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// Journal: Dec. 12th and Dec. 14th 
// Story: Annabelle's Book 
// by -GLaDOS- 
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December 12th:

I like how the first thing you tell me after all that, is that my entries for the past few day haven't been good. I tell you all about something I didn't want to tell you about, and that is what you tell me? I know that sometimes I say your whole doctor attitude can get annoying, but I would rather you do that then just be straight rude. Honestly, after I said all that, I was expecting the whole doctor thing to cheer me up. Instead, I was told that what I was doing isn't good enough. It should be good enough that I'm doing this at all. I haven't really followed your rules at all anyway.

I didn't want to talk about my mom because she is just another thing I lost that I loved. My life could have been a lot better, and every time I think about her, it makes me angry. Normal little fillies and colts, they dream. They dream big, and they want to accomplish big, and believe they are special. My mom tried to make me want to accomplish, and wanted me to think I was special. But I don't understand how she could make me think like I am worth it, and feel like I am worth it... But in the end, she left me in the dirt. I was left behind, standing in my brothers shadow, and stuck behind how great my twin sisters were too. I grew up know I would be a buck up. A diapered idiot, that nobody actually sees for who she is. Just a pony that still soils herself. How I would wish that I had someone that understood me. Oh wait! I do! Wait a second, I did. The only mare on the planet that understands you, from the day you are born, is your mother. I couldn't have that either.

I could go on and on, see how talking about it already got me down on myself? That is why I didn't want to talk about it in the first place. Well, I guess I will get back into the journal routine, and express my feelings instead of complaining. I suppose some things went better today, after that awkward silence in your office. I actually want to talk to you about the journal in your office tomorrow. So we can discuss how many journal entries I make. You really think that one a day is a good idea? Why not 3 a week, or something. Then I will make a abridged, but detailed entry on the past couple of days. It must be boring reading about the crap I do everyday. I really am boring aren't I?

We will talk about that tomorrow, but I should just stick with today. Right now it is around 11, and I was feeling pretty depressed this morning. After I came home from being out all day yesterday, I looked at all those pictures really late. They were what encouraged me to write to you. I was thinking about raging again, but then I noticed that I was having mare complications if you know what I mean. So if I was being a bitch, I am sorry. I don't know what got into me, but I think you could have understood. Was it even that bad?

Back to where I was. I was pretty depressed this morning, because the shenanigans yesterday made me pull out all my old stuff. It was scattered around my room, so I woke up and wanted to be like; "Yay, new day, now I can forget all that junk from last night" but no, I don't clean up, ever, so it was more like; "Yay, a new day- Oh, there is that picture, that reminds me of that really depressing moment...".

I went pretty bad last night, I had to change the sheets on my bed because I leaked. Maybe it was because I was drinking a lot of wine, or whatever alcoholic beverages I could find around my apartment. Don't worry, I'm not a drunk. Every once in awhile I drink, most of the time when I have unknown emotions. When I do, at least this stupid diaper does me something, by punishing me for it. I already have trouble getting up in the morning, so that is also a reason why alcohol doesn't work for me most of the time.

I went to you, then I just enjoyed walking down the streets. It snowed again last night, so it was nice to enjoy the winter weather again. Things went my way this time. It started to rain! Most ponies get depressed from the cold, icy, and the sad atmosphere it creates, but I enjoy it. For one reason or another, it wasn't cold enough for snow again. I went shopping, since everypony was inside, stepping around in the cold slush. I got pretty wet, and the dress was pointless because you could see right through it. As I said, nopony was out, so it worked.

When I got home, I saw that stuff again. Why I didn't put it away? I don't know, it was probably because I was hungover. It brought back some memories, and I couldn't help but to look through some old things after I changed out of my soaked dress, and got on a fresh undergarment. A lot of it was photos, scrapbooks, and some paperwork. They were stored in boxes that my dad forced me to take when I moved out. There was another box in my closet, that had to be pulled out eventually, but not today.

Maybe I will look at it tomorrow and write about it for you. I have no idea what it is in there. I skipped the diner again, I usually don't go everyday anyway, they won't notice. I hope you take up the a journal every few days, and having all the detail of them in one entry.
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Note:

Remember the whole talk on detail? If it is fresh in your mind every night, it will be easier to see what you are seeing. When we started, this was supposed to get a idea of your everyday life, not your life weekly. 

I guess you have a point though. You don't have too much to say. As long as you include what happened the previous day, we can set up a method where you come here, and write every other day. Anyway, everything sounded good, I would like to see whats in that other box though. Again, don't be afraid to bring things in. I'm still waiting on those foal pictures.

I apologize for my last note. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I was kind of annoyed, I have been angry because of what I have been going through lately. There may be a problem when the baby is born. I guess I will take a week off, and you can continue to write. Then you can come meet him, and I we will continue our sessions at my apartment. You can even see him in the hospital if you like.
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December 14th:

Holy bucking Celestia! I got the doc to agree on something, well hot damn. I think I am starting to get somewhere now he he he. I'm kidding, I won't be making anymore changes since you made my wish come true. I am worried about what you said about your son though. Will you really be gone for a week doc? What about the project? I'm not sure if I will write, if you are not reading. Hopefully I have different feelings when the time come. Good luck with the kid, it must stink being a single mother. I am still sure you will love him, and he will love you too. I am not very excited about meeting him though. Would it be awkward? I am your patient, I am sure you don't actually want me there, you are just being that way to be kind. Don't deny it either. I should move on. As promised, my reports will stay detailed, and speak of the the day we miss.

Yesterday, I took the opportunity to clean up. It was getting dirty, and it just gets to the point where it is unbearable. I clean the kitchen, hallway, my bedroom, and my bathroom. The kitchen usually has smudges on my appliances, little stains from my coffee mug on the table, and other little dirty things that a sponge has no problem cleaning. The hallway needed to be vacuumed, and I had to get all those old pictures, scrapbooks, and other junk, out of my bedroom. Last, but not least, was the bathroom. It is the cleanest room in the house, and I think you should know why. I only go in there to brush my teeth, brush my coat, and look at myself in the mirror. I actually do most of my changing in my bedroom. Something always comes around to me when I come to this bathroom, it's this smudge. I have no idea where it came from, or why it is there, but whenever I go to clean it, I can't. I ignore it, and don't clean the mirror at all.

When I stare into the mirror, I see myself. Ugly, little me, in my cute dress (more like really ugly dress). I stop myself from staring into my own eyes, and thinking about things that put me down, by looking at that smudge. Is it toothpaste?! Is it a hoofmark?! I have no idea what it bucking is! It is about the size of a hoof, maybe a little smaller. I should know who made it, since I never have any visitors. So when I looked at that smudge today, I didn't clean it again. Sad that I actually think about these simple little things. Most ponies don't stop and think about those very simple details that you don't notice in your everyday life.

Yesterday... I had a stomach ache. Maybe it was something I ate, but I don't really want to go into detail on that. The last thing I was thinking about doing after that was going to the diner. You think wetting yourself in public is bad? Think about how it is with the other way around. For all that is holy, I don't think you want, or need detail on that. I am just going to say I napped all day, and went to bed early after a long day, it beginning at noon.

So... boring. Today however, was a little more interesting. As promised, which I totally forgot about, I said I would open up the second box in my closet. Since the first box probably had just about everything depressing in it, I am really wondering what is in this second one. I bet it is just a bunch of belongings that my dad stuffed in there when I left. I need to tell you about that moment one day. You should have seen the- Not tears, not frown, and not normal old face, but actually the big, old, smile he had spread across his face the day I left. Now that folks, is what I call a loving father. 

Alright, so I took a shower a hour ago, and am dry for now. I opened up the box, and it was nothing too exciting. It was pretty heavy, and I almost broke my leg trying to open it. It had some weird items in it, and the box was actually kind of old. The first item was a helmet. Now this was not any helmet, it was the one that my mom got me. Now, I learned how the fly on my own through trial and error (More likes bumps, and more bruises), and since my mom was so busy working since dad was a lazy jerk, she bought me a helmet so I wouldn't crack my skull open. How generous of her. The next thing that laid in the box, was a plastic container full of dolls. Again, there weren't just any dolls, they were dolls that I loved. Why I loved them? My parents didn't get them for me. I got those dolls from finding them, or taking money out of my fathers wallet, the result was them being beaten. To this day, I have never felt bad for stealing money from him. Sometimes my brother got blamed for it, and I laughed my flank off when it wasn't me getting in trouble for once.

There were a few other random items that didn't belong in there. Like a plate from a China set, and a silverware set, wherever those came from. I found my moms old high school yearbook, but I forgot her maiden name, and couldn't find her. Last but not least, was another scrapbook. This one was special, because it had a lot of pictures when I was really young. I looked through, and found one of me in the nursery when I was born. Taken by my dad, and guess what, it was horrible quality. Sometimes I don't understand why ponies don't love their offspring, he couldn't even take a good picture! I am his daughter, do you have any idea doc?

That's it. I'm freezing, and getting sick of this holiday music on the radio. I am going to take some medicine so that I don't have any "pleasant surprises" from that stomach ache during the night. I guess this is goodnight doc, I won't see you in the morning. Even though I got off writing yesterday, I didn't get off from seeing you. Are you going to miss me? Probably not. Just don't have that baby on a day I'm not there, I want to see him.
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Note:

That was okay. This method will work out, but you should really start going back to that diner. It seems like you have friends there, I would rather you go be social, then being home and drinking. Even though you said there is ways your body stops you from doing it, I don't want you drinking. It is a very bad idea.

I would love for you to see him. Why would you think I wouldn't want to see you Annabelle? You really have no idea that we are very much the same. I am just as alone as you are! I'm 9 months pregnant, and single. I see a few doctors, and that is it! You are special, and unique, with a good story. I like talking to you, and reading your writing as well. You put in emotion, and that is why this project doesn't work for most. Everypony else just writes down boring things they think I want to hear. You put in your heart, and I like that.
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