//------------------------------// // The Guard cum for a visit // Story: Warhammer vs Horse // by Fiddlesworth the bear //------------------------------// The guard fleet were traveling through the warp when something strange happened. Suddenly the warp spat them out in the middle of an extremely colorful and horse (tyranid) looking planet. The commissar just got done mainlining a box of heroin so he was in an amazing mood. “BY THE EMPEROR’S SOCKS THERE’S TYRANIDS EVERYWHERE!!1!1!1!1!111” Commissar Richard S said. “Release the regiment!”. Then suddenly the back port of the ship opened up and the entire regiment jumped out of the ship which was still in orbit. About 5,000 of the troops burned up in the atmosphere, 3,000 died from the hard landing, and only 1,500 survived from hitting the water. The last 500 almost survived but drowned. “Gosh what a darn tootin wonderful spankin country ass day!” Apple jackal dick said, and just seconds after a las round pierced her skull and steaming greymatter flew all over twilight sprinkles asshole. “WITNESS YOUR DOOM!!!Commissar said while waving his arms madly in the air attempting to conjure arcane lighting. then the entire 1,500 troops charged in with flame throwers ready to take on the swarm of horse. The ponies of ponyville suddenly started fleeing and royal guards charged in with spears. The royal guard were expecting the worst seeing that all the imperial troops had flamethrowers, but to their surprise all the troops were trying to use the flamethrowers as javelins and started throwing them at the royal guards. None of the royal guards didn't even get hurt from this so they started spearing away at the imperial troops. The troops had no choice but to take out there last resort, some whiskey and a wooden baton. They drank away at the whiskey and then started flailing the batons around like crazy. “Things don't look too hot, seems like we're going to have to drop in the baaaaane blaaaaade.” then the imperial ship opened up the vehicle hatch and dropped baneblade from SPESS. the Baneblade fought valiantly but still soldiers were skewered on the ponies advanced weaponry and soon only 1,000 soldiers remained “Hmmm 1,000 soldiers” said Commissar Richard. “Why I do believe we are at full chapter strength” Suddenly the commissars clothes turned completely red and started bulging into thick red armor. All his hair fell out and he gained a speech impediment. “We are the spehss mahrens!” Brother-Captain Indrick Boreale bellowed to the guardsmen. Suddenly all the Guardsmen grew blood red armor and their batons turned into bolters. The Blood Raven soldiers fired into the crowd like they were fish in a barrel. Back at Canterlot the mane 4.0032 were warning Princess Celestia about the oncoming attacks. “Princess! There are strange men shooting all the horse and they have something called Baneblade that will kill us all.” said rarity rangity tang tang. Then Baneblade flew through the ceiling of the roof and crushed the princess. “Oh god! we have to go tell Luna about what just happend! YEEAAAH!” Snowflake said. then they all hopped on a magical reading rainbow to the moon and found Luna. “Hey guys! Didn't expect guests. huehuehuehue.” Luna said as she spit all over them. “Luna you have to watch out! they have Baneblade!” Spike the horse said. “I know” Said Luna “But how?” Fluttereses Peanut Butter Cup said “I AM THE BANEBLADE!!!” shouted as she turned around revealing that she was in fact a baneblade and at that moment the ponies could only think one thing. “CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!” then Baneblade shot at the mane horses and they died. Back at ponyville all the guard were dead because they couldn't handle the blood ravens pure force. The only horse left were the civilians, and since they were defenseless there was only one thing to do. “Commander Boreale!” one of the marine went up to the commander “Where?” Boreale responded “the horses are defenceless I think it’s time we can start stealing them now.” At this Boreale perked up and began crafting an amazing speech to inspire the marines to steel with all their might. “Tehre is noh time to beh lohst! Battle Brothars! Spehss Mahrens, todeh we are at the enemeh’s doar! We know oua duteh and we will do eet. We steal for our honor as Blod Rehvens, as SPESS MAHRENS, and we steal in the nehme of the Empra! And if we die this deh we die in gloareh, we die heroes' deffs, but we shall not die, no! It is the enemeh who will tehste deff and defeat! As you know! Moast of oua battle brothars are shtehtioned in SPEHSS, Pruhpeared to deep strike! Oua perimeter has been pruhpeared in the even dat oua enehmies should be so bald and so foolish. We have plehced numerous beacons, allowing for muhltiple, simuln-tehneous and devashtehting defensive deep strikes The Codecks astartees nehmes this maneuvah Steel Rehn. We will descend upon the foe, we will ovawhelm them - we will leave none un-stolhen! Meanwhile oua ground fawses will ensue the full defense of oua headkwaters We are the spehss mahrens! WE ARE THE EMPRA'S FUREH!” Then all the SPEHSS mehrens got out there handy dandy vacuum cleaners and started sucking up horses like it was some sort of cheesy mario party mini game. As the marines were sucking up all the horse a swarm of tyranids fell out of the sky. “WAAAAAAGGGH” said the hive mind that suddenly turned into warboss Polly Pockitz. Then the rest of the Tyranids turned into orkz wearing skirts and cheerleader shirts that said “Valley Gurlz” written across it. “COLLECT AS MUCH SCRAP AS YA CANZ! WE NEEDZ TA MAKE DA BIGGEST AND DA BADDEST DOLL HOUSE YA EVA SEEN!” screamed war boss Polly Pockitz. Then all the pink and fabulous orkz ran in and started using their choppy bits to take all the houses and other metal parts. The remaining horse didn’t know what to do, everything turned into an all out war zone. Soon enough though it didn't even matter what they did because they all got captured and brought to SPEHSS. Then all of the horse lived happily ever after in some SPEHSS ship where they had nothing to do but sit in cells all day and listen to Apollo Diomedes scream about Baneblades.