopony had the slightest clue what it did, but a pegasus had discovered an immense amount of clockwork just in front of the hub where the planks joined the hut roof.
Twilight knew it was exactly the kind of thing Luna would be interested in. Mostly because it was exactly the kind of thing she wanted to have a look at too, and would have if she had wings herself. When she got there though, she was told that Luna had already left, and was waved back in the general direction of where she had just come.
Sighing, Twilight turned back, and was trotting along a bone dry trench (within a minute's trot of rain-soaked grass - yet more evidence The Patch was an area of strangeness even by Everfree Forest standards) when she saw a familiar sight.
“Professor Fields? Are you alright sir?”
Professor Author Fields was a rather elderly earth pony, and an expert on military history. Manehatten University had placed him in charge of the whole site, partly due to his tenure and experience in dealing with experts, but mostly for his extensive knowledge of military procedure from his service in the Royal Guard. It had been felt he would be the best pony for the job of ensuring that every pony was able to work together in a manner that most befit his or her responsibilities.
Then they had actually gotten to the site.
“Ah, Miss Sparkle. Could be better. Could be better. How are you... Oh. Oh dear!”
The stallion tried to turn and smile in her direction, before turning very pale and stumbling.
“Professor!” Twilight exclaimed as she moved to catch his fall. “You know this area makes ponies sick! And you know it affects some of us more than others!”
Twilight cast a quick healing spell on him before he could object, which he would have. The problem with some ponies, especially ex Royal Guard ponies, was that they didn’t know when to quit. Twilight had learned to regard Fields as a cross of Applejack’s mental stubbornness with Grannysmith’s medical constitution.
“Thank you Twilight. I do feel a little better now.”
“Not for long you won’t, you’ll need to see Luna for a proper treatment. I need to see Luna every eight hours or so. So do the Guards. You know you need to see her more often that that!”
“Now Miss Sparkle there’s no need to lecture me. I was just on my way to see her right now.”
“Well so was I. I’ll just accompany you there shall I?”
Fields humphed.
“I feel molly coddled.”
“Better that than feeling ill.”
“Well come on then,” Fields said as he began to walk. “I’m told she’s examining the number five mechanism.”
“The number five?” Twilight’s eyes widened in surprise. “Really? I thought that was being left alone. Celestia knows why it wasn’t destroyed like all the others.”
“No one told you?”
“Told me what?”
“What happened here? It’s fairly obvious if you know what to look for...” Fields waited for a moment before continuing. “The battle was fought on the other side of the Patch, starting in the north-west quadrant and moving steadily southwards. It never touched the north-east corner.”
“Oh I know that professor. I’ve been finding and digging up all the bits and pieces you’ve based that on. I’m just surprised that anyone is looking at it at all. It’s dangerous!”
“Well we have been spending several days taking the first four apart. It’s only because of that experience that we suddenly realized we had a fifth example after all. And yes it is dangerous. It can chew through stone, at a distance no less, which is also why we took the decision to move it. This area is littered with mechanical achievements we can barely recognize, let alone understand. The race that created them obviously had an understanding of levers and clockwork that vastly exceeds our own, possible by several centuries. But almost all of it has rusted.
“By contrast, the fifth mechanism shines brightly! It is imperative that we get it under cover before it begins to succumb to whatever destroyed everything else. Possibly the same thing that makes us all ill. Princess Luna requested permission to move it this afternoon, and I agreed, as long as she was there personally to ensure everypony’s safety.”
As the passed a burnt out building Twilight looked up at the roof; where Discord’s presence lingered strongest.
“I wonder who they were? Poor things.”
“Hmm?”
“The beings that Discord abducted. Imagine things from their perspective. Being dragged here against your will, and suddenly dumped into the harsh and violent place like the Everfree Forest? They were obviously a race of craftsponies.... Well, you know what I mean. They couldn’t possibly have been prepared for this. What must things have been like for them?”
# # #
The dragon thing suddenly leapt into the air and threw his (her?) arms wide in excitement.
“Welcome everypony, ha ha, to the Magical Land of Equestria!”
The what? Cpt_John wondered, as he at once heard the creature speak and say the words appear in his bottom left hand vision.
“Now I’m sure you’ll find it a tad boring at first, but have no fear, I promise I’ll be making lots of improvements to spice things up for everyone!” Then the creature leaned forwards and shot towards them. “And you are all one of the first!”
“Who the hell are you?” Asked a thick russian accent.
Cpt_John turned to see a russian soldier step forward.
“I? I am Discord! The evil and malevolent spirit of Disharmony! And your new best friend!” The thing’s head moved back and forth expectantly. “Now, go. Shoo. Do your thing. Fight and kill each other. Like you always do.”
“No.” This time Cpt_John was surprised to hear his own voice. The russian trooper glanced at him. Cpt_John glanced back, then at the other players. How come no one else was speaking? Well, fine... He look at the creature again. “Send us back.”
“Not going to happen,” Discord said dismissively. “Now I know how disharmonious you like being. You’ve made a hobby of it. A fine art even. Some of it impresses even me! And that’s no small feat! All I’m asking for you to do is to just turn professional. Is that too much to ask?”
Tspliters: If we’re turning pro where are the cheerleaders?
“Piss off,” Cpt_John answered. He could probably have put that better, but, you know...
“Yeah. What the yank said,” The russian added. “We’re noobs and hackers and cheaters and laggers. But we ain’t no psychos. We ain’t going to shoot each other for real.”
British you muppet! Cpt_John thought sourly. Then again the other player probably didn’t look like a member of spetsnaz in real life, and probably might not sound like one either. God knows what he himself looked and sounded like now...
Discord waved a hand and sighed melodramatically.
“Oh.... Fine! If you refuse to fight without reason then I’ll just have to give you one!”
Discord swooped down again and was suddenly nose to nose with the two of them. Cpt_John for his part stepped backwards. Screw bravery! This thing was bigger than he was, could fly, and was immune to bullets. He’d take a step backwards if he wanted to!
It grinned, suddenly, evilly.
“But you may find yourselves wishing that you had taken the Valhalla option.”
There was another bright flash of white light and it disappeared.