//------------------------------// // Tinkle Golden And The Enraged Dick // Story: The Poly Little Pony // by Chatoyance //------------------------------// I am a prude. Oh, more than that, I am a queen of ice, repressed, frigid, and with a stick up my ass. Basically, sex scares the bejezus out of me. I find it awkward, grotesque, and... gooey. Ewww. For me, sex seems like trying to change a lightbulb inside of a running tumble-dryer while being drowned in spoiled sandwich fillings. Of course, this all could be due to my unpleasant first adolescence - my second one was much better, but the first sort of colored everything - in shades of ugly and horror. One way I cope with the loathesome fact of sexuality simply existing in the world is with humor. Sick, adolescent, childish humor! Because... that is where I am stuck developmentally. Why not join in, and witness my personal pathos through this happy, fun, silly little story of a very oddly named native Equestrian working in a Conversion Bureau... say hello to 'Tinkle Golden'! Tinkle Golden And The Enraged Dick By Petal Chatoyance, A Unicorn Of Some Note Tinkle Golden was there for the freshly converted Newfoal, as he regained consciousness. He was her first conversion since she had been assigned to the Boise, Idaho Conversion Bureau. She hadn't done much more than watch and try to comfort the poor creature, but because he was her first, she felt a special concern for him. "Hello! Do you remember your name?" Tinkle had been told to ask that. Apparently it was a useful way to get the newly converted fully awake, and to help conquer any disorientation. The nut brown stallion stirred and opened an eye. "Uh... hello? Hi?" "Hello!" Tinkle felt proud. She had helped bring a new stallion into the world, and had helped save one more of the human creatures from destruction. "I have to ask... do you remember your name?" The stallion on the blankets tried to get up. He had been set there by the Bureau staff to rest until he awoke from his Conversion Dream. "I'm... I'm Dick. I'm Dr. Richard Head. I... I used to work at the medivac center. Oh... sweet Celestia.." Dick looked surprised. "Did I just say that?" "Yes! It's a ponyism. I'm supposed to look for those and note them. They're quite natural." Tinkle reasoned it might be comforting to make simple conversation. The Newfoal looked more than a little out of it, and it was clear that the expected Conversion Euphoria had not kicked in yet. But what to talk about? "Um... 'Dick' was it?" Tinkle had always wondered about human names. This might be an excellent opportunity to ask one - well, a former one - about such matters. "Tell me about your name!" Tinkle smiled, broadly. It was fun helping ponies! "Uh... um... huh?" The stallion was trying to stand, but so far had only succeeded in pawing at the blankets with his hooves. "Tell me about your name? What is a 'Dick' anyway?" Human names were so mysterious. Tinkle had thought that she had understood English, but there were so many terms and words she had no meaning for. Maybe this stallion's name wasn't a thing, but a verb or something. "Or...what is 'Dicking', if that is better?" "WHAT???" Dick the stallion was fully awake now, and not entirely sure what the muffin he was somehow involved in. "If you're a Dick, what is Dicking?" Tinkle repeated. "Do you Dick around, or do you just like Dicks? Are Dicks fun to play with or is it something you like to eat?" Reasonable questions. Her aunt, Candy Ass loved eating and making candy, and her work with homeless donkeys had gained her the Equestrian Heart of Gold medal. "WHAT? WHO THE MUFFIN ARE YOU? WHAT IS GOING ON?" It was odd - the Newfoal stallion didn't seem to have a bit of Conversion Euphoria going on - if anything, he seemed upset! "Oh, I'm sorry!" Tinkle Golden worried that she had somehow said something wrong. Humans - even former humans - were so difficult to understand. "I was just trying to understand, Dick Head! I thought you liked Dicks a lot, or that Dicking was something you enjoyed." Dr. Richard Head, former human, now a pegasus stallion, could do nothing but stare. "I was trying to figure out how human names work!" Tinkle was very worried now. The stallion did not seem happy. "W-What... what the... I don't... what is your name then?" Dick could tell the poor little mare had no idea what she was saying. "Tinkle. Tinkle Golden. That's my name." Tinkle smiled and giggled. "I was trying to understand your name. Equestrians have names that refer to what they love or do or something about them. Like my mother - 'Pea Break'" "WHATTT???" The stallion was upset again. "She loves to make split pea soup. It's her specialty. Her cutie mark is a bowl with a..." Richard interrupted the mare. "Who... who are you again?" He was starting to feel strangely giddy for some reason. Happy. It was Conversion Euphoria. Of course. He would probably be silly for a while, as his brain adapted to no longer feeling those old hunter-gatherer, always on edge, fight or flee earthly instincts. "I'm Tinkle Golden!" The mare grinned, happily. She was making a personal connection with Dick! "Tink... Tin..." Richard was laughing now, the euphoria fully in swing, and all he could think of was... oh, sweet Luna... but! He tried to sober himself up. He didn't want to offend the little mare. Besides, he noted, his new brain was finding her quite... attractive. "Uh, ahem... ah... Tinkle..." It was all he could do not to giggle at her name. She had no idea how humans would see it. "What does your name mean.. then?" Maybe if he could understand how she looked at things, he would know how to answer her... rather confused... questions. Richard tried to think of what 'Tinkle Golden' might mean to an Equestrian, and not a human. Probably she liked music boxes and honey. Tinkle... Golden. Or maybe rain and sunshine. Tinkle Golden whipped her tail back and forth in joy. Dick was like putty in her hooves, now. She could see that the Newfoal had mellowed greatly as the euphoria took him. This was good. Soon she'd have this Dick straightened out. "Oh, my name?" Tinkle smiled warmly "I really like to pee."