//------------------------------// // VII: How to Make a Surfer Girl Disappear // Story: Friendship is Drama // by HipsterShiningArmor //------------------------------// Heather had a bloody nose. Yes, just about every square inch of her body was in pain right now. Yes, there wasn't really anything she could do about it as she was semi-conscious at best. Not could she really go anywhere because she was lying on a bed, hooked up to some strange wires and she had a bad feeling that if she left, it would probably end up doing something really bad to her body. But at the moment, the only thing Heather could think about was the blood gushing from her left nostril and all over her body. Immediately after that, though, was the realization that she was awake for the first time in god knows how long. "H-how long have I been here?" She asked to no one in particular. "About a week," she heard a doctor reply, "Welcome back, by the way." "She's back!?" Pinkie Pie suddenly popped out of nowhere in front of the recovering human, "Welcome back, Heather! We're having a get well soon party once you get out of the hospital, so I'm hopping you make a speedy recovery." "So, that's where I am right now... makes sense I guess" Heather exclaimed, events starting to rush back into her head. Including the one about how she got her ass handed to her, "Hey, do you mind getting me a tissue or something, I think my nose exploded or something." Pinkie Pie returned with a box in a flash. "Yeah... thanks," Heather said, "You do know it was your friend AppleJackass that did this to me, right?" Pinkie started laughing, "AppleJackass, that's a good one. I should use that sometime when she's being a twat. But wait a minute... she never acts like a twat." "I'd say beating me to within an inch of my life is pretty twatish, wouldn't you?" "Well, you did punch her in the face first." "Who's side are you on, Pinkie?" "My best friend's..." "Well, I guess there won't be any party then," Heather said with a faint smile. Pinkie frowned, "What do you mean?" "Well, if you're not on my side then you don't like me. And if you don't like me, then there can't be any party. Sorry it has to be this way Pinkie, but I can't have fun with someone who hates me." Pinkie looked like she was going to cry. Heather had essentially created a false dichotomy between one of her best friends and throwing a party she had planned for a while now (well, as much of 'a while' as over a week can get,) and Pinkie has a tendency to handle dichotomies, false or otherwise, very poorly. As in "I'm going to create clones of myself so I don't have to deal with this shit" level poorly. So, while Pinkie was having a mental breakdown, Heather slowly sat up, just enough to feel the pain start to rush into her body. It was only once Heather sat up then she began to remember just how badly Applejack beat the piss out of her. She noticed the large cast on her left leg, the multiple patches and bandages all across her body and the fact that most of the wires looked like they were hooked directly into her blood stream. That last part was probably the scariest, the fact that she seemingly needed blood simply to survive. Cautiously, Heather looked around the room, hoping to not break any of the wires. The only people, pony or otherwise, that were in the room were Pinkie and the aforementioned doctor, who looked like she seriously had no idea what she was doing. On the bedside table next to her there were a few cards. The first one was a get well soon card from Pinkie with a pop out picture of a chicken. Why she chose a chicken, Heather had no idea... unless... "Oh, I see you found my card!" Pinkie said happily, apparently forgetting about her existential crisis from a few moments ago, "Did you like it? Did you?" "Its... nice." Heather said, "But, um, why a chicken? Did you think I really liked chickens? Were you... were you calling me a slut?" "A what?" Pinkie asked. "A slut," Heather repeated. "Yeah, I heard what you said, but I don't know what that means," Pinkie replied. "Well, its a... wait, why am I explaining this to you?" Heather asked. "Because we're friends," Pinkie replied with a smile. Heather sighed, "I guess its a derogatory term for a woman who has sex a lot." "Wait, that's an insult in your homeland?" Pinkie asked. "I... I guess?" Heather said. "Well, that sounds terrible, what kind of person would want to judge someone else for having fun?" "Huh," Heather said, "I never really thought of it like that." Before Heather or Pinkie could continue their respective trains of thought, Heather's, um, friends bursted into the room. "We heard you were awake," Courtney said. "Yup, I'm awake," Heather replied, "Totally awake, not asleep at all." "How are you feeling?" Courtney asked. "Well, I've been unconscious for a week, I have several broken bones and, oh yeah, there's still blood shooting out of my nose," Heather said, quickly grabbing a few tissues to help plug up her left nostril, "Other than that, just peachy." "Well, you could've just said not too good, you didn't have to be rude about it," Courtney huffed. "Did you see the card we made you?" Izzy asked. "What card?" Heather asked. "So no, then," Izzy said, "Its on the table right next to you. And I promise, nothing will explode when you open it." "Oddly specific," Heather replied, "but then again, this is you we're talking about, so still helpful. Alright, let's see what this card says." Unlike Pinkie's card, which looked like it could've been purchased from Pony Hallmark, this card was just a blank off-white sheet of paper with handwriting on it. Opening the card up, Heather saw that each of the other girl's had written their own little paragraph, and going clockwise from the top left there was. "Hey, remember that time you got your ass beat by a little pony? Good times, good times. From, Gwen," Heather read. "Hey, I'm not going to pretend I didn't enjoy hearing that someone kicked your ass," Gwen said, "Although seeing you laying there in a pool of blood was mildly traumatizing." "That bad, huh?" Heather asked. "So... much... blood," Gwen said, "I would've loved it back in my vampire phase." "Yeah, I'm just gonna pretend I didn't hear that," Heather said, "Alright next note: 'Heather, I heard about what happened at Sweet Apple Acres and I hope you have a speedy recovery'... Courtney, could I ask you something?" "What?" She asked. "Could you pretend just for once that you aren't a soulless corporate shill?" "Hey, that's not very fair," Gwen laughed, "Courtney, you stay true to yourself no matter what anyone tells you." "I hate both of you so much," Courtney said, while the other girls all started laughing. "Ow it hurts to laugh," Heather said, "Ok, next message... this one has a bunch of stuff that's crossed out and then, 'Sorry, I thought this was a letter for Luna. Heather... keep doing you I guess'." "Wait, who's Luna?" Courtney asked. "Oh, just someone I met," Lindsay said. "Why the hell would you think a get well card for me would be about this Luna character?" Heather exclaimed. Lindsay sighed, "Heather, do you know me?" Heather shrugged, "Fair point I guess. Alright, next we have Bridgette's note... and it says +Izzy at the bottom... bitch, you didn't even write your own note, you just tagged along with Bridgette's." "Its not my fault," Izzy whined, "I didn't know what to write. Besides, I didn't think you'd really care about a card, we just did it because the purple one suggested it." "You mean Twilight?" Gwen asked. "I know what I said," Izzy replied. "Wait a second," Heather said, "Where the hell is Bridgette?" Bridgette had heard that Heather was waking up, and was making her way to the hospital to see her. Granted, she still didn't really care that much, but she figured it would be rude not to say something, especially considering she was the one who found her... dying... in a puddle of her own blood... As Bridgette was trying to clear up her own thoughts, she was approached by a small, light green unicorn with a lyre for a, ahem, cutie mark. She looked excited to see Bridgette, perhaps a little bit uncomfortably so. "Hello there," Bridgette said, "My name is Bridgette, what's yours." "I'm Lyra," the pony said, still grinning creepily from ear to ear. "Um... its nice to meet you Lyra," Bridgette went on, "Can- can I help you with something?" "No," Lyra said, "But maybe you can help me." "Well, isn't that what I just-" But Bridgette never did finish that sentence. All of a sudden she felt a sharp pain in the back of her head, and the next time she awoke she was... someplace else. "Actually, nobody's quite sure where Bridgette is," Gwen said. "Rainbow Dash and Rarity are out looking for her," Pinkie Pie added. "Oh right, you're still here," Heather said. "Why wouldn't I be, silly," Pinkie said, "I wouldn't just leave one of my new friends alone." "I know its not really my place," the doctor said, "but if I had to guess, I'd say she's been abducted by aliens." "By what now?" Courtney asked. "You know, aliens," the doctor said, "beings from beyond Equestria, frequently appear in Ridley Scott movies... they built the pyramids several thousand years ago." "Oh..." Heather said, "You're one of those people, huh? Wait, does Equestria even have Pyramids?" "It... honestly doesn't," Pinkie said, "So I'm not sure what you're going on about, doc." "Wait, doc?" The doctor asked. "Well, you are a doctor, right?" Heather asked. "Well, why would you think that?" The 'doctor' replied. "Well... because you're wearing a lab coat... and a stethoscope... and..." "Heather, let me handle this one," Courtney said. She then cleared her throat and shouted "Security!" at the top of her lungs. "What's the problem miss- oh, its you again, Screwball." "Its aliens I tell you," Screwball said, "Aliens! ALIENS!" "Yeah, sorry about this. She tends to get in here a lot somehow," the security guard said, "we'll escort her out right away." As the guards and the fake doctor were leaving, Twilight Sparkle showed up. "Hey, sorry I'm late Pinkie, how's Heather?" "Oh for fuck sake, why does everyone keep asking me how I'm feeling?" Heather asked, "I've just been unconscious for like a week." "Well, to be fair, that was because we drugged you, not because you were in a coma." Twilight responded. "Sure, but you would've had had to drug me if I wasn't beaten half to death, courtesy of your BFF," Heather replied. "Well, next time don't punch her in the face," Twilight said, "By the way, she's still pissed at you and she's demanding you move somewhere else." "Well, that's nice to hear," Heather said. "So, no luck finding Bridgette?" Twilight asked. "No," Gwen said, "Although to be honest we haven't really left this room." "So... should we leave then to look for her?" Lindsay asked. "I wouldn't mind it," Heather said, "It'd be nice to get some peace and quiet around here... maybe watch a little TV or something." "What's a TV?" Twilight asked. Heather sighed, "Oh right, I forgot how dull Equestria was." "Hey, Equestria isn't dull," Twilight said, "We have crazy monsters attack this place all the time." "Wait, what?" Courtney asked, "That would've been nice to know when we first arrived, Twilight." "Specifically, what kind of crazy monsters are we talking about here?" Gwen asked, "Are we talking Dracula, C'thulu, or, like, Hitler." "I have no idea what any of those are," Twilight said, "but the monsters are usually really bad dudes set out to conquer or destroy Equestria. Although sometimes they get reformed." "So, more along the lines of the first two," Courtney said, "Also, are you sure its a good idea to trust 'reformed villains'?" "Honestly no," Twilight said, "but sometimes its worth a try." Heather cleared her throat, "So, not to be rude or anything, but shouldn't you guys be looking for Bridgette?" "Right," Twilight said, "Let's go do that. You get some rest, Heather." "Yeah, that's what I'm trying to do," she said. The humans and ponies quickly cleared out of the room, leaving Heather alone, at least until the next doctor or nurse arrives. "Alright, those cards were actually kinda sweet," Heather said to herself, "Although I'm never telling them that." "I wouldn't dream of mentioning it," she heard a male voice say. Heather's eyes shot wide open, "What? Who's there? Spike, I swear to God if that's you I'm gonna..." "Sorry, allow me to introduce myself," the voice said, and suddenly a being materialized in front of her. He looked like... well, he was certainly no pony. "Wait, you think I sound like Spike?" the being said, "But he's a child." "Well, not really, but I don't know any other men in Equestria," Heather said, "Well, I guess there's also Burger Boy, although he probably wouldn't be too thrilled to see me, what with me punching his sister and all. Anyways, who are you and what are you doing here?" "Well, that isn't very poilte," he said, "I was simply curious about meeting the new human's, and I decided I'd start with you because, well, you're a little compromised at the moment." "Okay, that right there," Heather said, "what you just said is something a stalker would say. So I don't know if you're just bad at social interaction, or if you just really want to see me without my pants on and don't care if its consensual or not, but either way you're making a really terrible first impression." To be honest, Heather knew it was a terrible idea to talk to a terrifying-looking creature that towered over her in that way, but she was feeling extra snarky today after being out for a week and really didn't care at the moment. "Are you done?" the being said, "Because if so, my name is Discord. You could describe me as one of those "reformed villains" that Twilight mentioned earlier, but I prefer to think I was never really evil to begin with. Just... chaotic." "Well, I don't know about evil, but you definitely seem like a creeper with a very poor understanding of boundaries. Also, Discord? Doesn't that mean chaos? Did your parents hate you?" Discord was about to respond, but quickly bit his lip and averted Heather's gaze. "Oh god, they did, didn't they?" Heather said, and burst into laughter, "Oh my god, that is too funny... ow it hurts to laugh." "You know, I was trying to be nice," Discord said, "But I was once the most feared being in all of Equestria, and I could show you I had that reputation." "You could, but you will not," a familiar voice called out as Fluttershy flew through the window of the hospital room. "Oh sure, just invite more people, its not like I just literally sent everyone out," Heather complained. "Discord, you know what would happen if you attacked Heather or anyone else, right?" Fluttershy asked. "Well, yes, but..." "And you don't want that to happen, do you?" "Well, no, but..." "Then play nice, Discord," Fluttershy reprimanded. Discord sighed, "Alright then Fluttershy, but I'd suggest you tell the same thing to your human friend over there. After all, we all saw what happened to her." And with that, Discord disappeared from the room, leaving only Heather and Fluttershy. "Oh hi Heather, I just heard you woke up," Fluttershy said happily, "How's it going.?" Heather sighed, "Look... thanks for helping me out... but who was that guy?" "Discord is... interesting," Fluttershy said, "He used to be an enemy of ours, but Princess Celestia and myself both believe he can be an important ally if we show him enough kindness." "Well, good luck with that," Heather said, "Now, if you don't mind, I'm trying to get some rest." "Oh, sorry," Fluttershy said, "I'll let you sleep. Good night." Heather was finally alone again... and she didn't like it. "I just realized, I literally have fuck all to do," Heather said. "So, tell me why you brought us into this abandoned club house again?" Lindsay asked. Izzy sighed, "Look, most of us aren't happy living where we are, and the ponies aren't happy with us eating their food and whatnot. So, I was thinking we should go get jobs, put our money together and buy our own place, just the four of us." "Four?" Gwen asked. "Well, I think we could use Bridgette's help, but she's regrettably still MIA," Izzy said. "Okay, I'm down with everything you just said except for... um... all of it," Gwen said, "First of all, how are we supposed to get jobs? We're humans and a pony's world, and since we're the first humans to live here, I'm gonna guess there's no affirmative action for us." "Well, not with that attitude," Izzy said. "Not with any attitude," Gwen countered, "Look, the only jobs we could hope to ever get are, like, exotic sex worker or something, and personally I'm not thrilled with the prospect of putting horse dick in my mouth. Secondly, none of us have gotten kicked out, so there's really no reason to do this. Hell, the only person that has gotten kicked out of their place is Heather, and we're apparently not involving her." "Okay, fair points," Izzy said, before pointing to Lindsay and saying "Counterpoint, go." "Wait, why am I the counterpoint?" Lindsay asked. "Well, Gwen's attacking my plan, you're defending it, and I'm the mediator. That's how this debate shit works, right?" Izzy asked. "But its your plan! Why are you asking me to defend your plan?" Lindsay asked, "That's stupid; defend your own damn plan, I'll be the mediator." "Yeah, you heard the woman Izzy." "Alright then, here me out," Izzy said, "Firstly, we can set our own rules, no having to deal with ponies who think they're our parents. Also, we won't have to deal with Rarity and the others in any capacity unless we want to. And thirdly, there are always jobs around if you look hard enough. Sure, they might not be fun or enjoyable jobs, they might even be a little bit soul-crushing, but if we put all our money together then we won't have to be there very long." "Yeah, but even if the job thing somehow works out, we still have no idea what the housing market looks like in Ponyville, and its already kinda soul-crushing to have to pay attention to that sort of thing," Gwen said. "Well okay then," Izzy said, "You can sit on your ass all day and do nothing if you want." "I don't sit on my ass all day," Gwen said, "I draw, I write..." "Both of which involve sitting on your ass," Izzy replied. "Okay, I feel like this is getting a little hostile," Lindsay said, "Maybe we should change the subject and come back to it later when one of our friends isn't missing and another, um, acquaintance isn't in the hospital." "Well, screw you guys then," Izzy said, "The next time you see me, I'll have a job, and I'll be making a pile of cash so huge you'll have to climb it." "You stole that line from Monster," Gwen said, "Did not," Izzy shouted as suddenly a puff of smoke appeared. By the time the smoke had cleared, she was gone. "You know, Indi certainly is an odd one," Lindsay said, "I can never quite tell what's going on in that brain of hers." "Who- wait, you mean Izzy?" Gwen asked. "Yeah her. Anyways, I know you're probably gonna say no to this, but do you wanna go shopping with me?" "Well..." Gwen started, "Oh what the hell, why not. I could use some new clothes anyway. Not that they'd have anything in either of our sizes, but I'm sure we could ask Rarity to work her magic." "You think she'd do it?" Lindsay asked. "Rarity is a creative person... er, pony," Gwen said, "Any chance we get to redesign or improve something, we'll jump at the chance." "Huh," Lindsay said, "I'll, uh, I'll keep that in mind. Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash and Rarity were still looking for any signs of where Bridgette might be. "I feel like we've checked everywhere in Ponyville, and I'm getting awfully tired," Rarity said. "Oh stop being a drama queen Rarity, I've been searching for just as long as you have and you don't see me complaining," Rainbow Dash said. "Yes Rainbow, but you can fly," Rarity countered. "And you think my wings don't get tired?" Dash responded. Rarity grumbled, "Anyway, you don't think she could've gone on the train somewhere, could she?" Dash shrugged, "I don't know. I guess its possible. I don't see where she would go or why, but I don't know where else we haven't looked." "Wait a second," Rarity said quickly, "We haven't looked inside any homes aside from our own." "Yeah, well, that's because they're private property," Rainbow Dash said, "We can't exactly go barging through doors saying 'hey everyone, I'm looking for a blonde girl, mind if you stop what you're doing so we can look around'?" "Well, yes I know," Rarity said, "But where else do you think she could possibly be? Besides, I have a hunch about which house she might be in?" "Well, do tell, Rarity," Rainbow Dash exclaimed. "Well, remember how on the human's first day here you told them to avoid Lyra? And remember how we've mostly managed to keep her away from the humans up until now?" "And you think she's got Bridgette?" Dash asked. "I don't know, but if I were a betting girl, I'd say probably," Rarity replied. Dash let out an defeated sigh, "She's fucked then, isn't she?" "Oh pretty much," Rarity replied, "But I guess we have to at least try to do something, don't we?" Dash sighed again, "Being the hero sucks sometimes." "Trust me, I know."