Dececmber 8th:
I am the type of mare that would come back. That diner is the only place I feel at home. It feels... Special to me, if the ponies there are jerks, or not. I just like how it is unique, like myself, although it doesn't seem that way on the outside. The ponies there are all unique in that same way too, and I guess what you said was possible. They are all comfortable sharing their problems with the posse, but I don't think that he should have mentioned mine. Maybe if I knew him, we had been talking for awhile. The only people that are aloud to ask me about this problem is... You... and- I guess, you. Anyhow, I think he tried to correct himself, I will give Roger another chance it seems. You don't have too many questions about this stuff though doc, I don't think you would understand.
Well, something happened to me today, that really brought my mood down. I saw you at 2 today, after waking up this morning extremely late. We talked, and you know what we talked about. I gave you some more detail on the restaurant, and told you more about the ponies there. Once that was over, however, I walked home and saw something that touched me. There was a little filly, and her mother, both walking down the street. It must have been her first day going to school, probably a exchange student or something, but it was noticeable. The little foal being maybe around 4 or 5, was probably one of the cutest children I have ever seen, and her mother was very young. She was wearing a name tag, had all new things, and was wearing a big winter coat, and a scarf. I actually didn't think anything of it, before I saw the mother turn the little girl around.
"Where is the bus mommy?" The little one asked, as her ears were high up, listening around. Her fur coat was a light grey, and she had a dark brown mane, like her mother.
"Are you listening?" The mother replied, her voice was very soft.
"Yes mommy"
"It is a pulled cart. A lot like the ones you hear around here. The thing that is different about it, is all the excited foals just like you. I am sure you can make it out."
It was obvious that she was blind. Now, that is so much worse then my condition. I only have to deal with embarrassment, but her next statement made me feel sympathy, and later on, depression.
"Will they like me?"
"Well sweetie, I love you, and I know you are a very special girl, although you have a little problem. Just remember that if you can't run, then walk-" The little girl stopped her mother, by continuing her sentence.
"-And if you can't walk, then crawl, and if you can't crawl, then squirm. But whatever you do, do not stop moving forward" she smiled, and her voice was so innocent, and beautiful.
"That's right. Good luck okay, I see the cart coming now. I love you very much, and I always will. Don't let anyone be mean to you, just keep moving forward, and you will be a very smart mare when you grow up" the cart stopped in front of them, as I stood back and watched. The little filly felt around, trying to find the steps onto the yellow cart, and it wasn't until the mother helped her that she was on her way.
I walked passed that mare, and I looked back at her. She smiled at me, minutes after she stood at the stop in silence. Nopony ever smiles at me, I usually get smirks, or insults, but she actually smiled. I don't know, it was just touching, and it was sweet to see a mother and daughter like that. Especially a little girl that had a problem like her. That little filly was blind! I would get spitballs shot at me, given insults, but I could defend myself. That filly can't defend herself at all, and there could be so many cruel tricks for the bullies to come up with to mess with her.
When I got home it brought back some thoughts. I never been fully honest with you doc, and I told you awhile ago, but I didn't go into great detail. My real mother was a lot like me. We almost looked exactly like each other, and she loved me more then anything. That was before she divorced my father when I was 8, and left forever. I know I am the middle child, but she was the only one that respected me, up until I was 7. The reason my dad was able to abuse me, is because while he was home, my mom was always busy working. She was so beautiful, and kind when she was around, but I always displayed her to be the same as my dad, to avoid thinking about her. The mother I saw at the bus stop, the way she had affection for her daughter even though she was disabled, it reminded me a lot of my mom.
Now my step mother was my fathers partner in crime. She was a normal mother, but exactly the same as my father. Uncaring about me, and only really focused on my brother in college, and normal twin sisters. I pulled myself into this whole mess, when I looked through my mothers photo album when I got home.
You wouldn't believe how many pictures of me there were! All when I was only-
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December 9th:
Guess what time it is? It is 2, so why am I not at your office? From all this journal crap, I totally forgot about the soon coming holidays, and today it was snowing. A blizzard rolled through last night, and all the streets were covered with the plain white snow. I usually ignore it, but all the decorations around town were lit up too, and it is a lot like a winter wonderland. I never usually notice the sweet atmosphere in the air. I guess it is why they call it "The most wonderful time of year", it never had been a good time for me, all it brought was a ton more customers on the weekends where I shopped. I never had anyone to spend it with, I just have a glass of wine on Hearths Warming Eve, get a little tipsy, and sleep really late the next morning. Nobody was out anyway. So anyway, I decided I want to get more social on that night, instead of drunk. It will be a goal to actually have somewhere to go on Eve, or the actual day.
I had to go in the snow. I am not always just a lazy grouch, I had to go and hop around in the snow. I didn't even change, I just threw on boots, and ran out there. That wasn't a good idea, a couple probably noticed what I was wearing, and that it it was used. Oh well, I guess I am so used to it. In my school days, I didn't even have a dress to cover up the thing, when I did actually have accidents. That was the most embarrassing thing ever, being that my dad bought the cheapest possible diapers. I swear he just bought them to keep stains off his floor, not to actually bring me comfort.
I put my hoof marks in the first, new fallen snow of winter. The thing about this city though, that makes winter a little bit more "magical", some would say, is that the pegasi don't control the weather here. Can you believe that down south they do actually create it? I like how up here, everyday it is random. Down there, all the weather is scheduled. Sounds boring.
I stayed out until I was I couldn't stand the cold anymore. I went back into my beaten apartment, changed out of my used undergarment, took a shower, and put a new one on, along with a stupid dress. They make me pretty! Yeah, right. I couldn't make it to your office, because all the sidewalks on the smaller streets weren't shoveled, and I thought I would give you a break today so you could spend it with your son. Go outside, I bet he can feel the same sensation, even though he isn't out here yet. Enjoy your real baby, not me. I wonder when you are going to have him anyway. I hope I can see the little guy when he is born, I always loved foals. Cute, cuddly, and loving. I always wanted my own little one... But no chance I am ever getting pregnant. Ha, I can't even imagine that. Think of the irony though.
Meh. Not much to say today. If I can't make it to your office, I think it would be fair to say I can't make it to the diner either, since they are the same distance. You know what that means? I went out after playing in the snow, and cleaning up, and got some items at the nearby super market, to make some type of dinner for myself. Living alone has its benefits, like being able to cook whatever you want, as loud as you want, as dirty as you want, and best of all, singing as loud as you want. I will put on some Coldhay, because they are the best band ever, and I will sing my heart out while making- I think it will be soup, I am not exactly sure what it will be. I am sure it will be good, I don't think you can burn soup, right?
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Note:
Annabelle... What happened to the rest of the journal entry on the 8th? You actually sounded happy, and excited, like you were going to tell me something that could have helped you. I had to some stuff to say about your previous entry, but I really want to see what you said on your mother. I never learned about how you thought of her. If she has a lot of pictures of you, then she must have loved you (You should bring in those pictures some time, by the way)
You do notice that most of your life is shaped by your foalhood, right? From the day you are born, to when you turn about 5, your brain records everything it needs to know for a basic knowledge. Who do you learn everything from when you are little? Seeing that your older brother didn't care, and your sisters were born later on, it had to be from your parents. So everything you think about, and learned, is from the basic knowledge your parents taught you! Most of your personality comes from that, most ponies think it is genes, but it is actually that. If you tell me who your mother was, I can get to know you better. A mother to child relationship is a beautiful, beautiful thing, I want to hear about how your real mom treated you. It looks like you completely ripped that page out.
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December 10th:
Why I ripped it out? I didn't want to talk about it! It brings back way too many memories of her, and makes me angry that she actually left me, alone with my dad who totally didn't care about how I lived as a child. How do you think it felt being alone every night, to now, not being able to talk to the only pony that actually understood me. Do you even understand me? Not really, seeing that you are asking me about something I did not want to really talk about from the start. I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote that all down, it was a touching moment and all, but I shouldn't have brought all those thoughts back.
As soon as that scrap book opened, I slammed it shut, and ripped anything else I wrote, out. It was basically all jib-jab about how important a mother is to a young mare. Obviously she didn't give a flying feather, that her bucking diapered, disabled, filly, that loved her more then anything, wouldn't be with her anymore! She didn't understand the meaning of that relationship, she was just like everypony else! Not giving two craps about me. I am sick of it, I am not saying anything about my loyalmom. Sometimes I wonder why she didn't just get rid of me anyway. It probably would have made a lot of ponies lives a hell of a lot better.
Excellent, in my written out rage, I wet myself. Perfect. Now my body can't even give me a chance to go a hour of my life without running into problems. No wonder I am always alone doc, because I like being alone. Everypony has their own plans, and they all want to paint this picture of themselves while they step on others to do it. My dad wanted to look like a great father, making his oldest son go to college, and become a big business man. To do it, he ignored his daughter that still soiled herself. I guess if nopony can see that I am actually a pony, with feelings, and my own wishes for myself, there is no point in trying to interact with them all. I am going to take a shower, and drink some coffee. I don't know if I am coming back to this journal or not, maybe I will change my mind. I think it will be pointless if I am staying in here all the time.
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Note:
First, I would like you to know that I am very sorry about your situation. Sorry that I mentioned anything at all about you continuing. I should have asked you in the office, gotten the answer, and ended it there. You just can't do this to yourself Annabelle. I honestly don't understand you, we only have known each other for a short time, but I am trying to understand you. You're extremely unique, and intelligent, I just want you to get out there, so you can feel love, and find friendship. I didn't expect you to blow up, and get angry like that.
Lets just take this step by step... I am obviously pregnant, I think we have gotten that point across. Your mother has held you in her stomach for 9 months. She fed you when you couldn't feed yourself, she took lots of pictures, and I am sure she thought you were the most beautiful little filly in Equestria at one point. She taught you to walk, she taught you to talk, she cradled you when you cried, she burped you when you needed to be burped, and she even changed you when you needed to be changed. It is motherly love, and I already feel it myself, and I got a couple weeks ago... It is a burning passion, that is extremely hard to ignore. All mothers feel it, it is in their nature. So do you think after all that love she had given you, she would have left just to hurt you? Annabelle, you told me yourself that when you were a foal, that you were well taken care of. It was not until you were 4 that your sisters were born.
You can't give up on yourself. You said early on, that good things happen to good ponies. That is true, and it is all part of Celestia's plan. The whole karma thing is true, and you have never caused anypony, any problems, and good is sure to come your way. But it won't happen if you quit. If you quit this, I have no other ideas to help you. Keep moving forward Annabelle.
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December 11th
She was a pegasus. We were both pegasi, and the only ones in the family. The rest of our family were earth ponies. Her mane was a brighter gold, and her coat was much more shiny. I would look up to her, and I always thought she was beautiful. I look a lot like her, and have a lot of her personality, like my father said after she left. Interdependent, clever, curious, and she was a pony who knew how to get through things. The only problem, was that she sometimes was arrogant, at times stubborn, and could get a attitude. I was born at Manehattan Memorial Hospital, on a cold, cloudy day, on January 8th.
My grandmother, who I never saw much, and I also never saw anymore after the divorce, said my mother had a look in her eyes the day I was born. It was love, the purest love, as she held little me in her arms, but it was also fear. I told you that I had heart problems when I was a newborn. My mom asked non-stop how I was doing when I wasn't in the room, and even my good ol' dad was worried. Could you believe that he actually loved me at some point? I understand what you said about the whole motherly love thing. Well grandma said that dad didn't really take care of me, and my mother did most of the work. All my stupid dad had to do, was have the pleasure of creating me, then sit back. That day, he left the hospital to go and see my brothers hoofball game, while my mom refused to leave.
I sit here now, and I look through some pictures she had of me. She took the time to make this scrapbook, and it is filled with all sorts of adorable, but of coarse, embarrassing, pictures of me when I was little. When I say little, I sure was little. There are plenty pictures, and every one I had a smile on my face. We both loved each other, and I totally forgot about how much I missed mom. When my diaper problem came around, she was always busy working, and didn't have a say on it. My dad took over, and she felt like she did something wrong.
That is all I have to say about that. She loved me... and had a lot of pictures of me when I was little. I miss her, and it makes me really depressed when I think about it. I don't think it helped, only brought back memories, and that is why I got angry, instead of telling you about her. I don't know where she is, but I want to continue writing in this journal. So I can get a social life, get a job, and find love, so that I can be the little filly she wanted me to be.
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Note:
Good. I am glad you continued. Now that this is out of the way, I hope we can continue on normal business. The entry on the 8th was cut off, the 9th was not very detailed, the 10th was when you got mad, and the 11th is when you told me about your mom. We will talk all about this in my office.
D.L.