//------------------------------// // Flagpole Sitter // Story: Cauldron Club // by Biplane //------------------------------// "I just know somepony is going to find a way to blame me for this," said somepony who wasn't Twilight Sparkle. Derpy flew frantically in random directions, zig-zagging her way across the skies over town, looking for rain clouds. Unfortunately, the weather over the Ponyville area was spotless. Poor Derpy didn't usually let herself play the victim, but she had something of a point here. It would not be strange at all for the ponies of Ponyville to look in her direction first when asking themselves "Who knocked down this building?" or, "Who started this fire?" Derpy had crashed into enough things to justify this reputation, but she thought she was getting better. Anyway, this time it really wasn't her fault! Well... okay... maybe it was. If only I'd been able to stop her in time! Derpy thought miserably. Poor CT... this is all my fault. I could have said something... I could have done something sooner. "Derpy? Derpy, is that you?" called a voice from below, shaking Derpy out of her reverie. She looked down to see a small purple shape on the ground below. "Cheerilee?" Derpy said, putting a name to the shape. She circled down and landed in front of the schoolteacher. Unfortunately, her angle and momentum were off, and she wound up stumbling right into Cheerilee. "Oof," said the teacher as the gray pegasus rolled into her, knocking her on her hindquarters. Shaking her head, she said, "Are you alright, Derpy?" offering her a hoof up. Derpy took the proffered hoof gratefully. Derpy liked Cheerilee. Most ponies did, actually. Cheerilee was the kind of pony who didn’t judge you, who would rather build you up than knock you down, who would, say, go out into the middle of the night during a fire to help a pony too drunk to realize she was in danger, without a second thought. For example. Hypothetically. “I’m doing kind of… bad, Cheerilee,” Derpy said, sighing and giving a meaningful look around them (which took her half the time it would for any other pony). “Yeah, I can see what you mean. Some night, huh? Whoa!” Cheerilee said, as Derpy suddenly threw her forelegs around her, sobbing. “What’s wrong, dear?” “It-it’s all my fault!” the gray pegasus bawled into Cheerilee’s shoulder, her back shaking with each sob as Cheerilee confusedly gave her a hug back. “What do you mean, ‘It’s all your fault?’ None of this is your fault! ...Did somepony say something to you again?” Cheerilee said, a protective, steel edge to her voice. "N-no," Derpy sniffed. "But I could've stopped her. I could have kept all of this from happening." "Stopped who?" "CT. She made a potion to turn herself into a unicorn at Twilight's club thingy, and drank the whole bottle before I could stop her. She can't control it, and I don't know where she is and she keeps lighting things on fire and-" And with that, suddenly the final piece fell into place. That was where the mysterious magic blasts Twilight had mentioned were coming from. That was what had started the fires. “Derpy. This wasn’t your fault. You did everything you could to stop her. You’re a good friend. None of this is your fault,” Cheerilee said soothingly, silently reflecting that she was using the phrase “not your fault” an awful lot tonight. “But I need your help. The fire brigade is… well… something weird has happened to the fire brigade, and we need to help fight the fires!” “I’ve been trying,” said Derpy, sniffling, but recovering. “But I can’t find any rain clouds anywhere.” Cheerilee pointed her hoof to a distant thunderhead. “What about those?” “Oh, no no no! Those are over the Everfree Forest! Those clouds are… well I don’t know… they don’t act normal. We can’t use Everfree clouds!” “I don’t think we have a choice, Derpy,” said Cheerilee. “Okay. I’ll do it. I can fix this, Cheerilee. I can make this right!” Derpy said, standing tall, flapping her wings excitedly. “Just… be careful, alright?” “I will! Bye! And thanks!” and Derpy launched herself into the air and sped off zig-zaggingly in the vague direction of the clouds. Cheerilee had to laugh at Derpy’s sudden change in attitude. Nothing could keep that pony down for very long. “Cheerilee…?” Cheerilee heard a voice say. She turned to see Bon-Bon sadly trudging in her direction. “Bon-Bon? What’s the matter?” “It-it’s all my fault!” said Bon-Bon sadly, readying to throw herself around Cheerilee. Cheerilee put a hoof up, stopping Bon-Bon in her tracks. “Let me stop you right there,” she said, rolling her eyes, “Because if this becomes one more pony’s fault, I don’t know what I’m going to do.” Bon-Bon’s sadness was replaced with annoyance and confusion. “Heh?” she said. “Never mind. Hey, listen, do you want to help me fight some fires?” Bon-Bon put a hoof up in a perfect imitation of Cheerilee. “Let me stop you right there,” she said, rolling her eyes, “Because if one more pony tells me they are going to be a firepony tonight, I don’t know what I’m going to do.” The two glared at each other for a second, then started laughing. “You should have seen your face!” Cheerilee laughed. “You should have seen yours!” Bon-Bon laughed back. “It’s just so funny! The whole town is burning down, and ponies keep coming to me telling me that they’re the one responsible!” Cheerilee wheezed, laughing harder still. “Hahaha, yeah, and Lyra just jumped onto a burning runaway train harboring delusions of being a fire fighter! She’ll probably be killed!” Bon-Bon’s face was purple as she laughed. I think something may have broken in these ponies’ minds. “HAHAHA! THAT IS SO HER! AND TWILIGHT THINKS THAT THINGS ARE GOING TO GET WORSE! HAHAHAHAHAHAA!” Uh... Cheerilee? Are you… are you okay? “HAHAHAHA OH MY GOODNESS AND I BELIEVE IT! HAHAHAHAHAHA!” ...Bon-Bon? Do you two… um… need… tranquilizers or something? “HAHAHAHAHA!” Don’t you guys need… you know... air? “HAAAAHAHAHA!” Ohhhh. I see. This is hysterics. You’re in hysterics, huh? Simultaneously, the two stopped laughing, and collapsed to the ground panting, no oxygen left. Bon-Bon was the first to recover. “So,” she said, “Should we go get buckets, or…?” “You know what? Better idea: we’re going to go find Carrot Top.” Bon-Bon gave Cheerilee a confused look (she had not made it to the train platform in time to see CT’s pyrotechnics display, and so did not understand how the quiet earth pony could possibly be of any special amount of help in this situation). “I would make a ‘Let’s invite her for tea and cakes,’ comment, but I already played that card tonight. I take it you know what you’re doing?” “Only one way to find out, come on!” . . . Zecora elbowed Mayor Mare in the ribs, shoving her out of the way. Her heart’s desire was so close, yet so far away, and all of these strumpets and trollops were not helping! Zecora’s eyes were wide, her pupils small, and her tongue lolled out of her mouth like Winona the dog as she scrambled for purchase on the flagpole with her hooves. “I want you to be my mare! Trixie, dear, come down from there!” she cried desperately, an insane lilt to her normally rhythmic voice. “Trixie! I’m your biggest fan!” screamed Roseluck. “Go out with me!” “Trixie, can I smell your mane?!” said Caramel. “Just a little?!” In the skies above the din, Raindrops kicked another pegasus away from her prize. Diving towards Trixie, she said, “Love me foreverrrrr-!” and then she was batted away by a wave of Trixie’s telekinesis. Again. She’d be back. Again. Trixie’s legs were tired from clutching the flagpole, which waved back and forth in a disconcerting manner, and also rang with every hoofbeat against it. It was making quite the racket. "Trixie- Whoa!" she was interrupted by a particularly strong sway of the pole, "Trixie demands you all stop this at once! Leave Trixie alone!" Trixie reflected that she had perhaps… miscalculated the effects of the potion. It had seemed like such a good idea at the time. It really didn’t seem like a good idea anymore. “What the-?” said Trixie, as an extra amorous pigeon landed directly on her muzzle, and began making its intentions clear by cooing suggestively and making very inappropriate gestures. "Ugh! Begone! Horrid creature!" she said, swatting the bird away with her telekinesis, leaving a small cloud of feathers behind it as it was knocked into the sky. She sighed heavily. She supposed she had had this coming. This figures. Either nopony loves me, or everypony loves me too much. ...How did I come to this? What has my life become? So what if she’d sort of lied to Twilight about her motives for coming to Cauldron Club. So what if she had gone just to study Twilight’s infamous spell and learn its secrets. So what if she wanted to force ponies to love her? She didn’t deserve this! After all, it wasn’t her fault they didn’t give her a chance in the first place! Nopony would ever appreciate her on her own merits now, not after what she’d done. The Ursa incident… the Alicorn Amulet (that horrible, wonderful thing)... she’d made too many mistakes. If she wanted to make friends… if she wanted ponies to watch her show and appreciate her talents… they were going to need some kind of a push in the right direction, that much was for sure. This was too much of a push, Trixie thought irritatedly as the flagpole wobbled dangerously once more. One thing is for sure: if I get out of this... if Twilight Sparkle can fix this... I am never coming back here. I need to go somewhere where nopony has ever heard of me. I need to start over. “I love your cape, all spangled and starred! Come down here, Trixie; I won’t bite… hard!” called Zecora, as she shoved Lucky out of her way, and licked the flagpole menacingly (yes, you absolutely can lick menacingly). Trixie sighed again, and swatted away another would-be pegasus suitor. Her lower lip stuck out in a pout as she resigned herself to a loooong night. Her legs sure were getting tired. . . . “Here it is!” Spike said to himself as he came across Trixie’s wagon. “Trixie’s wagon! Now I just have to find a sample of her potion. Oughta be something somewhere around here.” Spike was still quite young. Still a baby dragon, in fact, but he had learned some things over the years spent with Twilight. He had learned perhaps his most important lessons on the occasion of his birthday, during which he had discovered greed. And during which it was discovered that draconic greed was a powerful force indeed, able to transform him against his will into something he did not wish to be: a towering beast of aggressive avarice. Imagine the effect that could have on a child: knowing that if you wanted something too badly, you could transform into a monster and threaten your whole town and everypony you love. Thankfully, Spike had dealt with it in excellent fashion, and very maturely for his age. Perhaps some help from the Element of Generosity had been a big factor, but he had learned to quell his greedy urges without overcompensating. He still accepted that it was okay to want things, but that he could not have everything he wanted. And some help from Twilight Sparkle, adoptive sister and amateur psychologist extraordinaire (having read several books on the subject), had helped him to mentally get over the fact that he was, at least in part, a dangerous monster inside. He had learned that that didn’t have to define him, and that he was able to be in control of himself at all times. He had learned that the love of his friends would help him if he ever needed the extra support. He had learned, to put it simply, that he wasn’t a bad guy. What he had not learned, however, and this was the regrettable part, was that dragons are quite different from ponies, and potions could have very different effects on him than they did on them. And, as it happens, it seems that a want-it-need-it spell infusion does not trigger wanton desire for the one consuming it, as it did with Trixie, but rather, it triggers in him wanton desire for everything he sees. Hopefully, though, Spike just won’t put any in his mouth. Then we’ll be fine. “Eww, what is this stuff?! It’s all over this cauldron!” Spike said, referring to the sticky remnants of the spilled potion that Trixie had spilled when Zecora had startled her. He’d leaned into the cauldron, still tipped on its side, looking for any sign of Trixie’s potion. He’d found it, all right, though of course he didn’t know it. And, of course, he was covered in it. Spike considered cleaning himself off with his tongue, which was a catastrophically bad idea. Thankfully, a vision of Twilight danced across his mind to discourage him, “Ew, Spike! Gross! You don’t even know what that is!” Unfortunately, Spike took a moment to consider the fact that real Twilight wasn’t around to say that. And the stuff was so sticky! He had to get it off him! Nopony was watching, what was the worst that could happen? Oh, Spike, man, you do not even want to know. Don’t do it, Spike. Spike opened his mouth. Spike. No. Spike stuck out his tongue. Ho boy. ...And Spike wrapped his tongue around himself, spinning himself and licking his whole body in one motion, swallowing the potion remnants in a single gulp. Very efficient, if a little gross. Spike’s eyes shot open, and he started to grow. It’s not your fault, Spike. This is out of your hands. . . . Lyra clung to the back of the burning train, gritting her teeth. Her hind hooves hung below her, dangling inches above the tracks. Hauling herself up, and wiping her brow, she let out a “Whew!” Then she noticed Bon-Bon hadn’t caught up in time, and she saw her speeding away behind the train into the darkness. Her heart stopped for a second. She was alone. Bon-Bon wasn’t going to be with her on this adventure. She wasn’t half the pony she usually was without Bon-Bon. She’d wanted her to go someplace safe, but she’d secretly been relieved when the earth pony had instead tagged along. They were a great team. Without Bon-Bon… could she still do this? She let out a grunt of frustration. Why did I have be so… what’s the word…? Impetchu… Impetty… Why didn’t I think stuff through before I went and did it!? She got up and regained her composure. Bon-Bon’s gonna kill me for this, she thought, smiling as she thought of Bon-Bon’s ever-frustrated face. The door swung open, startling her and nearly knocking her off the train. The conductor rushed out, leading passengers. “We have to evacuate the train, everypony! Quickly, before we build up too much speed!” He neglected to mention the fire two cars ahead that was spreading in both directions rapidly. Nopony really needed reminding of that. Lyra saw the passengers look nervously over the rear railing, not at all convinced that the train was moving slow enough to make the jump safe. Lyra could relate. “Go on! Go on! There isn’t much time!” the conductor said. The passengers’ trepidations were not assuaged by this persuasive argument. “Hold on, I have an idea!” Lyra said, looking past the gathering passengers and into the rear car. Levitating out a large cargo net, she spread it out behind the train with her telekinesis. “Hop on to this, and when everypony is on, I’ll lower it gently to the ground!” Unicorns are not created equal. Some unicorns, such as Rarity, have excellent fine control of small objects, and are even able to handle multiple objects simultaneously with ease. Others, such as Twilight, possessed the strength to lift very heavy objects. Lyra, though she rarely boasted of it, was blessed with both of these traits (though she’d always been terrible with spells). Which was good, because this crazy plan would stretch both of those abilities to their limits. I mean, let’s think about this. Lyra is volunteering to levitate weight on the order of a hundred ponies, while then settling them gently to the ground in a net behind a speeding train without turning them into scrambled eggs.. That is not at all an easy thing to do. It is, in fact, insanely difficult, in case that wasn’t clear. “Can you… can you do that?” asked Flat Cap, himself an earth pony, and as such not familiar with the extent of unicorn telekinesis’ capabilities. Most of the unicorn passengers looked uneasy, realizing what an impossible task that sounded like. “We could… help hold the net?” said a couple of pegasus ponies uncertainly who hadn’t yet fled the train. There weren’t many pegasi still on the train, though (mostly those with non-pegasus friends and family with them), and they wouldn’t be of much help holding about a hundred ponies up with their wings. “Nah. Trust me. I got this,” Lyra said, grinning. Silently, the ponies contemplated their options: jump off, face the fire, or trust the smiling, overconfident unicorn wearing a foal’s plastic firepony hat. And silently, they all came to the same conclusion: if they were doomed anyway, they might as well give the unicorn’s crazy plan a shot. . . . Shovel Face clung to the side of the engine. He could feel the metal heating up by the minute. One step, then another. The train was picking up speed. If this took too long, he wouldn’t survive jumping off. But he was a new pony tonight, and there was steel in his eyes. He took another step, gritting his teeth against the wind in determination. He was going to get this done. Forehoof over forehoof, he pulled himself along the rail, moving closer to the front of the train, inch by straining inch. The heat was almost unbearable. There was no question the fire would be hot enough to keep the boiler boiling, especially when the coal hopper was eventually going to catch fire. And that meant the burning train would keep running, all the way to Canterlot, and then some ways beyond. Unless. Close to the front of the boiler was the pressure release, and it was whistling like crazy. The pressure release was a simple valve that opened if the pressure inside the boiler got too high, releasing extra steam and pressure so that the boiler wouldn't explode. But it was designed for normal operation, not for stopping a train. And not for a train on fire. It was just not letting enough steam out to matter much in the circumstances. Maybe, just maybe, if Shovel Face could break the release off, then maybe the burning train could release enough steam to run itself out, and wouldn't reach Canterlot as a burning, ticking time bomb. It was a big “if,” and it was a desperate, crazy thing to try. Doubly so for a unicorn like Shovel Face, who had always been cursed with very short-range telekinesis, meaning he would have to pull himself close enough along the outside of the boiler to whack at the valve, while the train was picking up speed and the fire was increasing intensity. It’s always the ponies you least expect who step up in times of crisis. Heroes aren’t born, they are made, and it’s times like this that that forge burns brightest. Shovel Face was nopony special. Boring. Unassuming. Friendly, but kind of reserved. Had a complex about his ridiculous name, but otherwise was just another face in the crowd. But tonight, he had become a hero. He had faced his destiny, and he had risen to meet it. And now… well… Equestria needed a hero one more time. And he was not going to back down. His name was still pretty ridiculous, though. Let’s be honest. CLANG! Shovel Face whacked the pressure valve as hard as he could manage with his shovel. It dented slightly, but otherwise was unaffected. CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! Again and again, he smashed his shovel against it. The terrain was blurring by, now. The boiler was scalding hot. The iron was beginning to glow red from the heat, and the coal in the hopper was starting to smoke. CLANG! CLANG CLANG CLANG! Shovel Face scowled. He was not going to give up. There were tears in his eyes from the wind and the smoke. CLANG! The valve bent slightly! Steam was blowing out of it like a tea kettle whistling in his ears. Even through that noise, though, it was amazing how the tiny popping sounds were able to reach him. He recognized the sound well. He turned his head back to look. Tiny flames were flickering in the coal hopper now. The coal was about to catch. He was almost out of time. CLANG! CLANG! CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANGCLANGCLANGCLANG SCREEEECH! With a wrench of twisting metal, the valve gave way! The steam poured out of the gaping hole, now too large an opening to make a whistle. But the train was at almost top speed. And Shovel Face was out of time. He looked behind him at the landscape whipping by. He released his beloved shovel from his telekinesis, losing sight of it almost instantly as it tumbled away and behind him into the darkness. I hope I don’t die, he thought, and leapt from the train.