My name is Gordon Freemane and I'm one of the top Theoretical Magicians in Equestria. Don't let that theoretical part fool you, I can do magic. Just not a lot of it, some telekinesis and stuff like that, but we're getting off topic. I'm writing this today so that my thesis can be seen by everypony and that's important, because I was right all along. Which is typical. You see, I have always maintained that the whole of Equestria was out to get me, but up until the day I accidentally got to Ponyville, I had no way to prove it. Now, technically I may not have anything physical to prove it, but I'm sure if you go there yourself (NOTE: don't go there without armor) and ask one of those involved what took place, you'll see how right I was. Everypony and everything really was out to get me and only time will tell if it'll be the same in the future. So, without further ado, here's my account of everything that's happened.
I was standing in front of the City Hall in Ponyville, waiting for the next sky-chariot to arrive and doing my best to avoid the locals. They didn’t seem to get the message. The more I stood still and waited the more they circled ever closer, like sharks in a swimming pool. It didn’t take long before I had to put on my evil face in an attempt to get them to stop. So, as they were glancing back and forth at me, I stared right back at them, one pony a time, in silence with a desire to kill in my eyes.
Stop looking at me. Stop looking at me!
Suddenly a pink pony interrupted my hate-stare while the others looked on from a distance. She took a close look at me and screamed in excitement before disappearing in a cloud of dust from beneath her hooves.
What was that? This town is really strange.
It was a strange town. I didn’t even understand how I ended up there. The directions I gave to the taxipony flying the chariot were simple: get me to Dodge City and keep quiet. Of course the Pegasus kept mumbling something to herself while we were flying so I told her that I wasn’t paying her to be a mime with a few brain cells missing. We changed course after that and she just dropped me off in Ponyville - that’s at least what the giant sign said. She then flew away and I couldn’t help feeling that there was something wrong with her. I wasn’t sure if she was coming back, but at least I got a free flight out of it. On the downside, I was now stuck in a tiny town with way too friendly ponies.
Oh no.
The pink pony was coming back with a small band of followers merrily walking alongside her. They looked at me like I was giving away bits. The enthusiasm was sickening.
Time to change location.
I searched around. Buildings, some kind of marketplace in the alley a bit further away, an abomination of a tree in the distance, a Quills & Sofas shop behind a corner… I made a run for it. There was no way the Care Mares were going in there.
This is perfect. The dullness of the place will sap their energy.
“Hello and welcome to…”
There was no time to talk to him, not with those ponies on my tail, so I put my hoof around his mouth as soon as I jumped in. He was nervous about that. I had to make sure they couldn’t hear me, so I comforted him by squeezing him even tighter while looking at the door that had just closed behind me. He didn’t stop entirely, but it was good enough. Hoofsteps got louder and louder and I could eventually make out the conversation their owners were having. It went something like this:
“Hey, pinky pony, where did our victim go?”
“I don’t know,” she giggled like a pony possessed, “don’t worry, we’ll find him and smother him in hugs until I forget about my stupid life.”
“Yes, yes! Me too!” one of the drones with a high pitched voice replied, causing a crack to appear in the wall.
“Do you think he’s in here?” another asked.
“No, no,” the pink annoyance continued, “why would such a dreamy pony go into this place? He’s too handsome and smart! Only losers go here to hang out with that loser Quilly.”
The others agreed and started booing the one who asked the question.
OK, so if I’m honest, I didn’t really hear them talking, but I’m sure they were saying something like that. I didn’t have the chance to really listen because Quilly constantly tried to shift away from me. I tightened my grip on him and put my other hoof to my mouth, telling him to keep it down. A few seconds later the noises moved away, giving me the first chance to talk to this nervous wreck.
“Now, listen here Quilly. I’m not here to rob you. I’m just trying to escape them.”
He made some muffled sounds.
“Oh, right.” I removed my hoof from his muzzle.
“I’m not Quilly, my name is…”
“I don’t care about any of that.” I cut him off and looked back and forth from him to the door. “Wait… I think they’re gone.”
Leaving Quilly behind, I slowly approached the door. Before I opened them, I put my ear to it and listened. A smile grew on my face. Silence. Blessed silence. Full of hope, I opened the door and caught a glimpse of the pink pony & company standing around it in a half-circle. The vile mare was actually standing behind some kind of metal tube.
BOOM!
A huge white cloud enveloped me, strange pieces flying at me and small explosions going off all around me.
Panic!
“AAAAAH!”
I ran straight ahead, knocking several ponies over and screaming at the top of my lungs. My vision was blurred, my ears were ringing and the only thing on my mind was to get as far away as possible. Something dark brown and green was in front of me, not very far away.
Trees. Trees are good. Keep running!
Somepony was shouting something behind me but I didn’t listen. It was probably another trap anyway. As soon as I felt something other than grass beneath my hooves, I slowed down to catch my breath. I was safely in the forest where I could try to outmaneuver my attackers. For a few more seconds I trotted half blind until my vision returned to normal.
What is this?
My vision was normal but the forest wasn’t. There were disfigured trees, overgrown shrubs and strange plants all around me and the whole place was full of creepy shadows created by the few rays of light that penetrated the treetops. The evil vibe I was getting from it was a freebie. In any case, it wasn’t what I had expected. I’d seen other forests in my life. I may not have gone into any of them since my colt days, but I still knew how they should look like and this wasn’t cutting it. There weren’t even any pixies waiting for me and I’m pretty sure they were always there before! I was alone in a freaky forest and if nothing else, it was a perfect place to vent.
“Who’s responsible for this - Discord? Or did somepony build a house of horrors and forgot about it for a few centuries?!”
The voices appeared again. Now I knew it was either this or Ponyville and I’d seen Ponyville. This place at least had peace going for it. That, and the possibility of finding an old cash register if it really was an overgrown theme park. The only thing missing was my Fearless Explorer hat. I turned around to search my saddlebags.
“Damn it!”
They weren’t there. I had lost them somewhere in the commotion that was the result of being shot at with a cannon. A cannon! It was only now that I realized how much worse this could have ended. Now I just needed to get my stuff back once the dust settled.
I’ll wait until nightfall and search for them then.
This time, though, I wouldn’t make the same mistake as I had done in Ponyville. I wasn’t going to wait around in the same spot or it would only be a matter of time before somepony would find me again. There was no doubt about them searching for me.
Ugh, this day isn’t going too well.
There was enough time for a nonchalant shrug before I made my way deeper into the forest. The fact that I didn’t have my saddlebags was resonating in my mind. There was always a machete in there just in case I would have to go into survival mode at the impending zombie apocalypse, or a virus outbreak. Nopony could convince me there wasn’t going to be one, but it was days like this that made me actively want one. In the meantime, the machete was proving itself useful for cutting into lines at the post office. You wouldn’t believe how quickly ponies agree to let you by when you take the thing out of the saddlebag and start checking it for imperfections. A few balancing acts don’t hurt either. But now that I really was in survival mode, I didn’t have it. Good thing there wasn’t a crowd waiting for admission into the deep forest or I would have started breaking things. Speaking of causing harm, there was only one way forward: through the dense, evil bushes.
This is going to hurt. Unless…
I tried pushing the bushes aside with good old magic and got the first good news of the day. The bushes weren’t as ubiquitous as it seemed at first glance. There was an entire row of them covering the trees close to where I made my entrance, but after that they spread out enough for me to manoeuver around them. They were thick though, and I had to concentrate so hard on keeping them apart that I couldn’t move or the gap closed up again. That left me with one choice. That, and the noises, which were now too close for comfort. I ran back a bit to get some momentum before making a dash for it. I looked for the smallest bush.
Here. We . Go!
For a moment I thought I was going to get tangled up in the damn thing when I felt the amount of resistance it was giving but I managed to fight my way to the other side. There was a moment of pride when I landed. And adrenaline, which masked the pain from the thorns for a few seconds. I spent the time wisely – jumping up and down in celebration of this success. Well, not jumping per se, more like a single jump and then nearly falling to the ground on landing from the sharp pain in my hooves.
"Why did I do that?!"
I don’t always hate it when I’m right, but when I do, I end up pulling thorns the size of teeth out of my legs. Still, the pursuit was stopped, which was the best thing to happen to me since I had come to the wretched forest. Before continuing any further I made sure to pull the thorns out of everywhere I could feel and see them. There were of course those smaller ones as well - you know, the ones that mysteriously appear a week later without warning - but for now I was fine. For that brief moment, with the pain going away and the voices keeping their distance, I was happy. So happy in fact, I was on the verge of singing.
Is that growling?
It didn’t last long. An enormous beast jumped out of the bushes and landed in front of me, showing rows of sharp teeth and eyes focused on my soft neck.
“LION!”
Apparently I hadn’t had enough exercise before and I needed to burn some more calories, so I decided to rapidly change location.
Trees, trees, watch out for the trees!
I jumped over shrubs, dodged fallen logs and looked for the path of most resistance for the lion behind me. I didn’t even have time to think about what a lion was doing in a forest so close to Ponyville in the first place. Or a forest in general. That isn’t where they live. Or maybe I should have paid more attention in school. Either way, I was being chased. At least the beast had to follow me, which gave me an advantage. The narrower the gap between trees, the more I got away. I was feeling confident, especially after the sound of breaking branches and heavy footsteps suddenly stopped. I stopped as well and looked behind me. There was no-one there. My heart was beating like mad and my lungs were on fire but I got away.
“Yeah, you thought you could get me? Well think again! They don’t call me-”
A shadow blocked out the few rays of Sun that managed to get to the ground. The lion was flying. No, I’m not making that up, the lion was flying. It looked like it was carried around by a giant bat. And I wasn’t on drugs either, regardless of what you might think. I could see it fly right over my head and land in front of the two trees that I was going to use as an escape route.
Plan B: stand totally still and quiet.
It slowly walked toward me, looking at me with an expression that said: dinner. I instinctively started moving backwards and looked around. Running didn’t work, I didn’t know where I was and the damn thing had an unholy alliance with a giant bat! I was drawing blanks and, to make matters worse, I hit something with my behind.
A rock?! Where did that come from? Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap. OK, how about this...
I looked directly into the eyes of the beast that was now one leisurely leap away from tearing my face off and widened my stance. Then I closed my eyes and focused.
Teleport to Canterlot. Teleport to Canterlot. Teleport to Canterlot.
There was a crack and a thud. When I opened my eyes, I saw the lion lying on the ground in front of me.
Well, that’s not quite what I wanted, but I’ll take it. Did I really just wish it away? Sweet. I wonder if it works with ponies as well. That would open up some options at the market.
“Do not fear, do not weep,
“All is well,
“It is asleep.”
What the hay was that? “Hello? Is anypony out there?”
A robed pony walked out of the bushes to my left, its eyes glowing faint yellow and oddly shaped bottles with green markings strapped to its side along with a few other tools and a blowpipe. I wasn’t scared. In fact, I was more annoyed than surprised, even. After everything that Ponyville and this forest threw at me, I was now facing a rhyming monk? If all else fails, a swift kick to the head would bring it down, so it’s not like it was a threat anyway. I narrowed my eyes.
“You can lose the costume. Molestfest doesn’t start for another month.”
“No time to sit,
“No time to talk,
“The manticore sleeps
“And we must walk.”
Before I could complain about the rhyming, the pony took off back in the direction from whence it came. I wasn’t even entirely sure if it was a he or a she. The voice could go either way. It was only when it reached the shrubs and stopped to look back at me if I was coming that I remembered to look at my fallen enemy.
Manticore. That’s a stupid thing to call a lion.
I recoiled in shock as soon as I got a good look at its back. It wasn’t a lion with a giant bat-friend. It was a lion with the wings of a bat and the tail of a scorpion. I didn’t even see that the first time around.
"Wow. I got off luckier than I knew. I should probably follow the monk."
The trip to Zecora’s hut didn’t take long. I learned her name on the way, along with the information that she was a mare in a new wave of rhymes. The feeling that I wasn’t very well prepared for this kind of exploring was growing stronger with every tree we passed, but then again I didn’t really volunteer for it either! If the only two choices are an insane mob and a forest, I think every normal pony would choose the latter. The fact that the Forest Administration hadn’t been there in decades was also not something I had expected.
This is Equestria, after all. If we can control the clouds, we can damn well make sure a forest isn’t actively trying to kill you!
I was already carefully selecting the words that would go into the letter that I would send to the Forest Administration. I wasn’t sure if that’s what it was called, or if it even existed, but dammit, there was going to be a letter.
Dear lazy bastards. I don’t know you and you don’t know me, and that’s fine. I don’t want to know you. I don’t really care about you, but I just spent some time in a forest near… What was the name of the town again? I have to ask somepony that before I send the letter. Where was I? Oh yeah. A nice little forest I think you would really like. I recommend visiting it in the middle of the night blindfolded to get the full experience. It really does have everything – trees that look like they want to gut you, invisible stares following you everywhere while making creepy noises, fully grown lions mixed with giant bats and scorpions and, of course, monks who spent a few years too many sniffing incense. So yeah, thanks for the near death experience, I appreciate it!
The sight of a jungle house woke me up. Zecora was saying something and making gestures toward it. I was too busy staring at the voodoo decorations adorning the place. Bubbling sounds from within didn’t make the situation any better. There was no way I was stepping hoof inside that thing. Zecora noticed my sudden love for the outdoors and approached. I started looking for escape routes. There was a path that might as well have been the main road across this forest. I glanced at the path and, just as Zecora was taking off her robes, back to her.
“Aaaah! Zombie!”
I ran toward the path as fast as my legs would carry me. Now I could add zombies to the list of things I saw. On any other day that would have been a welcome change from the boredom. Normally, I would have been prepared for this kind of situation but in the forest I didn’t have anything. Another reason why I shouldn’t have lost my saddlebags! Before the fear could get completely replaced by the excitement of being right, I heard some voices coming from the front.
Hide, hide, hide!
I jumped into the nearest bush I could find and waited. The voices got louder and louder until I could eventually make out the outlines of half a dozen ponies walking toward me through the light mist. It didn’t take long for them to get close enough for me to make out their colors – white, blue, orange, purple, yellow and the hateful pink. I was surprised that all of them were mares, though. Under different circumstances, having six mares in a forest could open up some options, but if I started thinking about that, I wouldn’t be able to stand up with dignity, so I put the thought at the back of my head for later. Then the sound of a pony running came from behind. It was Zecora. She ran right past me and stopped in front of the six ponies that were out to get me. They started talking. I peeled my eyes to see if any of them had my saddlebags on them. Nope. Either they took them or they missed them.
So this was the plan, huh? Get the zombie to “save” me from the monster and lure me to them. Smart. But I outsmarted you all! Now to get out of this mess.
Slowly, I picked up a rock and hurled it into the trees on the other side of the path. Unlike some of my earlier plans, this one worked. The mares heard the noise it made as it was breaking braches and tearing leaves and gave chase. The zombie galloped back to her house of doom. I stood up victoriously and shook off the dirt and needles I was laying on. At this point I saw I had also been lying on a strange blue flower. There were more of them just behind where I was hiding, each the size of a pony’s head and I managed to crush one, so now parts of my legs and belly were covered in a blue ooze.
Gross. I have to find a shower in the town.
There was a risk of being heard if I ran so I stepped lightly at first. As soon as I couldn’t hear their voices anymore, I picked up some speed, and then some more. With the Insanity Brigade searching for me in the woods, there was no need to wait for nightfall to get my bags back.
What’s this?
Instead of clearing, the mist got thicker the further away I got. Squinting didn’t help and slowing down wasn’t something I wanted to do. Until I saw a shadow appeared in front of me.
Not again.
The outline of the multicore, or whatever the zombie called it, was blocking the path. I scrambled to stop. I kept my eyes on it, waiting for it to pounce, but it wasn’t moving. Something was wrong. My curiosity got the best of me so I half-crawled forward and got some new evidence that this forest was insane. It wasn’t the lion. Not a real one, anyway.
"They built it a statue? Really? Somepony thought it would be a good idea to build a statue for a crime against nature, but whenever I say I deserve to have my own statue everypony is looking at me like I’ve gone insane? This isn’t fair. I’m leaving."
I didn’t even care at this point. The whole place was just too wrong on so many levels that I didn’t even feel like running anymore. I just walked casually on the path through the forest until I could see the blue halo of the sky in the distance. As soon as I would get back to the town I was going to get my stuff back and leave. Right after I discovered where it was. A few ponies crossed my path during the walk. They watched me with a sense of restrain and wonder. I was filthy and full of tiny scratches from my little forest adventure. My mane wasn’t doing much better. Strangely, I felt good about it.
Yeah, cover in fear at the sight of the colt of the forest. He’s come to claim your land and conquer your mares! Flee before-
“Are you OK?”
There was a white nurse-mare standing to my left, looking worried. How she suddenly got there was beyond me, but I knew one thing: everypony in this town was out to get me and this was just a ruse. You didn’t need to be a detective to work that out from everything that had happened, but the fact she was in a uniform with no hospital in sight just added insult to injury. I played it safe.
“Yeah, I’m totally fine. I just went for a little walk in the forest.”
“You went to the…” her voice trailed off for a moment and her eyes went wide, “Everfree forest?”
“Um, sure, if that’s what it’s called. Anyway, I’ll be on my way.”
I ignored her please to see a doctor and went into town. The plan was simple. I was going to retrace my steps from when the canon fired at me, get my saddlebags and burn the town down. That, or leave while fantasizing about the joy of burning it down. Probably the latter; I was never any good at following those kind of ideas through. First step: Quills & Sofas, only this time I didn’t make the mistake of sticking around town any longer than necessary. After a few minutes of trotting while looking in every direction for any more psychoponies I made it to Quilly’s place. There was confetti on the ground.
So this is how they celebrated their little victory, huh? Well I’m winning the war!
Just as I was about to enter, the door opened and my old friend walked out. At least I thought he was my friend until he started talking.
“Ah, you’re back!” A too-friendly smile crept onto his face, “you left in such a hurry I wasn’t sure you were ever coming back.” He pointed to the door hinge. “Your bags got caught when you ran away, but I took them to the post office. It’s the local lost-and-found place here in Ponyville, just around the corner and straight on!”
For a moment, I wasn’t sure what to think. In less than a minute he told me everything I wanted to know. I didn’t need to threaten him or anything. It was too easy, as if he wanted me to go to the post office as soon as possible.
“This is too easy.”
“Excuse me?”
“Nothing! I mean, so who is the kind pony that can help me get my things back?”
Quilly seemed uneasy with the way I was looking at him. I gave it my all, but my fake smile was miles off his effort. Looking back at it, I must have looked a bit like a psychopony myself, what with the battle scars, the dirt and now the forced showing of teeth.
“Um, you’ll probably want Derpy Hooves for that. She’s a gray Pegasus, bubbles cutie mark, you can’t miss her.”
“Thanks a lot, Quilly!”
I was already running for the post office when he was again shouting back something about a different name, but there was no time for that. The post office really wasn’t very far, but I knew that a direct approach would be suicide. They had to have been waiting for me, but I’m nothing if not a strategic mastermind. I had already proven it up many times that day. After a few detours through the side streets I was facing the post office head on, with enough options for evasive maneuvers between me and it. Now it was only a matter of waiting for the pony to appear.
“Excuse me!”
A minty green unicorn mare was looking out of the window above my head.
“You’re standing on Bon Bon’s flowers. Would you mind getting out of our garden?”
This is a garden? It looks more like a patch of weeds. Don’t say that out loud.
I waved a hoof and jumped the fence back to the road. A more direct approach was needed, so I looked around to see if anypony was watching and slowly made my way around the post office, examining it through and through for tripwires and hidden traps. After I made full circle, I went to the door. There was a note stuck to it. “Went out for muffins, be back soon!”
Perfect. They say a window always opens when the door closes, or something like that. I don’t know. They must say that.
Without thinking too much about it, I went around for a second time. There was a tilted window a few feet of the ground on the back side of the building. A well placed poke with a sharp stick made my entrance and it didn’t take long for me to get inside, but that’s when the real problems began. The whole room was filled with boxes and letters and boxes of letters and I’m pretty sure they only did that so that I would write that sentence. I tore apart a few of them in the hopes that statistics would be in my favor but it didn’t happen. If I wanted to search everything in there, I would need a few days at least and the mailmare would probably return by then. Good thing necessity breeds ingenuity. I didn’t have to panic. All I had to do was to get her to tell me where my bags are.
So, Derpy’s out for muffins, eh? She must really like them. I can play on that. Muffins, muffins, what can I do with muffins?
A minute of concentration later I had my answer. I would kidnap Derpy. It wouldn’t be the first time I’d have done it, and I was very good at it. Of course there was the whole Appleloosa incident, but the less said about that the better. They really cried at that funeral. Anyway, I went out of the storage room and into the lobby of the small post office where I started setting up the ambush. It wasn’t very complicated, just a giant box levitated over the doorway with me hiding behind the counter. I was about to hunker down to wait for her when I saw something on a ledge in front of me. Something special.
I’ve seen these little bottles before. Zecora had them! Is this the tranquilizer she used on the lion? Just think about how spaced out you would get it you took it yourself. You could get a ton of money! I know buyers... And of course they’re under the counter, I mean come on! This place is way too literal.
I pushed them to the side when I heard somepony opening the door. The game was on. A pegasus walked inside and I released the box. The mailmare was mine, but not silent. She shrieked when the box fell on top of her but I anticipated it, so the door was closed before anypony would get suspicious.
“Hello? Who’s there?” she asked with a scared tone. “What’s going on?”
“Well, well, well.” I walked around her, looking at the box as if I would be looking at her, “you thought you could ambush me? Now look at where you are.”
“What? I don’t understand. Please let me out!”
“Oh, we’ll get to that. Oh yes, we’ll get to that. Right after you tell me what you did with my saddlebags!”
“Saddlebags?” she nearly cried and then whispered “Oh no. They told me he was a crazy pony.”
I’m not a crazy pony.
“I’m not a crazy pony!”
Don’t cut me off!
“Quiet!”
“What?” the voice inside the box asked.
“You too.” I prepared to take the box off Derpy. “Now, I’m going to let you out. You’re going to show me where my bags are and then I’ll leave you alone, OK?”
“Mhm.”
I nearly lifted the box off the ground when I heard noises coming from outside. Somepony was approaching. There were tiny hoofsteps and something else – a mechanical noise that moved in tune with the others. I crept to the window and saw tree little fillies walking past the house. The two on the sides talked about getting their cutie marks in shinning horseshoes when the middle one weirdly yelled, “The fun levels will be at maximum efficiency!” I have a stone heart, but that was adorable.
Ow, she thinks she’s a robot. How cute.
I sobered up from the moment of softness and cocked my head.
Wait, no. You’re in the middle of a kidnapping. Right.
I dragged the box, Derpy included, into the back room where I knew nopony would hear us. Then I lifted it off the ground and saw something strange. Derpy wasn’t like the other ponies I’d seen in the wretched little town. Something about her was different and she knew it. It made her nervous. That, or the whole kidnapping thing. I wasn’t sure what to make of her, but I knew I didn’t like it and I made her know that by giving her a disapproving look. She was wearing a mailmare uniform.
I thought this place was a nudist colony. Somepony always ruins the fun.
She sheepishly flew out of the box. I looked around a bit while she searched for my bags. That’s when I saw the crate. My own personal lottery. At first I didn’t want to believe what I was seeing, but sure enough, there were warning signs drawn on it.
DANGER – MAGIC HAZARD
WARNING – DO NOT SHAKE
THEFT – 12 YEARS DUNGEON
ADDRESS HERE
And those were just the ones on the side I could see. Hiding beneath them was the one sign that made me lose my guard. The shape of a potion bottle. If the one in the main office could get me some money then this could set me up for life. Caution was needed.
“Where’s a crowbar when you need one?! I have one in my bags, but then I don’t have them and that just adds insult to injury!”
“Huh?” Derpy turned back to me.
I turned around to face her. “Damn it, I said that out loud didn’t I? I have to be more careful next time.” I was still speaking out loud.
“Are you OK?”
Derpy’s question only made me more nervous. I couldn’t think quietly anymore.
“Damn it, WHY? How could this even…” I couldn’t finish the though. One of Derpy’s eyes was looking at me, the other one at the crates behind me. “How are you doing that?” I stomped at the ground. “Stop trying to confuse me! Everypony here is already doing that!”
I went back to crowbar-hunting. Derpy hovered for a moment then turned back to her own mission. My saddlebags were still missing in action. I don’t even know how many crates I moved or how many drawers I searched, but eventually I got my prize. A broom. Granted, it wasn’t a crowbar so I wouldn’t be able to open the crate in style, but it was something. A few well-placed kicks to the crack between the corner planks widened it enough to get the broom handle in.
“Open you damn treasure chest!”
Derpy looked at what I was doing with fearful disapproval. My constant narrating of what I was doing was creeping her out. Or maybe it was the warning signs that I was so cheerfully ignoring. Either way, she didn’t like what I was doing. My magic alone wasn’t enough so I leaned against the broom and – CRACK – the crate opened. When the side of the crate fell down a puff of green smoke erupted from it and disappeared, which was strange.
“Oh my…”
Derpy gasped. I was stunned and on the verge of a panic attack. A good one. The crate was full of small black bottles, arranged in lines by their color codes. Red at the top, then purple, dark blue, some kind of sewer-green, neon green, orange and yellow.
“Seven by twelve… by twelve, I guess? Holy Celestia, there’s… one hundred and forty-four times seven…”
“One thousand and eight.” Derpy answered in a flat tone.
“Right, that many. That many potions in there.” The information took a second to fully get to my brain. “I’M RICH! WOOHOO!”
I jumped around the room laughing when a shadow overflew the building. Derpy eeped and flew backwards into a corner. Hoofsteps approached rapidly. I stopped my celebration and turned to the opened door to the lobby. The front door nearly went off the hinges when somepony barged in. I recognized the shapes even before I saw them clearly.
“Oh crap. The fashion police!”
“Hold it right there in the name of Equestria!”
It wasn’t the fashion police. Two Royal Guards had jumped into the room and another one was slowly walking toward us. I looked around for any way of escape. The window I used to get in here was tempting, but before I could jump and pull myself out… No way. The rest were just boxes and crates, a few shelves and tables, the guarded door to the lobby and Derpy in the corner. She was pressed so hard against it I couldn’t make out how she was still flying.
“I’m trapped.”
“Step away from the crate.”
“That doesn’t sound like a guard.”
A tall figure appeared at the doorway with wings, a horn and a crown. That would normally be the time to panic. Princess Celestia walked in, looking mad as hell and just dominating everypony with her pose. She lowered her head only a fraction.
“I said, step away from the crate.”
Another shadow went over the post office. Even Celestia was surprised enough to stop staring me to death. Hoofsteps were again heard and the day guards got some company in the form of the night guards. Princess Luna wasn’t far behind.
“IS EVERYTHING IN ORDER SISTER?” her voice boomed through the building.
“Ow, that was painful!” My ears were close to bleeding. Even Derpy fell to the ground, hooves at her head.
“What are you doing here Luna?”
Luna apologetically lowered her voice when she saw what she caused. “We received the distress beacon and arrived to offer aid.”
“Thank you dear sister, but everything is under control.”
Celestia wasn’t very good at lying. I was handling the situation beautifully. While the Princesses were busy being polite, I grabbed the first potion bottle that I could get my telekinesis on from the crate and lifted it high above my head.
Derpy screamed “DON’T!” and flew at me. At the same time, Luna teleported to side and Celestia charged her horn to take the bottle away, only to have Derpy fly right over her targeting field when she released it. I ducked to dodge Derpy so she flew into Luna, sweeping her off her hooves. If Celestia hadn’t slowed her down with the gentle tug, they would have gone straight into the box o’ toxins. Now it was just me and the tall one. She quickly walked to me and snatched the bottle away while I was hunkered down.
“Your Highness, we can take this over if you wish.” One of the guards, who so bravely stood still while this was happening, told the Princess.
“You have done your part.” she replied with a firm voice, not wanting to make the same mistake of looking away from me, “Leave. Thank you.”
“I don’t think I can get out of this.” I still couldn’t think silently.
“No. You will answer for the crimes once we return to Canterlot. Luna, help me in restraining him, please. And you, miss Hooves, would you kindly put this back where it belongs? You’ve been a very brave pony today.”
Luna conjured up some magic rope and before I could say anything, I was bound and pushed into a corner. Derpy was looking at the bottle in her hooves and marveling at it. Celestia gave her a disapproving stare. From the corner, the view was quite strange. The two Princesses standing in front of a crate that could pay for my early retirement and a cross-eyed Pegasus hovering between them, turned away from me.
“I have a sinking feeling this isn’t going to end well.”
I really didn’t see a bright future ahead of me. Trial. Punishment. Possibly even dungeon. My head fell into my tied up chest as much as it could. I couldn’t even look at the ground in shame without looking like an idiot with his eyes rolled all the way down. The damn magic rope was in the way so I was forced to watch the destruction of the dreams I had since seeing that crate. Derpy turned around and put the bottle back in the crate, pushing it gently until it locked into place with the others. The sisters smiled to each other. It was a true moment of Zen for everypony involved. I don’t even know how everything managed to change the way it did after that. I do remember hearing the faintest crack and seeing the princesses get startled. And then the stacked bottles just collapsed. There was a blinding flash and then…
What happened? Where am I? Why is there dust everywhere?
The room was a disaster. Whatever little decoration there was before was broken or torn, splinters embedded in the cracked walls and the roof wasn’t exactly in the same place or shape it was in when I first got there. I think a structural engineer would call it “crumbled”, which was actually a good thing, because that way it at least let some light in. The only window was blocked by the debris, as was the doorway. Something bad had happened. But before I could start planning my escape, I noticed a small puddle of wine next to me. It was coming from a cracked crate to my right and I could see who it was meant for.
Berry Punch, huh? I know who to talk to if I ever want to get drunk here! Hold on…
I jumped up, “I can think normally again!”
That moment didn’t last long – they never do. Something in front of me, right where the crate with the princesses used to be, was trying to stand up from the ashes. My problems weren’t over. I had no way to go and, truth be told, even if I did, I’m not sure I could have moved once the dust settled enough for me to see it.
Great, Princess Luna is still after me. No, that’s Celestia. Or maybe…
When the alicorn came closer she crossed a few rays of light coming from the broken roof. That’s when I saw she wasn’t one princess or the other. She was both. The left front and rear right leg were mostly Celestia’s, with a few round dark blue patches on the foreleg and the stifle at the back. The two Luna’s legs, if I can call them that, and I can, had similarly shaped white spots on the cannon at the front and the hock, with a clear line separating the two colors. The wings were blue with the exception of the feathers at the tips, while the whole body was a mess of the two colors. The head looked quite a lot like a painted Zecora while the two colors interchanged at the horn, making it look like a sharp candy cane.
“A hybrid alicorn. Perfect.”
I sat down. There was no hope of going against an alicorn, let alone a hybrid one. So I sat down and waited for my imminent demise.
I’ve had a good run. Not as good as it could have been, but a good run nonetheless. I got attacked by an angry, torch wielding mob that wanted to nail me to a post. I defeated a flying lion all by myself. I outsmarted a zombie. And that was just today! My usual Fridays don’t have flying lions in them. And now, here I’ll die, attacked by a monster nopony could have imagined. Fitting. If only I had my saddlebags…
I had a lot of time to think. Too much, in fact. When I looked back at the hybridcorn I noticed she was moving really slowly. Kind of like she couldn’t move any faster. Like she was struggling to even stand.
"There really are two princesses in there!"
After a few shaky steps she came close enough for me to make out something else. For some strange reason, her irises were dark purple, giving her a look that should have been sinister, if it wouldn’t have been for the fear and astonishment in the way she looked around. The other thing I noticed was the mane and tail. Celestia’s changing colors had turned into a darker version, ranging from near black at the top to dark orange at the bottom, but even that wasn’t the main reason for her state of shock. Or is that their state of shock? Let’s just go with her, it makes it easier. Anyway, the main reason was shocking on an entirely new level. She couldn’t have seen it yet, but she must have felt it. The cutie marks had joined into a solar eclipse.
With the creature standing motionless in front of me and what I assumed was Derpy’s dust still settling to the ground, there was only one response I could possibly give.
“Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!”
I fell to the ground and clutched my belly. The hybrid gave me a stare.
“This is ALL YOUR fault!”
There was no hope of getting from the floor. Not with their voices overlapping like that. I tried subduing the laughter and even placed a hoof in front of my muzzle, but all that produced were whimper-like sounds. The fact I was tearing up didn’t help either. The creature took one step forward and stopped, towering in front of me with rage written all over her striped face. I couldn’t look for a more than a moment because I was afraid that laughing directly in her face would get me a trampling.
“What do you – ha-ha – what do you mean my fault? I didn’t tell you to stand near the crate!”
“You’re going TO pay FOR THIS!”
I dub thee Lunestia!
We were disrupted by the sound of shovels hitting bricks. Those outside were digging their way in. When I instinctively turned my head to the former doorway, I saw something. Something I had missed before because I was too focused on the wine crate in front of it. But I caught a glimpse of it now.
“My saddlebags!”
Ignoring Lunestia, I jumped and picked them up. They were a little dusty but otherwise OK. I grinned. My escape was guaranteed.
“What are you DOING?”
“Oh nothing,” I mused, keeping Lunestia on edge while slowly pulling out my secret weapon, “I’m just going to…”
I quickly turned to Lunestia, Taser in hoof and ready to fire. There was no point in holding it with magic as she would certainly overpower me. Lunestia didn’t know what to make of the device I was pointing at her, but she understood it wasn’t a party canon. She lowered her head aggressively and looked me straight on.
“Drop it.”
No way.
I pushed the trigger before she could send me to the Moon and – nothing. The trigger was stuck.
Work you antiquated piece of…
While I fumbled with the Taser, Lunestia’s horn glowed and a small bubble formed on its tip. She looked at me one more time, wanting to see if I would back of. I didn’t and the horn exploded in yellow light. A muffin appeared in front of me. I stared at it. So did Lunestia.
“So, Derpy’s in there too, hm?”
As I looked to Lunestia her right pupil slowly ascended to the top of the eye. Yes, Derpy was in there. She was just overpowered by the two alicorns to make her presence known in more colorful ways. Knowing I wasn’t getting sent to the Moon certainly freed up my mind, but then I was only interested in one thing.
I might not be going home rich, but at least I got a muffin out of it. Let’s try this again!
This time, I pushed the trigger on the Taser with my hoof and telekinesis combined. Two tiny darts flew at Lunestia. She tried to throw herself to the side to avoid them, but she was too close and too slow. I would give anything to see that moment in slow motion. It would have looked awesome! I mean, the two darts buried themselves in her chest. And that was it.
The batteries. When was the last time I checked…
“Umm… how’s about we call it even and forget about the whole thing, huh?”
You’re safe, she doesn’t have any magic.
Lunestia’s eyes straightened and she ran toward me with so much rage I could smell it. Or maybe that was the smell of something else, but I digress. Lunestia didn’t have any magic but she sure had strong hooves. Sharp, too. And I never knew princesses could kick with such force, so that was new. I’m just happy the guards burst in or would have had some more stiches than I do now. Speaking of which, since I’m writing this from the Canterlot Hospital and I’m chained to the bed, I can only tell you so much about what happened later. From what I heard Lunestia was finally torn back apart with the Elements of Harmony or something. Derpy’s fine too, but there are those who say Celestia’s vision still tends to shift from time to time, if you know what I mean.
In fact, Derpy’s doing so well she even sent me a present yesterday. As you would expect, it was a muffin, but it was a strangely large muffin, almost cake-sized. I guess I should have taken the hint instead of chipping my tooth on what was inside, but on the other hoof I can’t tell you how happy I am that whoever made those potion bottles didn’t skimp on the material. Purple. I wonder what it does…