//------------------------------// // 6. Facing Reality // Story: Dash of Humanity // by Kaidan //------------------------------// The day had gotten off to an interesting start, but now I just wanted to see what Twilight wanted and then go to bed. Granted, it was only the afternoon, but I was thinking that perhaps Dash would get control back. The whole ordeal with Rarity had been exhausting and part of me actually missed getting to take the backseat. It was nice to relax while Dash did the tedious things like walk from place to place. I fidgeted as I walked down the road and tried to keep my tail from flicking around. I tried to focus on the awkwardness of my wings, legs, and tail. They weren’t human, like I was, and focusing on what I used to be brought me some comfort. As long as I could remember what I was, I hoped I wouldn’t lose my identity to Dash. The sun was beating down on me and it was humid again. I found shade next to a nearby building to relax in. Hey, Dash, if you control the weather, why is it so damn hot? [Celestia has pulled the sun in closer for summer. I could schedule an extra rainstorm or two.] Or at least some clouds? [Clouds take condensed moisture, Dude.] Isn’t there enough of that in the air right now? I mean, how is it even humid? There’s no lakes or swamps or anything near here. [Well, there’s Froggy Bottom Bog. Most of our humidity comes from the Everfree. We can’t control the weather out there.] Let me guess: magic. [Yeah, smartass, magic. It has nothing to do with our inability to predict the high and low pressure zones, the unusual atmospheric currents, or the fact no Pegasi patrol it.] Sorry, I just don’t like the heat. [Yeah, well I’m just getting a little grumpy because of my—] So help me if you bring up estrus again. “Hey, Dash! Is it time for my flying lesson?” Scootaloo asked. “Huh?” I asked. “I saw you leaning against my house and thought you must have come to teach me to fly!” [Rub her hair and call her Squirt, then tell her you’re busy. It works every time.] What do you mean, every time? I thought you really liked her. [Yeah, but I’m a busy mare: weather team, Wonderbolts practice, alien possession. I’ll teach her to fly later.] I think we’ll teach her to fly now. [Look, I appreciate the sentiment, but you can’t fly.] Excuse me? I fly just fine, because I can take your memories of flying and you can’t stop me! Hah! [Fine, go ahead and teach Scootaloo to fly. I’m gonna focus on not letting you read my mind, and Scootaloo is gonna think you’re really weird.] “Dash? Do you need a drink or somethin’?” Scootaloo asked. I realized I’d been staring at her blankly for some time now. “Yeah, I’m feeling pretty tired.” “I’m on it!” Scootaloo ran inside to get me something to drink. Look, she’s a nice kid and we shouldn’t let a little bickering ruin her day. Let’s just teach her a little something and be on our way. [Yeah. . . you’re right.] Scootaloo came back outside holding a cup in her mouth. The wide brim allowed a pony to carry it in their teeth and drink it without hooves. She just stood there until I realized I was supposed to bite it and take it from her. Once I had the cup in my teeth, I tilted my head back and drank the water inside. “Say, Dash, I can talk to you about anything, right?” Scootaloo asked. “Of course, I’m like your big sister after all,” I replied. She looked at the ground and poked a hoof into it. “I uh. . . Sweetie and Apple Bloom and I were doin’ some recon cutie marks, and we sorta heard their sisters talking. I mean. . . you’ve been acting a little strange but it’s not like we were spying on purpose!” “It’s okay, what is it?” I asked. I hope you got a good answer for this. “Are. . . are you really an alien?” Scootaloo asked. [Poor filly, she is worried I’ve turned into some kind of monster.] I chuckled and then rubbed a hoof in her mane. “Look, if it makes you feel better I’m not an alien. Can you keep a secret about official Elements of Harmony business?” Scootaloo smiled and began to move her hoof through the air. “Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!” [Wait, you can’t just tell her about the whole human thing. She won’t know what to do with it.] Relax, I know what I’m doing. . . I think. “So, a couple days ago a human got transported to Equestria by magic. Somehow I wound up in Dash’s head, so now it’s like having two ponies in the same body. We’re gonna find out how to make it better and fix it.” “So Dash is going to be okay?” she asked. Her eyes were starting to get misty and I nearly broke down from the sight. “Of course Dash is okay, Scootaloo. She’s right here and we switch places every so often. Dash was telling me how much she cares for you, and was even gonna help me teach you about flying because she’s so sad about not having gotten to spend more time with you.” I lifted her chin up with a hoof and smiled at her. “Thanks, Dash. . . I mean, do you have a name too?” “Yeah, it’s Don. Just remember this is top secret!” I added. “Yes sir!” Scootaloo saluted me with her hoof. “So, you’ll really give me a quick flying lesson before you leave to fix things?” “Yeah, so first, uh. . . show me how you flap your wings.” [Real smooth. You sure you don’t want to wait until I’m back in control? I can’t picture you teaching her how to fly.] Did you see those puppy eyes? She could mind control a robot with them. Scootaloo began buzzing her wings in the air like a hummingbird. [She has to slow down and control the movements. Spread the wings and take long, gentle flaps.] “Dash says to slow down and control your wings, spread them out and be gentle. Like this.” I spread my wings out and lifted off the ground slowly, letting her watch my wings. I continued at a slower pace. “Now you try.” Scootaloo nodded and began flapping again. She was able to slow down and get a few inches off the ground. Unfortunately, her wings would start to twitch and then buzz again. She landed on the ground and then tried again. [She’s picked up some bad habits from that scooter.] “That’s how you ride your scooter, right? Flying is different; it has to be precise.” “Wow, you’re pretty smart for an alien,” Scootaloo observed. “Thanks. Hmm, you know I’ve seen people go hang gliding, so why don’t we just teach you to glide first?” Scootaloo bit her lip nervously for a second. When she saw me watching her, she grinned and narrowed her eyes in determination. She was adorable trying to convince me of her bravery. “Let’s do it!” [Dude, she could get hurt.] Most birds teach their young ones to fly by shoving them out of the nest. [That’s awful!] What, like no Pegasus has ever pushed their kid off a cloud to teach them to fly? [Well, yeah, but we have another pony ready to catch them.] You say potato, I say potato. [What? That saying makes no sense!] Yeah, I guess it makes more sense to say it than think it. “I’ve got to go soon so climb on my back.” Scootaloo waited for me to land and climbed on, digging her forelegs into my mane to get a grip. I then flew up to her roof and landed awkwardly on the slanted shingles. “Okay, climb down carefully.” Scootaloo got off and stood at the edge of the roof. “Usually when I mess up a jump on my scooter, I can’t fly for more than a second or two before I crash.” “Well, you’re in luck. Instead of flying, you’ll just hold your wings out like this, parallel to the ground.” I spread my wings and looked at them, noticing for the first time the wingspan. My primaries stretched out four or so feet, or the same distance from my nose to my tail. Scootaloo mimicked me and spread her wings out. They were clearly smaller, only about half the length of her body. Is that normal? [Yeah, Pegasi hit puberty and their growth spurt at different ages. Their wings remain small until they do, though for most Pegasi that isn’t a problem. Some can fly at birth, and others can’t. Many Pegasi who live on the ground aren’t used to flying and learn bad habits that make it harder to learn proper technique.] That’s horrible! So Scootaloo has small wings and picked up bad habits on the ground. . . When this whole mess is sorted out, promise me you’ll spend more time with her. [Of course I will! I really like her, I just get really busy sometimes. . .] Well, as long as I’m here you’re not gonna be too busy. “Alright, Scootaloo, now watch me.” I jumped off the roof and held my wings rigid, not moving them, as I glided down to the ground. Once my hooves were on land, I folded my wings in. “Now, you try!” Scootaloo put the tips of her hooves on the edge of the roof and looked down, gulping. She took one look at me and instantly regained her confidence, smirking at me. “I can do this!” She leapt off the edge of the roof with her wings held out level. After gliding a few feet forward, she looked back down. Scootaloo began to kick her hooves, and soon resumed her familiar buzzing. The wind stopped flowing over her wings, and she lost altitude quickly. I leapt forward but she was just out of reach, landing on her head as she curled up at the last second. “Scootaloo! Are you okay?” She coughed and then stood up, shaking some dust off. “Y-yeah, of c-course.” “You were doing really good, you just have to keep your wings open. Remember, this isn’t your scooter. Come on let’s try again!” “Are you sure? I think I hurt my knee and I can’t do it anyway. . .” Scootaloo looked down and sighed. “Hey!” I grabbed her shoulders and knelt down, looking her in the eyes. “I’m the best flyer in Equestria, and I can see you’ve got talent. I never quit, and neither will you. We’re going to go back up on that roof, and you’re going to glide. Then you’re going to go show all your friends!” Scootaloo’s eyes lit up and her wings buzzed as she leapt in the air. “Yeah! Let’s do it, Dash!” She climbed onto my back and I carried us back to the roof. This time when I glided to the ground I went further away, and shouted back to her, “Alright, I wanna see your best performance! Wings out straight! No moving them! Legs tucked in when you jump!” Scootaloo spread her legs, taking a wide stance and lowering her body. Once she had coiled her muscles, she jumped off the roof. Scootaloo spread her wings and looked me in the eyes, not glancing down at the ground once. She had made it halfway, and soon skid to an awkward halt next to me. “I did it!” Scootaloo had latched onto my neck before I could turn to face her, and the momentum knocked me on my side. She was hugging me and I felt her damp cheek against my throat. “You okay, Squirt?” I asked “Y-yeah. Thanks, D-dash, I f-finally did it!” I felt my heart melting, forgetting about my horrible circumstances. Sitting up I pulled her in with my forelegs and wrapped my wings around her. “Yes you did, Scootaloo. All me and Dash did was believe in you. Now, you should go clean up before you show all your friends how awesome you are, okay?” Scootaloo tilted her head back to look up at me, and gave me one last hug. “Okay. Will you stop by again Dash. . . and Don?” “Of course. Now run along, Twilight wanted to see me.” I watched as Scootaloo ran inside the house, shouting for her mother. [Wow. . . Dude, that was really nice. I didn’t know you had a setting other than ‘jerk’.] I get that way around kids sometimes, I think. . . I can’t really remember. It just feels so good to be around such a happy little filly. [You have fillies of your own, or family?] I don’t have kids, and I have. . . Well, that’s odd. [What?] It seems like I did have some family, but I can’t recall. I mean, I had to come from somewhere, right? Would I really forget my own parents? [Oh. . . Well, uh, don’t worry about it, okay? I’m sure it’ll come back to you.] Yeah, not much choice there. Say, why hasn’t Scootaloo’s family taught her to fly? [She was adopted and only her father is a Pegasus. He works in Cloudsdale at the weather factory. Her mom is an Earth pony that sells roses here in Ponyville. I guess her dad just doesn't have time, thus leaving Scootaloo to live here with her mom.] That’s awful. I just assumed ponies were. . . different. No adoptions or anything. You all seem so happy and perfect, aside from us body-snatching humans. [I dunno, I guess we have more in common than you think. Come on, let’s go see what Twilight wanted. It’s to your left.] I yawned and started to walk towards the library. [Your other left.] Oh. I turned around and headed in the other direction. I could see the library in the distance, so it wasn’t far. The sun had moved a little in the sky, yet it was still sweltering hot. I hope we can add sleepiness next to blunt force trauma on things that make us switch. I could really use a nap right now, but it’s hard to take one while walking. [Hey, that’s fine with me. Just wait for me to get control back before you pass out in the middle of the street.] No promises, but I’ll try and find a nice shady cloud to sleep on. Spike opened the door and looked at me with wide eyes, surprised by my sudden appearance. I looked around, wondering if I had something in my mane. All that I had done was walk towards the door of the library. “Twilight!” Spike yelled at the top of his voice. “Dash is here!” “Spike! I told you not to yell across the library! I’ll be right there!” Twilight screamed. Wow, talk about a hypocrite. “Come on in, Dash,” Spike said. “It’s Don,” I replied. Spike scratched behind his ear. “Oh, well okay then. Don, come in. You, uh, want some tea?” “Sure. Let me find your comfiest couch while you do that.” After I walked inside, Spike closed the door. The library seemed larger now that I was looking at it without having just crashed into it at terminal velocity. Each wall had delicately carved bookshelves in it. Padded chairs, sofas, tables, and desks were strategically placed around the main chamber. As the public part of their library, I estimated that about a dozen ponies could read comfortably on the many pieces of furniture laid out. There were a few doors near the back, one of them likely leading to Twilight’s dungeon full of questionably-acquired medicines. A spiral staircase ran up one wall. I lifted off into the air and scanned the second floor. It consisted of a circular hallway that ran around above all the bookshelves on the ground floor. There was no guard rail, causing it to all flow naturally and feel very open. The second floor had just as many books packed away as the first. There were at least half a dozen doors up on the second floor, a few of which had ‘Private - No entrance!’ signs. Those must be the rooms Twilight and Spike lived in. All in all, I could not recall a nicer library than the one I was in right now. After I’d finished taking it all in, I landed on the ground floor and walked over to a bean bag. It was made of grey fabric, and I jumped onto it, landing with my legs spread out. Oh wow, this is comfortable. [She added a couple of those from my advice. They have clouds sewn in them, and were made for Pegasi to sit in. Nothing beats a cloud for reading a Daring Do book.] I can see why. I swam around in the bean bag, kneading and pushing at the fabric to shape the cloud inside. After squirming and wiggling around, I sank into a small depression I had made in the middle and rolled onto my back. Yeah, I could lay here all day. Spike walked back in and gave me a curious look, as if he were intruding on some private moment. “Hey, Spike, come in. Oh, and the tea isn’t too hot, is it?” “Oh, it’s w-warm. I just uh. . . a-aren’t you. . . I, uh, think you’re f-forgetting something,” Spike stuttered. [Oh no.] A sense of dread washed over me as Dash realized what was wrong a second before I did. I looked down and realized I was laying on my back, legs spread wide, and tail flat on the ground. There was nothing to cover up my delicate bits and I had just given the poor dragon quite a peep show. “Shit!” I shouted. I flicked my tail up and adjusted the bean bag until I was decent. “I’m so sorry, Spike. I’m used to being a stallion—I mean a human!” He smiled weakly and set the tea down on an end table next to me. “Heh, yeah. I, uh. . . no problem, Dash! I just forgot I need to go make my bed!” Spike scrambled up the stairs clumsily until he vanished into a room on the second floor. That was odd. He acted like he’d never seen a p— [Hey, language! Just because you’re thinking it instead of saying it, doesn’t mean you get to be vulgar!] Sorry, I just. . . Well, it was an honest mistake. [I’m so embarrassed. . . Imagine if you did that in front of Fluttershy, or Soarin. Oh god, what if you forget and do that in front of Celestia?!] Whoa, calm down there. I know better now, don’t worry! “Dash! Or is it Don? I’m glad to see you, either way. I see Spike already got some tea for you. Where did he go?” Twilight asked. She trotted down the stairs, each hoofstep echoing in the large room. “Hi, Twilight! I'm Don,” I said cheerfully. “Spike is in his room.” Twilight walked into the kitchen and called out for someone. A moment later she came back in with Applejack and Fluttershy. “Oh,” I shrank back into the bean bag. “Hi, girls. . .” I sure hope she isn’t mad about the whole belly rub thing. . . [Nah, five bits says she feels bad for you. She feels bad for everypony.] “Are ya Dash or Don?” Applejack asked. “It’s Don,” Twilight answered. Applejack circled around me to a nearby chair. “Quite a stunt y’all pulled back at Pinkie’s party.” I chuckled and looked at her. “Yeah, sorry about the smart remarks and the bit about Soarin.” “He didn’t really break up with you?” Fluttershy asked. “No, but I did punch him pretty hard in the face and probably scared him away for good,” I explained. [Did I properly ‘thank’ you for that yet?] Does the tampon count? [No.] “Then why did you come over and want me to rub your belly?” Fluttershy asked. “You what?!” Applejack jumped to her hooves. “Y’all were hittin’ on Fluttershy?” [Thatta girl Applejack! Finally somepony who sees you for the pervert you are!] “I’m sorry, don’t be too hard on me! I had just woken up in an alien world as a pony. You were so kind and well. . . I just needed somepony to help me relax.” Fluttershy smiled warmly and blushed. “Oh, I’d do the same for any poor lost animal. I’m not mad.” Looks like I owe you five bits. [Yep. That’s why I love her. I mean, why we’re friends. . .] Don’t be coy now, I still find those soft, succulent flanks of hers irresistible. [Stop it! I thought we went over this, you’re not allowed to find my friends hot!] Well, you obviously find her hot. I’m just saying, perhaps she could help you scratch that itch. [Drop the joking now, Dude, I’m warning you!] Fine. “Y’all ain’t been messin’ with other ponies, Don and Dash?” Applejack asked. “Not really, we’re trying to keep it secret. There was an itsy-bitsy mix up with Pinkie, but her shop wasn’t burnt down so I’m guessing her freak-out wasn’t that bad. And Rarity may have. . . sworn me to silence over certain evening wear I modeled for her,” I explained. “You’re lucky Pinkie isn’t here,” Twilight explained. “You’re spilling secrets pretty easily. She’d have you making Pinkie promises left and right.” Do I want to know what a Pinkie Promise is? [If you value your sanity, yes. It’s that promise Scootaloo made to you, and if you break a Pinkie promise, Pinkie can sense it no matter where she is.] So it’s basically another way for her to magically appear and freak me the hell out? Great. Remind me never to break one. Hell, I won’t even make one. “Okay then, well you three are here. Where’s Pinkie and Rarity then? I assume this has to do with the Elements or your god-powers or something?” I stated. “Pinkie went to get Rarity, and they should—” The door to the library opened, interrupting Twilight. “Hey, my ears were burning!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Which one of you was talking about me?” “Darling,” Rarity deadpanned, “clearly they were wondering if you’d found me.” “Nope! Finding a missing pony is more like a wiggly tail,” she answered. I asked the first ridiculous question that came to mind to see if she could sense everything. “What’s Pinkie sense for a bunny stampede?” Pinkie laughed. “That’s usually your job to warn us of, but if you must know, it’s sorta like this!” She lifted her front left hoof and it began vibrating against the floor. “Just like Angel does, thump thump thump!” “As fascinating as this all is, I’m very busy and not entirely past Don masquerading around my shop in a sexy maid’s outfit,” Rarity said. [Oh Celestia, why Rarity? I didn’t want them to know that!] “Wow, Rarity, that’s low. Poor Dash didn’t want anyone to know about that, just like you didn’t want them to know about your sex dungeon,” I retorted. Her cheeks turned crimson as she blushed and struggled to respond. “Why—I never! The audacity! Clearly this alien has the maturity of a horny colt!” “Girls, please, this bickering won’t get us anywhere,” Twilight said. “I need you all to put on your Elements. I got a letter from Celestia earlier today, and first things first: I need to know they still work.” “Sure, sugarcube.” Applejack and the others approached a glass display case. They began taking necklaces out of it and putting them on. I lazily stayed in my bean bag, letting Twilight bring me my necklace. “Hey, why didn’t I notice those when I came in?” “I put an illusion over them to deter theft and vandalism. Dash should have been able to see it, though,” Twilight explained. “Well, I’m not Dash, sorry.” The necklace clicked around my neck and I felt a pulse of warmth from it. “So, what do I do now?” “Now, I activate the Elements of Harmony.” The ponies stood in a circle and closed their eyes. Twilight seemed to be doing the most work, focusing magic through her horn and tiara. The other ponies began to glow slightly as their necklaces lit up. They began to float off the ground. I dug my hooves into the bean bag as I started to float. “Hey, I was comfortable here!” I wound up floating in the air for a second before falling forward and landing on my hooves. I looked down at the necklace, craning my neck, to see what it was doing. Where the other girls each had a brilliant gem glowing in their necklace, mine remained a dull red. After another glance around I saw Twilight’s magic fade as the Elements turned back off. “So, did I pass?” I asked. Twilight frowned and walked over, looking closely at the necklace. “This is bad. Loyalty isn’t activating.” “Why not?” [The obvious answer is you aren’t loyal, duh.] “Ah reckon ya ain’t loyal enough,” Applejack said. “Wow, brilliant deduction, Sherlock.” I moaned and tried to sit back down in the bean bag. However, Twilight was still tugging at my necklace and kept me from going anywhere. “It’s getting some energy. I wonder if it would work while Dash is in control. Can you two switch for me?” Twilight asked. “Sorry, we can’t control it. I am feeling a little tired though, so we may switch soon,” I explained. Pinkie bounced over to our side. “I have an idea!” How does she move around by bouncing? I mean, wouldn’t all that jumping get tiring? [Because P—] Yeah, yeah, Pinkie Pie. Sorry I asked. “What’s your idea?” Twilight asked. Pinkie smiled. “Well, they did mention another way that would cause them to switch sometimes. . .” I tilted my head to the side. “You mean blunt fo—” I felt a splitting pain in the side of my head before I could finish my sentence. My ears were ringing and the room was spinning. There was a thud as I hit the floor, my legs twitching slightly. A frying pan hit the floor with a loud clang. “Pinkie! What the hay?!” Applejack shouted. “Ya can’t just start smackin’ ponies!” “Ugh, somepony kill me now,” I whimpered. [Going. . . to. . . kill. . . her.] You okay, in there, Dash? [Y-yeah.] “P-pinkie, I hate you so m-much,” I muttered. The ringing was making it difficult to think or concentrate, and I could count my pulse by the throbbing in my head. “Aww, I’m sorry, Don. That was supposed to work!” Pinkie came over to hug me but I weakly waved her away with a leg. “Pinkie,” Twilight scolded, “that is unacceptable. Even if blunt force trauma causes a switch, you could easily give Dash a concussion or kill her! That is not an option to get them to switch.” I felt myself fade back into Dash’s mind as I lost control of her body. Once again I was in the back seat and could finally relax. “Yeah, Pinkie,” Dash said. “Hit me again and I’ll throttle you.” “See! Told you it would work!” Pinkie cheered. [How the hell could she tell it worked?! Seriously, Dash, choke her. Choke her before she drives me insane.] I’m considering it, Dude, that fucking hurt. “Heh, yeah it’s me,” Dash said. “Oh, dear.” Fluttershy rushed over to examine the bruise on our head and pulled Dash in for a hug. I could feel her lovely smooth fur, her soft warm skin, and even her heartbeat against our chest. [I changed my mind. If we get free hugs Pinkie can hit us more often.] Please, Dude, it’s confusing that you and me both are feeling attracted to her. She’s my best friend. [So you admit it? Would you grab her flanks for us? I bet they feel like butter.] Seriously, that’s enough. “Let’s try again, girls, while Dash and Don have their little conversation,” Twilight said. “Yes, those two lovebirds were meant for each other,” Rarity mocked. “Running around, pulling pranks and humiliating their friends." “Wow, who put the stick up your ass?” Dash said. “I told Don not to go with you. I begged you to let me pick up the outfit for Soarin later.” “Girls! Whatever has got yer panties in a bunch, now ain’t the time to bicker ‘bout it,” Applejack stated. “I agree, um. . . You’re both my best friends and it hurts to see you fight.” Fluttershy looked at Rarity, and I saw her look down and apologize. She then turned her gaze on Dash. I saw the large eyes—both commanding and vulnerable at the same time. I knew before Dash spoke she would obey her request. “Sorry, Flutters, it won’t happen again. Just a little worked up is all,” Dash explained. Twilight cleared her throat loudly and began casting a spell. The Elements began to glow again and Dash got to her hooves. After several minutes of Twilight’s best effort, the Element of Loyalty still refused to activate. Once she admitted defeat, Twilight came over to tend to the large bump on Dash’s head. I could feel the magic tingling against her skin and causing a tickling sensation. I felt much better now inside Dash’s head. The tempting network of memories and positive emotions was still there, beckoning me. I ignored it, creating a small nest in my corner of her brain. Imagining a warm and fluffy bean bag, I relaxed and watched out of Dash’s eyes as she talked with her friends. “He really isn’t that bad. I mean, typical one-track mind like any stallion, but he’s trying,” Dash explained. “I’m sure he’s not deliberately blocking the Element.” “We don’t know much about humans. They’re aliens, they’re not from Equestria. . . but what else? Are they loyal? Warlike?” “I’ll ask him, but I do know they eat meat. They’re also apparently pretty ugly, as he never found a special somepony.” [That’s kinda personal, isn’t it?] Let’s just tell her what she wants to know. [Humanity is. . . diverse. We’ve fought in wars, killed millions of each other. Pretty much every forty or so years there is a major war. It’s pretty chaotic on Earth, but there is a lot of good. Charity, feeding the homeless, giving medicine to the sick. . .] Dash began to convey my thoughts to the other Elements as I thought them. As she continued to read the script I was giving her outloud, I continued to ponder how to describe human to a race that had never heard of them before. [. . . and hundreds of religions are practiced. Most countries give many freedoms to their citizens, but some still oppress them. You could as easily have had a saint or a devil get teleported into your body. As for me, well, I’m no saint, but I like to think I’m a good person. I didn’t have much use for many friends, though I like to think I’m loyal to the ones I did have. Probably wouldn’t throw myself on a grenade for any of them, though.] Dash finished repeating my short lecture on humanity. “Does that answer your questions?” “Hmm, well it does, but it raises even more. What do you girls have to say?” Twilight asked. I was rather bored and tuned them out as they spoke. Instead of listening to what they had to say, I began to rate each one on a scale of one to ten. [Hmm, Pinkie Pie. Looks a tad pudgy but she’s so energetic. Nice shade of pink, curly hair, probably wild in the sack. Then again, she can go from funny to scary in ten seconds flat. I’ll rate her a seven.] Seven what? Are you scoring how attractive my friends are? [Nope, just, uh. . . an objective measurement of physical characteristics and geometric curvature. Now, since Rarity is speaking: the snow-white fur is lovely, and her mane expertly done. Unfortunately, she’s a bitch. I’ll give her a four out of ten until her attitude approves. Maybe I’ll put her at seven when she pulls the aforementioned stick out of her ass.] What’ll it take to get you to stop? My friends aren’t slabs of meat, you know. [I know, because if Applejack was a steak I’d gobble her up. I mean, look at her! Those muscles are massive for a mare, and yet, not large enough to be unattractive. I bet she could crack nuts between those thighs, and not just almonds. Imagine a night with her after a long sweaty day in the fields—she’s easily an eight.] Look, if you don’t stop now you’ll regret it. You were pretty cool with Scoots so I was gonna go easy on you tonight. [Hah! Easy on me? I’m stuck, you're stuck, and your magical god-powers are broken! What more could go wrong? Just look at Twilight: does that look like confidence to you? I bet her mentor can’t fix us either. This is my life now. At the very least, I can imagine the naughty things she has learned in books about pleasuring a mare with her horn. I give her a nine.] Stop, I can barely hear what they’re saying! [Next is Fluttershy—] Dammit, leave her outta this! You are a human. You aren’t allowed to like ponies! [But look at her! Really look. I don’t know why. . . but ever since I got here. . . wow. Her fur feels like wrapping myself up in warm silk. Her hooves are magical, melting my sore muscles like snow on a sunny day.] I’m counting to three. Stop, or else! [So gentle, shy, that laugh. . . She is the full package. Forget Soarin, you should totally bang her. She’s a ten out of ten!] One. [I wonder if she’s kinky. Maybe if she has a dungeon that’s not such a bad thing after all.] TWO. [Maybe she hides it in that shed next to her house. I mean, she’d just need a couple of tables and some straps.] “THREE!” Dash shouted. I noticed everypony in the room looking at her intently as she huffed. “Dash, are you okay?” Twilight asked. “Yeah. . . but Don is being insufferable!” Dash whined. Applejack came over and tried to rub Dash’s back and calm her down. “What do ya mean, sugarcube?” “Ugh, he gets bored when he’s not in control and won’t shut up! He just sits there narrating everything I do!” Dash shrugged AJ’s hoof off and began to pace around. “I don’t know how much longer we can go on like this! When he tries to act like a pony I have to stop him so he doesn’t turn into another me, and when he acts like a human he’s such an ass!” “Dash, please, calm down.” Twilight walked over and used her magic to unfasten the necklace. “You are both in a very difficult situation. The fact you’re this worked up proves to me you’re not at risk of blending together or dying anytime soon. Plus, I swear that I won’t rest until I’ve fixed this. You’re one of my best friends, Dash.” Dash made her way back to the grey bean bag and laid on her side in it. “Thanks.” “What do ya mean ‘dying’?” Applejack asked. Twilight frowned as she levitated the rest of the Elements back towards the case. “My best theory is one mind can’t hold two consciousnesses. That means, if we don’t fix this, either Dash or Don will have to. . . go away, permanently.” “No!” Fluttershy protested. “Please, it’s not his fault he’s here. You can’t let either of them get hurt!” “I don’t plan to, Fluttershy. If I had to choose to save Dash by taking another life. . . I don’t think I could. That’s why I’m going to fix this. Celestia sent this earlier.” Twilight levitated out a scroll with a broken seal. “What’s it say?” Rarity inquired. “Celestia hasn’t heard from the Crystal Empire in weeks. Cadance missed a scheduled economic report but she thought little of it. Then, Shining didn’t show for routine military drills with the Royal Guard. When Celestia sent a letter inquiring about the odd absences, she received no response.” I could sense the memories in Dash’s mind about the Crystal Empire, and I reached out timidly towards them, accessing all she knew about the situation. Dash still seemed pretty upset about my earlier shenanigan so I kept quiet and to myself. “So she wants us to go check in and pay ‘em a visit?” Applejack asked. “Yes,” Twilight replied. “It isn’t a big enough problem yet to need her direct intervention, and should be a learning experience for me. Also, it’s my brother. Even if she went, I’d demand to go to and help. Without the Element of Loyalty, though. . .” Dash got out of the bean bag and stood up. “Don’t even think about it! Where you girls go, I’m going. I don’t need a stinkin’ Element to protect myself.” “And what if we run into a new enemy? What if we need the Elements to banish evil again? No, it’s time I told Celestia what happened to you. She’ll have to investigate this one without us. The Elements are staying right here until we fix this even if it means I won’t get to find my brother.” I saw a tear roll down Twilight’s cheek as the other ponies gathered around and hugged her. [We have to help her find her brother.] No shit. Now go back to your corner. [I’m sorry, I got carried away.] If you’re sorry sit down and shut up. “Look, Twilight, let her know about my condition. . . but I am going to the Crystal Empire with you. The six of us,” Dash waved a hoof around, “our friendship will be enough. Even when we couldn’t reach the Elements at the wedding we still came through alright.” Twilight smiled and rubbed her cheek. “Thanks, Dash. I’ll send her the letter right away. It’s getting late. There are some snacks in the kitchen, girls. Help yourself and meet back here tomorrow.” I kept quiet, falling back on an old technique I’d learned as a kid. When you do something to piss off your mother, you shut up and act on your best behavior to avoid being punished. It rarely ever worked as a kid, yet it was worth a shot. Dash grabbed some apples to eat, along with some cheese and crackers. She even ate some peanut butter, which was delicious. I waited patiently until she left and flew home to her cloud in the sky. She landed and walked inside, closing the door behind her and shutting the windows to block out the wind. After feeding Tank and checking on everything in the house, she headed to her bedroom. I still wasn’t sure if I should speak up, or if my little rating system of her friends was truly that offensive. I spent some time trying to search her memories to find out why she was so defensive around Fluttershy. Whatever happened between them, Dash kept it close to the center of her mind. I could not reach that far without risking losing myself into her network of memories. Dash smiled as she walked into the bathroom and reached into one of the drawers. I appreciate your good behavior, but it’s too little, too late. I’m going to teach you a lesson on respecting my boundaries in the only way I think you’ll understand. [Dash, I’m sorry. Look, I don’t know why Fluttershy is a sore subject, but I know it is now, and I’ll leave her out of my jokes.] It’s not just that. You ignore my warnings, violate my personal space, punched my date, are always being a smart ass, and keep hitting on my friends! You want to explore my sexuality so badly? Well, I’m granting your wish. [Dash? What do you mean?] I seem to be solidly in control right now, so I’m going to punish your bad behavior by giving you exactly what you want. After this, you’ll apologize profusely and we’ll be even. From tomorrow onward we’re going to work together to fix this mess. Understood? [I still don’t get what the punishment is.] Dash pulled a large black object out of the drawer. [Please tell me that’s a big flashlight.] Nope! Now, I believe somepony wanted to experience the female side of intimacy. [Hehe, y-you really had me going there. Good one! I’m sorry and I swear I’ll behave now. Wait, where are you going? The bathroom is that way! You put that away—okay, we’re in your bedroom! Just drop it on the floor! NO! You m-monster! OOOH!]