//------------------------------// // A "Royal" Wedding, of sorts? // Story: My Little Pony: Amor Esta Magica // by WarThunderBrony //------------------------------// The very beholding of Alvaro lo Pescadoro's face was enough to make me choke up the beef I had been eating. However, knowing that this was to be mine and Donita's big night, I exerted great self-restraint, trying my hardest not to puke. I do not know why, but for once I was hoping that los caballos de Equestria would come and deliver me, especially that grey caballito that called herself.... Derpy, or something like that..? "Buenos dias, Uncle Alberto," said Alvaro, reaching his hand out to shake mine. "Como esta usted?" Santa Madre de Dios -- that voice sounded so drattedly familiar too! The memories came back to me like a flood.... [flashback] Back in 2009, not long after my official confirmation as project manager, I remember All Lee Enterprises was holding a Dinner and Dance at a barbecue pit at the residence of one of our workers near the west coast of the Canaries. As project manager, I had been in charge of a team of workers supervised by Huascar Leon, and it was that team of ours which was to be awarded by Francisco Perez for our hard work at this Dinner and Dance. That award never came, and you will see why shortly. Huascar Leon and I met up at San Pedro Shopping Mall. A couple of the other managers soon joined us, including Bangalee, Natanaele Duarte, Justino Diaz, and Benz Guzman. We were talking and planning our route to Lake Titicaca when suddenly I heard a football chant from not far away. It shocked me; football had always been one of my pet hates, especially because I was afraid of getting a concussion on my head and ending up like Andrea Bocelli. The chant was so damn loud, I think practically the whole continent could have heard it. It sounded like various Inca percussion instruments being played, especially timpani and cymbals; and extremely loud chanting in both English and Spanish. Apparently it was a passing open-air lorry full of football enthusiasts who were cheering for the English Premier League. Buddy you're a boy! Make a big noise! Playing in the streets! Gonna be a big man someday! You got blood on your face! A big disgrace! Kicking that can all over the place! We will, we will rock you! We will, we will rock you! Ole! Ole! Ole! Ole! Ole! Ole! Ole! Ole! Feeling hot, hot, hot! I could not have had a worse impression of Inca culture at the time. Mama had brought me up to believe that the Kichwas -- as the Incas called themselves -- were war-like people who behaved barbarically everywhere they went, and loved to play noisy percussion instruments at such high holy days as Good Friday or Easter Sunday, not to mention individual grand openings. I remember among the percussionists on that lorry, and shouting "Ole!" really loudly while playing a pair of cymbals, was Alvaro lo Pescadoro. That cunt. I already had a bad impression of him at the time. But what happened later was even more spectacular. As I mentioned earlier, the dinner and dance was held in a barbecue pit near the West Coast, and hence it was in open air. While everyone was enjoying their food and tequila, suddenly.... "Help! Help!" shouted a worker. "The GM has been knocked out!" Everyone's attention turned to the shouting worker. It turned out to be correct; a soccer ball had suddenly come in from goodness-knows-where and hit Benz Guzman right smack on the forehead, causing him to pass out on the spot. "Quick!" shouted Perez. "Call the ambulance! We'll all follow him to the hospital at once!" Everyone immediately dropped everything and, when the ambulance arrived, followed it to the hospital via either their cars or public transport. I tried to join everyone else to go to hospital, but Diaz wouldn't let me. "You stay here!" he yelled. I trembled, knowing that I was about to be wrongly accused, if not for the first time. "Caramba! A fine fellow you are, Garcia!" yelled Diaz. "We were so nice as to invite you to this dinner and dance, and even award you and your team. And what do you do to us? You kick a soccer ball straight into your General Manager's head! Santa Madre de Dios!" "Por favor, Senor Diaz; don't malign me!" I pleaded my case. "Por l'amor del Senor, I really don't know where that ball came from!" "You know it and you know it only too well!" screeched Diaz. "You are suspended for two weeks!" [/flashback] Recalling all those painful memories to mind, I knew that I had been maligned that time. And something in me was telling me that Alvaro lo Pescadoro -- and maybe even his father Napoleone also -- had been secretly in league with All Lee Enterprises in setting up that trap for me so that I would end up maligned without reason. It was already four years and I was rather amazed that Alvaro had gotten away with it all. Nevertheless, because this was a joyous occasion, I decided to close one eye and just be polite. "Bien, gracias," I replied, returning Alvaro the handshake. "Let's sit down and have some food," I went on, hoping to distance myself from Alvaro as far as possible. Everyone sat down, and Uncle Ferrando drank a toast before we commenced dinner. After dinner, Mama told me she would be going home early, and not staying over at the hotel unlike the other guests. I was a little disappointed, but nonetheless I told Mama to go ahead first, and that I'd see her at the church the following day. The following day, before we went to church, we had a tea ceremony in Uncle Ferrando's hotel room; tea ceremonies at weddings have always been our custom as South American Indians. All of us had to dress in traditional Aymara or Inca costumes for this ceremony, as always has been the case. "Papa, have some tea," said Donita and I in unison as we knelt before Uncle Ferrando and offered him some green tea in teacups. "Donita," said Uncle Ferrando, placing his hand gently on her head, "as of today, you are Senora Alberto Garcia. I hope you can be a good wife and companion to Alberto all the days of his life. Do be sure to keep him under your thumb. Do you understand?" "Si, Papa," said Donita. Suddenly I felt an unusual chill around me. Then a huge grip on my head, as though some bald eagle were about to pick me up in its talons. I looked up, and it was Uncle Ferrando, looking really really severe. "Alberto," he said, with a hint of growling in his voice, "as of today you are now marrying my daughter, into my family, and will be living in my house. As a husband, I expect you to treat my daughter well. If she ever comes to any trouble of any sort, I will hold you fully responsible. Do you understand?" "Si, Papa," I said, trembling more than ever. The wedding itself, held later the same day at the Catedrale de San Pedro, was even more interesting. I remember I was waiting in the place along the aisle where the bridegroom usually stands. Then when the wedding march played, in came Donita, accompanied by Uncle Ferrando. All the guests stood up to applaud, as we all sang along to the famous Latino wedding march: De la Sierra Morena,
 cielito lindo, vienen bajando,
 Un par de ojitos negros, 
cielito lindo, de contrabando. Ese lunar que tienes, cielito lindo, junto a la boca, No se lo des a nadie, cielito lindo, que a mí me toca. Aye, aye, aye, aye,
 Canta y no llores, 
Porque cantando se alegran,
 cielito lindo, los corazones. Aye, aye, aye, aye,
 Canta y no llores! 
Porque cantando se alegran,
 cielito lindo, los co-o-o-ora-a-a-azones! Suddenly, in the distance, outside the Catedrale, I saw a familiar face. I'd know Mama's face anywhere. She was coming up toward the entrance to the Catedrale, but was apparently being turned away by security officers who had been stationed there by Uncle Ferrando. "Mama!" I called out. "Mama! Don't leave me here!" Donita approached me. "Mi amor, let's proceed to the priest," she said, smiling. But I was no mood to smile. I had not for one minute expected that Uncle Ferrando would have done this to me -- turning away my only biological kin at my wedding! I quickly dashed back for the entrance of the Catedrale, but Donita pulled me back, saying, "Let's go on with the wedding first! Settle other things later!" * * * DERPY: What we beheld via Princess Twilight Sparkle's crystal ball was amazing. Apparently Alberto's mother had been allowed to attend the pre-wedding dinner, but not the wedding itself. On the same day as the wedding, she'd tried to approach the church to watch the wedding, even if from outside; but the security officers stationed by Ferrando lo Pescadoro had apparently asked her if she was an invited guest, if not, then they'd have to ask her to leave. It was then that I realised the validity of my prophecy -- Alberto's wedding was surely going to commit him to some inevitable storms. This was the time I felt that I might well need to approach Thunderlane and ask him for help. So a few hours later, I went to his house to see him. "Alberto's in trouble again," I said. "I thought he just got married?" said Thunderlane, startled. "Yes, but it seems that the marriage isn't exactly very emotionally healthy for him," I pointed out. "Apparently his mother wasn't allowed to come to the wedding at the Catedrale. And you know how close Alberto is to his mother." "Now that seems like trouble," said Thunderlane. "You've spoken to his mother before right? Well one thing I think I may have that you don't have: I speak fluent Spanish." "Well his mother also speaks some English," I countered. "Let me tell you more," said Thunderlane. "I know that Alberto, being a typical Latino Indian, loves dancing. He'll most likely be going to a fiesta tonight at a nightclub somewhere in downtown La Paz. I know there's some neo-flamenco fiesta there tonight. I'll go give him a surprise." "Well, you may, but please don't overdo it," I begged him, "or you'll have to answer to Her Royal Highness Princess Celestia." "Si, senorita! I'll prove to you now!" replied Thunderlane, smiling. And so saying, he burst into song: Aye, aye, aye, aye,
 Canta y no llores! 
Porque cantando se alegran, 
cielito lindo, los co-o-o-ora-a-a-azones! I admit I was a little taken aback at Thunderlane's ability to sing Spanish songs, while dancing and using his forehoofs as castanets (and his hoof-hairs as maracas) to accompany himself. Needless to say I was nonetheless convinced. "OK, you win," I said to him. "You'll take over Alberto's case. But if you need any help, just call for me." "Gracias, senorita!" laughed Thunderlane. I was somewhat scared that he might only end up making things worse, considering the fact that now he was so high... * * * ALBERTO: Donita and I went to another nightclub, this time in La Paz, to enjoy ourselves after the wedding. While I was disappointed that Mama didn't manage to come inside, I was still happy to have Donita as my wife. The nightclub we went to was known as the "Gala Flamenca". This was a very interesting nightclub; we had all sorts of food and beverage there to easily last one from 10pm till 6am the following day. The featured performer was some entity called "Thunderlane". For a while I thought it was the name of the performing band. The flamencistas eventually came onstage; a group of ninos from some school in La Paz. "Get ready to dance, Donita," I said to my wife. "I think this is the Thunderlane they're talking about. This group of flamencistas." At the cue of their adult conductor, those ninos started playing. Then suddenly without any warning, a huge black caballo -- clearly a male -- walked onstage and began dancing to the flamenco piece. He had a blue-grey mane and a dark grey coat, and a Jupiter-like thunder bolt on either side of `his buttocks. While I still had my reservations about caballos at the time, I had to nonetheless admit that this one was clearly pretty musically talented; he had a style with regard to his moves, also, his usage of his forehoofs as castanets and his hoof-feathers as maracas, only contributed to his extraordinary talent. And as he danced, he sang a strange song. Granada, tierra sonada por mi,
 Mi cantar se vuelve gitano cuando es para ti. 
Mi cantar, hecho de fantasia;
 Mi cantar, flor de melancolia; 
Que yo te ve-e-e-engo a dar!

 Granada, tierra ensangrentada en tardes de toros,
 Mujer que conserva el embrujo de tus ojos moros. De sueno rebelde y gitano cubierta de flores,
 Y beso tu boca de grana jugosa manzana,
 Que me habla de amores.

 Granada, manola cantada en coplas preciosas, 
No tengo otra cosa que darte que un ramo de rosas.
 De rosas de suave fragancia, Que le dieran marco a la Virgen morena.

 Granada, tu tierra esta llena,
De lindas mujeres, de sangre y de-e-e-e-e-e.... sol! Everyone broke into applause as the ninos and their conductor stood to take their bow, and the caballo did likewise. "That was Thunderlane," smiled Donita. "The name of that caballo. He's a Clydesdale pegasus pony, and is trained in Latino dancing." "Si," I replied, "but I have never heard that song before." "Of course you haven't," said Donita; "because he wrote it." By this time, after having had so much tequila, I just blacked out. When I came to, I was in my hotel room again, and I saw Donita sitting on the other side of the bed -- but someone else was in the room caressing my face. It felt very furry to the touch, and it had a scent that was rather -- er -- vinegary, if I may use the word. I looked up and I saw Thunderlane gently nuzzling me on my cheek. I was a little embarassed; I mean, this was supposed to be a private time between me and Donita; how did he get into our hotel room? "You're fine now, Senor Alberto," said Thunderlane, in a clearly gringo accent of Spanish. "You had a drop too much just now, and your wife called on me to take you to safety immediately. According to her, you still have one more day before you check out of the hotel and move in to her house." "Thunderlane rescued you just now after the dance," Donita added. "He and I brought you up here to rest. It's already 3:30am. How are you feeling now, mi amor?" "Muy bien, gracias," I growled, still very zonked out after a whole night of partying. "Tomorrow we're checking out," said Donita. "You help to bring our luggages down; I'll go get Papa's car and drive over to pick you up." After all had been settled with the hotel staff and all our luggages had been packed, Donita drove over, and we put the luggages in and set back for the place which I would be calling home from today onward. "Let's make love tonight," said Donita, smiling warmly. Her words, though of good intention, suddenly brought a horrific memory to my mind. "Donita," I said, "there's something I need to share with you." "Speak, por favor," said Donita. "When I was in All Lee Enterprises," I said, recounting the incident where I'd been bashed up by Antonio Tortilla and Natanaele Duarte that led ultimately to my dismissal, "I was involved in a few brawls, one of which got me almost castigated in my groin by a few of those muchachos. Because of that case, I can't fulfill my duty as a husband." Donita seemed to have no real problems with that. However by the time we arrived at our home, trouble was already brewing within. Apparently Alvaro lo Pescadoro had gotten himself into trouble again, and his father Napoleone had been secretly embezzling money -- allegedly a total of 82,000,000 quetzals! -- from the family's business bank account, in order to fund a possible escape route for Alvaro. News about the money disappearance had reached Papa Ferrando's ears long before we'd found out; and now the whole family, myself inclusive (now that I had married Donita), had to all be grounded for the day. "Mil million bombas!" screamed Papa Ferrando. "82 million quetzals down the drain overnight! And after we started a new venture into Argentinian territory some more! What sort of family are you all?!" "Papa, I really have no idea what happened," said Donita; "I was out with Alberto all day and all night after the wedding." "YOU STILL TALK BACK TO ME!?" screeched Papa Ferrando, slamming his walking stick on the ground. "We're talking about 82 million quetzals here! And the only person who'd have any reason to do so is you, cheap woman!" "Papa, be reasonable, por favor!" cried Donita. "I have not kept in touch with the business for so long since the time we got married! Don't malign me without proof!" Papa Ferrando stood up and gave Donita a hard slap across the face. Such power for an 80-year-old patriarch. Normally I'd have intervened if it were anyone else; but because this was her father, my father-in-law, so if there was one thing that was necessary now, it was to just shut the **** up and not answer back. "Papa!" cried Donita. "The whole family shall not go outdoors for one full day!" proclaimed Papa Ferrando. "Todo el mundo, go to your rooms right now! AND HOP TO IT!!!" I followed Donita to her room, knowing that it was a really sad time for the whole family. I comforted her, the two of us sitting on our small balcony of our room. A few minutes of quietness passed. "Look!" suddenly cried Donita, pointing upwards. I looked up and I swear I saw something flying by. Some two actually. I recognised Derpy. With her was another caballo -- wait a minute, it was a blue male caballo, not really familiar to me. It had wings, and on either side of its buttocks it had a yellow thunderbolt with white wings. The two caballos stopped in mid-air just outside our balcony. "Alberto? How was the wedding?" asked Derpy. "This is my friend, Soarin Dash. He's going to be helping you through the first few days of your married life." "Er... muchas gracias," I replied. "Why do the two of you look so glum?" asked Soarin, smiling. Donita wept on my shoulder. "Ask them to help us if they can," she sobbed. "Tell them everything." "Si," I replied. I looked up at Soarin and Derpy. "Our family is apparently in trouble," I said. "Over the wedding period, 82 million quetzals were found missing from our family's business-only bank account, and Papa Ferrando accused Donita without producing any apparent evidence. I have completely no idea what is going on. Can you help us, por favor?" "Well, for one thing, Donita was most certainly not responsible for the loss," said Soarin. "I mean, you all were out partying since after the rites at the Catedrale, weren't you? So surely it could not have been either of you." "I think," added Derpy, "that Don Ferrando is most probably in a bad mood following the suden discovery of the money gone. Also, he's having acute arthritis, and may occasionally have certain unintentional outbursts. Maybe you may want to give him time and allow the culpable to expose himself or herself in due course." "Take it easy, mi amor," I said to Donita, caressing her. "Te quiero." I did not half realise what I just said, but it suddenly came to mind that for once I actually agreed with los caballos. Perhaps -- and perhaps only -- they could be the solution to all the hell I had been facing since my All Lee days... * * * SOARIN DASH: When Derpy assigned me to take over Alberto's case, I admit I was a bit muddled here and there. I knew Alberto was a weakling, so it was a little ironical that they should choose me, the one who'd last represented Ponyville in the Youth Olympic Games Triathlon three years before, to take on his case. Nevertheless, I agreed to do so, in the faith that even my contribution, however small, would still count. Perhaps, I'd thought, the best thing to do would be for Alberto and Donita to leave Don Ferrando alone for now, as he was fuming. So I'd suggested to them that they should do so. A few days later, I'd arranged to personally meet Alberto in one of the forests east of Chaco. But before that, I thought it would be best for me to call on one man -- Huascar Leon. Something told me that Huascar's oldest of three kid sisters, Valeria, was in danger. Now I knew that Huascar and Alberto were still yet unable to get along; however, I also knew that, of all the staff in All Lee, it was Huascar who had the biggest heart, especially with regard to someone as difficult as Alberto. Furthermore, Huascar had been a follower of ours for 5 months now. If there was anypony who could give Alberto the help he needed, it would surely be Huascar. I brought the case to Princess Twilight Sparkle and the two young ponies Snips and Snails. Apparently Snips and Snails had conducted independent investigations that had confirmed my suspicions: Napoleone lo Pescadoro had squandered away lots of money over a whole year because he had been womanising, especially since he was himself a widower; and his latest flame was none other than Valeria Leon, Huascar's younger sister. With the approval granted from Princess Twilight Sparkle, I flew over to Huascar's residence, a high-rise apartment in the estate of Altos del Chaco, in the township of Chaco in east-central Bolivia. Huascar lived there with his parents Bernardo and Juanita, as well as his three younger sisters. "Buenos dias," I said, flying onto his balcony. Huascar looked amazed when he saw me. "Soarin?" he asked. "Yes, the very same," I said, making sure to put on a smile when speaking to Huascar, as I was asking him a major favor. "I'm here to visit. How's things?" "Muy bien, gracias," replied Huascar. "Come in, have a seat and some tequila. Papa and Mama are not home." I flew into his flat and sat on his balcony, "So," said Huascar, pouring me some tequila, "how can I help you this day, Senor Soarin?" "It's like this," I began. "Where's your sister Valeria?" "She's stolen my laptop again and made clean off with it," murmured Huascar. "And she didn't even ask my permission or leave me a note of any damn sort. I half wish I could deal with her!" "And that's precisely what you're going to do -- deal with her," I replied. "Are you aware that she has been going out with random men from random places? And that her latest flame is none other than -- the son of Pescadoro?" "Que?! That muchacho Napoleone lo Pescadoro?!!" screamed Huascar, rising to his feet and slamming his chalice on the coffee table. "This time, I swear to the Santa Virgen Maria that I will kill BOTH Napoleone and Valeria, see if I don't!" And so, taking a huge dagger that had clearly been rusted due to its age, he stormed out of the flat. I gazed on after him, and then immediately flew back to Equestria to inform Snips and Snails. "He's gone after Napoleone," I told them. "Follow him secretly. I'll follow close behind." "Sure thing, Soarin," said Snips. "We're with you all the way!" agreed Snails. And so we flew through the portal back to Earth, being sure to keep Huascar within our sight.... * * * HUASCAR LEON: At the time Soarin came to me, I was still a trainee in All Lee Enterprises and was bent on helping my then-boss, Francisco Juan Perez, get to the pinnacle of success. But I did not for one minute guess what was in store for me ever since Soarin approached me that day. Valeria had always been a Papa's nina, spoiled by our Papa since young. She would always be the one to have the password to our home PC, and sometimes even access my Facebook and Steam accounts without my permission. The way she had always been spoiled silly by Papa, was enough to piss me off. Upon departure of my house, I was approached by a DHL courier. "Senor Huascar Leon?" he asked. "That's me," I replied. "Here's a letter for you," said the courier, handing me an envelope. "Gracias," I replied, as I accepted the envelope and opened it up. The courier took his leave. Inside, I found lots of photographs, and an anonymous note (addressed to Papa) that said this: Dear Don Bernardo, Please be informed that your daughter has been secretly inviting random men to eat out at high-society restaurants with her and then leaving halfway without bothering to pay the check, forcing the poor soul who goes out with her to pay the entire check himself. We request that you take her in hand as soon as possible. Should you have any queries on this, please feel free to contact Napoleone lo Pescadoro at this number (they provided a number here). A friend Clearly a private investigator on behalf of Napoleone lo Pescadoro had been assigned to check on Valeria. I certainly had reason to be pissed with Valeria about this. I took the photographs home and slammed them on my couch. Just then, Valeria came in, the laptop in her arms. She was in tears. "Quor," she said, using the affectionate Inca word for "big brother", "I'm sorry." I stood up and confronted her. "How do you explain this?" I demanded, showing her the photographs that had been passed me in that envelope by that courier. "What were you doing with Napoleone lo Pescadoro?" Valeria took a good look at the pictures. "You mean.... you hired a PI to check on me?!" she screamed. "I have better things to do!" I shouted back. "These photos are from him! Napoleone himself told the courier to send me this! Have a look at this note!" I produced the note from the PI to show Valeria. "Now look here," I went on, "if Papa scolds you for what you have done, I will disclaim all responsibility! And one more thing -- give me that damn laptop!" I shrieked, snatching the laptop from Valeria's arms. Like a spoiled brat, Valeria spat on my face and walked out before I could even talk sense into her... * * * SNIPS: On orders from Soarin Dash, Snails and I followed Huascar secretly. He had apparently not gone further than the void deck of his flat in Altos del Chaco estate. The rumours were true. Valeria Leon had indeed been secretly doing confidence trickery to others without her family's knowledge. She had taken her brother's laptop to play Team Fortress 2 with those random male strangers that she'd been arranging to meet at random restaurants around Chaco and Sucre. In fact, she had used her brother's Steam and Facebook accounts to add these random strangers on Facebook, only to block each of them in turn after the "date" she would have with each one. "This," said Snails, "is the one thing we can do: to distract Huascar from his wrath against Alberto, by making him focus on his domestic problems. He's been so preoccupied with Perez and vengeance against Alberto, that he forgot that his sister was doing this to him all the while." "Let's hope it works out," I added. "Huascar is the only of those All Lee people who truly has a heart. He'll be the one to bring Alberto to his senses, if nopony else can." We brought word back to Soarin Dash. He gave us these orders: "The two of you need to focus not only on Huascar but also on Alberto. I'll put Snips in charge of Huascar. Snails, you take Alberto. I'll supervise the both of you. If either of you need backups, you can let me know." Just then, Big McIntosh walked by. "Allow me to add something," he said. "If anything goes wrong, let me know immediately. Princess Twilight Sparkle just asked me to get involved if you face any trouble." We nodded in agreement, and proceeded to plan our respective routes out.... * * * ALBERTO: I had temporarily moved out of Donita's house back to Mama's house, hoping that my absence would cause the situation at home to die down, and seeing that the rest of her family -- especially that nephew of hers -- were somewhat creeped out by my presence and were all looking down on me. Mama was a little shocked to see me back so early after my first night sleeping at Donita's. "Back so fast?" she asked me. "What happened?" I replied to her, "Let's just say, sad movies make me cry." "You're already 33, Alberto," said Mama, getting worked up. "It's about time you settled down. Donita is a good girl. Why are you walking out on her so quickly?" "Mama, I already said just a few seconds ago that sad movies make me cry," I said, getting equally annoyed. "Now may I have some time to myself, por favor?" I marched into my room and slammed the door and sat down by my window sill. I remember the night before I left Donita's place, I had told her that I had to go for a cool-off because I just could not seem to get along well with her family and vice versa. The words that Donita sang to me kept replaying in my head: Don't know why, I'm surviving every lonely day, When there's got to be, no chance for me, my life would end. And it doesn't matter how I cry. My tears of love are a waste of time. If I turn away, am I strong enough to see it through? Go crazy is what I would do. If I can't have you, I don't want nobody baby. If I can't have you, oh oh. If I can't have you, I don't want nobody baby. If I can't have you, oh oh. Can't let go, and it just don't matter how I try. I gave it all so easily, to you my love. To dreams that never will come true. Am I strong enough to see it through? Go crazy is what I would do. If I can't have you, I don't want nobody baby. If I can't have you, oh oh. If I can't have you, I don't want nobody baby. If I can't have you, I don't want nobody, I don't want nobody, I don't want nobody... but you! It was then that I realised what I had done. I buried my head in my hands and wept. Suddenly I felt something wet nuzzling me on my cheek. A high-pitched, neighy voice spoke. "Alberto! It's me, Snips. I'm here to help you." I looked up and saw a fat, turquoise-blue unicorn with an orange mane in my room. He had rabbit teeth and was smiling at me. Normally I would have freaked out; but seeing how some of los caballos -- notably Derpy -- had saved my life before, I decided to be professional in my reply. "Well, what tidings do you bring?" I asked. "My boss, Soarin Dash, sent me to guard you," said Snips. "He says that you need to take it easy. Donita's young nephew is only a mischievous boy, so don't mind him. You'll find that he'll come to accept you in due course." "Easier said than done," I replied. "Do you know what he did to me back then?" "I sure know," said Snips, smiling; "at least my boss knows. He told me to keep an eye on you to make sure you go back to your wife. Even your mama wants you to stay with her." "Let me be clear on this, young caballito," I said, sitting straight and looking Snips in the eyes. "Alvaro lo Pescadoro sabotaged me when I was in All Lee. I was about to get my achievement award, but that cunt kicked a soccer ball right into my then-boss's head -- and of all people I got the blame. I was framed for the win. Do you know how that feels?" But before Snips could reply, we both suddenly heard knock at the door and Mama's urgent-sounding voice calling me. "Alberto! Come quickly!" I turned around....