The Wheel and the Butterfly
A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga
Part 2 Dan Vs. Pinkie Pie
Chapter 9 Chris Vs. Boredom
-ooooooo-
Elise clawed at the headset on her ears in frustration. A useless gesture since she was still fully suited up in her Hazmat suit.
What the heck was that?!
Elise sighed, her theory pretty much a smoking ruin at this point. She had bugged Chris’s clothing before he left this morning. A small wireless microphone and a much larger receiver and transmitter planted in the car made spying on him, or more importantly, those around him, rather easy.
‘Pinkie Pie’ and her sudden arrival is suspicious, that’s for sure. If she wanted to harm Dan, she could have done it easily by now.
She could be after me…wouldn’t be the first time an enemy agent targeted me.
Still, if she wanted me dead, she probably would have done it, already. I mean, in this scenario she’s already got enough intel to befriend Chris. She could’ve discreetly used him to get close enough to me to steal something…
Though, ‘discreet’ doesn’t seem to be in her vocabulary. Not after she made such a mess at ‘Lenny’s’, I can’t even believe she’s a spy at this point…
…
Oh well. It’s actually a relief going back to thinking no enemy agencies knew enough about me to also know about Chris.
She turned back to the device with the large radioactive symbol printed on it. Maybe she could finish early enough to invite everyone for a late dinner and she could see for herself what this Pinkie was like.
-ooooo-
Chris rested his chin on his hand with a bored expression plastered across his face, his body slouching on a bench.
His silent prayer that the day return to some degree of normalcy had been answered, but…
Well…
Be careful of what you wish for.
…
WHY?
WHY, GOD, WHY?!
Pinkie emerged from the dressing rooms wearing a light pink raglan with slightly darker pink sleeves, loose, blue suspenders hanging over dark pink shorts with light pink highlights, yellow-and-blue striped stockings and red sneakers.
“How does this look, Chris?” Pinkie asked, blue eyes beaming with a smile to match all framed by curly pink hair and a white bandage across her forehead.
Chris plastered on a fake smile, “It looks great, Pinkie!”
Pinkie brought her clenched hands together in under her chin with a huge smile, turned back into the dressing room, and bounded out of site.
Chris heard a startled “Whaaah”, a crash, and a familiar “I’m ooooookaaaay.”
…Please God.
ANYTHING!
ANYONE!
Just SAVE me from…
Chris’s phone rang and in a flash he clicked the “Talk” icon and held his phone up to his ear.
“DAN! Thank GOD you called.”
There was a pause.
“Chris, please.” Dan requested, not used to an enthusiastic Chris on the other line.
“Haha”, Chris said sarcastically. “You’ve GOT to help me! She’s taken me…” Chris brought the phone in extra close, put on a panicked expression, and whispered into the phone. “…clothes shopping.”
Pinkie appeared once more, while Chris instinctively put back on his mask of enjoyment.
“And this?” Pinkie asked. This time in a simple pink and red floral design shirt and cutoff jeans.
“It looks great, Pinkie!” He said, perfectly matching tone and cadence of his last “It looks great, Pinkie!”, and the one before that, and the one before that…
…and the one before that.
Pinkie smiled wide, and trotted back out of sight.
“Chris? Stay with me, buddy. We’re going to get through this together.” Dan said, a touch of concern in his voice. “Anyhow,” Dan added, “She needs a new outfit. She dresses like a high schooler who escaped from a school where everyone is forced to wear colorful clothing at gunpoint.”
“She’s not getting ‘a new outfit’, Dan! She’s getting…” Chris brought the phone in extra close, put on a panicked expression, and whispered into the phone, his voice little more than a raspy, hollow version, of his old voice, once so full of hope and life “…a collection of outfits.” Chris’s voice broke into quiet, muffled, sobs.
“You mean a ‘collection of a single outfit’, right?” Dan asked in disbelief.
“N….na…no…” Chris whispered in his low, hollow voice. “She’s getting…” Chris started tearing up"…getting…”Chris swallowed hard “…more than one outfit.”
Pinkie Pie appeared again.
“Chris! Chris! How’s this one look?”
“It looks great, Pinkie!”
“…you didn’t actually look up.”
Through chipping away at his expression like a stone cutter chipping at granite, Chris’s expression changed to a tortured smile and he looked up.
Pinkie was wearing a simple pink dress, a denim jacket, and some blue flats.
“It looks great, Pinkie!”
“Awww, thanks!” Pinkie said smiling, bounding off to the back again.
“Help me Dan…help me!”
“Stay with me buddy, I’ll find you. Which store are you in.”
“Boredstrom’s,” Chris said, a hint of his old tone in his voice.
There was a sound of laughter on the other end. “Niiiice one buddy. I think that deserves an ‘oh, snap!’”
Some color returned to Chris’s fate. “Dan, I’m trying to use humor to keep my spirits up, but I’m breaking. God help me, I’m breaking!”
“I’ll be there shortly,” Dan said.
“Let me guess,” Chris said, “You need to beat up someone who works at the mall and wear their clothing so you can discreetly keep an eye on ‘Pinkie Pie’ for your revenge scheme?” Chris said, his voice returning to his normal ‘annoyed with Dan’ tone.”
“…You are so juvenile, you know that?” Dan answered. “She invited me here! Why would I need to disguise myself if she asked me to come?”
Chris brought his palm up to his face and dragged it downwards. “Riiiiight. What was I thinking? So you’re giving up on vengeance then?”
“NEVER! I’ve just decided to call a little truce for now, that’s all.”
“Dan, I really think you should just give…”
Pinkie popped into view again, wearing a red and white striped, long-sleeved shirt, short denim shorts, and pink sneakers.
“Ooooh, Chriiiiiisss~” She called.
“It looks great, Pinkie!” Chris said, his tone rampaging like a wild animal, neck violently spasming with every word.
Pinkie giggled, and bounded back to the dressing room with a “tr la la la la”.
Chris huddled over his phone, violently shaking. “Dan?” he said in a voice of pure, unadulterated terror, “What if she starts changing her outfit every year…WHAT IF SHE CHANGES HER OUTFIT EVERY MONTH!?” Panic gripped Chris’s heart like the reaper plucking a soul from the mortal coil. He murmured into the phone, “It’s too late for me, buddy. Tell my wife I love her…and ice cream…but mostly her.” Chris spun around to find the nearest window to throw himself out of, but something caught his eye.
Dan was standing a few feet in front of him.
Chris terminated the call. “How long have you been there?” he asked flatly.
Dan looked up to the ceiling for a second, tapping his chin with his index finger. “‘What was I thinking?’” he answered, returning his gaze to Chris.
“What took you so long, anyways?” Chris demanded, angrily leveling a finger at Dan.
“I had to find your car, and…why am I on trial here?!” Dan asked, agitated.
“Sorry Dan.” Chris’s voice softened to an even tone. “Can you blame me? I’ve been stuck here in the Twilight Zone where picking out outfits”--Chris stressed the ‘s’ as hard as he could—“is a thing, plus there was the whole ordeal at ‘Lenny’s’.”
Dan’s smile grew wide, “Which I had nothing to do with! Wasn’t it great?”
“But you…” Chris paused. Dan was right. Dan’s only oddball behavior was assaulting a mascot a few blocks away and showing up dressed in formal wear.
For once, there was a commotion that Dan had nothing to do with.
Pinkie had singlehandedly caused three separate incidents at the restaurant ending with the three of them fleeing the scene of the crime.
That’s it.
She is the antilife.
She will consume this planet in Hellfire and we are all doomed to dance her twisted dance to her off-beat drum until she tires of us!
I need an escape.
I need an out.
Pinkie popped into view wearing a short sleeved button-up white shirt covered by a blue sweater vest, cut-off jeans, rainbow colored leg warmers, and red flats.
“OK, now be honest, I have a goo…DAN!” Pinkie took a running jump and tackle-hugged Dan to the ground, whose back responded with a crack and whose voice responded with a “Ghhak!”
Chris couldn’t take it. He turned and fled to the window. The closer he got to the window, the freer he felt. The world outside shone like the brightest freedom he had never known. A comfort beyond this dingy world with its girls who purchase multiple ensembles and attack waitresses with sugary, syrupy beverages. His expression changed to that of serene joy.
He didn’t belong to the world anymore.
He belonged to the world of light.
This thin sheet of glass…nay…this tall, pudgy body would not trap his soul any longer.
He leapt.
Leapt into the open, outstretched arms of pure freedom and bliss.
Glass shattered around him, catching rays of sunlight that hit him from all angles. Turning the world into thousands and thousands points of light.
As he the ground rushed to meet him, his last thoughts were…
I’m finally home.
-o-
“Uhhhh…” Pinkie looked down at Chris who had curled into the fetal position on the carpet, started staring blankly into space and chanting “Pink, fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows!” over and over again with a twisted smile on his face.
“Is he okay?” Pinkie asked Dan with concern.
Dan lifted his foot and poked Chris with the point of his shoe.
Chris simply rocked back in forth in response.
Dan shrugged. “He’ll be fine.” he answered. He looked back up at Pinkie and smiled. “You look great, by the way!”
“REALLY?!” Pinkie said, her face lit up with a shining smile.
“Really, really.” Dan answered. “Professional looking from the waist up, but fun and quirky going the other direction,”
Pinkie beamed.
“…But if you tell anyone I just made a Shrek reference, I’ll suffocate you in your sleep.” Dan added informatively.
“What’s a ‘Shrek’?”
“Never mind.” Dan rocked back and forth on his heels. “Any more?”
“Nope!” Pinkie said, shaking her head. “All done-runnery-run!”
Chris suddenly came to his senses, sprung to his feat “Oh, COME ON!” He said throwing both his hands out in a Pinkie Pieish direction.
“Chris buddy! So nice of you to join us!” Dan said, happily.
“Yeah…I kinda went somewhere for a moment…” Chris said, his sentence and vision trailing off into space.
“Yes, that was very rude,” Dan said sternly.
“You feeling alright, Chris?” Pinkie inquired with a touch of concern in her voice.
“FINE!” Chris insisted sharply, his head twitching slightly. “Everything is just fine!” He forced a smile to grow on his face like mold slowly gaining a foothold on a loaf of bread.
Pinkie smiled, relieved. “Okie-dokie-lokie! Let me just change back into what I was…”
Chris slowly turned his head to look out the window, the light shining through it seductively.
Dan put his hand on Pinkie’s shoulder. “I think you should just wear this out of the store.” he said with a smile.
For perhaps the first time in his life, Chris thanked God, any other deities listening, and just the universe in general that Dan existed.
“You can DO that?” Pinkie asked excitedly.
Dan patted Pinkie’s back for store tags. With a little “Eek” from Pinkie, pulled each one off her clothing, and handed her the little pile of cardboard slips.
Pinkie graciously took the pile. “Thank you, Dan.” she said happily. “Oh!” Pinkie Pie wiped out her camera, scotched close into Dan and snapped a photo of the two, Dan actually cracking a smile for the camera.
“Welp! I guess I should go pay, then.” Pinkie said, motioning to two shopping carts full of shirts, skirts, dresses, socks, shoes, etc…
Dan looked amazed. “You’re buying all this?”
“Yep…why? Is there something wrong with that?” Pinkie asked, wondering if she was unwittingly committing some strange form of taboo on this world.
Chris bended down and whispered in Dan’s ear, “She’ll be the end of us all, she’s the seventh seal. She has become death, destroyer of worlds.”
Dan narrowed his eyes. “Time.” he said, putting his arms around Chris and walking him a few feet further from Pinkie Pie.
Chris blinked. “What?”
“J. Robert Oppenheimer mistranslated the line. It’s more accurate to say ‘time’ instead of ‘death.’” Dan sad informatively, but annoyed.
Chris stood up. “No kidding..? What was he quoting?”
Dan threw his hands up in the air, “I DON’T KNOW! Some Indian rock band, or something…Look…” Dan said, abruptly changing the subject. “…You want to get out of this alive, right?”
Chris glanced at the window and started sweating profusely. “Yes. That is a thing I would like very much.”
“Good,” Dan replied. He pointed towards the mall entrance of the store. “See that caramel corn stand?”
“Yes, I see it,” Chris replied.
Dan grabbed Chris by both shoulders and pulled him closer to his face, making sure Chris’s undivided attention was on him.
“You’re going to go over there, buy two bags of caramel corn, meet us at the register, and give one of the bags to me,” Dan said.
“And the caramel corn will keep us alive?!” Chris said, smiling, hope finally reentering the fragmented shell he called ‘existence’.
“I guarantee it, buddy,” Dan said encouragingly.
Chris stood up. “Bless you Dan.” he said, turning towards the caramel corn shop, tears in his eyes. “Bless you,” he added with a whisper.
Dan turned back to look at Pinkie, who seemed pensive as she absentmindedly played with the hem of her shirt. A sign Dan was starting to recognize as her ‘I’m not sure what I should be doing now’ move.
“Here,” Dan said, going up to one of the carts, “let me help you bring this to the register.”
Pinkie’s smile returned as quickly as it left, and she led the way to the nearest register.
A blond, light-skinned, female cashier looked up at the two carts presented in front of her. “I...I…”she stammered. “M…Miss, are you buying all this?”
“Yepie-depie-lepie!” Pinke answered enthusiastically.
“Early Christmas shopping?”
“What’s ‘Christmas’?”
“Hanukah.”
“What’s ‘Hanukah’?”
The cashier looked Pinkie up and down. It was a long shot, but…
“Kwanzaa?” The cashier asked, gulping.
“What’s…”
Dan interrupted, putting a hand on Pinkie’s shoulder and motioning to her with his other hand, “My friend here would like to purchase all these clothes for herself…to wear.”
“Did you just call me ‘friend’?” Pinkie said, a hopeful look on her face, her heart skipping a beat.
The cashier froze in place, looking at the cart Pinkie had pushed up.
“Yeah, but don’t let it go to your head, or I’ll have to demote you to ‘associate’,” Dan said with a wry grin.
Pinkie enthusiastically shook her head. “I won’t, Dan!”
Dan looked back at the cashier, “Clothes! Scan, NOW!”
“I…yes…of course sir…ma’am. Right away.”
The cashier began scanning items, breaking into sobs that wracked her body by the time she rung up enough clothing to make three different outfits.
“Cindy?” a dark complexioned man called from a few isles down. He approached the register.
“Oh, Robert! This woman is purchasing all this clothing….FOR HERSELF!”
“What?! But…”
“Dan, if I’m doing something wrong….”
“NO!” Dan insisted, “You are the customer and the customer is always right. You have every right to buy this clothing!” Dan looked at the cashiers. “Doesn’t she?”
Robert stood up straight. “Yes. Yes you’re right. It’s our duty as cashiers to make sure she’s happy with her purchase.”
Chris returned with two huge bags of caramel corn.
“Chris! Perfect timing! It’s starting to get good!”
Chris looked over the mounds of clothing still needing to be purchased, stuck a hand into his bag of caramel corn, and shoved a giant handful into his mouth.
“Oh, Robert!” Cindy said, embracing Robert tightly, one foot in the air. “You’ve restored my drive as a clothing store cashier.”
“Yes Cindy.” Robert said, smiling warmly. “Let’s ring her up, together.”
The couple managed to scan all the items, slowly losing their pace, buckling under the mental strain of the concept of a girl who would wear more than a single outfit, but they reached the end. They had…
Dan chewed a mouthful of caramel corn, and pushed up the second cart. “This one, too.”
Little by little, a crowd of store employees and customers, most of whom with stacks and stacks of identical articles of clothing, gathered around the scene in front of them.
Robert broke down into a heap of tears, “I can’t do it. I can’t go on. I just can’t.”
Pinkie’s lower lip quibbled. “I can put stuff back, if…”
“NO!” Dan insisted, putting an arm around the slightly taller woman’s shoulders. He looked back to the cashiers. “This woman can purchase anything she wants, HOW she wants. It’s not up to us to dictate how she can and can’t buy her clothing.”
Cindy embraced Robert tightly. “Come on Robert!” she said through, sobs of her own. “It’s you and me against the world. We’ll get through this together, or die trying.”
Robert broke into tortured wailing, “I’M SORRY, CINDY! I CAN’T BE THE MAN YOU NEED ME TO BE!”
“What in Sam Hill is going on here?!” A muscular man with brown, slicked back hair, a mustache, wearing a white shirt and a black tie and a name tag that said ‘Frank’ walked up.
“Ah, good day sir.” Dan said politely, handing his bag of caramel corn to Pinkie, who took a few handfuls in to her mouth.
“Hmmmmm! Tasty!” Pinkie said, enjoying the sugary snack.
Chris was already halfway through his own bag, eating at a fevered pace.
“My friend here would like to purchase all this clothing.” Dan said, motioning to the items scanned and bagged and the items in cart #2. “To wear…for herself.”
Cindy and Robert broke into a heap of tears and clung to each other desperately.
Frank put his, big, stern hands on their shoulders.
“Take a break you, two. You’ve done enough.”
Robert and Cindy looked up. “But…SIR..!” Robert began.
Frank shook his head from side to side. “I’m sorry solider. Training…” he trailed off for a second, picking his word. “Training doesn’t always prepare us for the real world, and sometimes even surviving multiple ‘Black Fridays’ isn’t enough when all we thought we knew about the world is called into question.” Frank sighed, his heavy shoulders heaving as if taking the weight of the world on them. “Take a break.”
Cindy and Robert looked at each other, exchanged a longing glance, and stood up.
“No sir.” Robert said, defiantly.
“I SAID TAKE A BREAK, SOLDIER! THAT’S AN ORDER!”
Cindy spoke up, “We can’t sir. We can’t have our love tarnished knowing we left you to die at the register.” Cindy took a shirt…
…AND SCANNED IT.
Pinkie and Dan where now freely sharing a bag of caramel corn, she leaned closer to Dan and whispered “This is getting REALLY good!” Pointing to the cashiers.
Dan smiled, and took another handful of caramel corn.
Frank teared up a bit, and patted both cashiers on the shoulder.
“You two are the best soldiers I’ve ever had in my command. Alright, we fight together, we DIE together. If we don’t make it through this, I’ll see you both in Raghalla.”
There was cheers and crying from the crowd, the manager and his two cashiers fought bravely, scanning item after item, removing hangers, and security tags. A seemingly endless pile of clothing stood against them, but at the end of the day, the clothes where found wanting, and conveniently bagged for taking to the car.
“Anything else, miss?” Frank asked, exhausted, out of breath, but alive, so very alive.
“OH!” Pinkie exclaimed looking down at her cart. She reached down and produced a sizeable pile of colorful fashion jewelry. “This, too! It’ll be great to accessorize.”
The crowd gasped.
Robert cracked. “NO! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!” He sprinted to the window, and threw his body through it with a blood curdling scream, the sound of shattering glass cutting deeply into the tense air.
Cindy fell under the onslaught as well. “No Robert! TAKE ME WITH YOU!” Cindy cried, diving through the hole Robert had left in the window. A hole she couldn’t bear to have in her heart.
Pinkie Pie turned to the broken window shocked. “Maybe I should just go…”she started.
Dan opened his mouth to speak, but was silenced by Frank putting a large, stubby finger within a few inches of Dan’s mouth.
“No.” Frank said, looking at Pinkie. “They were good soldiers, the BEST even, but they knew the risks when they enlisted.” Frank looked back at his staff who had started to cry at the tragic loss of their co-workers. “We hold the line here. We will NOT let Cindy and Robert die in vain! Are you with me?”
A dark complexioned woman with brown, curly hair stepped up. “Do the job, sir.”
Frank, began ringing bracelets, necklaces, rings with hearts on them, and items of all different shapes in colors. Other employees would walk up to bag, some falling in duty and being dragged off to the side, only to be replaced by the next worker.
Eventually, the jewelry was all bagged, and added to the carts with the other articles of clothing.
Frank, huffed, his mouth dry, his muscles aching. “Any…anything, else?” he asked.
“Nopie-dopie-dope!” Pinkie happily produced her wallet. “OH! I almost forgot.”
Dan and Chris inhaled handfuls of caramel corn, their eyes transfixed on the drama in front of them.
Pinkie produced a small collection of store tags. “These are what I’m wearing now!”
Frank looked at them in shook. “That’s…that’s not what you were wearing when you first got dressed, today?”
“Nope! Dan said it looked so good I should just wear it out of the store!” Pinkie said sweetly. “Good thing, too! I was starting to get tired of wearing the same thing I was wearing last night.”
In the crowd, people fainted, screamed, and rushed children towards emergency exits, pushing each other in an effort to get away. Clothing displays tumbled, mannequins fell to the ground…
Pinkie stared confusedly at the carnage unfolding in front of her.
Dan and Chris devoured their caramel corn.
Frank threw up his arms for silence. “HOLD RANKS!” he yelled in a booming voice. His retail store workers, the ones still standing, obediently complied.
“And how often are you going to wear something new? Yearly...” he gulped, his grim face darkened by the horrors he had witnessed that day… “Monthly?”
Pinkie Pie giggled, “Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!”
Frank’s expression softened.
“I’ll probably pick something new every day!”
Panicked screaming gripped the ranks, but against all odds, with a scream of “I SAID HOLD THE RANKS.” The line held.
“DAN!” Chris said in a panicked desperation, “I’m out of popcorn!”
Dan handed Chris what was left of his bag. “Hang in there buddy.” Dan said reassuringly. “We’re almost through this.”
Chris took the bag of caramel corn and buried his head in it as if he was eating from a feed bag.
Pinkie’s eyes confusingly darted from side to side… “So…how much?” She said, holding up her wallet.
Frank reached down and clasped Pinkie’s hands over her wallet, he looked deep into her blue eyes, the color of the sky, the color of the heavens, and said, “Nothing. The clothes are yours. Keep them and…remember us…remember how bravely we fought.”
“Ummm…thanks? And…sure?” Pinkie said, having lost complete track of anything that was going on at this point.
Frank turned to his troops. “I’m sorry, but…it’s over. In our hubris we thought we could play with the gods’ fire. But we got burnt.” Workers at the store began to weep openly. “We all have told our little lies to ourselves, that we weren’t doing anything wrong, that WE were simply catering to as many people as possible, but this woman…no, ANGEL has come to show us our folly. We were fools. Prideful, sinful fools to think we could control what we had unleashed on the world.” Frank wiped a tear from his eye.
“Burn it down.”
“Burn it all down.”
“Don’t let our mistake corrupt the world. We opened Pandora’s Box, we can’t close it…but maybe we can just hold it back…even for just a little while.”
Pinkie leaned in close to Dan. “Dan…can you help explain what’s going on? I’m really starting to freak out and…”
Frank put his, large, heavy hands on Pinkie’s shoulder. “Go. Don’t you understand? You’re our ‘hope’. Take your bounty of apparel and leave us to our fate.” Frank began to weep openly, “I’m sorry but…erm…”
“Pinkie Pie.”
“…Pinkie Pie. Yes, of course, such a…heavenly name.” The screams and flames behind Frank rose high, beginning to consume everything. “I’m sorry but…we’re not ready to live in the glorious world you do. We’re not worthy. But…thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing it with us.”
“Yoooou’re…welcome?” Pinkie said with a confused smile.
Frank felt his heart melt with Pinkie’s words.
Maybe there is still a spot for me in heaven after all…
Frank turned to the roaring fire, and walked into the flames.
Never to be seen or heard from again.
“Dan…Did that man just…”
Chris had finished the caramel corn from the bag and was now desperately trying to lick any sugary residue left inside.
“Yeah, we should probably go…” Dan said pushing a cart with one hand and grabbing Chris with the other.
Pinkie grabbed the other cart and exited the store, the three putting some distance between them and the blaze, the firefighters, and the mass of onlookers.
Pinkie’s heart felt very heavy in her chest as she desperately tried to comprehend what had just taken place. Tears welled up in her eyes and she felt she would collapse into a bottomless pit of tears and sadness.
Dan put his hands on her shoulders and got her to make eye contact with him. “Don’t cry Pinkie. If it makes you feel better, stuff like this happens all the time when Chris and I go to the mall.”
Pinkie held the dam of tears and sadness at bay. “Really?”
“WHAT?! No Dan, no it does…” Chris stopped himself, thought for a second, remembering Christmases working with Dan, and just trips to buy a few things. He sighed slouching his shoulders and plastered an ‘I give up’ expression on his face. “Actually, yes, Pinkie. Something like this pretty much happens every time Dan and I go to the mall.”
Pinkie Pie wiped her tears, and resurrected a smile onto her face.
She did, in fact, feel a little better.